Friday, November 30, 2007

I moved out of my apartment in Chicago the summer before I moved here

I spent that summer in the burbs at a buddy's house.

I waited until the last minute to move out of my old apartment. My lease was ending at midnight and I had to be completely moved out or I would be fined. I had moved the majority of my stuff to my parents' house over the previous few weeks and just had to drop off my clothes at my buddy's place.

Since I barely had anything, I decided to just rent a minivan and would go to visit my girlfriend in Cleveland the following morning. I was going to return the minivan there and fly back to Chicago the following Sunday.

I packed everything up about 9PM and made a final walk though. I then realized that I had forgot about my mattress. The mattress was too big to fit into the minivan. I decided to go all mexican on it and tie it to the roof. I didn't tie it down well though.

I got on the interstate and the minivan started getting airborne as the wind went under the mattress. I pulled over and retied it and got back on the interstate. The minivan almost went airborne.

So I called my buddy and asked him if any regular streets go all the way out to Naperville. He suggested Roosevelt road.

I drove down roosevelt road at like 20 miles per hour... then the mattress started flying all over when i was driving through the projects at 11 PM.

I decided that I needed to get rid of the mattress... so I pulled under a bridge and started cutting off the rope with a knife.

A guy on a bicycle came out from under the bridge and started eyeballing me. He was drinking a 40 at the time. He was riding his bike back and forth pass me. I thought he was going to kill me.

I cut the last rope and pushed the mattress off the roof and floored the minivan leaving tire marks on my way out.

Looking back, the guy that came out from under the bridge was homeless. He was eyeballing my mattress and not me. He must have thought it was his lucky day... but I thought I was going to die.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Monday, November 19, 2007


I am a know-it-all-never-wrong-big mean attorney-who drives an audi and posts my new house construction plans on the Internet.......




Tuesday, November 13, 2007

So last night as we are eating supper, our 8 yo asks his mother

"Did you really sit on Dad's shoulders while you were at a concert?" mrs didn't hear him, b/c she was walking away from us toward the stove, so he asked again. mrs kind of chuckled and said, "yes, i did. but i was 20 pounds lighter then."

I immediately piped up, just a bit incredulously "20 pounds???" She spun on that heel and fixed me with a glare that would frighten a monster. Before she could complete the spin, i started, "no no no - what i mean is i can't believe you have even put on 20 pounds since then. i couldn't tell at all!"

She didn't buy it.

This time, however, the story does not end with me in the doghouse.

Shortly after mrs sat down to eat more food, she noticed a lady bug on my plate. Real sassy-like, she asked me, "you going to eat that?" I reached down and let it crawl on my finger. My first thought was to stick it in her face and say, "no, you eat it."

Instead, i popped that ladybug thing in my mouth. You should've heard it crunch! I ate that thing right down. mrs's eyes went and her jaw hit the floor as she screamed.

My 8 yo and i just

I didn't hear anymore about my earlier crack, tho.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Dead or sleeping?

my guess was that car came home late and still had some warmth on the hood from the engine. It was cool over night, but I find it strange to still be sleeping at 9 AM this morning out in the open with cars coming and going. If it's dead, though, I also don't know why a dead raccoon was randomly on some car.

Got my first massage on Friday

It was also my last. It stressed me out more than relaxed me. I'm a pretty jumpy person and I don't really like being touched like that. I went into it hoping it might help some of the aches in my muscles I have had from running and stuff. I don't feel like I got any benefit from the massage whatsoever and the next day, my shoulders and back were sore. She told me to relax several times.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I can't pronounce the word beer. It comes out sounding like bear.

I cant say words with a ng in the middle of them
Tip cows
say the word "bagel" properly
Shoot rubber bands
Roll my "r's"
Take the day after Thanksgiving off without using a vacation day
Buy liquor on Sundays
blow bubbles
catch a snipe when i go snipe hunting
snort like a pig
or whistle.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Seizure in a tub.

If she had some laundry detergent with her... should could have washed a load of clothing on her way out.

one of my secretaries quit our firm to work at the local strip joint.

apparently she more than tippled her income. When we figured out where she was working (she wouldn't tell us when she left) we organized a field trip to see her.

When she came on and saw the dozen of us lined around the stage, she refused to dance. One of the bouncers asked us to move back, so we did.
she is/was OK looking

after she danced, she came out to talk to us. I guess if she was that self conscious, she shouldn't be taking her clothes off in a public place

it was the day before her bday

and we were having a party at our apt. the next day. i lied to her and told her i had to go help out my best friend because she was having girlfriend troubles (her gf at the time was psycho). in reality, it was a set-up, i went and gave a key to my bf and some other stuff to set up in the apt. I went back and told that my bf said she would come finish the cleaning (she was a cleaning person at the time so it made sense) and we should go to the movies. so i took her to see monsoon wedding.

when we got back, there were rose petals and candles and such all over the apt. i put on a cd that she had made me of 'our songs'. we danced all the way through the whole cd, until we got back to the first song, which was "our song" when we started dating. by this point, it was past midnight so it was officially her bday, so i told her i was going into the bedroom to get her present. i went and got the ring and came back out and asked her. the rest, as they say...

Currently wearing one brown shoe and one cordovan shoe

I wore the black shoes out Friday night and the cordovan shoes to work on Friday. I forgot to put them away, so they were all sort of sitting next to each other next to the dresser.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

that's what my 13 y.o. went as for Halloween last night

very short Daisy Duke's and all. Daddy was not pleased.

A former co-worker of mine partied with Chris Farley...

She was the office manager and went to lunch at Heaven on Seven on Rush as I recall. She and a friend ran into Farley and his entourage there. Were invited out and hit numerous bars until late in the evening, blowing off the afternoon of work.

Next day she comes in looking severely hung over and we were wondering what happened to her. She then tells me and another guy this story. We make the offhand comment that Farley was going to drink himself into an early grave if he kept it up.

Not an hour later, the first reports of his body being found came over the radio.

Freaked the carp out of us. We told the office manager, and she thought we were joking until we made her listen to the news herself.

A few years ago, my friends met Bob Saget at a bar on Rush Street. He was alone. And piss-wasted. They took him back to my friend's apartment and got him high. That is all.