This isn’t going to be one of my ordinary posts where I keep things light...or when I go off on someone. No. This one is going to be personal and truthful. For the first time, I am going to let you all in on something. Now if this doesn’t get one reply or even one glance,..it makes no difference to me, for this one isn’t about getting attention.
Then why post it here?” is probably the response a lot of you are saying. Well...the reason is quite simple...because you have all seen my actions...so therefore you need to know why they occur.
As most of you know...sometimes can fly off the handle at the moments notice. Put simply...I’m very easy to piss off. And although I have always had quite the temper (I tried to set my best friend on fire with lighter fluid after we got in a fight over a video game...I was 9 at the time and spent quality time with a child psychologist because of it) I have tamed over the last 16 years. I guess I just matured out of it and it’s probably a good thing I did. Although I say Ill do violent things...(aka the misunderstood”AK-47 joke) I would never do them or even THINK about doing them. Those of you who have met me know that I am pretty laid back...easy going...and don’t say an awful lot which is maybe one of many problems that make me do the things I do. Pent up rage and frustration.
All my life I have failed. Here we go... feeling sorry for himself again” is probably the thoughts running through many of your heads who have always been somewhat skeptical of me. But I’m not. Failed in relationships…failed at jobs. And let’s just say that I don’t take failure too well. And all that failure has let to confidence issues. That’s why I always hop from job to job...because I fear that I’ll fail and be fired. That’s why I’ve been single for the past 6 years. No confidence to get back into the scene because I fear rejection and to me..that equals failure. Even when there is nothing at stake.,.I still fear failure. I guess I trigger it all back to my 7th grade year. Now, I never was a good basketball player. Hell...on a team with only 7 players...I barely played more than 3 minutes a game. So I finally get into a game...and I hit my first shot...so I feel confident. We go to the 4th Quarter and w e’re down by 1 with 5 seconds left. I have the ball and I shoot....I miss. I lose the game (only reason I am in at this time is because 2 people have fouled out and our coach didn’t want to to do the “Hoosiers” scene with only 4 players on the court). I was depressed for weeks. I failed every test I took that week and all I could think in my head was I’m a failure. I lost. The one game that we could have won that season...and I blew it! “Although everyone else around me had forgotten it...and never blamed me in the first place.. .1 didn’t forget and did blame myself. I kept thinking it over and over in my head ... ’failure ... failure”. Before the next game..I quit the team. Why? I don’t know. It just seems that after that... anytime I fail something...I quit. When something got too tough..] quit Because I couldn’t stand to fail again. I tried to get in better shape...I didn’t get results fast enough...I quit. The n-ore I think about it...I started thinking about the character Jim Belushi played in Mr. Destiny”. If I would have hit that shot, like if he hit the homerun, would my life be different? Would have I continued to play sports in junior high and High School? Would have I been good enough to play in college, or maybe even play professionally? Would I have gone to a big school and majored in something I wanted to do rather than what I was TOLD to do? Would I have a backbone instead of being spineless and doing what everyone told me to do? Would I have the courage and the money to be able to move out on my own instead of still living with my n-other? Would my life be different? Would my dad still be alive today? Yes...as weird as it sounds...I blame myself for my father’s death. If I had a better job, he wouldn’t have had to pick up my nephew at daycare... drive on that Interstate, and crash into an 18 Wheeler.
Then why post it here?” is probably the response a lot of you are saying. Well...the reason is quite simple...because you have all seen my actions...so therefore you need to know why they occur.
As most of you know...sometimes can fly off the handle at the moments notice. Put simply...I’m very easy to piss off. And although I have always had quite the temper (I tried to set my best friend on fire with lighter fluid after we got in a fight over a video game...I was 9 at the time and spent quality time with a child psychologist because of it) I have tamed over the last 16 years. I guess I just matured out of it and it’s probably a good thing I did. Although I say Ill do violent things...(aka the misunderstood”AK-47 joke) I would never do them or even THINK about doing them. Those of you who have met me know that I am pretty laid back...easy going...and don’t say an awful lot which is maybe one of many problems that make me do the things I do. Pent up rage and frustration.
All my life I have failed. Here we go... feeling sorry for himself again” is probably the thoughts running through many of your heads who have always been somewhat skeptical of me. But I’m not. Failed in relationships…failed at jobs. And let’s just say that I don’t take failure too well. And all that failure has let to confidence issues. That’s why I always hop from job to job...because I fear that I’ll fail and be fired. That’s why I’ve been single for the past 6 years. No confidence to get back into the scene because I fear rejection and to me..that equals failure. Even when there is nothing at stake.,.I still fear failure. I guess I trigger it all back to my 7th grade year. Now, I never was a good basketball player. Hell...on a team with only 7 players...I barely played more than 3 minutes a game. So I finally get into a game...and I hit my first shot...so I feel confident. We go to the 4th Quarter and w e’re down by 1 with 5 seconds left. I have the ball and I shoot....I miss. I lose the game (only reason I am in at this time is because 2 people have fouled out and our coach didn’t want to to do the “Hoosiers” scene with only 4 players on the court). I was depressed for weeks. I failed every test I took that week and all I could think in my head was I’m a failure. I lost. The one game that we could have won that season...and I blew it! “Although everyone else around me had forgotten it...and never blamed me in the first place.. .1 didn’t forget and did blame myself. I kept thinking it over and over in my head ... ’failure ... failure”. Before the next game..I quit the team. Why? I don’t know. It just seems that after that... anytime I fail something...I quit. When something got too tough..] quit Because I couldn’t stand to fail again. I tried to get in better shape...I didn’t get results fast enough...I quit. The n-ore I think about it...I started thinking about the character Jim Belushi played in Mr. Destiny”. If I would have hit that shot, like if he hit the homerun, would my life be different? Would have I continued to play sports in junior high and High School? Would have I been good enough to play in college, or maybe even play professionally? Would I have gone to a big school and majored in something I wanted to do rather than what I was TOLD to do? Would I have a backbone instead of being spineless and doing what everyone told me to do? Would I have the courage and the money to be able to move out on my own instead of still living with my n-other? Would my life be different? Would my dad still be alive today? Yes...as weird as it sounds...I blame myself for my father’s death. If I had a better job, he wouldn’t have had to pick up my nephew at daycare... drive on that Interstate, and crash into an 18 Wheeler.
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