Sunday, January 19, 2014

I was so happy I would never have to think about dating again. She was "the one"

She had a lot of qualities I look for:

1. Likes a lot of the same music and going to concerts,
2. Likes sports. Didn't mind the 3 tv's I had then.
3. Loathes Republicans.
4. Godless.

I had laid the groundwork via PM on that board and when she and her boyfriend broke up I went in for the kill. Had seen some pics but from when she was thinner so when she finally flew out to visit I was surprised. I did my best to hide it, but I think she knew I liked thinner. That's where the cheerleader insecurity came from.

Leah Dunham. That's how the 1 year live-in was built. The one that asked me if she needed to lose weight. I thought I was being nice when I said "well you can can lose 20 just like I could" That's when the fight started... She eventually took up hula hooping and was bragging on the message board where I met her that she lost 90 pounds. She was even posting before and after pictures. I like to think I was her motivation.

I was so happy I would never have to think about dating again. She was "the one". We didn't last a month before we started having problems. She wanted to get laid EVERY night. It was great for three weeks or so. Then it started turning into work. She also liked going to bed early and wanted me to do the same. I wanted to stay up and watch tv.

Then after almost 2 months she got a job. We had plans to go to Summerfest to see Ratdog along with Railroad Earth and Donna the Buffalo. The new job meant she couldn't go. She was pissed that I went without her. There was no way in hell I was going to miss it just because she couldn't go. Then she snooped around on my computer and found a porn folder. We were then arguing via text message while I was trying to enjoy the show.

Jump forward to a year later after she had moved out, but I was still stuck with her. I felt bad because she had moved here for a failed relationship and didn't know anyone else. She would come down on weekends just to hang out. Very little FWB because it created too much drama. She did take me out to Geja's for my birthday. We were discussing the message board we were both still on. There was an active thread started by a guy who had been offering free boobie painting at Bonnaroo. She asked me if I had right clicked and saved any of them. If I said no I was a liar. If I admitted it I was a pervert. I was in a no win situation. I admitted to saving a few.

Friday, November 15, 2013

It was one of those cold as fuck days and like a dumb ass I was pissing on the neighbor's fence

Just as I was finishing, she came out in her stupid ass hello kitty pajamas bitching about god fucking knows what. She scared the shit out of me and I ended up pissing all over my jeans. They were the jeans she had bought me for my birthday when we had that party where she got stinking drunk, puked all over my bed and passed out on the toilet. I looked at her and said, it's gonna be one of those days ain't it sunshine. She just laughed and hit me in the nuts with a snowball that was packed with ice. It was one of the worst days of my life and one I'll never forget. Especially when the cold wind makes my balls hurt and I moan her name...fucking shinobi...

Friday, November 8, 2013

My Star Wars review

It was enjoyable. My favorite is R2D2. I love the BFF relationship between the gold man and R2D2. They may be droids, but they have feelings and they love eachother. I was a little confused by the entire thing so Tiki did a lot of stopping and explaining. I liked the ending. It was happy. Who knew Harrison Ford was in Star Wars?

I don't understand how Princess Leia's buns stayed so nice and perfect throughout the entire movie. That isn't possible.

Luke seems kind. I cried when Uncle Owen died :( I feel bad for Luke. Seems like he has kind of got the shaft. But then he has that whole FORCE thing so maybe he'll be OK after all.

Looking forward to watching #5 soon.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

every saturday morning, i take one of my girls out for breakfast

and then, on the way home, we swing by the Toyota dealership.

i drive in and aim the car toward the used lot. slowly drive right by the sales guys, with a little wave. they of course want me to stop but i don't. i just go up and down the rows, never getting out of the car. and they follow me in a golf cart.

sometimes they drive the other way, right at me and then slow down, expecting me to roll down my window and engage. but i just slow down a little and then they get close and i just keep going, with a little wave.

one of the guys is there solo sometimes. a total dickbag. last saturday, he finally cut in front of me and stood at my window.

my 14 yo was horrified. " Dad! He wants to talk to you! Roll down the window!"

" But I don't want to talk with him. It's a two-way street, toots."

pause... " Oh... OK"

so I hit the down button and cracked the window about half an inch. Then angled my face toward the window, pursing my lips to say " Yes?"


" Not sure. Just looking. I'll know it when I see it."


pursing, again ( 14 yo slumped in seat, staring at floor )
" Really? Are all the cars for sale over there, too?"

Then the guy just looks at me, all angry now. " BEAUTIFUL"

and gets back in his cart and drives back to his greeting station.

I'm going to continue to do this once a week for the rest of my life.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

My daily confession: Ever since my neck surgery I'm supposed to walk at least once a day.

So I was doing the around the neighborhood walk tonight when the sudden urge to float an air biscuit hit me. Now normally, I evaluate these carefully when in public, however given that I have been on vicodin non-stop for over a month, (p.s. not looking forward to withdrawal) I figured risk was minimal. Hell taking a crap these days is somewhat of an event to be celebrated.

So I'm at about the halfway point, no shortcuts, and decide to break this muhfudda off when to my horror, I discover it is not just a fart. No, it is the dreaded shart and I am over 1/2 mile from home. And to make things worse, it was a Category 2 shart. For those of you not familiar with the categories of sharting it is too much to get into at this point, but suffice it to say that you would grab your car keys and go home. Containment was breached; not Chernobyl level but more like Fukushima if that helps.

My friends, walking 1/2 mile through your neighborhood with a Category 2 containment breach, hoping against hope that none of the neighbors are in the yard and want to stop and say hello is a hellish experience, even for those of us who are used to crapping themselves (and some may say savor the experience in retrospect). Now, I'm sure you all will be happy to know that I made it home without incident, informed the spousal unit of the mishap and was given a grocery bag to dispose of the now contaminated garments. It is times like this that I am happy I installed a bidet, I must note.

Just thought you might like to know. Also, during this walk I was pondering why I hadn't drawn my 401k out and bet it on Cincy -7.5; some of the more degenerate of you may wish to take this as a sign.