so I taped the following note to my neighbors door quite early this morning:

April 7, 2012
About 1 am.

Dear Neighbors,

Since you didn't answer the door that you were obviously whispering to each other behind I guess I’ll have to resort to a stupid passive-aggressive letter to try and get my point across.

In short, I’ve been woken up a couple dozen times in the last few months by you guys. I have no idea what you’re fighting about, although I’m pretty sure I’ve been awoken to the phrase “acting like a child” at least a couple times. The good news for you is that evidently it takes being woken up several times in a single night, and what sounded like you hammering on my damn wall, for me to feel compelled to knock on your door.

Still, maybe you guys could try and pump the breaks on the fights a bit, eh? If you could reduce them by, about 50%... or at least cut out the tossing of things across your apartment and slamming into the wall, that would be awesome.

I realize you two probably enjoy fighting way too much stop altogether, but maybe consider, in the future, one or all of the following:

- Scheduling your multi-times-per-week arguments for daylight hours. If it’s 2PM in the afternoon you can blast Metallica, shout at each other at the top of your lungs, and bang on pots and pans for all I care. Maybe you can actually do this just in an attempt to piss off your totally unreasonable douchebag of a next door neighbor who doesn’t like his common bedroom wall being pounded on at midnight… maybe as a result you’ll bond and fight each other less? fine by me.
- Going outside to fight, the weather is actually quite nice now, and in a few weeks there will be a nice fountain next to the Tree of Five Seasons you can shout at each other next to.
- Learning Sign Language.
- Channeling your anger into one of the many visual arts.

I’m sure you can think of more. At any rate, I would really appreciate it if there could be some solution that allows you to do whatever the hell you want, and allows me a few more nights when I’m not jolted awake by your domestic issues.

(The guy you don’t know and now probably don’t like in Apartment 2008)