Friday, July 30, 2010

Let me tell you the story of a good friend of mine (y'alls'll enjoy this)

    So I have this good friend Matt. When he was in high school, he dated this girl named Kelly for four years. And we were all pretty sure that Matt would end up marrying Kelly. (Kelly was a twin, this is important information for later on)

    But Kelly didn't like giving blowjobs. She liked to have her yssup eaten, but refused to return the favor. And as a Catholic, she was opposed to pre-marital sex. In four years, she never once touched Matt's kcoc. But he ate her close to every day during their four year relationship.

    Something happened that caused them to break up. Kelly then met a guy. Matt went looking for Kelly one night (nothing deranged, he was just in jumpingdan's "I want her back" shoes). Matt calls Kelly's twin, and her twin (who wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed) mentions that ON THE FIRST DATE, Kelly gave this new guy a blowjob.

    Matt was livid. How did he respond? Well, after he was talked out of killing the new guy, he started to bone anything that moved.

    He did a cougar in his parents bed. He did the same cougar in her hot tub. He was in ROTC in college, and after college was stationed in Manhattan, Kansas, where he almost knocked up the widow of an Iraq veteran. He had multiple three ways and four ways while in college. He's now in Texas and sent pictures of him boning two large breasted chicks in the bathroom of a bar. He also got a blowjob from the bridesmaid I was with during a mutual friend's wedding.

    He, in short, turned into a sex fiend.

    And then, he met a girl who he really likes and who likes to bone and give bjs and then bone some more.

    What's the point of this story? I don't think there is one. I just like telling it.

I just got called "super handsome" by a non-family member.

    I'm just as shocked as you are.

    Oh crap. She gave me her number and told her to call her after midnight. "You will be glad you did." Either shit just got REAL, or this is a scambot phisher.

    Currently on the call. She's talking a lot. This is good.

    She talked about her pussy a lot. She just adopted him from the shelter.

    Help: What's the best way to get blood out of a blanket?.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things dudes would rather do than me (not exhaustive):

* play golf
* bone up on guitar skills
* sleep
* get a divorce
* stay with a wife he hates
* get drunk
* stay sober

True stories.

I am comically bad at this.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

made a surprise for my husband. (extreme cocktease/attn whore alert)

He is at work but it is cat vacation on asssmembly line so he has to sit in Safety slide show meetings all 8+ hours of the day all week. He is so very bored.

So i made a sexy text message video for him to watch tomorrow. (Ill send at a break so no one else sees it) it should perk him up for the rest of afternoon.

No,i wont post the video or any pics.

If you just have to make a visual: guilded chair in front of mirror, see through white lace lingerie. I explained what i like and want in detail i think he will be a smiley man all afternoon.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Anybody else having trouble keeping their urine the proper color?

This morning about 10:00 I did 20 minutes on the bike followed by a 20 minute run. Urinated at the transition and it was fine. Had water on the bike, and Gatorade and water since finishing. I feel good, but i'm back to a real yellow - not dark, but darker than it should be.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

i'm not sure this is the appropriate forum

but i had 3-way curry over rice at a dive british pub ( CA not ENG) last night and it absolutely eviscerated me.

first of all, put my entire head into a sweat. awesome.

then as i'm walking down the street, about six blocks from the car, i feel the gears click into place. like heavy machinery waking from the night shift. i say to my buddy " don't talk to me, i've got a Code Brown STAT. "

i pick up the pace and about a block away it's the bataan death march. one step at a time, look at my watch, pretend i'm not really walking anywhere, just checking my iphone ( and not crapping myself) . i see the car now ; it might as well be in a different state.

but right in front of me is the public library. not quite a casino, but close. so as i limp toward my goal, i'm actually thinking " if i were an architect, where would I put the bathroom?" at this point, i feel like i've got a midget welder in my drawers. with a bad ####ing attitude.

i get to the front door and start looking around for the head. nothing. no dice. don't want to be *that guy* who just walks in and asks " excuse me, where is your restroom?" which could be the worst decision of my life. because i trundled all over the place and never found it -- until i walked through the farkin' courtyard, past the coffee stand and found it squirreled away in the back. by now, i'm pretty sure i've Pollacked my boxers.

i find a stall and patent a new aerobic exercise in dropping drawers,hitting the seat and emptying my insides.

evisceration complete.

So I know this guy who does cocaine recreationally

I'm uptight about this. Am I just old and goody-two-shoes-y?

My impending nuptials= Ed Martin

9 days before...FML

she's keeping the car. I'm hoping she picks up the payments

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

soccer = NASCAR

people who don't like it think it's boring and weird, and people who do like it insist that the other people just don't appreciate it on a high enough level. Both sides of both sports are pretty annoying.

oh right - I forgot the giant chip on the shoulder.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

"Hurricane and Captain Serious" needs to be a buddy-cop movie.

He was a by-the-book detective whose icy glare was the envy of the boys at the 14th precinct. She was a book-tossing rookie with a penchant for streaking. Together, they took on a drug-running conspiracy that went straight to the top. At first they couldn't stand each other, but eventually they became the best of friends, and the greatest team on the force.

He taught her the value of preparation, and she taught him that sometimes, you just gotta WOOK BUH.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

So, a really bright guy who claims to be an Illuminati...

is trying to recruit me. He's talking about metaphysics and other such things.

He's a guy I met through an online game on the PS3. Super nice guy. But now I am thinking it's best to avoid this dude.

Illuminati? GTFO.