Thursday, December 30, 2010

Help me win 4 (front row) tickets to Sunday’s Illinois basketball game.

Radio station contest. Giving out 9 letters over the course of several days. Unscramble the 9 letters to spell a “secret star”. I don’t know if it is one word or two, or what qualifies as a secret star.

They gave out the 8th letter today, with #9 coming tomorrow morning. The problem is that I missed 3 letters earlier this week. Here is what I have so far:

S E H L K __ __ __ __

Until they gave the K, I figured it was Lou Henson. Any guesses? I can't call in with my guess until tomorrow morning. If we figure out it, my chances are pretty good, because this is a brand new station with about 100 listeners. I might even post the phone number and answer here so we can guarantee a winner.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

So after a big dinner, my dad goes in to lie down on my bed....

I'm closing the blinds and getting him a pillow, etc. He's moving the throw pillows out of his way when I hear a loud clatter.

"Crap, I just knocked something behind the bed. What was that?"

Me: "Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll get it later."

"Well, you're never find the dang thing," he said as he's fishing between the mattress and the headboard.

"DAD! Just leave it. It's fine!"

"No, it's right here. I got it!"

He triumphantly pulls out my wife's vibrator. :facedesk

I'm laughing now. "I told you to just leave it there!"

He sets it on the nightstand. "Well, I didn't think you'd be able to find it later."

"Oh, we'd find it! Trust me!"

He's pretending like it hasn't happened. As he's getting situated I pocket the toy and split.

Then I went and told my wife as she was doing dishes. She's can't decide whether to laugh or cry.

My mom is in the kitchen, smiling and saying, "What?! What did he do? What?"

I don't know if my wife will ever be able to look my dad in the eye again!

Friday, December 24, 2010

So last night I exchanged a couple text messages with my mother in law.

And in one, I meant to type "thing" but instead typed "thong". And caught it after it had been sent.

Thank goodness she's cool.

She was all "no big deal. You can talk to me about anything."

right - I know that I *can* talk to her about anything, but I'd really rather not discuss panties...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

i bought a cheap tux from Nordstrom Rack a few years ago

and then a suit from the regular, full-service Denver store across the street. had them sized at the full-service store.

the 60yo asian tailor, who spoke little English, kept saying to me, as he was taking my measurements " Rock star! Rock star!"

took me a few minutes to figure out he was saying "Rack store!"

Friday, December 10, 2010

question: so tonight is our work xmas party

we are doing a murder mystery...that is fairly scandelous. (it's a law firm called Lie, Cheat, and Steal. pretty much there is a lot of flings that have taken place between the characters. 2 people die. most of the characters are played by employees, we have just hired a few actors). i play Barbie-Dahl Scam, whose husband was just murdered, and my current fling (played by an actor) in the firm is supposed to hit on me the whole night. i was asked by the character coach if it would be okay if the actor smacked my ssa every now and again. appropriate? or course, this whole skit is not work appropriate. thanks goodness we sneakily got our HR director involved by giving her a scandelous part.

if it were you, would you:

1. be that character 100%, booty slaps and all

2. hold back, remembering all the ethics training you've had

Monday, November 22, 2010

email Ms. just got at work

That burning smell in the main kitchen that some of you may have noticed was due to an employee deciding that drying their socks in the microwave was a good idea. Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out and the burnt sock was subsequently thrown away by the freight elevator in an attempt to hide the evidence.

Something this silly shouldn’t even need a comment, but as the smell was noticed and the building got involved, I need to remind everyone that drying one’s clothes, particularly socks, in a microwave is i) obviously a serious fire hazard and ii) offensive as microwaves are most frequently used for cooking people’s food.

I now have the offending sock in my possession bcs the building brought it to me to make their point.

Anybody wishing to claim it can stop on by.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It's Christmas dinner, and I'm probably around 8 years old. We're all at my Grandparents house, and Christmas Dinner/Thanksgiving Dinner is like my Grandma's Super Bowl. Every year she tries something new, just to spice it up for the rest of the family.

This year it's an experiment with the salad, straight from the Betty Crocker cookbook (I think). You have to understand that my Grandmother was the librarian at Thomas Payne Elementary in Urbana, and about the sweetest... most naive woman ever. So it didn't occur to her that this would be a bad idea:

Me and my 28 year old Uncle are sitting at the table when Grandma brings them out.

Well, my uncle and I have about the same maturity level... and there was no way this was going to go well. And when my grandmother made her version, rather than whipped cream she used a yogurt/sour cream dressing that dribbled down the banana. My Uncle and I are howling. And it's not long before the rest of the table is howling. Everyone except grandma. She turns bright red, and grabs all the salads and throws them away. I don't think she was angry... just really embarrassed.

To this day, she makes the mistake of coming to the table and rhetorically asking if she's forgotten anything. This usually gets a, "Candle Salad" response, by either me or the Uncle.

Friday, November 12, 2010

FOUND! (warning: Younger, angrier)

Her Email:
-hey! Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. This week has been insane with work. Thanks again for a great time on Sunday night! It was really nice to finally meet you. I have to be honest. I think you are a great guy - obviously hilarious, nice, attractive (hello?! that dimple is too cute), and fun to hang out with. I just didn't feel that illusive and indefinable "spark" of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression, so I wanted to upfront and honest with you. I am really sorry, because like I said, you are a great guy. I do wish you the best in the ol' game. If you can handle yet another friend, I am here too, but I totally understand if that's not what you are looking for right now. All the best Jane

My Response:

Hey, sorry to hear about your hectic week, but thanks for taking the time to write the email. It was kind of really patronizing actually, but overall pretty well done. Actually, I've even cut and pasted it into a Word document to use as a template for letting future girls down easy:

Dear (insert woman's name here),
Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. This week has been insane with work. Thanks again for a great time on (fill in night of date)! It was really nice to finally meet you. I have to be honest. I think you are a great gal - obviously hilarious, nice, attractive and fun to hang out with. I just didn't feel that elusive and indefinable "spark" of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression, so I wanted to upfront and honest with you. I am really sorry, because like I said, you are a great girl. I do wish you the best in the ol' game. If you can handle yet another friend, I am here too, but I totally understand if that's not what you are looking for right now.
All the best hey, I'm leaving this with more than I came into it I see that a big win for *this guy*

BTW, feel free to add whatever my major malfunction was to your "short" list of deal breakers.

Knock 'em dead out there

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Back when I was in 2nd grade, I hated music class.

Our music class consisted of one of two things. Either we sat around and sang church hymns while Mrs. Brennan lead us on an old piano that was wheeled into our classroom by some lucky older boys, or we marched down to the public school to be taught by a real music teacher. That year, in preparation for a fancy recital, we walked the 3 or 4 blocks down to the public school for about 8 weeks in a row. Sister Dolorita led us along the route, with strict instructions not to talk, play with dogs or pick up anything along the way.

Our music class was in a tiny room above the gym. Until that year, I had never been in the room, but I knew it existed because we often climbed up the fire escape chute that led from the room. When we were older, on those wonderful days when we didn’t have school but the public school kids did, we sometimes climbed up the chute and banged on the little door to the room, thinking it would be funny to disrupt some music class. It turns out that the room was only used by either the Catholic kids from down the street or basketball referees.

Our class had been assigned two numbers for that famed recital, and I’d never heard of either of them. The first was “Hello Dolly” and the other was “Whistle a Happy Tune”. I should be clear that I hated music class, and there was no way I was going to sing in front of a gym full of parents and grandparents. We learned the songs quickly. The music teacher was especially proud of the part where we all whistled along. Of course I couldn’t whistle, so she told me to just pucker my lips and no one would ever know.

I don’t remember much of the performance itself. Too traumatic, I guess. I never opened my lips to sing, and never puckered up to fake whistling. I just stood there, alternating between staring at the floor and staring at the basketball hoop that had somehow been raised to the ceiling. My mom was furious. On the way home, she told me that she was never going to another school recital again if all I was gonna do was “stand there like a retard”.

When I got home, I hid in my closet and cried, while humming the words to “Hello Dolly”.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I gave this guy a non-nominal fee yesterday

I felt entitled to take lots of the candy from their reception area Halloween basket. Whoppers!!!!

So I guess my attorney knows my daughter's hott principal

Yesterday I was meeting with him (the attorney, not the hott principal) and he said that he'd seen me dropping off J-Train at her school recently. Then he says, "Yeah, [hott principal] is a friend of mine."

I guess what happened next is that I reflexively uttered some type of groan whose meaning was unclear to the law-talker, who said, "What, has there been a problem?"

Realizing I didn't want to explain that the groan meant "WANT," I smoothly start stammering and blushing. "No, I just mean...he, uh..." And my attorney, who's a pretty smart guy, recognizes what's going on and just laughs. "Well, he's married, you know." YES I KNOW THAT, JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW PAINFULLY HOTT HE IS DOESN'T MEAN I'M TRYING TO ONE-UP HIS WIFE, KTHXBAI.

Chances this comes up in conversation the next time attorney guy runs across hott principal guy? 1000%

Wait--unless attorney-client privilege covers revelations of embarrassing adolescent-style crushes?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

So the chef at the choppy table tonight assumed I was married to my MIL and LA was our daughter.

And apparently all the kids were my grandkids. The MIL is about 10 years older than I am, and LA is about 10 years younger.

I can't wait until the preacher/officiant makes the same mistake with Tiki.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

my mustard seed story

when i was a bachelor, moons ago, and working at the U of Washington, i "hosted" visiting students from Japan all the time. My favorite was a kid named Hiro ( his name was longer, but fuck me if i could say it ) . American hosts were to sort of grease the skids for the nOObs, take them shopping, show them historic sights, help them set up bank accounts, etc...

of course, i took my duties to mean getting them throw-up drunk and parading them around tit bars, paying for the nastiest ones to dry hump them in the corner. and that was just the first night.

but enough about me.

one day around noon, i'm driving Hiro back from Portland to Seattle and we stop off at a family diner joint halfway called The Mustard Seed. Hiro says he needs to use the unisex bathroom, so I at least grab a coffee to pay for the gesture. He's out a few minutes later and the waitress/owner goes in right after him. Five seconds later, she comes out yelling, accusing Hiro of fouling up the joint. Shit's everywhere. I guess he corked it, the water overflowed and he scrambled out of there like nothing happened.

We break for the car and I say " Hiro, what gives? "

"Oh, I sorry, I made mess in there. "

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Senators vote on policies...policies are made up of ideas..

Explain why someone isnt "smart enough" to vote on whether an idea is good for the country, or bad?

Are you f'n serious?

Should government be reserved for only those that go to Ivy League schools?

Newsflash for ya - Politicians arent curing cancer in Washington. They arent developing nuclear weapons. They arent performing brain surgery.

They are simply voting on how to spend taxpayer money. Thats it. How smart do you have to be (and how exactly are you measuring this) to make votes?

Do you know how many liberals that voted for the health care crap didnt even read the bill????? AND you want to say Sarah Palin and Christine O'donnell arent 'smart enough' to be politicians?


As God as my witness it just occurred to me for the first time in my life that the Trans-Siberian Orchestra may not actually be from Siberia

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

LAM. I just figured out how to make in a noose in about 10 seconds.

The wife wanted several to hang some small skeletons about the house and I looked it up online and found out how. Never knew before. It's really pretty simple.

Wonder who I can hang here?

FFS. A little help, please?

My team has to come up with a cheer for our tailgate-kickoff sales contest. *puts pistol in mouth*

We sell employee benefits, our mascot is a cheetah and our colors are black and gold. Any ideas?

Here's what we're doing:

COLONOSCOPY! (shake asses)
MAMMOGRAM! (shake tits)
EVEN A PROSTATE EXAM! (i bend over and the girls snap their rubber gloves)


Eff.EmEll. *sigh*

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My mom gave birth to my younger sister at home. I watched. I was 2.

For some reason that I still don't understand, my mom thought it was important that I know the proper terminology for everything I was going to see. Several months later we were in line at a McDonald's when an obese woman walked in. I loudly announced: "I BET THAT LADY HAS A BIG VAGINA."

My mother was absolutely mortified.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My dog has a FB page

He has friends in Philly and Chicago that don't see him any more so he posts what he does during the day, where I took him, when he gets a new toy or destroys something in the house.

All his friends enjoy keeping up to date with his activities

when i was in junior high

someone took an extra wide marks-a-lot and wrote "dawn grainger has hairy armpits" on one of the bleachers in the gym. it had apparently been there for several years before i arrived as ms. grainger had long since left the hallowed halls of our fine institution.

several years later, during my high school years, i was at a party. my sister was back from college and she was there, too. my sister was standing there talking to a dark-haired lass i had never seen before. i went up to say hello. it went a little something like this:

me: hey
sister: hey. *turns to brunette*. this is my brother. *turns to me* this is dawn.
brunette: hey. what year are you?
me: junior.
brunette: oh, you probably know my brother mark.
me: mark...
brunette: grainger.
me: oh, sure, mark grainger.

let me stop for a moment to talk about what a wonderful thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.

me: so you're dawn....dawn grainger...

let me stop for a moment to talk about what a terrible thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.

me: dawn grainger has hairy armpits?
brunette: #### you. *turns and leaves*

poor dawn. that little piece of graffiti had probably tormented her most of her adolescent life. she had finally graduated and left town for college. she was once again just "dawn grainger" and no longer "dawn grainger has hairy armpits". here i was reminding her that her and her hairy armpits would forever be burned into the brain of every person that passed through that junior high.

poor, poor, dawn.

(while this story is true, the names have been changed to protect the hairy)

Monday, September 13, 2010

I locked myself inside the house.

First of all, you need one of those big janitor key rings to live here. There's a lock on everything and they're all keyed differently. But that's another story.

Anyway, I came home, unlocked the front door, and closed it (the locks are keyed inside and out). And I grabbed the things I needed and prepared to head back out...but where are my keys? They're not in my pocket, not in my back pack, not on the counter. Oh shit, they're in the door...outside.

There is a drawer with a bunch of other keys in it (of course), but none of them will unlock the front or back door. Should I call my wife to come home from work to let me out of the house? Should I call the landlord? Should I knock on my own door as someone walks by to let me out of the house?

Then I turn the knob.


Friday, September 10, 2010

Back when I was in the 4th grade, I wanted to be a botanist when I grew up.....

I don't think I knew the word "botanist" but I knew that I liked to grow things in my little corner of mom and dad's big garden. Part of my fascination with gardening came from my parents, but a big part of it came from my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Komarek. I was fascinated by her, and we shared a love of gardening.

At the beginning of the school year, she had on her desk, a weird seed that I had never seen before.

She explained that it was an avocado seed and that, over time, it would grow into a big tree. I immediately knew that I had to have one, so I begged mom to pick one up at the store. Of course, they didn't have avocados at the Philo Eisner so I had to wait until mom had a reason to go uptown to Champaign. Mom couldn't see buying something just for the seed, so she made me try the avocado itself. 35 years later, I still won't eat them.

On my first attempt, the seed got all moldy before it ever cracked open. But I tried again, and it finally worked. Avocado growing definitely takes a lot of patience.

I grew my avocado for months, but I don't think it ever got big enough to transplant to soil. During the summer after 4th grade, without Mrs. Komarek's encouragement, I let the plant die. I'm not sure if Mrs. Komarek came back the next school year or not, but I never remember talking to her after that. I was probably too embarrassed to tell her that my plant had died. My last contact with her was this letter that I received that summer.

I just decided that I'm going to buy an avocado soon. And I'm going to grow it into a tree in honor of Mrs. Komarek.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

dumbass =======>

When I got home from work, my wife asked me if I'd go put gas in her car while she made dinner. She has to go to a meeting tonight and her car is near Empty. Of course, I said yes. I went down to the gas station, topped it off, stopped by the bank and came back home.

My wife just called me from Champaign, saying that she was almost out of gas, and wondered if I forgot to put gas in her car. I said "Of course I put it in! I did that and then went to the bank." She sounded doubtful, and I had to try to convince her that I did do it.

Then, it dawned on me. I actually took my van and put gas in it instead. :wall

She said "You're such a dumbass. I mean that in a good way."

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


I just had me some birfday xes.

Boo to the Yah.

Teh bonerz are in full effect since I got off the crazy meds. I think I may have gained an inch.
(EDIT: BTW, I got an awesome Illini mug for my birfday. It's prolly the coolest Illini mug ever made.)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

so i've got this hellish long layover now

and i'm in an airpot lounge, squirreled away at a corner desk. hardly anyone in here. been blastin' away in these fancy office chairs, thinking no one can hear me.

a few minutes ago, from out of the blue, i heard someone zip up a purse on the other side of the wall from me. didn't know there was anything there. just as i get up to ske-diddle from the scene, this business broad comes from around the corner and gives me a look that stopped the clocks.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I just injured myself in an embarrassing way.

Taking shirts from the washer to the dryer, one was twisted around itself. Instead of undoing it by hand, I figured it would be quicker and simpler to just hold it at chest height and shake it loose.

The bottom end of the wet shirt came free on the second whip-like shake and whipped me right in the stones. That's right, I basically wet-towel snapped myself. In the balls.

hurt like a MFer, luckily no scar. there was a lot of blood though. i most certainly did not enjoy it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Adfession: I mostly don't understand fears

and tend to think that most of them are irrational, and hence am a little insensitive to people who are afraid of a lot of things. I just think they can be overcome. Mrs. mother is afraid of everything, including dogs, heights, can't swim, etc. It just gets a little ridiculous after a while. Mrs. has claustrophobia, which is the one I most don't understand. I fully admit to being prick-ish about this subject

hoardering is my worst fear in life, those shows about hoarding absolutely terrify me. The sort of fear that I am referring to is the type that affects your life and your ability to live it, such as, I can never go on a boat because I can swim and afraid to go in the water.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Do you have meat grinder and sausage stuffer attachments for your KitchenAid?

i have five fresh trout fillets to cook tonight
suck-ass rules:
1. can't cook inside on pan ( mrs nixed that idea).
2. gotta cook outside on gas grill.

I'd whip up a batch of Trout Dogs. nothing says summer like troutwurst

so, i hung out with two prostitutes tonight

went out with a girl i met at a club last weekend... and things took a pretty wild turn. i had no experience with that lifestyle, so it was kind of crazy seeing how they operate. it was really fun though... definitely a unique night. she was a hooker. the other girl works for her now. her friend was working i drove her a guys house and me and my girl waited outside while she did her thing.

they weren't like stunning... but they were both very close but i have a little bit lower standards than most here probably. i had my camera with me but never quite got the occassion to pull it out. mostly though it was just real cool getting to know them and seeing the way they went about things... i learned so much about that lifestyle just through observing

Thursday, August 12, 2010

so i don't share *too* many kid stories but this one got me all cracked up

9yr old: when we were at camp, one of the days we got to choose which station we were at. And I chose the spa station. and I was the only boy there.

me (somewhat concerned): well what did you do at the spa station?

9yr old: got to hang out with the girls at the beach!

me: *high five*

9 yr old: oh, and we put oatmeal and honey on our faces and it made our skin smooth

me: oh.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Let me tell you the story of a good friend of mine (y'alls'll enjoy this)

    So I have this good friend Matt. When he was in high school, he dated this girl named Kelly for four years. And we were all pretty sure that Matt would end up marrying Kelly. (Kelly was a twin, this is important information for later on)

    But Kelly didn't like giving blowjobs. She liked to have her yssup eaten, but refused to return the favor. And as a Catholic, she was opposed to pre-marital sex. In four years, she never once touched Matt's kcoc. But he ate her close to every day during their four year relationship.

    Something happened that caused them to break up. Kelly then met a guy. Matt went looking for Kelly one night (nothing deranged, he was just in jumpingdan's "I want her back" shoes). Matt calls Kelly's twin, and her twin (who wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed) mentions that ON THE FIRST DATE, Kelly gave this new guy a blowjob.

    Matt was livid. How did he respond? Well, after he was talked out of killing the new guy, he started to bone anything that moved.

    He did a cougar in his parents bed. He did the same cougar in her hot tub. He was in ROTC in college, and after college was stationed in Manhattan, Kansas, where he almost knocked up the widow of an Iraq veteran. He had multiple three ways and four ways while in college. He's now in Texas and sent pictures of him boning two large breasted chicks in the bathroom of a bar. He also got a blowjob from the bridesmaid I was with during a mutual friend's wedding.

    He, in short, turned into a sex fiend.

    And then, he met a girl who he really likes and who likes to bone and give bjs and then bone some more.

    What's the point of this story? I don't think there is one. I just like telling it.

I just got called "super handsome" by a non-family member.

    I'm just as shocked as you are.

    Oh crap. She gave me her number and told her to call her after midnight. "You will be glad you did." Either shit just got REAL, or this is a scambot phisher.

    Currently on the call. She's talking a lot. This is good.

    She talked about her pussy a lot. She just adopted him from the shelter.

    Help: What's the best way to get blood out of a blanket?.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things dudes would rather do than me (not exhaustive):

* play golf
* bone up on guitar skills
* sleep
* get a divorce
* stay with a wife he hates
* get drunk
* stay sober

True stories.

I am comically bad at this.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

made a surprise for my husband. (extreme cocktease/attn whore alert)

He is at work but it is cat vacation on asssmembly line so he has to sit in Safety slide show meetings all 8+ hours of the day all week. He is so very bored.

So i made a sexy text message video for him to watch tomorrow. (Ill send at a break so no one else sees it) it should perk him up for the rest of afternoon.

No,i wont post the video or any pics.

If you just have to make a visual: guilded chair in front of mirror, see through white lace lingerie. I explained what i like and want in detail i think he will be a smiley man all afternoon.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Anybody else having trouble keeping their urine the proper color?

This morning about 10:00 I did 20 minutes on the bike followed by a 20 minute run. Urinated at the transition and it was fine. Had water on the bike, and Gatorade and water since finishing. I feel good, but i'm back to a real yellow - not dark, but darker than it should be.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

i'm not sure this is the appropriate forum

but i had 3-way curry over rice at a dive british pub ( CA not ENG) last night and it absolutely eviscerated me.

first of all, put my entire head into a sweat. awesome.

then as i'm walking down the street, about six blocks from the car, i feel the gears click into place. like heavy machinery waking from the night shift. i say to my buddy " don't talk to me, i've got a Code Brown STAT. "

i pick up the pace and about a block away it's the bataan death march. one step at a time, look at my watch, pretend i'm not really walking anywhere, just checking my iphone ( and not crapping myself) . i see the car now ; it might as well be in a different state.

but right in front of me is the public library. not quite a casino, but close. so as i limp toward my goal, i'm actually thinking " if i were an architect, where would I put the bathroom?" at this point, i feel like i've got a midget welder in my drawers. with a bad ####ing attitude.

i get to the front door and start looking around for the head. nothing. no dice. don't want to be *that guy* who just walks in and asks " excuse me, where is your restroom?" which could be the worst decision of my life. because i trundled all over the place and never found it -- until i walked through the farkin' courtyard, past the coffee stand and found it squirreled away in the back. by now, i'm pretty sure i've Pollacked my boxers.

i find a stall and patent a new aerobic exercise in dropping drawers,hitting the seat and emptying my insides.

evisceration complete.

So I know this guy who does cocaine recreationally

I'm uptight about this. Am I just old and goody-two-shoes-y?

My impending nuptials= Ed Martin

9 days before...FML

she's keeping the car. I'm hoping she picks up the payments

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

soccer = NASCAR

people who don't like it think it's boring and weird, and people who do like it insist that the other people just don't appreciate it on a high enough level. Both sides of both sports are pretty annoying.

oh right - I forgot the giant chip on the shoulder.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

"Hurricane and Captain Serious" needs to be a buddy-cop movie.

He was a by-the-book detective whose icy glare was the envy of the boys at the 14th precinct. She was a book-tossing rookie with a penchant for streaking. Together, they took on a drug-running conspiracy that went straight to the top. At first they couldn't stand each other, but eventually they became the best of friends, and the greatest team on the force.

He taught her the value of preparation, and she taught him that sometimes, you just gotta WOOK BUH.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

So, a really bright guy who claims to be an Illuminati...

is trying to recruit me. He's talking about metaphysics and other such things.

He's a guy I met through an online game on the PS3. Super nice guy. But now I am thinking it's best to avoid this dude.

Illuminati? GTFO.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Saw a counselor this AM. Got engaged this PM. Feet haven't touched the ground.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

interesting topic

*indicates that this finishes with a large group intercourse session**
Makes claim on ownership of entire message board*
grabs flag, pisses on it*
Baits poster into returning, thus proving they did not actually collapse the thread *
*makes reference to former poster in order to convey tardiness and an unwillingness to explain**
asks whatever happened to that former poster.*
*pours one out for former poster* *
slams former poster as one who brought nothing anyway. *
relaunches attack.*
insults intelligence, reading ability, politics AND religion. *
reinquires whether you're going to address the statistical data presented earlier.
insists poster's repeated attacks are just more evidence of the rightness of my position. *
hand-waves allegation. reinsists poster address the data.
informs poster of friend with unpublished research, laughs at posters uninformed, biased sources. *
references same data presented in article of leading newspaper/news magazine with an editorial staff
further informs poster that it's a good thing for him I have to leave for a conference.
lay down noted*
claims to have forgotten more about the topic than poster ever knew*
suggests poster lets the big boys play, if we can find a second big boy. *
suggests a meeting at the place of posters choosing to engage in fisticuffs*
suggests baggie fo yo teef. *
*posts vague disagreement without further explanation**
references facebook*
whines about people posting stuff to facebook and not the ish *
something something about roughy and facebook *
thanks terp yet again *
attempts to realign everybody's chi through whimsical references to women
types lol. adds note that he is actually laughing out loud*
reveals that every post he made in this thread was simply bait
decries obviousness of your baiting. purports to have engaged merely to demonstrate, via your
acts as if said obviousness was all a part of the ruse*
continues to engage, so that other members of the community will observe your behavior and join my
asserts that neither you nor your alliance matter to me
claims that Sammich and Kapsov are the best at this meme*
Wonders which meme sammich is not the best at?*
mocks ishers who think sammich is a comic genius*
nominates timmer as unappreciated comic genius, implying lack of comic sophistication in all others*
heads off mockery with self-deprecating post
relaunches attack ignored by poster in his own other thread.*
calls poster stupid while mispeling words an comiting typografical errrs*
tells interfering poster (who started the thread) that the "grown-ups" are arguing.
refers poster to earlier portions of thread, declares victory.
inquires as to the status of your response to data supplied within article linked ealier.*
responds with attack on intelligence. *
reading is fundamental*
Telling. *
Nice laydown.*
time out
remarks that if this sort of silliness is what passes for entertainment, perhaps participating
Continues arguing just to make the thread go off the right side. *
complains how this messes up viewing on iphone*
cites homosexual tendencies of men who purchase products produces by the Apple Corporation.*
summons fanboys*
but they are busy manscaping*
makes note that member of certain brigade and/or team has decided to grace us with her presence.*
Reminds everyone to DO NEVER ENGAGE the poster *
doesn't think poster actually believes what she says. *
calls poster a liar despite his 30 year background in the subject*
jumps into fray to agree with previous poster, attempting to feel like one of the gang.*
questions legitimacy of poster's argument based on his religion.*
accuses poster of blindly following dictates of their own religion, while also calling
Tells all posters that their religion is a fantasy *
attempts to explain how science is limited and is incapable of answering certain questions.
Demands proof of a higher power *
engages in dissertation of how the concept of 'faith' does not require proof.*
Does not back down from science *
accuses poster of being an intellectual elitist, who claims to be open minded, but clearly is not
Gets bored with discussion, demands proof before further conversation can happen, exits thread. *
Accuses poster of being small minded, enjoys thrill of conversation going off the right side *
suggests posters take amicable approach of agreeing to disagree.
refuses to agree to that*
tries to diffuse tense situation by making witty comment that is totally misunderstood, and actually
Threatens to give up position if certain posters agree with it *
claims this as a sharp instrument that denotes the unsoundness of your argument*
damn i'm bad at this*
LOL. I think we've pretty well beat it to death at this point. *
true, but this is probably my favorite post:
posts picture of flying spaghetti monster*
bemoans fact that it's been years since I touched anyone with my noodly appendage*
Plays brass instrument in a mournful manner *
Simulates pistols using fingers. *
tries to fit in and appear witty by posting my dinner menu*
SIlently judges you based on your meal choice. *
makes reference to some random off-the-beaten-path restaurant as the best food of this type*
Bemoans poor placement of post. *
laughes uncomfortably*
Tells all posters that they would like some spaghetti by posting WANT *
makes AD joke that flies right over old fool's head*
laughs out loud and makes non sequitur point, possibly due to dementia*
demands poster clean out their ez box*
confirms that box is clean via double entendre*
wonders why you are on the internet, if that's the case! *
cites entertainment value gained by stirring the pot*
can't take joke, threatens to hurt poster if they ever met*
laughs out loud at accuracy of post contained in link*
re-request of recap*
cites semi-coherent nihilistic phrase indicating a denouement that involved
laughs out loud*
laughs until his ass *literally* falls off!*
cites use of "literal" as leading to an unintended, but amusing, interpretation.*
makes joke about old age*
wonders when the Brotherhood of Bearded Single-Mom Booty Shoplifters.....
feels awful, extends olive branch*
challenges use of word literally*
thanks terp*
requests TINA of particular part of thread*
asks what "TINA" refers to. requests link*
Gives thread a big ol' meh
Kapsov = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*
posts something about him being "my oscar winner" *
sends chief illiniwek to accept award.* be presented by Nancy Cantor*
sees roughy post in thread, makes football sidejack*
acts all-knowing*
...with inside information actually taken from other site*
claims that he's never done this; attempts to suppress blood pressure*
previously quiet posters know truth, gang up on phony*
sweeps the leg*
makes reference to LeShoure prediction, flailing wildly trying to restore cred*
makes fun of roughy's february offensive line breakdown*
10-2! *
asks roughy about shruberies.*
bumps thread even though discussion is obviously over.*
grabs chance to repeat insults. *
paints followers of a particular political ideology with a broad brush*
indignation. paints opposition with similarly broad brush. *
forms alliance*
posts list of people excluded from alliance*
posts *runs away sobbing* *
makes additional reference to unlikely sexual encounter.*
sees no ACSII characters and wonders if post is serious*
calms posters down. posts lols*
also trys to form alliance*
makes awkward reference to unlikely sexual encounter. uses ASCII characters to simulate facial
posts how awesome thread is*
interprets post as supporting my point of view. makes crack in reference to adversary.*
flips out due to thin skin; hurls disproportionate counter-insults*
savors victory. moves on.*
questions why can't everybody just get along*
elaborates through links, screencaps and anecdotes on how other poster was impetus of dispute.
makes remark about chump edit*
welcome to the thread Holly *
questions what ever happened to poster known as Holly*
claims knowledge of the real story. elaborates.*
Explains the incident*
confused by story. asks for clarification*
posts AJNTSA pic*
questions what acronym stands for*
Mocks poster's spelling mistake.*
disputes explanation*
posts mspaint pic explaining topic*
Notes that your face is similar to the interesting topic *
goes off topic to inform that poster appeared in a recent dream. recaps dream*
makes terpian joke about nocturnal emissions*
She's not gonna go out with you. *
asks, "Is she...?"*
accuses poster of doing it wrong*
Can't let it go, chump edits, ruining the response, runs and hides*
feels the need to post the reason his original now looks out of place*
Has no retort, acts as if thread never happened*
Tells semi-related story from youth, finishes with non sequitur.*
wonders whether or not poster is an alter-ego*
claims to have met poster*
asks whether you met poster at a klan rally*
finds it convenient that poster is also suspected of creating said alter-ego*
requests a recap*
you missed a lot *
marks post as helpful*
discloses caveat of not having or wanting to read through whole thread.
points out that everyone is stupid with their money, eats poorly, and exercises incorrectly.*
notes preference for political and economic system developed when we were a nation of farmers
half-joking accusation of racism*
posts racial slur, quickly edits, claims it didn't happen*
flies off handle, launches homoist-phobic attack*
indignation. notifies internet community of collection of friends who happen to be minorities.*
non-joking accusation of racism, wonders what poster has to do to get banned. *
grilled chicken, baked potato and a salad*
posts sensual comment*
accuses poster of being the 2nd biggest board tease*
asks poster random question about barefootedness*
requests info about where to get good grilled chicken in random city*
requests info on what it's like to live in random city in case a job is procured there*
requests info on what salary one needs to have in random city.*
turns nose up at random city, insists different city is superior place to live. *
cracks beer. pulls up chair*
turns nose up at brand of chair, wonders how you can sit in that dreck.*
accuses poster of being a dandy*
makes reference to poster's development taking place south of I-80*
squeal about how you are not dandy (while secretly eating ceviche) *
Makes a comment about the average isher *
notifies internet community of poster's ownership of superior chair. mentions brand name.
turns nose up at brand of beer, wonders how you can drink that swill. *
posts picture of what i am currently drinking*
posts another picture in hopes of out beer-snobbing the OP *
ruins perfectly good beer thread by posting a pic of some girly mixed drink*
Accuses poster of not being a real man *
post squirrel gif*
posts how awesome squirrel gif is. questions its origin*
snottily informs poster that the squirrel gif has been around since the invention of the internet*
replies to long since dried up subthread*
Pop culture reference to topic*
googles reference in order to respond in such a way as to appear familiar with it*
joins in with response that purposefully includes information not found on wiki page so as to
chains together series of embedded videos from youtube*
Makes reference about having a nice rack*
makes comparison to other notably attractive public figure and remarks how
posts double entendre about having intercourse*
indicates that poster is willing to engage in sexual relations with said person*
mocks poster stating one never understood the attraction of said celebrity*
questions posters sexuality*
mocks internets losers' fantasies about women they've never met. *
makes joke about incestual relationships *
tells poster to go #### themselves and wonders why poster is obssessed *
posts (CM)*
b###hes about how this isn't really CM *
lodges complaint that there is nothing cm worthy*
describes above post as of european descent*
Disagrees this fits the definition of (cm) *
misunderstands rock's point, goes off on tangent*
*points and laughs*
for the umpteenth time, wonders outloud if ishers are using a foreign language*
Here's one likely to bring on a personal attack...
Laments on the difficulties of being an African American dude (while actually being white) *
reminds poster of faq number related to prohibition on posting unnecessary negative opinions about
locks thread. tells paying customers to #### off*
stu, i thin that is true of almost all younguns these days*
Fire Weber *
ooo (yt) -
"ignoring all the pricks around him as if he's gliding through the gnikcuf Matrix"*
Hitler. *
*random subject change* *
request for elaboration on new subject?
*posts link*
vehement disagreement! with an exclamation point! *
subject line response with no message body *
Contrarian viewpoint, questions biclops' motives or sanity. *
callback to previous argument from five years ago.
pun subthread*
TWSS in a spot where it doesn't really apply
makes attention whore statement about twss*
pun sub-thread tanked by terping*
screencap of previous argument from five years ago
re-posted where it should have been placed*
notifies poster of chuckle induced by post*
evocation of strawman *
attempt to re-frame debate*
characterizes attempt as laydown. *
One New Message!*
Purports to laugh out loud, but doesn't in reality. *
demands to know what this discussion is actually going to change *
makes ridiculous, illogical point, then claims victory*
Asks "What?" *
This is simply called, "a yoyo"*
posted in the wrong place*
makes fantastic logical point. gets ignored.*
boasts of shocking and unlikely sexual conquest
makes ham-handed allusions to such shocking and unlikely sexual conquest under mistaken
e.t. *
accusation of goalpost-moving*
condescending lecture fueled by degrading rhetorical questions*
Animated GIF *
reports to mod via EZ*
where's yoyo?*
bumps thread with meaningless, unnecessary post buried deeply within thread*

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

just had a great date with a super cute, fun, smart girl....

who also happens to be a virgin and plans to remain pure until getting married. FM penis's L

24, and is a dead ringer for hayden panitieiereieiierierieiireiee. She says she's down for other stuff, soooo................ I'm probably just going to propose the next time out :D

I've never dated a virgin before. And she said she's down for other stuff before marriage (provided I get tested for std's first). I think I'm going to date her and see how it goes. And no, she doesn't smoke weed. Maybe she's more flexible on that than the xes, tho.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm almost certain I know what happened, as it's happended to me...

First off, my game is tight.

It was a hot Monday morning in August and I had the biggest interview of my life with a group of mid-level executives at MY DREAM COMPANY USA. This was going to change my life.

I've always been a pretty snazzy dresser, so given the season and warm temps, I decided to wear my white linen was hott, both literally and figuratively.

Despite having returned from a long planned trip to the Mexican Riviera just the day before, my 9AM interview got off to a great start. I established an instant rapport and it was obvious that my answers were simply blowing them away (see: tight game).

Unfortunately, Montezuma chose 9:30AM to take his revenge. The excruciated pain and rumbling in my bowel came on with the speed of a Japanese high-speed train and the force of a more traditional, fossil-fuel-burning USAmerican freight train.

Needless to say, I shat myself with the force of Eyjafjallajokull. My white linen suit was now brown from the waist down with the remnants of a week’s worth of chimichangas and chile rellenos. The smell was enough to instantly induce projectile vomiting from two of the interviewers.

As any isher with tight game would do, however, I didn't even acknowledge what had happened, maintaining strict focus on the task at hand...the biggest interview of my life. Unfortunately, my game was too tight for the execs and I was asked to leave. Needless to say, I never heard from them again.

As you can see, you're not happens to the best of us, my man. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Use it as a learning experience. The next time you have an interview with so much at stake, you're obviously not going to schedule it on a Monday morning after a weeklong Mexican vacation. And if you do, you're most certainly not going to wear a white linen suite. Lesson learned.

Keep your head up and overcome. Or as I like to say...KEEP. YO. GAME. TIGHT.

If, for some statistical enigma, this is not exactly what happened to you...feel free to disregard

Friday, June 11, 2010

There us no way anybof you are as drunk as I am.

South beach WTF.

And what have I missed the pasnt few days? Folly a. Lot. Evraska WTF

I have nonifea WTF I wasaskiv here.

you have done zero lined, so WTF

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Monday, May 24, 2010

when I was a kid, we used to visit my cousins who lived in southern Missouri.

They had deer ticks, and since dad was a physician he was always concerned about Lyme disease (or some other crazy tick disease from 20 years ago). Anyway, my uncle ran a church camp down there. So we would go visit; they had woods and a lake and ball fields and all kinds of fun stuff.

Every night, tho , we had to have the tick inspection. After we took a shower, dad would inspect me and my brother. We always had at least one tick on us that he would have to extract. Usually with a pair of tweezers.

One night I was under tick inspection, and pop found a tick. In a private area. On my sac. Bear in mind, I was probably about 9 years old. So he tells me to lay down; I lay down and he gets his tweezers. It's about this time I realize that what he thinks is a tick is what I know to be a mole.

I tell him "it's just a mole". He didn't believe me. So he tugs on it "why won't this tick come out" while I'm yelling "it's just a mole! It's just a mole!"

he finally stopped tugging.

Friday, May 21, 2010

im.a hard core conservative

Proud as hell to of grown up in a county that votes about 95% republican

or course you would think that, thank god .homoism is a choice you failed to make correctly
Of course based on the pictures I've seen its no surprrise you are a lesbian no normal man would get within 100ft of loving you

i have moved out and despite a 20% paycut im still probably making more tuan you
Thankfully I'm confident enough in myself. that I don't have to resort to homosexuality as my only hope of love

ive said what i needed to say

Thursday, May 13, 2010

True story:

When we were little kids (like 3-5), my dad used to tell us he was John Oates. (He kinda looked like him back in those day.s) Every morning, he'd leave for work, and he'd say something along the lines of "Welp, see you later, gotta go hang out and make music with my buddy Hall."

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Our yard is the Killing Field for bunnies

2009: a hawk swooped down and took out the daddy bunny, leaving in its wake of its carnage, two little bunnies and a momma bunny who had to explain to the little ones why daddy wasn't coming home that night.

2010: 4 little bunnies arrived a week or two ago. As late as yesterday afternoon, they were growing and seemed to enjoy the lettuce, carrots and celery our boys brought them each morning.

Then, something happened; something mysterious and horrible. I found two of them dead, a third was still breathing but immobile, and hungry bugs were surrounding it.

Of course, I couldn't leave it there to suffer a slow death, but I didn't know the most humane way to end its suffering.

Should I put it in the garage and turn the car on?

Should I put a little piece of plastic wrap over its head?

I still have an unused bottle of Vicodin left from a recent injury.

Perhaps end it with a small pocket knife whilst whispering, "shhh, shhhh, shhh" like in Private Ryan?

You will be happy to know that I finally did what I had to do.

RIP little fellas.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Catie D. turning me down to the senior prom?

Are you kidding me? I was totally out of your league, yet I found you weirdly attractive like Siobhan Magnus. Just because you were still a V and I wasn't doesn't make me some sex crazed maniac you goody two shoes b###h.

Monday, April 19, 2010

good tune for baby boy slideshow/movie...?

i'm throwing a quick 3 minute slideshow.

just a bunch of baby shots of the boy. his name is Rocky ( swear to god...)

and he's really fucking ugly.

Friday, April 16, 2010

one of my weirdest moments in working in radio .....

when i first started i was doing all kinds of "lackey" jobs

one included going out as a roving mic for the morning show

i had to trick or treat in a pumpkin costume to random places in town live on the air

a frat house...the mayors houses...etc

ring up ol jerry and he answers....white button down yet his was buttons...smoking a marlboro light

we talked on the air in his kitchen him mostly disrobed

me in a round pumpkin outift

i wish i had a cam phone

he gave me a box of triscuits

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm currently rocking an awesome red welt on my forehead

I was reaching down into a desk drawer for a catalog when a violent sneeze attacked me. My head was thrown forward and down...right onto the corner of the glass sheet that covers my desk.

Well, my shirt's on backwards.

Promising start to the day.

Friday, April 9, 2010

There ought to be a law

I warned my neighbor about having his family park their cars across from my driveway. I told him I was older and didn't pay attention sometimes. I backed out and hit his b-in-laws truck in the side door. Chewed everyone's *ss out. Called the insurance company and it will be paid for. The truck was damaged before. The kid was alright. Grew up near Carbondale and we talked about hiking the Shawnee Forest.

witnessed a wicked crash the other day

some broad tried passing a semi on the right on a 2 lane street right when he was making a wide right turn
it was like the sticker on the back of the truck come to life

timing was just wild
blew her clean out of her shoes
laid her down and she was donked...screaming about revenge and shit

truck driver was frazzled and knocked over a hydrant
he went to light a smoke......i grabbed him.....dude your leaking diesel bro

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dear attractive coworker from LA office here in DC to train with us this week....

for the love of pete, please stop eating the banana in the training class. 99% of hetero men watch a woman like you (yes...she is) slowly eat a banana and picture our weenises instead. okay?

my 3 inches of snipped jew-dong almost lifted the conference room table off the floor.


i will try to subtly get a cell phone pic if i can.

she also is wearing a conservative skirt with a high slit in it...which IMHO is 10x hotter than a short mini skirt. it's the mystery of the unknown. jfc this class better be over soon or imma soil myself.

Monday, April 5, 2010

It just so happens I have a weakness for dudes with girlynames...

He's a couple years younger than I am. Got fired from his last job as a pizza delivery guy.

He's pretty good on Xbox, though, so he's got that going for him.

And he has a lot of experience as a security guard. So you'd always feel safe. In a Blart kind of way.

One winter he won a couple grand in the lotto. Kept us in weed and beer for the whole freaking winter! We played so much damn D&D that winter I'd dream about it.

Great guy. I'm sure you'd love him.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Possibly depressing reassurance

You're WAY too old for a sex trafficker to care about abducting you

Friday, April 2, 2010

When I was in the 7th grade, I was on my school’s track team

The school obviously had a tiny budget for track and field equipment. My dad made the hurdles out of used 2 x 4s. The high jump and pole vault standards were made of metal poles cast into concrete-filled truck tires. The coolest thing though was the landing mat for the high jump and pole vault. It was made of what appeared to be an old sewn together fishing net filled with brick sized pieces of foam; like the kind that you use when washing your car.

The mat was sort of a makeshift gathering place for hanging out after track practice. We would sit out there, smoke cigarettes and swap stories about school. Okay, we never smoked cigarettes, but one time somebody did bring some pop rocks and wax lips, both of which were strictly prohibited on school property. I was always uncomfortable hanging out with the cool kids, but because it was a carryover from track practice, I was tolerated.

One day, 6 or so of us were sitting out there on the mat, including Lindsey, a girl I had a huge crush on. Right in the middle of a serious conversation about how Mork tried to kidnap Fonzie last night on TV, all the guys jumped off the mat in unison, leaving just me and Lindsey. Before I could react, they folded the mat over on top of us, rolling us up inside. I was fear-stricken. I don’t remember ever being claustrophobic before or since, but at that moment, I was convinced that I was about to die. I was probably pressed up against the cutest girl that I had ever seen, but all I could do was scream like a little girl that I was suffocating.

Despite my pleading, the guys sat on top of mat for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t even acknowledge Lindsey. I just kept screaming. Eventually, they unfolded it and let us out. I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, including Lindsey. I just ran across the playground as fast as I could, got on my bike and pedaled home. I never, in my whole life, said a single word to Lindsey ever again.

Tried to pick up a prostitute in Peoria

I was drunk and lonely living in an apartment near Bradley. Drove downtown and pulled up next to a lady on the street. Before I finished the conversation, an undercover cop pulled up next to me, with his red light on the dash. Told me to go home or get tickets for driving drunk and solicitation. That really went well. Never tried paying for it again.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

today's installment of My Weekly Coffee Sulls was a real crowd-pleaser

sitting in the airport lounge, scanning my email on my phone . relaxed, legs outstretched, crossed at ankles, sitting in lounge chair, dipping periodically into a nice bowl of lounge trail mix and sipping a piping hot fancy coffee drink on the table next to me.

eyes locked on my phone screen , I casually left hand it to dip into the mix and dip my digits into the searing fancy coffee. was mute about it, but my fingers screamed HOLY #### I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT and as I yanked them out i sprinklered coffee on the broad next to me .

I'm ####ing awesome .

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I am not a homophobe, but...

it bothers when I'm watching House Hunters and there is a gay couple featured, walking around chatting about intimate details of their lives.

I swear, one of the guys is wearing capris.

Woke up thinking about Chandler Whitmer's arm ~~~~~>>>

You should hear what I recorded into my phone while taking notes.

"Chandler Whitmer I love you"
"It's March 30th, and I have goosebumps"

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

my daughter has taken to calling herself "lady gaga".

she prefaces every sentence with "gaga ooh-la-la". she calls her brother "baby gaga". she wears a feather boa and dances around the family room.

this is 100% on my wife and her choice of radio station.

I am now officially the most boring person in the world

Tonight at the grocery store, the checkout girl asked me why I wasn't buying grape juice. My life is such a dull, repetitive routine that a clerk who rings up my purchases maybe once every two weeks knows what I'm supposed to be buying.

Then the pimply teenage boy at the drive-up window at Culver's complimented me on my organization and preparedness in placing and paying for my order. fmbl

When I was a kid, I loved matzoh.

I'd eat that stuff year round as a snack. I must have had it once at a jewish friends house, probably during passover, and really liked it, so my mom bought it for me.

The more I remember, the weirder my dietary habits as a kid seem to me.

It just shows the lack of care people have for personal responsibility.

So many people just don't care about the difference between right and wrong anymore. I haven't been dealt an easy hand but the mistakes I have made in life are just that...ones I have made. No one else made those decisions for me. So people who can't accept responsibility for their own actions anger me. People who blame everything on someone else.

I am talking about simple personal responsibility. Too many people just don't have it. How many young adults mooch off of mom and dad until they absolutley can't anymore? How many people lose a job and blame it on anything but maybe their own poor actions (I'm not referring to downsizing or something I mean someone with poor attendence or lots of write ups)?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

i was sitting at a LA hotel bar next to michael buble this afternoon

chunky mother####er, that boy.

kind of douched up, too. wore a down vest, squarish cap on backwards and listening to tunes wearing his Bose headset -- at the bar.

the few times i encounter celebs, i don't dare to talk to them. but i was *this close* to buying him a drink if he called Jackie ( "Hey, she's a HUGE fan. She'd be delirious if you called her ).
but i just couldn't muster the energy.

and it's probably a good thing, because i checked his web site and he's got a concert in Minneapolis tonight....

Saturday, March 27, 2010

i heard rex reed pan shutter island on local radio last night

he was on with another old fag. they were terrific. i stayed in the car, mesmerized.

"where are the stars these days? WHERE ARE YOU, BARBARA STANWYCK?"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

was washing my hands as a panicked dude ran in

As I exited, the sound I heard can only be described as the sound beef stew would make if it were fired out of a spud gun into a swimming pool.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

my greatest Olympic moment

was at the red rock bar in slc 2002 when I stopped all action and had the 1980 hockey team chanting USA! USA! while I drank 5 pints in a waterfall

eruzione held the anchor glass

barely spilled a drop signed jackets with a sharpie the rest of the evening


Monday, February 8, 2010

Whose responsible this?!

Anal Sex:

I and my husband got married just two weeks ago and we've been trying to do anal sex recently. However, it's just too painful for me, not to mention that he's organ is big and quite thick. We use lubricant everytime we try it but he could not even insert the head of his D _ _ _ _ and I suffer too much pain.

I heard about beads, do they work to loosen up?

Please help!

P.S. I'm a very petite woman

I like the word retard.

Not because I want to call people with learning disabilities it, but because I think it's a great insult to someone that's doing something really dumb. It just emphasis's the level of the idiocy. It is so much better than idiot.

I wouldn't be offended if you called me a retard. I'd be insulted, but not offended.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I see live penises

I finally understand what it's like to be a man and think about sex every second of the day! After going without for 17 or so months - I've lost count, all I can think about is Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick (think Tarantino in Reservoir Dogs). I cannot look at a man without thinking about his penis (big, small, thick, thin....)I've become like the lion in the movie 'Madagascar' who looks out at all the animals and sees a bunch of steaks, except in my case I see men and think of penises! So here it is, I NEED to get laid. The problem is, I am not breaking a 17 month spell for bad sex, except I have no source of good sex. If I do the (fairly) random thing, can I lose my inhibitions enough to enjoy it with a stranger? On the other hand, I really don't have the time to get to know someone well before I implode.... Devil or the deep blue sea??? Any advice??

Real men don't wear pink unis

They looked like a bunch of ####ing pussies out there. The fact that others may agree or disagree is irrelevant to me, but that's cool if you like pussy looking uniforms. Ever stop to think why no men's teams wear pink? I don't care how many times they wore them, it was disgusting and I'm embarrassed for them. I wouldn't wear a pink uniform and i think less of any man that would. I think it's an abomination.

Wear a dress to work on Monday, then we'll talk.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The man is the leader of the household

If a woman wants to have a huge career, don't have kids and leave the husband home.

Friday, January 8, 2010

so there are these two attractive girls who work here

yesterday, they were at lunch together in a fairly large atrium in our building and they both waved me over from afar (i should say, i know them). i chatted with them a bit and went about my business. i noticed a number of galoots oafing about, clearly envious of my situation.

there was a time. there was a time when that kind of status would've thrilled me. i don't think that's unusual (and the great maha kali knows, i rarely did anything other than squander such opportunties) and, even if it is, such an encounter would make my day. not just the attention from the ladies but a perception that i had elevated myself in the pecking order of man cubs.

anyway the point here is that i got none of that now. no charge whatsoever. mostly annoyed by the small talk (and their obviously transparent motive for telling me how good looking i am). didn't care that other dudes were giving me silent props or that i may have converted some skeptics.

i just want to get out there. i don't care anymore. i don't even care that in my post-coital moments, i feel more like a teddy bear in my wife's arms than vince vaughn's bear-who-eats-the-rabbit. it's pretty much over me.