Friday, December 28, 2012

fine...this is valid....and while im still on vacation and have a few toilet minutes let me tell you

a story

a few weeks ago i met one of my best friends boss...he is a warehouse manager...we met for beers and i cant remember if he had more teeth or hair...yet we had a couple laughs and in about 20 minutes and after him showing genuine interest in where i live i learned that one of my neighbors had a handicapped son and this guy helped install a ramp in their of charge...they supplied the wood and he did the project...even took a vacation day as the job was bigger than expected...we decided on a venue change and had to swing by his place for a beer while he let out his dogs....i popped in with him and learned he is a foster home...something he learned from the stepdaughter he took cared for when she had to leave her dog when she joined the armed forces...i saw the one larger black lab never left his hip....he was blind and the one dog he chose to adopt and he is that dogs world

these are just a couple stories i learned about this dude in a couple of hours on a weekday

these are the people he feels he is superior to

when the initial comment was made by him i waited for a retract.....ive never piled on but i have questioned him on many occaision...i know he likes or maybe needs to speak in hyperbole or just likes to make outlandish statements....but he stuck to this one

asked a handful of times he stuck to it....even later dropping some kind of clarification about just having a degree from the u of i automatically puts people like 25% better than the population....prolly not and exact quote but close enough

aside from the fact that living in champaign i can say with 100% certainty that there are so so many folks with a dgree from here are just horrible people....the automatic judgement and belief of being superior to so many fantastic people sight unseen is disgusting to me

now when i log off this board i carry on with my life.....but this stuck with me


during the time of asking follow up questions through the years....i know nothing of substance of the man

sure i know that he is a chameleon....move to sf be all the things sf....move to seattle becomes all the things the olypimcs...become all the things curling....catch a soccer match and become all the things sounders....catch kyfall and now daniel craig is his style idol...etc

i cant recall anecdotes or childhood stories or really anything shared of substance through the years...

he is yelp....he is internet comments....i see spikeball...i play spikeball....i see finally 100 people wearing a skinnier tie...i wear a skinnier tie

i cant wrap my brain around it....but its an odd combo of self loathing and self absorbtion....but overall just empty

but i dont hate the guy i dont really like the guy i dont feel sadness i dont feel pity....i dont "feel" anything....and thats what my issue is

so congrats.  comments like "after being a bachelor for 48 hours im bored to tears" and you views on marriage and cohabing being basically roommates finally make sense to me

so i wont ask follow up questions....ill even stop with a jabs but you wanted an answer and you now have it

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Would you screw a goat

if it guaranteed a national title (hoops or football)? 2 of my Purdue buddies said they would (for Purdue that is)

Friday, October 19, 2012

It was cold as #### and I was depressed and gassy. I ripped one off and she finally woke up and got her sorry ass out of bed. She offered to make breakfast, but I told her I'd rather have a Pabst and a Marlboro red. She started crying and got that shitty sniffly thing going that always bugged the shit of me, so I told her I was sorry and pity ####ed her. She fell asleep again until I turned on some KISS really loud and woke her up. She stormed out and I never saw her again. I still think of that b###h every time I hear Detroit Rock City...####ing shinobi..

Thursday, October 18, 2012

have you ever made a silly putty stache?

everything was going great until I saw the enormous wizard sleeve.

lets just say nien nunb is her copilot

Looks like someone started butterflying a pork chop but the phone rang and it was Claire (and you know how you can never get Claire off the phone in less than 15 minutes)...the time just flew and the pork chop was all forgotten.

its like someone put a black cat in a hot pocket i had a brief moment where i wanted to head to sesame street and see if snuffy was OK

They come in all shapes and sizes. Some look like an open faced roast beef sandwich and some look like a shaved baby.

if you take her for a ride in the car and put the windows down...

her canoe has a big fat dude in a trench coat at the helm

cause when its time to hit the throws of passion

and you are either down or not....its unfortunate and most guys will suit up but it must be tough goin

and shes all

nope....sometimes you just bring a girl home and its all....predator face
just happens
you just deal

going down on her would be like taking a photograph in the 1800s

Friday, August 31, 2012

i feel like asking a girl to swallow is complete disrespect

that stuff is basically the equivalent to a big sneeze coming out of a different area of the body. some girls like to be shot on which is ok, but id never want a girl to swallow that.

its up to you, but its like girls who like to be (lightly) choked or spanked. ive never been completely comfortable doing either of that, but i understand how it enhances the experience for them.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Four score and minus seventy years ago

our athletic director brought forth on this campus a new team, conceived in fecklessness, and dedicated to the proposition that DJ Richardson must move.

Now we are engaged in a great battle, testing whether that team, or any team, so conceived and so dedicated, can beat Penn State. We are met on our shitty, outdated stadium with no air conditioning of that battle. We have come to dedicate a portion of that stadium, as a final resting place for those who here gave 23 seconds of random running around and pants-shitting so that that Sam Maniscalco might chuck a 27 footer as the shot clock expires. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this stadium. The brave players, active and alum, who struggled, I mean SERIOUSLY STRUGGLED, here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The east coast-dominated media will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so half-assedly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these 3 stars we take increased devotion to that cause for which they drunkenly drove around campus without permit or license —that we here highly resolve that these athletes shall not have scored 38 points against Iowa in vain —that this team, under Groce, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that basketball with joy, aggression, and dunking, shall not perish from this conference.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Cleaning my office, I found my notes from the TV Show Draft...

I guess I didn't note all of the picks, looks like I just made a note when someone drafted something on my list,but this is what I had.

Let me know if you remember any of the picks I don't have
The categories seemed to have been:
- Standard Comedy
- Comedy - Other (Unconventional ?!)
- Drama - Cop/Law/Detective
- Drama - Other
- Sci-Fi
- Cartoon
- Game Show
- Variety

Arrested Development
Battlestar Galactica
South Park
Ed Sullivan Show

All In the Family
Law and Order
Star Trek
The Flintstones
The Tonight Show

The Office
The Shield
The Simpsons
Beat the Geeks

Larry Sanders Show
The Wire
West Wing
The Price is Right
Mr Show

Monday, August 13, 2012

How many of the following have you hired to work for you

Only condition is that you had hiring authority and they worked either for you or a report.

A. Blacks
B. Jews
C. Muslims
D. Catholics
E. Atheist
F. Obese
G. Retard
H. Skinhead
I. Purdue Grads
J. Illinois Grads

Just curious to see if I'm actually the leading Affirmative Action hirer here.

Are you one of those people that tunes into SD channels when the HD version is also available?

I actually do not like high def TV. I never watch high def, not even with sports. The old fashion looking sporting events make me nostalgic, therefore happy.

Sometimes I'll watch QVC in high def because they show the recipes on the side of the screen.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Another time in HS I was going about my business in a deserted bathroom, when a guy I knew walked in

He comes over, "Who's sitting here by themselves in teh stall" and jumps up and grabs the framing cross bar up high to pull himself over for a look.

I'm standing up and trying to pull down my shirt to cover things up. Luckily for me the lock on the stall gives way when he's trying to climb up using his feet. It slams in on my, knocks me back down on my butt onto the toilet seat, he falls off, door bounces back shut. That gave me time to get my pants on, and he was very apologetic when I came out.

i thought i was caught at work once

i had a summer job basically shredding dead files in an office building

just me and the radio and the shredder...the shitty kind too where i had to take out every.staple.

but it was pretty quiet down there and no one ever used the bathroom

they had one young employee....beth...totall hammer and she had that one outfit in the rotation that stopped clocks

so one afternoon i snuck off and finished one off in the basement bathroom

seriously about 15 minutes later the janitor/utility man came in my shredding station and just said

so...didya you oil the blade?

all the blood shot straight from my face to my feet and back again as i just shot out a "NO!...what?!!"

he then explained that oiling the blade in the shredder would make my job much easier but given my stance he mustve thought it wasnt worth helpin me out and just gave me the shrug off and left

So in high school we had a group of band nerds that'd hang out

One of the underclassman always looked up to me and this other guy. At the end of the hoops year we were playing against rival Boylan. And the thought always was our cheerleaders were better and their's were dogs. So this guy Mike we convinced to get dog bones that we'd slide at teh cheerleaders when they came out. Now here's where things really get off the rails. We didn't get there early so we sat in the nose bleeds. And then Mike shows us what he brought, he got like a huge 2 foot rawhide. So anyhow as the game was winding down he hasn't pulled this prank yet. I look at him and say "if you don't do it now, you'll have that bone and look at it every day for the rest of your life and think 'I was such a loser'". Well next thing i know Mike whips out this bone and launches it. It bounces off the floor and hits someone in the stands square in the chest. We take off, they pull out the wrong suspect. The following week Mike confessed.

random anti-chicken soup story

When I was in grade school, a lot of the cool kids (boys and girls) had friendship bracelets handmade by the cool girls. Nobody ever made one for me. I had a sad. Then one summer my mom signed me up for a class at the local community college where we learned Latin roots to increase our vocabulary (this was probably my idea). There was a girl there named Aleca from another school and I was instantly smitten. She was so cool - like alternative and funky (for the time and age). AND SHE LIKED ME. AND SHE MADE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET. I never took it off that entire summer. Slept with it, bathed with it. Entire civilizations of microorganisms developed, ascended, and collapsed on the underside. When I showed up for school the next year GLOWING with pride, one of the cool girls (Cara C.) asked me where I got it, and I told my story, and she said "yeah right, your mom probably bought it" in front of all the other cool girls, and they all laughed. I never wore it again.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

a coworker just came up to me and said

"every once in a while I think of that funny thing you said at our conference and it makes me laugh"

no idea what she's talking about. totally a socially awkward penguin moment.

and yes.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

hey, the truth hurts around here.....

The "real" good people are forced off because of the crap. Trust me, i know alot of people are thanking me right now for saying this. You can take shots at me all you want because that all this board can really do. So many people get blackballed on here because they didn't "fit" in.

maybe one day when people actually wake up, they will see that this isn't what it's all cracked up to be.

see, this is such a nazi board....

everyone falls in line with hating me. everyone on here is so far up each others ass it's not funny. Thank got we have some actual illini board that has common sense. BTW, i'm not the only one that thinks this board sucks. You should hear some of the thoughts of other people. Some people dont even recongnize this place as a real board because everyone has to be some renegade on here. it's like a country club with losers. A bunch of uptight snobs that doesn't even know what reality is. They wouldn't know even if it bit them on the ass. A bunch of no class jackasses on here that uses 5th grade terms to communicate.

I can't entirely explain it. I just do.

People bringing their kids to work and parading them around is top 10 least favorites things on the planet for me. I know this makes me a dick.. I think they are dirty, annoying, and a huge bother that I don't care to be associated with. Everything about them sucks.

I love this response the best. *pukes in mouth a little*

I'm generally sad for you. Because looking in your kids eyes for the first time, or watching them learn to walk, or learn to read, or any of a number of things is truly awe inspiring. Not a day goes by that I don't think, man if I didn't have my kids Mrs. D and I could take a trip to Hawaii. But then I come home, Josh runs up to me saying "I yuv yu dadeee" and all of the world's problems go away, even if it is for just an instant.

With all due respect, haven't you endured a tremendous amount of stress and trauma due to your child's health issues? I'm not saying you'd take anything back, but at least have a little perspective on how difficult it must be to go through that.

I view kids as a burden that people take on that prevents them from fullfilling their potential as humans. Of course, others would argue the whole point of human existence is to procreate. My dislike for kids actualy escalates as more and more of my friends become absolutely useless to me because they become parents.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Kissing a girl. chicks, have you?

Yes. Just once. Kissing with a tiny bit extra. Had I not been drunk and high on top of that it would have not happened. She came onto me and I gave in. Interesting experience but not as good as kissing a guy (IMO). I like the control and dominance a guy just has naturally.

Howevs, it was pretty hot. Woman are beautiful and i can appreciate, But it's just not my cup of tea. I love sinep.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Embarassing. I have this weird habit of playing with scotch tape all day at work

Maybe because I'm on the phone so much it gives me something to do, but I roll it up and play with a single piece of tape for up to an hour.

Sometimes, when I have to type, I will stick it on my desk, a pad of paper or sometimes even on my person.

My boss just had a 5 minute conversation with me and then asked why I had a piece of scotch tape in the middle of my forehead.

Oof. I need a vaca.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Morning after pill etiquette

Do you have to hang out with a chick both nights of the Hormone roller coaster?

Is one night good enough to limit the bad karma?

Hung out 3 times. Slept together all 3 of them.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Just sharted at Walmart

not good

actually, not a shart but a variation on a theme: trundled quickly into Walmart's RRs up front, occupied. Figured u could make it to the rear (and always superior) thrones next to Layaway. Lots of starts/stops while Charlie chaplaining it. At jeans, bit down hard on the sphincter but the runaway train was too much. Painted a stripe.

In other news , maroon wife beaters on sale

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Trivial happiness

when you pee in the morning, and it splits into two streams, and then you remember that you had xes the night before.

when you do it and then fall asleep, whatever didn't come all the way out dries up in your pee hole area, and then when you pee it take awhile for your peestream to force the hole alls the way open, so your stream is crazy for a a few seconds.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Got slapped by an old man today

Over my tie knot (four in hand). Apparently I need to learn the windsor. Getting dressed is hard.

Question for the cat owners

When you clean the litter box, does the cat run in the room and stare at you? I feel like she's saying "Yeah, that's right you asshole.....clean my poop!"

Sunday, June 24, 2012

i've had a ####ing bat roost erected for 2 years, and not one single bat has chosen to reside

screw you, you Stevie Wonder, feathered, winged, bipedal, endothermic egg-laying, vertebrates. I've got plenty of mosquitoes, but you are hosing yourself by not living here. Good luck getting dinner. Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays, ####ers.

Friday, June 15, 2012

stupid move of the day

Texting Isher about Curtis orchard and whether or not they have cider donuts. Isher sends a funny reply so I decide to forward it to the wife.

I accidentally chose her work number. No one is there, so Sprint does a text to voice thing where it reads the text onto a VM. So the first person in on Monday will play this message.


Monday, June 4, 2012

I've been thinking for a while about pulling all my old childhood stories into one place

I figure they might make for an interesting addition to my future grandkid's 5th grade geneaology project. Anyway, it's mostly for my own entertainment, but, if you are interested, here is a link:

Thursday, May 31, 2012

A lot of my wife's family worked at a Cargill plant in havana, ill

They brought home some good stuff for the holidays. My brother in law said they have very sharp knives. Mrs sister's husband is a supervisor there. Hates mexican rap music in the parking lot.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Sitting next to Alaska Air CEO

No idea how to chat him up.

Flight crew is fawning over him, combined with Google search. Overheard part of a conversation, asked the flight attendant.

Not in first class, and just thought he would be an interesting person. CEO flew coach, I think it sends a bad message if he doesn't.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

just completed an epic breakup

this girl was the love of my life... but it got to a point tonight where i came to a cross roads, and i know i took the right path. the lines i was dropping... like a movie script. really weird feeling now.

this girl legitimately had mental issues. which in a way i was attracted towards. but it did kind of diminish the exhilaration of my break up speech... because she was trying to cut herself and obviously i couldnt let that happen.

the cutting started on sunday, taking the biggest knife she could find and locking herself in the bathroom. i broke in and she sliced her leg on the inside of the shin about 5 times. did it again monday, and tried to last night. it was just bizarre.

i am concerned for her, but i think mostly it was an attempt to make me feel guilty and apologize for calling her out on her dishonesty. and for anyone out there, i was doing everything i could to de-stress this girl.

its funny because my night with riff raff chick was precipitated by love of life getting with some other guy. yes... i ended up paying for it. $400 at planned parenthood. she was allegedly going to pay me back... but she was never big on living up to her word.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Getting tired of the "I'd sleep with them!" excuse for these awful lists

*Of course* I'd sleep with them. Shorn from morality, marriage, the fears of pregnancy and disease, and blessed with better looks, I'd sleep with 85% of the women at most bars on Friday or Saturday night. If Maxim were going to run a "The IB Would Sleep With List" the thing would look like the f'ing Thomas Register, and there'd be some awfully gamey selections towards the end of that book. I know they can't put out a list consisting of "that MILF who sat in front of you at the theater" and "the one chick they showed three or four times during the Alabama/Auburn game last year." But come on, some of these women are 7s. Are there really only 26 or so 10s in America? We can do better! We must do better.

Friday, May 11, 2012

it doesnt need to be rehashed...

but the bottom line is im taller, im stronger, im smarter... its just not a good matchup for any dog.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

you know what #### it...

you and that ####ing taint nugget of a human can have this place.

ban me and the IP please.


I think the personal attacks are getting out of control here.

It really needs to stop and is making the board unreadable

Because it might get buried below

Unwarranted and unsolicitated recommendation for us to get family therapy made me realize that I'm spinning my wheels here and not getting quite the ROI as I used to think I was getting back in the day. Overall, it's been a waste of my time since 2000. I don't even want to know the number of hours spent here because if I knew, I'll probably cry.

Might look to return someday.

or later tonight.


The ish is full of pussies.... Really do you warp your kids in a damn bubble? Do you let them play outside? I saw that some would let them play pick up foot ball or kill the man, but organized football was out. Really? I can tell you from personal experience I had more injuries playing football in the back yard. I feel so out of place on this board....

Eff you, Kirk Cameron

This particular banana did not have an easy pull tab. Instead, when I tried to open it, some of the banana goo squirted out the banana seams and onto my pants. Atheist's nightmare, indeed.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

gross warning

our friend's daschund always eats tampons out of the trash. imagine pooping those out. occasionally they don't come out on their own, and have to be pulled by the string. i told you it was gross.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

so I taped the following note to my neighbors door quite early this morning:

April 7, 2012
About 1 am.

Dear Neighbors,

Since you didn't answer the door that you were obviously whispering to each other behind I guess I’ll have to resort to a stupid passive-aggressive letter to try and get my point across.

In short, I’ve been woken up a couple dozen times in the last few months by you guys. I have no idea what you’re fighting about, although I’m pretty sure I’ve been awoken to the phrase “acting like a child” at least a couple times. The good news for you is that evidently it takes being woken up several times in a single night, and what sounded like you hammering on my damn wall, for me to feel compelled to knock on your door.

Still, maybe you guys could try and pump the breaks on the fights a bit, eh? If you could reduce them by, about 50%... or at least cut out the tossing of things across your apartment and slamming into the wall, that would be awesome.

I realize you two probably enjoy fighting way too much stop altogether, but maybe consider, in the future, one or all of the following:

- Scheduling your multi-times-per-week arguments for daylight hours. If it’s 2PM in the afternoon you can blast Metallica, shout at each other at the top of your lungs, and bang on pots and pans for all I care. Maybe you can actually do this just in an attempt to piss off your totally unreasonable douchebag of a next door neighbor who doesn’t like his common bedroom wall being pounded on at midnight… maybe as a result you’ll bond and fight each other less? fine by me.
- Going outside to fight, the weather is actually quite nice now, and in a few weeks there will be a nice fountain next to the Tree of Five Seasons you can shout at each other next to.
- Learning Sign Language.
- Channeling your anger into one of the many visual arts.

I’m sure you can think of more. At any rate, I would really appreciate it if there could be some solution that allows you to do whatever the hell you want, and allows me a few more nights when I’m not jolted awake by your domestic issues.

(The guy you don’t know and now probably don’t like in Apartment 2008)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Interesting conversation while doing the urinals in BWs

Stepped in front of a guy accidently, while in the bathroom at BWs. He said go ahead when he saw my chief t-shirt. Noticed he had an Illini hat on. He said his brother played OL for the illini and a lot of the players liked Zook. Asked him about the Beckman hire. Said a lot of the players are confused about the situation. Apologized about stepping in front of him. Nice kid.

am I the only one

who likes the feeling of having to go poop?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I was in the bathroom earlier, standing at a urinal and I thought to myself

If I were gay I would spend a lot of time in here peeking over the edges, looking at dicks.

I was just thinking how much I like looking at boobs and I don't have free access to viewing a ton of them, so I figured if dicks were my thing I would take advantage of the situation.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

My nephew just got his GED

The girl he married encouraged him to get it. They have a couple kids, but he is enrolling at JC college so he can go to a technical school. Only seemed like yesterday he was fighting kids in HS, because his dad was from the Dominican Repubublic. Never like the crackers in HS. Thumbs up for Diego!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The first time I saw a mans penis was at a ponderosa.

Some random dude just threw it at her. At the table


A move beyond moves

At the time I had no clue. Just heard an argument

Lady was screaming. HARD at the guy. About this and that. Once he got loud I turned to see what up. You know just in case he was getting out of hand

But oh no.

He WAs IN hand! Waving it



Wednesday, January 4, 2012

When I was a kid, there weren’t a lot of other kids that lived around me to play with

I lived on the wrong side of the tracks for that. It wasn’t really the “bad” side of the tracks; just more like the “old people with no kids” side. There was a total of 8 kids on my side of tracks, and 6 of them were in my family.

There were, though, a couple of kids that I was friends with who lived out on the highway. One summer, one of these buddies had a cousin stay with him for a few weeks. It was nice to have someone new to hang with and to call a friend. He was from a place that I had never heard of called Decatur. He was kind of quiet, but he liked to play baseball, and that was nice. He told us about cable television and a channel called Home Box Office where you could watch movies all the time. It all seemed a little far-fetched to me. I didn’t know it until later, but this kid’s family had all recently been killed in a house fire - his mom and dad, and his brothers and sisters. He was the only one who survived.

After his Philo vacation was over, he went back to live with relatives in Decatur. He gave me his phone number so we could keep in touch. A few times, I called him to see how he was doing.

My mom wasn’t happy about me having a friend in Decatur that I wanted to call on the phone. According to her, it was expensive to call there. Whenever she let me call him, she would set an egg timer out, with strict instructions not to be on the phone when the timer was up. That’s okay, though, we usually ran out of things to say before we ran out of sand.


Recently, I tried to do a google search of fatal Decatur house fires and his last name, but nothing came up. It would have been interesting to read about it after all these years. It could be that, even though his new home was in Decatur, that isn’t where the fire happened. I’m not sure. To this day, I can't see an egg timer without thinking of my month-long best friend Tim.