Friday, April 30, 2010

Catie D. turning me down to the senior prom?

Are you kidding me? I was totally out of your league, yet I found you weirdly attractive like Siobhan Magnus. Just because you were still a V and I wasn't doesn't make me some sex crazed maniac you goody two shoes b###h.

Monday, April 19, 2010

good tune for baby boy slideshow/movie...?

i'm throwing a quick 3 minute slideshow.

just a bunch of baby shots of the boy. his name is Rocky ( swear to god...)

and he's really fucking ugly.

Friday, April 16, 2010

one of my weirdest moments in working in radio .....

when i first started i was doing all kinds of "lackey" jobs

one included going out as a roving mic for the morning show

i had to trick or treat in a pumpkin costume to random places in town live on the air

a frat house...the mayors houses...etc

ring up ol jerry and he answers....white button down yet his was buttons...smoking a marlboro light

we talked on the air in his kitchen him mostly disrobed

me in a round pumpkin outift

i wish i had a cam phone

he gave me a box of triscuits

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm currently rocking an awesome red welt on my forehead

I was reaching down into a desk drawer for a catalog when a violent sneeze attacked me. My head was thrown forward and down...right onto the corner of the glass sheet that covers my desk.

Well, my shirt's on backwards.

Promising start to the day.

Friday, April 9, 2010

There ought to be a law

I warned my neighbor about having his family park their cars across from my driveway. I told him I was older and didn't pay attention sometimes. I backed out and hit his b-in-laws truck in the side door. Chewed everyone's *ss out. Called the insurance company and it will be paid for. The truck was damaged before. The kid was alright. Grew up near Carbondale and we talked about hiking the Shawnee Forest.

witnessed a wicked crash the other day

some broad tried passing a semi on the right on a 2 lane street right when he was making a wide right turn
it was like the sticker on the back of the truck come to life

timing was just wild
blew her clean out of her shoes
laid her down and she was donked...screaming about revenge and shit

truck driver was frazzled and knocked over a hydrant
he went to light a smoke......i grabbed him.....dude your leaking diesel bro

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dear attractive coworker from LA office here in DC to train with us this week....

for the love of pete, please stop eating the banana in the training class. 99% of hetero men watch a woman like you (yes...she is) slowly eat a banana and picture our weenises instead. okay?

my 3 inches of snipped jew-dong almost lifted the conference room table off the floor.


i will try to subtly get a cell phone pic if i can.

she also is wearing a conservative skirt with a high slit in it...which IMHO is 10x hotter than a short mini skirt. it's the mystery of the unknown. jfc this class better be over soon or imma soil myself.

Monday, April 5, 2010

It just so happens I have a weakness for dudes with girlynames...

He's a couple years younger than I am. Got fired from his last job as a pizza delivery guy.

He's pretty good on Xbox, though, so he's got that going for him.

And he has a lot of experience as a security guard. So you'd always feel safe. In a Blart kind of way.

One winter he won a couple grand in the lotto. Kept us in weed and beer for the whole freaking winter! We played so much damn D&D that winter I'd dream about it.

Great guy. I'm sure you'd love him.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Possibly depressing reassurance

You're WAY too old for a sex trafficker to care about abducting you

Friday, April 2, 2010

When I was in the 7th grade, I was on my school’s track team

The school obviously had a tiny budget for track and field equipment. My dad made the hurdles out of used 2 x 4s. The high jump and pole vault standards were made of metal poles cast into concrete-filled truck tires. The coolest thing though was the landing mat for the high jump and pole vault. It was made of what appeared to be an old sewn together fishing net filled with brick sized pieces of foam; like the kind that you use when washing your car.

The mat was sort of a makeshift gathering place for hanging out after track practice. We would sit out there, smoke cigarettes and swap stories about school. Okay, we never smoked cigarettes, but one time somebody did bring some pop rocks and wax lips, both of which were strictly prohibited on school property. I was always uncomfortable hanging out with the cool kids, but because it was a carryover from track practice, I was tolerated.

One day, 6 or so of us were sitting out there on the mat, including Lindsey, a girl I had a huge crush on. Right in the middle of a serious conversation about how Mork tried to kidnap Fonzie last night on TV, all the guys jumped off the mat in unison, leaving just me and Lindsey. Before I could react, they folded the mat over on top of us, rolling us up inside. I was fear-stricken. I don’t remember ever being claustrophobic before or since, but at that moment, I was convinced that I was about to die. I was probably pressed up against the cutest girl that I had ever seen, but all I could do was scream like a little girl that I was suffocating.

Despite my pleading, the guys sat on top of mat for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t even acknowledge Lindsey. I just kept screaming. Eventually, they unfolded it and let us out. I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, including Lindsey. I just ran across the playground as fast as I could, got on my bike and pedaled home. I never, in my whole life, said a single word to Lindsey ever again.

Tried to pick up a prostitute in Peoria

I was drunk and lonely living in an apartment near Bradley. Drove downtown and pulled up next to a lady on the street. Before I finished the conversation, an undercover cop pulled up next to me, with his red light on the dash. Told me to go home or get tickets for driving drunk and solicitation. That really went well. Never tried paying for it again.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

today's installment of My Weekly Coffee Sulls was a real crowd-pleaser

sitting in the airport lounge, scanning my email on my phone . relaxed, legs outstretched, crossed at ankles, sitting in lounge chair, dipping periodically into a nice bowl of lounge trail mix and sipping a piping hot fancy coffee drink on the table next to me.

eyes locked on my phone screen , I casually left hand it to dip into the mix and dip my digits into the searing fancy coffee. was mute about it, but my fingers screamed HOLY #### I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT and as I yanked them out i sprinklered coffee on the broad next to me .

I'm ####ing awesome .