Friday, September 25, 2009

I really hate doing PAPs.

If you guys only knew what I had to sudject my eyes and nose to everyday. Times like these I don't get paid enough. Sometimes I need two nurses in the room to assist on holding things back so I can see. I really try to get the women to go to their OB/Gyn docs, but some insist on having me do it with their physicals.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Any beer that needs a lime to make it drinkable is pi$$ poor beer.

They should stick to what they do well. Burritos, landscaping, roof repair.

Worst opening line of a phone conversation of all time?

"So me and (ex boyfriend's name) had a really long talk last night, and we worked out a lot of our problems" This was followed by 15 minutes of "I'm sorrys" and "I know I kind of led you on, but I love (boyfriend) and I have to see where it ends up"

I should have yelled at her, cursed at her, told her off... but of course I have no guts, so I just took it. Guess that visit in a couple weeks isn't happening. Cool.

Looks like I'm back to being the guy that's good at talking to other guy's women. It was a fun couple days, while it lasted.

#### her, #### me, #### him. God I ####ing suck.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Although I am a flaming liberal, I am thinking of supporting content limits on the webs

As a father of four boys who all know how to use the internet, I am beginning to worry that they will eventually "stumble" onto unsuitable sites. As such, tonight when the lovely and talented Mrs. goes to her Book Club, I am going to take a couple hours out of my extremely tight schedule to systematically block every pron site I can find. I don't really have the time to spare, but I will do it for my kids.

HERE'S WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP: I am informed and believe that there may be some pron sites out there. Please let me know which ones I should block. Please help me help my kids (and solidify my nomination for Father of the Year). TIA

P.S. They will probably only stumble across sites that are FREE, void of pop-ups and viruses, and have quality material updated daily, so feel free to limit your suggestions based on these criteria. Please also double-check for spelling accuracy, as I'd really hate to block a broken link

Monday, September 14, 2009

When my wife worked on a different floor of the hospital,

she had to start catheters all the time. I once asked her how many penises she handled in an average week. She said maybe 7-10. So she totally knows what she's missing out on. And it kept me up the night after I asked that question.

I did something I'm not particularly proud of last night, but it sure felt good.

Loose puck in front of their goalie. I poke at it several times to try and score a goal. Whistle blows and I stop. Goalie felt I stopped too late and went after me with gloves and stick up at my face. I defended myself by pulling him down and with our gloves and helmets off I wailed on the goalie's face with my fist about a half dozen times.

In the whole scrum I don't remember much other than my hits but think there were quite a bit of the goalie's teammates coming to his failed rescue and as a result I got a 3" long x 1/2" wide Gorby-like bruise on my forehead. Never felt anyone hitting me nor exactly know how I got that bruise but it sure was fun.

The not-so-proud part was that the wife and kids were at the game and they were visibly shaken by the incident thinking I was at the bottom of the pile (I wasn't) and getting mauled. Plus, it didn't help when #14 (not the goalie) was tossed shortly after I left the ice and wanted to get to my locker room and kill me.

Kids are still talking about it this morning. I tried to tell them last night that what I did was a bad thing although I was defending myself but I think I need to do something else to get them over it. Maybe Sea World / Aquatica next Sunday since I'll be suspended that game.

6 punches, though. Felt good. Don't eff with me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I really hate rebates

They give me $5 rebate on a 5 gallon bucket of driveway sealer. Give me the money up front! I bought 6 buckets. All these Menards rebates are sent to Elk Mound, Wisconsin. What kind of Northwoods Elk hunting hillbillies live there?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Health care debate via Star Wars-themed haiku

Rebel costs explode
No Empire volume discounts
Rest in peace, Porkins

antilles quite pleased
yavin victory award
rogue squadron group plan

Cloud City Health plan:
Lobot death panel prescribes
carbonite freezing

The widow Greedo
fights for insurance payout
Han shot first, dammit

Waiting in line at Doctor
Any more Questions?

Empire Run Healthcare
How bad could they screw it up?
Third Death Star's a Charm

Memo to Jedis:
The Force can't waive a copay.
Stop being so cheap.

Peaceful Alderaan
Free health care for everyone

Owen & Beru
care not about health care plans
"death panels," indeed

Luke seemed to do fine
with single payer healthcare
sweet new robot hand

To hide dependents
from insurers, Sand People
travel single file

Monday, September 7, 2009

Life's too short to give sports that much weight

I was slightly miffed yesterday when the game started and it was apparent we weren't going to show up. But, it's a game and it's not worth making my mood bad. There are too many other important things... just decided that other things are too important to me right now, I'm getting married in 21 days and life is good. But if you want to take it that way and pile on, feel free.

I'm not lording over anyone. Sounds like you might be taking it a little too seriously. You do realize the whole idea of sports is entertainment, right? And my comment about getting married was more to point out that we all have important things going on. I mean seriously, I want them to do well, and I cheer for them and want success, but why let something ruin a great weekend or day for you. If you seriously get depressed about a college football game and let it ruin a nice long weekend for you, then in my opinion, unpopular as it might be, your taking a GAME TOO SERIOUSLY. You can disagree, you can b###h and moan at me all you want, but that's how I feel, and people on this board give opinions and feelings every day all day.

I totally lose perspective at times. I just tend to react pretty strongly when people get SO upset about sports. Not the venue to process through that, I agree, but that's my reaction.

*rides into sunset on high horse*