Thursday, December 30, 2010
They gave out the 8th letter today, with #9 coming tomorrow morning. The problem is that I missed 3 letters earlier this week. Here is what I have so far:
S E H L K __ __ __ __
Until they gave the K, I figured it was Lou Henson. Any guesses? I can't call in with my guess until tomorrow morning. If we figure out it, my chances are pretty good, because this is a brand new station with about 100 listeners. I might even post the phone number and answer here so we can guarantee a winner.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
"Crap, I just knocked something behind the bed. What was that?"
Me: "Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll get it later."
"Well, you're never find the dang thing," he said as he's fishing between the mattress and the headboard.
"DAD! Just leave it. It's fine!"
"No, it's right here. I got it!"
He triumphantly pulls out my wife's vibrator. :facedesk
I'm laughing now. "I told you to just leave it there!"
He sets it on the nightstand. "Well, I didn't think you'd be able to find it later."
"Oh, we'd find it! Trust me!"
He's pretending like it hasn't happened. As he's getting situated I pocket the toy and split.
Then I went and told my wife as she was doing dishes. She's can't decide whether to laugh or cry.
My mom is in the kitchen, smiling and saying, "What?! What did he do? What?"
I don't know if my wife will ever be able to look my dad in the eye again!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thank goodness she's cool.
She was all "no big deal. You can talk to me about anything."
right - I know that I *can* talk to her about anything, but I'd really rather not discuss panties...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
the 60yo asian tailor, who spoke little English, kept saying to me, as he was taking my measurements " Rock star! Rock star!"
took me a few minutes to figure out he was saying "Rack store!"
Friday, December 10, 2010
uh...work appropriate? or course, this whole skit is not work appropriate. thanks goodness we sneakily got our HR director involved by giving her a scandelous part.
if it were you, would you:
1. be that character 100%, booty slaps and all
2. hold back, remembering all the ethics training you've had
Monday, November 22, 2010
Something this silly shouldn’t even need a comment, but as the smell was noticed and the building got involved, I need to remind everyone that drying one’s clothes, particularly socks, in a microwave is i) obviously a serious fire hazard and ii) offensive as microwaves are most frequently used for cooking people’s food.
I now have the offending sock in my possession bcs the building brought it to me to make their point.
Anybody wishing to claim it can stop on by.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
This year it's an experiment with the salad, straight from the Betty Crocker cookbook (I think). You have to understand that my Grandmother was the librarian at Thomas Payne Elementary in Urbana, and about the sweetest... most naive woman ever. So it didn't occur to her that this would be a bad idea:
Me and my 28 year old Uncle are sitting at the table when Grandma brings them out.
Well, my uncle and I have about the same maturity level... and there was no way this was going to go well. And when my grandmother made her version, rather than whipped cream she used a yogurt/sour cream dressing that dribbled down the banana. My Uncle and I are howling. And it's not long before the rest of the table is howling. Everyone except grandma. She turns bright red, and grabs all the salads and throws them away. I don't think she was angry... just really embarrassed.
To this day, she makes the mistake of coming to the table and rhetorically asking if she's forgotten anything. This usually gets a, "Candle Salad" response, by either me or the Uncle.
Friday, November 12, 2010
-hey! Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. This week has been insane with work. Thanks again for a great time on Sunday night! It was really nice to finally meet you. I have to be honest. I think you are a great guy - obviously hilarious, nice, attractive (hello?! that dimple is too cute), and fun to hang out with. I just didn't feel that illusive and indefinable "spark" of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression, so I wanted to upfront and honest with you. I am really sorry, because like I said, you are a great guy. I do wish you the best in the ol' game. If you can handle yet another friend, I am here too, but I totally understand if that's not what you are looking for right now. All the best Jane
Hey, sorry to hear about your hectic week, but thanks for taking the time to write the email. It was kind of really patronizing actually, but overall pretty well done. Actually, I've even cut and pasted it into a Word document to use as a template for letting future girls down easy:
Dear (insert woman's name here),
Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. This week has been insane with work. Thanks again for a great time on (fill in night of date)! It was really nice to finally meet you. I have to be honest. I think you are a great gal - obviously hilarious, nice, attractive and fun to hang out with. I just didn't feel that elusive and indefinable "spark" of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression, so I wanted to upfront and honest with you. I am really sorry, because like I said, you are a great girl. I do wish you the best in the ol' game. If you can handle yet another friend, I am here too, but I totally understand if that's not what you are looking for right now.
All the best
..so hey, I'm leaving this with more than I came into it with...so I see that a big win for *this guy*
BTW, feel free to add whatever my major malfunction was to your "short" list of deal breakers.
Knock 'em dead out there
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Our music class was in a tiny room above the gym. Until that year, I had never been in the room, but I knew it existed because we often climbed up the fire escape chute that led from the room. When we were older, on those wonderful days when we didn’t have school but the public school kids did, we sometimes climbed up the chute and banged on the little door to the room, thinking it would be funny to disrupt some music class. It turns out that the room was only used by either the Catholic kids from down the street or basketball referees.
Our class had been assigned two numbers for that famed recital, and I’d never heard of either of them. The first was “Hello Dolly” and the other was “Whistle a Happy Tune”. I should be clear that I hated music class, and there was no way I was going to sing in front of a gym full of parents and grandparents. We learned the songs quickly. The music teacher was especially proud of the part where we all whistled along. Of course I couldn’t whistle, so she told me to just pucker my lips and no one would ever know.
I don’t remember much of the performance itself. Too traumatic, I guess. I never opened my lips to sing, and never puckered up to fake whistling. I just stood there, alternating between staring at the floor and staring at the basketball hoop that had somehow been raised to the ceiling. My mom was furious. On the way home, she told me that she was never going to another school recital again if all I was gonna do was “stand there like a retard”.
When I got home, I hid in my closet and cried, while humming the words to “Hello Dolly”.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I guess what happened next is that I reflexively uttered some type of groan whose meaning was unclear to the law-talker, who said, "What, has there been a problem?"
Realizing I didn't want to explain that the groan meant "WANT," I smoothly start stammering and blushing. "No, I just mean...he, uh..." And my attorney, who's a pretty smart guy, recognizes what's going on and just laughs. "Well, he's married, you know." YES I KNOW THAT, JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW PAINFULLY HOTT HE IS DOESN'T MEAN I'M TRYING TO ONE-UP HIS WIFE, KTHXBAI.
Chances this comes up in conversation the next time attorney guy runs across hott principal guy? 1000%
Wait--unless attorney-client privilege covers revelations of embarrassing adolescent-style crushes?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I can't wait until the preacher/officiant makes the same mistake with Tiki.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
of course, i took my duties to mean getting them throw-up drunk and parading them around tit bars, paying for the nastiest ones to dry hump them in the corner. and that was just the first night.
but enough about me.
one day around noon, i'm driving Hiro back from Portland to Seattle and we stop off at a family diner joint halfway called The Mustard Seed. Hiro says he needs to use the unisex bathroom, so I at least grab a coffee to pay for the gesture. He's out a few minutes later and the waitress/owner goes in right after him. Five seconds later, she comes out yelling, accusing Hiro of fouling up the joint. Shit's everywhere. I guess he corked it, the water overflowed and he scrambled out of there like nothing happened.
We break for the car and I say " Hiro, what gives? "
"Oh, I sorry, I made mess in there. "
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Are you f'n serious?
Should government be reserved for only those that go to Ivy League schools?
Newsflash for ya - Politicians arent curing cancer in Washington. They arent developing nuclear weapons. They arent performing brain surgery.
They are simply voting on how to spend taxpayer money. Thats it. How smart do you have to be (and how exactly are you measuring this) to make votes?
Do you know how many liberals that voted for the health care crap didnt even read the bill????? AND you want to say Sarah Palin and Christine O'donnell arent 'smart enough' to be politicians?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wonder who I can hang here?
We sell employee benefits, our mascot is a cheetah and our colors are black and gold. Any ideas?
Here's what we're doing:
COLONOSCOPY! (shake asses)
MAMMOGRAM! (shake tits)
EVEN A PROSTATE EXAM! (i bend over and the girls snap their rubber gloves)
FOR BENEFITS SALES,
SCOTT'S OUR MAN!
IF BENEFITS ARE WHAT YOU DESIRE,
SCOTT WILL SET THE BOOK ON FIRE!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
My mother was absolutely mortified.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
All his friends enjoy keeping up to date with his activities
several years later, during my high school years, i was at a party. my sister was back from college and she was there, too. my sister was standing there talking to a dark-haired lass i had never seen before. i went up to say hello. it went a little something like this:
sister: hey. *turns to brunette*. this is my brother. *turns to me* this is dawn.
brunette: hey. what year are you?
brunette: oh, you probably know my brother mark.
me: oh, sure, mark grainger.
let me stop for a moment to talk about what a wonderful thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.
me: so you're dawn....dawn grainger...
let me stop for a moment to talk about what a terrible thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.
me: dawn grainger has hairy armpits?
brunette: #### you. *turns and leaves*
poor dawn. that little piece of graffiti had probably tormented her most of her adolescent life. she had finally graduated and left town for college. she was once again just "dawn grainger" and no longer "dawn grainger has hairy armpits". here i was reminding her that her and her hairy armpits would forever be burned into the brain of every person that passed through that junior high.
poor, poor, dawn.
(while this story is true, the names have been changed to protect the hairy)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
At the beginning of the school year, she had on her desk, a weird seed that I had never seen before.
She explained that it was an avocado seed and that, over time, it would grow into a big tree. I immediately knew that I had to have one, so I begged mom to pick one up at the store. Of course, they didn't have avocados at the Philo Eisner so I had to wait until mom had a reason to go uptown to Champaign. Mom couldn't see buying something just for the seed, so she made me try the avocado itself. 35 years later, I still won't eat them.
On my first attempt, the seed got all moldy before it ever cracked open. But I tried again, and it finally worked. Avocado growing definitely takes a lot of patience.
I grew my avocado for months, but I don't think it ever got big enough to transplant to soil. During the summer after 4th grade, without Mrs. Komarek's encouragement, I let the plant die. I'm not sure if Mrs. Komarek came back the next school year or not, but I never remember talking to her after that. I was probably too embarrassed to tell her that my plant had died. My last contact with her was this letter that I received that summer.
I just decided that I'm going to buy an avocado soon. And I'm going to grow it into a tree in honor of Mrs. Komarek.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Boo to the Yah.
Teh bonerz are in full effect since I got off the crazy meds. I think I may have gained an inch.
(EDIT: BTW, I got an awesome Illini mug for my birfday. It's prolly the coolest Illini mug ever made.)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
a few minutes ago, from out of the blue, i heard someone zip up a purse on the other side of the wall from me. didn't know there was anything there. just as i get up to ske-diddle from the scene, this business broad comes from around the corner and gives me a look that stopped the clocks.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The bottom end of the wet shirt came free on the second whip-like shake and whipped me right in the stones. That's right, I basically wet-towel snapped myself. In the balls.
hurt like a MFer, luckily no scar. there was a lot of blood though. i most certainly did not enjoy it.
Friday, August 20, 2010
hoardering is my worst fear in life, those shows about hoarding absolutely terrify me. The sort of fear that I am referring to is the type that affects your life and your ability to live it, such as, I can never go on a boat because I can swim and afraid to go in the water.
Monday, August 16, 2010
1. can't cook inside on pan ( mrs nixed that idea).
2. gotta cook outside on gas grill.
I'd whip up a batch of Trout Dogs. nothing says summer like troutwurst
they weren't like stunning... but they were both very close but i have a little bit lower standards than most here probably. i had my camera with me but never quite got the occassion to pull it out. mostly though it was just real cool getting to know them and seeing the way they went about things... i learned so much about that lifestyle just through observing
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
me (somewhat concerned): well what did you do at the spa station?
9yr old: got to hang out with the girls at the beach!
me: *high five*
9 yr old: oh, and we put oatmeal and honey on our faces and it made our skin smooth
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
|So I have this good friend Matt. When he was in high school, he dated this girl named Kelly for four years. And we were all pretty sure that Matt would end up marrying Kelly. (Kelly was a twin, this is important information for later on)|
But Kelly didn't like giving blowjobs. She liked to have her yssup eaten, but refused to return the favor. And as a Catholic, she was opposed to pre-marital sex. In four years, she never once touched Matt's kcoc. But he ate her close to every day during their four year relationship.
Something happened that caused them to break up. Kelly then met a guy. Matt went looking for Kelly one night (nothing deranged, he was just in jumpingdan's "I want her back" shoes). Matt calls Kelly's twin, and her twin (who wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed) mentions that ON THE FIRST DATE, Kelly gave this new guy a blowjob.
Matt was livid. How did he respond? Well, after he was talked out of killing the new guy, he started to bone anything that moved.
He did a cougar in his parents bed. He did the same cougar in her hot tub. He was in ROTC in college, and after college was stationed in Manhattan, Kansas, where he almost knocked up the widow of an Iraq veteran. He had multiple three ways and four ways while in college. He's now in Texas and sent pictures of him boning two large breasted chicks in the bathroom of a bar. He also got a blowjob from the bridesmaid I was with during a mutual friend's wedding.
He, in short, turned into a sex fiend.
And then, he met a girl who he really likes and who likes to bone and give bjs and then bone some more.
What's the point of this story? I don't think there is one. I just like telling it.
|I'm just as shocked as you are.|
Oh crap. She gave me her number and told her to call her after midnight. "You will be glad you did." Either shit just got REAL, or this is a scambot phisher.
Currently on the call. She's talking a lot. This is good.
She talked about her pussy a lot. She just adopted him from the shelter.
Help: What's the best way to get blood out of a blanket?.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
* bone up on guitar skills
* get a divorce
* stay with a wife he hates
* get drunk
* stay sober
I am comically bad at this.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
So i made a sexy text message video for him to watch tomorrow. (Ill send at a break so no one else sees it) it should perk him up for the rest of afternoon.
No,i wont post the video or any pics.
If you just have to make a visual: guilded chair in front of mirror, see through white lace lingerie. I explained what i like and want in detail i think he will be a smiley man all afternoon.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
first of all, put my entire head into a sweat. awesome.
then as i'm walking down the street, about six blocks from the car, i feel the gears click into place. like heavy machinery waking from the night shift. i say to my buddy " don't talk to me, i've got a Code Brown STAT. "
i pick up the pace and about a block away it's the bataan death march. one step at a time, look at my watch, pretend i'm not really walking anywhere, just checking my iphone ( and not crapping myself) . i see the car now ; it might as well be in a different state.
but right in front of me is the public library. not quite a casino, but close. so as i limp toward my goal, i'm actually thinking " if i were an architect, where would I put the bathroom?" at this point, i feel like i've got a midget welder in my drawers. with a bad ####ing attitude.
i get to the front door and start looking around for the head. nothing. no dice. don't want to be *that guy* who just walks in and asks " excuse me, where is your restroom?" which could be the worst decision of my life. because i trundled all over the place and never found it -- until i walked through the farkin' courtyard, past the coffee stand and found it squirreled away in the back. by now, i'm pretty sure i've Pollacked my boxers.
i find a stall and patent a new aerobic exercise in dropping drawers,hitting the seat and emptying my insides.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
oh right - I forgot the giant chip on the shoulder.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
He taught her the value of preparation, and she taught him that sometimes, you just gotta WOOK BUH.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
|is trying to recruit me. He's talking about metaphysics and other such things.|
He's a guy I met through an online game on the PS3. Super nice guy. But now I am thinking it's best to avoid this dude.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Makes claim on ownership of entire message board*
grabs flag, pisses on it*
*COLLAPSES THREAD* *
Baits poster into returning, thus proving they did not actually collapse the thread *
*makes reference to former poster in order to convey tardiness and an unwillingness to explain**
asks whatever happened to that former poster.*
*pours one out for former poster* *
slams former poster as one who brought nothing anyway. *
insults intelligence, reading ability, politics AND religion. *
reinquires whether you're going to address the statistical data presented earlier.
insists poster's repeated attacks are just more evidence of the rightness of my position. *
hand-waves allegation. reinsists poster address the data.
informs poster of friend with unpublished research, laughs at posters uninformed, biased sources. *
references same data presented in article of leading newspaper/news magazine with an editorial staff
further informs poster that it's a good thing for him I have to leave for a conference.
lay down noted*
claims to have forgotten more about the topic than poster ever knew*
suggests poster lets the big boys play, if we can find a second big boy. *
suggests a meeting at the place of posters choosing to engage in fisticuffs*
suggests baggie fo yo teef. *
*posts vague disagreement without further explanation**
whines about people posting stuff to facebook and not the ish *
something something about roughy and facebook *
thanks terp yet again *
attempts to realign everybody's chi through whimsical references to women
types lol. adds note that he is actually laughing out loud*
reveals that every post he made in this thread was simply bait
decries obviousness of your baiting. purports to have engaged merely to demonstrate, via your
acts as if said obviousness was all a part of the ruse*
continues to engage, so that other members of the community will observe your behavior and join my
asserts that neither you nor your alliance matter to me
claims that Sammich and Kapsov are the best at this meme*
Wonders which meme sammich is not the best at?*
mocks ishers who think sammich is a comic genius*
nominates timmer as unappreciated comic genius, implying lack of comic sophistication in all others*
heads off mockery with self-deprecating post
relaunches attack ignored by poster in his own other thread.*
calls poster stupid while mispeling words an comiting typografical errrs*
tells interfering poster (who started the thread) that the "grown-ups" are arguing.
refers poster to earlier portions of thread, declares victory.
inquires as to the status of your response to data supplied within article linked ealier.*
responds with attack on intelligence. *
reading is fundamental*
remarks that if this sort of silliness is what passes for entertainment, perhaps participating
Continues arguing just to make the thread go off the right side. *
complains how this messes up viewing on iphone*
cites homosexual tendencies of men who purchase products produces by the Apple Corporation.*
but they are busy manscaping*
makes note that member of certain brigade and/or team has decided to grace us with her presence.*
Reminds everyone to DO NEVER ENGAGE the poster *
doesn't think poster actually believes what she says. *
calls poster a liar despite his 30 year background in the subject*
jumps into fray to agree with previous poster, attempting to feel like one of the gang.*
questions legitimacy of poster's argument based on his religion.*
accuses poster of blindly following dictates of their own religion, while also calling
Tells all posters that their religion is a fantasy *
attempts to explain how science is limited and is incapable of answering certain questions.
Demands proof of a higher power *
engages in dissertation of how the concept of 'faith' does not require proof.*
Does not back down from science *
accuses poster of being an intellectual elitist, who claims to be open minded, but clearly is not
Gets bored with discussion, demands proof before further conversation can happen, exits thread. *
Accuses poster of being small minded, enjoys thrill of conversation going off the right side *
suggests posters take amicable approach of agreeing to disagree.
refuses to agree to that*
tries to diffuse tense situation by making witty comment that is totally misunderstood, and actually
Threatens to give up position if certain posters agree with it *
claims this as a sharp instrument that denotes the unsoundness of your argument*
damn i'm bad at this*
LOL. I think we've pretty well beat it to death at this point. *
true, but this is probably my favorite post:
posts picture of flying spaghetti monster*
bemoans fact that it's been years since I touched anyone with my noodly appendage*
Plays brass instrument in a mournful manner *
Simulates pistols using fingers. *
tries to fit in and appear witty by posting my dinner menu*
SIlently judges you based on your meal choice. *
makes reference to some random off-the-beaten-path restaurant as the best food of this type*
Bemoans poor placement of post. *
Tells all posters that they would like some spaghetti by posting WANT *
makes AD joke that flies right over old fool's head*
laughs out loud and makes non sequitur point, possibly due to dementia*
demands poster clean out their ez box*
confirms that box is clean via double entendre*
wonders why you are on the internet, if that's the case! *
cites entertainment value gained by stirring the pot*
can't take joke, threatens to hurt poster if they ever met*
laughs out loud at accuracy of post contained in link*
re-request of recap*
cites semi-coherent nihilistic phrase indicating a denouement that involved
laughs out loud*
laughs until his ass *literally* falls off!*
cites use of "literal" as leading to an unintended, but amusing, interpretation.*
makes joke about old age*
wonders when the Brotherhood of Bearded Single-Mom Booty Shoplifters.....
feels awful, extends olive branch*
challenges use of word literally*
requests TINA of particular part of thread*
asks what "TINA" refers to. requests link*
Gives thread a big ol' meh
Kapsov = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*
posts something about him being "my oscar winner" *
sends chief illiniwek to accept award.*
..to be presented by Nancy Cantor*
sees roughy post in thread, makes football sidejack*
...with inside information actually taken from other site*
claims that he's never done this; attempts to suppress blood pressure*
previously quiet posters know truth, gang up on phony*
sweeps the leg*
makes reference to LeShoure prediction, flailing wildly trying to restore cred*
makes fun of roughy's february offensive line breakdown*
asks roughy about shruberies.*
bumps thread even though discussion is obviously over.*
grabs chance to repeat insults. *
paints followers of a particular political ideology with a broad brush*
indignation. paints opposition with similarly broad brush. *
posts list of people excluded from alliance*
posts *runs away sobbing* *
makes additional reference to unlikely sexual encounter.*
sees no ACSII characters and wonders if post is serious*
calms posters down. posts lols*
also trys to form alliance*
makes awkward reference to unlikely sexual encounter. uses ASCII characters to simulate facial
posts how awesome thread is*
interprets post as supporting my point of view. makes crack in reference to adversary.*
flips out due to thin skin; hurls disproportionate counter-insults*
savors victory. moves on.*
questions why can't everybody just get along*
elaborates through links, screencaps and anecdotes on how other poster was impetus of dispute.
makes remark about chump edit*
welcome to the thread Holly *
questions what ever happened to poster known as Holly*
claims knowledge of the real story. elaborates.*
Explains the incident*
confused by story. asks for clarification*
posts AJNTSA pic*
questions what acronym stands for*
Mocks poster's spelling mistake.*
posts mspaint pic explaining topic*
Notes that your face is similar to the interesting topic *
goes off topic to inform that poster appeared in a recent dream. recaps dream*
makes terpian joke about nocturnal emissions*
She's not gonna go out with you. *
asks, "Is she...?"*
accuses poster of doing it wrong*
Can't let it go, chump edits, ruining the response, runs and hides*
feels the need to post the reason his original now looks out of place*
Has no retort, acts as if thread never happened*
Tells semi-related story from youth, finishes with non sequitur.*
wonders whether or not poster is an alter-ego*
claims to have met poster*
asks whether you met poster at a klan rally*
finds it convenient that poster is also suspected of creating said alter-ego*
requests a recap*
you missed a lot *
marks post as helpful*
discloses caveat of not having or wanting to read through whole thread.
points out that everyone is stupid with their money, eats poorly, and exercises incorrectly.*
notes preference for political and economic system developed when we were a nation of farmers
half-joking accusation of racism*
posts racial slur, quickly edits, claims it didn't happen*
flies off handle, launches homoist-phobic attack*
indignation. notifies internet community of collection of friends who happen to be minorities.*
non-joking accusation of racism, wonders what poster has to do to get banned. *
grilled chicken, baked potato and a salad*
posts sensual comment*
accuses poster of being the 2nd biggest board tease*
asks poster random question about barefootedness*
requests info about where to get good grilled chicken in random city*
requests info on what it's like to live in random city in case a job is procured there*
requests info on what salary one needs to have in random city.*
turns nose up at random city, insists different city is superior place to live. *
cracks beer. pulls up chair*
turns nose up at brand of chair, wonders how you can sit in that dreck.*
accuses poster of being a dandy*
makes reference to poster's development taking place south of I-80*
squeal about how you are not dandy (while secretly eating ceviche) *
Makes a comment about the average isher *
notifies internet community of poster's ownership of superior chair. mentions brand name.
turns nose up at brand of beer, wonders how you can drink that swill. *
posts picture of what i am currently drinking*
posts another picture in hopes of out beer-snobbing the OP *
ruins perfectly good beer thread by posting a pic of some girly mixed drink*
Accuses poster of not being a real man *
post squirrel gif*
posts how awesome squirrel gif is. questions its origin*
snottily informs poster that the squirrel gif has been around since the invention of the internet*
replies to long since dried up subthread*
Pop culture reference to topic*
googles reference in order to respond in such a way as to appear familiar with it*
joins in with response that purposefully includes information not found on wiki page so as to
chains together series of embedded videos from youtube*
Makes reference about having a nice rack*
makes comparison to other notably attractive public figure and remarks how
posts double entendre about having intercourse*
indicates that poster is willing to engage in sexual relations with said person*
mocks poster stating one never understood the attraction of said celebrity*
questions posters sexuality*
mocks internets losers' fantasies about women they've never met. *
makes joke about incestual relationships *
tells poster to go #### themselves and wonders why poster is obssessed *
b###hes about how this isn't really CM *
lodges complaint that there is nothing cm worthy*
describes above post as of european descent*
Disagrees this fits the definition of (cm) *
misunderstands rock's point, goes off on tangent*
*points and laughs*
for the umpteenth time, wonders outloud if ishers are using a foreign language*
Here's one likely to bring on a personal attack...
Laments on the difficulties of being an African American dude (while actually being white) *
reminds poster of faq number related to prohibition on posting unnecessary negative opinions about
locks thread. tells paying customers to #### off*
stu, i thin that is true of almost all younguns these days*
Fire Weber *
ooo (yt) -
"ignoring all the pricks around him as if he's gliding through the gnikcuf Matrix"*
*random subject change* *
request for elaboration on new subject?
FAUX TABLOID HEADLINE*
vehement disagreement! with an exclamation point! *
subject line response with no message body *
Contrarian viewpoint, questions biclops' motives or sanity. *
callback to previous argument from five years ago.
TWSS in a spot where it doesn't really apply
makes attention whore statement about twss*
pun sub-thread tanked by terping*
screencap of previous argument from five years ago
re-posted where it should have been placed*
notifies poster of chuckle induced by post*
evocation of strawman *
attempt to re-frame debate*
characterizes attempt as laydown. *
One New Message!*
Purports to laugh out loud, but doesn't in reality. *
demands to know what this discussion is actually going to change *
makes ridiculous, illogical point, then claims victory*
Asks "What?" *
MAKES RIDICULOUS, ILLOGICAL POINT, THEN CLAIMS VICTORY!*
This is simply called, "a yoyo"*
REPEATS PREVIOUS STATEMENT!*
posted in the wrong place*
makes fantastic logical point. gets ignored.*
boasts of shocking and unlikely sexual conquest
makes ham-handed allusions to such shocking and unlikely sexual conquest under mistaken
accusation of goalpost-moving*
AD HOMINEM ATTACK!*
EARNING OF AN ENEMY!
condescending lecture fueled by degrading rhetorical questions*
Animated GIF *
reports to mod via EZ*
bumps thread with meaningless, unnecessary post buried deeply within thread*
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
24, and is a dead ringer for hayden panitieiereieiierierieiireiee. She says she's down for other stuff, soooo................ I'm probably just going to propose the next time out :D
I've never dated a virgin before. And she said she's down for other stuff before marriage (provided I get tested for std's first). I think I'm going to date her and see how it goes. And no, she doesn't smoke weed. Maybe she's more flexible on that than the xes, tho.
Monday, June 14, 2010
It was a hot Monday morning in August and I had the biggest interview of my life with a group of mid-level executives at MY DREAM COMPANY USA. This was going to change my life.
I've always been a pretty snazzy dresser, so given the season and warm temps, I decided to wear my white linen suit...it was hott, both literally and figuratively.
Despite having returned from a long planned trip to the Mexican Riviera just the day before, my 9AM interview got off to a great start. I established an instant rapport and it was obvious that my answers were simply blowing them away (see: tight game).
Unfortunately, Montezuma chose 9:30AM to take his revenge. The excruciated pain and rumbling in my bowel came on with the speed of a Japanese high-speed train and the force of a more traditional, fossil-fuel-burning USAmerican freight train.
Needless to say, I shat myself with the force of Eyjafjallajokull. My white linen suit was now brown from the waist down with the remnants of a week’s worth of chimichangas and chile rellenos. The smell was enough to instantly induce projectile vomiting from two of the interviewers.
As any isher with tight game would do, however, I didn't even acknowledge what had happened, maintaining strict focus on the task at hand...the biggest interview of my life. Unfortunately, my game was too tight for the execs and I was asked to leave. Needless to say, I never heard from them again.
As you can see, you're not alone...it happens to the best of us, my man. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Use it as a learning experience. The next time you have an interview with so much at stake, you're obviously not going to schedule it on a Monday morning after a weeklong Mexican vacation. And if you do, you're most certainly not going to wear a white linen suite. Lesson learned.
Keep your head up and overcome. Or as I like to say...KEEP. YO. GAME. TIGHT.
If, for some statistical enigma, this is not exactly what happened to you...feel free to disregard
Friday, June 11, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
or course you would think that, thank god .homoism is a choice you failed to make correctly
Of course based on the pictures I've seen its no surprrise you are a lesbian no normal man would get within 100ft of loving you
i have moved out and despite a 20% paycut im still probably making more tuan you
Thankfully I'm confident enough in myself. that I don't have to resort to homosexuality as my only hope of love
ive said what i needed to say
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
2010: 4 little bunnies arrived a week or two ago. As late as yesterday afternoon, they were growing and seemed to enjoy the lettuce, carrots and celery our boys brought them each morning.
Then, something happened; something mysterious and horrible. I found two of them dead, a third was still breathing but immobile, and hungry bugs were surrounding it.
Of course, I couldn't leave it there to suffer a slow death, but I didn't know the most humane way to end its suffering.
Should I put it in the garage and turn the car on?
Should I put a little piece of plastic wrap over its head?
I still have an unused bottle of Vicodin left from a recent injury.
Perhaps end it with a small pocket knife whilst whispering, "shhh, shhhh, shhh" like in Private Ryan?
You will be happy to know that I finally did what I had to do.
RIP little fellas.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
|when i first started i was doing all kinds of "lackey" jobs|
one included going out as a roving mic for the morning show
i had to trick or treat in a pumpkin costume to random places in town live on the air
a frat house...the mayors houses...etc
ring up ol jerry and he answers....white button down yet his was not....zero buttons...smoking a marlboro light
we talked on the air in his kitchen him mostly disrobed
me in a round pumpkin outift
i wish i had a cam phone
he gave me a box of triscuits
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
|I warned my neighbor about having his family park their cars across from my driveway. I told him I was older and didn't pay attention sometimes. I backed out and hit his b-in-laws truck in the side door. Chewed everyone's *ss out. Called the insurance company and it will be paid for. The truck was damaged before. The kid was alright. Grew up near Carbondale and we talked about hiking the Shawnee Forest.|
it was like the sticker on the back of the truck come to life
timing was just wild
blew her clean out of her shoes
laid her down and she was donked...screaming about revenge and shit
truck driver was frazzled and knocked over a hydrant
he went to light a smoke......i grabbed him.....dude your leaking diesel bro
Thursday, April 8, 2010
my 3 inches of snipped jew-dong almost lifted the conference room table off the floor.
i will try to subtly get a cell phone pic if i can.
she also is wearing a conservative skirt with a high slit in it...which IMHO is 10x hotter than a short mini skirt. it's the mystery of the unknown. jfc this class better be over soon or imma soil myself.
Monday, April 5, 2010
He's pretty good on Xbox, though, so he's got that going for him.
And he has a lot of experience as a security guard. So you'd always feel safe. In a Blart kind of way.
One winter he won a couple grand in the lotto. Kept us in weed and beer for the whole freaking winter! We played so much damn D&D that winter I'd dream about it.
Great guy. I'm sure you'd love him.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The mat was sort of a makeshift gathering place for hanging out after track practice. We would sit out there, smoke cigarettes and swap stories about school. Okay, we never smoked cigarettes, but one time somebody did bring some pop rocks and wax lips, both of which were strictly prohibited on school property. I was always uncomfortable hanging out with the cool kids, but because it was a carryover from track practice, I was tolerated.
One day, 6 or so of us were sitting out there on the mat, including Lindsey, a girl I had a huge crush on. Right in the middle of a serious conversation about how Mork tried to kidnap Fonzie last night on TV, all the guys jumped off the mat in unison, leaving just me and Lindsey. Before I could react, they folded the mat over on top of us, rolling us up inside. I was fear-stricken. I don’t remember ever being claustrophobic before or since, but at that moment, I was convinced that I was about to die. I was probably pressed up against the cutest girl that I had ever seen, but all I could do was scream like a little girl that I was suffocating.
Despite my pleading, the guys sat on top of mat for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t even acknowledge Lindsey. I just kept screaming. Eventually, they unfolded it and let us out. I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, including Lindsey. I just ran across the playground as fast as I could, got on my bike and pedaled home. I never, in my whole life, said a single word to Lindsey ever again.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
eyes locked on my phone screen , I casually left hand it to dip into the mix and dip my digits into the searing fancy coffee. was mute about it, but my fingers screamed HOLY #### I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT and as I yanked them out i sprinklered coffee on the broad next to me .
I'm ####ing awesome .
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
|You should hear what I recorded into my phone while taking notes.|
"Chandler Whitmer I love you"
"It's March 30th, and I have goosebumps"
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
|she prefaces every sentence with "gaga ooh-la-la". she calls her brother "baby gaga". she wears a feather boa and dances around the family room.|
this is 100% on my wife and her choice of radio station.
Then the pimply teenage boy at the drive-up window at Culver's complimented me on my organization and preparedness in placing and paying for my order. fmbl
The more I remember, the weirder my dietary habits as a kid seem to me.
I am talking about simple personal responsibility. Too many people just don't have it. How many young adults mooch off of mom and dad until they absolutley can't anymore? How many people lose a job and blame it on anything but maybe their own poor actions (I'm not referring to downsizing or something I mean someone with poor attendence or lots of write ups)?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
eruzione held the anchor glass
barely spilled a drop signed jackets with a sharpie the rest of the evening
Monday, February 8, 2010
I and my husband got married just two weeks ago and we've been trying to do anal sex recently. However, it's just too painful for me, not to mention that he's organ is big and quite thick. We use lubricant everytime we try it but he could not even insert the head of his D _ _ _ _ and I suffer too much pain.
I heard about beads, do they work to loosen up?
P.S. I'm a very petite woman
I wouldn't be offended if you called me a retard. I'd be insulted, but not offended.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wear a dress to work on Monday, then we'll talk.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
there was a time. there was a time when that kind of status would've thrilled me. i don't think that's unusual (and the great maha kali knows, i rarely did anything other than squander such opportunties) and, even if it is, such an encounter would make my day. not just the attention from the ladies but a perception that i had elevated myself in the pecking order of man cubs.
anyway the point here is that i got none of that now. no charge whatsoever. mostly annoyed by the small talk (and their obviously transparent motive for telling me how good looking i am). didn't care that other dudes were giving me silent props or that i may have converted some skeptics.
i just want to get out there. i don't care anymore. i don't even care that in my post-coital moments, i feel more like a teddy bear in my wife's arms than vince vaughn's bear-who-eats-the-rabbit. it's pretty much over me.