Tuesday, February 27, 2007

so mrs just called. you see, yesterday, i took her a gift.

a box of thin mint girl scout cookies - just for her. her very own box of cookies she would not have to share with the boys. obvi, i am not going to eat any, they are thin mints - no thanks. i also got a box of the carmel ones for the boys.

the cookies were purchased from one fo the partner's daughters; he brought them here in a bag last week while i was in chicago. on the box, he wrote, rather sloppily, "$6.00".

so mrs calls me, and says - in a tone similar to a junkie that has had a bit of smack, but hasn't quite had enough to have a full fix - "i wish you hadn't brought those girl scout cookies home. they are such a weakness!"

me: "did you eat them all already?"

mrs: "i want to know where the other boxes are. where are the other boxes!"

me: "what other boxes?"

mrs: "the other boxes! on the bag it says $18.00! there's now way two boxes cost $18.00! where are the others" (at this point, she was almost panting.)

me: "oh no. it says $6.00. there are no other boxes."

mrs: "oh". she was crushed.

note: i did purchase two additional boxes of shortbread cookies from a different partner's daughter and i have kept those in my desk for me. i think this is the first time i have successfully sort of lied to her. (it won't last)

Great, the new guy just gave me a hug...he doesn't

realize how close he was to getting decked.

he was laughing and put his arm around me for a second. He's very odd.

Friday, February 23, 2007

my favorite place to take an emergency road pmud

1. Casino / Large Hotel (full service)
you drop the car out front, no need to park, flip the keys to the valet and you’re usually less than 100 steps from a clean crapper.
you merge easily with the crowd, target is easy to find and you usually have multiple options. No bottlenecks, ever. This make Vegas the hands-down winner in "Best City to be Stuck in for an Emergency Dump?" I'll call Oscar.

2. Small Hotel
Can park in reservation area, and the johns just behind the front desk. But usually have to pass the bored front desk person who
wonders why you’re waddling. Clean options, but with the smaller hotels, it’s sometimes a single-load john with the locked door option. Never a favorite.
Best option here is Marriott Courtyard which only have three main layouts and johns are easy to find in each plan. Always teh multiple-stall option and not used much because 99% of people there go to their rooms to carp.

3. Staples, Office Depot/Max
Usually large, lots of options, clean. Easy parking options. Sometimes hard to locate and require asking-a-clerk time-wasting option.

4. Large Border’s/Barnes & Noble
Reliable, but you have to make sure you’re in a gigantic store. Bookstores tweak everyone’s Emergency Dump Valve , so the competition is sometimes fierce. The built-in coffee shops don’t help matters, folks

5. Large grocery store.
has to be a huge one, lest you wrassle the employee john in the back.

6. Newer public library
Hours are not always friendly. Newer ones are good options.

Horrible options

1. Any fast food place.
I said dump, not piss. The updated McD’s are sometimes an option because the new ones often have two stalls (and that’s not just when you do the knock and Hijack the ladies room to do the deed—and , Hell, who hasn’t done THAT a few times? )

2. The Waffle House

3. Any gas station.

"In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

wow. i really should not have played truth or dare tonight.

i am dumb.

eh, it was drunken truth or dare. things got interesting.

licking of the toilet seat.
licking of the clogged shower drain.
licking under the leaking kitchen sink.
shot of pepper.
shot of ketchup.
make out with door handle.
streak outside.

to me, thats an interesting tuesday night.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

5:30 am... in a cab from South Beach back to our

hotel, one of my colleagues tries to roll his window down.


He starts shouting to the cab driver to either unlock the window or to stop.

Either the guy doesn't speak english or he just ignores him, because he doesn't even turn around. Or slow down.


My buddy pukes up a few gallons of wine, champaign, vodka and whatever was left of the lamb chops he ate earlier in the evening.

That got the cabbies attention though. He was a bit pissed off.

We gave him $200 for his trouble.

let me give you some real LAMS

LAM = I own a Yacht
LAM = I partied with "insert celeb here"
LAM = I did 3 chicks last night
LAM = I have a 100" Plasma

NOT LAM = I bought a PC
NOT LAM = I ran 5 miles
NOT LAM = I have a wolf tie
NOT LAM = I bought a dell jukebox

My breakfast...

so effing tasty!

So, let's go over what is ailing me:

Strep Throat. Taking penicillin for that over the next week.
Strained Neck. Taking some muscle relaxer for that.
Left knee hurts. New ailment as of this morning.
Stuffy right nose for the 5th straight day.
Hands feel dry, strained and overall raw.
Mouth still feels mucus-y and cotton-y at the same time, if possible.

I really hate kids who roll around on those roller shoes at the

grocery store. Next time one almost runs me over, I'm going to trip him and send him flying into the lobster tank. I'm a man of action I tell ya'!

Monday, February 19, 2007

this could only happen to me....

i mentioned a week or so ago about a girl at work that really liked me, well, it's over already. here is the story

This girl and i were getting along extremely well and things were progressing pretty fast. we would talk to each other on the phone alot and send text messages. She was sending some pretty strong signals in these messages to make me think that we were going to get together. She always wanted me to wait for when she got to work and go in with her. she would always sit next to me during our breaks. basically, she wanted to be everywhere i was at. matter of fact, we ended up on the same work line together because of this. well, On Friday something happened. she was acting differently. When we got off of work she sent me a message saying that she was sorry about different things and that she had some things on her mind.

The very next day at work she seemed to be even more distant towards me. She didn't even sit next to me during break (obviously i knew something was up) i asked if something was wrong and she said things were fine. That night she ended up leaving early at lunch and she did not say anything about it. When i got home i sent her a message to ask what happened and she never responded.

Finally she got back to me late in the afternoon and everything seemed to be fine when we talked. Yesterday, i sent her a message to see if she was going to work because she missed the day before because her wrist was hurting her, and she said she would get back to me because she was at the hospital getting her wrist looked at. This was early in the morning and she never got back to me and finally i left a voicemail for her around 4. about a half hour later i get a call from a friend of hers and a person we work with . He told me just out of the blue that she told him that she did not want me to talk to her again, i asked why and he said that she did not say why. I told him that i couldn't accept something like that without some sort of an explaination.

I told him to call her back and see what the deal was. well, as it turns out she and her"old man" are getting back together after being apart for 6 months. this is the same guy that she told me that she would never take back

once again, another disappointment in my life with women

Friday, February 16, 2007


TINA is being attacked.

It looks like my Websense internet filter is trying to block her, but is not quite succeeding. You can actually see the Websense logo creeping up from behind the TINA site in this picture. Or maybe Websense found that one strip of TINA particularly offensive, but that the rest was okay.

1.) Flipped my car 2 1/2 going roughly 80 on a country road

2.) As a kid, Nearly got swept in a away after our canoe capsized on a camping trip

3. New Years this year two parter.

Drank too much some one accidently woke me. Laying on my started puking felt paralyzed . Friends clean up a little take me to the shower. Then proceed to fall in the shower.

End result of shower fall.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I got a renob during my first jr. high slow dance.

and the girl told all her friends after the dance was over.

giving a speech in HS speech class, I went to

wipe my nose with the back of my hand and a booger with trailer (like a comet or sperm) stuck between my hand and my nostril.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Meh--he has a real-live boneable version at home

Well, except for the beauty queen part.

Blonde, hot(t), short, boobies... kcuf yeah. Eat it haters. :D

mother effer

the skating rink is closed tonight. any other ideas on short notice for fun things to do before dinner?

wow. this was a nice way to start the day:

Myspace Messae:

hey i am not trying to be an a**hole or anything. but can u quit talking to autumn cuz it seems lately that our relationship is going to hell because she keeps talking to you and were both very protective.

I'm going NOWHERE

not only is the majority of my car covered by a drift...but a snowplow just went by and completley blocked me from even getting in from the passenger side.

What should I write in my V-day card?

I'm not much of a card writer and my GF says I should write something in the card.

Rose are red
Horses say "neigh"
I'm looking forward
To a tf/bj

WTF?!?!?! The internet software at work is blocking blogspot...

or atleast my ability to log into a blog

"Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason: The Websense category "Sex" is filtered."

Looks like the end of TINA for me

what's sad is that I can see/read the blog... just not post to it

Monday, February 12, 2007

When I was a kid, my favorite jacket was

a bluejean jacket that was covered with iron-on patches of Freakies characters.

Just about every square inch of that jacket was covered with them. In addition to the iron-ons, I also had multiples of every magnet. The real prize, though, were the Freakies figurines. Those things were the best.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

A plumber just fell through the attic ceiling!

This is not a joke. The plumber was here working on the addition and was working on the vent attic apparently and all of a sudden there was a loud crash.

Un gnikcuf believable.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Ford Escape

A 22 old girl turned in front of my daughter Thursday night. The girl was driving a Ford Escape. My daughter was driving a Ford Escape. After a few hrs at the hospital, they released her with a few bumps and bruises. I just saw the pictures of the her vehicle, after she downloaded them to me. It must be a solid vehicle, after seeing the pictures. A few feet farther back on the drivers side, she would have been in trouble.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Just got an order for a couple of books ...

... from someone who enclosed a note saying, "This depends on my approval of the books. If I think the books are just a bunch of BS and don't have a winning system, you'll be getting them back and I'll expect a full refund. If I like the books, maybe I'll order some others."

We'll be returning his check, and saying we don't sell on an approval basis.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

My boss just gave me a very strange look

after he saw the cutout Robert Goulet mask taped to my wall.




7.5" UNCUT


I pulled a groin last night, and now, I feel like I have to puke.

Is that normal?

i heart camera phones

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

in college i was running back from the convienent store

and upon trying to leap a 3 step block, i sharted something fierce. running down my leg i hobbled back to my apartment complex and proceeded to use my socks and tshirt to clean up and dumped 100 percent of my clothes in the dumpster. id rather show up naked, than poopy

Why was I running? i was returning from the store with a much needed product

yes, i spent an serious amount of time with the tshirt, polo, and socks. upon my arrival, i told her i couldnt wait and just got naked in the hall. somehow she bought it. i told her i was insecure about my condom application and had to do it in the bathroom to check for addtional smears or dingles

worst part, was squatting in the parking lot of an apartment complex furiously wiping and looking around in the a 360 degree fasion as to not be noticed by an unruly mob coming home from the bars or something

i felt like a homeless crackhead

ok, here is a combo confession

with some humiliation

so i meet a girl and end up going back to her room, nothing happened except more excessive drinking and some making out....we fall asleep, or pass out

when i wake up, we are in classic spoon position, but are soaked from the waist down

i pop up and yell at her roomate..."what did you pour on us while we were sleeping!!!!"

then notice that i am drenched in the crotch region, and her in the butt region

yep, i peed on her

so i run out of there with my head hung low....leaving 4 dollars for laundry

i got arrested the following week, for stupid drunkin behavoir, including walking a "tightrope" and recreating the scene from the program where they lay on the yellow lines in the middle of the road....i run from the cops but end up in jail

anywho....to help pay for my fines, i have to get a job in the cafeteria, hair net, ove gloes, the whole shebang....replacing chow trays with some seriously gnarly coworker

one day i look up and see the roomate, she yells out to her friend accrss the dining hall, "isn't this the dude who pissed himself!?!?!"

and continued to berate me about not being able to control myself

i felt like hiding in my apron

instead, just said....yes

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.

In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out...But the worst thing I ever done -- I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa -- and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Dear manager,

Why don't you let me do the work I need to get done instead of insisting on me scheduling a million meetings that interfere with what I have to do and then getting your panties in a bunch because I haven't completed everything I need to get done!!! epiwssA!

Binge and Purge the soul:

I’m very depressed right now. Can’t sleep and just need to get these things out of my head and off my chest

.I’ve decided to give up the whole “weight loss kick”. I’ll continue just to eat less and if I lose it…fine. If I don’t…big deal. I don’t have the willpower to stick to working out (it just doesn’t happen quick enough for me. The only way I will truly lose weight that will satisfy is liposuction and I can’t really afford that at the moment...that or I could always pray to break my jaw and therefore have to go on a liquid diet). I am sick and tired of water and Coke Zero is starting to reach sucktitude (the aftertaste gets worse and worse). Instead it’s Lemonade and Tea for me (with sugar and not sugar substitute because the taste isn’t the same). I only did this weight loss kick because I thought it would help my self-esteem…well it hasn’t. As far as going to my 10 year H.S. reunion…screw it. I just don’t care anymore. I just figure life is too short to bust my ass for something that I know I’ll never achieve. And if I die of a massive coronary, so what…at least I died happy doing what I want.

Another reason is I thought it would help me with women. Hell…let’s be honest. Those that have seen me will attest to this…I couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse if I had $500. I mean…my mug could scare small children. So I guess it’s be celibate for the rest of my life because I don’t think I could be gay.

Another bit of truth here…the ‘Vette isn’t mine. Ron did buy it…but he’s fixing it up to sell. We actually came up with the idea of it being mine because we thought it would make people jealous and willing to offer up more $$$. Yeah…I’m pathetic.

So go ahead and ridicule me, everyone. I deserve it. But don’t worry…I won’t change much on the board. I won’t be mopey (except for this post…just need to purge).

Vday is costing me a grip

Vince Gill tickets (tues night)
Ice skating
Espresso gift cert
Garcias heart shaped pizza for lunch
New red shirt
Wine for home

this is NOT happening next year.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Crap...I'm out of beer

and don't feel like driving in the snow to get any more.

i just ate

a large cup of korean ramen, two peanut butter and honey sammiches and two diet code reds.

i can't move.

i'm going running tomorrow and weights.

i feel like a frog.

Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)

Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)
Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)