Saturday, September 7, 2013

My daily confession: Ever since my neck surgery I'm supposed to walk at least once a day.

So I was doing the around the neighborhood walk tonight when the sudden urge to float an air biscuit hit me. Now normally, I evaluate these carefully when in public, however given that I have been on vicodin non-stop for over a month, (p.s. not looking forward to withdrawal) I figured risk was minimal. Hell taking a crap these days is somewhat of an event to be celebrated.

So I'm at about the halfway point, no shortcuts, and decide to break this muhfudda off when to my horror, I discover it is not just a fart. No, it is the dreaded shart and I am over 1/2 mile from home. And to make things worse, it was a Category 2 shart. For those of you not familiar with the categories of sharting it is too much to get into at this point, but suffice it to say that you would grab your car keys and go home. Containment was breached; not Chernobyl level but more like Fukushima if that helps.

My friends, walking 1/2 mile through your neighborhood with a Category 2 containment breach, hoping against hope that none of the neighbors are in the yard and want to stop and say hello is a hellish experience, even for those of us who are used to crapping themselves (and some may say savor the experience in retrospect). Now, I'm sure you all will be happy to know that I made it home without incident, informed the spousal unit of the mishap and was given a grocery bag to dispose of the now contaminated garments. It is times like this that I am happy I installed a bidet, I must note.

Just thought you might like to know. Also, during this walk I was pondering why I hadn't drawn my 401k out and bet it on Cincy -7.5; some of the more degenerate of you may wish to take this as a sign.

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