Monday, December 31, 2007
It cleared the room
how do i get rid of hickeys... fast! cuz i have three and i need them gone quck. this isn't a LAM because the more people that see them the worse shape im in. thanks in advance.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I can't even begin to express how angry your post makes me. You truly are a piece of shit.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing you to let you know about some issues that I have had during my recent Illinois Athletic experiences. First, let me give you a little bit of background.
I am a lifelong Illini fan, grew up in central Illinois cheering for the Illini. I didn't get to go to games when I was little, as that was all well out of our family's budget. However, as an adult, I have tried to attend at least a few events every year, in spite of continued budget constraints. This year, I managed to find the money to get 2 season tickets to football (let me state before my complaint: the lowering of the prices was a great idea and gave people like me an opportunity to truly enjoy the Illinois Renaissance. I know that the people in Loyalty Circle are much more important to the continued existence of Illinois Athletics, so maybe you will just "tune me out" now, since I have admitted that my financial contribution to the Athletic Department is minimal.
However, I would hope that you at least give some thought to the "little guy", because we are also pretty important. The thousands of fans like me that get to see one game a year or so, we are the ones that fill those seats on cold winter nights when no one else cares to go. I love going to one basketball game a year and it is usually a wonderful time for me. Because of the student break and the non-conference "lesser" foe, I generally can manage to get tickets to a game around my birthday (which was yesterday, Dec. 17th) and it is usually my most anticipated activity.
Last night was no different than usual; I was enjoying myself and cheering for our team. Until halftime that is, when I went to get some dinner. I had been running around all day and hadn't eaten, so I was pretty hungry by halftime. My friend and I got in line as soon as the first half was over. By the time we got to the front, they had run out of the 'dinner' foods. I was pretty upset, as there was 3 minutes left in the halftime and I didn't wish to stand in another line and miss part of the second half. The 8h graders running the concession, though, were completely unphased by the fact that they were unable to assist their customers who had stood in line for about 15 minutes for a crappy hot dog! By the way, this the second time in as many events in Champaign that this has happened (the northwestern football game being the other one--in that halftime I stood in two separate lines for over 15 minutes only to be told they were out of food).
Maybe its time for the DIA to acknowledge that the "8th grade class trip" might not be the people who should be running any operations for a major conference, Division I school. If that is too much to ask, can you at least request that the 14 year olds pretend like they care when they are unable to serve your paying customers? Or better yet, can you just have one of them go to the stand two feet down the concourse and pick up a few of their hot dogs?
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
After we passed them, my dad reminded me that I was still wearing the plastic bib that my mom made me wear to eat in the car. I ripped it off and didn't say another word the rest of the drive. Upon reaching our destination, I made my sister sit in the front seat with the bib on ("Don't ask why - just do it real quick") while I stood on my aunts trunk to see if you could see the bib from the angle the truck girls had seen. You could.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I waited until the last minute to move out of my old apartment. My lease was ending at midnight and I had to be completely moved out or I would be fined. I had moved the majority of my stuff to my parents' house over the previous few weeks and just had to drop off my clothes at my buddy's place.
Since I barely had anything, I decided to just rent a minivan and would go to visit my girlfriend in Cleveland the following morning. I was going to return the minivan there and fly back to Chicago the following Sunday.
I packed everything up about 9PM and made a final walk though. I then realized that I had forgot about my mattress. The mattress was too big to fit into the minivan. I decided to go all mexican on it and tie it to the roof. I didn't tie it down well though.
I got on the interstate and the minivan started getting airborne as the wind went under the mattress. I pulled over and retied it and got back on the interstate. The minivan almost went airborne.
So I called my buddy and asked him if any regular streets go all the way out to Naperville. He suggested Roosevelt road.
I drove down roosevelt road at like 20 miles per hour... then the mattress started flying all over when i was driving through the projects at 11 PM.
I decided that I needed to get rid of the mattress... so I pulled under a bridge and started cutting off the rope with a knife.
A guy on a bicycle came out from under the bridge and started eyeballing me. He was drinking a 40 at the time. He was riding his bike back and forth pass me. I thought he was going to kill me.
I cut the last rope and pushed the mattress off the roof and floored the minivan leaving tire marks on my way out.
Looking back, the guy that came out from under the bridge was homeless. He was eyeballing my mattress and not me. He must have thought it was his lucky day... but I thought I was going to die.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I immediately piped up, just a bit incredulously "20 pounds???" She spun on that heel and fixed me with a glare that would frighten a monster. Before she could complete the spin, i started, "no no no - what i mean is i can't believe you have even put on 20 pounds since then. i couldn't tell at all!"
She didn't buy it.
This time, however, the story does not end with me in the doghouse.
Shortly after mrs sat down to eat more food, she noticed a lady bug on my plate. Real sassy-like, she asked me, "you going to eat that?" I reached down and let it crawl on my finger. My first thought was to stick it in her face and say, "no, you eat it."
Instead, i popped that ladybug thing in my mouth. You should've heard it crunch! I ate that thing right down. mrs's eyes went and her jaw hit the floor as she screamed.
My 8 yo and i just
I didn't hear anymore about my earlier crack, tho.
Monday, November 12, 2007
my guess was that car came home late and still had some warmth on the hood from the engine. It was cool over night, but I find it strange to still be sleeping at 9 AM this morning out in the open with cars coming and going. If it's dead, though, I also don't know why a dead raccoon was randomly on some car.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
say the word "bagel" properly
Shoot rubber bands
Roll my "r's"
Take the day after Thanksgiving off without using a vacation day
Buy liquor on Sundays
catch a snipe when i go snipe hunting
snort like a pig
Monday, November 5, 2007
When she came on and saw the dozen of us lined around the stage, she refused to dance. One of the bouncers asked us to move back, so we did.
she is/was OK looking
after she danced, she came out to talk to us. I guess if she was that self conscious, she shouldn't be taking her clothes off in a public place
when we got back, there were rose petals and candles and such all over the apt. i put on a cd that she had made me of 'our songs'. we danced all the way through the whole cd, until we got back to the first song, which was "our song" when we started dating. by this point, it was past midnight so it was officially her bday, so i told her i was going into the bedroom to get her present. i went and got the ring and came back out and asked her. the rest, as they say...
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Next day she comes in looking severely hung over and we were wondering what happened to her. She then tells me and another guy this story. We make the offhand comment that Farley was going to drink himself into an early grave if he kept it up.
Not an hour later, the first reports of his body being found came over the radio.
Freaked the carp out of us. We told the office manager, and she thought we were joking until we made her listen to the news herself.
A few years ago, my friends met Bob Saget at a bar on Rush Street. He was alone. And piss-wasted. They took him back to my friend's apartment and got him high. That is all.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
just thought about that. he didn't know til the morning.
i went as tigger that year.
man i miss those days.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
i really didnt know her that well
i saw her recently over xmas though
ive also thought about having teh sex with a deaf girl so i could just spout off the most repugnant horrible diirty things mid coitus
but meeting a girl named ryan on accident is ONE thing
seeking out a deaf girl puts me in a different category
Sunday, October 7, 2007
i was surprised at how little it hurt. discomforting, yes but overall pretty tolerable. the tattoo itself is fairly decent sized, but not so large it won't be hidden by a shirt sleeve, and it's located far enough back you can't see it looking at me from the front.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
I just got a call from Mrs...apparently the litter was full of grubs or slugs that are now crawling all over the litter box and surrounding areas.
I've been requested to leave work to deal with it
Today is the cleaning lady day too, and apparently Mrs and Agnes the cleaning lady are both standing on chairs hugging each other or something. I guess the mean streets of Gdansk can't prepare you for a slug infestation.
she's in her car on her way here. apparently the slugs are fast and are already spreading to the kitchen.
The creeping menace has been contained. The perps were approximate one half inch long, white or cream colored, with a brown spot at one end that may or may not have been a head. I would estimate that the bag of litter contained approximately 300 of them.
Their rate of speed was astonishing...for tiny thing with no legs, some of them managed almost 15 feet since 9:00 am this morning.
Cat is perturbed but will recover. Wife is what they call in psychology "skeeved" and has been in the shower since we got home. Agnes was given an extra $10 for apparently providing moral support in the face of the slug onslaught.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
It goes something like: "Dang diggy diggy dang diggy diggy dang diggy diggy dang"
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
So, we play tennis quite a bit and we got a chance to play yesterday and I wrote "Will you marry me?" on one of the balls and, after a while, threw the ball to her to serve. She is a blonde so she didn't even notice at first! She actually bounced it on the ground and was getting ready to serve it when I told her to look at the ball. While she was doing that, I pulled the ring out and hopped the net....tripped on the net and faceplanted
ring goes flying, crawling around on all fours looking for it while saying "ow ow ow"
Friday, September 28, 2007
I had yellow Kiss pajamas that I refused to wear
Gene Simmons scared me too much. I was 7.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Yesterday, I find out that Lynn recently had a sex change operation and that 6 months ago Lynn was actually Leonard.
Still feel bad for the mistake, but at least my hearing was okay.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
if you want to be funny, you have to come up with new angles on things, not take one mildly funny thing and keep talking about it endlessly
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I pleaded guilty and the judge did a hesitation. They hustled me into court and changed my plea. It cost me 500 dollars and a bunch on insurance premiums. I passed the breath test at the police station. Always hire a lawyer before making a decision. The local judge owned rental property next to me. I talked to him about it. I think that helped!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
My daughter started joking that she wanted to "drink from Daddy's nipples," knowing full well that she couldn't do that. So we go upstairs to put the kids to bed. While my daughter is brushing her teeth in the bathroom, I'm standing next to her using the toliet. She looks over at me and says: "Hey dad, how 'bout I drink from your penis?"
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
So anyway, I'm there last night and I see the Triple Play, which includes a cut and a "relaxing shampoo." I was tired of having to basically take a shower when I got home to get rid of all the hair detritus, so I decided to go for it; it was only another $3.
After the haircut is done, my "stylist" takes me back into the "Showers" and sits me down at a sink-chair. She then wets my hair and puts the shampoo in, then spends like 10 minutes massaging my head.
At this point I felt rather skeevy; I mean, this sort of thing is only a short escalator ride from "sensual massage." On the other hand, I didn't just want to be all like "Please stop touching my head; you're making me uncomfortable and just a little bonerrific." So I just sat there, feeling awkward and having pity on this poor gal who was rubbing some strange dude's head for tips.
The worst part is, there's even a level above the Triple Play that includes "relaxing neck & shoulder massage." When I told Ms. about it, she said they probably have yet another level (hidden from the casual customers) that includes a "full release."
Oh yeah, I got the hot towel, too. I was thankful cause it meant I had an excuse for my face to be red when she took it off. I'm sure it's harmless, but for somebody who's not used to it, it can feel kinda weird.
Not so much when I reached up to my head to touch it.
A bird pooped on my shoulder roughly 100 ft from the incident today roughly 2 years ago.
So Noah conscripts his family and gets to work on building a huge boat. I guess they didn't have much call for boats back then, or at least big ones, because his neighbors were all like, "You're nuts."
Pretty soon it starts raining, and Noah and his family and his wild kingdom board the ark. Or maybe they went in before the rain started, I've always been fuzzy on that detail.
It keeps raining and raining, to the point where all the land is covered. IOW, everything's dead except what's floating in the boat. Meanwhile, they're all getting REALLY sick of each other.
Eventually, it seems that the rain has stopped, so Noah sends a dove out a few times, and on one trip it comes back with an olive branch, which is assumed to signal that the water has gone down enough that at least one olive tree is visible. How it survived a catastrophic flood, I'm not sure. But we're talking about a whole bunch of animals and people living in a boat for a month, so I'm not gonna lose the forest for the trees here.
Then they get out and there's a rainbow.
Monday, September 10, 2007
puked on myself while driving
peed in the dishwasher and slept on the kitchen counter
threw up on myself and decided to sleep in the bathtub.
mattress slid all 27 flights in the watts
Tried to walk from Florence to Rome
chugged 15 cups of bambas hot sase
rode laps around a squad car on my bike telling him to look at the sky before hitting a sewer grate
branded myslef and 3 girls with red hot bottle caps
jumped a moving train freight train a rode it a block or two.
Stole a neighbor's door mat and used it to pretend I was Aladdin While singing "A Whole New World."
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
2. To the LAM lady in the back with her daughter on her lap: STFU. Seriously. The only reason you asked the book report question was so that you could announce "LAM - my daughter reads 400 page books". And please realize that having your 6th grade daughter sit on your lap whilst you hug her during a beginning-of-school open house did more social damage to her than if you had arrived naked. It might have been OK back in 2nd grade, but your daughter's white face should have told you that you are subjecting her to a year of "lap-sitter" jokes.
3. On behalf of all parents, my apologies to you, Miss 22 year-old first-year English teacher. You had to deal with LAM lady AND the woman taking notes and asking about the percentage breakdown between fiction and non-fiction book reports. The fact that she tried to bust you out on the total number of non-fiction in-class book reports required by the end of May ("But earlier you said...") just was an attempt to show everyone that she had taken notes at the beginning. Your "it's in the manual that you have in your hands" response was $$. Good work.
4. To the parent who busted out her daughter by asking the library question - bravo. You knew it last year when your daughter used the "I can't find the non-fiction books, and there isn't a librarian there when I'm there" excuse that it was full of holes. Choosing to use the open house to bust out your daughter was well done - lesson learned. When the teacher responded "we have not one but two full time librarians", you're daughter's face got whiter than the lap-sitter's.
5. To the "Shhhhh!!!" lady - seriously, give it a rest. We know it's a quick shot of adrenaline to get to sit in one of those tiny chairs again and get your shhhh on, but everyone resents you now even more than they did back in 1983. ShhhTFU.
I then watched Club MTV repeatedly and copied the moves from there in order how to learn. I then went to said dance and when this song came on i was dancing like it was nobody's business. Years later i found out that everyone who i ended up becoming friends with made fun of me but they didn't know I was the one dancing like that. I never confessed to them it was me until i was 26 years old.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
i know. it was basically dead (taking about one breath every thirty seconds or so, not moving). but still, it was horrible and weak.
That dog is prolly covered in nasty fleas.
I imagine that killing yourself takes a fair amount of courage. Some people have the courage to die when all hope is lost and others have the courage to live.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
That's about the same time that my wife was promoted to supervisor and she has been my boss ever since.
City streets are a different story. Trees and light poles are down everywhere, lots of traffic signals out.
Oh, and to the douchebag driving the PT Cruiser that doesn't understand the concept of "traffic light out = 4-way stop," you deserved to get honked at. So I'm glad that paying paying attention to me while talking on your phone and flipping me off at the same time caused you to rear end the car in front of you. You stupid a$$clown.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ex-g/f #2 (the one I just recently went to see in NYC, and had supposedly moved on from me): "I know I said that we could be friends, but I don't think I can do it. Deep down, I know there's still feelings for you that have been kept quiet for awhile because you haven't been around. If you start coming around more, I think those feelings are going to come out in full force and I can't do that to myself."
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
YOU DID NOT JUST FACEBOOK ME AND FRIEND REQUEST!!!!
I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU1111111111111111111111
she stalked me
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
and i thought "it can wait. " brimming with unfound confidence, i actually worked a brief stop at the local drug store to pick up a case of bottled water.
getting out of the car, the itinerary suddenly changed and i charlie chaplined it to the back of the store where the dreaded unisex solo bathroom came into view.
locked. i stood there for a minute, then two and then what seemed like a month and a half. and the pharmacist says "it's always locked. here's the key" and pointed to the key which was, i kid you not, chained to a large plastic fish bowl.
by now i'm touching cotton and can't open the effin' door. " Gotta loosen up a little on the key. it's kind of tricky" he says. beautiful. Finally, i get in, create havoc and then hear someone trying to get in.
why a friggin DRUG STORE bathroom wouldn't have a can of Glade on deck, i don't know. so in an obvious futile gesture, i just soaped my hands and started waving my hands in the air like freaking' Arthur Fiedler. just hoping the soap molecules would attach themselves to the poo molecules.
meanwhile, the door knob keeps jigglin. Finally, i brave the elements and walk out, fish bowl in hand, and just about collide into a stunning 20something blond who rushes past me ( obvio, no eye contact ) into the violated area.
i bee-lined right out of the store and drove 10 miles to pick up my water.
poor lass. i'm convinced she'll never have sex with a man again ( sorry, taz ) .
Friday, August 17, 2007
Monday, i hurt my back
Tuesday, i got fired
a couple of fuzzy days in between.
today, I got word that i still had my job ( it's nice to be in good with my superivisor and the owner of the company). I will admit that it looked good either way that i would get my job back as they were going to work some sort of deal with me in a meeting that i was supposed to have today. as it turned out, i never had the meeting even though i was there for it. The plant manager fired me on Tuesday and i was told today by my supervisor that he talked to the owner and she overruled the plant manager and i never lost my job to begin with.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
The big guy's response: "Little boys don't play with dolls."
Well, guess what was under the tree on Christmas morning, fat man!?!?
Jessica Biel plans to shed her threads in the upcoming movie "Powder Blue" … she'll play a "stripper trying to earn money to raise her terminally ill son," and audiences will get an eyeful. Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt".
While looking at white pants: "Too white-pants-y. Stupid Bikeboy!"
While looking at a little black dress: "This is a perfect little black dress. AAAHHH, stupid pck!!!"
I made a second emergency visit to the bathroom at 7 AM too.
I have no desire to go back there any time soon. My tummy still isn't right.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Costs me $0
For those who know the area...it is right behind Fritz's Little Fryer.
Monday, August 13, 2007
To make matters worse, I was wearing the kind of boxers with no button on the fly today.
the rights to 'thetimmer' name will be auctioned on ebay by the end of the day
As soon as he starts snoring I'll sit upright in my chair quickly and growl as if I heard a strange noise.
He pops up with his ears all sideways or inside out and his eyes halfway rolled up in his head.
Then I say, "What the fuck was that?! Who's here?"
He takes off for the window growling and chuffing. Looks left. Looks right. Looks at me. I start laughing and he rests his chin on the windowsill and lets out a big sigh.
Trots back to his nap spot, looks at me disdainfully and heaves a disgusted sigh.
I was just like what?
they wispered again "I'm gonna kill you"
My response "Oh no you are not"
yeah. I guess putting the number on the national Do Not Call list does nto work for people who threaten to kill you.
What makes it even worse is that she looks incredible.
Pretty average photos...although I could do without the celebratory look and actions of the groom...
Friday, August 10, 2007
at least i'm not an asshole who gives out my kids' contact info. to strangers on the internet.
at least i'm not an asshole who rips into a chick for doing something i gave her permission to do.
so i've got all that going for me.
I'm not sure how or why that started, but it amuses me.
and so on......
Thursday, August 9, 2007
yeah...so light, you deleted the thread, cowboy.
step 1: destroy the evidence.
step 2: declare victory.
step 3: go on 'america's got talent' and win america's heart doing lame covers.
ys, i've been following your career.
so let's lay this out....some mod unnecessarily locks two active bonds threads because there is a third (all of which are discussing different aspects of the historic event).
the mods are called out in a separate thread.
a mod jumps in and makes a general ass of himself (further establishing the initial postulate).
realizing this, either he or some other mod coming to the aid of the damsel-in-distress deletes -- not locks -- deletes the thread.
the erstwhile ass-mod comes back and actually brags about his performance in the now-deleted thread, no longer up for review and objective evaluation.
yeah, the mods definitely don't suck.
for a bunch of professed liberatarians, i haven't seen petty meddlers like you since i stopped covering the student government for the DI.
i shudder to think what we'd be treated to...on subjects you do give a shit about (did you forget that you told us that you didn't give a shit about this? remember, you are too cool to care).
and as if you don't make this place boring enough with your over-moderation, you had to subject us all to this piece of detritus from your subconscious?
thanks for that.
Rumpleminz + Jager is the classic Dead Nazi..I used to make the house jew take them with me at all house functions. We actually had about 4-5 jews... but only one that had a sense of humor about it.
I don't know why I decided to add grenadene.
I remember going to the Super K on Prospect & Bradley because they had a place where I could set such a plan up. Once I did so and made a down payment, they told me I had to call customer service to get the service turned back on. Since I had no phone at home, I used the pay phone in the vestibule. I stood there for about four hours waiting on hold before I finally got everything squared away. Luckily I had long since stopped going to class, so I wasn't really missing anything.
GF at the time had convinced me to have a second line installed, which she and I proceeded to use to make calls to our intranets friends in FL and LA, respectively.
the bottles of monarch and aristocrat are still brimming.
the old raj is spent.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
I was trying not to laugh as he was dancing around... asking me what she said, etc.
Eff 'em both. She's a basket-case with more issues than National Geographic and he's dumber than a box of rocks. They deserve each other.
I was still half asleep when I was called about an interview tomorrow. The address is 1999 Wabash Ave Suite 209 in Springfield.
Interview is tomorrow at 11 AM. If I could remember what the place is, I might remember what job I applied for since I have sent so many out lately
they woke me up in the middle of a sleep
I was still very drowsy. Had a very rough night last night and I'll leave it at that.
BTW I found out who it is according to the phone number on my phone....Horizontech
but at the time...I didn't know it was a job calling
it could have been family...someone could have an emergency...
Monday, August 6, 2007
The geese fly in everyday. I wonder what is going to eat the dead fish. Some potassium phosphate whatever was put in the pond. He mixed diesel fuel with weed killer and sprayed it on the grass growing in the driveway. He said it would stick better. The property is protected by the Dept of Conservation.
My mom says my grandfather was the same way. I was the only baby he ever held. He refused to hold others. I am the same way. Nieces, nephews, friends kids..get back to me in a couple years when they're fun.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
I'll take care of this. i think i should have kept my mouth shut about this on here.
just forget about it... my mistake
it wont happpen again. have a nice day.
you're right, i handled it wrong..... now, let it die please!
i was a little reluctant. I wasn't totally sure if i should do this and now thinking about it, i should never open up like that again. my mistake jackie, i'll make sure i wont do it again. i am feeling uncomfortable about this, i should never open up like this again. i dont know what i was thinking.
no, i just didn't know what to do..... I should have kept this to myself.
I thought it might be a good idea but.... not. I try to open up to people and i get more that i bargain for. I knew i should listened to my dad when he told me gives things to yourself and deal with it in your own way.
i am... i said lets forget about it... you guys are the ones piling on here.
i just felt uncomfortable as time went on about it... i usually dont open up like this thats why i want this to end now, but people wont let it go. Just delete or lock the thread and everything will go away. It's one of those things you regret bringing up. im kinda of a private person and i did something that i normally dont want to do.
I just regret saying something in the first place. I acted without thinking.
She is a nice person and i dont have a problem talking to her, but everytime i do, she gets more aggressive with her actions by putting her arms around me and saying things to me that she shouldn't.
she cant keep her hands off of me. i think it's pretty obvious. Should i just ignore her and really get her pissed or what? She seems a little fragile, so i dont want to do something that.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
its gotta hurt your self esteem to see kids much younger than you, making so much more.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
guy just walked right out in front of me,.. then stopped in the middle of the street to yell at his friend...
i was seriously thinking about bumping him.
I had to SLAM on the breaks
I was so pissed
maybe that would make him wake the eff up to his surroundings
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
I wish I would have known about the lunch, I would have went
Why was it so secretive?
Yeah, that sucks
the plan was that I would flip it backhand from an upright seated position between the fixture and the ceiling (like a pole vault) and then lean back in my chair and catch it on the other side in one smooth, hyperawesome motion.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
i read the word beverages as "beaver rags" the first time i had to read aloud in grade school
Thursday, July 26, 2007
said she couldn't hear him, and he replied "you could hear me. and now you're gonna feel me."
i grabbed my phone, dialed 9-1...and waited, watching the man, expecting him to hit her. he did not.
I also found out tonight she's on antidepressants
I just checked my facebook, and she sent me a message saying all kinds of ... "stuff" about "a connection" and "the future"
I mean I know I'm just that charming and all that they can't resist but wow...
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I told my wife, she didn't seem to care too much.
"Hey Dr. ________, Henry is bleeding pretty bad out of his rectum again. I need to take him somewhere soon, where should I go?"
Should I have called back?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
I rented him a car once, but didn't know it was him. I said that it was probably a good thing I didn't know, otherwise I would have taked his credit card and went "Doodie, Doodie, Doodie" while I was swiping it.
Also rented cars in Westmont to Mark Burhle and Bo Jackson
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Some of the stuff she left on my daughters voicemail is just ridiculous.
I feel sorry for her
I admit a major mistake for providing her my daughters cell phone numbers. Seriously she needs to get a life
And you two need to drop this whiny "girls are people too" carp
For the record, best days of my life:
1. Son was born
2. Bears won the Super Bowl
3. Got married
4. 1st daughter born
5. 2nd daughter born
Cubs World Series Win or Illini NC in hoops are just begging to make the list
I can put you in touch with my daughters and you can advise them how hurt/disgusted/empty that they SHOULD feel about that.
I think that their response would be something like "Wow, you're really whiny about that girls are people too stuff. Grow up"
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
No? Didn't think so. So...go away and get off your miniscule high-horse.
i now have a scanner that i can hook up and actually know how to use it. the picture is in a sealed envelope in my desk drawer. i'm just a tad lazy. but i think Jackie and IBDA might really enjoy it....
well, as she was driving me in this morning (thank GOODNESS! i pick up our van today) she suggested that for halloween i be a cop and she could be a hooker.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
So eff you, and everyone else who loves to laugh at me. I hope you all die!
I still wish that bullet would have found it's mark and struck you behind the temple you worthless piece of sh*t
Monday, July 16, 2007
Did you know karakoe means "empty orchestra"
How would one know if said toe was broken?
It'd be a lot of money thrown away if I really can't run and bike. Plus, I'm not convinced it's broken.
she seems like a really sweet girl, and that scores lots of points in my book. Now, maybe the whole "small town, sweet girl" thing is an act, but I doubt it.
BTW, I just assume she's from a small town. I never paid enough attention to know for sure.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Kind of like a pear-shaped midget.
She grabbed my arm at the end of our date with her pudgy little midget hands and asked me, "Do you want something serious? Or do you just want to play around."
"Uh, I'm just looking to make friends."
Last Match date.
The cop told me that if I show up to court... he will ask the prosecutor to dismiss it.
It looks like this one will remain off my record too.
I am a danger on the roads.
And you don't need to worry about the 3oz thing, there are small containers that they give away at weddings that hold just enough liquid to do the trick.
I once say a lady do that in the waiting area when there was a mother with 5 really poorly behaving children. The whole area was thankful for her quick thinking. And ever since then, I've kept some in my desk draw at work and with my carry-on toilettries (again, sp).
You are all selfish bastards. I can turn it around on you and say that she has every right to be on the plane and should not be required to drug her child to please you. Get over it and accept it as a necessary evil of PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
When are we going to get the Great Midget Hero. I don't count Yoda, he isn't even really a human. That's as close as it gets. Even the adult movie industry has made a mockery of these people.
What is most disturbing is that nobody even wants to talk about it. Have we sunk so low?
Well I won't be quiet about it anymore. I for one believe that the midgets and bearded ladies of the world have been surpressed for too long. Ok, I feel better now.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
If I had to guess, both are somewhere between 1998 and 2001 because I know we bought them used. I guess it's just not something that I care enough about to log into my memory bank.
2. Leggings. It's effing July, in Atlanta. If you're cold, go to the effing doctor. Something's wrong with you.
3. High-waisted jeans. Yeah, jeans that flatten and broaden your ssa are sexy. Really sexy. So sexy that people outside of West Virginia call them mom jeans.
Another one: Those big ass sunglasses that resemble the ones your parents got for you at Disneyworld. I get it, honey, you're a butterface and the glasses do a good job of hiding your hideous grill.
Kinda messy though.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Watching him/her struggle with the giant bottles while I'm getting drunk has to be the funniest thing ever. I hope to make it happen one day. I will make it happen.
i went to the pound last week.. to get a cat.. saw a Siamese and fell in love with it. it was already adopted though
going to raise a kitten. friend is getting one from chicago and bringing it down. i love their coats and eyes.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
this south korean clan picked me up on the plains, getting attacked by 3 horde.. they protected me and then let me roll with them..
they also gave me food for my pet
Saturday, July 7, 2007
To give you an indication of how drunk this girl was. Even if I had asked her what her phone number is, she had a 0% chance of getting anything out of her mouth I actually understood. She was talking to us while throwing herself at us and not only could she not complete a sentence, but she couldn't even utter a word of recognizable english. The way she asked us to buy her more drinks was by pointing at our drinks and then pointing at herself. We said no and then when the bartender came over to get her order he immediately cut her off.
She was wobbly and needed to hold onto things to stay up straight. If I had been a little more drunk, and therefore less perceptive to her drunkeness, it would have been another story, but at our drunk level, it was obvious this girl needed to go home- by herself- and have a nice little date with her toilet for awhile.
Friday, July 6, 2007
If I can't find a menial labor job...what in the hell makes me think I'll ever work in a professional sport?
This is just a stupid pipe dream...and it isn't even appreciated by the likes you people...so why even f*n continue this crap?
it's always about you guys, huh. my my we think very highly of ourselves, don't we? Have you taken into consideration that I wasn't thrilled with my damn article so I decided to cancel it out? uh...ever think of that?!
That's the problem with a lot of people here...which makes me think that maybe...just maybe...if you want to read my articles...you have to read the blog...no more sneak previews
no..you're being a dick
okay..you're an ass then...that better?
well I don't have a hell of a lot going for me. so 'ol "Gloom and Doom" is back....Deal with it!
Oh my...I think that I'll get about 8 minutes of sleep before I hear the sweet sound of clanging of pots and pans. Oh shit, I hear birds. Good night.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
sooo good soooo cooooooool...
i'm officially all sticky
there a seeds on my desk
If one of my uncles called me a smartass, in a serious tone, I'm sure it would have been because I had been disrespectful, and my Dad would have made it very clear to me that that won't fly.
Even for a girl. My 13 y.o. daughter is a real smartass, at least to me.
Fortunately she hasn't taken her attitude towards any of her aunts or uncles, but the first time she does, will be the last.
If one of my nieces or nephews copped an attitude with me I wouldn't hesitate to tell them they were a smartass. If my brother called me out on it (whether his wife put him up to it or not), I'd tell him his kid is a brat and to go pound sand.
I thought he was dead.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
I'm gonna slip your bartender and cuter and much morer nicer friend an extra 10 spot because you were such dick
Eff you beotch!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
RE: those voice box thingies that people who've had tracheotomies use to talk - what would happen if someone without a tracheotomy were to use one while talking? Would it be like a megaphone, making the speaker's voice really loud, or would it sound the same?
I have no idea how they work but suspect that they amplify some sort of vibration in the throat that occurs with or without the use of voice, and therefore it would sound the same, except with the speaker's voice being audible as well.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Here is an exchange between me and my wife yesterday
Mrs. "What's that noise?"
Me "It's freakin Mary out on the swingset!"
Mrs. "It's dark"
Me "No shit!"
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Just so happens firemen are returning to station right next to me down the block. I flag them down and tell them the situation. Turns out he makes a vulgar display when he walks past them.
a 911 call later and a trip back home to the fiance to give her the heads up, I stop by the fire station to thank them when the guys returned from going after him!
They gave the cops his location and 20 min later they call me to sign papers for a report.
what a wierd night, to end a hectic week!!
p.s. they had multiple reports of this guy doing that sort of thing in the area before, good to finally get him.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
and i still don't have a towel.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Because otherwise you would be eating lunch by yourself on the river and posting a recap with pictures of birds.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
But of course, what do I know...I'm just some redneck rasslin fan who has no teef and lives in a trailer park and beats my ol lady. That's what you think, isn't it? That's all us fans are to you, isn't it? Because, my god, you are so freaking special and superior to all us low lives.
That being aid, I hope we learn all the details of what happened because I would hate to have his legacy tarnished by assuming he just snapped and killed his wife and son. I am not condoning killing someone, but I would like to know why.
Chris and Woman, taken to soon
They were such great rasslers
And now we'll never know what they could have done
One thing we do know, with the WWE they would have won.
Wrestling forever, sleeper holds in the sky
I just hope the Wrestling fans fans remember to try
Cherish every moment, because one day you'll die
Monday, June 25, 2007
"sir, we don't need the attitude"
"um... i'm just upset"
"don't argue with me"
"sir, i'm going to have to ask you to leave"
"thats it, you're done" (gets on radio)
"what the eff ever [throw hands in air and leave]... I'm GONE.. PEACE!!!"
Dude was seriously overweight.. and I was about to ask him to run after me. I've met many good cops, but I can't stand the mofos who think they are secret service....
no wonder people hate cops.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
TINA PO Box 126 Small Town, IL 62666 ▪ (217) 671-xxxx ▪ TINA5879@???.com
Looking for a career position to futher build upon my abilities I have gathered from my education and work experience.
Robert Morris College Springfield, IL
Bachelor of Business Administration Degree April 2000
Associate in Applied Science Degree -Computer Networking December 1998
Platforms: Windows 95/98/XP
Applications: MS Word, MS Excel, MS PowerPoint, MS Outlook
Web Authoring Tool: HTML, MS FrontPage
Self-Employed Middletown, IL
Worked on several Information Technology Projects for Local Companies related to Database Management Part Time transportation and house sitting duties for residents of Middletown
ASHLEY FURNITURE Springfield, IL
Customer Service Rep (March 2007-June 2007)
Answered phone calls and forwarded to proper personnel. Took phone orders. Filed sales in proper locations. Printed orders and forwarded to manager. Took payment. Answered questions from customers. Processed financing applications and forwarded to proper locations for approval or denial.
STATE FARM INSURANCE Bloomington, IL
Consultant, Spherion Personnel Team - IT Maintenance (Nov 2004-May 2006)
Maintenance, Storage and Operation of Database Files used by Disaster Recovery Team Created and Published Reports based on Usage of the Database Files by the Disaster Recovery Team Reported to proper personnel when problems arose in the Maintenance of the Database Files machines or servers.
Self-Employed Middletown, IL
(June 2002-November 2004)
Worked on several Information Technology Projects for Local Companies related to Database Management Part Time transportation and house sitting duties for residents of Middletown
Robert Morris College Springfield, IL
Computer Assistant (January 1999-April 2000)
Created databases for supplies, license plates, and all items in storage.
Maintained departmental records and information on computer system.
Wrote memos to members of the faculty and staff.
Library Assistant (September 1997-December 1998 )
Assisted the faculty and students with library resources.
Checked out materials for students, faculty, and staff via network database. S
orted and coded incoming materials accordingly.
Opened and closed library as requested.
Issued student identification cards to new students.
i hate the pull out method, but that's been our fallback. the pill is out, the doc won't even hear of it (that's ok iwth me).
condoms stink. we use them sometimes, but only the lambskin ones (latex makes both of use sore and itchy). those things aren't cheap, ($7.00 for 3 of them!) and they are still a condom.
so we start au naturel, and 90% of the time i just wait until after she goes, then we have to stop while i put one of those on. not that exciting.
rhythm works ok, but...
Anyone ever done this before and give me some good advice?
Things turned ugly and mini-pck had to take the guy down.
Then, sadly, mini-pck had to take the couple's baby into protective custody. It was obviously a squalor situation. Sad night.
I think it goes back to the day when I saw him at the strip joint. When he saw me, he ran out of there like he was too important and his repuatation mattered too much to be seen. He saw me in the front row, but he thinks he got his fat ass out of there before I saw him. Jokes on him. Sort of.
Now my wife's at the fancy party and I'm about to take the kids out for ice cream. I won't be responding to any comments. Time to go to the beach. I think I got the better end of the deal. Better to hang out with your kids than 100 self-important lawyers.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
find a hobby.
If this keeps up as I'm going to sleep, I'm not going to be happy.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
we arrive EARLY like 1pm for a 5pm docking and hit the top deck off of the bat, doube grey gooses and so forth
well half of my party passes out at 11pm leaving me unattended and not very interested in the comedian so i wander to the piano bar red hot and tipsy, i start doin jager bombs with a guy named chico and requesting off the wall shit from the piano guy which he wont play
so i meander off to the casino and start droppin nickels on the chicago faves, 23, 34, 17, 8....i hit twice and start throwin 5 dolla chips at everyone in the casino....at this point it gets hazy....i toss out roughly 500 bucks by my calculations and reports from my new buddy chico, he got a bill for his babysitting troubles
at this point he takes off and what happens next can only be remembered from the next morning and my pictures
i wake up in the morning surrounded by a few hundred bucks and hear.....do you know what happened last night?
i say.....um.....i gambled
apparently i was escorted/carried back to my room and thrown on the bed with my seapass cause i went up to the top deck and was screaming at the rain under hard wind conditions...i overstepped the baricades....when approached by cruise staff i told them its ok im the captain!! and they can go away
when they grab me i said FINE and went and laid down on one of the flat chair and tell them ill sleep here till the bar opens
so i figured that was it till we get ready to take our voyage off of the boat the next day
they scan m seapass and all the monitors go red and they said i have a "message"
i tell them its OK...ill get it when i get back
no....i must go talk to the captain
APPARENTLY....i wandered into the bowels of the ship somehow and got into some control rooms and got to the captains wheel
when they discovered it i bolted and headed to the top deck to get away from them
he started with......"youre not in trouble but......
they almost cut me off for the rest of the cruise
i ended up having to only get like 1 out of every 10 rounds from there on out cause everytime they scanned me, they were checking on my intake
that was night 1
We took the mats out and practiced falling again.
An evil black belt named Victor showed up and taught us a bunch of dirty tricks to pull out when we are in street fights.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I then tried to give the sour creamy tacos to the homeless person outside. She refused to take them. I gave her an evil look and said, "You just asked me for something to eat and now you are turning it down. You are crazy."
She then took the sour creamy tacos and thanked me.
I hope she got sick!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Luckily, I had printed out my email confirmation so I dug it out of my luggage and handed it to her all disgusted-like. She looked at it and said "This reservation is for the Hampton Inn down the street. This is the Ramada Inn."
I said "Have a nice night" and slinked away into the darkness.
can't sleep, can't seem to have complete bowel movement, i feel all bloated-y, have indigestion like pain...
this is not good.
i forgot to mention i hurt my ribs again. daggone kids are getting too big to wrestle in the pool at the same time. (and i'm not getting any younger).
Total and complete wohstihs.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
i am all for trying to make us a society less dependent upon oil. i have heard about city planning in england and elsewhere where they just aren't putting in roads that you can drive on (only walkways). now this tax, a way to try and force people to drive less. i am all for it.
first off, i never drive downtown. i always use public transportation (even though it is time consuming and such for those of us who live outside of the general areas around the el's). it is just less stressful and cheaper to buy a $5 day pass then to find public parking for $15-30. and you know what? the el's are generally empty out in the far reaches of the city and the burbs. almost no one makes the same choice as me and i understand that to some extent (cta does usually double my travel time and sometimes increases walking distance). but to some extent, it blows my mind that people don't take advantage of public transportation more, especially with skyrocketing gas prices.
let me add this for all the selohssa who want to jump down my throat about my above statement:
my statement was meant as an invitation to tell me the other side (that is why i put that first sentence in there, admitting that i had only heard one side of the argument)
of course, people here just want to put me down just because of the username instead of having a legitamite conversation about it.
i am going to work. have a good morning all
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Now taking suggestions for writing material, TIA
She bought a pellet gun to shoot the squirrels that come up on her porch. Evidently she brought it into work Monday after she bought it over lunch.
She's also wearing bowling shoes and Pete Maravich floppy socks with clamdigger pants.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I have a few ideas of things that I think will work out well, but I would like to get some input, too.
On the plans now are a complete renovation of the Daily News Links, because that code has been sitting there for the last 6 years now, and never updated since it was first written. It works, but there are some things that can be done to make it even better now.
Other than that, I don't know what else people would like to see. I have guesses, and I think my guesses are pretty good when it comes to stuff like this, but I will see.
So, now is your chance, what do you want to see? If you could change something, what would you change?
Any answer is valid, though some may be less valid than others.
Monday, June 11, 2007
classmates' ears are safe. They know how to protect their ears. We spend a lot of time learning how to block.