Monday, July 30, 2007

sometimes this place is like one big secret...

there are friends and supposed family and made up stories and tons of inside jokes. sometimes its annoying, sometimes i dont care. i live in chicago and have never been invited to a chicago deucers get-together. i almost always mention on here when i am heading to the paign and no one ever invites me to get together.

I wish I would have known about the lunch, I would have went
Why was it so secretive?

Yeah, that sucks

Whether I get a cherry in my cherry Diet Coke

seems to depend on whether it's a dude or chick taking the order. If it's a dude, chances are he remembers it. If it's a chick, I can be pretty sure I'm gettin' skunked.

do flourescent lights burn cool?

I just got a pen caught in my office lighting fixture and I'm debating whether to call office services or not...
the plan was that I would flip it backhand from an upright seated position between the fixture and the ceiling (like a pole vault) and then lean back in my chair and catch it on the other side in one smooth, hyperawesome motion.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

my dog cornered some sort of snake just now

I think it was a bull snake. It looked a lot like this

my neighbor has cleaned out an over grown fence row and prolly forced it out of it home by his activity. It was crossing my yard to another fence row when my dog found it. She was as scared of it as it has of her. I after letting her prance around barking at it for a few minutes, I picked it up with my rake and took to it to the woods

Friday, July 27, 2007

paign water = $ i never buy bottled crap

unless it a road trip but its mostly gator ade then cause if i have to spend money on beverages im getting something other than water


i read the word beverages as "beaver rags" the first time i had to read aloud in grade school

true story

Thursday, July 26, 2007

while waiting

to come out of gymnastics, i heard a man yelling at his young daughter (4-ish). he wanted her to stop and she kept going. he yelled again, saying "oh hell no, your ass is mine now" and the girl stopped.

said she couldn't hear him, and he replied "you could hear me. and now you're gonna feel me."

i grabbed my phone, dialed 9-1...and waited, watching the man, expecting him to hit her. he did not.

heroes i respect....

bob hope abraham lincoln bono and probably god would be the 4th one

i think all of those pople helped the world in many ways

its beyond words

my brain is fried right now.

its been a hellish morning at work. i am sick and should never have came in. not that those are the reasons i used the wrong word, because we all know that i do it regularly. the point is, i just dont give a shit. you know what i meant.

*turns off phone, runs and hides*

The girl I have been seeing for 2 WEEKS just told me she loved me... YIKES!
I also found out tonight she's on antidepressants
I just checked my facebook, and she sent me a message saying all kinds of ... "stuff" about "a connection" and "the future"

I mean I know I'm just that charming and all that they can't resist but wow...

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Is this poison Ivy

I'm thinking no but want to be sure.

I am pretty certain I am going to wear a cape during my meeting.

I then have a series of presentations I will be doing this afternoon -- I may go full FIB man for those meetings.

I told my wife, she didn't seem to care too much.

I just got one of those messages this morning.

It was very disturbing actually, from an older lady, it was hard to make out the doctors name (not that I would've posted it anyway), but here it is.......

"Hey Dr. ________, Henry is bleeding pretty bad out of his rectum again. I need to take him somewhere soon, where should I go?"

Should I have called back?

Who knew a bird needed to be groomed?

Looking for pet stores.
Not sure how Fritz would get along with an Emu.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


This is officially one of the douchiest things I have ever seen here. And that's a WHOLE lotta douche. Stop being an ass.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Wizzo from the Bozo show

Lives in Hinsdale, but gets his Lexus serviced in Westmont.

I rented him a car once, but didn't know it was him. I said that it was probably a good thing I didn't know, otherwise I would have taked his credit card and went "Doodie, Doodie, Doodie" while I was swiping it.

Also rented cars in Westmont to Mark Burhle and Bo Jackson

you know what i wish?

i wish that people here weren't such assholes on purpose that they would assume i would be one too. because it helps to create a lot of the miscommunication that seems to plague me. and for the record, i have always admitted that i am poor at communicating my thoughts and feelings into the written word. it just irritates me that people assume automatically that i am being a pompous ass when really that isn't my point. and then when i realize that people are thinking like that and i try to clarify, a lot of people then assume i must be 'two-stepping'. i will admit when i am wrong and i always have here. i immediately replied to all people assuming that i was trying to insult hp by characterizing it as 'childish' with "that's not an insult". when rock quoted the dictionary reference that childish is indeed meant to be used as an insulting characterization, then i immediately reclassified it as 'childlike' (somehow that seems improper to me, but rock is the editor). so, what i am trying to say is this. yes, i am a pompous ass who believes that her beliefs are right. as i have said to you before, of course i do, otherwise why would i believe them? but, i usually am not trying to insult anyone here and when i do, i will freely admit it. so, please, stop taking everything i say from that perspective and maybe it would help my miscommunication issues somewhat (as i continue to work on them from my end). and, finally, it is really irritating to me when people jump on others here for opinions about frivolous things (things that are not really important, like your opinion of a movie or a game or a book). you have your opinion, i have mine, there is no right answer, imo.

man the one thing i hate about now through the first

frost is that i get the worst boogers.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

I will attack that bitch every opportunity

And I believe she owes me a huge apology for being such an asshole.
I hope she rots in hell

Friday, July 20, 2007

For the record, IBDA is one of the biggest

assholes I've ever been associated with in any way.

Some of the stuff she left on my daughters voicemail is just ridiculous.

I feel sorry for her

I admit a major mistake for providing her my daughters cell phone numbers. Seriously she needs to get a life

you're wrong. The fact that we had a boy after 2

girls was what made it the best day of my life.

And you two need to drop this whiny "girls are people too" carp

For the record, best days of my life:
1. Son was born
2. Bears won the Super Bowl
3. Got married
4. 1st daughter born
5. 2nd daughter born

Cubs World Series Win or Illini NC in hoops are just begging to make the list

I can put you in touch with my daughters and you can advise them how hurt/disgusted/empty that they SHOULD feel about that.

I think that their response would be something like "Wow, you're really whiny about that girls are people too stuff. Grow up"

Alsio this just in...

I would like top get a TF/BJ from that braod from american idol rwind. she has a nice rack of lamb. Despite she's prbably a bitch.

dear bropad....

I like your ""game you fit all of my needs alas you don't find appparently ol e' me al tat attractive. THat beubg saud I probably sould've screw the board I was talking two for hors it seems on end.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

So I'm walking back from getting my lunch

and this kobold goes *throws dart* and I'm all "whatever" *casts cone of cold* and the kobold is like *runs away* and I'm all "pwn3d"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

And you question my posting because....?

Is this a classroom, where the diction must be completely formal, intellectual, and respectful...or this the internet where there are millions upon millions of websites that do anything even remotely thought-provoking?

No? Didn't think so. So...go away and get off your miniscule high-horse.

.........poop ..........

*Scanner update*

i finally got the (*#&$(*&%$ piece of shiite to work

and it appears there's a new image in my My Pictures folder....

hang in there, kids!

poo poll

do i scan and post in the poop thread the snapshot of the biggest (human) turd I've ever seen, captured in the early 80s on second floor Taft?

i now have a scanner that i can hook up and actually know how to use it. the picture is in a sealed envelope in my desk drawer. i'm just a tad lazy. but i think Jackie and IBDA might really enjoy it....

I Love Kids.....all colors, sizes, etc.....

.....and I love parents who take care of them no matter how many they have. Having worked with the progeny of broken families for many years it is always refreshing to see people who enjoy and value their children.


btw, remember that conversation wherein my wife indicated that i would prefer her to dress "hoochie"?

well, as she was driving me in this morning (thank GOODNESS! i pick up our van today) she suggested that for halloween i be a cop and she could be a hooker.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


You just got to push me, don't you? You just can't leave things alone. Maybe it isn't me that needs to grow up!

So eff you, and everyone else who loves to laugh at me. I hope you all die!

I still wish that bullet would have found it's mark and struck you behind the temple you worthless piece of sh*t

Monday, July 16, 2007

Quidditch may be the world's most popular wizard sport...

... but the U.S. has better home-grown games.

so I went to a Kareoke bar Saturday night with some friends

I figured I'd be kind of annoyed. best time I have had out in a long time. laughed my butt off at a bunch of friends singing, some good some bad. I even got up and sang some Kung Fu Fighting.....after several Crown and Cokes.

Did you know karakoe means "empty orchestra"

How possible is it to break a toe from stubbing it on a

cement step while wearing sandals?
How would one know if said toe was broken?
It'd be a lot of money thrown away if I really can't run and bike. Plus, I'm not convinced it's broken.

Even if Kelly Clarkson got really fat and ugly...

I'd still want to do her, and I'm not exactly sure why.

she seems like a really sweet girl, and that scores lots of points in my book. Now, maybe the whole "small town, sweet girl" thing is an act, but I doubt it.

BTW, I just assume she's from a small town. I never paid enough attention to know for sure.

My indian (dot) friend was almost named latihs (backwards)

Luckily, mom won out over dad in the naming of the child.

Friday, July 13, 2007

I went on a Match date once with a girl who was "petite and trim."

She was 4' 10" and petite from the waist up. From the waist down she was ginormous.

Kind of like a pear-shaped midget.

She grabbed my arm at the end of our date with her pudgy little midget hands and asked me, "Do you want something serious? Or do you just want to play around."

"Uh, I'm just looking to make friends."

*ninja smoke*

Last Match date.

Confession: I really don't deserve to drive.

Last night was my 5th ticket in the past 27 months.

The cop told me that if I show up to court... he will ask the prosecutor to dismiss it.

It looks like this one will remain off my record too.

I am a danger on the roads.

Solution: Bubbles

I've never once seen a child not stop and be amazed when bubbles are blown. Even the most un-rulely child will be mazeraized (sp) by them.

And you don't need to worry about the 3oz thing, there are small containers that they give away at weddings that hold just enough liquid to do the trick.

I once say a lady do that in the waiting area when there was a mother with 5 really poorly behaving children. The whole area was thankful for her quick thinking. And ever since then, I've kept some in my desk draw at work and with my carry-on toilettries (again, sp).

Works everytime.

All of you are heartless....

Trust me as someone who has flown with his toddler. I am adverse to drugging my child for the sake of drugging my child. If the child was simply sitting there and saying goodbye plane, and from the article that is all that was going on. He was not screaming, he was not kicking the seats, he was simply saying goodbye plane....

You are all selfish bastards. I can turn it around on you and say that she has every right to be on the plane and should not be required to drug her child to please you. Get over it and accept it as a necessary evil of PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

what if i were to tell you

jessica biel was coming over to give you a handy?

how about that, melt-downers!

now eating 5 Guys

Life is good

Are midgets unfairly portrayed on tv/movies.

Yes, the list haunts me... Webster, Tatoo, Arnold Jackson, Mini-me and this is the top of the list. We see these mini-people as comedians. Haha. They are supposed to make us laugh. So what's with that?

When are we going to get the Great Midget Hero. I don't count Yoda, he isn't even really a human. That's as close as it gets. Even the adult movie industry has made a mockery of these people.

What is most disturbing is that nobody even wants to talk about it. Have we sunk so low?

Well I won't be quiet about it anymore. I for one believe that the midgets and bearded ladies of the world have been surpressed for too long. Ok, I feel better now.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


If I was in charge of the world, every stadium would have troughs (rather than urinals) in the men's bathroom. I don't understand the objection. It's far, far faster. And isn't that the no. 1 priority?

Admission: I have no memory when it comes to cars.

I have been driving my van for 4-5 years, and my wife has had her car for about the same time. But, I have no idea what year either one of them is. In fact, I don't even know what kind of car my wife drives.

If I had to guess, both are somewhere between 1998 and 2001 because I know we bought them used. I guess it's just not something that I care enough about to log into my memory bank.

Current Female Fashion Trends I Don't Get

1. Maternity tops/dresses for non-pregnate women. WTF? Is having a potbelly now considered sexy for chicks not in a fambly way? Let me donate a clue: Yes, that shirt/dress does make you look fat.

2. Leggings. It's effing July, in Atlanta. If you're cold, go to the effing doctor. Something's wrong with you.

3. High-waisted jeans. Yeah, jeans that flatten and broaden your ssa are sexy. Really sexy. So sexy that people outside of West Virginia call them mom jeans.

Another one: Those big ass sunglasses that resemble the ones your parents got for you at Disneyworld. I get it, honey, you're a butterface and the glasses do a good job of hiding your hideous grill.

Had one of these last night

I love cherries.

I buy the 2 lb. bags of bing cherries and bring about 10 of them into work every day as an afternoon snack. YUM.

Kinda messy though.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I have a simple dream.

Go to Costco, get giant comical sized bottles of various boozes (these things are huge for those that do not know). On a special occasion, new years, my birthday, whatever, hire a midget bartender to dispense booze from said oversized bottles.

Watching him/her struggle with the giant bottles while I'm getting drunk has to be the funniest thing ever. I hope to make it happen one day. I will make it happen.

so i'm getting a siamese kitten...

any suggestions for a new cat owner?

i went to the pound last week.. to get a cat.. saw a Siamese and fell in love with it. it was already adopted though

going to raise a kitten. friend is getting one from chicago and bringing it down. i love their coats and eyes.

I got a wink on Match...

...from a 'MillerGal". M'thinks we have something in common.

Shame she couldn't be more cute.

How non-cute is she? Non-cute enough.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

i'm addicted to Warcraft...

just did a huge raid. MASSIVE exp points gained. I am a lvl 42 now...

this south korean clan picked me up on the plains, getting attacked by 3 horde.. they protected me and then let me roll with them..

they also gave me food for my pet

Saturday, July 7, 2007

So a very good looking girl blatantly threw herself at me last night

And I had to turn her down. She was simply too drunk. We were at the bar around 11 and this girl comes up and tries to talk to me and my friend but is completely incoherent. We're pretty buzzed, maybe on the low side of drunk, but it's pretty evident this girl is completely plastered. So I guess she decided that since we couldn't understand her that she should try and sit on both me and my friend's laps, puts her arm around us, starts kissing us on the neck, grinding up on our laps, etc. while we try and push her off and redirect her to her concerned friend. Ended up watching her as her friend called another friend to pick them both up. Very attractive girl, very much too drunk, and our morality prevailed.

To give you an indication of how drunk this girl was. Even if I had asked her what her phone number is, she had a 0% chance of getting anything out of her mouth I actually understood. She was talking to us while throwing herself at us and not only could she not complete a sentence, but she couldn't even utter a word of recognizable english. The way she asked us to buy her more drinks was by pointing at our drinks and then pointing at herself. We said no and then when the bartender came over to get her order he immediately cut her off.

She was wobbly and needed to hold onto things to stay up straight. If I had been a little more drunk, and therefore less perceptive to her drunkeness, it would have been another story, but at our drunk level, it was obvious this girl needed to go home- by herself- and have a nice little date with her toilet for awhile.

Friday, July 6, 2007

The opinions stated are just mine. You don't like them...FORM YOUR OWN!!!!

Let's face it...I suck at this. I'll never work in baseball because I'll never get the opportunity.

If I can't find a menial labor job...what in the hell makes me think I'll ever work in a professional sport?

This is just a stupid pipe dream...and it isn't even appreciated by the likes you why even f*n continue this crap?

it's always about you guys, huh. my my we think very highly of ourselves, don't we? Have you taken into consideration that I wasn't thrilled with my damn article so I decided to cancel it out? uh...ever think of that?!

That's the problem with a lot of people here...which makes me think that maybe...just maybe...if you want to read my have to read the more sneak previews're being a dick're an ass then...that better?

well I don't have a hell of a lot going for me. so 'ol "Gloom and Doom" is back....Deal with it!

I have no idea what my BAC level is right now but

it's 4:20 a.m., I'm finishing off a Bud Light, watching a Sox game on Comcast, listening to Who's Next and I just handed my car keys to my cat.

Oh my...I think that I'll get about 8 minutes of sleep before I hear the sweet sound of clanging of pots and pans. Oh shit, I hear birds. Good night.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

OMFG YUM111111111

one of the guys brought in a watermelon....

sooo good soooo cooooooool...

i'm officially all sticky

there a seeds on my desk


I just can't get over the crap kids get away with these days compared to my youth.
If one of my uncles called me a smartass, in a serious tone, I'm sure it would have been because I had been disrespectful, and my Dad would have made it very clear to me that that won't fly.
Even for a girl. My 13 y.o. daughter is a real smartass, at least to me.
Fortunately she hasn't taken her attitude towards any of her aunts or uncles, but the first time she does, will be the last.
If one of my nieces or nephews copped an attitude with me I wouldn't hesitate to tell them they were a smartass. If my brother called me out on it (whether his wife put him up to it or not), I'd tell him his kid is a brat and to go pound sand.

Peter Frampton was in my local coffee shop this morning

Personally, I couldn't pick Peter Frampton out of a lineup, but the barista told me it was Peter Frampton.
I thought he was dead.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

dear drunk bartender I know...

next time don't be so damn condeseding to me next time I apologize for over tipping you. Yes I think you are "attractive". However, expect to to get no tip because A.) I follow the law of averages and B. I will not tip you merely you were so dismissive about me tipping over my level you were because borderline asshat level for a girl tp me and I can put up alot for for an asshat broad if she's "cute". Especially since I've came into that that establishment 100xs of times.

I'm gonna slip your bartender and cuter and much morer nicer friend an extra 10 spot because you were such dick

Eff you beotch!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

My god, are Jay's Hot Stuff chips hot.

I could heat a hot pepper to cool off my mouth! I cannot believe they are that hot.
I've never had off-the-shelf product with this much bite. I've never tasted as hot of chip ever!


Actually, it's a silly question, but I'm serious in my desire to know the answer. It kept me up for awhile last night.

RE: those voice box thingies that people who've had tracheotomies use to talk - what would happen if someone without a tracheotomy were to use one while talking? Would it be like a megaphone, making the speaker's voice really loud, or would it sound the same?

I have no idea how they work but suspect that they amplify some sort of vibration in the throat that occurs with or without the use of voice, and therefore it would sound the same, except with the speaker's voice being audible as well.


Monday, July 2, 2007

what gift would you get your boss for his bday?

I was thinking a nice bottle of J Walker

I have a weird neighbor girl who comes over

and swings on our swingset for hours(literally) at a time. She used to use another neighbor's swing, but it wasn't as sturdy and it eventually broke from her use of it(she's not a small girl).

Here is an exchange between me and my wife yesterday

Mrs. "What's that noise?"

Me "It's freakin Mary out on the swingset!"

Mrs. "It's dark"

Me "No shit!"

Got mugged tonight...

luckily the guy only got 20 bucks. Note to the city of chicago please get the washington st. station fixed soon.