Friday, December 29, 2006

I'm probably one of the easiest going guys you've ever met.

Crap, I even get along with my ex's b/f who was involved with her before we split up! Not to mention L.A.'s douchebag ex, POS excuse for a father.

But there is a guy who works in this firm whom I would love nothing more than to beat repeatedly with a baseball bat. This fat, lazy, arrogant prick sends me into a dark tailspin of murderous plotting every time I hear him heave a pathetic sigh of self-pity.

He easily outdistances Effin's annoying co-worker on my hate scale. In fact, he may be the only human being on the planet that I actually despise.


Thursday, December 28, 2006

anyone else feeling a lil heavy...

thanksgiving and xmas food catching up to me. i need to run more.
i have 5-7 pounds you can have...wanting to lose weight over Christmas break was probably not a realistic goal
gf calls it my seal layer of fat...she's so cute

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Dear two co-workers,

Why are you still here?!?! You obviously showed up on time. It's now almost 5:30. Go home!!!

See I showed up and hour and a half late, but I want to leave now because I have nekkid Louisville cheerleader pics I need to get home and look at. If I leave before you, then it looks like really bad form on my part.

So go home!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Ok, so I am in the bathroom stall about 10 minutes

ago just about to finish up and all of the sudden the power goes out. So I am left sitting on the pot in total darkness. I wait a minute or so hoping that it comes back on, but it doesn't. I then have to finish up feeling like Stevie Wonder hoping that I got it all off. How do blind people know when they're done wiping?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

so usually i get the buzz cut, the

anthony edwards cut if you will.

i'm toying with the idea of leaving a bit on top to sort of comb. not a combover, mind you - but something that isn't quite as short as this:

Monday, October 2, 2006

i'm so effing sick...

of Caucasians claiming to be descendants of native Americans...

"I am not full blooded but am a descendent of the Seminole tribe they never had an objection to Florida State but I think the appropriate way would be to ask Coach Sampson what he prefers and use that."

Can you prove this? If so, who gives a EFF!!! Appearance and surnames are all that matter. If you don't have a dark tint to your skin, lived on a rez or have a name like "Calf Boss Ribs" (actual Marine I knew with that last name), then STFU. Seriously.

I bet I could trace my roots back to Japan and Mesoamerican South America, but am I effing expert on their cultural issues? NO!!


Are you SO thirsty for some culture, that you are willing to grasp at straws and dna strands to give yourself some form of individuality?


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

sometimes i feel sorry for people...

who have no idea that i'm about to cut their dreams down to zilch, steal their client base and not even blink. they are so happy with their happy little system... that was update to date... 3 years ago... now they are complacent... and in i come in with something 10 times better than what they have.

you wanna see something sad... depressing. the look on a mans face when you crush his dreams and everything he's worked for.

effing business.

I feel bad… but at the same time.. you gotta keep movin.. and improving… if you don’t.. some smart ass kid is going to do you better. watch.

two years ago these people wouldn’t even give me the time of day in regards to my position and ideas, now they are all clamoring to “collaborate” with me.

To the spoils go... I say…

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Old friend just called

I might head up to his place and visit a little bit. He has been a friend of mine for about 25 years. Old friends are the best. Now I have to wake up my wife!

almost forgot: MAJOR UPDATE

my recent posting hiatus was due to me getting married and going on my honeymoon! snuck that one by you fools! (or not.)

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Projects for the weekend?

Daughters waterbill doubled to $90. Toilet stool is running after flushed. Flapper problem. She bought that new vehicle. It is the post vehicle buying depression. I will fix the stool.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Goodbye, Chicago.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Friday, July 28, 2006

So the gf just found a box of my exs old stuff..

including letters, cards and crap like that. she is not happy.

"why did you keep it?!?!"

"its not like you're getting back with her!"

"I'm going to throw all this stuff out"

"seriously WTF..."

grrrrrr... I just felt bad throwing out xmas cards and what not.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


if your spouse is using your pen to write something, and she does not like the pen and says, "this pen is fat."

do NOT respond in 2euce-like fashion by saying "you're fat."

your spouse will not think it clever or amusing at all.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

What does your laundry room look like?

My mom is going to start doing her laundry at our house. Mrs Colt is in the panic mode and doing a laundry room makeover. My mom said the last time she came to our house, and waited for the mail for us, there was only beer and orange juice to drink in the frig. I told her she had to bring her own vodka this time.

I'd love to get me one of these


I just moved and forgot to bring my deodorant from my old place. I've been about a week without it... and to be honest, I like my stink.

"its natural"

Well...I just found out I am not going to get unemployment

according to the letter we just got in the mail (my mom read it to me over the phone)...I didn't make enough to collect.


I could "get up" for her cause


I kinda want to paint my car brown with yellow and orange stripes to make it look like TC's chopper.

Monday, July 24, 2006

My favorite potatoes

Red potatoes cut in chunks with the skin on and boiled. Add butter to them on the plate. Sweet corn next to them. That is supper tonight!

Can't work weekends anymore

Almost gave up my Saturdays for the next month for another job offered by a lady. Five days a week are enough. Overtime is for young people that need money or people without a life. Mrs Colt would have worked the weekends with me. We are happy we turned her down.

So, I left a waiter a .01$ tip this weekend....

First time I've ever felt compelled to do that, as I usually am a pretty good tipper.

Upon, taking my drink order, he said he would bring us some bread and our drinks. He comes back with drinks and no bread. I wait. Next time he comes back, I ask about the bread. He says "Oh, we ran out of bread, we had a party of 90 and we ran out. Let me go check to make sure though" It was obvious at least to me, he had forgotten and was making excuses. He comes back and says the bread should be ready in 5 -10 minutes, they just put in a new batch.

He brings our meals and I'm low on iced tea, like so low it's gone. He also doesn't bring any bread. I go through my entire meal without getting a refill on my iced tea, and never seen or heard a word about bread again.

Was the .01 tip justified? I thought it was funny and hope it pissed him off.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

REFUND biatches!!

after 20 some years of paying top rate for movies at the theatre, for VHS... when DVDs came around and were digital.. it was time for payback.

I have effin credit with them...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Christians v Israel

My dad was right. Never ending conflict! My dad said they have fought since the beginning of time. He was right. My dad cursed the Jews. Cursed is a hard word. He delivered goods to their stores everyday in his truck. This conflict will not end in my liftetime. Whatever. I can't take sides in this conflict. I went to school with people of both sides of the fence. Thank goodness.

Hezbollah is Shiite Christian. We support the Shiite Christians in Iraq. They don't like the jewish community. That is a lock. I just get tired of this conflict. Will this be the end of it? I support both sides in their argument.

I remember sitting under the kitchen table. Casto went nose to nose with JFK. I listened on the radio that night. This is pea shooting! Part of our history. You talk about it time to time. We hope our leaders have restraint. It seems like who has the biggest missles. The news media does not take it serious. I hope my grandkids doen't watch the news.

I just ate four Swiss Cake Rolls

and if I weren't planning on meating a huge meal complete with tiramisu tomorrow night, I'd eat two more. At least.

Monday, July 17, 2006


Last night, I guess my mom got so drunk she fell out of a pool while trying to hop on one of those floating raft beds. I wasn't there (I hate hanging around people who get drunk EVERY DAMN DAY!!!)

Ughhh...sometimes...I am so embarrased about how hillbilly my family is.
I wasn't there...i'm going by what my mom's boyfriend said. Needless to say she has a scrape along her chin.

she was climbing into the pool on the ladder. My cousin from South Carolina, Missy, held the raft for her and when she climbed on, she missed the raft and fell out the pool. She tumbled over the side wall.

I have a hard time picturing it myself but Ron (my mom's boyfriend) insisted it happened (although it wouldn't be the first time he's pulled my leg...but my mom was all muddy when she came home last night and had a cut on her chin)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I am taking a serious break......

yes I am drunk, and this is not a weak farewell.....I will be back, but Ill be back and not in the ditant future

appar, we have water in our basement.


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Saw the Snakes on a Plane preview

I still can't believe this is a real movie.

Today has been a craptacular day

It's especially neat when multiple things go wrong in one day.

Odds on me leaving anytime soon - slim to none. That being said, being paid for overtime will be quite awesome.

I'm never up at 2:00AM on a weekday

not til 4:00. And our bathroom is at the back of the house

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Can anyone who has my phone number

please call my phone?

I've misplaced it.

way too many thoughts going through my head right now

contemplating lots of totally different things...

a lot happened last night and before church this morning

sometimes i hate the drama in my life

Friday, June 30, 2006

I must apologize

My daughter called after we came home from work. We crowded 5 days work into 4 days. She started asking my wife about babysitting, going places with her, etc. I went off! Must spend quality time with Mrs instead of just working with my wife. My daughter doesn't understand that, since she broke up with her boyfriend. I will apologize to my little girl and go on with it. Can't keep my mouth shut, like my dad.

Confession (with apologies to my mom):

(Mom, if you are reading this, I didn't mean for you to find out like this.)

When I was 13 years old, I told my mom that my sleeping bag got burned up from laying it to close to a campfire, so I had to throw it away.

Here's what really happened: My friends talked me into sneaking 2 babyfood jars full of assorted liquors from my dad's bar to our campout. To hide them, I carefully rolled them into my sleeping bag. By the time I got to my buddy's house, both jars had broken and my sleeping bad smelled like a still.

I panicked and came up with the idea to burn the evidence in the campfire that night. (Note to others who might want to try this: sleeping bags are made of some super space-age flame retardant material that can't be burned.) After the bag was done smoldering, we hid it in my buddy's hayloft, where it probably still sits today.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Cannot believe it's only midnight

This night has gone by very slowly, but I'm having a good time talking with people and drinking some scotch.

***Now drinking***

It is my sincere hope that during the 4th of July

this man's anthem celebrating freedom is played across this great nation...

I think my friend totally wants me.

First off, I need to mention that the waitress wanted me. Anyway, I've done lunch with this female friend before and it hasn't been a big deal. She seemed a little overly annoyed that the waitress was digging me, but I didn't think too much of it. Then when the check came and my friend insisted on paying. She wouldn't let me put in any money. What do you guys think?

I'm thinking this haircut is really working overtime for me. I didn't even think it was a particularly good haircut.

Don't worry, I'll leave some ladies for the rest of you.

Girls are so disgusting! :P

Got a call from our neighbor last evening (about 30ish and quite attractive). She was in a panic because water was leaking from the ceiling and her husband was on another of his long, out-of-state business trips. Well, I had just gotten out of the shower, so I threw on some shorts and ran over to her house.

I told her that she was lucky I was home because I usually work late on Wednesday nights. She said she knew I was home because she had seen me chopping some firewood in the front lawn earlier in the evening. I apologized for wearing just shorts, and explaned that I was preparing to finish the oil painting I had started a few weeks back.

I immediately thought it might be condensation leaking from her A/C unit, because I am quite handy around the house. So, I climbed up the attic ladder and found that it, indeed, was an overflowing A/C pan. In no time at all, I had emptied the pan and repaired the ceiling.

Needless to say, it was very hot in the attic. By the time I was done, rivulets of my exertion were cascading down between my chiseled pecs and rippling over my abs like a raft over whitewaters.

As I descended from the attic, she exclaimed that I was a lifesaver, and asked how she ever repay me. When I turned to tell her that repayment was not necessary, I caught her staring at my buns! She blushed and turned away. I grabbed my tool... the one I used to patch the ceiling... and went home.

Kinda creeped me out.

So, I got caught singing in the car again this morning...

yep, and it was to "Since U Been Gone."

It wouldn't have been so bad, except my windows were rolled down and so were hers.

If all I did was drink water with blue food coloring in it

for a day, would my urine be blue?

Similarly, if all I ate for a day was foods that were blue due to blue food coloring, would the poop be blue? I think it would be funny to poop and pee like a smurf for a day. Thoughts?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

boarderline drunk and the wife is pissed

that I stayed after my softball game and drank. I mean WTF am I supposed to do after softball?

We have talked this out, she is pissed because I didn't call to tell I was staying but.......women...........Good Lord, women.

I think I need to go to bed.

Embarrassing fact about me:

I always forget to return the "how're you?" Whenever somebody asks me, I always go "fine..." and then by the time I think "Idiot! Ask how THEY are!" the moment has passed.

When I'm in the men's room, the dude next to me will compliment me on my sinep, and I will completely forget to return the compliment.

And when someone says "bless you" after I sneeze I totally ignore 'em. WTF is that? Shut TF up. All I did was sneeze. Get outta my face with that sh*t.

Lower back has been hurting for a couple weeks

Shoes, bed, I don't know. Even hurt while we were riding bikes last weekend. Must have lifted something. Any suggestions?

Boys are disgusting! :P

So today I'm just walking to my car, minding my own business, and I see this one guy glance at my hips. That is SO GROSS and it creeped me out! I hope he couldn't tell that I wasn't wearing any underwear!

I was sucking on a water bottle. He probably liked that too! Dirty old man!!

lol j/k hrmph

Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser = MONEY !!!

for $2.59 I got four of these "erasers" and I was able to clean up my walls that had stains from Blue's toys, dirt, etc.....that normal cleanser wasn't able to clean.

The Magic Eraser and Goo Gone are the two things everyone needs in their house...hands down!


I enjoy the Almond variety as much as the next guy-who-used-to-like-Mars-bars, but that does NOT make up for putting caramel in the damned Crunchers!

So our cat ran away last night and as of now

is not back yet.

Is it bad, I really don't care?

Based on past cat I am sure he will show back up in a few days.

I swear if my damn phone doesn't stop ringing...

...I might get, like, really upset!

Jesus H. We've gotten like a dozen calls already today.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Guys are gross

So I'm taking advantage of the Mc Donald's Summer savings deal of 69 cents for a vanilla cone or 42 oz soft drink. I usually just get a diet coke, but today it was warm and i was kinda hungry and i'm going from babysitting to bradley to work and I thought 'i'll get a diet coke and an ice cream cone'

So I'm eating my ice cream cone at the light and I notice that the truck next to me is pulled up right beside me even though my car is several cars back. He is in the turn lane. So I think to myself 'he isn't going to get a turn signal sitting way back here' and I glance over. And what do I see but two grown men STARING at me, BOTH of them! They were at least in their 30s, probably 40s and they were watching me eat my ice cream cone! I put the cone down and looked in the mirror (giving them the benefit of the doubt that I may of some on my face or something). When it was apparent I wasn't going to be eating my cone again anytime soon they slowly rolled forward to the light.

I then continued to eat my ice cream cone.

why do parents like to get invovled?

just finished freshmen year of college and parents are still dictating life...couldnt go to chicago with this girl from school, because her parents dont kno me and im just a "guy", so you know what that means!

Monday, June 26, 2006

i hate people who don't just tell me why they are ignoring..

but i heart Law and Order SVU and my totally cute puppy Ally!!!

I also hate that I care so much too!

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Taz is hot.


It was a totally inappropriate response for the guys playing dice to pull their gats after Warren G. said "What's up?"

Just ignoring him or perhaps even inviting him to join in the fun would have resulted in far fewer bodies turning cold.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

ugh...someone is doing laundry when i need it!!

now i'm going to have to bring my clothes home to my parents house with me so I can wear what i need to on Saturday and Sunday for work!!!

Also...running and then going straight to the grocery store bad idea...almost dind't have enough cash on me!

Still need to figure out a name for the place


Why won't my wife let me wear them in public. Not as bad as wifebeater shirts.

I can't see very well today.

I'm guessing fatigue... and a general sub-par level of ocular acuity.

So this dude rolls up to me and gives me the finger guns

I have no clue who it is, so I go with the casual head nod thinkin he'll realize I am not who he thinks I am

he rolls down the window, so I do the same

He just yells..."you tha man!" and drives off

so I had to give him the guns back

either my memory is fading, or there is a random finger gun bandit in town

I hope it's B

Dear pork fried rice,

You are delicious, but could you please cool down? I really want to eat you, but your burned my mouth once, and I just don't want to get burned again.

I love you

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

One of my coworkers got engaged over the weekend.

All the other women working at the gym then proceeded to crowd around her and ask a bunch of asinine questions. The scene looked like a bunch of chickens squawking at a feed trough.

Does this always happen, or is it just my coworkers?

two songs I wish I could play on my gee-tar

Landslide (pumpkins version)
Hallelujah (Buckley version)

Both are too hard for me. :(

Today's Farmers Market haul:

3 heads of baby lettuce
sugar snap peas

I've never had sugar snap peas but I've heard they're a great snack. Is there a good way to prepare them or should I just clean them and eat them? I'm assuming it's like eating edamame... don't eat the shell. Is that right?

my new approach...

all guys are @ssholes until they prove they are not

Monday, June 12, 2006


I just want to get out of Florida there is a tropical depression and my grandpa is in the hospital!! My flight isn't until 8pm tonight!!!

Oh and it's raining out and it was suppose to be fun today!!!

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Why do I do this to myself?

Started doing some pricing for DishTV and DSL and basically was depressed to find it would cost over $100. Now granted, I don't even have the house yet and for that matter, don't even have a job lined up, but it always seems that I do this. I god....I have 15 f'n applications out there and have gotten back 3 rejection letters...and 5 or 6 that I sent out back in Mid May, I have yet to even hear a "NO" from them.

I'm truly starting to feel that I will never have steady work. Only places that have hired me are temp agencies and I'm only there about a year or so as it always seems I get put in a place that has a contract coming due soon.

Maybe it's because I refuse to do factory work or be a sales rep. I'm not a salesmen....and as for factory work...I'm about as coordinated as Chevy Chase's portrayal of Gerald Ford.


And I know I'm going to hate living with my mom and her boyfriend...can't stand his smoking...but right now I have no other alternative other than sleeping in the street. And now...I don't even know when the house I am supposed to be renting will become available. Seems like no one can make up their flipping minds anymore.

You will never believe what I just saw

in the parking lot of the local Food Lion! I saw a mother, helping her son pee in the parking lot. She was using the old, two open doors shield going on, but there he was, wetting the pavement. WTF is this world coming to.

666! Happy Prince of Darkness Day, kiddos!

colleges students love keysotn

right??????? its a great beer

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Watched the spelling bee today

A lot of Greek words. The vowels are the trick letters. I remember standing on both sides of the classroom in grade school. My wife is a good reader, but she says she cannot spell. Go figure.

so, are samir patel and bobby jain the biggest chokers

since dan and dave?

i'm sure abc is upset those two aren't in the final round for the prime time.

effing gujus...

desi kids can be southie or guju or pnujabi or a whole bunch of other types. i would say southies and bengalis are the most intellectual as a whole. i wouldn't go so far as to say the "brains." it's amazing some of the business decisions i've seen some of these people make (of course, that's the guju in me speaking.)

i think a lot of that correlates to how the cultures treated the english language after the british left. while south indians and bengalis kept teaching english in schools, there was a backlash in gujurat. of course, the stereotypes of gujus and maharastrans being more businesslike and southies and bengalis being more intellectual goes back before british rule.

of course, then you have the jains, whom joel kotkin called the jews of india. supposedly got the brains and the dimes. my family only got the former.

So I need some advice re: rent...

I found this place last night that I posted about last night. I love it. It has everything I want and the girl that owns the house seems really cool and I think we'd get along well. At the end of the tour, she tells me all about herself and her family and then she lays the cost of rent on me. It's a little more than I'm wanting to pay (honestly I'm not quite sure at the moment how I'll afford it), but I just said "ok."

I'm not much of a negotiator, but do you think it's worth me asking if she'll knock off $50 or so?

Sidenote: the part that really got me was when she said she could afford to pay the mortgage on her own, but she's hoping to buy a BMW by next May... makes me less sympathetic...

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I am not very busy at the cracker factory.

Our 10 year old is FINALLY swinging the bat HARD at bat

in games now.

he would swing hard in BP, then slow down his swing in order to make contact. oh, and wait and swing half an hour late.

last game, while in the on deck circle, he got drilled in the back by a foul ball bouncing off the dugout facade. he turned and looked at me (sitting in the dugout), and i said, "good, maybe now you'll get pi$$ed and swing hard at the ball."

i think it made him mad. he went up and pulled one into right.

last night, he hit the ball hard 4 times, went 3-4 with 2 RBIs. 2 doubles, a pop out (dropped his hands), and a single.

he clobbered one right back up the middle - a line drive right at the pitcher's face. the pitcher threw up his glove, and the ball knocked the glove off the pitcher's hand!

as the official scorer, i gave him a hit.

Dear really hot girl at one of my accounts,


I saw you checking out my orange tie, I know you liked it. Yeah, you're engaged, but so what? He don't gots to know. If you were any more in my wheel house we'd be playing put-put right now.

Is there a good reason I stayed out tonight til 4?

Nope. effin alcohol

Sheet... We just had real lightning!

It rocked the house.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Yes, I'm so C-Blocking my one of my good friend on sunday...

eff him he knew he was going to entering dark territory when he atttempts to get my #1 on feasible attainable list. I hope she comes to the party gnikcuf tahssa! Meanwhile, I'm going to try to hookup wih the sorta suicide girl tommorrow hopefully get her to come to the party she knows the guy better afterall he was her student teacher my her seniro yer.

Eat it Douche! FYI: I'm drunk butb not sheets drunk more like Buzzed but I can only squit. aweasome.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Money in my pocket!

Done and paid. The guy offered us a ride on his John Deere gator to view his property. We were too wiped out from painting high walls today. I will have a few miller lites, go to bed early, and rest. Must prepare for the trip to the forest. Saving a lot of money going the week after the holiday. I know I am tight on certain things. Priorities!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Coors Light Song (Babe Ruth version) ounce bats...
wearing lots of hats...
using mustache wax...
and no blacks!

I...LOVE...slatterns with large rumps!
dying young of mumps!
lousy Irish drunks!
and no blacks!


Dinner is served

Mom just called and told me she is bringing over a pot of green beans, potatoes, and polish sausage. Mrs and I are still wiped out from oil priming walls yesterday. Homemade cooking will taste good!

Pot of food just arrived. Talked with mom about an hour. Gave her some wax to rub out a spot on her door. The car in the next spot put a mark on her door at the highrise. Gave her the typical bearhug before she left. I have three women in my life: Wife,mother, and daughter. That is plenty.

so i'm wandering around singing "new kid in town"

i was mainly just singing the chorus. anyway, the six year old is sitting at the table eating his cereal, and i say, "hey sixyearold, guess what?"


*sings* "there's a new kid in town..."

sixyearold: "who is it?"

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I'm freaking sick of soft food.

List of foods to have when I'm fully recovered:
Whole Fruit

Damn it, I'm impatient.

My daughter just bought an Apple computer

She was influenced by her boyfriend, who uses one at work for his computer related designing job. She said it was different. She uses Windows at her insurance company job. She wants her kids to learn to use both systems in grade school. My ex daughter-in-law pushed Windows because of her IBM job. As long as I get along with them, who cares?

Seriously, when did Thora Birch get all growed up?

old sty le

holy @#%$ g;uys, old styles pretty effin good. i really like it. thats my new effin beer. woo old style

look im sitll in high school but alls my freinds have bene saying is how bad it is....@#%$ man that is good stuff.

hey im garduating in like 3 days Uof I baby redmans good stuff too

Friday, May 19, 2006

Got an email apology

for that email response re: "snatches"

Turns out it was the girl's asshat husband who sent it while drinky. Either way, this "apology" stinks (and was forced by his wife)

Has anyone ever had a “few too many beers” and regretted something they did the night before? Ya know, like …sleeping with a guy named Steve, signing up for EEE, rushing the Theta house, experimenting with bi-sexuality, sticking things up your ass…..? Anyway, the point is I don’t need a 12-pack as an excuse for doing something stupid (please see email message below).

Amber – I apologize if you were offended by the words “fucck’n” and “bitch” and the use of them together. I don’t know you and obviously wouldn’t know if you are a bitch or not…..the point is, I thought my email response was funny at the time (because Angie would never say anything like that…think it maybe, but never say it)…..I don’t think you are a loser – maybe after your trip to Vegas, but not the type of person who has a big “L” on their forehead….again, you might be – but I don’t know you. Finally, the last part of the email that I want to apologize for is the part about eating snatches (another word for @#%$). I thought it would. be funny to pay your debt by performing a sexual act in exchange for airfare/hotel/etc….again – this is funny to a guy …..HEY – what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Some of the people that were CC’d on this email know me and understand that I lack common sense and hopefully were not too offended by my little prank. To those who don’t know me, you probably will think that I am a jerk or retarded (no offense to those who are mentally challenged)….the truth is, I can be a jerk, but I was trying to add some comic relief to my otherwise stressful life (at the moment)… your expense

I was asked by Angie to send an apology to everyone because I was told I offended some people. To those people, I am really sorry….

To those who were not offended, @#%$ off – you should be offended!!! I mean come on – I called a person I don’t know a @#%$’n bitch…that is rude and if you thought it was funny, you must be a cold-hearted bitch. (I wrote that so that I could be asked to write another email on Angie’s computer to apologize again)… the way, writing things on other people’s email is pretty fun…kind of like wearing you wife’s underwear when she is not home…..or finding out what all the buttons do with that vibrator with the jelly beans inside it……anyway, I promise I won’t so it again.

If anyone wants to send me a reply, I can be reached at [editted out]

Have fun in Las Vegas and take good care of my lovely wife (she is the most important person in my life and deserves a great time away from this crazy household). Angie – I am sorry if this is not what you expected…..

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i'm f*cking sick of this s*it

i will they get their heads out their a**es and stop these personal attacks on me all the time.

f*ck this board

Was given two week notice (finally definate) today

over the phone (I work Wednesday-Saturday, 3rd shift). They are moving out what we normally do and bringing in new equipment and people who are familiar with the job. Based on senority...I'm odd man on the totum pole (only been there a year a half while others have 5, 6, 7 years on me)

Here's my question....should I go off on a rant on my final day, or should I play it cool?

I'm not saying I'm going to

I'm going to play it cool for now...but if they decide to play and push my buttons...I have no idea what might come out of my big mouth (as many people here may know...I have somewhat of a temper and short fuse)...but it could be worse. Ask my childhood best friend Scottie.

Here's what happened (I don't know if I told this story before or not):

About the age of 9 or 10, Scott did something to really anger me (I still to this day don't remember what it was). I grabbed a bottle of charcoal fluid and a box of matches and tried to set him ablaze ( I don't condone my fact, I spent a few weeks talking to an anger management counselor regarding that). It took my dad to basically tackle me while I was still squirting the bottle (by this time Scott had run the 5 blocks to his house that would make new world record holder Justin Gatlin blush). I've grown out of that violent, impulsive temper...but it's still there. Just now...I'm able to control it before it gets out of control

Monday, May 15, 2006

This weekend I realized that I don't really like playing... I also realized I REALLY dislike Texas Hold'em.

Exciting fold action!!!

I rather just spend my $50 drinking. That's a Saturday night I'm never getting back.

So I tried a spray-on tanner this weekend

My feet look like I have some weird disease. You can actually see the drip lines on them. Hence why I look like I have some sort of skin pigment discoloration disease or something.

It's a small price to pay for the rest of my body looking tan.

Other than that, I think with a little more practice, I can get it to look like a pretty good tan. I like being tan without all the hours in the sun and the risk of skin cancer.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Here's my resume

*note that it doesn't look like this on paper. It distorts when you copy and paste into a text box.


Bachelor of Business Administration Degree-Management, Robert Morris College
April 2000

Associate in Applied Science Degree-Computer Networking, Robert Morris College
December 1998


Tape Services, State Farm Insurance (Spherion Personnel) November, 2004-Present
Filed away tapes after they ran through tape machines. Boxed up tapes being designated for vaulting purposes. Printed out reports of tapes ran and tapes that are to return to the site. Alerted proper personnel when problems arose with the tape machines or servers.

Handyman June 2002-November 2003
Performed lawn care, computer work, painting, transportation, and house sitting duties to residents of Middletown.

Illinois Department of Revenue (Express Personnel) January 2001-December 2001
Counted inventory around building and made sure items were as listed. Items not on inventory checklist were added on. Scanned tax returns that had a 2D bar code on them. Sorted tax returns based on established criteria. Labeled tax returns with a routing number. Batched tax returns and filed them in correct areas. Detached checks from returns and verified that information was correct.

Computer Assistant, Robert Morris College January 1999-April 2000
Created databases for supplies, license plates, and all items in storage. Wrote memos to members of the faculty and staff. Maintained departmental records and information on computer system.

Library Assistant, Robert Morris College September 1997-December 1998
Assisted the faculty and students with library resources. Checked out materials for students, faculty, and staff via network database. Sorted and coded incoming materials accordingly. Opened and closed library as requested. Issued student identification cards to new students.

Sales Clerk, Lincoln Community High School December 1996-May 1997
Worked in school store as part of marketing class project. Sold school supplies and other items to students, faculty, and staff. Counted weekly income. Maintained inventory. Filed inventory request forms when supply of product was low. Assisted with pricing of products and with development of selling strategy.


Marketing Intern, Morgan Stanley Dean Witter February 2000-April 2000
Arranged speaking engagements for financial advisor. Created worksheets for seminars. Mailed invitations and notices to current and prospective clients. Helped maintain client database. Researched financial accounts and completed gain/loss summaries to send to account holders.

Computer Instructor, The Salvation Army January 1998-June 1998
Instructed and assisted residents with typing and computer programs necessary to find employment outside of the organization.


* HTML * Microsoft Word * Windows 95/98/XP * Microsoft PowerPoint *Microsoft Outlook here's the story

I was coming home from the bars...and I was a block away from home.

There's the apartment complex there on 2nd/Chalmers and they have an underground garage. I tried to jump over it and the last thing I remember is landing and then feeling a ton of pain. I crippled over to the ground.

My friend called 911/the hospital to get an ambulance, but I told them that it's probably just a sprain and to not bother with that. Even though I am absolutely terrified of hospitals, I realized that with the pain I was in, that I probably had done something pretty bad. I have some friends help me to my truck and they drive me to the hospital.

I get there and then I see some blood on my leg, especially around my ankle with a couple of really big bumps (I was hoping they weren't bones trying to poke through, but as I found was).

They took some x-rays and the doc came back to tell me that I hadn't only broken my ankle on one side, I actually had broken the other side as well. So...two broken bones in my ankle.

Before I got to the hospital, I tried to get a hold of my parents and also my boss and his wife because I'm supposed to work tomorrow morning. They gave me a makeshift cast and an orthopedic surgeon is going to call me in the next few days. I'm probably going to have to have surgery in the near future on my left ankle.

It really sucks...I was so happy about all the new health food and all the working out I was going to do this summer...but now I'm going to be in a cast for at least two months. :(

They gave me some drugs, but I cannot take any of them tonight. Told me if I took any of them tonight, I'd probably die (I have been drinking). So...I get to deal with the pain tonight and can take some drugs for the pain sometime tomorrow afternoon. :(

So...yeah, that's the update. Two broken bones in my left ankle and surgery to come soon. :(

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Little help

could some of you in the Central Illinois area keep an eye out for any jobs opening up? Reason is the contract is expiring here in 2 to 4 weeks at my current job (haven't been told exactly when but have been told it is in the immediate future) and I can't be out of work too long because I need to build up some money in order to get an apartment pretty soon.

Also, if you could also keep an eye out on possible apartments for rent? I would really appreciate it since I can't look at everything or know of everything.

Thanks guys and gals!

Friday, May 12, 2006

So I'm thinking about giving up beer for a month

Now that school is done for the semester, I really think I need to try some type of diet. I'm tired of being unhealthy and am so serious about it that one of my options is giving up beer for a while.

Any suggestions for helping me with my beer gut (minus the obvious of doing a lot of sit ups and crunches)?

I also need to find a way to eat healthier without spending a whole lot on food. What are some cheap, healthy things to eat?

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

So, a coworker of mine was up to no good

The office next door to ours has this dude in their window, inside their space.

A couple weeks ago, we dared a coworker to steal it. He'd try everyday to steal it, but never was able to. He eventually did.

We've put him in this disguise in case they ever come looking for him:

We started to wonder if they even know he's gone. Another options we've considered (before the disguise): putting him on the elevator, pushing a couple of buttons for him to stop on the way down.

Dear late 30's guy in Zas....

Just cause I'm standing next to your 20 something girlfriend to get my food, doesn't mean I want to jump her bones. She asked me about my tshirt and you proceeded to make out with her, which everyone including her, thought was uncomfortable.

If I wanted your little gold digger chicken head, I would have taken her.


Thank you, now go pick your salad you rabbit.

I tried making ranch dressing again last night

This version is edible but still not what I'm looking for. This attempt's ingredients:

Hidden Vally Ranch salad dressing packet
sour cream

I think it's something in the Hidden Valley Ranch packet that's giving it the flavor I don't like. I wish Chili's would just post whatever it is that they do for their ranch dressing. It's awesome.

Monday, May 8, 2006


1. I have a date Wednesday night.
2. It's at a dive-y bar, and the chick is pleased to hear that.
3. She already wants to wager on board games, as she's apparently very competitive.

my birthday haul

paid by...myself (how sad and pathetic am I?)

Panasonic Portable CD Player with remote control included

Wireless Music Adapter for the car (so I can play the CD player through my stereo speakers

pack of AAA batteries

Guns N Roses Greatest Hits

box of Runts candy

also went to dinner with the Longhorn Steakhouse right by White Oaks Mall

Thursday, May 4, 2006

The ice cream truck just came by my house

A little bit early I think for that. Playing the same song. My cousin drove one, that was a bicycle type. It had a motor. All his ice cream melted after he drove it all day.

So if you're gonna invite a friend over to play games...

for Friday or Saturday night, should you invite in advance (aka tonight) or just wait til said night (fri or sat)?


yes i am aware this is a stupid question...

Elderly lady

My neighbor across the street is in her 80's and goes on a bus thing to the quad cities every thursday to go on a gambling boat. She left her garage door open all day. I noticed it when we left for work. Should I just go over and shut it? Nice lady and we know her very well and have worked for her.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Pick and choosing customers

We are going to work for my dads former kidney doctor. He took us for a ride on his Deere Gator and showed us his peoperty last time we worked for him. People are fun when they retire.

Dear young lass in front of me at schnucks

your butt was a little too large for your shorts, and i like that. put back the kashi, you can stand to let it jiggle just a LITTLE more. see you in the harvest bread aisle same time next week. yeah, that's right, that was a hungry man dinner in my cart. we can split it over some new music i downloaded today. let's be friends.

check this box if you like me [ ]

Sunday, April 30, 2006

my facore part of the nighy1

as we left teh highdve. my buddy and i and two chicks flashed a few friends eating at jupiters. needless to say, i didn't lok for the areacings of the people inside...i looked at teh sbob of the girls falshing

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Words can not express my hatred towards the Cubs

May Glendon Rusch blow out his arm. Same goes for Will Ohman.

For having such a supposedly great bullpen, for Will Ohman to be in the majors is all the proof that I need that this BP sucks.

And once again, the great Dale Davis has the Cubs number.

Nice job of hitting into 23 double plays today.

And yet, 7th inning, and there are still 25,000 people sitting there, in the rain, watching this game.

Cub fans that pay to go to Wrigley are truly pathetic.

Have not paid for a ticket at Wrigley since 2000. Don't plan on breaking that streak any time soon.

Well, it was totally a non-date (LONG UPDATE)

The night started out slightly different than initially planned. Everyone was SUPPOSED to come to my house, so I diligently cleaned and sprayed Frebreeze allergen reducer all around (my date is somewhat allergic to my cats), made it look halfway decent, and my friend calls. Her date is running late (he's a fireman in addition to a farmer and he had a call but he was on his way), so could we maybe go to her place once my 'date' got to my place. So, okay, that's fine. Then we were all going to carpool together but lucky my friend's date wanted alone time with my friend so he opted that we take 2 cars. So while this looks up for me since I'm having alone time with my 'date' I don't really know how well it goes. We do talk, it's not silence or anything.

Then we get to the play RIGHT before it starts. So the play is pretty good. Amusing. It was Shakespeare's Love's Labor's Lost but set in the 60s with 60s song numbers scattered throughout (but dialogue was the same). No touching of hands or anything. I was definitely kinda turned towards him (legs crossed) and we seemed to laugh at the same VERY DIRTY innuendo, while our counterparts either didn't get it or didn't find it amusing (i'm guessing neither got them). At intermission we didn't really talk much. My friend and her date were chatting away and my date was on the other side of the room and once i worked my way there, he started going to the other side (unsure if that was intentional, but I was thinking 'fine i might as well been the 3rd wheel' and i went into this lil art gallery room alone. But it seemed like my 'date' then followed me in there. He then ran into someone we know from church (an adult so now it will surely get back to his mother that we were together), so I came over and talked to both of them then we went back to our seat.

After the show again the two lovebirds were talking and my 'date' and i were behind them so I say 'now what?' to him, and so he repeats it louder so those in front hear us. And they stop, and my date says he hasn't eaten since lunch and he's hungry. It's nearly 11, so I say we need a 24 hr place. And not wanting to go to Steak and Shake again (we seem to always end up there). I say I feel like breakfast. My 'date' agrees that breakfast is good and should we go to Denny's or IHOP. My friend's date decides on IHOP.

So we spend nearly 2 hrs at IHOP talking about various things, like the play, and cartoons. My date tries a spoonful of all the syrups. I even joked with him a bit and things were going well and seeming sort of datish, but then when the lady came to ask if it would be on two checks, he put up four fingers. :P However, then my friend's date proceeded to pay for her, while my 'date' didn't even offer (of course since it was his idea for 4). Also he never offered to pay for his play ticket. Not that I was going to let him, but I had the perfect line set up if he tried. I was going to say 'well you owe me one' if he tried. But neither did my friend or her date offer to pay for THIER tickets, so I just took out 3 people to a play. I will see them all again tomorrow, but I don't know if I should even ask. Everyone enjoyed the play, but it was my initial idea to go. Dunno. I was under the impression my friend's date was paying for her and my friend.

On the way home he called his friend who apparently needed the van he was using to drive to st. louis tomorrow. He told his friend he had to 'drop his friend liz off then he'd be there in 10-15 minutes' So much for my 'do you want to come in' line (granted it was 1am). But that led us to talking about proms (because the friend needed the van for a formal in st. louis). When we got to my house, I thanked him for coming and he said he had a fun time and I said i did too. He then asked if I would be at the conference tomorrow and I said I'd be there late (i have my state school counseling exam tomorrow). He said he'd see me then and I said okay see u then. I got out, he did wait to leave until I got in the house, so that was nice I guess.

Anyway, all in all not very date-like in my opinion. :P

Bah humbug.

Friday, April 28, 2006

I couldn't remember if I told that story or not

50-freakin-dollars for a freakin bra????

I'm actually wearing it right now. Meh. It's nice and I like it but it's not $50 nice and I don't $50 like it. I need to get to Kohl's now that I know what size I should be wearing. That was the only reason I went into VS - sizing. The chicks there were nice enough (although VERY sales-pushy) so I felt obligated to buy one bra from them. But that's it. I have no interest in their credit card or the $1000 I can save over the next year (yeah, if I SPEND $1000 on underwear).

Overall, my VS review: too expensive-y for freakin underwear

best birthday present yet:

maybe i can get him working on the spiders in the house?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Saved By the Bell. On. Now.

So I got flipped off by an old lady today at Meijer

I was waiting to pull into a parking spot, had my turning signal on and everything. She pulls up just as I'm pulling in and gets pissed that I took the space. She shot me the bird. I laughed and she got even madder and started yelling at me. Lot's of feisty old women these days.

I hate to say it but Kellie needs to go.

That was awful.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Dear sick germs......

please go away never to return again. In return, I will stop using special cleaners which only taunt you instead of kill you.

You have made the last 4 days more miserable for me than I can fully express in words. You have rendered food tasteless and painfull among other terrifying symptoms. I hate you.

Yours truly

So I just made a bet with a co-worker

Both of us agreed to wear the same clothes/outfit all week.Exceptions: all undergarments may be changed. Shoes may also be changed (as I have sandals on today, and it's not going to be quite as nice tomorrow).This should be interesting


sometimes i have extreme hatred for bicyclers in the city.

many slow down traffic, most don't bother with traffic lights/signs, etc....there should be some sort of minimum proficiency test for anyone who wants to commute via bicycle in the city. drivers have to be certified, why not bikers?

eventually i get over it....but, man, sometimes i want the bus driver to clip one. just a nudge to let 'em know who's boss.

and, if you're on a f'ing moped, and you cut in front of a bunch of cars while traffic is stopped at a light, that should be grounds for a free vigilante beating.

that is all.


When I was a kid, I took the Adam West Batman show 100% seriously.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Guess what time it is...

Narnia time biatches!!!

Thank you NetFlix.

I hope this helps

I got a call late one night from an officer that my son backed my car into a lake while he was making out with his girlfriend. Mrs ran thru 2 of my garage doors. My teenage son wrecked my Suburban totally. It did save his life, though with a one piece frame. My daughter wrecked my family Ford her 3rd yr of high school. They are all older. I hope this post helps.

Friday, April 21, 2006

*now making*

sugar water for my hummingbird feeder!

Pop Tarts

WHY in the world would they package two pop tarts in one foil wrap, when the serving size is only ONE pop tart?

It's been almost 24 hours since the Tubgirl pic....

And I'm still not right.

No fooling around, I lost a couple hours of sleep last night because of it. I simply couldn't get the picture out of my head.

That deplorable vision, when combined with a bad case of gas thanks to some Italian sausage, was indescribably nauseating.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


where do you hang out? Seriously, I see you at lunch in a pack of color clad cuteness, or running from here to there. Yet never in a approachable place. You MUST unwind somehow. There can't be THAT many single docs to catch for a little stirrup sexin. Your ponytail wearing, taught scrubs fittin little minxes, oh how you evade me.

I bet you have the best stories

I hate toilet splash up

I figured out one reason I hate public restrooms. It is because of the spalsh from taking a #2 which inevitably hits my ssa. At least at home, I know it is my own toilet water and not some residual filth from a stranger contact my buttocks.
I took a dump at work and now going to go home and wash up.

Almost every day, around this time

I get an amazingly violent surge of anger. I've beaten my desk halfway to hell. What is wrong with me?

Okay, this is pissing me off....

I goggled "Tubgirl" and "goatse", and I'm not getting anything even remotely heinous...

Damnit, it may be sick and disturbing, but I want to see...


OHHHH! Sweet Jesus!
That is the worst effin' thing I've ever seen.
I am not a better man for having seen that.

This picture makes me giggle like a fool.

Broke a bra

Like I don't know any better at this point in my life than to put it in the washing machine. I hate my laziness.

Open Mic Night was a success!

Felt good.

Rock stardom may yet be in the cards.

I have drank a lot of beers tonight.

My g/f could barely contain herself.

It was awesome.

*Going to bed now*

It's definitely in my best interests. I even had the girl I'm into drunkenly talking to me.

I'm very surprised as to how well I've been typing tonight. My tolerance must have really gone up lately.

Cannot wait for the wake and bake tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Old couple we worked for

The guy said there is watermelon and beer in the frig. After we were done that day, he offered us a cocktail. They didn't think they payed us enough, so they took us out for dinner that night at a nice place. Our middle class neighborhood looked when they picked us up for dinner in their new Lincoln. Early 80's

You wouldn't think it works... but it does

but it does..

Me: I've decided I'm not interested in you anymore

Girl: *laughs*

(awkward silence)

Girl: ... what..

Girl: ... ok...

(conversation continues on other subjects)

Girl: so why aren't you interested in me...

Me: cuase I told you I was a while ago, that I was... and you decided to not act on it and I don't have time to wait around for you to come around.."

Girl: well thats because you [multiple stories that I'm a whore and that I wasn't really interested, just saying that]

Me: No, I really was... but you didn't call, didn't email,... so whatever. I'm not mad, I'm just letting you know that I look at you now.. in a totally platonic light.

Girl: Thats not fair... [more excuses]

Me: Oh, its not?!?! Well, you had ample time to explore your feelings and come to a decision. I very rarely tell girls that I would really like to get to know them more than a friend, but I did you... and you didn't take action. Nothing wrong with it,... so lets not lie to ourselves.

Girl: So you're saying I missed out... on possible a good relationship?

Me: No, we have a good relationship... as friends.... but I just don't want to date you anymore. What we could have had, had you wanted to, doesn't matter now. Your decision.

Girl: Ok..then why do I feel like you're leaving me?

Me: I'm not... you're just not the object of my desire. Not hard babe.

Girl: Ok.

(conversation continues on other subjects)

Girl: I still don't understand why you don't want me. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Is this something that we can work out?

SF: *Sigh* Listen... don't worry about it. You're a great girl and a great friend, but I just wanted to clear the air and let you know that I'm your buddy... and thats it.

Girl: This isn't fair Me

Me: Its perfectly fair,... I gave you a chance and you didn't act. Its life.

Girl: Whatever.. I gotta go.


(20 min later celly rings)

Girl: Listen, I know what you said… and it makes sense. I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I did really want to get to know you. I’ve just been so busy I haven’t had the time to really think about it.

Me: Ok

Girl: Ok…

Me: So what are you saying?

Girl: I don’t know

Me: Ok

Girl: @#%$. Why do I feel like I’m 16 again?

Me: Maybe cause you’re making this harder than it is.

Girl: I know… I think we both are.

(awkward silence)

Girl: What are you doing Friday night?

What is the purpose of this story? To prove that women only want you, when they know they can’t have you or that you’re not interested. I kinda felt that it was the truth, but it wasn’t until I was this upfront about it, that I realized it was a solid fact.

Flame away ladies and gents.

I've been sucked in, now I'm even starting to vote!

This is the 1st season I've watched American Idol from the beginning, and now I'm hooked.

Prettyboy Ace has got to go soon, but I think tonight it's going to be Elliott. The guy can sing pretty well, but has no stage presence.

Shocking confession

I kept hearing the word "tubgirl" used all over the place by people in public over the past few weeks and I didn't think much of it. But after a while, I started wondering about who tubgirl is. So last night I decided to look it up on the internet. Now I'll never be the same. I have to confess that I'll never be able to eat Butterscotch pudding again...........


Public transportaiton rant of the day

If I'm one of the bigger MF'ers on the train, and you get on at a later stop, and you're sorta big, too, and there are plenty of empty seats, some by pretty women, why the eff would you sit by me? Do you really enjoy rubbing legs and shoulders with me for 45 minutes? Because I didn't like it. Not one bit.

Little Giant ladders

We bought a Werner similar to the one on TV ad. Using it in a bathroom with 15 ft ceiling, a loft for a weightroom, and a whirlpool in the next room. I thought I was getting good with it, like on the commercials. Pulled out the locks, and down it came on my small toe! It is a thinking man's ladder. Great tool. Smashed the same toe, I almost broke a couple weeks ago.


I have watched the show Blow Out since it's creation, and I LOL at MINIMUM 3 times an episode

why can't people understand that all he wants to do is make great hair

not many people in this world can do this

if you are keeping score at home

Bad Hair - 0
Jonathan - 1 million

bangladesh dude!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Anyone been to Kansas?

All I know is from watching the Wizard of Oz. I have a feeling it's changed since then...I hope.

my work is something else...

they had a pizza party when i first got work because of the good work we did on the last office depot job. the thing is, that half hour that we had for the pizza party, took away our lunch time. we only had an 8 minute break for lunch instead of a half hour. It felt like the shift took forever.

Is everyone else as excited as me

about getting the new Jimmy Buffett CD after work today? I guess it's not actually a Buffett CD since it's a soundtrack and only about half the songs are his, but it still should be cool. I'm really looking forward to hearing his covers of "Werewolves in London" and "Wondering Where the Lions Are", as well as his remake of his own song "Floridays". Only two new songs by him, but I'm looking forward to those too.

Greatest all time G.I. Joe vehicle

All-time LOCK

If this didn't go first in the vehicle portion of your friends' G.I. Joe draft, you needed better friends.

please interpret the following statement:

"Jeans or denim slacks, skirts or jackets of any color are not allowed at the club."

lets clear the air here about the fan situation....

Peiople have said that cardinals fans are the best. yes, curent and past cardinals players have said it also, like Mcgwire,Edmonds and rolen and so on. I think their opinion does mean alot because they have played in other cities one way or another. I think their opinion would mean alot because tyhey have seen it all from other fans. Tim McCarver also has said the cardinals have the best baseball fans and i dont care if he did play for the Cardinals or not. He is a Mets announcer now also and he still believes the cardinals fans are the best. gammons has said it also, and i dont care how it was said or refferred too.The Sporting News also said they were the best. Once again, i dont care where they are based, the bottom line is, they said they were the best. current cardinals announcer wayne hagan also said it just the other day that the cardinals fans were the best. BTW, he wasn't a cardinals announcer for very long, he came from colorado. i gave some examples of this and if you cub fans dont like it, kiss my ASS!!!!

put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Dear MySpace people

don't holler if you're a dude, a woman with kids or a band.

Thank you.

Just bought...

with the lotion and face wash. I smell goooooooooooooood.

I've had the ghey... well.. according to my ex. She made me that way. Style only.

Got hit by a golf ball for the first time this weekend.

What really sucks, is that it was my own! Stupid tree, now I have Top-Flite branded on my side.

Wives are great!

Yesterday, I gut busted by the lovely and talented Mrs. for looking down her blouse (she was showing a lot), and she didn't even chastise me.


I'm now married. And really effing tired.

anyone had cake from Costco?

was it good? Bday invitations for the soon-to-be-FIVE-yr-olds go out today.

Ran in the 100th Boston

and I'm the anti-runner.

Boston had a lottery that year that allowed non-qualifiers to run. After making a drunken claim that I would enter the lottery, I decided to followed through on it. My first training run was the Race for the Cure 5K, where I promptly ended my quest by injuring my knee, rendering me unable to run for several months.

I forgot all about the marathon until I received notice that I was selected just a couple of months before the race. I hadn't run since my injury, but decided to run in the marathon anyway. I managed to crank out 10 miles (I was hoping for at least 5). I was in a world of hurt for at least a week afterwards.

PSA, the hot water side of the water cooler might be

the single greatest innovation in mankind's struggle for readily available hot beverages.

Works great for oatmeal as well.

TV Pet Peeves:

So I was watching Fellowship of the Ring for a few minutes yesterday. I just started watching before they went into Moria. Basically I was just watching to see Gandolf confront the Balrog on the bridge (I think that is a cool scene). Just when we get to that scene, my wife comes in the room and talks to me during the entire scene, spoiling it grrrrrrrrrrrr

The other issue I have is that USA network has started shrinking the screen and running ads at the bottom grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

remember my cat story with my neighbors?

apparently they are going to move because of this they have an open house sign in the front yard. how weird is that? they are going to move just because i havent gotten rid of the cats. Also, what kinda threat is that when the neighbor lady says." either get rid of the cats we will do something about it". verry VERY lame!. like this going to bother me in any way.

I saw Ron Jeremy at the ATL airport today.

He was wearing a shirt that said "I (heart) PETA"

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter menu

Potato salad, baked beans, and fried chicken. Bringing in KFC for the chicken. Talking about rain in the area. Dessert will be angel food cake with strawberries. Mrs Colt made a bunch of cupcakes for the kids. I am now tired of filling plastic eggs with candy!

Friday, April 14, 2006

One week from today...

I'll be on a beach in Cancun. That keeps me going.

I reinterate

Today sucks and needs to end as soon as possible.

Who would have thought the last few days of the week leading into the weekend (including the weekend) would suck.


I hate today.

I hated yesterday.

I hate this week.

I hate 2006.

Sadly, this did not blow off enough steam for me and I only have one beer at home.

2006 sucks.

Oh no wait, I lied.

i present a worthless post

So I am tryin on costumes this morning, like the pink gorilla one featured a few threads down and have a flashback to when i used to have to dress up like an ant when i worked at ants in thier pants....which THEN reminds me of my wierd boss who used to creep me out, everytime i came into work she always asked me "how's fudd"

then i really started delving into the noodle to remember why i named my first time and girlfriend "fudd", because she spoke just fine

this has been bothering me since then, and i have "kill the wabbit" running though my head

Just ate the last...

Writing is thinking on paper.

Lucky numbers: 17, 28, 5, 31, 10, 47

Squid: You-yu

There are lots of things I'd like to know how to say in Chinese before "squid."

3 yards of cedar mulch on the way

I hope it doesn't rain soon.

last year we ordered 4 and they delivered SIX! this year we are just filling in the gaps.

I played full court basketball for about 2 hours last night.

I'm effing crippled this morning.

The good part is, every time I do this I get sympathy back rubs from the g/f! w00t!

paterfamilias > Dave Kingman >>>>> dirty h

i think i'm branding cattle tomorrow

or whatever you call it.

hope mrs. and the kiddies don't get too close.

I've decided to swear off sesinep for awhile, should i:

1. stand by a keg til the end of the night every time i need a slump buster?
2. be confident in being single
3. choose to be a lesbian

this is really tough for me to say

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on that slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit

i never felt comfortable around anyone before to say that

would someone please entertain me?


so nice outside


I do not want to be at work today!!! I almost want to go running even though I really should take today off of exercise completely!!!

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain

inexplicably in my head

Ug...I hate when certain late night calls....

...don't pan out.

I want some steak n shake but I'm too drunk to drive

that is all.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

a lot of talk about nuclear war

Have you ever seen a bomb shelter?

Time for a road trip

Heading down to Shawnee National Forest. April is a tough month with taxes, birthdays, Easter, etc. Nothing better than hiking for a week to calm the nerves.

My Granddaughter just stopped by

I get mad when my kids drop their children off. Then I melt when I listen to them talk. Don't enroll your children in activities, unless you attend them!

just reffed a basketball game in my office between 2

little dudes


1 point baskets
make it take it
no hanging on the rim
no out of bounds


5 minutes later, the question, do you have anything i can jump off of?

my answer, SURE

*hands over office chair*

wheels kinda effed that effort up....oops


From O. Manager:

The refrigerator in main Kitchen is not currently an inviting place for food storage. It is not clean, and the smells that emanate from the fridge when the door opens . . . Well, use your imagination.

We will initiate a weekly housekeeping plan for the big fridge, beginning today.

Every Sunday - the janitorial crew will throw away any items which are not marked to save. After the bad stuff is discarded, the janitorial crew will clean and sanitize the fridge.

Colored labels + Sharpie pen will be kept on the shelf beside the fridge. If you have item(s) that you want to save, you must mark the item with a label and the date of current w/e on Saturday. The janitor will throw away any items which are not marked with a color label bearing the current week's date. For example, for this week, you will mark items to be saved with a color label and write 4/15/06 on the label. Any item which is labeled with current date will be saved. Anything that is not marked will be thrown away.

The process begins again each week. Any items that are in the fridge at end of next week must be labeled with a new label and marked 4/22/06. Otherwise, the items which do not carry the current date will be pitched.

just remember #3 (selohssa....)

*drum roll*

3. when waiters/waitresses start clearing plates before everyone is finished.

pet peeves for the day

1. peeling those $*&%$ "security" stickers off the top, side and bottom of DVD cases.

2. once you've plugged in an account number on the phone to a customer service center and then getting the question once a rep has come on the line " what is your account number?"

" you mean the one I just plugged in? That one...?"

there's another, but i've forgotten it already....

i got 99000 problems....

but a bitch aint one

Today is my 10 year anniversary, and we've already

established this morning that: 1) I think all women have hearts of stone, and 2) my wife thinks I'm a moran.

Should be one to remember.

Doing stupid stuff by yourself for absolutely no reason

I noticed I had two Budweiser cans in my fridge just now. Don't know where from, but the important thing is, they were there. I wanted to see if I could drink both of them in 45 seconds. I could. (Note: I can't chug beer, or any other type of liquid, for the life of me.)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i actually bought some ramen

haven't even CONSIDERED it since college when it was mandatory with my money going toward mind altering habits

they have some spicy ones now

it's wierd to have a full bachbasket and have the total come to only 10 bucks

My neighbor

Is trying to raise his daughters to be barefoot and pregnant. Thank goodness the oldest girl left. I liked her, because she was honest. Christian people upset me sometimes. He uses more 4 letter words than I do!



I want to apologize in behalf of Crappy Company USA that no one communicated the hourly pay schedule and the timing of your paychecks. We will be having a meeting to discuss the out come of the acquisition and I will bring up this problem. We need to make note of this for future acquisitions so that everyone understands our pay schedules.


Gee thanks. Now can you give me my effing missing check?

myspace is weird.

i guess i shouldn't just add anybody who sends me a message as a friend?


So it appears i slept in a bed i call my own for the final

time EVER last night.

Staying with the woman the rest of the week and officially moving in on Saturday. Damn this came up faster than i thought it would....

Feeling lightheaded-y and in a fog today.

Wonder what's the matter with me?

"Number eight." *belch*

"Number eight." *belch*
"Number eight." *belch*

Cheaters update...the guy's girl was cheating on him

with a girl. Both girls are fairly attractive. He's upset because if it was a guy he could kick his ssa but since its a girl he doesn't know what to do.

so i'm wearing a brand new shirt and tie today.

i also ordered a salad for lunch. the same salad that has put stains on two other ties.

chances of me making it through this lunch unstained?

Are the British lazy, or are we just crazy?

Note from the "home office":

Our London office will be closed this Friday in observance of Good Friday, and will also be closed on Monday in observance of Easter Monday.


Easter Monday?

I'm fine with the Good Friday thing, as it is the day in which our Lord and Savior gave his life for our sorry-ass souls, but I seem to recall he rose on the third day, not the fourth.

Are you an amazing, single, tall, successful 28-36 year old

single guy looking for love?

Let me know, i'll hook you up


its whats for bfast.


I almost walked out at work lastnight.


everything that could go wrong,did go wrong. I have never had troubles like i did lastnight.

If they put me onthe same machine again tonight, i am going to throw my books at my supervisor.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

So I saw a chick wearing gauchos (the ones that go

just below the knees) who was skinny enough to pull the look off. Tip to chicks with wide hips/big sessa: try wearing a longer skirt.

I seriously ate too much speghetti...

I'm feeling much like that dude from Se7en.

I need to hurl.

Good News!!!!!!!!!!!!

My finger is healed and has been for a few days now. nno need to worry aboput me losing my finger anymore.

it was touch and go for a while though.

anybody wanna know what it looks like when you put

brown shoe polish on your red shoes?

or say, you use one of those brown "polishers on the go" to go around teh toes and bottom of your shoe, but not the upper of your red shoe?

I think homosexuality is like autism

First I'd like to state that this isn't a religious belief. My religious belief is that anal sex and oral sex are wrong. So is premarital sex. Since almost everyone goes against Catholic teachings on sexuality at some point, when it is between consenting adults I don't care that much.

My personal feeling is that homosexuality is a disability or disorder, on the order of something like autism. I feel sorry for gays and realize that they are people beyond their sexual orientation, which is just a part of who they are and something that is difficult to deal with. I've found out that I know some gay people and they are more than a sexual orientation.
However, I do not want to see the definition of marriage altered because of people with a disability. I think there should be civil unions that allow for some legal rights, but the term marriage should always refer to one man and one woman.
Also, I find GLBT stuff to be distasteful and I don't like how prevalent it is in the entertainment industry.

Well, Thursday should be interesting...

Apparently I'm meeting my father for the first time.

Ah yes, the gaunlet of emotions is running rampant.

This is the face of a champion...


I need to find the best tasting jellybeans!

was looking at the Target yesterday and left unimpressed. Preferably a brand that has lime instead of green apple (and is not jelly belly).


Technology confuses me.

We have a problem with our phone line, phone is dead. Phone co. did a test and says the probelm is outside the home and will fix it today.

Why does my DSL still work?


i have a burned out headlight!

that is all!

Monday, April 10, 2006

How'd I receive this injury? (grossness warning)

Sarcastic hint: It was a pretty intense altercation

So long bitches, I'm off for a week vacation

*flips the bird*

i am completely clueless here.

Mary Mary, why ya buggin'?

I actually said that today with reference to an author of mine named Mary.

Should I chop off a foot of my hair?

I think I've got room to cut 10-12" and have it fall just above or right at my shoulders. Not sure if I want to go that short but it's getting on my nerves at this length and it'll grow back eventually. I'm also thinking that all the running/swimming/biking will be easier with more manageable hair.

So... should I cut it? And if I should wait, how long?

For those that missed it the first time around, I've been growing my hair for Locks of Love.

Lil Porgys staff know me by name...

I should really lay off the pork sammichs.

We currently have two birds in our office

Apparently a client walked in the door and two birds flew in the door with them. They are flying around our office and running into the windows.

Any ideas as to how we can get them out????

Update: Apparently one of the partners just left to get a net. details to follow as they develop.


we're posting on an internet message board. we are all dorks! (or nerds or geeks).

Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut update

Yeah, the peanuts ones are just as delicious as the almond ones, if not delicious-er.


Larussa: What happen?
Pujols: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Edmonds: We get signal.
Larussa: What !
Edmonds: Main screen turn on.
Larussa: It's You !!
D-Lee: How are you gentlemen !!
D-Lee: All your base are belong to us.
D-Lee: You are on the way to destruction.
Larussa: What you say !!
D-Lee: You have no chance to survive make your time.
D-Lee: HA HA HA HA ....
Larussa: Take off every 'zig' !!
Larussa: You know what you doing.
Larussa: Move 'zig'.
Larussa: For Dave Justice.

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Aight so amazing MILF Hunting stories eh?..part I

First off let me say, excellent bar crawl last night. Tons of fun, tons of moms, and tons of drunken memories. I'll break it up so it's not War and Peace in each thread.

The evening started out late for me, I was doing work until 9 (they started at 4) so we met up with them at a later stop. We were supposed to go Brothers but the line was past Jimmy Johns and 9 wide so we went to the next stop: Gully's.

Upon arriving at Gully's we were immediately showered with shots and booze due to us knowning the bartenders and moms who appreciated the attire. Ours numbers were slow to start since we were ahead of the pack at the next stop but we did not deviate from the plan.

3 double vodka redbulls (don't worry I tipped well), 3 Jager bombs, and a couple of large surfer on acids later I was ready to start the hunt.

Upon meeting a lovely young (45?) lady by the name of Shelley I immediately introduced myself and my partner in crime. We proceeded to have lovely conversation, met her cute young daughter, and her daughter's friend's mother. As a side note, easiest way to aggrivate a young woman is to ignore her and harmlessly flirt with their mother.

After enjoying classic moments in drunken speak we proceeded to do multiple shots with Shelley, Mary Beth, and the daughter and bidded them adieu.

Moving forward to the next target I realized a required additional funding. I proceeded to the ATM, took out too much money, and heard a young siren call my name. I peak up to notice a friend of mine, her friend, and her mom. After trying to convince them to do shots with me (and the friend to hang out with me the rest of the night) they proceeded to leave and I proceeded back to the game.

I return back into the belly of Gully's, find my fellow hunters, and find the next mom. This younger lady (probably 3 was the object of my attention. A shot later and we find ourselves enjoying a sensual dance together that ended with a hug and a peck of a cheek. Though she was quite attractive her husband wanted his bride back. Him and I hugged and handbumped then I moved forward.

Next target was actually my fellow hunter's mom, who was with her husband as well. We shared a drink, shared a few laughs, and shared some lovely pointless flirting.

As you can see this proceeded a few more different times while at Gully's. I would circle the bar, get stopped by a group of strangers (men and women alike) and they wanted a Kodak moment to remember forever. I was not alone in this obviously, every hunter was doing the same exact things and having the same exact outcome.

It was honestly a very cool time and the moms loved it. My buddy told me they would but I was skeptical to say the least and I was quite glad to be proved wrong.

PART II: Station

Ah the MILF Hunt

what stories, what good times...

....what more can I say..

I'll share stories tomorrow

..and there are plenty.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

I'm off to join the MILF Hunt!

Look for us out on campus tonight. If I'm alive I'll post stories later.

How'd the party go?

Well, good and bad

A ton of people showed up, my apartment was packed. The downside to this was that I was not expecting anywhere near that many people and you couldn't move. I know there's at least 10 or so people who didn't pay, too, so there was $50 gone. I caught a few people that I knew hadn't paid and asked them for their money, they looked mad but knew I had caught them. skciD.

I also didn't get to drink a lot during the party because 1) I didn't want to fight through people to get to the liquor and 2) I was standing guard by my room because I didn't want anyone walking out with any of my DVDs, PS2 games, etc from there. My roomate had to stand guard by the door because there were overheard conversations of people stealing bottles and going back to their place, etc.

We were turning away people at the end of the night and we got a noise complaint, so I turned off my music and got everyone's attention and told the underage people to leave since the cops were coming. That cleared about 20-30 people out, but I think at least a few of them came back.

I got a hold of a few bottles with a few shots left in them when things were calmed down and I downed those after I hadn't drank much for the previous hour or two. I was pretty frustrated, but think I did a good job of keeping my cool.

There were some people b!tching about me kicking people out, but I don't care. I didn't know any of them and will never see them again. I don't give a rats ass if you think I'm a kcid. Just don't come here again, fine by me.

Shot parties are great when you have about 25-30 people and have some room to have fun. Not so fun when you have 75+

Things closed down and the last few people left (all people I knew) around 2:45.

Missed appointments

An old customer called yesterday. Her daughter and son-in-law bought a victorian house set in the country. The old customer gave me the wrong address and phone number. I set up an appointment to look at the house "next" weekend on the April 8. I meant on 4/15. He called up wondering where I was at this morning for the 10:00 AM appointment. All my kids birthdays fall in April and 2 of my grandkids birthdays fall in April. Then there is Easter. Just too many dates to rememember. Only the second missed appointment in 25 yrs of business.

Just drank 2 different kind of fruity Martinis

Rasberry (with actual crushed berries inside)
Godiva Chocolate


Friday, April 7, 2006

plans for the weekend?

Clean a lot, maybe pack some
buy condo, move, leave for Cuba.
Going to see a friend's band tonight.
Dunk contest on an 8 foot rim at the local Y.
Drink heavily, objectify women
club some baby seals, make an omlette out of condor eggs
Sake bombs, washers, sleep, learn to juggle, grill
band, mexican, puppies, run, clean, bike, taxes, cubs

Just saw a nice walk of shame at 1:30PM

Nice long umbros, oversized t-shirt, and high heels. Classy look, young woman.

well, another problem just popped up

i went to my next door neighbors and it appears my cats are a major problem with them. the neighbor lady was complaining about them coming over all the time.

she said that both of the female cats are pregnant again. i haven't seem in a while so i have no idea whats going on with them. she started to complain about fleas and everything when it comes to her dog, and saying that the cats are giving her dogs fleas.

When the dog goes inside, the dog is bringing the fleas into the house. she has 3 kids and it's starting to get into the bed and things like that. she made it very clear that i need to do something about the cats or they will. i think i have my answer with the some of the other cats missing. one just disappeared recently and i found one dead in my shed about 2 months ago.

BTW, they do not like cats to begin with.

Friday Poetry Corner!

April is National Poetry Month, so get used to it, suckaz.

Let's lead off with an old favorite!

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

William Carlos Williams