Sunday, April 30, 2006

my facore part of the nighy1

as we left teh highdve. my buddy and i and two chicks flashed a few friends eating at jupiters. needless to say, i didn't lok for the areacings of the people inside...i looked at teh sbob of the girls falshing

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Words can not express my hatred towards the Cubs

May Glendon Rusch blow out his arm. Same goes for Will Ohman.

For having such a supposedly great bullpen, for Will Ohman to be in the majors is all the proof that I need that this BP sucks.

And once again, the great Dale Davis has the Cubs number.

Nice job of hitting into 23 double plays today.

And yet, 7th inning, and there are still 25,000 people sitting there, in the rain, watching this game.

Cub fans that pay to go to Wrigley are truly pathetic.

Have not paid for a ticket at Wrigley since 2000. Don't plan on breaking that streak any time soon.

Well, it was totally a non-date (LONG UPDATE)

The night started out slightly different than initially planned. Everyone was SUPPOSED to come to my house, so I diligently cleaned and sprayed Frebreeze allergen reducer all around (my date is somewhat allergic to my cats), made it look halfway decent, and my friend calls. Her date is running late (he's a fireman in addition to a farmer and he had a call but he was on his way), so could we maybe go to her place once my 'date' got to my place. So, okay, that's fine. Then we were all going to carpool together but lucky my friend's date wanted alone time with my friend so he opted that we take 2 cars. So while this looks up for me since I'm having alone time with my 'date' I don't really know how well it goes. We do talk, it's not silence or anything.

Then we get to the play RIGHT before it starts. So the play is pretty good. Amusing. It was Shakespeare's Love's Labor's Lost but set in the 60s with 60s song numbers scattered throughout (but dialogue was the same). No touching of hands or anything. I was definitely kinda turned towards him (legs crossed) and we seemed to laugh at the same VERY DIRTY innuendo, while our counterparts either didn't get it or didn't find it amusing (i'm guessing neither got them). At intermission we didn't really talk much. My friend and her date were chatting away and my date was on the other side of the room and once i worked my way there, he started going to the other side (unsure if that was intentional, but I was thinking 'fine i might as well been the 3rd wheel' and i went into this lil art gallery room alone. But it seemed like my 'date' then followed me in there. He then ran into someone we know from church (an adult so now it will surely get back to his mother that we were together), so I came over and talked to both of them then we went back to our seat.

After the show again the two lovebirds were talking and my 'date' and i were behind them so I say 'now what?' to him, and so he repeats it louder so those in front hear us. And they stop, and my date says he hasn't eaten since lunch and he's hungry. It's nearly 11, so I say we need a 24 hr place. And not wanting to go to Steak and Shake again (we seem to always end up there). I say I feel like breakfast. My 'date' agrees that breakfast is good and should we go to Denny's or IHOP. My friend's date decides on IHOP.

So we spend nearly 2 hrs at IHOP talking about various things, like the play, and cartoons. My date tries a spoonful of all the syrups. I even joked with him a bit and things were going well and seeming sort of datish, but then when the lady came to ask if it would be on two checks, he put up four fingers. :P However, then my friend's date proceeded to pay for her, while my 'date' didn't even offer (of course since it was his idea for 4). Also he never offered to pay for his play ticket. Not that I was going to let him, but I had the perfect line set up if he tried. I was going to say 'well you owe me one' if he tried. But neither did my friend or her date offer to pay for THIER tickets, so I just took out 3 people to a play. I will see them all again tomorrow, but I don't know if I should even ask. Everyone enjoyed the play, but it was my initial idea to go. Dunno. I was under the impression my friend's date was paying for her and my friend.

On the way home he called his friend who apparently needed the van he was using to drive to st. louis tomorrow. He told his friend he had to 'drop his friend liz off then he'd be there in 10-15 minutes' So much for my 'do you want to come in' line (granted it was 1am). But that led us to talking about proms (because the friend needed the van for a formal in st. louis). When we got to my house, I thanked him for coming and he said he had a fun time and I said i did too. He then asked if I would be at the conference tomorrow and I said I'd be there late (i have my state school counseling exam tomorrow). He said he'd see me then and I said okay see u then. I got out, he did wait to leave until I got in the house, so that was nice I guess.

Anyway, all in all not very date-like in my opinion. :P

Bah humbug.

Friday, April 28, 2006

I couldn't remember if I told that story or not

50-freakin-dollars for a freakin bra????

I'm actually wearing it right now. Meh. It's nice and I like it but it's not $50 nice and I don't $50 like it. I need to get to Kohl's now that I know what size I should be wearing. That was the only reason I went into VS - sizing. The chicks there were nice enough (although VERY sales-pushy) so I felt obligated to buy one bra from them. But that's it. I have no interest in their credit card or the $1000 I can save over the next year (yeah, if I SPEND $1000 on underwear).

Overall, my VS review: too expensive-y for freakin underwear

best birthday present yet:




maybe i can get him working on the spiders in the house?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

Saved By the Bell. On. Now.

So I got flipped off by an old lady today at Meijer

I was waiting to pull into a parking spot, had my turning signal on and everything. She pulls up just as I'm pulling in and gets pissed that I took the space. She shot me the bird. I laughed and she got even madder and started yelling at me. Lot's of feisty old women these days.

I hate to say it but Kellie needs to go.

That was awful.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Dear sick germs......

please go away never to return again. In return, I will stop using special cleaners which only taunt you instead of kill you.

You have made the last 4 days more miserable for me than I can fully express in words. You have rendered food tasteless and painfull among other terrifying symptoms. I hate you.

Yours truly

So I just made a bet with a co-worker

Both of us agreed to wear the same clothes/outfit all week.Exceptions: all undergarments may be changed. Shoes may also be changed (as I have sandals on today, and it's not going to be quite as nice tomorrow).This should be interesting

admission

sometimes i have extreme hatred for bicyclers in the city.

many slow down traffic, most don't bother with traffic lights/signs, etc....there should be some sort of minimum proficiency test for anyone who wants to commute via bicycle in the city. drivers have to be certified, why not bikers?

eventually i get over it....but, man, sometimes i want the bus driver to clip one. just a nudge to let 'em know who's boss.

and, if you're on a f'ing moped, and you cut in front of a bunch of cars while traffic is stopped at a light, that should be grounds for a free vigilante beating.

that is all.

Admission

When I was a kid, I took the Adam West Batman show 100% seriously.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Guess what time it is...

Narnia time biatches!!!

Thank you NetFlix.

I hope this helps

I got a call late one night from an officer that my son backed my car into a lake while he was making out with his girlfriend. Mrs ran thru 2 of my garage doors. My teenage son wrecked my Suburban totally. It did save his life, though with a one piece frame. My daughter wrecked my family Ford her 3rd yr of high school. They are all older. I hope this post helps.

Friday, April 21, 2006

*now making*

sugar water for my hummingbird feeder!

Pop Tarts

WHY in the world would they package two pop tarts in one foil wrap, when the serving size is only ONE pop tart?

It's been almost 24 hours since the Tubgirl pic....

And I'm still not right.

No fooling around, I lost a couple hours of sleep last night because of it. I simply couldn't get the picture out of my head.

That deplorable vision, when combined with a bad case of gas thanks to some Italian sausage, was indescribably nauseating.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Nurses

where do you hang out? Seriously, I see you at lunch in a pack of color clad cuteness, or running from here to there. Yet never in a approachable place. You MUST unwind somehow. There can't be THAT many single docs to catch for a little stirrup sexin. Your ponytail wearing, taught scrubs fittin little minxes, oh how you evade me.

I bet you have the best stories

I hate toilet splash up

I figured out one reason I hate public restrooms. It is because of the spalsh from taking a #2 which inevitably hits my ssa. At least at home, I know it is my own toilet water and not some residual filth from a stranger contact my buttocks.
I took a dump at work and now going to go home and wash up.

Almost every day, around this time

I get an amazingly violent surge of anger. I've beaten my desk halfway to hell. What is wrong with me?

Okay, this is pissing me off....

I goggled "Tubgirl" and "goatse", and I'm not getting anything even remotely heinous...

Damnit, it may be sick and disturbing, but I want to see...

UPDATE:

OHHHH! Sweet Jesus!
That is the worst effin' thing I've ever seen.
I am not a better man for having seen that.

This picture makes me giggle like a fool.

Broke a bra

Like I don't know any better at this point in my life than to put it in the washing machine. I hate my laziness.

Open Mic Night was a success!

Felt good.

Rock stardom may yet be in the cards.

I have drank a lot of beers tonight.

My g/f could barely contain herself.

It was awesome.

*Going to bed now*

It's definitely in my best interests. I even had the girl I'm into drunkenly talking to me.

I'm very surprised as to how well I've been typing tonight. My tolerance must have really gone up lately.

Cannot wait for the wake and bake tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Old couple we worked for

The guy said there is watermelon and beer in the frig. After we were done that day, he offered us a cocktail. They didn't think they payed us enough, so they took us out for dinner that night at a nice place. Our middle class neighborhood looked when they picked us up for dinner in their new Lincoln. Early 80's

You wouldn't think it works... but it does

but it does..

Me: I've decided I'm not interested in you anymore

Girl: *laughs*

(awkward silence)

Girl: ... what..

Girl: ... ok...

(conversation continues on other subjects)

Girl: so why aren't you interested in me...

Me: cuase I told you I was a while ago, that I was... and you decided to not act on it and I don't have time to wait around for you to come around.."

Girl: well thats because you [multiple stories that I'm a whore and that I wasn't really interested, just saying that]

Me: No, I really was... but you didn't call, didn't email,... so whatever. I'm not mad, I'm just letting you know that I look at you now.. in a totally platonic light.

Girl: Thats not fair... [more excuses]

Me: Oh, its not?!?! Well, you had ample time to explore your feelings and come to a decision. I very rarely tell girls that I would really like to get to know them more than a friend, but I did you... and you didn't take action. Nothing wrong with it,... so lets not lie to ourselves.

Girl: So you're saying I missed out... on possible a good relationship?

Me: No, we have a good relationship... as friends.... but I just don't want to date you anymore. What we could have had, had you wanted to, doesn't matter now. Your decision.

Girl: Ok..then why do I feel like you're leaving me?

Me: I'm not... you're just not the object of my desire. Not hard babe.

Girl: Ok.

(conversation continues on other subjects)

Girl: I still don't understand why you don't want me. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Is this something that we can work out?

SF: *Sigh* Listen... don't worry about it. You're a great girl and a great friend, but I just wanted to clear the air and let you know that I'm your buddy... and thats it.

Girl: This isn't fair Me

Me: Its perfectly fair,... I gave you a chance and you didn't act. Its life.

Girl: Whatever.. I gotta go.

Me: PEAAAAAAAAAAAACE

(20 min later celly rings)

Girl: Listen, I know what you said… and it makes sense. I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I did really want to get to know you. I’ve just been so busy I haven’t had the time to really think about it.

Me: Ok

Girl: Ok…

Me: So what are you saying?

Girl: I don’t know

Me: Ok

Girl: @#%$. Why do I feel like I’m 16 again?

Me: Maybe cause you’re making this harder than it is.

Girl: I know… I think we both are.

(awkward silence)

Girl: What are you doing Friday night?


What is the purpose of this story? To prove that women only want you, when they know they can’t have you or that you’re not interested. I kinda felt that it was the truth, but it wasn’t until I was this upfront about it, that I realized it was a solid fact.

Flame away ladies and gents.

I've been sucked in, now I'm even starting to vote!

This is the 1st season I've watched American Idol from the beginning, and now I'm hooked.

Prettyboy Ace has got to go soon, but I think tonight it's going to be Elliott. The guy can sing pretty well, but has no stage presence.

Shocking confession

I kept hearing the word "tubgirl" used all over the place by people in public over the past few weeks and I didn't think much of it. But after a while, I started wondering about who tubgirl is. So last night I decided to look it up on the internet. Now I'll never be the same. I have to confess that I'll never be able to eat Butterscotch pudding again...........

******pukes******

Public transportaiton rant of the day

If I'm one of the bigger MF'ers on the train, and you get on at a later stop, and you're sorta big, too, and there are plenty of empty seats, some by pretty women, why the eff would you sit by me? Do you really enjoy rubbing legs and shoulders with me for 45 minutes? Because I didn't like it. Not one bit.

Little Giant ladders

We bought a Werner similar to the one on TV ad. Using it in a bathroom with 15 ft ceiling, a loft for a weightroom, and a whirlpool in the next room. I thought I was getting good with it, like on the commercials. Pulled out the locks, and down it came on my small toe! It is a thinking man's ladder. Great tool. Smashed the same toe, I almost broke a couple weeks ago.

Confession:

I have watched the show Blow Out since it's creation, and I LOL at MINIMUM 3 times an episode

why can't people understand that all he wants to do is make great hair

not many people in this world can do this

if you are keeping score at home

Bad Hair - 0
Jonathan - 1 million

bangladesh dude!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Anyone been to Kansas?

All I know is from watching the Wizard of Oz. I have a feeling it's changed since then...I hope.

my work is something else...

they had a pizza party when i first got work because of the good work we did on the last office depot job. the thing is, that half hour that we had for the pizza party, took away our lunch time. we only had an 8 minute break for lunch instead of a half hour. It felt like the shift took forever.

Is everyone else as excited as me

about getting the new Jimmy Buffett CD after work today? I guess it's not actually a Buffett CD since it's a soundtrack and only about half the songs are his, but it still should be cool. I'm really looking forward to hearing his covers of "Werewolves in London" and "Wondering Where the Lions Are", as well as his remake of his own song "Floridays". Only two new songs by him, but I'm looking forward to those too.

Greatest all time G.I. Joe vehicle


All-time LOCK

If this didn't go first in the vehicle portion of your friends' G.I. Joe draft, you needed better friends.

please interpret the following statement:

"Jeans or denim slacks, skirts or jackets of any color are not allowed at the club."

lets clear the air here about the fan situation....

Peiople have said that cardinals fans are the best. yes, curent and past cardinals players have said it also, like Mcgwire,Edmonds and rolen and so on. I think their opinion does mean alot because they have played in other cities one way or another. I think their opinion would mean alot because tyhey have seen it all from other fans. Tim McCarver also has said the cardinals have the best baseball fans and i dont care if he did play for the Cardinals or not. He is a Mets announcer now also and he still believes the cardinals fans are the best. gammons has said it also, and i dont care how it was said or refferred too.The Sporting News also said they were the best. Once again, i dont care where they are based, the bottom line is, they said they were the best. current cardinals announcer wayne hagan also said it just the other day that the cardinals fans were the best. BTW, he wasn't a cardinals announcer for very long, he came from colorado. i gave some examples of this and if you cub fans dont like it, kiss my ASS!!!!

put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Dear MySpace people

don't holler if you're a dude, a woman with kids or a band.

Thank you.

Just bought...


with the lotion and face wash. I smell goooooooooooooood.

I've had the ghey... well.. according to my ex. She made me that way. Style only.

Got hit by a golf ball for the first time this weekend.

What really sucks, is that it was my own! Stupid tree, now I have Top-Flite branded on my side.

Wives are great!

Yesterday, I gut busted by the lovely and talented Mrs. for looking down her blouse (she was showing a lot), and she didn't even chastise me.

*MAJOR UPDATE*

I'm now married. And really effing tired.

anyone had cake from Costco?

was it good? Bday invitations for the soon-to-be-FIVE-yr-olds go out today.

Ran in the 100th Boston

and I'm the anti-runner.

Boston had a lottery that year that allowed non-qualifiers to run. After making a drunken claim that I would enter the lottery, I decided to followed through on it. My first training run was the Race for the Cure 5K, where I promptly ended my quest by injuring my knee, rendering me unable to run for several months.

I forgot all about the marathon until I received notice that I was selected just a couple of months before the race. I hadn't run since my injury, but decided to run in the marathon anyway. I managed to crank out 10 miles (I was hoping for at least 5). I was in a world of hurt for at least a week afterwards.

PSA, the hot water side of the water cooler might be

the single greatest innovation in mankind's struggle for readily available hot beverages.

Works great for oatmeal as well.

TV Pet Peeves:

So I was watching Fellowship of the Ring for a few minutes yesterday. I just started watching before they went into Moria. Basically I was just watching to see Gandolf confront the Balrog on the bridge (I think that is a cool scene). Just when we get to that scene, my wife comes in the room and talks to me during the entire scene, spoiling it grrrrrrrrrrrr

The other issue I have is that USA network has started shrinking the screen and running ads at the bottom grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

remember my cat story with my neighbors?

apparently they are going to move because of this they have an open house sign in the front yard. how weird is that? they are going to move just because i havent gotten rid of the cats. Also, what kinda threat is that when the neighbor lady says." either get rid of the cats we will do something about it". verry VERY lame!. like this going to bother me in any way.

I saw Ron Jeremy at the ATL airport today.

He was wearing a shirt that said "I (heart) PETA"

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter menu

Potato salad, baked beans, and fried chicken. Bringing in KFC for the chicken. Talking about rain in the area. Dessert will be angel food cake with strawberries. Mrs Colt made a bunch of cupcakes for the kids. I am now tired of filling plastic eggs with candy!

Friday, April 14, 2006

One week from today...

I'll be on a beach in Cancun. That keeps me going.

I reinterate

Today sucks and needs to end as soon as possible.

Who would have thought the last few days of the week leading into the weekend (including the weekend) would suck.

Ugh.

I hate today.

I hated yesterday.

I hate this week.

I hate 2006.

Sadly, this did not blow off enough steam for me and I only have one beer at home.

2006 sucks.

Oh no wait, I lied.
I LOVE IT!!

i present a worthless post

So I am tryin on costumes this morning, like the pink gorilla one featured a few threads down and have a flashback to when i used to have to dress up like an ant when i worked at ants in thier pants....which THEN reminds me of my wierd boss who used to creep me out, everytime i came into work she always asked me "how's fudd"

then i really started delving into the noodle to remember why i named my first time and girlfriend "fudd", because she spoke just fine

this has been bothering me since then, and i have "kill the wabbit" running though my head

Just ate the last...

Writing is thinking on paper.

Lucky numbers: 17, 28, 5, 31, 10, 47

Squid: You-yu

There are lots of things I'd like to know how to say in Chinese before "squid."

3 yards of cedar mulch on the way

I hope it doesn't rain soon.

last year we ordered 4 and they delivered SIX! this year we are just filling in the gaps.

I played full court basketball for about 2 hours last night.

I'm effing crippled this morning.

The good part is, every time I do this I get sympathy back rubs from the g/f! w00t!

paterfamilias > Dave Kingman >>>>> dirty h

i think i'm branding cattle tomorrow

or whatever you call it.

hope mrs. and the kiddies don't get too close.

I've decided to swear off sesinep for awhile, should i:

1. stand by a keg til the end of the night every time i need a slump buster?
2. be confident in being single
3. choose to be a lesbian

this is really tough for me to say

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on that slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit


i never felt comfortable around anyone before to say that

would someone please entertain me?

anything.

so nice outside

again!

I do not want to be at work today!!! I almost want to go running even though I really should take today off of exercise completely!!!

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain

inexplicably in my head

Ug...I hate when certain late night calls....

...don't pan out.

I want some steak n shake but I'm too drunk to drive

that is all.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

a lot of talk about nuclear war

Have you ever seen a bomb shelter?

Time for a road trip

Heading down to Shawnee National Forest. April is a tough month with taxes, birthdays, Easter, etc. Nothing better than hiking for a week to calm the nerves.

My Granddaughter just stopped by

I get mad when my kids drop their children off. Then I melt when I listen to them talk. Don't enroll your children in activities, unless you attend them!

just reffed a basketball game in my office between 2

little dudes

rules-

1 point baskets
make it take it
no hanging on the rim
no out of bounds

GO!


5 minutes later, the question, do you have anything i can jump off of?

my answer, SURE

*hands over office chair*

wheels kinda effed that effort up....oops

NO (OLD) SOUP FOR YOU!

From O. Manager:

The refrigerator in main Kitchen is not currently an inviting place for food storage. It is not clean, and the smells that emanate from the fridge when the door opens . . . Well, use your imagination.

We will initiate a weekly housekeeping plan for the big fridge, beginning today.

Every Sunday - the janitorial crew will throw away any items which are not marked to save. After the bad stuff is discarded, the janitorial crew will clean and sanitize the fridge.

Colored labels + Sharpie pen will be kept on the shelf beside the fridge. If you have item(s) that you want to save, you must mark the item with a label and the date of current w/e on Saturday. The janitor will throw away any items which are not marked with a color label bearing the current week's date. For example, for this week, you will mark items to be saved with a color label and write 4/15/06 on the label. Any item which is labeled with current date will be saved. Anything that is not marked will be thrown away.

The process begins again each week. Any items that are in the fridge at end of next week must be labeled with a new label and marked 4/22/06. Otherwise, the items which do not carry the current date will be pitched.

just remember #3 (selohssa....)

*drum roll*

3. when waiters/waitresses start clearing plates before everyone is finished.

pet peeves for the day

1. peeling those $*&%$ "security" stickers off the top, side and bottom of DVD cases.

2. once you've plugged in an account number on the phone to a customer service center and then getting the question once a rep has come on the line " what is your account number?"

" you mean the one I just plugged in? That one...?"


there's another, but i've forgotten it already....

i got 99000 problems....

but a bitch aint one

Today is my 10 year anniversary, and we've already

established this morning that: 1) I think all women have hearts of stone, and 2) my wife thinks I'm a moran.

Should be one to remember.

Doing stupid stuff by yourself for absolutely no reason

I noticed I had two Budweiser cans in my fridge just now. Don't know where from, but the important thing is, they were there. I wanted to see if I could drink both of them in 45 seconds. I could. (Note: I can't chug beer, or any other type of liquid, for the life of me.)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i actually bought some ramen

haven't even CONSIDERED it since college when it was mandatory with my money going toward mind altering habits

they have some spicy ones now

it's wierd to have a full bachbasket and have the total come to only 10 bucks

My neighbor

Is trying to raise his daughters to be barefoot and pregnant. Thank goodness the oldest girl left. I liked her, because she was honest. Christian people upset me sometimes. He uses more 4 letter words than I do!

F-

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amber,

I want to apologize in behalf of Crappy Company USA that no one communicated the hourly pay schedule and the timing of your paychecks. We will be having a meeting to discuss the out come of the acquisition and I will bring up this problem. We need to make note of this for future acquisitions so that everyone understands our pay schedules.

Sincerely,
Nancy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Gee thanks. Now can you give me my effing missing check?

myspace is weird.

i guess i shouldn't just add anybody who sends me a message as a friend?

*shrug*

So it appears i slept in a bed i call my own for the final

time EVER last night.

Staying with the woman the rest of the week and officially moving in on Saturday. Damn this came up faster than i thought it would....

Feeling lightheaded-y and in a fog today.

Wonder what's the matter with me?

"Number eight." *belch*

"Number eight." *belch*
"Number eight." *belch*

Cheaters update...the guy's girl was cheating on him

with a girl. Both girls are fairly attractive. He's upset because if it was a guy he could kick his ssa but since its a girl he doesn't know what to do.

so i'm wearing a brand new shirt and tie today.

i also ordered a salad for lunch. the same salad that has put stains on two other ties.


chances of me making it through this lunch unstained?

Are the British lazy, or are we just crazy?

Note from the "home office":

Our London office will be closed this Friday in observance of Good Friday, and will also be closed on Monday in observance of Easter Monday.

???

Easter Monday?

I'm fine with the Good Friday thing, as it is the day in which our Lord and Savior gave his life for our sorry-ass souls, but I seem to recall he rose on the third day, not the fourth.

Are you an amazing, single, tall, successful 28-36 year old

single guy looking for love?

Let me know, i'll hook you up

Caffine..

its whats for bfast.

biatches.

I almost walked out at work lastnight.

THE. WORST. TIME . AT. WORK. EVER!!!

everything that could go wrong,did go wrong. I have never had troubles like i did lastnight.

If they put me onthe same machine again tonight, i am going to throw my books at my supervisor.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

So I saw a chick wearing gauchos (the ones that go

just below the knees) who was skinny enough to pull the look off. Tip to chicks with wide hips/big sessa: try wearing a longer skirt.

I seriously ate too much speghetti...

I'm feeling much like that dude from Se7en.

I need to hurl.

Good News!!!!!!!!!!!!

My finger is healed and has been for a few days now. nno need to worry aboput me losing my finger anymore.

it was touch and go for a while though.

anybody wanna know what it looks like when you put

brown shoe polish on your red shoes?

or say, you use one of those brown "polishers on the go" to go around teh toes and bottom of your shoe, but not the upper of your red shoe?

I think homosexuality is like autism

First I'd like to state that this isn't a religious belief. My religious belief is that anal sex and oral sex are wrong. So is premarital sex. Since almost everyone goes against Catholic teachings on sexuality at some point, when it is between consenting adults I don't care that much.

My personal feeling is that homosexuality is a disability or disorder, on the order of something like autism. I feel sorry for gays and realize that they are people beyond their sexual orientation, which is just a part of who they are and something that is difficult to deal with. I've found out that I know some gay people and they are more than a sexual orientation.
However, I do not want to see the definition of marriage altered because of people with a disability. I think there should be civil unions that allow for some legal rights, but the term marriage should always refer to one man and one woman.
Also, I find GLBT stuff to be distasteful and I don't like how prevalent it is in the entertainment industry.

Well, Thursday should be interesting...

Apparently I'm meeting my father for the first time.

Ah yes, the gaunlet of emotions is running rampant.

This is the face of a champion...


.

I need to find the best tasting jellybeans!

was looking at the Target yesterday and left unimpressed. Preferably a brand that has lime instead of green apple (and is not jelly belly).

TIA.

Technology confuses me.

We have a problem with our phone line, phone is dead. Phone co. did a test and says the probelm is outside the home and will fix it today.

Why does my DSL still work?

Morning!

i have a burned out headlight!



that is all!

Monday, April 10, 2006

How'd I receive this injury? (grossness warning)

Sarcastic hint: It was a pretty intense altercation

So long bitches, I'm off for a week vacation

*flips the bird*

i am completely clueless here.

Mary Mary, why ya buggin'?

I actually said that today with reference to an author of mine named Mary.

Should I chop off a foot of my hair?

I think I've got room to cut 10-12" and have it fall just above or right at my shoulders. Not sure if I want to go that short but it's getting on my nerves at this length and it'll grow back eventually. I'm also thinking that all the running/swimming/biking will be easier with more manageable hair.

So... should I cut it? And if I should wait, how long?

For those that missed it the first time around, I've been growing my hair for Locks of Love.

Lil Porgys staff know me by name...

I should really lay off the pork sammichs.

We currently have two birds in our office

Apparently a client walked in the door and two birds flew in the door with them. They are flying around our office and running into the windows.

Any ideas as to how we can get them out????

Update: Apparently one of the partners just left to get a net. details to follow as they develop.

"dorks"

we're posting on an internet message board. we are all dorks! (or nerds or geeks).

Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut update

Yeah, the peanuts ones are just as delicious as the almond ones, if not delicious-er.

SOMEONE SET US UP THE BROOM!

Larussa: What happen?
Pujols: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Edmonds: We get signal.
Larussa: What !
Edmonds: Main screen turn on.
Larussa: It's You !!
D-Lee: How are you gentlemen !!
D-Lee: All your base are belong to us.
D-Lee: You are on the way to destruction.
Larussa: What you say !!
D-Lee: You have no chance to survive make your time.
D-Lee: HA HA HA HA ....
Larussa: Take off every 'zig' !!
Larussa: You know what you doing.
Larussa: Move 'zig'.
Larussa: For Dave Justice.

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Aight so amazing MILF Hunting stories eh?..part I

First off let me say, excellent bar crawl last night. Tons of fun, tons of moms, and tons of drunken memories. I'll break it up so it's not War and Peace in each thread.

The evening started out late for me, I was doing work until 9 (they started at 4) so we met up with them at a later stop. We were supposed to go Brothers but the line was past Jimmy Johns and 9 wide so we went to the next stop: Gully's.

Upon arriving at Gully's we were immediately showered with shots and booze due to us knowning the bartenders and moms who appreciated the attire. Ours numbers were slow to start since we were ahead of the pack at the next stop but we did not deviate from the plan.

3 double vodka redbulls (don't worry I tipped well), 3 Jager bombs, and a couple of large surfer on acids later I was ready to start the hunt.

Upon meeting a lovely young (45?) lady by the name of Shelley I immediately introduced myself and my partner in crime. We proceeded to have lovely conversation, met her cute young daughter, and her daughter's friend's mother. As a side note, easiest way to aggrivate a young woman is to ignore her and harmlessly flirt with their mother.

After enjoying classic moments in drunken speak we proceeded to do multiple shots with Shelley, Mary Beth, and the daughter and bidded them adieu.

Moving forward to the next target I realized a required additional funding. I proceeded to the ATM, took out too much money, and heard a young siren call my name. I peak up to notice a friend of mine, her friend, and her mom. After trying to convince them to do shots with me (and the friend to hang out with me the rest of the night) they proceeded to leave and I proceeded back to the game.

I return back into the belly of Gully's, find my fellow hunters, and find the next mom. This younger lady (probably 3 was the object of my attention. A shot later and we find ourselves enjoying a sensual dance together that ended with a hug and a peck of a cheek. Though she was quite attractive her husband wanted his bride back. Him and I hugged and handbumped then I moved forward.

Next target was actually my fellow hunter's mom, who was with her husband as well. We shared a drink, shared a few laughs, and shared some lovely pointless flirting.

As you can see this proceeded a few more different times while at Gully's. I would circle the bar, get stopped by a group of strangers (men and women alike) and they wanted a Kodak moment to remember forever. I was not alone in this obviously, every hunter was doing the same exact things and having the same exact outcome.

It was honestly a very cool time and the moms loved it. My buddy told me they would but I was skeptical to say the least and I was quite glad to be proved wrong.

PART II: Station

Ah the MILF Hunt

what stories, what good times...

....what more can I say..

I'll share stories tomorrow

..and there are plenty.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

I'm off to join the MILF Hunt!

Look for us out on campus tonight. If I'm alive I'll post stories later.

How'd the party go?

Well, good and bad

A ton of people showed up, my apartment was packed. The downside to this was that I was not expecting anywhere near that many people and you couldn't move. I know there's at least 10 or so people who didn't pay, too, so there was $50 gone. I caught a few people that I knew hadn't paid and asked them for their money, they looked mad but knew I had caught them. skciD.

I also didn't get to drink a lot during the party because 1) I didn't want to fight through people to get to the liquor and 2) I was standing guard by my room because I didn't want anyone walking out with any of my DVDs, PS2 games, etc from there. My roomate had to stand guard by the door because there were overheard conversations of people stealing bottles and going back to their place, etc.

We were turning away people at the end of the night and we got a noise complaint, so I turned off my music and got everyone's attention and told the underage people to leave since the cops were coming. That cleared about 20-30 people out, but I think at least a few of them came back.

I got a hold of a few bottles with a few shots left in them when things were calmed down and I downed those after I hadn't drank much for the previous hour or two. I was pretty frustrated, but think I did a good job of keeping my cool.

There were some people b!tching about me kicking people out, but I don't care. I didn't know any of them and will never see them again. I don't give a rats ass if you think I'm a kcid. Just don't come here again, fine by me.

Shot parties are great when you have about 25-30 people and have some room to have fun. Not so fun when you have 75+

Things closed down and the last few people left (all people I knew) around 2:45.

Missed appointments

An old customer called yesterday. Her daughter and son-in-law bought a victorian house set in the country. The old customer gave me the wrong address and phone number. I set up an appointment to look at the house "next" weekend on the April 8. I meant on 4/15. He called up wondering where I was at this morning for the 10:00 AM appointment. All my kids birthdays fall in April and 2 of my grandkids birthdays fall in April. Then there is Easter. Just too many dates to rememember. Only the second missed appointment in 25 yrs of business.

Just drank 2 different kind of fruity Martinis

Rasberry (with actual crushed berries inside)
Godiva Chocolate

YUMMIE

Friday, April 7, 2006

plans for the weekend?

Clean a lot, maybe pack some
buy condo, move, leave for Cuba.
Going to see a friend's band tonight.
Dunk contest on an 8 foot rim at the local Y.
Drink heavily, objectify women
club some baby seals, make an omlette out of condor eggs
Sake bombs, washers, sleep, learn to juggle, grill
band, mexican, puppies, run, clean, bike, taxes, cubs

Just saw a nice walk of shame at 1:30PM

Nice long umbros, oversized t-shirt, and high heels. Classy look, young woman.

well, another problem just popped up

i went to my next door neighbors and it appears my cats are a major problem with them. the neighbor lady was complaining about them coming over all the time.

she said that both of the female cats are pregnant again. i haven't seem in a while so i have no idea whats going on with them. she started to complain about fleas and everything when it comes to her dog, and saying that the cats are giving her dogs fleas.

When the dog goes inside, the dog is bringing the fleas into the house. she has 3 kids and it's starting to get into the bed and things like that. she made it very clear that i need to do something about the cats or they will. i think i have my answer with the some of the other cats missing. one just disappeared recently and i found one dead in my shed about 2 months ago.

BTW, they do not like cats to begin with.

Friday Poetry Corner!

April is National Poetry Month, so get used to it, suckaz.

Let's lead off with an old favorite!

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

William Carlos Williams

My haul for the night

(All 5ths)

Goldschlager
Triple Sec
Caracao
Bailey's
Arctic (vodka...didn't need it, but I liked the bottle and it looked good)
Tequila
Amaretto (x2)
Jager

plus all types of mixers for cocktails (for the nancies that don't take shots and since some shots require some of them) and also some more beer.

And that was just to finish up my collection or things I was running really low on. The drinky will be in full effect tomorrow night!

Thursday, April 6, 2006

OMG

so im at the library using the puter cuz the internets free there and there's always a few cute boys who walk by and im trying to find out what kind of place rockford is cuz theyre looking for counselors when all of sudden this total @#%$ comes up and says she needs to use the puter im working on. so i said, um no u cant use it, im using it now when she just reaches out and turns off the puter. so now im really so i reach down and take one of my leather sandals, the one with the cute shell straps that i always wear with cargo roll-up capris i bought on sale at the gap, and i @#%$-slap this @#%$ing @#%$ until she's like whining and crying like the little @#%$ that she is. i guess that @#%$ wont be @#%$ing with NAX anymore :P

and then this cute boy walked by and he looked like my old b/f so i asked him if he liked the number 5. lol j/k

PS

I'm kind of a big girl, do you want to put me out of my misery, too?

so i met mrs for lunch today. (at chili's)

was running late, so i had her order for me - chicken caesar salad, and water.

shortly after i arrived, the waiter brought the food to the table. one dish was a chicken caesar salad, the other dish was an enormous chicken fried stack, pile of mashed potatoes (both covered with gravy), texas toast and corn on the cob.

the waiter tried to give me the chicken fried steak.

appar, he had tried to give mrs the water earlier too.

i got a kick out of it.

Cleared the time at the office

e-mailed acceptance to my publisher, now waiting for MGM to call and see if this really happens.

I don’t know why I am writing this

This isn’t going to be one of my ordinary posts where I keep things light...or when I go off on someone. No. This one is going to be personal and truthful. For the first time, I am going to let you all in on something. Now if this doesn’t get one reply or even one glance,..it makes no difference to me, for this one isn’t about getting attention.

Then why post it here?” is probably the response a lot of you are saying. Well...the reason is quite simple...because you have all seen my actions...so therefore you need to know why they occur.

As most of you know...sometimes can fly off the handle at the moments notice. Put simply...I’m very easy to piss off. And although I have always had quite the temper (I tried to set my best friend on fire with lighter fluid after we got in a fight over a video game...I was 9 at the time and spent quality time with a child psychologist because of it) I have tamed over the last 16 years. I guess I just matured out of it and it’s probably a good thing I did. Although I say Ill do violent things...(aka the misunderstood”AK-47 joke) I would never do them or even THINK about doing them. Those of you who have met me know that I am pretty laid back...easy going...and don’t say an awful lot which is maybe one of many problems that make me do the things I do. Pent up rage and frustration.

All my life I have failed. Here we go... feeling sorry for himself again” is probably the thoughts running through many of your heads who have always been somewhat skeptical of me. But I’m not. Failed in relationships…failed at jobs. And let’s just say that I don’t take failure too well. And all that failure has let to confidence issues. That’s why I always hop from job to job...because I fear that I’ll fail and be fired. That’s why I’ve been single for the past 6 years. No confidence to get back into the scene because I fear rejection and to me..that equals failure. Even when there is nothing at stake.,.I still fear failure. I guess I trigger it all back to my 7th grade year. Now, I never was a good basketball player. Hell...on a team with only 7 players...I barely played more than 3 minutes a game. So I finally get into a game...and I hit my first shot...so I feel confident. We go to the 4th Quarter and w e’re down by 1 with 5 seconds left. I have the ball and I shoot....I miss. I lose the game (only reason I am in at this time is because 2 people have fouled out and our coach didn’t want to to do the “Hoosiers” scene with only 4 players on the court). I was depressed for weeks. I failed every test I took that week and all I could think in my head was I’m a failure. I lost. The one game that we could have won that season...and I blew it! “Although everyone else around me had forgotten it...and never blamed me in the first place.. .1 didn’t forget and did blame myself. I kept thinking it over and over in my head ... ’failure ... failure”. Before the next game..I quit the team. Why? I don’t know. It just seems that after that... anytime I fail something...I quit. When something got too tough..] quit Because I couldn’t stand to fail again. I tried to get in better shape...I didn’t get results fast enough...I quit. The n-ore I think about it...I started thinking about the character Jim Belushi played in Mr. Destiny”. If I would have hit that shot, like if he hit the homerun, would my life be different? Would have I continued to play sports in junior high and High School? Would have I been good enough to play in college, or maybe even play professionally? Would I have gone to a big school and majored in something I wanted to do rather than what I was TOLD to do? Would I have a backbone instead of being spineless and doing what everyone told me to do? Would I have the courage and the money to be able to move out on my own instead of still living with my n-other? Would my life be different? Would my dad still be alive today? Yes...as weird as it sounds...I blame myself for my father’s death. If I had a better job, he wouldn’t have had to pick up my nephew at daycare... drive on that Interstate, and crash into an 18 Wheeler.

Here comes Peter Cottont -- OHMYGODWHATISTHATTHING?!

Jeez...

somebody should have told me this was such a pain in the ssa. I just finished my wedding seating chart. I am *so* glad my LSAT skills finally came in handy.

Holy carp!

Publisher wants me to go to Prague. Preparing to film a new Bond movie, they need someone to teach people how to play baccarat. MGM would be footing the bill. Sounds cool, but it's in 2.5 weeks. Not sure I can break away.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Remember guys, always get it in writing...

www.helpwinmybet.com/

Apparently this guy has a bet going with his girlfriend about how many hits he can get by making just a random website. He has quite an interesting bet going with his girlfriend, and like any smart guy would do, he got it in writing.

I saw Greg Brunner at O'Hare today

Whale Rider

Watched the DVD from the library last night. I feel fortunate Mrs and I saw whales in Hawaii a few years ago. The Pacific Whale Foundation was great, while we were whale watching. The German girl barely made it to the rail to lose her lunch. Keep your eye on the shoreline.

Y'know what blows my mind?

What we think of as reality is actually an interactive movie stitched together by our brains out of milliseconds of sensory data. Anything we think is happening "now" actually happened in the past.

I've always been fascinated by color. Color is only a perception of one's own neuro inputs. What is seen and called blue in color may be perceived as another color to some one else, yet still called blue. Does this make sense?...because it kind of blows my mind.

I don't know if this is true or not...but I have heard that we actually have a "blind spot" in our vision that our brain fills in with a "good guess" of what is actually there... (or something like that) Something about how stereovision can't create a full picture, so the brain fills the rest in.

I can smell the freshly cut grass right now...

***sniff sniff***

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I LOVE SPRING!!!

how does one lose a knife...

which presumably didn't leave the house?

My best Japanese preparation knife has gone missing. It's been about a month now and no signs of it in any of the kitchen drawers.

That sux because it was probably the most expensive (and best) knife I've ever owned and I just bought it less than two years ago.

I've decided I want to be a fireman when I grow up.

Cool trucks.
Cool uniforms.
Chicks dig 'em.

Yep that's the life for me!

Why do they even bother to make vanilla pudding?

Since chocolate pudding is superior to it in every way.

PSA

in a shocker, i am now jean short free.

i recently bought some new shorts and the jeans shorts are no more.

NO MORE JEAN SHORT JOKES!

I just threw up in my mouth

last hair cut was last Nov

I'm a little overdue I guess.

Pet peeve of the day

the women in the express line who wait until EVERYTHING is rung up and then AND ONLY THEN start to rummage through their purse for their wallet and then, you guessed it, have to write a check and stand there entering the amount of $3.15 into their check register before moving on.

shoot me. i am a freakin magnet for that, or the person who has 97 yogurts but only counts them as "1 item"- is that technically breaking the rules- i mean the cashier still has to count them all up- 2 or 3 or 4 is fine, but i think 10 is pushing it as "1 item."

this weather is messing with me

i wake up this morning and it's cold out. one day it's hot, and the next it's cold.i'm always keeping my jean shorts handy though just in case it is warm.

Another college lesson

Muchos shots = nada play

I had this happen last weekend.

Your body (and certain parts) won't always agree with your brain after a dozen Jager bombs and three wise men all night. There is a reason they call it whisky d***. Though muchos vodka = muchos play..

...now I'm officially embarassed.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

My favorite people at the John Mellencamp show

don't forget to buy milk

don't forget to buy milk; don't forget to buy milk; don't forget to buy milk; don't forget to buy milk.

i'm going to forget to buy milk.

Beware of this Scam!

Probably more than most, I just hate people who forward too many warnings, but this one is important and you should send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do NOT do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

WOOHOO! new mattress has arrived

this is a big deal in our household.

it's both exciting and pathetic.

I had to chastise our attractive young associate

poor thing became flushed, chest heaving, on the verge of tears.

Well, sweetie, when you send an email, twice, and it is returned both times as "undeliverable", perhaps you should try contacting the recipient to verify the email address before coming to me with, "Mr. BBonB, I don't know what to do here."

I don't like chastising people, but she did come back later, with tail between her long, shapely legs, and apologize.

It is not easy being Gozer to my little Gatekeepers and Keymasters.

Vaseline

You will see them starting at about mile 10 or so. They have these huge spatulas with Vaseline on them. Some people hold out cups of water, others spatulas of Vaseline.

Is there really a phone call that is so important that you

have to talk on your phone in the bathroom? Either hold it in, or wait until you're done!

Anyone still awake?

Cuz I am and I have finished the first paragraph of the 6-page paper I was supposed to be working on for the last 6 hours. Time to buckle down and do it I guess.

Monday, April 3, 2006

In other news: I am now out of 9v batteries....

as each of my gazillion smoke detectors peep at me day by day that they need new batteries. Why is it that when I said on Sunday (after the first went off at 2am and second one went off at 5am) "honey, lets go ahead and replace all those batteries today to avoid this again" that we didn't?

Free writing tip o' the day:

If you find yourself wanting to use "literally" in a sentence, don't.

more overpriced things to buy your kids.....

how about a 10k swingset

they look superfun, and our neighbors have one, but I think we'll be sticking with Lowe's.

Wookin Pa Nub in all da wong faces, Wookin Pa Nub

let me introduce myself........

Sup all.....long time viewer over 4 years.......finally gathered the courage to post so go easy on me...LOL.....

OK down to business..........lets put Weber, Roy Williams, Coach K, and Self in a round robin each picking his own team basically like playground style. If each coach was able to choose his own team from lets say the top 100 ranked players coming in 2006 how do you think the records would reflect playing 10 games against each coach?

My take: Weber vs.

Coach K 6-4
Williams 5-5
Self 8-2

Weber 19-11

Opening Day

Are people excited about opening day today? I guess it still hasn't really hit me yet.

MAJOR UPDATE

"I wish I could quit you."

Sunday, April 2, 2006

I always come at everyone with attitude.

What, exactly, do you plan to do about it?

If it doesn't fly with you, surely you plan on doing something about it.

WWE Hall of Fame Inductees and pictures

i saw the last part of it lastnight on USA. It was nice to see the Bret Hart again. It was a little awkward with him there with Vince Mcmahon sitting in the stands. I remember that ugly incident real well.

The BlackJacks (inducted by Bobby Heenan)


Verne Gagne (inducted by his son, Greg Gagne)


William "The Refridgerator" Perry (inducted into the Celebrity wing along with Pete Rose by John Cena)


"Mr. USA" Tony Atlas (Inducted by S.D. Jones)


Sensational Sherri Martel (Inducted by "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase)


"Mean" Gene Okerlund (Inducted by Hulk Hogan)


Eddie Guerrero ( Inducted by Chavo Guerrero, Chris Benoit, and Rey Mysterio, Eddie's widow Vicki and his two daughters accepting on his behalf )


Bret "Hitman" Hart (inducted by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin)

Saturday, April 1, 2006

Last night I was at the library

to get a book about 'thinking like a cat' to try and get some new ideas on trying to get my kitties to get along better with each other. Anyway I ended up getting 5 cat books (not that I have time to read them).

Then visited the DVD section where I checked out Singing in the Rain. I might as well had a big sign on that read 'SINGLE'

Alrigth listen... *grammar alert*

TOO many people have been spelling "too" wrong. Please use it correctly. TIA

Nothing like getting back to your apartment at 9 am

finding 4 people (including my roommate) up partying with beer bottles galore, wine bottles, a hookah, 2 bowls and a large sack of shrooms and weed on the kitchen counter. And this is the 2nd week in a row. THey also just started shrooming an hour ago.

8 years ago...this was common but not when you're 28 years old and have a career and stuff.

2 weeks and counting until I move....

guh