Friday, August 31, 2012

i feel like asking a girl to swallow is complete disrespect

that stuff is basically the equivalent to a big sneeze coming out of a different area of the body. some girls like to be shot on which is ok, but id never want a girl to swallow that.

its up to you, but its like girls who like to be (lightly) choked or spanked. ive never been completely comfortable doing either of that, but i understand how it enhances the experience for them.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Four score and minus seventy years ago

our athletic director brought forth on this campus a new team, conceived in fecklessness, and dedicated to the proposition that DJ Richardson must move.

Now we are engaged in a great battle, testing whether that team, or any team, so conceived and so dedicated, can beat Penn State. We are met on our shitty, outdated stadium with no air conditioning of that battle. We have come to dedicate a portion of that stadium, as a final resting place for those who here gave 23 seconds of random running around and pants-shitting so that that Sam Maniscalco might chuck a 27 footer as the shot clock expires. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this stadium. The brave players, active and alum, who struggled, I mean SERIOUSLY STRUGGLED, here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The east coast-dominated media will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so half-assedly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these 3 stars we take increased devotion to that cause for which they drunkenly drove around campus without permit or license —that we here highly resolve that these athletes shall not have scored 38 points against Iowa in vain —that this team, under Groce, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that basketball with joy, aggression, and dunking, shall not perish from this conference.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Cleaning my office, I found my notes from the TV Show Draft...

I guess I didn't note all of the picks, looks like I just made a note when someone drafted something on my list,but this is what I had.

Let me know if you remember any of the picks I don't have
The categories seemed to have been:
- Standard Comedy
- Comedy - Other (Unconventional ?!)
- Drama - Cop/Law/Detective
- Drama - Other
- Sci-Fi
- Cartoon
- Game Show
- Variety

Arrested Development
Battlestar Galactica
South Park
Ed Sullivan Show

All In the Family
Law and Order
Star Trek
The Flintstones
The Tonight Show

The Office
The Shield
The Simpsons
Beat the Geeks

Larry Sanders Show
The Wire
West Wing
The Price is Right
Mr Show

Monday, August 13, 2012

How many of the following have you hired to work for you

Only condition is that you had hiring authority and they worked either for you or a report.

A. Blacks
B. Jews
C. Muslims
D. Catholics
E. Atheist
F. Obese
G. Retard
H. Skinhead
I. Purdue Grads
J. Illinois Grads

Just curious to see if I'm actually the leading Affirmative Action hirer here.

Are you one of those people that tunes into SD channels when the HD version is also available?

I actually do not like high def TV. I never watch high def, not even with sports. The old fashion looking sporting events make me nostalgic, therefore happy.

Sometimes I'll watch QVC in high def because they show the recipes on the side of the screen.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Another time in HS I was going about my business in a deserted bathroom, when a guy I knew walked in

He comes over, "Who's sitting here by themselves in teh stall" and jumps up and grabs the framing cross bar up high to pull himself over for a look.

I'm standing up and trying to pull down my shirt to cover things up. Luckily for me the lock on the stall gives way when he's trying to climb up using his feet. It slams in on my, knocks me back down on my butt onto the toilet seat, he falls off, door bounces back shut. That gave me time to get my pants on, and he was very apologetic when I came out.

i thought i was caught at work once

i had a summer job basically shredding dead files in an office building

just me and the radio and the shredder...the shitty kind too where i had to take out every.staple.

but it was pretty quiet down there and no one ever used the bathroom

they had one young employee....beth...totall hammer and she had that one outfit in the rotation that stopped clocks

so one afternoon i snuck off and finished one off in the basement bathroom

seriously about 15 minutes later the janitor/utility man came in my shredding station and just said

so...didya you oil the blade?

all the blood shot straight from my face to my feet and back again as i just shot out a "NO!...what?!!"

he then explained that oiling the blade in the shredder would make my job much easier but given my stance he mustve thought it wasnt worth helpin me out and just gave me the shrug off and left

So in high school we had a group of band nerds that'd hang out

One of the underclassman always looked up to me and this other guy. At the end of the hoops year we were playing against rival Boylan. And the thought always was our cheerleaders were better and their's were dogs. So this guy Mike we convinced to get dog bones that we'd slide at teh cheerleaders when they came out. Now here's where things really get off the rails. We didn't get there early so we sat in the nose bleeds. And then Mike shows us what he brought, he got like a huge 2 foot rawhide. So anyhow as the game was winding down he hasn't pulled this prank yet. I look at him and say "if you don't do it now, you'll have that bone and look at it every day for the rest of your life and think 'I was such a loser'". Well next thing i know Mike whips out this bone and launches it. It bounces off the floor and hits someone in the stands square in the chest. We take off, they pull out the wrong suspect. The following week Mike confessed.

random anti-chicken soup story

When I was in grade school, a lot of the cool kids (boys and girls) had friendship bracelets handmade by the cool girls. Nobody ever made one for me. I had a sad. Then one summer my mom signed me up for a class at the local community college where we learned Latin roots to increase our vocabulary (this was probably my idea). There was a girl there named Aleca from another school and I was instantly smitten. She was so cool - like alternative and funky (for the time and age). AND SHE LIKED ME. AND SHE MADE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET. I never took it off that entire summer. Slept with it, bathed with it. Entire civilizations of microorganisms developed, ascended, and collapsed on the underside. When I showed up for school the next year GLOWING with pride, one of the cool girls (Cara C.) asked me where I got it, and I told my story, and she said "yeah right, your mom probably bought it" in front of all the other cool girls, and they all laughed. I never wore it again.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

a coworker just came up to me and said

"every once in a while I think of that funny thing you said at our conference and it makes me laugh"

no idea what she's talking about. totally a socially awkward penguin moment.

and yes.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

hey, the truth hurts around here.....

The "real" good people are forced off because of the crap. Trust me, i know alot of people are thanking me right now for saying this. You can take shots at me all you want because that all this board can really do. So many people get blackballed on here because they didn't "fit" in.

maybe one day when people actually wake up, they will see that this isn't what it's all cracked up to be.

see, this is such a nazi board....

everyone falls in line with hating me. everyone on here is so far up each others ass it's not funny. Thank got we have some actual illini board that has common sense. BTW, i'm not the only one that thinks this board sucks. You should hear some of the thoughts of other people. Some people dont even recongnize this place as a real board because everyone has to be some renegade on here. it's like a country club with losers. A bunch of uptight snobs that doesn't even know what reality is. They wouldn't know even if it bit them on the ass. A bunch of no class jackasses on here that uses 5th grade terms to communicate.

I can't entirely explain it. I just do.

People bringing their kids to work and parading them around is top 10 least favorites things on the planet for me. I know this makes me a dick.. I think they are dirty, annoying, and a huge bother that I don't care to be associated with. Everything about them sucks.

I love this response the best. *pukes in mouth a little*

I'm generally sad for you. Because looking in your kids eyes for the first time, or watching them learn to walk, or learn to read, or any of a number of things is truly awe inspiring. Not a day goes by that I don't think, man if I didn't have my kids Mrs. D and I could take a trip to Hawaii. But then I come home, Josh runs up to me saying "I yuv yu dadeee" and all of the world's problems go away, even if it is for just an instant.

With all due respect, haven't you endured a tremendous amount of stress and trauma due to your child's health issues? I'm not saying you'd take anything back, but at least have a little perspective on how difficult it must be to go through that.

I view kids as a burden that people take on that prevents them from fullfilling their potential as humans. Of course, others would argue the whole point of human existence is to procreate. My dislike for kids actualy escalates as more and more of my friends become absolutely useless to me because they become parents.