Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Have you ever saved anyone's life?

Pushed a guy out of the way of a moving car and then proceeded to get hit by said car.

I did the Heimlich maneuver on my mother-in-law....on Mother's Day, no less.

I pulled up to a stoplight and a drunk was passed out with his car rolling towards the intersection
I hopped out and put the car in park and woke him up, then drove his car over to the side of the road and told him to call someone.

I refrained from a killing an old cubicle mate who ate too loud.

I pulled a garage open to someone who trying to kill themselves through carbon monoxide.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm FB friends with a girl I used to hook up with in the summer of '91.

She posted pics of a daughter who I think turns 18 this summer. Wait. W.T.F? Also, she's married to one of my oldest and best friends.
*lets sleeping dog lie*

Friday, April 24, 2009

other facts that may or may not be known

once locked myself in a locker thanks to you cant do that on television...blamed a bully out of embarassment...still feel bad about it
i have been arrested 4 times
i went through a stripper phase in dating
i posed nude for money in college
i have experience with trained falcons
i bought condoms to a family reunion and used them
i have been hit by a car in garcias parking lot
i tore my acl/mcl/miniscus in a drunke trampoline accident and still partied till dawn on easter sunday
i once ate 4 monster burgers in one evening and spilled my extra large beverage in the hardees lobby 5 times...each time asking for a free refill...then work up on the toilet with explosive bowels
i shaved my basektball number in my head in 8th grade
i have totalled 4 cars
i almost died twice in mexico...once with "jay-z" in a pot deal gone bad and then losing 30 lbs in 3 days due to some unknown stomach issue...i dropped into random non english speaking clinics to shots of demerol to keep my party goin

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I collect, assmemble and/or paint 25mm plastic and metal figures

from a number of genres (military, science fiction, fantasy). Many are used in tabletop wargames.

Here's one I painted probably 10 years ago.

Here's a more recent one.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Funny thing my firstborn does lately:

Any time she gets naked, she feels compelled to turn her back and point her butt to me and say "LOOK AT MY BUTT!"

Friday, April 17, 2009

the worst is the kid that won't stop yelling

but is old enough to be told to STFU and understand what it means. that gets you dirty looks from me.

i get the message across to let the parents know that i was pissed off

i shouldn't have to be disturbed by your f*cking kid. having a kid doesn't give you the right to bother people and no i don't have to deal with it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

billinguality is pretty overrated, IMO

no offense, but very few higher earning jobs require one to speak Spanish.

human services jobs are worthwhile and rewarding, but I'd want better for my kids.

let's attribute it to cultural differences. For Russians, earning ability is much more important factor in viewing one's career as "successful" than intangible factors like job satisfaction and helping others.

Just found myself.

I'm in the upper right quadrant, wearing what is likely a Bears sweatshirt, judging by the color. Roughly second row from the top, seven from the right.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

So my MIL is a former LMT

Wife wanted her to give me a massage so she could learn a couple techniques.

Needless to say I was a little resistant to the idea of my MIL giving me a massage. But after a couple of days I relented.

It was...different. I had a hard time relaxing at first, but I eventually did.

But then the wife started trying the stuff her mom was showing her while her mom was working on a different part of me. So I was getting a massage from my wife and her mother at the same time.

I really don't know how to describe that other than conflicting. Or something.

Never mind.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Very few guys care about the last 10% between a ''rockin bod'' and the level of perfection of Adriana Lima

I've dated a couple of girls who had essentially that body type. Believe me, I didn't care a bit that they didn't have quite the muscle tone that she does.

I went to a strip club about a month ago

(and as much as I like boobs et al, I really don't like strip clubs and find them tremendously awkward, but my friend insisted we go). After being there for about 10 minutes, Steve Mongo McMichael walks in and sits down at the table next to us. We talked for a second and all the girls crowded around him as he is a regular (Blackjack's in Elgin). He then says to us, "wanna see how an 85 Bear gets down?", and then walked up to the stage and made it rain with a handfull of singles. It was entertaining.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

killed two mice last night

i got the call today. "come home. there are two dead mice in the traps you set." said a nervous mrs.
"i'm stuck up north for a few hours, waiting for the geniuses to fix my computer. i'll be home after dinner."
" can't you come earlier? i've got stuff to put in the pantry and i don't want to open the door."
"they're dead, y'know. completely kaput."
silence. so i get home and undo the traps, dropping the little critters in a WalMart bag, trucking out to garage. " hey, mice do a sort of reverse meconium. both of them had a little crap pellet sidled up next to their carcasses. and one had this *really surprised* look across his chops."
i had grabbed one by the tail and dangled it before my eyes.
"THAT'S GROSS.!" so i took an ammonia wipe and cleaned the crime scenes, dried it off and re-set the traps.
this was, in fact, the perfect set-up. tomorrow, after another kill, i will find a rubber mouse, stick it in a trap, and do the switcheroo at the appropriate time, lowering it into my mouth.
i can't ####ing wait.