Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm a blonde with enormous cans who dresses kinda trashy--I look easy.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
At some point, he complained that his stiff penis hurt and Mrs. told him to put a cold rag on it. Since then, almost every night, my pantless son gets up from his bed about 5 minutes after laying down, goes to the bathroon, and walks back explaining that he just needed to "get a cold rag for [his] penis."
Is this normal?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
well, i do. and in those rare moments when i achieve one of those, it makes me worried that i'd like being a receiver.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By the way, none of them would claim to be perfect, either.
But you, you’re being singled out because of the “beliefs” you claim to share with these girls? No, you’re being singled out because you’re an entitled, hypocritical Hot Girl who won’t shut the #### up already. No one wants to hear a Hot Girl talk, especially a Hot Girl who works so hard to present herself as a Hot Girl. If you’re hot and you’re a girl and you want to talk, you’d better have something interesting to say. Otherwise, shut up and get naked. That’s what Hot Girls are for.
Trouble is, you don’t have anything interesting to say. You only want to talk about yourself. About how unfair it is that you didn’t win the Ultimate Hot Girl Challenge, all because you courageously expressed a political opinion held by the majority of U.S. voters. About how the mean ol’ media* won’t let your pontificating go unchallenged when your own actions undermine the authenticity of your expressed values. About how you’re being “punished for exercising your right to free speech,” apparently because you expect the unique privilege of saying whatever dumbass things you want without suffering the indignity of being called a dumbass.
The fact that you have nothing interesting to say has little to do with your being a Hot Girl. True, as a Hot Girl, you have the deficit of being assumed to be stupid, yet it’s entirely possible to be physically beautiful but intelligent and respected (think Audrey Hepburn—and think about what set her apart from you). And it has little to do with your beliefs. Plenty of people who share your political and religious views are able to function normally in day-to-day life without throwing a hissy fit every time someone disagrees with them.
It has everything to do with your apparent obsession with controlling what people think of you, and your blindness to your own words and actions in creating their perceptions. You are young, beautiful, wealthy, and famous, and you really don’t understand why people can’t take you seriously as a martyr?
No, you don’t, so now you’ve rendered your extended tantrum in hardback form. And because the publishing industry is rotten with people who are even more self-serving and oportunistic than you, naturally you were able to find someone who was only too happy to profit from your obtuseness.
So, congrats on that. No, really: plaudits. You’ll be gettin’ paid, and it’s the American Way.
And although I do not object to your enriching yourself in this way (well, I do object for abstract reasons that I can’t blame you for), I do object to your conscripting Jesus into your one-beauty-queen crusade. So as long as you plan to show a watching world that Jesus died for our right to get boob jobs and say dumb shit without people being mean to us about it, people like me will be here to urge you to reconsider your…well, your everything.
I know, I know. I probably should remove the log from my eye before trying to get the speck out of yours. But I’m not perfect either.
* Also colloquially known as the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Wait—what was that about mockery being reserved for conservative women…?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
There are more people that think this way, than you think.
Most murders aren't well thought out, and there are some murders that are unsolved. If I were to plan out a murder, making sure to leave no DNA, witnesses, evidence, it makes proving a murder very difficult. I'm not saying I would get away with it, but there is a good enough chance to risk it if you hate a person enough and won't be judged after death.
the lead singer looked great in chick clothes.
me, not so much. the shoes were unforgiving.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I should have yelled at her, cursed at her, told her off... but of course I have no guts, so I just took it. Guess that visit in a couple weeks isn't happening. Cool.
Looks like I'm back to being the guy that's good at talking to other guy's women. It was a fun couple days, while it lasted.
#### her, #### me, #### him. God I ####ing suck.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
HERE'S WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP: I am informed and believe that there may be some pron sites out there. Please let me know which ones I should block. Please help me help my kids (and solidify my nomination for Father of the Year). TIA
P.S. They will probably only stumble across sites that are FREE, void of pop-ups and viruses, and have quality material updated daily, so feel free to limit your suggestions based on these criteria. Please also double-check for spelling accuracy, as I'd really hate to block a broken link
Monday, September 14, 2009
In the whole scrum I don't remember much other than my hits but think there were quite a bit of the goalie's teammates coming to his failed rescue and as a result I got a 3" long x 1/2" wide Gorby-like bruise on my forehead. Never felt anyone hitting me nor exactly know how I got that bruise but it sure was fun.
The not-so-proud part was that the wife and kids were at the game and they were visibly shaken by the incident thinking I was at the bottom of the pile (I wasn't) and getting mauled. Plus, it didn't help when #14 (not the goalie) was tossed shortly after I left the ice and wanted to get to my locker room and kill me.
Kids are still talking about it this morning. I tried to tell them last night that what I did was a bad thing although I was defending myself but I think I need to do something else to get them over it. Maybe Sea World / Aquatica next Sunday since I'll be suspended that game.
6 punches, though. Felt good. Don't eff with me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
No Empire volume discounts
Rest in peace, Porkins
antilles quite pleased
yavin victory award
rogue squadron group plan
Cloud City Health plan:
Lobot death panel prescribes
The widow Greedo
fights for insurance payout
Han shot first, dammit
Waiting in line at Doctor
Any more Questions?
Empire Run Healthcare
How bad could they screw it up?
Third Death Star's a Charm
Memo to Jedis:
The Force can't waive a copay.
Stop being so cheap.
Free health care for everyone
Owen & Beru
care not about health care plans
"death panels," indeed
Luke seemed to do fine
with single payer healthcare
sweet new robot hand
To hide dependents
from insurers, Sand People
travel single file
Monday, September 7, 2009
I'm not lording over anyone. Sounds like you might be taking it a little too seriously. You do realize the whole idea of sports is entertainment, right? And my comment about getting married was more to point out that we all have important things going on. I mean seriously, I want them to do well, and I cheer for them and want success, but why let something ruin a great weekend or day for you. If you seriously get depressed about a college football game and let it ruin a nice long weekend for you, then in my opinion, unpopular as it might be, your taking a GAME TOO SERIOUSLY. You can disagree, you can b###h and moan at me all you want, but that's how I feel, and people on this board give opinions and feelings every day all day.
I totally lose perspective at times. I just tend to react pretty strongly when people get SO upset about sports. Not the venue to process through that, I agree, but that's my reaction.
*rides into sunset on high horse*
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
seriously. i bet there's tons of women who want bigger tatas.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
But I tell you what, I'll forgive all of this if you simply switch your fat ass to diet pop on future visits.
I realize I have had some problem, and putting them on a message board asking for advice, is asking to get my ass lectured. That's fine. The reason I put my problems out there, is because I don't know any of you and you don't know any of me, so this is a place for unbiased advice. I didn't care if the advice was that I'm a moron, and a screw up, at least it was said to me, for my own good, in the forum that I presented it.
But I don't read this blog, Like I said, I had never heard of it until about 15 minutes ago. I'm never mentioned by name, but it's obvious the post was about me. I don't know whose blog this is, but if you would take that post down, I'd appreciate it. Because no one here knows the whole story, the extent of what has happened to me, and writing about it in a blog without knowing those things is unfair.
I'll say it again, I have no idea who I'm calling out right now, so sorry if I come across as an asshole, but I present my problems to this board because I need advice, and using my issues as a soapbox on your blog is unfair.
EDIT: I won't change anything from the original post, but I didn't get the purpose of this blog or whatever the hell it is when I wrote this. Still doesn't sit well, but that's fine disregard this and I'll get over it, I'm a big boy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
If you get your act together now, get good grades at parkland, get into UofI or some other solid school then four years from now some employer is going to look at your transcripts and realize you overcame a few back decisions and overlook them. You make a pattern of bad decisions and you'll never stand a chance at getting hired.
Listen kid, I'm not trying to be a prick here, but I see you making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. My first 2 semesters at UofI I just skated by and partied so much my third semester that I had to withdraw from all of my classes. Luckily I never had to leave the Uni, but it took me the next 5 semesters to pull my gpa out of the gutter just to get to a 3.2. Because of that I missed out on some great jobs that I really wanted and made me settle for sub par jobs. It took going to grad school and getting straight A's to get the type of job I wanted at a competitive place to work.
It may seem to you now that you'll have plenty of time now to buckle down and turn your life around, but trust me, the decisions you are making now are going to take a lot longer to overcome than you may think. Sit down TODAY, and think about what you really want to do in the future and make the changes necessary to get there. Otherwise you are going to let your bad decisions dictate your future.
2 fifths of tequila
1 fifth of whiskey
1 fifth of vodka
1 fifth of schnapps
1 case of bud light
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
WTF kind of loser walks out on me when I'm all naked and such? Idiot.
You heard me. He took my clothes off and left.
We do this.
I'm kinda drunk and shouldn't be saying this shit.
But he's the one who got me drunk, so I kinda don't care.
I know. I look pretty good naked. At least for my genre. I'm guessing most broads my age don't look that good naked anymore. I, on the other hand, still got it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
5-15 minutes they said. All the other dudes had gone to the Pink Monkey.
After a half hour I said screw it and took a cab to Sax Hotel (used to be House of Blues Hotel). On the way I said "Hey, do you know the way to the Pink Monkey?" He didn't... just as well... on to the hotel.
In bed at about 1. Suburban cab driver called at 1:15. Didn't answer.
It wouldn't have been so bad wearing the same clothes today if I hadn't dropped a piece of sushi down the front of my shirt.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Probably 25 years ago. she was coming out of a divorce and spent Christmas with us.
My wife suggested that she had a need and she (the s-i-l) agreed.
Isn't life interesting
Monday, June 1, 2009
He is in jail. That or out on bail. Whiskey drinker. I hope she gets her own place.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I've never understood this whole thing where chicks apparently don't blow dudes after they get hitched.
Meh, I've had to beg for c*** all my adult life, doubt it will stop any time soon
Also, chicks who don't enjoy cock in their mouth need to get a clue.
Friday, May 29, 2009
"Grandma GG, I am so so so so sorry that you are almost gonna die."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'm definitely out of practice. Shudder to think how sensitive my gag reflex is.
I hope that taking it up the pooper could be something very special between me and the love of my life, but I can't afford a car payment. It's no offense to any qualified auto mechanic who probably doesn't happen to also be the love of my life.
Eh, as I recall, I'm pretty kinky, so I'll be all right
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
so he charters a small prop plane. on board: two pilots, two real estate guys and the investor. as they are boarding, the guy feels the shot over the bow. but he can't turn back. figures he can back-burner it and unload when they get back. after all, it's a short flight.
as soon as the wheels leave the ground, this guy knows it's over. and it's a bumpy, noisy flight. feels the runaway train coming down the tracks. and at 2000 feet, he opens the bomb bay doors and craps himself.
shock and awe. keep in mind, this ain't Air Force One. it's a teensy plane ( with apparently no toilet. nor Folger's can ). the smell is mind-bending. horrific. nausau is now the big b###h on the plane. extraordinary times = extraordinary measures, so the guy takes off his pants, balls them up and they try to throw it out the window. but it blows back in and all over the place.
the smell, the commotion and the added turbulence has everyone sick. the pilot throws up, the investor throws up and so does everyone else. and they have to emergency land the thing.
instead of the guy landing a $10 million deal, he has to pay $10 K to get the plane professionally cleaned.
I met a girl on Match about three weeks ago, who lives in Northwest Indiana (bout a 35 minute drive from where I'm currently residing). We spoke on the phone a few times and really hit it off. She's only 21 but it became fairly obvious pretty early on that's she was quite "sexually experimental" and a bit on the wild side, but I had no idea of what I was going to find out after a few dates.
The first date we just went out for coffee, where I found out that she's bisexual (LAM?) and also going through the proceedings of a divorce (Anti-LAM). Usually news like this would immediately end my pursuit of said girl, but I carried on, because I quite enjoy her company.
So on our next date, she dropped some additional information on her life. Apparently, her job at a daycare center isn't her only source of income. She has worked for the past six months doing a few amateur-ish porn shoots and a video involving her and another girl. I tried my best to make it seem like I wasn't shocked by this revelation so she continued on...she has been recently contacted by the boss of the guy she's shooting with who wants her to do a video with two guys (big black men down low) and our willing to pay her something like $7,500 for the scene. She hasn't yet decided if she's going to go for it, and asked my opinion...
Now...if you saw this girl, you would NEVER ever think she would be into this. She supposedly attends church every sunday with her Mother, who has no idea shes into anything like this.
My question is...do I continue seeing this girl just for the adventure of it, or do I cut ties and move on?
Also, if she's already told me this much, how much worse is it going to get?
Friday, May 1, 2009
We had to sit *ON* the dance floor, so we couldn't even talk to each other without shouting.
The bill before tip was something like $1,200.
We made the cab go through a burger king drive through on the way back to our hotel just a couple hours later.
I have no use for places like that. I could give a flying #### what my foor looks like. I'm here to eat.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I did the Heimlich maneuver on my mother-in-law....on Mother's Day, no less.
I pulled up to a stoplight and a drunk was passed out with his car rolling towards the intersection
I hopped out and put the car in park and woke him up, then drove his car over to the side of the road and told him to call someone.
I refrained from a killing an old cubicle mate who ate too loud.
I pulled a garage open to someone who trying to kill themselves through carbon monoxide.
Monday, April 27, 2009
*lets sleeping dog lie*
Friday, April 24, 2009
i have been arrested 4 times
i went through a stripper phase in dating
i posed nude for money in college
i have experience with trained falcons
i bought condoms to a family reunion and used them
i have been hit by a car in garcias parking lot
i tore my acl/mcl/miniscus in a drunke trampoline accident and still partied till dawn on easter sunday
i once ate 4 monster burgers in one evening and spilled my extra large beverage in the hardees lobby 5 times...each time asking for a free refill...then work up on the toilet with explosive bowels
i shaved my basektball number in my head in 8th grade
i have totalled 4 cars
i almost died twice in mexico...once with "jay-z" in a pot deal gone bad and then losing 30 lbs in 3 days due to some unknown stomach issue...i dropped into random non english speaking clinics to shots of demerol to keep my party goin
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Here's one I painted probably 10 years ago.
Here's a more recent one.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
i get the message across to let the parents know that i was pissed off
i shouldn't have to be disturbed by your f*cking kid. having a kid doesn't give you the right to bother people and no i don't have to deal with it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
human services jobs are worthwhile and rewarding, but I'd want better for my kids.
let's attribute it to cultural differences. For Russians, earning ability is much more important factor in viewing one's career as "successful" than intangible factors like job satisfaction and helping others.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Needless to say I was a little resistant to the idea of my MIL giving me a massage. But after a couple of days I relented.
It was...different. I had a hard time relaxing at first, but I eventually did.
But then the wife started trying the stuff her mom was showing her while her mom was working on a different part of me. So I was getting a massage from my wife and her mother at the same time.
I really don't know how to describe that other than conflicting. Or something.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Very few guys care about the last 10% between a ''rockin bod'' and the level of perfection of Adriana Lima
Thursday, April 2, 2009
"i'm stuck up north for a few hours, waiting for the geniuses to fix my computer. i'll be home after dinner."
" can't you come earlier? i've got stuff to put in the pantry and i don't want to open the door."
"they're dead, y'know. completely kaput."
silence. so i get home and undo the traps, dropping the little critters in a WalMart bag, trucking out to garage. " hey, mice do a sort of reverse meconium. both of them had a little crap pellet sidled up next to their carcasses. and one had this *really surprised* look across his chops."
i had grabbed one by the tail and dangled it before my eyes.
"THAT'S GROSS.!" so i took an ammonia wipe and cleaned the crime scenes, dried it off and re-set the traps.
this was, in fact, the perfect set-up. tomorrow, after another kill, i will find a rubber mouse, stick it in a trap, and do the switcheroo at the appropriate time, lowering it into my mouth.
i can't ####ing wait.
Monday, March 23, 2009
at some point you have to grow up and put away those childish things.
Monday, March 16, 2009
If you do what she asks, she cries.
If you anticipate a need of hers and meet it without her even asking, she cries.
I'm not knockin you chicks, btw, I have no doubt that what you are experiencing there is very real. Man is that roller coaster tough to deal with, especially after 9 months when if we just do what you ask, it pretty much assauges most of your angst, if not all the discomfort.
Friday, March 13, 2009
But no, seriously, people do this?! Dudes, have you ever done this to a broad? Chicks, has a dude ever done this to you, and how did you respond?
I had a friendly conversation with this dude but said there was no way I was giving a stranger my contact information.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A 30 year old guy having sex with a 14 year old girl is rape
a 30 year old woman having sex with a 14 year old boy is a public service.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
from about 3 months to 24 months, Indian babies are much cuter than white babies
after about 24 months, the features start filling in and it doesn't really matter
Black babies are cuter than both.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
"yes, honey, i'm teaching that class at the high school this week, remember?'
"at the high school? which class?'
then she slowly just starts to giggle a little bit, a little more and finishes with a bit of an eye roll.
"help me out, what's up?"
"daaaaad, GIRLS teach music, not BOYS." still giggling a bit.
i took a minute to explain the differences ( of course, GIRLS teach music -- but i'm teaching music HISTORY. much more manly.)
then i slammed the little b###h's head up against her head board and put a choke hold on her until she passed out.