Friday, September 28, 2007

When I was a little kid, I used to be scared of the band KISS

I totally thought Gene Simmons, Ace Freehly and the gang were going to come to my house in their costumes and face paint and do something bad to me. Or at least I thought that such an event was a distinct possibility.

I had yellow Kiss pajamas that I refused to wear
Gene Simmons scared me too much. I was 7.

man i love soul food...

whoever decided that spaghetti is a good side dish to fried chicken, may god bless your family!!!

you are truly

the biggest and dumbest bitch i have known

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dudes with deep voices spinoff...

I'm told Lynn is the best person to get to work on a task on my project. I talk to Lynn's boss and get Lynn assigned to my project. I call Lynn to introduce myself. I tell Lynn that I was told to get 'him' on my project as he was the best at a certain task. Lynn tells me that she is a she, not a he. (I felt bad.)

Yesterday, I find out that Lynn recently had a sex change operation and that 6 months ago Lynn was actually Leonard.

Still feel bad for the mistake, but at least my hearing was okay.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

why do you feel the need to run every little halfway funny thing into the ground and disect it until it its not only not funny anymore, it is stupid and annoying.

if you want to be funny, you have to come up with new angles on things, not take one mildly funny thing and keep talking about it endlessly

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I had the cuffs slapped on one time.

A friend and I were coming home on a Sunday. A kid was smoking a Camaro and hit me. I am glad I was driving a van, He broadsided me. The local cop put cuffs on me after I failed the sobriety test. I had a concussion. Cuffs do hurt your feelings.

I pleaded guilty and the judge did a hesitation. They hustled me into court and changed my plea. It cost me 500 dollars and a bunch on insurance premiums. I passed the breath test at the police station. Always hire a lawyer before making a decision. The local judge owned rental property next to me. I talked to him about it. I think that helped!

i should finish hooking up tonight.

there could be serious worlds colliding.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

About 6 months ago, our son was still breast feeding.

My wife and I were putting our kids to bed. We were explaining to my daughter that Dad had put her to bed and Mom would put our son to bed because "Mom has the boobs" and the baby needs to eat.

My daughter started joking that she wanted to "drink from Daddy's nipples," knowing full well that she couldn't do that. So we go upstairs to put the kids to bed. While my daughter is brushing her teeth in the bathroom, I'm standing next to her using the toliet. She looks over at me and says: "Hey dad, how 'bout I drink from your penis?"

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I get my hair cut at Sport Clips.

Yeah, it's burby and all that, but my "haircut" is basically just a clip-job. The only reason I don't just do it myself is cause I don't want to clean up.

So anyway, I'm there last night and I see the Triple Play, which includes a cut and a "relaxing shampoo." I was tired of having to basically take a shower when I got home to get rid of all the hair detritus, so I decided to go for it; it was only another $3.

After the haircut is done, my "stylist" takes me back into the "Showers" and sits me down at a sink-chair. She then wets my hair and puts the shampoo in, then spends like 10 minutes massaging my head.

At this point I felt rather skeevy; I mean, this sort of thing is only a short escalator ride from "sensual massage." On the other hand, I didn't just want to be all like "Please stop touching my head; you're making me uncomfortable and just a little bonerrific." So I just sat there, feeling awkward and having pity on this poor gal who was rubbing some strange dude's head for tips.

The worst part is, there's even a level above the Triple Play that includes "relaxing neck & shoulder massage." When I told Ms. about it, she said they probably have yet another level (hidden from the casual customers) that includes a "full release."

Oh yeah, I got the hot towel, too. I was thankful cause it meant I had an excuse for my face to be red when she took it off. I'm sure it's harmless, but for somebody who's not used to it, it can feel kinda weird.

A bird pooped on my head on my way back from lunch

Awesome. I thought it was rain or spillage from a window washer
Not so much when I reached up to my head to touch it.

A bird pooped on my shoulder roughly 100 ft from the incident today roughly 2 years ago.

All right, so, God looks around and sees that pretty much everyone sucks,

all except this Noah dude. God figures, "Peh, I'm starting this thing over from scratch. You, Noah--you're the new Adam for the soggy postapocalyptic world. So, build this enormous boat thing to live in for a while. Oh, and while you're at it, can you get some animal-kingdom progenitors to hop aboard with you? Just two of each living thing, that's all. What? Dude, you're going to be surrounded by water, there will be places to put all the poop and pee. Nah, really, don't worry about the smells--I'll take care of all that. No, seriously!"

So Noah conscripts his family and gets to work on building a huge boat. I guess they didn't have much call for boats back then, or at least big ones, because his neighbors were all like, "You're nuts."

Pretty soon it starts raining, and Noah and his family and his wild kingdom board the ark. Or maybe they went in before the rain started, I've always been fuzzy on that detail.

It keeps raining and raining, to the point where all the land is covered. IOW, everything's dead except what's floating in the boat. Meanwhile, they're all getting REALLY sick of each other.

Eventually, it seems that the rain has stopped, so Noah sends a dove out a few times, and on one trip it comes back with an olive branch, which is assumed to signal that the water has gone down enough that at least one olive tree is visible. How it survived a catastrophic flood, I'm not sure. But we're talking about a whole bunch of animals and people living in a boat for a month, so I'm not gonna lose the forest for the trees here.

Then they get out and there's a rainbow.

The end!

Monday, September 10, 2007

i was once so drunk that i...

whizzed out of a car while it was heading south on 57.

puked on myself while driving

peed in the dishwasher and slept on the kitchen counter

threw up on myself and decided to sleep in the bathtub.

mattress slid all 27 flights in the watts

Tried to walk from Florence to Rome

chugged 15 cups of bambas hot sase

rode laps around a squad car on my bike telling him to look at the sky before hitting a sewer grate

branded myslef and 3 girls with red hot bottle caps

jumped a moving train freight train a rode it a block or two.

Stole a neighbor's door mat and used it to pretend I was Aladdin While singing "A Whole New World."

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


I seriously got a little choked up watching this:

amazing what kids and their computers can do.