Friday, November 15, 2013

It was one of those cold as fuck days and like a dumb ass I was pissing on the neighbor's fence

Just as I was finishing, she came out in her stupid ass hello kitty pajamas bitching about god fucking knows what. She scared the shit out of me and I ended up pissing all over my jeans. They were the jeans she had bought me for my birthday when we had that party where she got stinking drunk, puked all over my bed and passed out on the toilet. I looked at her and said, it's gonna be one of those days ain't it sunshine. She just laughed and hit me in the nuts with a snowball that was packed with ice. It was one of the worst days of my life and one I'll never forget. Especially when the cold wind makes my balls hurt and I moan her name...fucking shinobi...

Friday, November 8, 2013

My Star Wars review

It was enjoyable. My favorite is R2D2. I love the BFF relationship between the gold man and R2D2. They may be droids, but they have feelings and they love eachother. I was a little confused by the entire thing so Tiki did a lot of stopping and explaining. I liked the ending. It was happy. Who knew Harrison Ford was in Star Wars?

I don't understand how Princess Leia's buns stayed so nice and perfect throughout the entire movie. That isn't possible.

Luke seems kind. I cried when Uncle Owen died :( I feel bad for Luke. Seems like he has kind of got the shaft. But then he has that whole FORCE thing so maybe he'll be OK after all.

Looking forward to watching #5 soon.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

every saturday morning, i take one of my girls out for breakfast

and then, on the way home, we swing by the Toyota dealership.

i drive in and aim the car toward the used lot. slowly drive right by the sales guys, with a little wave. they of course want me to stop but i don't. i just go up and down the rows, never getting out of the car. and they follow me in a golf cart.

sometimes they drive the other way, right at me and then slow down, expecting me to roll down my window and engage. but i just slow down a little and then they get close and i just keep going, with a little wave.

one of the guys is there solo sometimes. a total dickbag. last saturday, he finally cut in front of me and stood at my window.

my 14 yo was horrified. " Dad! He wants to talk to you! Roll down the window!"

" But I don't want to talk with him. It's a two-way street, toots."

pause... " Oh... OK"

so I hit the down button and cracked the window about half an inch. Then angled my face toward the window, pursing my lips to say " Yes?"


" Not sure. Just looking. I'll know it when I see it."


pursing, again ( 14 yo slumped in seat, staring at floor )
" Really? Are all the cars for sale over there, too?"

Then the guy just looks at me, all angry now. " BEAUTIFUL"

and gets back in his cart and drives back to his greeting station.

I'm going to continue to do this once a week for the rest of my life.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

My daily confession: Ever since my neck surgery I'm supposed to walk at least once a day.

So I was doing the around the neighborhood walk tonight when the sudden urge to float an air biscuit hit me. Now normally, I evaluate these carefully when in public, however given that I have been on vicodin non-stop for over a month, (p.s. not looking forward to withdrawal) I figured risk was minimal. Hell taking a crap these days is somewhat of an event to be celebrated.

So I'm at about the halfway point, no shortcuts, and decide to break this muhfudda off when to my horror, I discover it is not just a fart. No, it is the dreaded shart and I am over 1/2 mile from home. And to make things worse, it was a Category 2 shart. For those of you not familiar with the categories of sharting it is too much to get into at this point, but suffice it to say that you would grab your car keys and go home. Containment was breached; not Chernobyl level but more like Fukushima if that helps.

My friends, walking 1/2 mile through your neighborhood with a Category 2 containment breach, hoping against hope that none of the neighbors are in the yard and want to stop and say hello is a hellish experience, even for those of us who are used to crapping themselves (and some may say savor the experience in retrospect). Now, I'm sure you all will be happy to know that I made it home without incident, informed the spousal unit of the mishap and was given a grocery bag to dispose of the now contaminated garments. It is times like this that I am happy I installed a bidet, I must note.

Just thought you might like to know. Also, during this walk I was pondering why I hadn't drawn my 401k out and bet it on Cincy -7.5; some of the more degenerate of you may wish to take this as a sign.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Quick little story to brighten your Friday

So I was driving back from my house closing yesterday in Champaign to my hometown which is about an hour away.

I was cruising along through the country at a pretty good clip when I see a horse buggy up in front of me cruising along. I naturally slow down and see that there are no oncoming cars, so I pass the woman and her horse in the other lane at approximately 35 MPH.

I look in my rear view mirror after I pass and notice that the lady is violently flipping me off. For some reason, I slam on the breaks, put it in reverse, and back up into about 50 feet of her.

I get out and ask her why she flipped me off. She hops off of her buggy thingy, and starts cursing me out calling me a "stupid mothereffer" and that I flew around her and I'm supposed to slow down, and didn't I see the slow sign on her buggy?

I ask her calmly, how fast is flying around her? Is 35 MPH ok? Does she have a radar gun on that thing? How fast do the cars go by her the other way? Faster than 35 MPH?

This only infuriates her more, and she starts cussing even more. I let her go on and on, just laughing. Then something pops in my head. It's Himey and CUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT.

So I scream it in a hilarious voice at her, and she goes apeshit. I start laughing at her uncontrollably. I hop back in my truck and drive off laughing.

Cool story bro.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Is the wife putting on weight?

My old classmate (a softball coach) who started getting with the librarian about a year or so ago has out on probably 50 lbs. my friend is still smaller than the librarian, but man. She had gotten herself fit and into shape then blew up again.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

An unfortunate incident in the men's room

I'm sure you men can identify. While approaching the urinal, I accidentally let fly while it was cocked to one side, peeing on the leg of the guy next to me. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice.

There was a partition, but the geometry was jusssst right. Maybe I need to draw a diagram showing angle measurements and stream velocity.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

This isn't a good sign for some that believe these are the first signals of the point of no return

with regards to our warming atmosphere.

Huge extremes with more frequent heavy precip snow and rain.

Bad planting season so far for sure.

Major Update: They start couples counseling on Monday.

1. He isn't gay.

OK I don't *actually* know that, but I really don't think it's the case. I just think they don't actually think they like eachother.

2. She got home from work around 3, he came in around 4 from all day drinking and was completely HAMMERED. He works some weekends so he'll have random days off during the week. They got in a fight, he starting telling her she'd be nothing without him, she left and met me at the bar. (ps, thanks for buying me that drink deflef!)

3. Neither of them make the other a priority. And they have no communication whatsoever. Obvs.

4. I brought up the cheating thing....and that's when she started crying.

5. I was honest with her on my thoughts and opinions. I told her that I would be here for her but this shit has to stop. She needs to set boundaries and if he crosses those, there has to be repercussions or nothing is going to change.

6. As I learned on Intervention, if there is no change, there is no change.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Not this particular situation but lame stuff keeps happening

I mean it's normal for your husband to get a text from a random # saying, I miss you, when you are staying over again? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!


He only likes BJs. And before him she was quite promiscuous. But her previous boyfriend died of cancer so she was going through quite a bit emotionally when she met current husband.

So, who started cheating first? Before or after they got married? Has she been faithful to him? I chose not to answer. There is so much more crazy about it. I'll save it though.

I can confirm 100% she is a woman. It's not an appropriate story to tell strangers

I think that is mostly it. It's all been true. No lies


He is pissed at her and being soooo defensive with her and doesn't understand why in the WORLD she would be upset about this. And when she is out with me or other friends, he texts her like every hour to check in.


Let's say you go to bed one night before your spouse, you wake up at 5:30am and they aren't in bed

so you go to look in the living room and they aren't there either. You immediately panic and call their cell phone. They don't answer. You then continue to freak out and keep calling.  They call you at 7:30 to tell you they were just at their friends house all night.

How would that make you feel?

I realize I'm giving you all limited information here but I would be angry.

And no, he was safe and sound with me this morning.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So apparently I've been mis-hearing the lyrics to "Margaritaville" since 1977

I was at a trivia contest the other night and in the "Next Lyric" category they played "wasting away again in Margaritaville........"

I've probably heard this song >100 times since it came out in 1977 and I've ALWAYS thought the next line was "...searching for my lost Chigger saw." I don't know what a Chigger saw is, but that is how 11 year old me heard it and I've never corrected it in my head. There were times when I wondered to myself what a Chigger saw was and rationalized that it was some fancy brand name chainsaw that people used on tropical islands to cut down palm trees that blocked their view of the ocean.

When the team captain wrote "searching for my lost shaker of salt", I thought he was crazy. When the other team members backed him up, I just played it off like I was joking. Of course, they were right (I googled it later to prove it to myself) and I was wrong. Thinking about it, I guess their lyric does make a little more sense.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Adfession: I am kind of a purebred dog snob

even though I wish I wasn't, although I am somewhat anti-breeder, and insist on getting a dog from a rescue group. While at the same time, I think anyone who pays money for a cat, especially a specialty breed, is a crazy person.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Do you ever forget to dry certain body parts after showering?

    I routinely forget to dry my elbows, even though I have a rain man-like drying pattern. And sometimes I forget to dry my ass...then I'm reminded when I put my drawers on.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Viv's Chili


- 4 can Tomato Sauce
- 1 Habanero Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Seranno Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Jalapeno Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Anaheim Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Poblano Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 5 cloves Garlic, Minced
- 1 Onion, Chopped
- 2 lbs. 93% Lean Ground Serloin
- 1 lb. Ribeye Steak, 3/8" Cubed
- Chili Powder
- Cayenne
- Cumin
- Paprikia
- 3 can Whole Tomatoes
- 1/2 bar Bakers Bittersweet or Semi-Sweet Chocolate, Chopped
- 1 can Dark Kidney Beans
- 1 can White Kidney Beans
- 1 can Black Beans


1. Prepare Peppers Remove seeds and coarsely chop the peppers. Always wear gloves for this step.

2. Simmer Heat Base In medium sauce pan, add 3 cans of tomato sauce, and the chopped peppers. Simmer on very low heat for 45 minutes.

3. Cube Steak Cube the ribeye into 3/8" Cubes. It's easiest to do this when the steak is slightly frozen.

4. Chop onion and mince garlic

5. Start the gravy base In a very large, lightly oiled pot, brown the garlic and onion. Once fragrant and browned, add the ground sirloin and ribeye steak. As meat browns, add spices to taste.

6. Add more tomato Once the meat is browned, add 3 cans of whole tomatoes and 1 can of tomato sauce.

7. Add heat base to gravy base Once the heat base is finished simmering, put the entire mixture into a blender and blend until smooth. Once blended, add to the large pot with the gravy base.

8. Add chopped bakers bar of chocolate.

9. Add beans Wash and drain all of the beans. Add to the pot.

10. Simmer for at least 2 hours Stir occasionally. I do it once every half hour.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Agggghhhh... just got this email from someone at work.

"Are you dating someone and/or committed, if not, are you open to a blind date, I know of someone that is interested and am playing somewhat of a match maker. Just asking, tell me to butt out if you want to, I will understand but take this as a compliment also."

I know who the chick is and she is probably 220 lbs. I try to be nice to her at work... but seriously... Does she really think she has a chance?


Friday, January 11, 2013

I put a lock on my dial phone years ago

My kids in HS picked it and ran my phone bill over $100. Mrs told them we didn't have the money if they did it again. They had boy and girlfriends. I think my wife threatened them with physical violence. It worked, whatever.