I was so happy I would never have to think about dating again. She was "the one"

She had a lot of qualities I look for:

1. Likes a lot of the same music and going to concerts,
2. Likes sports. Didn't mind the 3 tv's I had then.
3. Loathes Republicans.
4. Godless.

I had laid the groundwork via PM on that board and when she and her boyfriend broke up I went in for the kill. Had seen some pics but from when she was thinner so when she finally flew out to visit I was surprised. I did my best to hide it, but I think she knew I liked thinner. That's where the cheerleader insecurity came from.

Leah Dunham. That's how the 1 year live-in was built. The one that asked me if she needed to lose weight. I thought I was being nice when I said "well you can can lose 20 just like I could" That's when the fight started... She eventually took up hula hooping and was bragging on the message board where I met her that she lost 90 pounds. She was even posting before and after pictures. I like to think I was her motivation.

I was so happy I would never have to think about dating again. She was "the one". We didn't last a month before we started having problems. She wanted to get laid EVERY night. It was great for three weeks or so. Then it started turning into work. She also liked going to bed early and wanted me to do the same. I wanted to stay up and watch tv.

Then after almost 2 months she got a job. We had plans to go to Summerfest to see Ratdog along with Railroad Earth and Donna the Buffalo. The new job meant she couldn't go. She was pissed that I went without her. There was no way in hell I was going to miss it just because she couldn't go. Then she snooped around on my computer and found a porn folder. We were then arguing via text message while I was trying to enjoy the show.

Jump forward to a year later after she had moved out, but I was still stuck with her. I felt bad because she had moved here for a failed relationship and didn't know anyone else. She would come down on weekends just to hang out. Very little FWB because it created too much drama. She did take me out to Geja's for my birthday. We were discussing the message board we were both still on. There was an active thread started by a guy who had been offering free boobie painting at Bonnaroo. She asked me if I had right clicked and saved any of them. If I said no I was a liar. If I admitted it I was a pervert. I was in a no win situation. I admitted to saving a few.

My daily confession: Ever since my neck surgery I'm supposed to walk at least once a day.

So I was doing the around the neighborhood walk tonight when the sudden urge to float an air biscuit hit me. Now normally, I evaluate these carefully when in public, however given that I have been on vicodin non-stop for over a month, (p.s. not looking forward to withdrawal) I figured risk was minimal. Hell taking a crap these days is somewhat of an event to be celebrated.

So I'm at about the halfway point, no shortcuts, and decide to break this muhfudda off when to my horror, I discover it is not just a fart. No, it is the dreaded shart and I am over 1/2 mile from home. And to make things worse, it was a Category 2 shart. For those of you not familiar with the categories of sharting it is too much to get into at this point, but suffice it to say that you would grab your car keys and go home. Containment was breached; not Chernobyl level but more like Fukushima if that helps.

My friends, walking 1/2 mile through your neighborhood with a Category 2 containment breach, hoping against hope that none of the neighbors are in the yard and want to stop and say hello is a hellish experience, even for those of us who are used to crapping themselves (and some may say savor the experience in retrospect). Now, I'm sure you all will be happy to know that I made it home without incident, informed the spousal unit of the mishap and was given a grocery bag to dispose of the now contaminated garments. It is times like this that I am happy I installed a bidet, I must note.

Just thought you might like to know. Also, during this walk I was pondering why I hadn't drawn my 401k out and bet it on Cincy -7.5; some of the more degenerate of you may wish to take this as a sign.

Quick little story to brighten your Friday

So I was driving back from my house closing yesterday in Champaign to my hometown which is about an hour away.

I was cruising along through the country at a pretty good clip when I see a horse buggy up in front of me cruising along. I naturally slow down and see that there are no oncoming cars, so I pass the woman and her horse in the other lane at approximately 35 MPH.

I look in my rear view mirror after I pass and notice that the lady is violently flipping me off. For some reason, I slam on the breaks, put it in reverse, and back up into about 50 feet of her.

I get out and ask her why she flipped me off. She hops off of her buggy thingy, and starts cursing me out calling me a "stupid mothereffer" and that I flew around her and I'm supposed to slow down, and didn't I see the slow sign on her buggy?

I ask her calmly, how fast is flying around her? Is 35 MPH ok? Does she have a radar gun on that thing? How fast do the cars go by her the other way? Faster than 35 MPH?

This only infuriates her more, and she starts cussing even more. I let her go on and on, just laughing. Then something pops in my head. It's Himey and CUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT.

So I scream it in a hilarious voice at her, and she goes apeshit. I start laughing at her uncontrollably. I hop back in my truck and drive off laughing.

Cool story bro.

An unfortunate incident in the men's room

I'm sure you men can identify. While approaching the urinal, I accidentally let fly while it was cocked to one side, peeing on the leg of the guy next to me. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice.

There was a partition, but the geometry was jusssst right. Maybe I need to draw a diagram showing angle measurements and stream velocity.

fine...this is valid....and while im still on vacation and have a few toilet minutes let me tell you

a story

a few weeks ago i met one of my best friends boss...he is a warehouse manager...we met for beers and i cant remember if he had more teeth or hair...yet we had a couple laughs and in about 20 minutes and after him showing genuine interest in where i live i learned that one of my neighbors had a handicapped son and this guy helped install a ramp in their home....free of charge...they supplied the wood and he did the project...even took a vacation day as the job was bigger than expected...we decided on a venue change and had to swing by his place for a beer while he let out his dogs....i popped in with him and learned he is a foster home...something he learned from the stepdaughter he took cared for when she had to leave her dog when she joined the armed forces...i saw the one larger black lab never left his hip....he was blind and the one dog he chose to adopt and he is that dogs world

these are just a couple stories i learned about this dude in a couple of hours on a weekday

these are the people he feels he is superior to

when the initial comment was made by him i waited for a retract.....ive never piled on but i have questioned him on many occaision...i know he likes or maybe needs to speak in hyperbole or just likes to make outlandish statements....but he stuck to this one

asked a handful of times he stuck to it....even later dropping some kind of clarification about just having a degree from the u of i automatically puts people like 25% better than the population....prolly not and exact quote but close enough

aside from the fact that living in champaign i can say with 100% certainty that there are so so many folks with a dgree from here are just horrible people....the automatic judgement and belief of being superior to so many fantastic people sight unseen is disgusting to me

now when i log off this board i carry on with my life.....but this stuck with me

wtf

during the time of asking follow up questions through the years....i know nothing of substance of the man

sure i know that he is a chameleon....move to sf be all the things sf....move to seattle becomes all the things seattle....watch the olypimcs...become all the things curling....catch a soccer match and become all the things sounders....catch kyfall and now daniel craig is his style idol...etc

i cant recall anecdotes or childhood stories or really anything shared of substance through the years...

he is yelp....he is internet comments....i see spikeball...i play spikeball....i see finally 100 people wearing a skinnier tie...i wear a skinnier tie

i cant wrap my brain around it....but its an odd combo of self loathing and self absorbtion....but overall just empty

but i dont hate the guy i dont really like the guy i dont feel sadness i dont feel pity....i dont "feel" anything....and thats what my issue is

so congrats.  comments like "after being a bachelor for 48 hours im bored to tears" and you views on marriage and cohabing being basically roommates finally make sense to me

so i wont ask follow up questions....ill even stop with a jabs but you wanted an answer and you now have it

How many of the following have you hired to work for you

Only condition is that you had hiring authority and they worked either for you or a report.

A. Blacks
B. Jews
C. Muslims
D. Catholics
E. Atheist
F. Obese
G. Retard
H. Skinhead
I. Purdue Grads
J. Illinois Grads

Just curious to see if I'm actually the leading Affirmative Action hirer here.