Wednesday, December 24, 2008

On the First Day of Christmas, the IB Gave to Me....


On the 2nd day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Two Dandytwins

On the 3rd day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 4th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 5th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 6th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 7th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 8th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 9th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Nine Gorillas Dancing
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 10th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Ten Calvins Leaping
Nine Gorillas Dancing
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 11th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Eleven Cages Rattling
Ten Calvins Leaping
Nine Gorillas Dancing
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

On the 12th day of Christmas the IB gave to me,
Twelve Illies Hiding
Eleven Cages Rattling
Ten Calvins Leaping
Nine Gorillas Dancing
Sevens Who Think They're Nines
Sex Jackie's Missing
Three Donut Slayers
Two Dandytwins

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Is it ghey for a dude to want to take a bath?

Because we had some unseasonbably warm weather this weekend, I decided to go out and dig some fence post holes. The ground was rock hard from lack of rain, but I was undeterred. Sometimes, a man has to do what a man has to do.

After only 45 minutes of continuous digging, I felt the first beads of sweat running between my burning pecs. My suntanned arms were warm and getting moist, and my back muscles bunched before smoothing out under my wet work shirt.

Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a reflection of my back side in the garage window. My initial thought was that my shrink to fit jeans had, indeed, shrunk just right.

But then, my mind wandered to the lovely lavender oil bath beads we have in the master bath closet. I've been meaning to try them out in a nice steamy bath. Perhaps with a glass of Shiraz, some soft music and my new loufa. It might be the perfect way to unwind after a demanding day.

So, is it ghey for a dude to want to take a bath?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

you are being a pussy

did you forget that it's your room too?

I think you should respect eachother but that little momma's boy is walking all over you. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself. If you can't stand up to this guy, good luck in the real world.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I, for one, am quite happy my oldest daughter is heterosexual

because now we have Brooksie. I guess that makes me a bigot.

If it is ignorant to be pleased that my daughter had a child with her husband without all the baggage which seems to be potentially involved with a lesbian couple having a child (where do we get the sperm, don't know, how about your brother?), I plead guilty

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I'll gladly tell you what is going on...

There are some select people on this board that feel the need to take whatever may be going on in other people's lives, good or bad, and shit all over it. There are people who have no common decency towards others because their lives are so pathetically sad and boring that they feel the need to talk down to other people and continuously mock whatever happiness others might be experiencing. People who quite frankly need to shut the #### up and mind their own business because this same shit has happened more than a few times with that same group of people. And just so you know, you can come out of your little "shelter" because unlike some people, our lives don't revolve around internet message boards. We have no reason to discuss our plans or our future on a message board, so you don't have to worry about "hiding" from it. Basically what I am getting at here is #### off!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I worked for a German woodworker in HS

He got wounded at the Russian front during WW2. He said Maggots saved his life. He walked with an artificial leg. Always went back to Germany for his leg, because they paid for it. He was a tough old Kraut. Pure Republican and loved America. He saw the effects of a country dominated by the government. No sh*t!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

college kids really do not understand the proposed healthcare plans

i think it has a lot to do with the fact that college kids are pretty worthless. (the majority)

Until you've lived and worked and supported yourself in the real world, your opinion shouldn't count.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

yesterday my 4 year old completely missed the toiled and peed all over the tile floor...

and instead of telling someone, he covered it up with a plastic doggie poo bag he got from the bathroom closet.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The problem with mixed nuts.

first let me say i love nuts. cashews, pistachioes, peanuts, almonds, walnuts. love em all.

so i'm totally down with the concept of mixed nuts. great idea, really it is.

yet, everytime i eat mixed nuts i end up sorely disappointed. it's like all those great individual nuts lose their identity and taste. they become a new taste, known as "mixed nuts" and that taste sucks.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I don't wear a wedding ring because rings are annoying...

...and I really don't care for the idea that "you're married, so you have to wear this band of metal around your finger!"

F*** you. I don't have to wear shite. I find a lot of traditions annoying and obstinate. A prime example is the greeting card. I haven't purchased a card in years and don't plan to ever again. I don't say "bless you" when someone sneezes. I don't acknowledge it when someone says it to me. It's dumb.

I just generally hate people and their insufferable insistencies.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

I won't lie...

I used to kill cats as a kid. We lived in the country and the only cats I ever encountered were ones that were "set free" and became wild. I always thought of those cats as evil, but it wasn't the cat that was evil I discovered.

it was a time of long hair, liberal drug use, bad polyester clothing and open cat-killing

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Speaking of obituaries. The story behind my morbid birthday present. (kinda long-ish)

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm nuts about my little, redneck, backward-ass hometown. My family has farmed the same ground there for over 150 years. I'm homesick a lot. Especially in the fall and spring.

I've made sure there are ample funds for my final expenses to fly my dead ass home so that I can be buried in the same cemetery as the rest of my family and not end up stuck for all eternity in this moldy swamp.

Anyway, around the time my son was born, I was thinking about and planning for such things and one day I stopped by the cemetery and asked the sexton how urgent it was that I buy plots.

He said there was enough capacity to last at least 100 years. Thus assured, I put it out of my mind.

However, a year or so ago, I saw an article in the paper that spoke about the quickly dwindling cemetery space and the need to start a brand new one on the outskirts of town.

Holy shnikeys! I was upset! I want to be buried with my family and I want to be buried in the cemetery next to the high school football field! That way I can climb out of my grave on chilly fall Fridays and listen to the games.

So when I opened my birthday card from my wife, I was thrilled to find that she had purchased two of the remaining plots in my cemetery of choice!

Really weird, huh? Well, I thought it was awesome! In fact, she gave me the gift early so that when I went to Illinois last week, I could go check out the plots myself. Which I did. I grabbed the owner of the funeral home (a guy I've known all my life) and took him to the cemetery and we showed my where I'm going to be buried.

And I made him take pics to show my wife!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sweet crap,

So I'm driving home from work tonight, and I'm waiting at a stoplight. I have been thinking about the half-eaten cupcakes I have in a box next to me on the passenger seat, so I figure while I'm waiting, I'm gonna sneak a taste.

I take out the strawberry balsamic peppercorn, lick the frosting a couple of times, then lick off the frosting that got on my fingers.

Then I hear some dude say "That looks pretty good."

I look over, and apparadoy the dude in the car next to me has been watching me tongue this thing.


Next up for me? Hitching my wagon to some tubby profane right-wing Squawk. :'(

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dear gigantic red spider in my shower this morning:

I know you and your hundreds of cousins help keep the other bugs from overrunning my apartment, and for this I thank you.

Given your toils, I apologize for foregoing the usual "upside down glass/sheet of paper" trap-and-release method, and instead splashing you down the drain. The quarters in said shower were just too cramped, and I couldn't be certain that your gross, furry legs would not touch my hand. Wherever you are, I hope you survived and are currently pwning some six-legged pest.


P.S. Thank you for not crawling back up the drain and biting the tihs out of my feet.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Dear dude who offed himself by throwing himself in front of a blue line car today at rush hour,

I'm not quite sure what your problems were in life, but judging by the big eff you that you gave to several hundred people trying to get home on a Friday night, it was probably some problems with friends. Because you sure didn't make any tonight with your antics. In your next life, if you feel compelled to do something like that, try something less public and messy. I'm sure the dozens of people going to O'Hare, of which I was supposed to be one before my flight was delayed, would really appreciate it. Sorry bout ya

Thursday, September 4, 2008

regardless of who gets in

power will go to their heads and we all might as well bend over because they are gonna ream us so bad.

I'm through with politics. Mainly because of what the hell it does to everyone. It divides people.

So make sure you are wearing clean underwear when they strip you down and start screwing us all

Friday, August 29, 2008

DAMMIT! My poop schedule changed. :(

For 2 years, like clockwork: Once a day, in the morning, right before my shower.

I guess my body decided it likes mid-morning better. kcuF! I hate the work-poop.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

i saw a couple in the park...snuggling under a tree

at 3 this afternoon as i walked the kids to the 4:30 on the way home, they were still there...dry humping. at 8:30, after the kids were down, i took a bike ride and noticed them still there. a little poke-in-the-park, i guess. but to recap...they were laying under a tree in a park for at least 5.5 blanket, or anything else, from what i could tell.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

One time, in 7th grade I think, I got an erection while practicing the piano

Unfamiliar with erections as this was maybe one of the first 5, I couldn't stop looking at it. I would play some Fur Elise, then stop and look at teh boner. Finally, I extended it out from my shorts to get a better view of my new found firmness. I just kept staring at it, half excited, half WTF?

Unbeknownst to me, my mom had let my neighbor friend Kelli in the back door. "He's practicing piano in the living room... go on in". Kelli decided to sneak up on me, so she slowly peeked her head through the doorway from the dining room. To this day, although I remain good friends with her as she married one of my high school friends - I don't know what she saw. It wasn't for a lack of sleuthing on my part. I stood where she stood many times to see if her viewing angle past the piano brought my shorts-clearing erection into plain sight. Touch and go.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Almost Got Into A Car Accident Lastnight

Thanks to a ssakcaj pedestrian.

So I'm headed down Halsted towards the Clark/Halsted light and this pedestrian decides to cross against the light across Halsted (I have a green). I honk at him and he looks at me like I'm the idiot and keeps walking, so I have to go a little into the left turn lane to get around him. As I'm getting into the intersection, the light turns yellow and there are two cars in the left turn lane coming towards me. So now I'm in the intersection and the first car must have assumed I was turning left (I didn't have a signal on) and turns left in front of me, so I have to slow and go to the left of that car, then I start to head back to the right and the other car turns left in front of me. It was just a complete disaster all around and all thakns to one rude pedestrian. cuss.GIF

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

almost got in a road rage fight...

will post details later.

effing punk ass mommas boy. you're not from NY, so take that hat off. you're from freaking mahomet.

the car you're driving has a "my daughter is an honor rol student" on it. maybe thats your moms bmw.

give me a reason you wanna be

So I am taking my afternoon deuce,

and am all out of sorts anyway (I am in a different one of our offices and thus removed from my home-field rettihs), when a guy makes himself at home in the stall right next to me (my issues with this lack of spacing shall be left for another day). Now, I am have a particularly fiber-rich day, and am feeling much lighter by the time this guy sits down. As I hear him choosing his stall, I give a courtesy flush--more for a warning than a courtesy. He doesn't hear it (and I now hope it is because he's deaf, for reasons that will soon become apparent).

So again, this guy settles into the stall next to me an unapologetically begins to thrash his toilet. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am both impressed by him and scared for him, simultaneously. After he gets done carpetbombing the bowl for the second time, I decide that he is not going to do that next to me without a fight. So I settle in for a retaliatory strike.

I get the proper colon angle, I let the pressure build, I feel an overwhelming bubble form, and then I momentarily rejoice in a feeling of pride that comes with knowing that I am gonna blow the door off the stall and get even with this guy.

So there I am, locked and loaded, waiting for my moment and the thunderous boom that will follow, and then . . . I let out the highest-pitched, squeel of a fart I have ever heard. It lasted for about 4-6 seconds followed by an internal deflation that I can only imagine was the rest of my bubble deciding it did not want to be part of this sissy show and ran to my small intestine to wait for a more manly display.

Needless to say, I wiped while wallowing in my shame and dissappointment--followed shortly thereafter by a quick handwash--before exiting the scene of the crime as quickly and descretely as possible. I do not deserve my testicles.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I had a cat that did this. Easy solution:

- purchase a burlap sack

- place said cat in burlap sack

- throw burlap sack in large body of water

The only good cat is a dead cat.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Also, to summarize this, since I'm going to bed, here's a story

from my childhood you guys would definitely not approve of, in light of the information in this thread.

When I was 5 years old, I was playing on the playground one time, and a larger, older boy started picking on me, verbally and physically. I started crying. His mom, in an act of fantastic parenting, was smirking and not doing anything.

My dad, who's a lifelong pacifist and a very calm person decided to not resolve this issue as an adult. Instead, he got into the other kid's face and said, "if you don't stop picking on my son right now, I'll rip your head off and put it back on backwards, and you'll be that way for the rest of your life".

Needless to say the kid stopped.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

there's no excuse for anyone graduating from UIUC these days and not starting at 50k at least.

you gotta be some sorta loser to not be pulling at least 50k with your first job these days.

i will clarify that i don't recognize any degrees from LAS and ACES as actual valid college degrees, so that excludes you guys from the group, unless these degrees are used to go directly to a med or law school type thing.

god dont even get me started on teachers. if you pursue a teaching career, youve given up on life

Monday, July 14, 2008

I nearly quit my job this morning.

...then I remembered I couldn't afford it.

Teaching something I don't know for 5 days to three Indians who don't know my language is gonna be a fuckin' blast.

Dots. None of them were signedup for the course. They just showed up.


I stood in my bosses office for ten minutes realizing that my only two options were teach this class (which I am not qualified to be teaching) or quit.

I know what I wanted to do.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I just met Tony Dungy

He is signing his new children's book here in Tampa. He saw my Illini shirt and asked if I'm from there and I said 'yes'. I lied to Tony Dungy!!!! Anyways, I also said that I'm a Bears fan and that if we had to lose to anyone, I'd prefer his Colts. No lie there. Nice guy. Soft spoken / demeanor. This is my greatest brush with fame, ever

Thursday, July 10, 2008

July 10, 2007

Happy Chastiversary to me!!!!!

What, it's possible I'll do it again someday.

So, I had a "peeping tom" last night.

At about 11, me and Dude are sitting in my room, I'm copyediting and he's reading, when we hear this loud *THUD* outside my window/corner of the house. My first thought was that my roommate drove into the side of the house or something and his was that someone was trying to break into my garage.

So he runs outside with a hammer (since I didn't have a bat!) and sees a wayward cinder block leaning up against the house below one of my bedroom windows. He yells at me to get my phone ready to call the cops. He grabs a flashlight from his car and flashes it down that side of the house and has he does that someone (or something at this point) hits the neighbor's fence and supposedly hops over and runs off.

I grab the phone and try the non-emergency number a couple of times (I didn't think too much of it yet at this point) and my sister says screw this and dials 911. They send two cops out right away as we're looking over the side of the house. We also find what looks like a pry mark on one of my windows and another large rock below one of my other windows. So now we're thinking attempted burglary. The cops take some pics and look around. Female cop leaves.

Male cop then comes in and questions us and gets our contact info. He says they obviously don't have any suspects right now, but they'll let us know if they find anything and they'll patrol our block all night.

Cop walks out the door and BAM! Dude is standing by the side of the house with his pants undone. Another cop arrests him and hauls him off. First cop comes back in and tells us what's going on and says he's going to come back and try to lift some prints from my windows. Turns out the arrest this guy regularly on peeping tom charges, but this time they're going to get him hopefully for burglary and put him away for a while.

I didn't sleep most of the night.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I lived in Boulder the summer of 1997,

about 6 months after the murder. We lived about 3 blocks from the Ramsay house. After a long night of drinking, my friend and I decided to go over to the Ramsay house at about 5:30 am and take a entire roll of pictures of us doing random things in front of the Ramsay house. So I've got an entire roll of film of us mowing their lawn, watering their flowers, folding laundry, talking on the phone, shaving, etc.,

ive peed on three girls

while passed out

first one was a surprise.....woke up in a dorm room my freshman year CONVINCED that someone poured a beer on us while we were sleeping

when i realized i was only wet on the crotcheral region....and her ass was soaked i put 2 and 2 together

i just said NO WAY then ran out of the room

i gave her laundry money later on in the day

the other 2 stories are a lot more douchy

3rd time the girls father came by to pick her up to take her home

we overslept by a solid 2 hours

i had to hop out of the window

as i was hopping out she yells out OH MY GOD YOU PEED THE BED

i looked back and said....or you did!!! no time for this your dad is here!!!


then vamped

ive never had a "walk of shame" cause well im a guy.....but waling accross campus on the weekend in broad daylight with a perfect circle of wetness isnt cool

Cute girl I had met

up with a couple of times with groups of friends and I decided to go out and have some drinks ourselves. Things are going really well and we end up going back to her place. We are on her couch and watching a movie and stuff and we continue drinking. Her rommate comes home, interrupts us for a few minutes, and we basically just pass out. I was laying on the floor on a pillow and she on the couch. About an hour or two I'm awakened by rustling only to look up and see the girl pulling her pants down and peeing on her own couch. I went to her roommates bedroom door, knocked on it, told her that they had a cleanup ahead of them, and left.

Friday, June 27, 2008

When I was in first grade,

I was the only kid who didn't get a handwriting award cause I was late on my fine motor skill development. It made me work harder on my handwriting. I turned out ok.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I am concerned about my 6 y.o. son

The woman who lives with me was speaking to our 10 y.o. about a girl in his class. The 6 y.o. asked, "is that the one who always wears a choker?"

I asked, "how do you know about chokers?" He said that he just knows. This is the son who also does a very good job coordinating his clothes' colors.

I replied, "don't worry about chokers and stuff like that. If you need something to do, memorize Super Bowl trivia. Now, go get ready for soccer camp."

Interestingly, he may very well be the best athlete of the 3 older boys.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Remember that time you took a girl home one night?

Me either.

Chicago women are effin ridiculous

They all think they are so much more attractive and cooler than they actually are. It's preposterous, just because dudes flirt with you when you are out at a bar doesn't mean you are amazing. It seems like every girl in Chicago thinks she is so much more attractive than she actually is. Never seen anything like this.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Went out for a run last Monday,

and passed a single female duck that was loitering about a particular area and quacking loudly. Got to the turning point on my route and came back to the same area - the duck was still there, still quacking and generally distressed.

I stopped and tried to talk to it (not sure why), at which time I noticed that it was near a storm sewer. I leaned down by the sewer grate and heard what I believe are duckling sounds, but I couldn't see anything. I tried to pull the grate up, but it was either stuck or too heavy. I didn't know what else I could do, so I continued my run and tried to think of any city/county services that could help (and would still be in after 5). I couldn't get a live person to answer that night, so I planned to try after 9 the next morning.

The next day, I'm driving to the train and pass the same spot. Someone had run over the mother duck. I didn't hear any more "chirping" from the sewer either, so I pretty much gave up on my rescue "effort." Damn shame, and it still bums me out.

At home I generally always pee sitting down or kneeling

yes, I said kneeling (on one knee). This reduces the splash factor and less mess.

When out, I never sit down. I've been known to get constipated due to the fact I don't sit on public toilet. It's a problem I have and working on it.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The common housefly

We worry about $4 dollar gas. Get rid of the flies. They are annoying! My grandma used to swat them with her rubber flyswatter. Bugs are going to be terrible. Mrs Colt got poison ivy and something bit her on the lip, because it swelled a little bit. Deet has no effect on them.

Friday, June 13, 2008

here's a window into a 3-year-old's behavior:

Tonight, as I was sitting on the floor calmly waiting for my child to heed my instruction to lie down so I could put her diaper on, she suddenly put her face right in mine and yelled, "GET OUT OF MY FACE!"

Thursday, June 12, 2008

When I was little, this is what our swimming pool looked like:

It was just an old horse tank that my dad picked up somewhere. It was nasty and had a bunch of welds on it where dad had patched rusty holes. It would get filled up once a year and we were stuck with the same nasty water, unless there was a reunion or something, and then mom would change it. She did, though, add about a gallon of Clorox once a week. Everytime I swam, my knees and feet would get all scraped up from rubbing on the bottom.

Our pool toys consisted of an old innertube

quarters, and empty bottles of dishwashing soap that we used as squirt guns.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I was a child in school.

My dad thought I should learn more math and science than the school was teaching (or at least, learn it sooner) so he would spend about 30 minutes or so every other night teaching it to me. He did the same for my 2 brothers. I graduated with a chem/physics double major and am now an attorney, my youngest brother just got his CE degree from UI and is going to law school, and my other brother is an MD.

Monday, June 9, 2008

I'm such a klutz

I was getting ready to go into Springfield to run a few errands and when I got to my car, my ankle folded under me and I fell face first into the gravel driveway. Needless to say I have a few scrapes on my face and hands...and I have an interview tomorrow. Just got out of the at least the cuts are clean.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I'm cleaning out my garage.

No less than 50 people have stopped to buy my daughters bike, her scooter, her roller skates, her sled, my old grill, my lawn mower, my snow blower etc etc etc ad infuriatum. Get. the fuck. off my driveway.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Just spent the last 10 minutes in front of a class

...trying to conceal a raging renob.

cause for said renob? Prolly a combo of:

a) Six months of celebacy


b) pretty woman in class.

Viva Viagra!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thong Sis Update

She found a wallet at the coffee shop at the hospital where she was working. Decided to take the cash out, and kept the wallet, supposedly with the intention of returning the empty wallet later. Wallet contained about $100. Anyway...FAIL.

All caught on security camera. And the wallet belonged to...the president of the hospital where she was working.

Operative phrase being "WAS working." Terminated.

Dumb girl.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Got a hemorrhoid five days earlier helping a buddy move a desk.

It popped 2 days before the test, but wouldn't stop bleeding. My wife insisted I go to the emergency room at 10 pm the night before the final because it was bleeding so freaking bad. I begged the doctor to go easy on me because I had a test the next morning. He asked questions and determined I was in law school. Then, he did his thing with the rubber glove. He left for about an hour, came back with 3 interns, told them I was going to law school so take it easy on me, to wit they all laughed uproariously and took turns sodomizing me with thier rubber gloved hands.

Finally got home at 1 am, but had an even worse pain in the ssa. I couldn't sleep, so I took a Tylenol PM at about 3 am. I slept maybe two hours, and I could only sit on one cheek because the pain was unbearable, and I was hella groggy from the Tylenol PM. That was my worst grade during 1L. Contracts was 3 days later, but the bleeding had stopped and the pain subsided.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I'm not your monkey

And I don't dance for you when you turn your little handle.

So while I enjoyed the fact that you made that little thread for me, I will decide when posts will be about me and not you.


It is POSSIBLE that a person's luck could allow them to never lose. It is possible. the odds are not good but POSSIBLE.

It is possible that if you flip a coin 1,000,000 times it will land on heads each time. It's possible not likely.

And if you disagree, you're wrong and you don't understand odds.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

VIV and gig can stick it

I posted a sincere question. It wasn't rude or out of line. The you two A_HOLES decide to attack me for it.

What the F is wrong with you?

Worst part is that you then say it's a "douches vs. Chad" subthread.

Go f yourselves. Who do you think you are? I didn't post anything inappropriate or wrong. i wasn't contetious until you attacked me. Then you blame me. Why didn't you just leave well enough alone?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I am remarkably unfazed by 100,000 cyclone deaths

I know I should feel bad, at least on some Obi-Wan Kenobi "great disturbance in the Force" level, but I really don't. Part of me is even relieved, given all of the concerns about overpopulation, global warming, etc. This concerns me because it totally contradicts my professed belief system.

I just don't know how to relate to people halfway across the world whose lives don't seem to intersect with mine in any meaningful way.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I'm naturally left handed, but I cut off part of my ring finger...

at 16 months old. According to the doctors, this occured during the period of choosing hand dominancy and I had my left hand bandaged up.

Friday, May 2, 2008

I live with drunk morons

they are breeding "lil Girl (Maltese/Poodle) with a male full bred toy poodle (who is 11 years old). Everytime I try to talk...I get shouted down so I've pretty much just shut up. But we don't have space for pups (if it even happens) and I don't think she'll take care of them because she's spoiled...but it just goes in one ear and out the other.

Worst umpire ever.

Dude was on his cell phone for a whole half inning. I asked (yelled) for him to get off of his cell phone during our game. He told me to "show some respect!".

He also ate a popsicle and threw the wrapper right behind home plate. Our game was ended after 45 minutes with a score of 16-8....when I asked why it was over he responded with "Take your pick" Would not give me a real answer. When I told him that I needed to know since I was going to call and try to have him fired (over the line, I know)...he went on an f-bomb tirade.

Prom totally sucked.

What a waste of time and money. ...we had a limo-coach booked - you know, a 15-person party bus that's decked out like a limo...

The limo company showed up in 2 airport vans... that was the start of a positively underwhelming evening, topped off by my girlfriend (at the time) freaking out because people were drinking downstairs... and then no nooky took place because Aunt Flo came to town.

I got a text from my high school best friend last night

He said he's getting married May 17 in Nurnberg Germany and the Dalai Lama is attending the wedding. Making it stranger... the last I heard he was dating a stripper.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I should know better

I had a monster order of Burger King's onion rings last night.

They're apparently still sitting in my gut, because right now my poor dog's eyes are watering and she's sniffing the air, just from the bombs I'm letting off in the basement.

Me and onion rings don't mix. Actually, if I lived on a desert island, they'd be fine, but around other living creatures with a sense of smell, it's just not right.


I lived it moron!!!! My life. My experiences!!!! All my Jewish friends who agree because they lived it too.

You are the ignorant one. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

That is one of the reasons why I left Chicago. That is the very reason I married a non-Jew!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Crazy Bat-@#$& neighbor - Story Deu (#2)

So Sunday my buddy and I were outside planting some plants. I had my radio on (Stroke 9 and Train - nothing too extreme)....we worked for about 1.5 hours, and then had a few minutes to chill before heading back to the store for hanging baskets.

Crazy tihstab neighbor comes out her front door (4pm Sunday afternoon to get her Sunday paper which I brought up from the street level for her) and tells me to turn down the radio, she's trying to take a nap . It's cold enough that all her windows and doors are shut.

The radio isn't turned up excessively, just loud enough that we can hear it working within 15 feet of it....and it's on the far side of my patio, furthest away from her....if a car goes by on the street, it drowns out the radio.

I say, no, I'm not going to turn down the radio that is by no means not being played at an unreasonable level. I suggest to her if she wants peace and quite, to move to the suburbs into a detached house with plenty of space and peace and quite.

She complains that this is a rowhome, and I should be more considerate.

I flip her the bird.

She says everyone in the neighborhood knows that I'm a terrible neighbor. (mind you, she doesn't talk with any neighbors....we have 2 yearly parties for the block...she's never attended one and numerous other gatherings like a party down the block for one of my neighbors birthday's on Saturday night...she's never gone to any of never see her outside talking with the neighbors, I know personally and have been inside the homes of over 6 of our neighbors....I talk with the neighbors all the time...they all think she's crazy)

I tell her everyone know that she's a crazy b!tch, and to go away.

She continues to complain and then finally goes back into her home when I don't continue the conversation.

I relayed the story to the police officer that lives on the block....he said there is nothing she can do unless the radio was being played at an extreme level.....and definitely not on a Sunday afternoon at 4pm....he suggested to me that the next time she says something like that, to tell her to stop talking to me or I will call the cops and file a complaint that she's harassing me....and we can even have the police officer (him) that lives on the block arbitrate it.

I love people like her.....idiot.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

You're an asshole, and I'm incredibly sick of your schtick.

Your posts are the single largest reason why the deuce is no longer as enjoyable for me. It boggles my mind that your arrogance and hostility are so popular here.

You're right; that is better.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

For the love of God - STOP!

My God, you people must be, at a minimum, four or six years removed from high school. You should be emotionally grown enough to not need to pass around the virtual functional equivalent of "I love you, do you love me?" notes. Wow.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I saw a girl slap her guy a couple weeks ago

Like 4 feet away from me. It was awesome.

I'd like to date a girl who slaps me every once in a while. Not throwing lamps or anything, but a good slap in the face would be pretty cool.

Friday, March 21, 2008

My girlfriend is in jail right now

I can't believe I just typed that. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Apparently she is a theif. I got a call from a friend yesterday saying they saw her on the side of the road being cuffed and put into the back of a police car. When I got to the scene her car was being towed and she told me she was arrested for a outstanding warrant.

A couple of months ago she got arrested and gave me a BS story about how it was for a failure to appear in court for a fake ID ticket she used years ago when she was only 20. Apperently she actually stole more than $500 worth of stuff from the mall (A FREAKING FELONY). At X-mas time she told me her dad gave her his credit card and told her to spend $1000 on herself for X-mas. Her dad is loaded so it didn't seem very far fetched. She then told me he gave her a $600 gift card to Best Buy that he wasn't going to use. Apparently her MO was to steal stuff, then bring the merch back, say she lost the receipt and just have the amount put on a gift card.

So last night she got arrested for a warrant for failing to appear in court over the shoplifting charge.

I can't tell you all how much of a shock this is. She is a wonderful person with a great family (who has money). She really needs prefessional help. She is horrible with money and is always speding money we don't have. She has this sense of entitlement that tells her she has to have everything she wants right when she wants it. I was at her parents house talking about all of this with her family until 3AM last night. We are all in a total state of shock right now.

I don't know how I'll be able to stay with her. She has lied to me about SOOO much stuff. I was going to marry this girl. What the eff do I do now?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Go blank yourselves

You and some of your brethern need to stay the f^ck away when Weber turns this around starting next year. The bandwagon is closed for some of you. Enjoy this year while you can as some of you will not be able to show your pathetic heads when we are winning again. Somehow, I bet we see alot of new 'members' next year.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm newly single and I have a question...

Should I shave or just trim my man area? And if I should shave, how high and far back should I go?
lucky for my lazy ssa, i get to pretend to be one of those birkenstock dykes!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Have I ever told my July 19-20, 1969 story here?

1. Was 18, just graduated from high school
2. Went out saturday night (July 19th) with an older friend, male.
3. All night drinking with some of his Bradley female friends.
4. Got laided (LAM)
5. Around 3-4AM, it's time to go home.
6. While leaving Peoria, my friend decided to chase a hooker down the sidewalk, in his car.
7. Stopped by the police. Rules were a little different then and the cop said just go home.
8. On the way home I said "Greg, you're going a little fast, aren't you?" He said yeah 144. He had some Ford Torino with about 600HP.
9. Got to my house at like 5AM. Knocked on the door. My Mother looked out, turned away and relocked the door.
10. Sat on the front porch until 8:00 when my mother opened the door and said "Get dressed, we're going to church"
11. After church, my mother said we're going to grandma's for dinner. (Actually Sunday lunch, etc)
12. After "dinner", I fell asleep in my grandmother's bed. I missed the moon landing
13. Recovered enough Sunday night to watch the first walk on the moon.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

for the record, what has kept you from remarking

on Mech's or Tiki's witty zings not in direct response to one of yoyo's comments? haven't they been doing this longer than I have? if you think there's one whit of intelligence to your comments about my comments about yoyo, maybe you should sling them around at other people here. otherwise, quit being a bitch.

and, wtf? you see boners on the train?

oh that's rich coming from you

you, who has called me a dyke, fat, stupid, and racist are going to say i go out of my way to insult you? why? because one time i said that it was racist of you to constantly be posting threads that are negative about jews and israel? laughing my big fat dyke ass off.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A toddler with pierced ears and a stache?!?

Is the kid Puerto Rican?

P.S. - Sorry about the stache comment. If it makes you feel any better, most of the dago women in my family all have them too.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

To the smartass who tried to start a fight oustide a Bamba's tonight..

...I already make more per year than you will ever make. I didn't kick your ass becaue I actually have something to live for...bitch. Good luck with that LAS degree!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Oh man...Dixie Truckstop is on fire!!!

just came over the scanner.

That sucks!!! Place had pretty good food and has been there forever

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

mrs. and i went to the DC car show saturday. it was MOBBED. wall to wall humanity.

as we stepped off the escalator a woman in her mid-late 30s was standing at the bottom causing folks to basically have to walk around her to get off the escalator.

as I walked by her she cupped her hands to her mouth and shouted IN MY EAR...... "DANNY.....DANNY!!!" and then 2 seconds later, Danny, who was standing 4 feet away appeared.

when I say "in my ear" I'm not exaggerating. my ear literally was ringing for about 10-15 seconds. I practically pooped my pants b/c i wasn't expecting someone to shout into my ear.

as i got about 5 feet away i shouted sarcastically, "THANKS!" and kept walking. case closed as far as I was concerned.

but no, she then shouted "I WAS LOOKING FOR MY SON, A-HOLE!" (right in front of the kid).

I was planning to keep walking but felt the need to turn back, take a few steps towards her and say "Nice language. The mom of the year voting is on the 2nd floor. You've got my vote".

Not my best comeback......but my ear was still ringing and I was more shocked that instead of just apologizing or ignoring me, she dropped the a-hole bomb in front of the kid. YES, I understand losing a kid for a few seconds can freak a parent out. but that doesn't mean you block the escalator and shout in people's ears without at least apologizing.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Got ahold of a female friend's cell phone tonight at dinner

She got a random text from a co-worker and I started texting the dude raunchy stuff. He ended up sending a pic of his junk to her.

It was pretty funny.

There is going to be total awkwardness at their work tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I messed up big time

My son won some tickets to a University of Evansville Women's basketball game that was played last Sunday. He didn't really want to go and I didn't feel like driving an hour down there either. My wife tried to get us to go but we went over to grandpa's woodshop instead and messed around all afternoon.

I found out today that his name was scrolled on the scoreboard during the game. He was also called down to participate in some sort of half time contest. He won the tickets in some reading contest at school. If Mrs. finds out about this, I am dead.

One winter I was working at FS

filling anhydrous tanks for farmers. I climbed up one tank with the hose in my right hand and tried to pass it to my left behind my back.

In the process, I turned the valve and it sprayed anhydrous all over the back of my legs. I howled and hauled ass across the lot to where we had a big trough full of water. I had to punch through the ice, drop my pants down around my ankles and start splashing water on the back of my legs.

It was about 30 degrees outside. Fortunately I was alone so no one saw my painful humiliation.

That night I had huge blisters on the backs of my legs and I couldn't work for several days.

About 15 years ago when I was working on soil sampling rigs,

my parents bought me a new set of Carhartt bibs and a coat for Christmas. They were great. That January I was doing some work near Ottawa, IL when it warmed up over a long weekend, got muddy and then refroze, freezing the augers to the ground (augers = fluted pipes used to drill, about 5 feet long). The drillers put a large propane torch in one end an auger in an attempt to unfreeze it. Really hot air was blowing out the other end, so I moved over in front of it to stay warm while I made some notes.

What I didn’t see were the flames from the torch were traveling all the way down the auger. After a minute or so I noticed that I had set my self on fire. The drillers helped put me out but not before the fire had burnt off the bottom front half of my new Carhart bibs. Needless to say, the drillers were amused. They had to stop working for a while to get over it.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

i have perhaps an odd and personal lesbian question

as a gross man fully aware of how nasty the thing is between my legs, i just can't imagine getting closer than an arm's distance from it.

and, as a man with probably reasonable exposure to the female "region" , i am not especially a fan. (babies come out of it...)

so my question to any possible lesbians on this board: when you got your first close-up, was that a little surreal?

kind of like feeding a burger to a cow?

Friday, January 4, 2008

So one of my toenails is kind of dead from running

and having a ski boot dropped on it a couple of years ago. It felt like it was going to fall off again, so I took of my shoe and sock to look at it and there was a dog hair stuck under it.