Monday, December 28, 2009

If an ugmo hits on you, are you flattered or insulted?

Or both? Or something else? I don't really mean ugly, just someone less attractive than you. I mean, enough of an attractiveness differential that you kinda wonder, "Really? You thought this might work out?" About 90% of the dudes taking aim at me, I'm thinking, "You really think you might see me naked?" How is it a compliment if some ugmo thinks I'm in his league?

I'm a blonde with enormous cans who dresses kinda trashy--I look easy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Almost every night, my 3 year old son takes off his pants when he goes to bed,

does a leg exercise he's been doing since he was about 6 months (he calls it "Pilates," as in "I'm doing my Pilates") and gets an erection.

At some point, he complained that his stiff penis hurt and Mrs. told him to put a cold rag on it. Since then, almost every night, my pantless son gets up from his bed about 5 minutes after laying down, goes to the bathroon, and walks back explaining that he just needed to "get a cold rag for [his] penis."

Is this normal?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

all about me!

live in blm and have been in IL waaay longer than i thought i would be. by my name you know that i am female. the afro indicates that i am black. unfortunately there is nothing in the name to tell that i am vertically challenged and have big nipples. no worries though! i work at a job that i hate, and admired the people that quit today (someday that will be me!) let's see.. i like men and women but i am catholic (read- repressed!) but with the help of good friends i will be getting out of it. have not had sex in 15 months and at this stage would sleep with almost anything. did i omit anything??

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

scatalogical observation

does any other dude feel great when you push out a big, massive, circumferentially superior log?

well, i do. and in those rare moments when i achieve one of those, it makes me worried that i'd like being a receiver.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dear Vacuous Whore Who Won't Shut Up:

There are plenty of pretty, young Christian girls who actually live out the values that you claim to espouse. They live the ordinary lives that the vast majority of teenagers do, full of school and activities and family. They don’t enter beauty pageants, whether it’s because they’re not dumb enough to take absurdity as reality or because they’re too busy doing worthwhile things like serving others through church and community organizations. They respect themselves enough to think their sexual health is worth protecting, so they don’t sex (or sext) their boyfriends.

By the way, none of them would claim to be perfect, either.

But you, you’re being singled out because of the “beliefs” you claim to share with these girls? No, you’re being singled out because you’re an entitled, hypocritical Hot Girl who won’t shut the #### up already. No one wants to hear a Hot Girl talk, especially a Hot Girl who works so hard to present herself as a Hot Girl. If you’re hot and you’re a girl and you want to talk, you’d better have something interesting to say. Otherwise, shut up and get naked. That’s what Hot Girls are for.

Trouble is, you don’t have anything interesting to say. You only want to talk about yourself. About how unfair it is that you didn’t win the Ultimate Hot Girl Challenge, all because you courageously expressed a political opinion held by the majority of U.S. voters. About how the mean ol’ media* won’t let your pontificating go unchallenged when your own actions undermine the authenticity of your expressed values. About how you’re being “punished for exercising your right to free speech,” apparently because you expect the unique privilege of saying whatever dumbass things you want without suffering the indignity of being called a dumbass.

The fact that you have nothing interesting to say has little to do with your being a Hot Girl. True, as a Hot Girl, you have the deficit of being assumed to be stupid, yet it’s entirely possible to be physically beautiful but intelligent and respected (think Audrey Hepburn—and think about what set her apart from you). And it has little to do with your beliefs. Plenty of people who share your political and religious views are able to function normally in day-to-day life without throwing a hissy fit every time someone disagrees with them.

It has everything to do with your apparent obsession with controlling what people think of you, and your blindness to your own words and actions in creating their perceptions. You are young, beautiful, wealthy, and famous, and you really don’t understand why people can’t take you seriously as a martyr?

No, you don’t, so now you’ve rendered your extended tantrum in hardback form. And because the publishing industry is rotten with people who are even more self-serving and oportunistic than you, naturally you were able to find someone who was only too happy to profit from your obtuseness.

So, congrats on that. No, really: plaudits. You’ll be gettin’ paid, and it’s the American Way.

And although I do not object to your enriching yourself in this way (well, I do object for abstract reasons that I can’t blame you for), I do object to your conscripting Jesus into your one-beauty-queen crusade. So as long as you plan to show a watching world that Jesus died for our right to get boob jobs and say dumb shit without people being mean to us about it, people like me will be here to urge you to reconsider your…well, your everything.

I know, I know. I probably should remove the log from my eye before trying to get the speck out of yours. But I’m not perfect either.

* Also colloquially known as the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Wait—what was that about mockery being reserved for conservative women…?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I'm pretty drunk and I'm eating toast with honey.

I kind of gave up on it. I've got honey in my chest hair, on my hands, my keyboard. #### it.

Oh, and I'm nekkid. *3fg*

Monday, October 19, 2009

If there was someone I hated, truly hated and wanted them dead, I would kill them.

As long as it was a well thought out plan, the odds of me getting away with it are pretty decent. The only consequence is jail, nothing in the afterlife. So if I'm confident enough that I can get away with murder, I would do it. I wouldn't do it, if I knew that as soon as I died I was going to be judged for it.

There are more people that think this way, than you think.

Most murders aren't well thought out, and there are some murders that are unsolved. If I were to plan out a murder, making sure to leave no DNA, witnesses, evidence, it makes proving a murder very difficult. I'm not saying I would get away with it, but there is a good enough chance to risk it if you hate a person enough and won't be judged after death.

when i played in a band in college called Mr. Potato Head

we sometimes played Thursday nights at a club called Cat's Cradle as Mrs. Potato Head.

the lead singer looked great in chick clothes.

me, not so much. the shoes were unforgiving.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I really hate doing PAPs.

If you guys only knew what I had to sudject my eyes and nose to everyday. Times like these I don't get paid enough. Sometimes I need two nurses in the room to assist on holding things back so I can see. I really try to get the women to go to their OB/Gyn docs, but some insist on having me do it with their physicals.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Any beer that needs a lime to make it drinkable is pi$$ poor beer.

They should stick to what they do well. Burritos, landscaping, roof repair.

Worst opening line of a phone conversation of all time?

"So me and (ex boyfriend's name) had a really long talk last night, and we worked out a lot of our problems" This was followed by 15 minutes of "I'm sorrys" and "I know I kind of led you on, but I love (boyfriend) and I have to see where it ends up"

I should have yelled at her, cursed at her, told her off... but of course I have no guts, so I just took it. Guess that visit in a couple weeks isn't happening. Cool.

Looks like I'm back to being the guy that's good at talking to other guy's women. It was a fun couple days, while it lasted.

#### her, #### me, #### him. God I ####ing suck.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Although I am a flaming liberal, I am thinking of supporting content limits on the webs

As a father of four boys who all know how to use the internet, I am beginning to worry that they will eventually "stumble" onto unsuitable sites. As such, tonight when the lovely and talented Mrs. goes to her Book Club, I am going to take a couple hours out of my extremely tight schedule to systematically block every pron site I can find. I don't really have the time to spare, but I will do it for my kids.

HERE'S WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP: I am informed and believe that there may be some pron sites out there. Please let me know which ones I should block. Please help me help my kids (and solidify my nomination for Father of the Year). TIA

P.S. They will probably only stumble across sites that are FREE, void of pop-ups and viruses, and have quality material updated daily, so feel free to limit your suggestions based on these criteria. Please also double-check for spelling accuracy, as I'd really hate to block a broken link

Monday, September 14, 2009

When my wife worked on a different floor of the hospital,

she had to start catheters all the time. I once asked her how many penises she handled in an average week. She said maybe 7-10. So she totally knows what she's missing out on. And it kept me up the night after I asked that question.

I did something I'm not particularly proud of last night, but it sure felt good.

Loose puck in front of their goalie. I poke at it several times to try and score a goal. Whistle blows and I stop. Goalie felt I stopped too late and went after me with gloves and stick up at my face. I defended myself by pulling him down and with our gloves and helmets off I wailed on the goalie's face with my fist about a half dozen times.

In the whole scrum I don't remember much other than my hits but think there were quite a bit of the goalie's teammates coming to his failed rescue and as a result I got a 3" long x 1/2" wide Gorby-like bruise on my forehead. Never felt anyone hitting me nor exactly know how I got that bruise but it sure was fun.

The not-so-proud part was that the wife and kids were at the game and they were visibly shaken by the incident thinking I was at the bottom of the pile (I wasn't) and getting mauled. Plus, it didn't help when #14 (not the goalie) was tossed shortly after I left the ice and wanted to get to my locker room and kill me.

Kids are still talking about it this morning. I tried to tell them last night that what I did was a bad thing although I was defending myself but I think I need to do something else to get them over it. Maybe Sea World / Aquatica next Sunday since I'll be suspended that game.

6 punches, though. Felt good. Don't eff with me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I really hate rebates

They give me $5 rebate on a 5 gallon bucket of driveway sealer. Give me the money up front! I bought 6 buckets. All these Menards rebates are sent to Elk Mound, Wisconsin. What kind of Northwoods Elk hunting hillbillies live there?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Health care debate via Star Wars-themed haiku

Rebel costs explode
No Empire volume discounts
Rest in peace, Porkins

antilles quite pleased
yavin victory award
rogue squadron group plan

Cloud City Health plan:
Lobot death panel prescribes
carbonite freezing

The widow Greedo
fights for insurance payout
Han shot first, dammit

Waiting in line at Doctor
Any more Questions?

Empire Run Healthcare
How bad could they screw it up?
Third Death Star's a Charm

Memo to Jedis:
The Force can't waive a copay.
Stop being so cheap.

Peaceful Alderaan
Free health care for everyone

Owen & Beru
care not about health care plans
"death panels," indeed

Luke seemed to do fine
with single payer healthcare
sweet new robot hand

To hide dependents
from insurers, Sand People
travel single file

Monday, September 7, 2009

Life's too short to give sports that much weight

I was slightly miffed yesterday when the game started and it was apparent we weren't going to show up. But, it's a game and it's not worth making my mood bad. There are too many other important things... just decided that other things are too important to me right now, I'm getting married in 21 days and life is good. But if you want to take it that way and pile on, feel free.

I'm not lording over anyone. Sounds like you might be taking it a little too seriously. You do realize the whole idea of sports is entertainment, right? And my comment about getting married was more to point out that we all have important things going on. I mean seriously, I want them to do well, and I cheer for them and want success, but why let something ruin a great weekend or day for you. If you seriously get depressed about a college football game and let it ruin a nice long weekend for you, then in my opinion, unpopular as it might be, your taking a GAME TOO SERIOUSLY. You can disagree, you can b###h and moan at me all you want, but that's how I feel, and people on this board give opinions and feelings every day all day.

I totally lose perspective at times. I just tend to react pretty strongly when people get SO upset about sports. Not the venue to process through that, I agree, but that's my reaction.

*rides into sunset on high horse*

Monday, August 31, 2009

Case of beer, maybe.

Bunch of shots. 8 ball of blow. 3.5 pounds of pulled pork. 6 ears of corn, 6 racks of baby back ribs, 2 racks of St. Louis style ribs, 2 platters of fries, 4 bags of donuts. Probably a 1/4 oz. of weed. 27 jr bacon cheeseburgers. Some speeders. Bunch of whippets. 50 wings in 45 minutes. This was around 5 p.m. 'til about 1 a.m. Then I took some ecstasy and drank some shots of Hot Damn. I don't know what all else I did. There are parts that are fuzzy. I was told I had sex. True story.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I had three big beers

The owner of a small paint shop had his dad pass away yesterday. The lady who runs a local liquor store told me her daughter has been diagnosed with terminal lung disease. Ted Kennedy died. I didn't like the man, but I don't wish death on people. I stopped by the liquor store on the way home with Mrs. The owner said her daughter had some long name lung disease. She used to pull a bottle from underneath the counter and pour me a shot. We have worked out of this paint shop for many years. I just called the kid and told him I was sorry to hear about his dad. As far as Ted Kennedy, I just don't hold a grudge.

We'll just chalk it up to cultural differences

and the fact that, culturally, you suck. I don't take message boards, this one in particular, the least bit seriously. That said, I've wished you were in b###hslappin' distance on more than one occasion.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

When I was little, I used to like to walk through/into clothes racks at the store.

Sometimes I'd hide, sometimes I'd just run around. One time, I accidentally knocked over a huge rack of jeans. That was the end of my clothes-rack spelunking. Once caused my hysteria-prone mother a near breakdown by hiding particularly well. Reason #57 why I won't have kids - payback is a b###h.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It occurs to me I've only been in love twice in the last 10 years

I'm 31 and have been unmarried that whole time. I guess it's at the same time great and not so great that it occurs so infrequently. Aw hell, now I'm going to have to watch The Notebook tonight.

Monday, August 10, 2009

You are one goddam dumbass MFer.

Do you realize that? You have to be one of the dumbest people I have ever come across in my near 34 years. Sorry for the vitriol, but if you weren't such an @sshole I wouldn't use it. Dumb is probably the wrong word. Ignorant. You are one ignorant ass MFer.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Dear Fat Lady in front of me at the soda/pop/coke fountain,

Do you really need to hold up multiple people to wait for those 3 bubbles at the top of your Coke to dissipate before topping it off? Do you really need to do this 5 times? Does it matter that you already have 32.9 ounces crammed into your 32 ounce cup? Does it matter that your cup ended up so full that you had to delay people further by sipping some before leaving the fountain to avoid spilling? Does it concern you that your fat, clumsy ass proceeded to spill some on the floor anyway? Does it matter your cube is no more than 40 ft from this fountain and that if you do happen to run out it would take you less than 2 minutes to get a refill (assuming there is not another fat b###h like you already at the fountain upon your return)? Does it matter that you could actually use that 80 ft of exercise? Does it matter that the Coke is free?

But I tell you what, I'll forgive all of this if you simply switch your fat ass to diet pop on future visits.



Whose blog is TINA?

I've never heard of it until about 15 minutes ago, when I googled it and found out I was the subject of the latest post.

I realize I have had some problem, and putting them on a message board asking for advice, is asking to get my ass lectured. That's fine. The reason I put my problems out there, is because I don't know any of you and you don't know any of me, so this is a place for unbiased advice. I didn't care if the advice was that I'm a moron, and a screw up, at least it was said to me, for my own good, in the forum that I presented it.

But I don't read this blog, Like I said, I had never heard of it until about 15 minutes ago. I'm never mentioned by name, but it's obvious the post was about me. I don't know whose blog this is, but if you would take that post down, I'd appreciate it. Because no one here knows the whole story, the extent of what has happened to me, and writing about it in a blog without knowing those things is unfair.

I'll say it again, I have no idea who I'm calling out right now, so sorry if I come across as an asshole, but I present my problems to this board because I need advice, and using my issues as a soapbox on your blog is unfair.

EDIT: I won't change anything from the original post, but I didn't get the purpose of this blog or whatever the hell it is when I wrote this. Still doesn't sit well, but that's fine disregard this and I'll get over it, I'm a big boy.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What you need more so than a lawyer is a swift kick in the ass.....

or ten. Get your sh*t together, stop f-ing around with your life. Are you already forgetting your first wake up call? You already got kicked out one school, if you continue down this path it will happen again at parkland. If that happens what are you going to do? No employer outside of manual labor or fast food is going to hire you.

If you get your act together now, get good grades at parkland, get into UofI or some other solid school then four years from now some employer is going to look at your transcripts and realize you overcame a few back decisions and overlook them. You make a pattern of bad decisions and you'll never stand a chance at getting hired.

Listen kid, I'm not trying to be a prick here, but I see you making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. My first 2 semesters at UofI I just skated by and partied so much my third semester that I had to withdraw from all of my classes. Luckily I never had to leave the Uni, but it took me the next 5 semesters to pull my gpa out of the gutter just to get to a 3.2. Because of that I missed out on some great jobs that I really wanted and made me settle for sub par jobs. It took going to grad school and getting straight A's to get the type of job I wanted at a competitive place to work.

It may seem to you now that you'll have plenty of time now to buckle down and turn your life around, but trust me, the decisions you are making now are going to take a lot longer to overcome than you may think. Sit down TODAY, and think about what you really want to do in the future and make the changes necessary to get there. Otherwise you are going to let your bad decisions dictate your future.

there is way way way too much flavored vodka sitting in my apt right now

and way way way too much alcohol that needs be consumed over the next 3 weeks...

2 fifths of tequila
1 fifth of whiskey
1 fifth of vodka
1 fifth of schnapps
1 case of bud light

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I woke up in a kitchen.

That's right. A kitchen. Not mine. Needless to say, I'm home, and going back to sleep.

Friday, July 10, 2009

ZOMG, I just remembered: two years ago tonight was the last time I got boned.

My life blows

Drinking bc some guy you love plies you and then he leaves w/o even smooching you

Also = sucky

WTF kind of loser walks out on me when I'm all naked and such? Idiot.

You heard me. He took my clothes off and left.

We do this.

I'm kinda drunk and shouldn't be saying this shit.

But he's the one who got me drunk, so I kinda don't care.

I know. I look pretty good naked. At least for my genre. I'm guessing most broads my age don't look that good naked anymore. I, on the other hand, still got it.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

anyone goin to the coo brew game on fri?

heading up with the wife and some folks
fil has never been to wrigley
this should lock me in as the greatest dude to ever slide his schlong spine deep in his first born

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

#### I'm hungover...

called a suburban cab after dinner last night at about midnight.

5-15 minutes they said. All the other dudes had gone to the Pink Monkey.

After a half hour I said screw it and took a cab to Sax Hotel (used to be House of Blues Hotel). On the way I said "Hey, do you know the way to the Pink Monkey?" He didn't... just as well... on to the hotel.

In bed at about 1. Suburban cab driver called at 1:15. Didn't answer.

It wouldn't have been so bad wearing the same clothes today if I hadn't dropped a piece of sushi down the front of my shirt.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Saturday, June 6, 2009

so who has done their sister-in-law?

ok I did do my sister-in-law (my wife's sister)

Probably 25 years ago. she was coming out of a divorce and spent Christmas with us.

My wife suggested that she had a need and she (the s-i-l) agreed.

Isn't life interesting

Monday, June 1, 2009

My niece just called

Her dipsh*t husband has a girlfriend and kicked her out of the house. She has a small child. My sis in law is setting her up an apartment in a subsidized place she is manager of. Her dad promised her the money of 100 dollars for the deposit. We have had bad experiences with her.

He is in jail. That or out on bail. Whiskey drinker. I hope she gets her own place.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I've never understood this whole thing where chicks apparently don't blow dudes after they get hitched.

I'm in no position to understand it, I guess, because I waited til I was married, so it's not like there's a way of comparing sex before and after marriage for me. But still, WTF?

Meh, I've had to beg for c*** all my adult life, doubt it will stop any time soon

Also, chicks who don't enjoy cock in their mouth need to get a clue.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Yikes. Could be a hard job to work this summer.

Apparently the pool at our gym is the unofficial hangout place for the Southeastern Michigan Jailbat Association. Eeeek. It's been open a week and already I feel guilty.

Yesterday the Mrs. asked our 5 year old to write a note in the get-well card to my Grandmother

(who is recovering in the hospital). This is what she wrote:

"Grandma GG, I am so so so so sorry that you are almost gonna die."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Disturbing family secret I learned this weekend

After my maternal grandma died (before I was born) grandpa eventually remarried. I always wondered why they had the wedding in Tennessee. Turns out it was because he was MARRYING HIS FIRST COUSIN. WTF GRANDPA?

So, trading sexual favors for auto repair

What am I gonna have to do for a $1K repair?

I'm definitely out of practice. Shudder to think how sensitive my gag reflex is.

I hope that taking it up the pooper could be something very special between me and the love of my life, but I can't afford a car payment. It's no offense to any qualified auto mechanic who probably doesn't happen to also be the love of my life.

Eh, as I recall, I'm pretty kinky, so I'll be all right

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I've always wondered

How much child porn is going to get you busted. For example let' say a guy looks at porn for 2-3 hours a day..legitimate porn, nothing illegal. And let's say he does this for 2-3 years straight. That is alot of porn on your system. Let's say during a clicking frenzy a pop-up happens (which for those of you that look up porn knows it's going to happen alot) and its of the kid variety. You immediately click it off and continue with your business. Is this going to get you busted?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

so a friend of a friend's brother is in commercial real estate in CA

and he's been working on an investor for several months to see a large parcel of land that is best viewed by air.

so he charters a small prop plane. on board: two pilots, two real estate guys and the investor. as they are boarding, the guy feels the shot over the bow. but he can't turn back. figures he can back-burner it and unload when they get back. after all, it's a short flight.

as soon as the wheels leave the ground, this guy knows it's over. and it's a bumpy, noisy flight. feels the runaway train coming down the tracks. and at 2000 feet, he opens the bomb bay doors and craps himself.

shock and awe. keep in mind, this ain't Air Force One. it's a teensy plane ( with apparently no toilet. nor Folger's can ). the smell is mind-bending. horrific. nausau is now the big b###h on the plane. extraordinary times = extraordinary measures, so the guy takes off his pants, balls them up and they try to throw it out the window. but it blows back in and all over the place.

the smell, the commotion and the added turbulence has everyone sick. the pilot throws up, the investor throws up and so does everyone else. and they have to emergency land the thing.

instead of the guy landing a $10 million deal, he has to pay $10 K to get the plane professionally cleaned.

Dating Dilemma

I had all but given up on dating as of a few months ago, but recently decided to toss my name back in the hat recently.

I met a girl on Match about three weeks ago, who lives in Northwest Indiana (bout a 35 minute drive from where I'm currently residing). We spoke on the phone a few times and really hit it off. She's only 21 but it became fairly obvious pretty early on that's she was quite "sexually experimental" and a bit on the wild side, but I had no idea of what I was going to find out after a few dates.

The first date we just went out for coffee, where I found out that she's bisexual (LAM?) and also going through the proceedings of a divorce (Anti-LAM). Usually news like this would immediately end my pursuit of said girl, but I carried on, because I quite enjoy her company.

So on our next date, she dropped some additional information on her life. Apparently, her job at a daycare center isn't her only source of income. She has worked for the past six months doing a few amateur-ish porn shoots and a video involving her and another girl. I tried my best to make it seem like I wasn't shocked by this revelation so she continued on...she has been recently contacted by the boss of the guy she's shooting with who wants her to do a video with two guys (big black men down low) and our willing to pay her something like $7,500 for the scene. She hasn't yet decided if she's going to go for it, and asked my opinion...

Now...if you saw this girl, you would NEVER ever think she would be into this. She supposedly attends church every sunday with her Mother, who has no idea shes into anything like this.

My question I continue seeing this girl just for the adventure of it, or do I cut ties and move on?

Also, if she's already told me this much, how much worse is it going to get?

Friday, May 1, 2009

I just hate pompus jack asses that own over rated rip off restaurants

In February (and I wasn't paying thank god) I went with 3 other people to Nobu at the Shore Club on South Beach.

We had to sit *ON* the dance floor, so we couldn't even talk to each other without shouting.

The bill before tip was something like $1,200.

We made the cab go through a burger king drive through on the way back to our hotel just a couple hours later.

I have no use for places like that. I could give a flying #### what my foor looks like. I'm here to eat.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Have you ever saved anyone's life?

Pushed a guy out of the way of a moving car and then proceeded to get hit by said car.

I did the Heimlich maneuver on my mother-in-law....on Mother's Day, no less.

I pulled up to a stoplight and a drunk was passed out with his car rolling towards the intersection
I hopped out and put the car in park and woke him up, then drove his car over to the side of the road and told him to call someone.

I refrained from a killing an old cubicle mate who ate too loud.

I pulled a garage open to someone who trying to kill themselves through carbon monoxide.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm FB friends with a girl I used to hook up with in the summer of '91.

She posted pics of a daughter who I think turns 18 this summer. Wait. W.T.F? Also, she's married to one of my oldest and best friends.
*lets sleeping dog lie*

Friday, April 24, 2009

other facts that may or may not be known

once locked myself in a locker thanks to you cant do that on television...blamed a bully out of embarassment...still feel bad about it
i have been arrested 4 times
i went through a stripper phase in dating
i posed nude for money in college
i have experience with trained falcons
i bought condoms to a family reunion and used them
i have been hit by a car in garcias parking lot
i tore my acl/mcl/miniscus in a drunke trampoline accident and still partied till dawn on easter sunday
i once ate 4 monster burgers in one evening and spilled my extra large beverage in the hardees lobby 5 times...each time asking for a free refill...then work up on the toilet with explosive bowels
i shaved my basektball number in my head in 8th grade
i have totalled 4 cars
i almost died twice in mexico...once with "jay-z" in a pot deal gone bad and then losing 30 lbs in 3 days due to some unknown stomach issue...i dropped into random non english speaking clinics to shots of demerol to keep my party goin

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I collect, assmemble and/or paint 25mm plastic and metal figures

from a number of genres (military, science fiction, fantasy). Many are used in tabletop wargames.

Here's one I painted probably 10 years ago.

Here's a more recent one.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Funny thing my firstborn does lately:

Any time she gets naked, she feels compelled to turn her back and point her butt to me and say "LOOK AT MY BUTT!"

Friday, April 17, 2009

the worst is the kid that won't stop yelling

but is old enough to be told to STFU and understand what it means. that gets you dirty looks from me.

i get the message across to let the parents know that i was pissed off

i shouldn't have to be disturbed by your f*cking kid. having a kid doesn't give you the right to bother people and no i don't have to deal with it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

billinguality is pretty overrated, IMO

no offense, but very few higher earning jobs require one to speak Spanish.

human services jobs are worthwhile and rewarding, but I'd want better for my kids.

let's attribute it to cultural differences. For Russians, earning ability is much more important factor in viewing one's career as "successful" than intangible factors like job satisfaction and helping others.

Just found myself.

I'm in the upper right quadrant, wearing what is likely a Bears sweatshirt, judging by the color. Roughly second row from the top, seven from the right.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

So my MIL is a former LMT

Wife wanted her to give me a massage so she could learn a couple techniques.

Needless to say I was a little resistant to the idea of my MIL giving me a massage. But after a couple of days I relented.

It was...different. I had a hard time relaxing at first, but I eventually did.

But then the wife started trying the stuff her mom was showing her while her mom was working on a different part of me. So I was getting a massage from my wife and her mother at the same time.

I really don't know how to describe that other than conflicting. Or something.

Never mind.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Very few guys care about the last 10% between a ''rockin bod'' and the level of perfection of Adriana Lima

I've dated a couple of girls who had essentially that body type. Believe me, I didn't care a bit that they didn't have quite the muscle tone that she does.

I went to a strip club about a month ago

(and as much as I like boobs et al, I really don't like strip clubs and find them tremendously awkward, but my friend insisted we go). After being there for about 10 minutes, Steve Mongo McMichael walks in and sits down at the table next to us. We talked for a second and all the girls crowded around him as he is a regular (Blackjack's in Elgin). He then says to us, "wanna see how an 85 Bear gets down?", and then walked up to the stage and made it rain with a handfull of singles. It was entertaining.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

killed two mice last night

i got the call today. "come home. there are two dead mice in the traps you set." said a nervous mrs.
"i'm stuck up north for a few hours, waiting for the geniuses to fix my computer. i'll be home after dinner."
" can't you come earlier? i've got stuff to put in the pantry and i don't want to open the door."
"they're dead, y'know. completely kaput."
silence. so i get home and undo the traps, dropping the little critters in a WalMart bag, trucking out to garage. " hey, mice do a sort of reverse meconium. both of them had a little crap pellet sidled up next to their carcasses. and one had this *really surprised* look across his chops."
i had grabbed one by the tail and dangled it before my eyes.
"THAT'S GROSS.!" so i took an ammonia wipe and cleaned the crime scenes, dried it off and re-set the traps.
this was, in fact, the perfect set-up. tomorrow, after another kill, i will find a rubber mouse, stick it in a trap, and do the switcheroo at the appropriate time, lowering it into my mouth.
i can't ####ing wait.

Monday, March 23, 2009

life is sacrifice.

and if you still live like you're 20 years old but you are 34 and married, something is very wrong.

at some point you have to grow up and put away those childish things.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Typical woman. Nothing is as bad as post-partum, tho.

If you don't do what she asks, she cries.
If you do what she asks, she cries.
If you anticipate a need of hers and meet it without her even asking, she cries.

I'm not knockin you chicks, btw, I have no doubt that what you are experiencing there is very real. Man is that roller coaster tough to deal with, especially after 9 months when if we just do what you ask, it pretty much assauges most of your angst, if not all the discomfort.

Friday, March 13, 2009

So last Friday some dude I passed on the sidewalk randomly stopped me

and asked if I wanted to have coffee or lunch sometime. Yeah, yeah, I'm just *that* compelling.
But no, seriously, people do this?! Dudes, have you ever done this to a broad? Chicks, has a dude ever done this to you, and how did you respond?
I had a friendly conversation with this dude but said there was no way I was giving a stranger my contact information.

True story...

So, I get a call from my brother yesterday afternoon saying that the police had come round. About an hour before that, when he'd been working on his motorbike down the side of the house, three kids had been cussing at him ("fcuk you, you fcuking gaylord", etc) and threw sticks at him. He finally got ssiped off and tried to call the teachers over, but they pointedly looked at him and ignored him. Then a suit, who we later find out is the headteacher comes over and says that the kids are 'hyped up' after the killings in Germany, and that they think he is 'looking' at them in the playground, and that they think his tools are cameras. Quote. She refuses to listen to my brother, and even has the cheek to say that maybe he "shouldn't be outside" (in our own garden!!1!) when the kids are outside, so he gives up and goes on with his work. 30 minutes later, the police rock up and say that they have been called by the school, so they have to come. My brother explains that he's working in his back garden, and all he wanted was for these little shyts to quit with the abuse. The policeman says that he can see it's a misunderstanding, but that mybe my brother should "go inside and have a cup of tea when the kids are in the playground", before taking his name and my mother's name (she was at work, but it's her house). By this time, my mother's had the story relayed and is SOOO angry. I mean, livid, and she calls the school, wanting to speak to the head. She leaves a message with the secretary, saying it's about an incident that has just happened, and the secretary says, "oh, you mean the man who was looking at the children in the playground?" To which she grits her teeth, explains who she is and says she wants the head to call her back like yesterday. 5 hours later, no call, so after she gets home my mother stomps round to the school with my brother, to which she's met by the head (a complete jobsworth) who, basically, says that my brother should not be in the garden where the kins can see him (excuse me?? plus, the wall is only shoulder height on our side) and that "of course!" the teachers in the playground ignored him... they didn't want to put themselves "at risk", and that she felt herself "very brave" for going over to talk to him. With about 7 feet between them, a wall and a fence, she was super brave. Long story short, she was "perfectly justified" in calling the police, and that it was not the kids' fault - they were 'scared' (one of the three perpetrators lives 3 doors away, knows exactly who my brother is - everyone knows who lives at that house - and who I know for a fact keyed my car. A little bstrd, basically). To put the icing on the cake, she said she had to 'call an assembly' to 'calm the kids down' and, on the way home, my mother and brother were stopped by a little girl who lives nearby (from another school) who said, "ooh, did you hear about the man who was watching children in teh playground? The police came and everything". Now, not only does the school have these rumours going round, but all the parents will hear about it, too. Instead of disciplining the kids, they have been allowed to get away with hurling abuse and large sticks. HRH could have been hit, dammit. On top, we are made to look like criminals. Human Rights laws say that a person "has the right to enjoy their property and their possessions". This is already being breached, because we're being told that we can't go in our back garden during the day, in case the kids see us. I am so angry it's unreal, and would love for someone to tell me what my next step could/should be.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

teenage boys are far more ready for sex than teenage girls.

it's a fact. boys don't get as emotionally attached and unlike girls don't use sex as a means to get attention from men.

A 30 year old guy having sex with a 14 year old girl is rape
a 30 year old woman having sex with a 14 year old boy is a public service.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

One thing I've noticed

from about birth to 3 months, white babies are a lot cuter than Indian babies
from about 3 months to 24 months, Indian babies are much cuter than white babies
after about 24 months, the features start filling in and it doesn't really matter

Black babies are cuter than both.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I hope you like my picture.

It is 2 sharks and a rainbow. The one shark is wearing fancy pants and a hat for your birthday. And a belt. I love you.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I have absolutely no idea where my looks fall on the typical 1-10 scale.

Maybe no idea is going too far. I know I'm not ass ugly and I know I'm not incredibly good looking. I think I'm somewhere in the 4-8 range. Maybe about a 6? I really have no clue. Watch, I'm probably like a 2.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

You're like arguing with an autistic person.

Autistic people are incapable of comprehending intent or emotion in a comment or statement, which is exactly what you are like.

Monday, January 12, 2009

This prolly isn't an avenue that you, of all people, should pursue.

But given the fact that she's a damn good-lookin' atty that's been married to me for 7 years now (and with me for 10), I'd say I must be doing something right.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

when i was 4 i was prentending to be starsky and went to jump on a

garbage dumpster to avoid an imaginary car that was trying to run me down. in my mind i was going to pull myself above the car as it struck, drop on the hood, roll to the driver's window and punch the thug out. instead the dumpster fell on me. i was rushed to emergency surgery in my uncle's coupe d'ville. i apologized to him for messing up his car. and to my mom for making her cry and to my brother for getting him in trouble ("why didn't you look after your brother?"). then i wouldn't let them take off my shorts because there were women there and they'd see my vienna sausage. then they gassed me and i was in the hospital for 10 days.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

so i'm lying in bed reading stories to my 6 yo last night

and she says " dad, are you here this week?"

"yes, honey, i'm teaching that class at the high school this week, remember?'

"at the high school? which class?'


then she slowly just starts to giggle a little bit, a little more and finishes with a bit of an eye roll.

"help me out, what's up?"

"daaaaad, GIRLS teach music, not BOYS." still giggling a bit.

i took a minute to explain the differences ( of course, GIRLS teach music -- but i'm teaching music HISTORY. much more manly.)

then i slammed the little b###h's head up against her head board and put a choke hold on her until she passed out.