Thursday, August 30, 2007


Observations from a 6th grade back-to-school open house

1. Holy hell do parents flock to these things. It must be guilt, because most parents have to realize by now that there isn't much information disseminated that didn't already arrive in the form of a handbook. The looks on everyone's face was more "why are we here again?" than "fascinating - they'll be learning the scientific method!"

2. To the LAM lady in the back with her daughter on her lap: STFU. Seriously. The only reason you asked the book report question was so that you could announce "LAM - my daughter reads 400 page books". And please realize that having your 6th grade daughter sit on your lap whilst you hug her during a beginning-of-school open house did more social damage to her than if you had arrived naked. It might have been OK back in 2nd grade, but your daughter's white face should have told you that you are subjecting her to a year of "lap-sitter" jokes.

3. On behalf of all parents, my apologies to you, Miss 22 year-old first-year English teacher. You had to deal with LAM lady AND the woman taking notes and asking about the percentage breakdown between fiction and non-fiction book reports. The fact that she tried to bust you out on the total number of non-fiction in-class book reports required by the end of May ("But earlier you said...") just was an attempt to show everyone that she had taken notes at the beginning. Your "it's in the manual that you have in your hands" response was $$. Good work.

4. To the parent who busted out her daughter by asking the library question - bravo. You knew it last year when your daughter used the "I can't find the non-fiction books, and there isn't a librarian there when I'm there" excuse that it was full of holes. Choosing to use the open house to bust out your daughter was well done - lesson learned. When the teacher responded "we have not one but two full time librarians", you're daughter's face got whiter than the lap-sitter's.

5. To the "Shhhhh!!!" lady - seriously, give it a rest. We know it's a quick shot of adrenaline to get to sit in one of those tiny chairs again and get your shhhh on, but everyone resents you now even more than they did back in 1983. ShhhTFU.


i liked this song a lot going into 7th grade when i was going to a new school. They had a dance to welcome the new students in the fall so i had to learn how to dance.

I then watched Club MTV repeatedly and copied the moves from there in order how to learn. I then went to said dance and when this song came on i was dancing like it was nobody's business. Years later i found out that everyone who i ended up becoming friends with made fun of me but they didn't know I was the one dancing like that. I never confessed to them it was me until i was 26 years old.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Some folks say that I'm egotistical

Hell, I don't even know what that means! I guess it has something to do with the way That I fill out my skin-tight blue jeans

the dog we are pet-sitting for killed a baby bunny this afternoon;

she tried to bring it inside. i had to pry it out of her mouth. it wasn't all the way dead yet, so i left it on the porch because i couldn't bring myself to throw it away while it was alive. so its sitting out on my deck dead now. i have to go throw it away. this is almost as bad as the day that i had to get our cat that got hit by a car out of the road and bury her.

i know. it was basically dead (taking about one breath every thirty seconds or so, not moving). but still, it was horrible and weak.

That dog is prolly covered in nasty fleas.

so my daughter has changed her myspace name to-

Yes we can be friends with benefits...

time to have a long talk with her.

I would bet that alot of people who really want to die, cannot kill

themselves because of fear.
I imagine that killing yourself takes a fair amount of courage. Some people have the courage to die when all hope is lost and others have the courage to live.

Uninteresting Recycled Phone Number Story

Moved apartments back in March. Our new home phone number was selected, after several options where presented. On occasion, we get calls from predominately Asian names on the Caller ID. The callers can't speak a lick of English and do not want to hang up after we say wrong number. Last night a person who spoke perfect English, asked for Restaurant X. I said they had the wrong number, they rattled off my home phone number and I said that was correct. They commented that the website must have the wrong number then. So today, I Googled the home phone number to find out that it is tatooed on several restaurant websites for Restaurant X. It appears to have moved locations, as most website's give a Lower East Side location as well, and the reviews on the restaurant located on the Upper West Side are dated in the late 90's. Like the subject says, not that interesting, just annoying.

Monday, August 27, 2007

hey mods...

how come woodaby gets to clown mech and my posts doing same get deleted?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I worked all the normal areas when I was in HS. Then,

when I was in college, I made biscuits (worked 4:30 to 9 or so). I was the Central Illinois Hardee's Biscuit Making Champ of 1985.

That's about the same time that my wife was promoted to supervisor and she has been my boss ever since.

OMG, what a storm. I tried to leave Arlington Heights in time

to beat it, but 53 was all jammed up because of construction and I got caught right in the middle of it. I later heard on the radio that two semis jacknifed on 53 just after I passed. I'd probably be sitting there still if I'd waited. The nice thing was that drivers on the Kennedy were pullng off to the side of the road, and because I'm not a giant yssup, I was able to drive right by.

City streets are a different story. Trees and light poles are down everywhere, lots of traffic signals out.

Oh, and to the douchebag driving the PT Cruiser that doesn't understand the concept of "traffic light out = 4-way stop," you deserved to get honked at. So I'm glad that paying paying attention to me while talking on your phone and flipping me off at the same time caused you to rear end the car in front of you. You stupid a$$clown.

My buddy asked me to watch his duck while he is out of town.

I agreed without thinking... but just realized that I have no idea how to take care of a duck.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

***Now drinking***

Dear Ipod:

WHY did you have to play We've Got Tonight in the middle of my 4th mile tonight? You know I have to sing along to that at the top of my lungs, and that was going to make me out of breath for miles and five and six.

If you were a dude

Would you feel comfortable drinking a strawberry smoothie?

In a clear cup?

With a big thick pink straw?

so I was out with the dog and a guy rode by on his bike. The dog

started barking and the guy yells, Hey, shut your yttihs faced dogs mouth. I yelled some very un-Christian like things to him.

I quit my job today tired of it.... but won't worry...I found another job. I'll be working for Chippendales!!! They said I had the biggest hose they've ever seen!!!

Girls are confusing and contradictory

Quotes from exs this weekend Ex-g/f #1: "It's important that you know that I don't have feelings for you anymore." No more than 10 minutes later... "There's a part of me that still loves you just as much and in the same way as the day you left."

Ex-g/f #2 (the one I just recently went to see in NYC, and had supposedly moved on from me): "I know I said that we could be friends, but I don't think I can do it. Deep down, I know there's still feelings for you that have been kept quiet for awhile because you haven't been around. If you start coming around more, I think those feelings are going to come out in full force and I can't do that to myself."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


so... i met this girl at the gas station on sunday... WITH HER PARENTS!! Gave them directions to the dorms.


I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU1111111111111111111111

she stalked me

Sunday, August 19, 2007

so on my way to my hotel, i felt a little knock

at the back door.

and i thought "it can wait. " brimming with unfound confidence, i actually worked a brief stop at the local drug store to pick up a case of bottled water.

getting out of the car, the itinerary suddenly changed and i charlie chaplined it to the back of the store where the dreaded unisex solo bathroom came into view.

locked. i stood there for a minute, then two and then what seemed like a month and a half. and the pharmacist says "it's always locked. here's the key" and pointed to the key which was, i kid you not, chained to a large plastic fish bowl.

by now i'm touching cotton and can't open the effin' door. " Gotta loosen up a little on the key. it's kind of tricky" he says. beautiful. Finally, i get in, create havoc and then hear someone trying to get in.

why a friggin DRUG STORE bathroom wouldn't have a can of Glade on deck, i don't know. so in an obvious futile gesture, i just soaped my hands and started waving my hands in the air like freaking' Arthur Fiedler. just hoping the soap molecules would attach themselves to the poo molecules.

meanwhile, the door knob keeps jigglin. Finally, i brave the elements and walk out, fish bowl in hand, and just about collide into a stunning 20something blond who rushes past me ( obvio, no eye contact ) into the violated area.

i bee-lined right out of the store and drove 10 miles to pick up my water.

poor lass. i'm convinced she'll never have sex with a man again ( sorry, taz ) .

Friday, August 17, 2007

what a week i had....

on sunday i blew out my computer modem and i had no internet access untill today.

Monday, i hurt my back

Tuesday, i got fired

a couple of fuzzy days in between.

today, I got word that i still had my job ( it's nice to be in good with my superivisor and the owner of the company). I will admit that it looked good either way that i would get my job back as they were going to work some sort of deal with me in a meeting that i was supposed to have today. as it turned out, i never had the meeting even though i was there for it. The plant manager fired me on Tuesday and i was told today by my supervisor that he talked to the owner and she overruled the plant manager and i never lost my job to begin with.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

When I was 5, I asked the St. Clair Square mall Santa for

a Baby-That-A-Way. It crawled. CRAWLED!

The big guy's response: "Little boys don't play with dolls."

Well, guess what was under the tree on Christmas morning, fat man!?!?

i don't understand why these women don't keep their clothes on.

Jessica Biel plans to shed her threads in the upcoming movie "Powder Blue" … she'll play a "stripper trying to earn money to raise her terminally ill son," and audiences will get an eyeful. Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt".

Stupid Deuce infecting my thoughts whilst shopping

While looking at a skirt: "Too short. Stupid pck!"

While looking at white pants: "Too white-pants-y. Stupid Bikeboy!"

While looking at a little black dress: "This is a perfect little black dress. AAAHHH, stupid pck!!!"

Tried my hand at the Wednesday AYCE wing special at Hooters last night

I got 25 down and woke up at 4 AM to make an emergency visit to the bathroom.
I made a second emergency visit to the bathroom at 7 AM too.

I have no desire to go back there any time soon. My tummy still isn't right.

Got a package from London today

I got a dog!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Well...survived day 1

got a parking place. Department head at the division I am in (Long Term Health Care) has a son in law or brother in law (forgot what she said) who owns a water purification business and has a lot in the back of his business that is hardly used. It has spaces for like 10 she called and asked if I could use one of the spots...he said of course.

Costs me $0

For those who know the is right behind Fritz's Little Fryer.

I was using my purse

to block my obscene cleavage from view, as I recall.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I spent all day getting pwned by my pants zipper.

I realized at about 9am that my zipper slipped the track. After 3 unsuccesful repair tries, I decided to just retie the tie to cover the potentially slipped naughy bits.

To make matters worse, I was wearing the kind of boxers with no button on the fly today.

Seriously, I'm quitting

to those that I have (virtually) befriended, good luck with the rest of your life. Twerpjay knows how I can be reached if you need a wx forecast. Or, see you in fantasy (insert sport here).

the rights to 'thetimmer' name will be auctioned on ebay by the end of the day

I'm outta here, permanently.

This place is too effed up and clique-y (sp?) for me to continue thinking it's worth wasting my time.

Brumby, feel free to permanently ban my name.

Got a temp job with Dept of Public Health

525 W. Jefferson Springfield

start tomorrow.


1 hr lunch


Only question...any idea of parking spaces in that area? They said that parking isn't provided.

The best part about working at home might be spending the day...

effing with Dog.

As soon as he starts snoring I'll sit upright in my chair quickly and growl as if I heard a strange noise.

He pops up with his ears all sideways or inside out and his eyes halfway rolled up in his head.

Then I say, "What the fuck was that?! Who's here?"

He takes off for the window growling and chuffing. Looks left. Looks right. Looks at me. I start laughing and he rests his chin on the windowsill and lets out a big sigh.

Trots back to his nap spot, looks at me disdainfully and heaves a disgusted sigh.

Snores. Repeat!

I tried to duck under a table and got stuck.

Eating at Monicals, I was in the middle of a bench seat with 3 people on either side of me and no one directly across. To avoid asking everyone to move so I could get out I tried sliding under the table. I then realized I've gotten much older and can't bend the way I used to. They had to move the table and help me up. Everyone in the place was chuckling at my misfortune. Now my back and hips hurt. I'm sure it was comical to see the doc on the floor, unable to move. All my pride has now left.

Yesterday, I bought my first vehicle to ever have a CD player.

A 6 CD changer no less. I wonder if I can somehow buy an adaptor to play my cassette tapes. :eh

So I just got a call with somebody whispering

"I'm gonna kill you"

I was just like what?

they wispered again "I'm gonna kill you"

My response "Oh no you are not"

yeah. I guess putting the number on the national Do Not Call list does nto work for people who threaten to kill you.

Awesome, an ex-girlfriend just sent me pictures of her wedding day

Nevermind the fact that I haven't spoken to her in about two years and I've never even met her husband.

What makes it even worse is that she looks incredible.

Pretty average photos...although I could do without the celebratory look and actions of the groom...

Friday, August 10, 2007

whatever i write on here...

at least i'm not an asshole who cares more about the bears than my kids.

at least i'm not an asshole who gives out my kids' contact info. to strangers on the internet.

at least i'm not an asshole who rips into a chick for doing something i gave her permission to do.

so i've got all that going for me.

Stupid pet tricks

One of the dogs (the one with the butt-nugget issues) likes to bark at me from time to time - it's a "pay attention to me/give me something" bark. When I've had enough, I tell him "GET IN THE SHOWER!", and he runs down into the basement, goes into the bathroom and steps into the shower. He then turns around, sticks his head out and wags his tail waiting for me to say "good boy!"

I'm not sure how or why that started, but it amuses me.

Top 5 jobs I could never do

5. Drive-through order-taker
4. Crab fisherman
3. Garbage collector
2. Coal miner
1. Actuary

when you hit 30 the mind starts to go

i have many nicknames for former dates

soft shell
becky michigan
prancy argyle

and so on......

Thursday, August 9, 2007

tonight's deleted thread has been brought to you by... light, you deleted the thread, cowboy.

step 1: destroy the evidence.
step 2: declare victory.
step 3: go on 'america's got talent' and win america's heart doing lame covers.

ys, i've been following your career.

so let's lay this out....some mod unnecessarily locks two active bonds threads because there is a third (all of which are discussing different aspects of the historic event).

the mods are called out in a separate thread.

a mod jumps in and makes a general ass of himself (further establishing the initial postulate).

realizing this, either he or some other mod coming to the aid of the damsel-in-distress deletes -- not locks -- deletes the thread.

the erstwhile ass-mod comes back and actually brags about his performance in the now-deleted thread, no longer up for review and objective evaluation.

yeah, the mods definitely don't suck.

for a bunch of professed liberatarians, i haven't seen petty meddlers like you since i stopped covering the student government for the DI.

i shudder to think what we'd be treated to...on subjects you do give a shit about (did you forget that you told us that you didn't give a shit about this? remember, you are too cool to care).

and as if you don't make this place boring enough with your over-moderation, you had to subject us all to this piece of detritus from your subconscious?

thanks for that.

About 5 years ago, I was wasted and told a bartender to mix me a shot

asked for Rumplemintz, Jager, and grenadene. It tasted like crap. I guess that since I liked them all seperately... why not try them together. I was an idiot. I have never tried to be creative with my shots again.

Rumpleminz + Jager is the classic Dead Nazi..I used to make the house jew take them with me at all house functions. We actually had about 4-5 jews... but only one that had a sense of humor about it.

I don't know why I decided to add grenadene.


College Memories

One time I had run up about a $900 phone bill and, when I couldn't pay it, the phone company shut off our service. This understandably made my roommates angry, so off I went to try to set up a payment plan.

I remember going to the Super K on Prospect & Bradley because they had a place where I could set such a plan up. Once I did so and made a down payment, they told me I had to call customer service to get the service turned back on. Since I had no phone at home, I used the pay phone in the vestibule. I stood there for about four hours waiting on hold before I finally got everything squared away. Luckily I had long since stopped going to class, so I wasn't really missing anything.

GF at the time had convinced me to have a second line installed, which she and I proceeded to use to make calls to our intranets friends in FL and LA, respectively.

My parents NEVER had xes.

They found me under a gooseberry bush.

Really good fruit for jam. Look a little something like this:

so i get home last night after being on the road for three weeks

and the house guests that mrs a was entertaining for the last week -- with the out-of-control kids -- drank most of my good booze.

the bottles of monarch and aristocrat are still brimming.

the old raj is spent.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Why does a Minotaur need a sword?

That's a centaur

I just a call from the ex's b/f.

They fought. He wanted advice. And to know if she said anything to me.

I was trying not to laugh as he was dancing around... asking me what she said, etc.

Eff 'em both. She's a basket-case with more issues than National Geographic and he's dumber than a box of rocks. They deserve each other.

Springfield peeps: help!

I've tried googling this but can't find it.

I was still half asleep when I was called about an interview tomorrow. The address is 1999 Wabash Ave Suite 209 in Springfield.

Interview is tomorrow at 11 AM. If I could remember what the place is, I might remember what job I applied for since I have sent so many out lately

they woke me up in the middle of a sleep

I was still very drowsy. Had a very rough night last night and I'll leave it at that.

BTW I found out who it is according to the phone number on my phone....Horizontech

but at the time...I didn't know it was a job calling

it could have been family...someone could have an emergency...

Monday, August 6, 2007

The property we have been working on has a few ponds.

The guy taking care of the property put some chemicals in a pond to rid it of pond scum. It took care the of algae, but all the bass are floating to the top dead! This guy thought he was in line to get some of the property. The fish stinks and he does too. A big piece of property is not being taken care of.

The geese fly in everyday. I wonder what is going to eat the dead fish. Some potassium phosphate whatever was put in the pond. He mixed diesel fuel with weed killer and sprayed it on the grass growing in the driveway. He said it would stick better. The property is protected by the Dept of Conservation.

I generally don't find small babies cute...

...and I really want nothing to do with them until they're about 2 and start to develop a personality.

My mom says my grandfather was the same way. I was the only baby he ever held. He refused to hold others. I am the same way. Nieces, nephews, friends kids..get back to me in a couple years when they're fun.

i would hate working with you

you have a great way of being a total asshole for no reason just because someone tries to disagree with your point.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

nothing to see here.

obviously people just do not understand my situation. It's easy to comment on something that has nothing to do with you, but if you were in the situation yourself, it might be a different story.

I'll take care of this. i think i should have kept my mouth shut about this on here.

just forget about it... my mistake
it wont happpen again. have a nice day.

you're right, i handled it wrong..... now, let it die please!

i was a little reluctant. I wasn't totally sure if i should do this and now thinking about it, i should never open up like that again. my mistake jackie, i'll make sure i wont do it again. i am feeling uncomfortable about this, i should never open up like this again. i dont know what i was thinking.

no, i just didn't know what to do..... I should have kept this to myself.

I thought it might be a good idea but.... not. I try to open up to people and i get more that i bargain for. I knew i should listened to my dad when he told me gives things to yourself and deal with it in your own way.

i am... i said lets forget about it... you guys are the ones piling on here.

i just felt uncomfortable as time went on about it... i usually dont open up like this thats why i want this to end now, but people wont let it go. Just delete or lock the thread and everything will go away. It's one of those things you regret bringing up. im kinda of a private person and i did something that i normally dont want to do.

I just regret saying something in the first place. I acted without thinking.

ok, i have a problem here...

This girl at work really likes and she has made it very clear many on occasions. She is a very good looking and everything. The thing is, she is married and has 3 kids. She is gettting more aggresive with her actions towards me. I know she is married and i would not dare to try something with her because of it. I have been trying to avoid her a little bit, but she gets very upset if i do something like this. What can i really do here? i dont really want to tell her the truth about the situation because i dont know how she is going to act if i tell her.

She is a nice person and i dont have a problem talking to her, but everytime i do, she gets more aggressive with her actions by putting her arms around me and saying things to me that she shouldn't.

she cant keep her hands off of me. i think it's pretty obvious. Should i just ignore her and really get her pissed or what? She seems a little fragile, so i dont want to do something that.

Friday, August 3, 2007

holy delayed hangover, batman

family left town yesterday for the weekend, leaving me to my own devices. rather than waiting until the weekend proper, decide to go out for dinner and drinks with the buddies last night. consumed a 16 oz. strip at gene and georgetti's among other things. four or five jamesons rocks, couple glasses of red, several beers later , it's 2:30 (i can barely make it past 10). throw flash taco steak burrito on top of said steak. bed at 3, up at 7 to work, was surprisingly functional. it kicked in at 5 pm. i can barely move. i want to puke. i'm wasting a perfectly good bachelor night lying around the house listening to merle haggard. ouch.

we found the dead body in the overturned car

We couldn't see the body from the side of the road. Dad really didn't think there was one in there but he thought we should look and asked me to climb down and see. When was able to look around the car, I could see a hand sticking out. He asked me to check for a pulse. I refused and took our truck down the road to the next house to call for an ambulance. He checked for a pulse while I was gone. there was none.

why does pooper = butt,

but rettihs = toilet?

stupid Valet Trash guy

Our condo complex has Valet know lazy persons dream for trash handling! But the IDIOT who comes around to get it tore the bag that our trash was in.......from the when I walk out the front door to come to work this morning I see personal bathroom artifacts strewn about and the trash all in the Valet Trash bin....grrrrrrrrrrrr

Thursday, August 2, 2007


TINA is, in fact, awesome.

*takes bow*

i feel bad for tellers sometimes...

i just handed a guy a check, that is probably 4 times what he makes in a month to deposit. he looked about 6 years older than me.

its gotta hurt your self esteem to see kids much younger than you, making so much more.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

i hate to say this but...

i've seriously almost purposly hit people.

guy just walked right out in front of me,.. then stopped in the middle of the street to yell at his friend...

i was seriously thinking about bumping him.

I had to SLAM on the breaks

I was so pissed

maybe that would make him wake the eff up to his surroundings

i heart my gf...

who else would make you a 80's tape? a TAPE! she made it all oldschool with self drawn case art.

OMFG i could eat you right now!!!!

My neighbor asked me for pee

I had a neighbor, who asked me to pee in a cup for him because he had a drug test the next day. He was a pot smoker and truck driver. I didn't do it. He was a blast and had great cookouts.

Fritz needs a bath. He stinks. He loves the water, but somehow, when

it's associated with a tub and taking a bath, he's not too fond of it. He behaves during the bath, but I have to lift him into the tub. That's not easy due to his size.

*incredibly pissed off right now*

On the pissed of scale of 1 - 10.... This is a 9.5.
It involved the house and someone I trusted screwed me over.
No more details will be shared. I feel a major dump coming on.