Thursday, December 22, 2011

met my old board mod at the grocery store

was buying bagels and some cheese

snuck up behind him, tapped him on his back
he jumped and yelled "holy jeez!"

told him I missed the Deuce from time to time
and all the characters and mods

he said he hadn't banned a soul in years
and for that, he thanked the gods

*piano interlude*

I told him we should go and get a drink
he said he had to get back home

I said I'd post about this on the ish
and he said "whatever, drone"

we talked about the internet
we talked about the now

tried to find important stuff to say
but neither one knew how

we talked about the internet
we talked about the memes

we both remarked how all this stupid crap
ain't as urgent as it seems

by now we both were walkin out the door
he took a left, I took a right

and as I turned to make my way back home
the Deuce faded from sight

Friday, December 2, 2011

Tough day at my son's house

He had hemorrhoids cut out yesterday at a specialist. His wife went to the hospital with diarrhea and vomiting today. He told me he hopes he doesn't get her diarrhea.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I was president of my frat, I've seen a naked women or two, and my wife already knows I don't meet her standards on that end.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Elway doesn't believe Tebow is the answer.

From the guy that bolted to Denver rather than being drafted by the Colts. The libs in Denver won't have Tebow as the QB. Consumer reports says so.

Elway will run Tebow out of town. Elway refused to be drafted by the Colts in a draft. Old horseface is doing the same thing. Tebow is winning. They cannot stand it in Denver because he is a Christian. Elway lies.

Elway acts like he is above it. He refused to go to the Colts. Read the history. "I want to play for a winner" Horseface.

Elwya is an arrogant horseface loser that had to go to a winner. Where did he come from in college. Stanford. His daddy made him change his mind from going to the Colts. Golpher face!

Consumer Reports is based in Colorado. My customer had the new issue on his table. Read it during lunch. Biggest Apple based rag, piece of garbage, one sided, gov supported, lib supported. Out of breath. Have a good night friends. Don't believe what you read.

Harry Carays

A Spanish girl served my food to me. She told my wife her food would be ready "sometime". Mrs Colt got in her face. The girl barked back. I ordered more beer for me. My wife got her food and wouldn't eat it. I ordered more beer for me. My wife cried as we went back to the hotel. I had more beer in the hotel bar. We did touchy feely in the elevator. a nice night.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My parents took me to a restaurant exactly ONE time as a kid

That was when I was 10 and we all went to Hardee's for Christmas Eve dinner. I kid you not, we never ate out at a restaurant any other time.

Best way to eat popcorn

Girly way of eating one kernel at a time. The few kernels at a time. The grab a fistful and crunch it down.

Friday, October 28, 2011

sadly, my parenting style is a lot like bruce weber's coaching

lots of shouting the same things over and over to my kids to no effect. i belabor every effing thing to the point where i make pretty much nothing fun. they seem to always tune me out. i can't let anything go -- i keep reminding them what they did wrong and will shoehorn the issue hours later in a completely different context.

i also bow to outside comments and will suddenly obsess on something based on something that was said. for example, we'll go weeks without practicing letters and after a comment from the KG teacher that no.1 son is a little behind in that respect, i'll freak out when i get home, drag him out of bed, sit him down and go r. lee ermey. to him, it probably seems like some kind of al queda attack. one minute, he's drifting off to sleep and the next, he finds himself trying to prop his head up at a table while i'm shouting to him about the 1 line that makes all the difference between E and F. then, nothing for three weeks after that.

also, i have a total inability to work the ref (mrs), frequently leaving me with ridiculous expressions on my face.

and i will throw the kids under the bus when mrs calls me on something we were supposed to do.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

peole can just go ####off on here because people dont want actually talk.

i just asked a question. The game was on the line and a hit or something more could have meant a lot in this game. it was worth the risk if it worked out. i'm done with the ####tards on this ####ing board. Also. heatmizer cansuck my dick the women beater. I've heard things about the the piece of shit.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

really to all the single people out there...

i just want to stress that you have to be careful. its so easy to lose sight of the consequences, but a one night encounter just cost me hundreds of dollars, hours of my life taking 4 tests at 3 facilities... and multiple life times worth of stress... and im very fortunate that everything was negative.

i think it was nookie who had a thread a few weeks back about 'is it worth it'... i didnt want to post on it at the time because my situation was still undetermined, but the answer is absolutely not. honestly, i feel like i crawled out my own grave today.... im leaving it alone for a longgg time.

in this situation... she kinda took it there before i had a chance. i mean, im not saying she raped me, but it wasnt really consensual.

it was like this: we met at a party... a week or two later she calls or texts me... wanting to get dinner real quick. i was cool with that.

now, this paints me in a bad light, but im going to tell it because someone out there might be in a similar situation one day and benefit from my advice. so we were at her place hanging out after. she was on the bed watching some tv show. i was like, thinking out loud and said if im going to be in the bed id be more comfortable taking my jeans off. cause i really just dont feel good having clothes on in bed. i meant that in sincerity, not game. now, she is like, actually, id prefer you naked. now, i was fine with that, but i really wasnt expecting it to go further... i wasnt going to make a move. she was touching me and stuff while watching the show, which was fine... but then she got up, and i thought she was getting off the bed, but she got on top.

and really, there was probably a second or two second window where i could have acted... but at the time i was afraid to hurt her feelings by suggesting she wasnt clean.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

After I was redirected to the bathroom, I went across the hall

...and started knocking on our neighbours door.

Fully Nekkid.

When asked WTF I was doing, I responded "I am trying to close the curtains!"

He's a Buckeye so whatever. ..

I guess I tried to poop in my fridge at 2am this morning

I was REALLY drunk.
In the vegetable crisper to be more precise.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Topic blowing my mind today (as I enjoy my porksteak)

Written language.

What was it like coming up with that?! "I think we'll call this 'f'." ok I get that much, but how do you describe what 'f' sounds like? YOu can't write it "eff" or "ph" because you're just coming up with the language!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Go Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuueeesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They will be better than the hawks.. Bank on it. Blues have more depth after looking at the rosters.

ok, you tell me how they are better? you look at that roster for both teams and tell me how theyr are better overall than the Blues? Beyond the first 2 lines, the Hawks dont have much. The Blues go 3-deep with their lines and i think the Blues d is better also.

Even the first 2 lines aren't that ridiculously different between the 2 teams. The Blues have a lot of talent too.

It's a shame that your top 4 are not that great either. I will take Shattenkirk and Petroangelo over your top 2 any day of the week. Keith and Seabrook are not as good as Petro and Shattenkirk. I actually think the Blues top 4 are better

I just checked out the career stats of all 4 and Shatty and Petro have a better skillset to start their careers then Keith and seabrook. Both Blues players have more points in their first full season in the NHL than Seabrook and Keith. If you want to go by a start of a career, the Blues players are better right now. Not taking anything away from the other players, but i think i would rather have these 2 if i had to choose. Not saying i would lose out with the other 2, but to start a franchise, i would have to go with the Blues young guns.

it's all about depth.. i dont care about the other stuff. Blues have more depth. The Hawks didn't win it lastyear because of the lack of depth. Didn't they just barely get in lastyear? Seriously, thats not too impressive.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Looks like we will be getting free eggs.

Mrs water aerobic instructor raises chickens. She told my wife she has too many eggs to get rid of and will bring her in a couple dozen each Friday. I get so tired of breakfast cereal. We are talking fried eggs and corned beef hash next week. No wimpy breakfast.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ran into the local jr high bicycle gang

Went on my 10 mile ride tonight. To hit the bicycle trail, I always go through the local housing(They drive nicer cars thn I do). Coming back a group of young kids on bicycles headed straight for me. They hollared "Chicken!" I rang my bell and went straight through them. They scattered. Effin little white trash. They cursed and hollared. It was glorious.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Linkin question

So this douchebag that use to work here just Linkin me as a college. Full disclosure, he has a drinking problem and I haven't seen him in maybe 4 years.

He use to be a friend of guys that I use to hang out with, so our paths would cross outside of work.

Here are a few of the things that he's done in the past:
* he picked a fight with me on New Years Eve at a bar....he was drunk and thought I was making a pass at his date, when I was really hitting up the other single lady at our table...his date wanted to be as far away from him as possible because he was loaded.
* got into a fight with my fiance and her friend at the skiing lodge. When my fiance's friend punched him, he complained to the bartender that a girl punched him....the bartender just laughed and walked away. Again, loaded.
* we were on a beach weekend, wishing my friend farewell (he was relocating to CA), and the night before going out deep water fishing, he came in at ~3am, with a air horn, waking everyone up.
* on our skiing trip, I made a huge amount of chili for the trip, he put it on the stove, and left the burners going, burning/ruining the chili...never said sorry
* he had a broken ankle one year, and had a motorized scooter....drove that down the staircase at the cabin, ruining it (who cares) and damaging the cabin...not sure who paid for the damages (I didn't).

It goes on and fiance would avoid us when we went skiing because of him.

I want to tell him to bugger off, can you do that on Linkin?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

kids say the darndest things

Last night whilst pooping my 3 year old son informed me that his balls were and I quote: " my penis' beard".

so my kid wore a cubs t-shirt to summer camp today

it's the blue shirt with the big red C in a white circle logo. the camp is located at a place that has a pool, where old dudes swim in the morning. three of them and one old lady all commented on what a great shirt he had on. one of the wrinklier of the old guys leaned down and told him that it was a wonderful choice and that would build character (my kid has no idea what this means; in any event, he did what he also does when strangers talk to him -- smile nervously and protect his crotch with his hands).

anyway, i thought it odd that so many would comment on it. i was steering the young dudes toward the dodgers but maybe it's time to rethink that decision.

*there is one untruth in the above post.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

i was 1 min from sleep when i saw this.

serious poll. arthur kirkland vs. k-9 unit german shepherd
lets end the debate

got up and took a mac cam pic so that the debate can at least be an educated one.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

question: when i rub my dog Lola's belly and invariably stroke a elppin to and fro

am i in any way pleasuring her like i have so many women in the past (before mrs.)?

i only raise the question because the other night, i swear i saw Lo smile.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Well, my fake wiener is MIA

Wonder where my children put it?

Re: To all my friends without children

Trying to explain myself a little bit here. Sorry so many of of misinterpreted what I was saying and I'm troubled (honestly) that you found it patronizing. IF you poke around at some of the other posts, and my bio, you'll see I'm a standup comic and a comedy writer.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 2:24 am
careful there friend, keep it up and you just might EARN AN ENEMY!

Quant July 14, 2011 at 9:29 am
Will this turn into a giant orgy?

CHEF-D July 14, 2011 at 9:39 am

Phil July 14, 2011 at 9:48 am
14th and Minna. Bring a baggie.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 10:16 am
Jason, long time reader, first time commenter. So sorry that your comments were misinterpreted by the people. They obviously should not be allowed to breed…slowly, or even all.
Keep up the good work. Girls, PM me. /s/ bbonb

kristin July 14, 2011 at 11:14 am
There will always be someone (or several someones) who will find something to get on a soap-box about no matter what. I think I can safely say that most of us knew exactly what you meant and thought it was a great article. You sound like a great parent.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 11:15 am
after a perusal of your blog here….ive noticed there are no posts about delightful rotund boots…not even delving into their societal persecution vs the ability for it to break a man down to their vunerable core with just the sight of it…
this along will make at least the digs happy and if you make the digs happy god kisses the bellies of 10 random babies
you dont hate babies do you?

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 11:25 am
kristin sounds hott*

taz July 14, 2011 at 11:38 am
pics of kristin plz

Melanie July 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm
As someone without children I love all of your blog, and totally understood where you were coming from. People need to lighten up. I am very understanding of my friends with little ones. And I get that mid conversation sometimes they are going to have to run or hang up the phone. Thanks for a great blog and your honesty.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm
what size jeans do you wear melanie?

Isher July 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Wait, that was supposed to be a humor column? That’s even worse since it was pretty painfully unfunny.

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
The Internet. Encouraging people to intentionally misunderstand each other since 1990.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
In case you were wondering, I have latex-free gloves back at my pad.

Mr Papa Del July 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
How long does a dude have to wait for a nice, well-cooked frank? Just an FYI, Im finna throw a big fit soon if I dont get one.

Art July 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Nothing about humans fightin’ bears or chimps? This blog bores me.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm
@Art – I’ve fought every sort of dog on the planet, and I bet I could take a bear or a chimp, if push came to shove. It’s a matter of will to live.

C0LT July 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Me and Mrs. C0lt have kids. Back when we were first married our friends wanted to go to the drive in and have some malteds. We said no. Malteds taste good.

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Hi Jason
Don’t worry about these idiots. After a quick google search, it looks like they are just a bunch of ####s. Harmless little gnats.
Keep up the good work.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm
if i had a friend like you i would fight you at a gas station in funkhouser.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm
mr dad meet me at the gas station in oquawka and i will fight you.

Jeff Frank July 14, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hi Jason. I enjoyed the column. I am one of the single guys who feels sorry for my friends when they get married and have kids and can rarely do anything and when they want to need to get permission to do it.
Just ignore the invaders. That is a board where most of the the negative malcontents migrated. Many of them were kicked off of other boards for their poor behavior. Condescension surrounds them like the cloud that surround Pigpen.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:52 pm
jeff frank you insulted me for the last time. i will fight you at a gas station in chittyville.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm
@Jeff – “…when they want to need to get permission…?” Who taught you English? Go back to your three television set-up for your DVR-delayed game-watching.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:01 pm
How about kids on planes? Slap them, then the parents.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Jeff Frank puts the hot dogs on first…

terpjay July 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Guys, I think Jason is just trying to be humorous. I don’t think he really puts on the hotdogs first!

taz July 14, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I can poop rainbows.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 8:35 pm
There’s nothing (cm) about this blog.
Hey, Jason….we should compare routines sometime!

NOVA July 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Reminder: you are allowed fo have a civil discussion of Jason’s record as a parent but any speculation about his future, or posting of unsubtantiated rumors about his kids are against the FAQ.
You are being watched.

BirdyEdwards July 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm
3 Things:
1. You should try

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Jesus, don’t you people have a ####ing life? Oh, wait. You don’t. That’s obvious after taking a quick look at your “message board”.
A quick review of discussion topics?
1. “Who is Hotter?” – a bunch of sex-deprived grown men rate two attractive women and cast their vote for which one they would will be jerking off to later tonight.
2. “I got a $50 gift card at Pepboys” – enough said. Go #### yourself with that new tire iron you pick up, okay?
3. Random “I watch this TV show and that TV show” shit.
4. “I lost my dildo” – maybe this poster should meet up with some of the posters from 1.
5. “My girlfriend dumped me because I have a small dick. What should I do?” #### you.
And the list goes on.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm
mr dad you should know who you mess with before you talk. i will fight you at the gas station in banklick.
espn talking like larussa not coming back.

CHEF D July 14, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Philo July 14, 2011 at 9:40 pm
This blog reminds me of one time when I was in the third grade. The nuns told my mom that I shouldn’t make fun of people who were dumber than me. I cried. The end.

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Have a next door neighbor who has a blog. Kid puts videos up on youtube. The kid isn’t funny. He should try to be a waiter at wild wings. Had big beers on the way home. Cicadas going nuts outside. Lifes good.

roughyorange July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
this season is going to suck

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Mr. Dad, if you find my lost fake wiener, will you let me know? Thanks!

jumpingdan July 14, 2011 at 9:47 pm
please post pictures of the hotdogs!

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:48 pm
This blog reminds me of my boobs: it’s awesome, it has a white background, and I’m going to show most of it to everyone I know.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Crap, I thought for sure Jackie wouldn’t find me here….

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Sounds like your snatch, too. It’s open to everyone.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Everyone except YOU LOSERS.
And my butt is, of course, being saved for somebody special.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Don’t tell Jackie I’m hiding out here. She’s gonna burn out my motor. Again.

wikipediabrown July 14, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Looks like our precious Michelle Bachman doesn’t like brown people

PMan July 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm
As a brown American, I am offended.

Donutz July 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm
As we had said all along Jason Good isn’t While other have said he was mediocre at best we have always maintained that he was terrible. Comedy is fluid so we reserve the right to say something later and claim that we have known it all along.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm

chilango July 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I noticed your post about shoes. Don’t you realize man isn’t physiologically designed to wear shoes?

Dee July 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Anyone have some ranch?

SF July 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Anyone know where to find some good Ceviche?

mhock July 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm
If anyone grills hot dogs before I get my ribeye, I will sue the crap out of them. Don’t believe me? Just freakin try me. I swear I’ll sue. Just ask brumby. He knows me. I’ll sue.

VIV July 14, 2011 at 10:34 pm
If I have time later I will make a nice reduction sauce for the hot dogs using a mixture of spices I keep in a tuperware container.

deux July 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Who is hotter?: kristin or Melanie

gig July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
I hate the spin doctors, who listened to that crap anyway?

Taylor Ittu July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Dude, I feel your pain. Like deja vu seriously.

pdx July 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm
@ Jackie – please post pics of anything that’s awesome and has a white background.

Holly July 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Seriously no more comments. My blog doesn’t have enough space for any more.

Isher July 14, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Nice Laydown

Detlef July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Yoyo July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Nice laydown

Brumby July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
If you merge your site with the News-Gazette then all these creeps will go away.
Plus, I’m pretty sure they’d give you a column.

NAX July 14, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Does anyone here know anything about Orland Park?
thanks. just wondering.

Group Guy July 14, 2011 at 11:02 pm
You have a great business model here.
I should know, I got my MBA from Kellog.
I’m working on a JD from General Mills.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Has anyone seen my wolftie?

allesandranrojo July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I hast token a loads off.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Isher July 14, 2011 at 11:12 pm

gig July 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm
no reduction sauce for my wiener!!!

Simmering July 14, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Free show on Saturday night at Canopy Club.
Hope to see you all there, should be a great time!

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
I have both Ass and Sin in my name
Whats my name ?

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Marcus aint a friend

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Bruceweberforprez July 14, 2011 at 11:28 pm
We had a calf a couple days ago. Anyone seen it?

BBMDL July 14, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

thank you Orange roughy....

You just totally embarrassed me on another board, but thats ok. I guess if that makes you feel any better then sobeit. if you thought i did the same thing, then i guess you got me back. Now, you have made it impossible for myself to have any credibility, but thats ok because it makes you feel better. Why dont you go ahead and embarrass me on the scout board while you are at it? Might as well try to destroy me in every way possible. You win because you have the power of your own blog. I guess some people have to read it and listen.

you dont want to know what "being owned" is trust me you better make that last word you ever say to me you got me???

Him saying that i was "being owned" was the wrong thing to say to me right now. It's one thing to say i got you back for what you said, but to take it a step forward and saying you are "owning" me, thats throwing the first punch and all you did is piss me off even more.

Monday, July 11, 2011

going through a few orphan garage boxes..

and, while it's hard to remember when ( it was before mrs), i actually purchased in-line roller skates when i was living in seattle. i don't think i ever used them. now i need to dispose of them, murder-weapon style.

mrs' laughing escalated quickly to a near wheezing.

me (squirming a bit): " er, WHOSE are those? "
mrs: don't even try.
me: "wha...? what makes you think those are mine?"
mrs: "because i can fit my head in them?"

Friday, July 8, 2011

4 women who made a big impression on me as a little kid

Baseball Playing Gayne: In the early seventies, there were no organized sports in Philo for young girls. And a girl had never asked to be allowed to play Little League baseball. I’m guessing that her parents talked it out with the folks in charge beforehand, because when we gathered for our first practice one year, Gayne showed up and acted as if she had every right in the world to be there. We laughed about it a little bit, but I don’t remember anyone giving her any grief. It had never occurred to us that a girl would ever want to play on a real team. We were only 8 or 9 years old, so it wasn’t like there was a huge talent difference between Gayne and us boys. The next year, a couple more girls played. Years later, they added softball. Gayne broke the gender barrier in Philo sports.

Craig’s mom: One day during recess, we were playing buck-buck on the school playground. We weren’t supposed to be playing because the nuns said it was too dangerous. Craig lived about a block away, and during lunch that day, his mom walked down to drop off his lunch. It was 30+ years ago, but I still remember her walking up wearing an orange tank top with no bra underneath. Every boy just stood there and stared while she and Craig talked along the side of the road. You would have thought we were all staring at a naked woman.

Mizz Whats-her-name: When I was in 3rd grade, I was pulled out of my regular classroom to work on the pronunciation of my N’s and S’s with the speech teacher. For part of the year, the teacher’s name was Ms. Something. The unusual thing about this is that NO ONE had ever been called “Mizz” before. It was always Mrs. or Miss. I remember her taking a few minutes to give us a mini lesson in women’s lib and to explain what being called “Mizz Such-and-such” meant. It was like she had invented a new word or something. I couldn’t wait to go home and tell mom about it.

Next door neighbor Tammy: One day when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was playing in the lot next door with some neighbor kids, including Tammy, who was probably 5 years older than me. The lot included a garden full of sweet corn. I had to go pee, so I walked over to the corn. Tammy told me that I had to try to run around the entire corn “field” *while* I was peeing. I don’t remember her daring me to do it – she just told me matter-of-factly that I had to. I did it, and I remember getting pee all over me, including in my mouth. I started crying and Tammy told me that if I told anyone what happened, that she would kill me. I kept my mouth shut, which is what I should have done while I was peeing. I was scared of not only Tammy, but of her whole family. More than once, her dad told me the story of how he got shot in the mouth during "the war". The bullet knocked out all his 4 front teeth and lodged in the back of this throat. Tammy's older brother Mike went to Vietnam. When he came back, he had a tattoo and an earing. He was the first guy I had ever seen with an earing. It freaked me out.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Too sexy for my office

My poor boss had to deliver the uncomfortable message that someone had complained that my appearance is "distracting."

It's a fitting dress with some exposed cleavage. I've worn it before. And I've worn tops with more objectionable cleavage. *shrug

Sunday, July 3, 2011

So we're at the Schmucks this afternoon

and I'm in the checkout. I've let the girls go over to the candy and gum machines to spend a couple of quarters so I can have a moment's peace.

Suddenly, J-Train runs over to me, sobbing, and thrusts something in my face and yells "I DIDN'T WANT THIS!!!!"

I'm all, "What?" and take the ball from her and look. It appears to be just a plastic black and gold striped ball, about the size of a big meatball. I ask, "What is it?"

She yells, "It's a stupid ball! I put my quarters in the wrong machine, and I want more money so I can get something else!"

I said, "I'm sure you're disappointed, but you're not getting more money. You'll just have to be more careful next time with your quarters."

I turn the ball over and see a Mizzou logo.

Then I add, "Eww, Mizzou! I gotta admit, kid, you did get super ripped off here."

Monday, June 27, 2011

How the eff is Ambien even legal?

Took some to sleep last night, and apparently scared the crap out of the wife. Called her down to the basement to tell her that the light was crawling the walls and I was scared because I didnt know if it was going to take me to sleep or to hell. Then, I proceeded to [front] grope her while staring at the DVR light. How is a drug that does that approved by the FDA?

Friday, June 24, 2011

I just p^ssed all over myself at work...

in the can, standing at a urinal talking to the dude next to me about how nice the weather is..."blah blah blah, gonna play golf this weekend, yeah, should be nice, beautiful day, you know it, hahahaha, blah blah"...goes on for 20-30 seconds. I look down and the stream of piss is hitting my shirt tail that is sticking out a bit (I mean a lot, you know, I'm huge) and then forming a perfect stream to my pants are very effective at catching all the piss as it looks like none hit the floor.

Walk back to my office was not awesome; grabbed a 'Penske' file to cover the damage. Supposed to go to happy hour in an hour or so. Good times.

let me say this about the night life in portland

it's 5x that of seattle, which sucks ass, so that's not saying much.

a few great areas with lots of potential. except i've never seen a bigger collection of hipster####ingdirtylosers in my life.

and one more thing: if you're a gay bar, how about a little rainbow or a pink dot or SOMETHING in your sign or entrance door for a clue?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

i might as well have set the guy's hair on fire.

walking along, minding my business in helsinki. then got the call.

"oh, #### me."

so i spot this big hotel. can't find the lobby loo. go to the front desk and pull out my map and ask for directions to someplacenotatoliet. i smile and thank her. " oh, where is the restroom?"

" it's around the corner. through our restaurant."

that's an x factor that doesn't bode well, historically, i'm thinking.

find it and it's half the size of my dorm room in taft. and there's a separate door for the sorry-piece of plastic uni-bucket they call a toliet. i open the door and have to curtsey with it to get behind it just to close it. just in time -- and in concert with a few coughs -- bowels evacuated. i've been walking for two hours, it's hot, there's no A/C and now i'm sweating like a pig. perfect.

i see the door lock twist. some poor bastard is trying to get in. "bad day for you, mother####er" i'm thinking. but i bee-line out and as i dance with door to get out, the guy is nearly rushing the door to get in. i'm staring at the floor the whole time, but the sick part of me does look up to steal a glance into his euro-eyes to see dreams of an age completely dashed. as he's closing the door, i hear sort of a walrus moan.

in the business, we call that a two-fer.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Gave my neighbor kid an old wood baseball bat.

They were out pitching and catching balls. He grew up without bucks. I let them play ball in the back yard. The kids were rubbing the wood bat like it was treasure. "Where did you get that mister?" Priceless.

Monday, June 13, 2011

you wanted a cow story

So late last week I had a cow getting close to calve. I was pretty excited about it as it is one of my favorite cows as far as quality goes, and I had trouble getting her to breed last year. (she was bred, dropped the pregrancy) Thursday night around 11, I walked out in the pasture to go check on her. Everything looked good and I figured she would probably calve overnight. I got up at around 5 the next morning, and walked out to the pasture. She had a very nice little heifer calf dried off and at her side. The calf was healthy and had already nursed. I finished feeding, and went off to work.

After work I got home I needed to go out and weigh and tag the calf. I went out to the pasture and started looking for the calf. I could not find the calf anywhere. I found the cow but no calf. I walked up over a little hill and on the other side of it found this.

What I found was half of a calf carcass. The carcass was seperated right in front of the pelvic bone. Just the rear legs and a tail were there. As you can guess I am all WTF. There was no blood, no guts, nothing other than the bottom half of this calf. My mind was pretty much racing at a million miles an hour. It would take something either extremely strong, or several animals to break a calf at the spine. My mind first turned to the thought of a mountain lion. They aren't supposed to be in Illinois but there are countless rumors of people seeing them in our county (even my neighbor). Then I thought possibly a pack of dogs or coyotes but it would be crazy unusual for either especially with a herd of cows to deal with.

I literally ran back to my house trying to figure out what to do since I have many other calves running around in the pasture. I decided to go back out in the pasture to see if I could find anything else. I came back, this time with a gun and searched all over, but found absolutely nothing. I also learned I am a puss. Even carrying a gun the thought of large cat had me crazy scared walking through a piece of woods on our pasture. It started getting dark so I went back up the house not finding a thing other than the carcass.

Saturday morning I decided I needed to go look again. I looked in some new spots that I hadn't covered the night before and still nothing. I decided to go look towards where the cows were laying in the far corner of the pasture. As I am walking along I stumble across a calf that I don't have tagged. I didn't have anything else close to calving, so again I am all WTF?? The calf is healthy and strong. It gets up and runs over to the cow that calved Thursday night/Friday morning and immediately starts nursing. It was pretty obvious that it was her calf. At this point I am pretty much baffled.

I started taking inventory of all cows/calves and everyone is account for which made me wonder what calf did I find Friday night.

The conclusion I have drawn is that I found a dead calf from someone elses herd. (the closest herd that I know is about 2 miles away) My guess is that they had a dead calf and either shallow buried it or put it somewhere to rot. Coyotes then carried it to my place where the back half of the carcass found its way coincidentally in to my pasture. I stumbled across it when looking for the newborn calf who was probably hiding in the tall grass somewhere. The carcass wasn't what i would call fresh, but it wasn't days old either and I just dismissed it since it was about 97 on Friday. This is my best explanation and would explain the lack of blood and guts and rest of the body.

It was quite the range of emotions between Friday nand Saturday morning. From happy to WTF to scared to baffled to happy once again. I have a call in to the neighboring farm to see if they think it could have came from their place.

Here is a happy cow/calf (not the cow/calf in question) picture to cleanse the palate

Friday, June 10, 2011

pic of the new MILFmoblie

one of my colleagues ran to my boss the other day and told him I attacked him and made him feel like

he was working in a hostile environment.

He came to me looking to vent against one of our preferred vendors (he's often complaining about vendors not doing good work for him - unless it's the vendor he tried to bring in) and I tried to offer him advice and suggestions to help resolve an issue they've had for the past 4 weeks.

he hadn't thought to do any of the things I suggested, and outright rejected them as plausible next steps or possibilities, got defensive and angry, and when I told him he was acting like an "know-it-all who knew more than everyone else and so no other scanario could possibly be right" he stormed off, came back to tell me it would do no good to go to the vendor's shop to see what they were seeing, and stormed off again still muttering something from his office loud enough for me to hear he was talking but not loud enough for me to hear what he was saying.

I blew it off as a disagreement. I hadn't gotten mad at all and in fact the conversation was no different than any disagreement I've had with any other people here, though he did get a little loud when he got defensive, and obviously he got mad when he stormed off.

Instead of coming back to me to chat about it after a cooldown period...he went and tattled to our supervisor the first chance he had (he marched over there a minute after we had talked, but our boss wasn't in his office, and so he paced outside his office in the hall).

My boss shot me an email that night saying we needed to talk about it, and I was confused. my response was "Really? What's there to discuss?" And he knew right away that since I didn't know what the hell this was about that Jared had blown this out of proportion, and once he heard my side of the story, said that the advice I gave to Jared ended up being the same advice he gave to him after Jared was done tattling. thanked me for trying and said he'd tell Jared that next time, don't go looking for advice if you're not prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. Said there was no need to apologize for calling him a "know-it-all".

Our former boss used to tell us she was tired of him tattling on us for disagreeing with him. This is a 35 year old man.

This dude offices right next to me, and though I wasn't at all upset about him getting defensive and mad, I now want to kill him for being a little thin-skinned b###h.

Monday, June 6, 2011

FYI: Dear Mr. Internet is Serious Business...

Thanks for meching me and emailing my potential boss. Thanks a bunch.

P.S. Go #### yourself with ####ing aids infected dick.

P.P.S.: I hope you die in a tirefire.

Friday, May 27, 2011

i am sufficiently boozed to ask: is there a proper way to ask out a worker at panera?

this girl is some sort of day manager but usually is working behind the counters or in back. but she kills me. so cute and friendly to people.

(and she's well over 16 creepers)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How come the threads I click don't turn green anymore?

Haven't since I switched phones?

I mean orange.

Sometimes I get green and orange mixed up and call one or the other by the wrong name.

Monday, May 9, 2011

First, let me say I'm an animal lover.

I'm not big on pets -- not from an animal rights perspective -- because they are smelly, dirty and they eff up their things. And I'm done for cleaning up other people's poo (with one exception, which hopefully won't be an issue soon).

So when I go to the zoo (pre-kids), the discussion always was on a 1-10 scale, the likelihood of killing an animal with a baseball bat. you are wearing jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt. It sparks good discussion. I think a leopard clocks in around where your high school batting average was + .1, multiplied by 10.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

im not saying i would relish the challenge

but just that at the end of the day in a kill or be killed scenario it would not be a good match up for the dog. yes he might bite my arm, but i could easily club the shit out of him with my other arm. more likely it would KO it. dogs have really small heads. im not sure they could survive a solid punch.

yeah, but even at 100lbs its still 80+ lbs less than me. and like 4 feet shorter. and very limited...

it might get in a good bite or two, but even if it jumped up on me, i could jump use the leverage to slam it to the ground. game over. it doesnt make sense to me that this is remotely controversial.

if it's biting your throat, it would be easy to grapple the dog and break its neck at that point, and thats assuming i didnt preempt a bit with a forearm or punch. obviously ive never engaged in this kind of combat, but i dont really see any scenario where a dog could kill me.

im pretty realistic. probably maxing out at the dog. some of the smaller predatory cats, maybe. id like think a smaller bear, like a black bear.... in the right circumstances could be feasible... but idk enough about their capabilities to say for certain.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Premature closure update:

Just got a call from the painter guy wanting to set up a time to assemble furniture. So, that's gonna get done. Yay.

Whilst discussing price:

Me: How much do you want for this?
HPG: I dunno, what do you think?
Me: I seriously have no clue. I don't know how long it will take, what's involved, whatever.
HPG: Uh, maybe like $30?
Me: That seems kinda chintzy. How about $40?
HPG: Interesting. I was hoping you'd go down instead of going up.

OK, now even I have to admit he probably wants to do me.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Yup, they're all done now

In theory he's coming back tonight to assemble some furniture for me.

Yeah, we'll see.

People, please never question my instincts in these things. You will never believe how tragicomic my "love life" is because you cannot experience it yourself, and it truly must be experienced to be believed.


Monday, April 18, 2011

i timed my youngest girl as she ran to the mailbox last night

and i noticed her legs were all over the fvcking place. And she's the "athlete" of the two.
Not sure if i should be concerned.

not too bight, socially inept, creeps people out.

Monday, April 11, 2011

well, i just got back from Effingham and.....

As you can see, someone is all talk. I was there for about 4 hours at a gas station nearest the interstate. I would have stayed longer to wait, but my buddy at some point in time has to get get back to his wife and kids.

i was challenged by someone and they didn't back it up. I gave him plenty of time to show up from the time the arguement started. he actually has an advantage because of the fact that he has seen me, but i haven't seen him and he still choked. You either show up or shut up.

At this point in time it is over with because what he says means nothing now because he doesn't back anything up. I dont care what people on here think of me and what you think of what i did today. If someones going to challenge my manhood, i'm going to respond. i'm not a phoney like some people.

As for some people wanting to know physical stature, When i first had that pic taken 10 years ago i was about 165 pounds,now, i'm up to 224 and i have been in extensive training for several years now. I do box and also do MMA fighting and training. I do spar alot and i do have a lot of challengers because of what i practice. Always a smartass out there that wants to see how tough you are.

I am confident in my ability and not afraid of him or anyone else. I know some wont believe it, but i dont think i have to prove anything to anyone on here anymore. Someone had their chance and they choked (as i see that they posted long after the arguement).

So in closing, this whole thing is over as far as i am concerned. I stood my ground and it looks like i had no challengers after all.

from now on i will just laugh at any idol threat from people on here.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

That tears it.

Every interview from now on, I'm gonna roll in there dressed in old-ass jeans and gnawing on a mother####in' turkey leg. Then I'm gonna take my dick out and mushroom-stamp the interviewer. Then I'm gonna dump the contents of their desk onto the floor and bare-assed fart in their face.

Dilemma. Exchange of clothes between sexy time partners.

I had an overnight guest last Thursday (answer: sober 6, drunk 8). She's 24 and just lives in town (different townie than the one a few weeks ago). I don't really have a desire to see her again because things have started heating up with a girl I actually do like.

The problem is she left with my favorite pair of sweats and sweatshirt on. I have her number, but I'm not sure if it's worth having an awkward encounter with a one night stand to get some clothes back. What do you think?

Friday, March 18, 2011

So the landscaping guy rang the doorbell this morning.

When I answered the door he asked, "Is this your yellow neon?" "Yeah" "Did you know it was up on blocks with no wheels?" "WHUUUUT???" Yeah so much for living in a nice gated community.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Friday, March 11, 2011

so I was walking out of best buy this morning. A car was stopped at the stop sign and the driver

motioned for me to cross in front of him. As soon as I started to step out in front, he gunned it and made me jump back. He was laughing his ass off. Why does the world hate me?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Charger for my laptop just went least I hope its my charger.

Ordered a new one on Amazon before the battery went out. Now how am I supposed to masturbate in the next 24 hours. With my phone? I'm sorry; I'm above that.

attended a kindergarten information night for my daughter last night

i do not want her to be in the class of the teacher that doesn't know how to pronounced "genre" and ended every sentence with "and stuff".

Friday, March 4, 2011

Stood behind a goddess today at Carle Hospital

Had a doc appt.

She was a drug rep or something. She was thin but not skinny, or she was skinny but not thin -- whichever gets the point across. She had a grey business suit on with really tight pants. She had an ass so fantastic the Pharaohs would have built pyramids to honor it.

She was light blonde, and almost as tall as me. She was prolly 5'9" or 5'10". I nearly dropped to my knees so I could literally start gnawing on her ass. She was unbelievably gorgeous. Easily one of the top 5 I have seen in person. Prolly top 3.

She was one of those rare beauties that make you prefer to run straight into a wall head-on and die, rather than live knowing you will never have sexual relations with her.

If women only knew. They think they know, but they have no clue. They cannot possibly know. It is literally impossible. Imagine all the pyramids were built to honor one hot POA and you'd have the beginnings of an understanding.

There's my perverted thought for the day. As you were.

Dear State Farm, why are you brainwashing my son

My 3 year old has a new little indiosyncrasy that is at full blown proportions. It is rather amusing I must admit, but still quite odd at the same time.

Any time, and I mean anytime a State Farm commercial comes on he stares at the television like something out of Poltergeist. He can be in a completely different room playing and he will hear a state farm commerical get up, sprint into the room and watch the rest of it. Then stop and go back to whatever he was doing.

He does this for every state farm commercial, the "with a new girlfriend / with a new boyfriend", the Bob Barker, the "can I get a hot tub". Literally all of them. He doesn't do it for anything else out there that I know of.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

when i bought my place, it came with a security system

that the previous owner had installed. i never bothered to ask how to operate it or get the codes. for 4 years it just sat there on the wall looking like it was guarding the place.

then, 2 nights ago, it decided to start beeping as if it were a smoke alarm with a dead battery. unfortunately, it's not battery-powered and i had no idea why it was beeping. i searched online for the owner's manual and found the solution of "entering the code" to stop the intermittent beep.


i soon discovered that if you press the # key, it shuts off the system for about 10 minutes. so, 2 nights ago, i got in the practice of pushing the button every 10 minutes like i was on LOST. after a couple hours of this, i thought "#### it, i'll just try pushing every button possible! one of them must surely shut it off!"


whatever i pushed activated the house alarm and i got a horrible screeching sound from a panel on my ceiling (which i had always thought was a wiring panel for surround sound speakers). i had to make it stop. i grabbed a screwdriver and a chair. i frantically scrambled up the chair and saw that the phillips head i brought was the wrong kind. #### YOU, FLATHEAD. so i began stabbing in the opening trying to silence the awful noise. all i succeeded in doing was changing the pitch of it. great, now i had a sick alarm.

i jumped back down and fumbled through my tools and found the right size and shape screwdriver and an exacto knife, unscrewed the panel and cut the wires. #### you, noise maker.

then i got home from work last night. everything seemed normal. until, *beep* *beep*


i decided the security unit was going to get the same treatment, so i pried it off the wall and sliced the wires. unfortunately, it wouldn't sit back on the wall properly and i didn't want bare, cut wires hanging off the wall of my entryway, so i had to glue it back on.

hope the next owners like it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

So last night, i wasn't feeling good and was tired and irritated.

And mrs was feeling the same way, and we were sniping at each other, and then she made a crack (I'm not sure I even remember the specifics of what it was - I know it had to do with a drain in the basement or garage) and I got mad and threw the remote at the couch across the room.

I aimed at the cushions. But I missed and hit the wood part.


It's been a long time since i've really lost my temper like that.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Man I must've been still mostly asleep when dressin this morning.

I can't believe I put boxers on and then jeans. I almost always go commando in jeans feels awfully cramped.

My junk shows and the friction of jeans on cock can cause a party in my pants...until it hurts.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Thursday, February 10, 2011

When I was 21 and pretty much looking to bang anything that walked

I went out with a couple of buddies of mine. I met some chick there and she gave me her number to call her later.

I waited the appropriate amount of time (like 3 or 4 days I can't recall at this moment) and called her and had a pleasant conversation with her. We decided to meet up the following evening at one of my buddies house and she would bring a friend with her for my pal.

She shows up wearing sweatpants. I figure, what the hell, maybe she's just down to earth. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't have a high school diploma. Okay, Okay I can handle this, she wants to get her GED, so thats cool, right?

No big deal, we continue with our evening and she informs us that she's hungry. Still wanting to get laid, I figure this has to be my way in. I ask what she wants to eat and she decides to just pick up the phone and dial carryout. She wanted some rib tips from the local strip club. This is strike 3 for me now but I am sucked into this evening and can't figure a way out.

We go and pickup the rib tips and she runs in with her friend. There was no way I was paying a cover to get some carryout. She comes back and starts to tell a story of something that occurred while she was in there. I can't recall the story but it must have been funny because all I can remmber was the ending when she said "I was ####in gagging, yo."

We took the rib tips back to my buddies place (they were pretty good) and called it a night. She did not get a follow up call from me.

That's all, just thought I'd share.

Friday, February 4, 2011

While I was parking the van

in front of the business, a guy clipped my mirror with his car. No scratches so we called it even.  He was an old oriental guy.  I was getting ready to parallael park when he came over against me. I hollared his plate numbers to write down. He stopped right away and told me a guy pulled out from a parking spot amd forced him against my vehicle. He was concerned about our safety. I asked him if he had no damage to his vehicle and he said no. My mirror was alright. The old guy was shaken. I said don't worry about it.

Friday, January 14, 2011

i slept in the guest room for a handful of nights last week

little Al's ears were bothering her, wanted to be near mom, so i retreated to basement guest room.

took morning whizz at 6a and upon entering the room to re-rack, was greeted with a cloud of code brown smell. "holy hell , what did I eat? must have been fartin' up a storm in here. nasssty. " cracked a window, re-racked.

kids come down at 7 to say goodbye and both give me the stink-eye: " Daaadddd" " I know, girls. your dad is a powerful man. remember that. " Quick hug, off to school.

I go to bed the next night late. Though not nearly as much, it STILL stinks in the room. Now the only minor phobia i have ( stinking ) kicks in. I start thinking that it's part of age and i ooze some funky old man juice and i've got to go to Sears in the morning and Weatherbeat myself.

i start to wonder if i will ever sleep in the same room with my wife. I sleep downstairs again the next few nights, window cracked a fist's worth.

mrs. comes down one day to my office and passes the bedroom door. "why's the door closed?"

" You know my phobia about stinking, right?"

"yeah, it's not a phobia, you're just a little sensitive about it."

"well, the room rekes like a korean elevator. i can't figure it out. it just stinks and i think it's in the sheets now. my god, it's like that henry james novel, beast in the jungle. what i've obsessed over has come back to haunt me."

mrs. walks in the room, lobs the gratuitous "smells like an old person in here" and notices a dog shit on the comforter.

"there's your beast in the jungle, henry."

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

There once was a barista from Seattle

whose daily grind was more akin to a battle.
But I soon found her cup of tea,
and heavens it surely pleased me,
was to ride her hard like a herd of cattle.