Tuesday, July 29, 2008

almost got in a road rage fight...

will post details later.

effing punk ass mommas boy. you're not from NY, so take that hat off. you're from freaking mahomet.

the car you're driving has a "my daughter is an honor rol student" on it. maybe thats your moms bmw.

give me a reason you wanna be

So I am taking my afternoon deuce,

and am all out of sorts anyway (I am in a different one of our offices and thus removed from my home-field rettihs), when a guy makes himself at home in the stall right next to me (my issues with this lack of spacing shall be left for another day). Now, I am have a particularly fiber-rich day, and am feeling much lighter by the time this guy sits down. As I hear him choosing his stall, I give a courtesy flush--more for a warning than a courtesy. He doesn't hear it (and I now hope it is because he's deaf, for reasons that will soon become apparent).

So again, this guy settles into the stall next to me an unapologetically begins to thrash his toilet. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am both impressed by him and scared for him, simultaneously. After he gets done carpetbombing the bowl for the second time, I decide that he is not going to do that next to me without a fight. So I settle in for a retaliatory strike.

I get the proper colon angle, I let the pressure build, I feel an overwhelming bubble form, and then I momentarily rejoice in a feeling of pride that comes with knowing that I am gonna blow the door off the stall and get even with this guy.

So there I am, locked and loaded, waiting for my moment and the thunderous boom that will follow, and then . . . I let out the highest-pitched, squeel of a fart I have ever heard. It lasted for about 4-6 seconds followed by an internal deflation that I can only imagine was the rest of my bubble deciding it did not want to be part of this sissy show and ran to my small intestine to wait for a more manly display.

Needless to say, I wiped while wallowing in my shame and dissappointment--followed shortly thereafter by a quick handwash--before exiting the scene of the crime as quickly and descretely as possible. I do not deserve my testicles.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I had a cat that did this. Easy solution:

- purchase a burlap sack

- place said cat in burlap sack

- throw burlap sack in large body of water

The only good cat is a dead cat.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Also, to summarize this, since I'm going to bed, here's a story

from my childhood you guys would definitely not approve of, in light of the information in this thread.

When I was 5 years old, I was playing on the playground one time, and a larger, older boy started picking on me, verbally and physically. I started crying. His mom, in an act of fantastic parenting, was smirking and not doing anything.

My dad, who's a lifelong pacifist and a very calm person decided to not resolve this issue as an adult. Instead, he got into the other kid's face and said, "if you don't stop picking on my son right now, I'll rip your head off and put it back on backwards, and you'll be that way for the rest of your life".

Needless to say the kid stopped.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

there's no excuse for anyone graduating from UIUC these days and not starting at 50k at least.

you gotta be some sorta loser to not be pulling at least 50k with your first job these days.

i will clarify that i don't recognize any degrees from LAS and ACES as actual valid college degrees, so that excludes you guys from the group, unless these degrees are used to go directly to a med or law school type thing.

god dont even get me started on teachers. if you pursue a teaching career, youve given up on life

Monday, July 14, 2008

I nearly quit my job this morning.

...then I remembered I couldn't afford it.

Teaching something I don't know for 5 days to three Indians who don't know my language is gonna be a fuckin' blast.

Dots. None of them were signedup for the course. They just showed up.


I stood in my bosses office for ten minutes realizing that my only two options were teach this class (which I am not qualified to be teaching) or quit.

I know what I wanted to do.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I just met Tony Dungy

He is signing his new children's book here in Tampa. He saw my Illini shirt and asked if I'm from there and I said 'yes'. I lied to Tony Dungy!!!! Anyways, I also said that I'm a Bears fan and that if we had to lose to anyone, I'd prefer his Colts. No lie there. Nice guy. Soft spoken / demeanor. This is my greatest brush with fame, ever

Thursday, July 10, 2008

July 10, 2007

Happy Chastiversary to me!!!!!

What, it's possible I'll do it again someday.

So, I had a "peeping tom" last night.

At about 11, me and Dude are sitting in my room, I'm copyediting and he's reading, when we hear this loud *THUD* outside my window/corner of the house. My first thought was that my roommate drove into the side of the house or something and his was that someone was trying to break into my garage.

So he runs outside with a hammer (since I didn't have a bat!) and sees a wayward cinder block leaning up against the house below one of my bedroom windows. He yells at me to get my phone ready to call the cops. He grabs a flashlight from his car and flashes it down that side of the house and has he does that someone (or something at this point) hits the neighbor's fence and supposedly hops over and runs off.

I grab the phone and try the non-emergency number a couple of times (I didn't think too much of it yet at this point) and my sister says screw this and dials 911. They send two cops out right away as we're looking over the side of the house. We also find what looks like a pry mark on one of my windows and another large rock below one of my other windows. So now we're thinking attempted burglary. The cops take some pics and look around. Female cop leaves.

Male cop then comes in and questions us and gets our contact info. He says they obviously don't have any suspects right now, but they'll let us know if they find anything and they'll patrol our block all night.

Cop walks out the door and BAM! Dude is standing by the side of the house with his pants undone. Another cop arrests him and hauls him off. First cop comes back in and tells us what's going on and says he's going to come back and try to lift some prints from my windows. Turns out the arrest this guy regularly on peeping tom charges, but this time they're going to get him hopefully for burglary and put him away for a while.

I didn't sleep most of the night.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I lived in Boulder the summer of 1997,

about 6 months after the murder. We lived about 3 blocks from the Ramsay house. After a long night of drinking, my friend and I decided to go over to the Ramsay house at about 5:30 am and take a entire roll of pictures of us doing random things in front of the Ramsay house. So I've got an entire roll of film of us mowing their lawn, watering their flowers, folding laundry, talking on the phone, shaving, etc.,

ive peed on three girls

while passed out

first one was a surprise.....woke up in a dorm room my freshman year CONVINCED that someone poured a beer on us while we were sleeping

when i realized i was only wet on the crotcheral region....and her ass was soaked i put 2 and 2 together

i just said NO WAY then ran out of the room

i gave her laundry money later on in the day

the other 2 stories are a lot more douchy

3rd time the girls father came by to pick her up to take her home

we overslept by a solid 2 hours

i had to hop out of the window

as i was hopping out she yells out OH MY GOD YOU PEED THE BED

i looked back and said....or you did!!! no time for this your dad is here!!!


then vamped

ive never had a "walk of shame" cause well im a guy.....but waling accross campus on the weekend in broad daylight with a perfect circle of wetness isnt cool

Cute girl I had met

up with a couple of times with groups of friends and I decided to go out and have some drinks ourselves. Things are going really well and we end up going back to her place. We are on her couch and watching a movie and stuff and we continue drinking. Her rommate comes home, interrupts us for a few minutes, and we basically just pass out. I was laying on the floor on a pillow and she on the couch. About an hour or two I'm awakened by rustling only to look up and see the girl pulling her pants down and peeing on her own couch. I went to her roommates bedroom door, knocked on it, told her that they had a cleanup ahead of them, and left.