Dear Vacuous Whore Who Won't Shut Up:

There are plenty of pretty, young Christian girls who actually live out the values that you claim to espouse. They live the ordinary lives that the vast majority of teenagers do, full of school and activities and family. They don’t enter beauty pageants, whether it’s because they’re not dumb enough to take absurdity as reality or because they’re too busy doing worthwhile things like serving others through church and community organizations. They respect themselves enough to think their sexual health is worth protecting, so they don’t sex (or sext) their boyfriends.

By the way, none of them would claim to be perfect, either.

But you, you’re being singled out because of the “beliefs” you claim to share with these girls? No, you’re being singled out because you’re an entitled, hypocritical Hot Girl who won’t shut the #### up already. No one wants to hear a Hot Girl talk, especially a Hot Girl who works so hard to present herself as a Hot Girl. If you’re hot and you’re a girl and you want to talk, you’d better have something interesting to say. Otherwise, shut up and get naked. That’s what Hot Girls are for.

Trouble is, you don’t have anything interesting to say. You only want to talk about yourself. About how unfair it is that you didn’t win the Ultimate Hot Girl Challenge, all because you courageously expressed a political opinion held by the majority of U.S. voters. About how the mean ol’ media* won’t let your pontificating go unchallenged when your own actions undermine the authenticity of your expressed values. About how you’re being “punished for exercising your right to free speech,” apparently because you expect the unique privilege of saying whatever dumbass things you want without suffering the indignity of being called a dumbass.

The fact that you have nothing interesting to say has little to do with your being a Hot Girl. True, as a Hot Girl, you have the deficit of being assumed to be stupid, yet it’s entirely possible to be physically beautiful but intelligent and respected (think Audrey Hepburn—and think about what set her apart from you). And it has little to do with your beliefs. Plenty of people who share your political and religious views are able to function normally in day-to-day life without throwing a hissy fit every time someone disagrees with them.

It has everything to do with your apparent obsession with controlling what people think of you, and your blindness to your own words and actions in creating their perceptions. You are young, beautiful, wealthy, and famous, and you really don’t understand why people can’t take you seriously as a martyr?

No, you don’t, so now you’ve rendered your extended tantrum in hardback form. And because the publishing industry is rotten with people who are even more self-serving and oportunistic than you, naturally you were able to find someone who was only too happy to profit from your obtuseness.

So, congrats on that. No, really: plaudits. You’ll be gettin’ paid, and it’s the American Way.

And although I do not object to your enriching yourself in this way (well, I do object for abstract reasons that I can’t blame you for), I do object to your conscripting Jesus into your one-beauty-queen crusade. So as long as you plan to show a watching world that Jesus died for our right to get boob jobs and say dumb shit without people being mean to us about it, people like me will be here to urge you to reconsider your…well, your everything.

I know, I know. I probably should remove the log from my eye before trying to get the speck out of yours. But I’m not perfect either.

* Also colloquially known as the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Wait—what was that about mockery being reserved for conservative women…?