Quick little story to brighten your Friday

So I was driving back from my house closing yesterday in Champaign to my hometown which is about an hour away.

I was cruising along through the country at a pretty good clip when I see a horse buggy up in front of me cruising along. I naturally slow down and see that there are no oncoming cars, so I pass the woman and her horse in the other lane at approximately 35 MPH.

I look in my rear view mirror after I pass and notice that the lady is violently flipping me off. For some reason, I slam on the breaks, put it in reverse, and back up into about 50 feet of her.

I get out and ask her why she flipped me off. She hops off of her buggy thingy, and starts cursing me out calling me a "stupid mothereffer" and that I flew around her and I'm supposed to slow down, and didn't I see the slow sign on her buggy?

I ask her calmly, how fast is flying around her? Is 35 MPH ok? Does she have a radar gun on that thing? How fast do the cars go by her the other way? Faster than 35 MPH?

This only infuriates her more, and she starts cussing even more. I let her go on and on, just laughing. Then something pops in my head. It's Himey and CUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT.

So I scream it in a hilarious voice at her, and she goes apeshit. I start laughing at her uncontrollably. I hop back in my truck and drive off laughing.

Cool story bro.

Agggghhhh... just got this email from someone at work.

"Are you dating someone and/or committed, if not, are you open to a blind date, I know of someone that is interested and am playing somewhat of a match maker. Just asking, tell me to butt out if you want to, I will understand but take this as a compliment also."

I know who the chick is and she is probably 220 lbs. I try to be nice to her at work... but seriously... Does she really think she has a chance?

Agggghhhh. 

fine...this is valid....and while im still on vacation and have a few toilet minutes let me tell you

a story

a few weeks ago i met one of my best friends boss...he is a warehouse manager...we met for beers and i cant remember if he had more teeth or hair...yet we had a couple laughs and in about 20 minutes and after him showing genuine interest in where i live i learned that one of my neighbors had a handicapped son and this guy helped install a ramp in their home....free of charge...they supplied the wood and he did the project...even took a vacation day as the job was bigger than expected...we decided on a venue change and had to swing by his place for a beer while he let out his dogs....i popped in with him and learned he is a foster home...something he learned from the stepdaughter he took cared for when she had to leave her dog when she joined the armed forces...i saw the one larger black lab never left his hip....he was blind and the one dog he chose to adopt and he is that dogs world

these are just a couple stories i learned about this dude in a couple of hours on a weekday

these are the people he feels he is superior to

when the initial comment was made by him i waited for a retract.....ive never piled on but i have questioned him on many occaision...i know he likes or maybe needs to speak in hyperbole or just likes to make outlandish statements....but he stuck to this one

asked a handful of times he stuck to it....even later dropping some kind of clarification about just having a degree from the u of i automatically puts people like 25% better than the population....prolly not and exact quote but close enough

aside from the fact that living in champaign i can say with 100% certainty that there are so so many folks with a dgree from here are just horrible people....the automatic judgement and belief of being superior to so many fantastic people sight unseen is disgusting to me

now when i log off this board i carry on with my life.....but this stuck with me

wtf

during the time of asking follow up questions through the years....i know nothing of substance of the man

sure i know that he is a chameleon....move to sf be all the things sf....move to seattle becomes all the things seattle....watch the olypimcs...become all the things curling....catch a soccer match and become all the things sounders....catch kyfall and now daniel craig is his style idol...etc

i cant recall anecdotes or childhood stories or really anything shared of substance through the years...

he is yelp....he is internet comments....i see spikeball...i play spikeball....i see finally 100 people wearing a skinnier tie...i wear a skinnier tie

i cant wrap my brain around it....but its an odd combo of self loathing and self absorbtion....but overall just empty

but i dont hate the guy i dont really like the guy i dont feel sadness i dont feel pity....i dont "feel" anything....and thats what my issue is

so congrats.  comments like "after being a bachelor for 48 hours im bored to tears" and you views on marriage and cohabing being basically roommates finally make sense to me

so i wont ask follow up questions....ill even stop with a jabs but you wanted an answer and you now have it

So in high school we had a group of band nerds that'd hang out

One of the underclassman always looked up to me and this other guy. At the end of the hoops year we were playing against rival Boylan. And the thought always was our cheerleaders were better and their's were dogs. So this guy Mike we convinced to get dog bones that we'd slide at teh cheerleaders when they came out. Now here's where things really get off the rails. We didn't get there early so we sat in the nose bleeds. And then Mike shows us what he brought, he got like a huge 2 foot rawhide. So anyhow as the game was winding down he hasn't pulled this prank yet. I look at him and say "if you don't do it now, you'll have that bone and look at it every day for the rest of your life and think 'I was such a loser'". Well next thing i know Mike whips out this bone and launches it. It bounces off the floor and hits someone in the stands square in the chest. We take off, they pull out the wrong suspect. The following week Mike confessed.

Morning after pill etiquette

Do you have to hang out with a chick both nights of the Hormone roller coaster?

Is one night good enough to limit the bad karma?

Hung out 3 times. Slept together all 3 of them.

Wow....

The ish is full of pussies.... Really do you warp your kids in a damn bubble? Do you let them play outside? I saw that some would let them play pick up foot ball or kill the man, but organized football was out. Really? I can tell you from personal experience I had more injuries playing football in the back yard. I feel so out of place on this board....

so I taped the following note to my neighbors door quite early this morning:

April 7, 2012
About 1 am.

Dear Neighbors,

Since you didn't answer the door that you were obviously whispering to each other behind I guess I’ll have to resort to a stupid passive-aggressive letter to try and get my point across.

In short, I’ve been woken up a couple dozen times in the last few months by you guys. I have no idea what you’re fighting about, although I’m pretty sure I’ve been awoken to the phrase “acting like a child” at least a couple times. The good news for you is that evidently it takes being woken up several times in a single night, and what sounded like you hammering on my damn wall, for me to feel compelled to knock on your door.

Still, maybe you guys could try and pump the breaks on the fights a bit, eh? If you could reduce them by, about 50%... or at least cut out the tossing of things across your apartment and slamming into the wall, that would be awesome.

I realize you two probably enjoy fighting way too much stop altogether, but maybe consider, in the future, one or all of the following:

- Scheduling your multi-times-per-week arguments for daylight hours. If it’s 2PM in the afternoon you can blast Metallica, shout at each other at the top of your lungs, and bang on pots and pans for all I care. Maybe you can actually do this just in an attempt to piss off your totally unreasonable douchebag of a next door neighbor who doesn’t like his common bedroom wall being pounded on at midnight… maybe as a result you’ll bond and fight each other less? fine by me.
- Going outside to fight, the weather is actually quite nice now, and in a few weeks there will be a nice fountain next to the Tree of Five Seasons you can shout at each other next to.
- Learning Sign Language.
- Channeling your anger into one of the many visual arts.

I’m sure you can think of more. At any rate, I would really appreciate it if there could be some solution that allows you to do whatever the hell you want, and allows me a few more nights when I’m not jolted awake by your domestic issues.

(The guy you don’t know and now probably don’t like in Apartment 2008)

Ran into the local jr high bicycle gang

Went on my 10 mile ride tonight. To hit the bicycle trail, I always go through the local housing(They drive nicer cars thn I do). Coming back a group of young kids on bicycles headed straight for me. They hollared "Chicken!" I rang my bell and went straight through them. They scattered. Effin little white trash. They cursed and hollared. It was glorious.

So last night, i wasn't feeling good and was tired and irritated.

And mrs was feeling the same way, and we were sniping at each other, and then she made a crack (I'm not sure I even remember the specifics of what it was - I know it had to do with a drain in the basement or garage) and I got mad and threw the remote at the couch across the room.

I aimed at the cushions. But I missed and hit the wood part.

Kabloooie!

It's been a long time since i've really lost my temper like that.

when i was in junior high

someone took an extra wide marks-a-lot and wrote "dawn grainger has hairy armpits" on one of the bleachers in the gym. it had apparently been there for several years before i arrived as ms. grainger had long since left the hallowed halls of our fine institution.

several years later, during my high school years, i was at a party. my sister was back from college and she was there, too. my sister was standing there talking to a dark-haired lass i had never seen before. i went up to say hello. it went a little something like this:

me: hey
sister: hey. *turns to brunette*. this is my brother. *turns to me* this is dawn.
brunette: hey. what year are you?
me: junior.
brunette: oh, you probably know my brother mark.
me: mark...
brunette: grainger.
me: oh, sure, mark grainger.

let me stop for a moment to talk about what a wonderful thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.

me: so you're dawn....dawn grainger...

let me stop for a moment to talk about what a terrible thing the human brain is. it's capable of storing and processing massive amounts of information.

me: dawn grainger has hairy armpits?
brunette: #### you. *turns and leaves*

poor dawn. that little piece of graffiti had probably tormented her most of her adolescent life. she had finally graduated and left town for college. she was once again just "dawn grainger" and no longer "dawn grainger has hairy armpits". here i was reminding her that her and her hairy armpits would forever be burned into the brain of every person that passed through that junior high.

poor, poor, dawn.

(while this story is true, the names have been changed to protect the hairy)

im.a hard core conservative

Proud as hell to of grown up in a county that votes about 95% republican

or course you would think that, thank god .homoism is a choice you failed to make correctly
Of course based on the pictures I've seen its no surprrise you are a lesbian no normal man would get within 100ft of loving you

i have moved out and despite a 20% paycut im still probably making more tuan you
Thankfully I'm confident enough in myself. that I don't have to resort to homosexuality as my only hope of love

ive said what i needed to say

I like the word retard.

Not because I want to call people with learning disabilities it, but because I think it's a great insult to someone that's doing something really dumb. It just emphasis's the level of the idiocy. It is so much better than idiot.

I wouldn't be offended if you called me a retard. I'd be insulted, but not offended.

Any beer that needs a lime to make it drinkable is pi$$ poor beer.

They should stick to what they do well. Burritos, landscaping, roof repair.

I did something I'm not particularly proud of last night, but it sure felt good.

Loose puck in front of their goalie. I poke at it several times to try and score a goal. Whistle blows and I stop. Goalie felt I stopped too late and went after me with gloves and stick up at my face. I defended myself by pulling him down and with our gloves and helmets off I wailed on the goalie's face with my fist about a half dozen times.

In the whole scrum I don't remember much other than my hits but think there were quite a bit of the goalie's teammates coming to his failed rescue and as a result I got a 3" long x 1/2" wide Gorby-like bruise on my forehead. Never felt anyone hitting me nor exactly know how I got that bruise but it sure was fun.

The not-so-proud part was that the wife and kids were at the game and they were visibly shaken by the incident thinking I was at the bottom of the pile (I wasn't) and getting mauled. Plus, it didn't help when #14 (not the goalie) was tossed shortly after I left the ice and wanted to get to my locker room and kill me.

Kids are still talking about it this morning. I tried to tell them last night that what I did was a bad thing although I was defending myself but I think I need to do something else to get them over it. Maybe Sea World / Aquatica next Sunday since I'll be suspended that game.

6 punches, though. Felt good. Don't eff with me.

We'll just chalk it up to cultural differences

and the fact that, culturally, you suck. I don't take message boards, this one in particular, the least bit seriously. That said, I've wished you were in b###hslappin' distance on more than one occasion.

You are one goddam dumbass MFer.

Do you realize that? You have to be one of the dumbest people I have ever come across in my near 34 years. Sorry for the vitriol, but if you weren't such an @sshole I wouldn't use it. Dumb is probably the wrong word. Ignorant. You are one ignorant ass MFer.

What you need more so than a lawyer is a swift kick in the ass.....

or ten. Get your sh*t together, stop f-ing around with your life. Are you already forgetting your first wake up call? You already got kicked out one school, if you continue down this path it will happen again at parkland. If that happens what are you going to do? No employer outside of manual labor or fast food is going to hire you.

If you get your act together now, get good grades at parkland, get into UofI or some other solid school then four years from now some employer is going to look at your transcripts and realize you overcame a few back decisions and overlook them. You make a pattern of bad decisions and you'll never stand a chance at getting hired.

Listen kid, I'm not trying to be a prick here, but I see you making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. My first 2 semesters at UofI I just skated by and partied so much my third semester that I had to withdraw from all of my classes. Luckily I never had to leave the Uni, but it took me the next 5 semesters to pull my gpa out of the gutter just to get to a 3.2. Because of that I missed out on some great jobs that I really wanted and made me settle for sub par jobs. It took going to grad school and getting straight A's to get the type of job I wanted at a competitive place to work.

It may seem to you now that you'll have plenty of time now to buckle down and turn your life around, but trust me, the decisions you are making now are going to take a lot longer to overcome than you may think. Sit down TODAY, and think about what you really want to do in the future and make the changes necessary to get there. Otherwise you are going to let your bad decisions dictate your future.

the worst is the kid that won't stop yelling

but is old enough to be told to STFU and understand what it means. that gets you dirty looks from me.

i get the message across to let the parents know that i was pissed off

i shouldn't have to be disturbed by your f*cking kid. having a kid doesn't give you the right to bother people and no i don't have to deal with it.

billinguality is pretty overrated, IMO

no offense, but very few higher earning jobs require one to speak Spanish.

human services jobs are worthwhile and rewarding, but I'd want better for my kids.

let's attribute it to cultural differences. For Russians, earning ability is much more important factor in viewing one's career as "successful" than intangible factors like job satisfaction and helping others.

Very few guys care about the last 10% between a ''rockin bod'' and the level of perfection of Adriana Lima

I've dated a couple of girls who had essentially that body type. Believe me, I didn't care a bit that they didn't have quite the muscle tone that she does.