Monday, June 27, 2011

How the eff is Ambien even legal?

Took some to sleep last night, and apparently scared the crap out of the wife. Called her down to the basement to tell her that the light was crawling the walls and I was scared because I didnt know if it was going to take me to sleep or to hell. Then, I proceeded to [front] grope her while staring at the DVR light. How is a drug that does that approved by the FDA?

Friday, June 24, 2011

I just p^ssed all over myself at work...

in the can, standing at a urinal talking to the dude next to me about how nice the weather is..."blah blah blah, gonna play golf this weekend, yeah, should be nice, beautiful day, you know it, hahahaha, blah blah"...goes on for 20-30 seconds. I look down and the stream of piss is hitting my shirt tail that is sticking out a bit (I mean a lot, you know, I'm huge) and then forming a perfect stream to my pants are very effective at catching all the piss as it looks like none hit the floor.

Walk back to my office was not awesome; grabbed a 'Penske' file to cover the damage. Supposed to go to happy hour in an hour or so. Good times.

let me say this about the night life in portland

it's 5x that of seattle, which sucks ass, so that's not saying much.

a few great areas with lots of potential. except i've never seen a bigger collection of hipster####ingdirtylosers in my life.

and one more thing: if you're a gay bar, how about a little rainbow or a pink dot or SOMETHING in your sign or entrance door for a clue?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

i might as well have set the guy's hair on fire.

walking along, minding my business in helsinki. then got the call.

"oh, #### me."

so i spot this big hotel. can't find the lobby loo. go to the front desk and pull out my map and ask for directions to someplacenotatoliet. i smile and thank her. " oh, where is the restroom?"

" it's around the corner. through our restaurant."

that's an x factor that doesn't bode well, historically, i'm thinking.

find it and it's half the size of my dorm room in taft. and there's a separate door for the sorry-piece of plastic uni-bucket they call a toliet. i open the door and have to curtsey with it to get behind it just to close it. just in time -- and in concert with a few coughs -- bowels evacuated. i've been walking for two hours, it's hot, there's no A/C and now i'm sweating like a pig. perfect.

i see the door lock twist. some poor bastard is trying to get in. "bad day for you, mother####er" i'm thinking. but i bee-line out and as i dance with door to get out, the guy is nearly rushing the door to get in. i'm staring at the floor the whole time, but the sick part of me does look up to steal a glance into his euro-eyes to see dreams of an age completely dashed. as he's closing the door, i hear sort of a walrus moan.

in the business, we call that a two-fer.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Gave my neighbor kid an old wood baseball bat.

They were out pitching and catching balls. He grew up without bucks. I let them play ball in the back yard. The kids were rubbing the wood bat like it was treasure. "Where did you get that mister?" Priceless.

Monday, June 13, 2011

you wanted a cow story

So late last week I had a cow getting close to calve. I was pretty excited about it as it is one of my favorite cows as far as quality goes, and I had trouble getting her to breed last year. (she was bred, dropped the pregrancy) Thursday night around 11, I walked out in the pasture to go check on her. Everything looked good and I figured she would probably calve overnight. I got up at around 5 the next morning, and walked out to the pasture. She had a very nice little heifer calf dried off and at her side. The calf was healthy and had already nursed. I finished feeding, and went off to work.

After work I got home I needed to go out and weigh and tag the calf. I went out to the pasture and started looking for the calf. I could not find the calf anywhere. I found the cow but no calf. I walked up over a little hill and on the other side of it found this.

What I found was half of a calf carcass. The carcass was seperated right in front of the pelvic bone. Just the rear legs and a tail were there. As you can guess I am all WTF. There was no blood, no guts, nothing other than the bottom half of this calf. My mind was pretty much racing at a million miles an hour. It would take something either extremely strong, or several animals to break a calf at the spine. My mind first turned to the thought of a mountain lion. They aren't supposed to be in Illinois but there are countless rumors of people seeing them in our county (even my neighbor). Then I thought possibly a pack of dogs or coyotes but it would be crazy unusual for either especially with a herd of cows to deal with.

I literally ran back to my house trying to figure out what to do since I have many other calves running around in the pasture. I decided to go back out in the pasture to see if I could find anything else. I came back, this time with a gun and searched all over, but found absolutely nothing. I also learned I am a puss. Even carrying a gun the thought of large cat had me crazy scared walking through a piece of woods on our pasture. It started getting dark so I went back up the house not finding a thing other than the carcass.

Saturday morning I decided I needed to go look again. I looked in some new spots that I hadn't covered the night before and still nothing. I decided to go look towards where the cows were laying in the far corner of the pasture. As I am walking along I stumble across a calf that I don't have tagged. I didn't have anything else close to calving, so again I am all WTF?? The calf is healthy and strong. It gets up and runs over to the cow that calved Thursday night/Friday morning and immediately starts nursing. It was pretty obvious that it was her calf. At this point I am pretty much baffled.

I started taking inventory of all cows/calves and everyone is account for which made me wonder what calf did I find Friday night.

The conclusion I have drawn is that I found a dead calf from someone elses herd. (the closest herd that I know is about 2 miles away) My guess is that they had a dead calf and either shallow buried it or put it somewhere to rot. Coyotes then carried it to my place where the back half of the carcass found its way coincidentally in to my pasture. I stumbled across it when looking for the newborn calf who was probably hiding in the tall grass somewhere. The carcass wasn't what i would call fresh, but it wasn't days old either and I just dismissed it since it was about 97 on Friday. This is my best explanation and would explain the lack of blood and guts and rest of the body.

It was quite the range of emotions between Friday nand Saturday morning. From happy to WTF to scared to baffled to happy once again. I have a call in to the neighboring farm to see if they think it could have came from their place.

Here is a happy cow/calf (not the cow/calf in question) picture to cleanse the palate

Friday, June 10, 2011

pic of the new MILFmoblie

one of my colleagues ran to my boss the other day and told him I attacked him and made him feel like

he was working in a hostile environment.

He came to me looking to vent against one of our preferred vendors (he's often complaining about vendors not doing good work for him - unless it's the vendor he tried to bring in) and I tried to offer him advice and suggestions to help resolve an issue they've had for the past 4 weeks.

he hadn't thought to do any of the things I suggested, and outright rejected them as plausible next steps or possibilities, got defensive and angry, and when I told him he was acting like an "know-it-all who knew more than everyone else and so no other scanario could possibly be right" he stormed off, came back to tell me it would do no good to go to the vendor's shop to see what they were seeing, and stormed off again still muttering something from his office loud enough for me to hear he was talking but not loud enough for me to hear what he was saying.

I blew it off as a disagreement. I hadn't gotten mad at all and in fact the conversation was no different than any disagreement I've had with any other people here, though he did get a little loud when he got defensive, and obviously he got mad when he stormed off.

Instead of coming back to me to chat about it after a cooldown period...he went and tattled to our supervisor the first chance he had (he marched over there a minute after we had talked, but our boss wasn't in his office, and so he paced outside his office in the hall).

My boss shot me an email that night saying we needed to talk about it, and I was confused. my response was "Really? What's there to discuss?" And he knew right away that since I didn't know what the hell this was about that Jared had blown this out of proportion, and once he heard my side of the story, said that the advice I gave to Jared ended up being the same advice he gave to him after Jared was done tattling. thanked me for trying and said he'd tell Jared that next time, don't go looking for advice if you're not prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. Said there was no need to apologize for calling him a "know-it-all".

Our former boss used to tell us she was tired of him tattling on us for disagreeing with him. This is a 35 year old man.

This dude offices right next to me, and though I wasn't at all upset about him getting defensive and mad, I now want to kill him for being a little thin-skinned b###h.

Monday, June 6, 2011

FYI: Dear Mr. Internet is Serious Business...

Thanks for meching me and emailing my potential boss. Thanks a bunch.

P.S. Go #### yourself with ####ing aids infected dick.

P.P.S.: I hope you die in a tirefire.