was sitting around with a bunch of my daughters and son-in-laws friends.

Someone asked me why I was being so nice to my wife the last week or so.

My response:
BJs

It cleared the room

ADVICE NEEDED

I'm just a little bit drinky and I may have made a mistake tonight, and i need your expertise...

how do i get rid of hickeys... fast! cuz i have three and i need them gone quck. this isn't a LAM because the more people that see them the worse shape im in. thanks in advance.

If there's one thing I can always count on here......

It's that some (undoubtedly white) douchebag will respond to a remarkable story about a heroic black child by denigrating her/her family.

Unbelievable.

I can't even begin to express how angry your post makes me. You truly are a piece of shit.

eff you DIA

email i just send to the DIA (semi-long):

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you to let you know about some issues that I have had during my recent Illinois Athletic experiences. First, let me give you a little bit of background.

I am a lifelong Illini fan, grew up in central Illinois cheering for the Illini. I didn't get to go to games when I was little, as that was all well out of our family's budget. However, as an adult, I have tried to attend at least a few events every year, in spite of continued budget constraints. This year, I managed to find the money to get 2 season tickets to football (let me state before my complaint: the lowering of the prices was a great idea and gave people like me an opportunity to truly enjoy the Illinois Renaissance. I know that the people in Loyalty Circle are much more important to the continued existence of Illinois Athletics, so maybe you will just "tune me out" now, since I have admitted that my financial contribution to the Athletic Department is minimal.

However, I would hope that you at least give some thought to the "little guy", because we are also pretty important. The thousands of fans like me that get to see one game a year or so, we are the ones that fill those seats on cold winter nights when no one else cares to go. I love going to one basketball game a year and it is usually a wonderful time for me. Because of the student break and the non-conference "lesser" foe, I generally can manage to get tickets to a game around my birthday (which was yesterday, Dec. 17th) and it is usually my most anticipated activity.

Last night was no different than usual; I was enjoying myself and cheering for our team. Until halftime that is, when I went to get some dinner. I had been running around all day and hadn't eaten, so I was pretty hungry by halftime. My friend and I got in line as soon as the first half was over. By the time we got to the front, they had run out of the 'dinner' foods. I was pretty upset, as there was 3 minutes left in the halftime and I didn't wish to stand in another line and miss part of the second half. The 8h graders running the concession, though, were completely unphased by the fact that they were unable to assist their customers who had stood in line for about 15 minutes for a crappy hot dog! By the way, this the second time in as many events in Champaign that this has happened (the northwestern football game being the other one--in that halftime I stood in two separate lines for over 15 minutes only to be told they were out of food).

Maybe its time for the DIA to acknowledge that the "8th grade class trip" might not be the people who should be running any operations for a major conference, Division I school. If that is too much to ask, can you at least request that the 14 year olds pretend like they care when they are unable to serve your paying customers? Or better yet, can you just have one of them go to the stand two feet down the concourse and pick up a few of their hot dogs?

Dear library dbag,

Good work on taking about half the books on my paper topic off the shelves, looking through them, and then deciding to put them in a different place than than the place you originally found them. One would think a library at a university located in New Orleans would have an extensive collection on Huey Long, but you've done well to cut the collection nearly in half with your idiocy. Congratulations, you've single handedly put a huge dent in my 20 page paper, which I may now have to change because of your dumbassery. Not to mention making my university look foolish because they now have almost no sources on a man who dominated the city in the 30s. I hope you get gonorrhea.

Smooches

One time when I was in 6th or 7th grade

I was riding in the front seat of the station wagon next to my dad while my mom and sister slept in the back seat. Just outside Jefferson City, we passed a truck with 5 teenage girls sitting in the bed of the truck. As we slowly passed them in the fast lane, the girls screamed and waved at me. I waved back and they giggled, and I received a shot of frisson unknown to me since.

After we passed them, my dad reminded me that I was still wearing the plastic bib that my mom made me wear to eat in the car. I ripped it off and didn't say another word the rest of the drive. Upon reaching our destination, I made my sister sit in the front seat with the bib on ("Don't ask why - just do it real quick") while I stood on my aunts trunk to see if you could see the bib from the angle the truck girls had seen. You could.

I moved out of my apartment in Chicago the summer before I moved here

I spent that summer in the burbs at a buddy's house.

I waited until the last minute to move out of my old apartment. My lease was ending at midnight and I had to be completely moved out or I would be fined. I had moved the majority of my stuff to my parents' house over the previous few weeks and just had to drop off my clothes at my buddy's place.

Since I barely had anything, I decided to just rent a minivan and would go to visit my girlfriend in Cleveland the following morning. I was going to return the minivan there and fly back to Chicago the following Sunday.

I packed everything up about 9PM and made a final walk though. I then realized that I had forgot about my mattress. The mattress was too big to fit into the minivan. I decided to go all mexican on it and tie it to the roof. I didn't tie it down well though.

I got on the interstate and the minivan started getting airborne as the wind went under the mattress. I pulled over and retied it and got back on the interstate. The minivan almost went airborne.

So I called my buddy and asked him if any regular streets go all the way out to Naperville. He suggested Roosevelt road.

I drove down roosevelt road at like 20 miles per hour... then the mattress started flying all over when i was driving through the projects at 11 PM.

I decided that I needed to get rid of the mattress... so I pulled under a bridge and started cutting off the rope with a knife.

A guy on a bicycle came out from under the bridge and started eyeballing me. He was drinking a 40 at the time. He was riding his bike back and forth pass me. I thought he was going to kill me.

I cut the last rope and pushed the mattress off the roof and floored the minivan leaving tire marks on my way out.

Looking back, the guy that came out from under the bridge was homeless. He was eyeballing my mattress and not me. He must have thought it was his lucky day... but I thought I was going to die.

Gonna drink some whiskey and clean the bathroom

One is to relax, one is to feel in control. Not sure which is which, though.

an adfession of mine.

I sometimes put Windex on pimples.

LAM!!!!!!

I am a know-it-all-never-wrong-big mean attorney-who drives an audi and posts my new house construction plans on the Internet.......

LAM!

LAM!

LAM!

So last night as we are eating supper, our 8 yo asks his mother

"Did you really sit on Dad's shoulders while you were at a concert?" mrs didn't hear him, b/c she was walking away from us toward the stove, so he asked again. mrs kind of chuckled and said, "yes, i did. but i was 20 pounds lighter then."

I immediately piped up, just a bit incredulously "20 pounds???" She spun on that heel and fixed me with a glare that would frighten a monster. Before she could complete the spin, i started, "no no no - what i mean is i can't believe you have even put on 20 pounds since then. i couldn't tell at all!"

She didn't buy it.

This time, however, the story does not end with me in the doghouse.

Shortly after mrs sat down to eat more food, she noticed a lady bug on my plate. Real sassy-like, she asked me, "you going to eat that?" I reached down and let it crawl on my finger. My first thought was to stick it in her face and say, "no, you eat it."

Instead, i popped that ladybug thing in my mouth. You should've heard it crunch! I ate that thing right down. mrs's eyes went and her jaw hit the floor as she screamed.

My 8 yo and i just

I didn't hear anymore about my earlier crack, tho.

Dead or sleeping?

my guess was that car came home late and still had some warmth on the hood from the engine. It was cool over night, but I find it strange to still be sleeping at 9 AM this morning out in the open with cars coming and going. If it's dead, though, I also don't know why a dead raccoon was randomly on some car.

Got my first massage on Friday

It was also my last. It stressed me out more than relaxed me. I'm a pretty jumpy person and I don't really like being touched like that. I went into it hoping it might help some of the aches in my muscles I have had from running and stuff. I don't feel like I got any benefit from the massage whatsoever and the next day, my shoulders and back were sore. She told me to relax several times.

I can't pronounce the word beer. It comes out sounding like bear.

I cant say words with a ng in the middle of them
Tip cows
say the word "bagel" properly
Shoot rubber bands
Roll my "r's"
Take the day after Thanksgiving off without using a vacation day
Buy liquor on Sundays
blow bubbles
catch a snipe when i go snipe hunting
snort like a pig
or whistle.

Seizure in a tub.

If she had some laundry detergent with her... should could have washed a load of clothing on her way out.

one of my secretaries quit our firm to work at the local strip joint.

apparently she more than tippled her income. When we figured out where she was working (she wouldn't tell us when she left) we organized a field trip to see her.

When she came on and saw the dozen of us lined around the stage, she refused to dance. One of the bouncers asked us to move back, so we did.
she is/was OK looking

after she danced, she came out to talk to us. I guess if she was that self conscious, she shouldn't be taking her clothes off in a public place

it was the day before her bday

and we were having a party at our apt. the next day. i lied to her and told her i had to go help out my best friend because she was having girlfriend troubles (her gf at the time was psycho). in reality, it was a set-up, i went and gave a key to my bf and some other stuff to set up in the apt. I went back and told that my bf said she would come finish the cleaning (she was a cleaning person at the time so it made sense) and we should go to the movies. so i took her to see monsoon wedding.

when we got back, there were rose petals and candles and such all over the apt. i put on a cd that she had made me of 'our songs'. we danced all the way through the whole cd, until we got back to the first song, which was "our song" when we started dating. by this point, it was past midnight so it was officially her bday, so i told her i was going into the bedroom to get her present. i went and got the ring and came back out and asked her. the rest, as they say...

Currently wearing one brown shoe and one cordovan shoe

I wore the black shoes out Friday night and the cordovan shoes to work on Friday. I forgot to put them away, so they were all sort of sitting next to each other next to the dresser.

that's what my 13 y.o. went as for Halloween last night

very short Daisy Duke's and all. Daddy was not pleased.

A former co-worker of mine partied with Chris Farley...

She was the office manager and went to lunch at Heaven on Seven on Rush as I recall. She and a friend ran into Farley and his entourage there. Were invited out and hit numerous bars until late in the evening, blowing off the afternoon of work.

Next day she comes in looking severely hung over and we were wondering what happened to her. She then tells me and another guy this story. We make the offhand comment that Farley was going to drink himself into an early grave if he kept it up.

Not an hour later, the first reports of his body being found came over the radio.

Freaked the carp out of us. We told the office manager, and she thought we were joking until we made her listen to the news herself.

A few years ago, my friends met Bob Saget at a bar on Rush Street. He was alone. And piss-wasted. They took him back to my friend's apartment and got him high. That is all.

Time to retire to the couch

We have to drive into Peoria everyday this week. The guy we are working for is a Peoria police officer. His girlfriend tried to sneak out the door before we got there. We grew up with his family. He brought a Greyhound-Shepard mix dog home that had been abused. I feel sorry for Heidi the dog, because she is scared of people. A few raw hotdogs might change her attitude tomorrow. Later

Mrs and I watched the Illini win again.

We have won all games we watched at home. A bunch of skinny little girls were joining the mug club at the Illini Inn. I think the new keg of beer gave me a belly ache before the game at the Inn. I think the fish sandwiches are getting smaller at Legends. A great day for Illini football. There was a Ball State lady near us that cheered a lot. Mrs said her top was too tight and you could see her sboob.

Why do women have to suck all the time?

I'm at a party last night and I go with a girl that I have interest in and I think she likes me as well so here's how the night goes. We get to talking and we really connected and we started talking a little bit about a relationship and she says yeah, she wants to date. However, she says I have to talk to her tomorrow (today) because I was drinky (which I wasn't) and she didn't trust my judgement at the time. I told her time and time again that I wasn't drunk (she drove, so no drinking for her either) and that was the way I really felt (which is true). But I said whatever... So I text her today, asking if she wants to go to dinner tonight, and she texts back an hour later saying... "I don't think that's a good idea" kcuf kcuf kcuf kcuf, I hate women... what do I do?

i remember one halloween weekend where...

i pissed all over this dudes bedroom during his halloween party... cause he cheated on my friend.

just thought about that. he didn't know til the morning.

i went as tigger that year.

man i miss those days.

So I go months without a single cute girls in class

I have not one but THREE in my current class all sitting in the front row. : drool Abby in particular is just killing me. Abby's one of those names that ups my opinion of a chick's attractiveness. It's also one of those names That makes me think of tasty curly fries and roast beef sandwiches.

I think I'm going to be drunk for a few days

I'm more worn out than hungover though. I can definitely tell that I was drinking last night though.

WINGFEST UPDATE!!!!1!

ISDH is at in chicago the illinois lead with little time to close go. but i'm paignful is at closing in chicago fast. it'sgonna be close

During seven weeks of basic training...

I pooped only twice.

And I never once got a boner.

Is it safe to say that they tampered with our food?

i did a girl named ryan just so i could say my own name

i think she spelled it with an i though

i really didnt know her that well

i saw her recently over xmas though

ive also thought about having teh sex with a deaf girl so i could just spout off the most repugnant horrible diirty things mid coitus

but meeting a girl named ryan on accident is ONE thing

seeking out a deaf girl puts me in a different category

done gone a bit crazy this weekend:

i was surprised at how little it hurt. discomforting, yes but overall pretty tolerable. the tattoo itself is fairly decent sized, but not so large it won't be hidden by a shirt sleeve, and it's located far enough back you can't see it looking at me from the front.

OH MY GOD

Mrs bought new wheat-based organic kitty litter for Winter the Cat...I just poured it in the morning for the first time.

I just got a call from Mrs...apparently the litter was full of grubs or slugs that are now crawling all over the litter box and surrounding areas.

I've been requested to leave work to deal with it
Today is the cleaning lady day too, and apparently Mrs and Agnes the cleaning lady are both standing on chairs hugging each other or something. I guess the mean streets of Gdansk can't prepare you for a slug infestation.

she's in her car on her way here. apparently the slugs are fast and are already spreading to the kitchen.

The creeping menace has been contained. The perps were approximate one half inch long, white or cream colored, with a brown spot at one end that may or may not have been a head. I would estimate that the bag of litter contained approximately 300 of them.

Their rate of speed was astonishing...for tiny thing with no legs, some of them managed almost 15 feet since 9:00 am this morning.

Cat is perturbed but will recover. Wife is what they call in psychology "skeeved" and has been in the shower since we got home. Agnes was given an extra $10 for apparently providing moral support in the face of the slug onslaught.

Another chance for me to show my pop culture ignorance:

Before the Illini game, I thought one of the songs blaring out of the speakers was really cool. Then, I heard it again, in the background on "Cane" last night. I have no idea what the song is, or who sings it, but I want to find out so I can download it.

It goes something like: "Dang diggy diggy dang diggy diggy dang diggy diggy dang"

Thanks,

seems sort of redundant, but if it floats their boat, who am I to say otherwise

they better not use me again or i'll sue

I got engaged.

I wanted to keep a balance between it being romantic and fun without being too cheesy.

So, we play tennis quite a bit and we got a chance to play yesterday and I wrote "Will you marry me?" on one of the balls and, after a while, threw the ball to her to serve. She is a blonde so she didn't even notice at first! She actually bounced it on the ground and was getting ready to serve it when I told her to look at the ball. While she was doing that, I pulled the ring out and hopped the net....tripped on the net and faceplanted

ring goes flying, crawling around on all fours looking for it while saying "ow ow ow"

When I was a little kid, I used to be scared of the band KISS

I totally thought Gene Simmons, Ace Freehly and the gang were going to come to my house in their costumes and face paint and do something bad to me. Or at least I thought that such an event was a distinct possibility.

I had yellow Kiss pajamas that I refused to wear
Gene Simmons scared me too much. I was 7.

man i love soul food...

whoever decided that spaghetti is a good side dish to fried chicken, may god bless your family!!!

you are truly

the biggest and dumbest bitch i have known

Dudes with deep voices spinoff...

I'm told Lynn is the best person to get to work on a task on my project. I talk to Lynn's boss and get Lynn assigned to my project. I call Lynn to introduce myself. I tell Lynn that I was told to get 'him' on my project as he was the best at a certain task. Lynn tells me that she is a she, not a he. (I felt bad.)

Yesterday, I find out that Lynn recently had a sex change operation and that 6 months ago Lynn was actually Leonard.

Still feel bad for the mistake, but at least my hearing was okay.

so, has anyone happened to see my blue pants?

they gawn. HOW DID I LOSE A PAIR OF PANTS!!!!

seriously.let.it.go.

why do you feel the need to run every little halfway funny thing into the ground and disect it until it its not only not funny anymore, it is stupid and annoying.

if you want to be funny, you have to come up with new angles on things, not take one mildly funny thing and keep talking about it endlessly

I had the cuffs slapped on one time.

A friend and I were coming home on a Sunday. A kid was smoking a Camaro and hit me. I am glad I was driving a van, He broadsided me. The local cop put cuffs on me after I failed the sobriety test. I had a concussion. Cuffs do hurt your feelings.

I pleaded guilty and the judge did a hesitation. They hustled me into court and changed my plea. It cost me 500 dollars and a bunch on insurance premiums. I passed the breath test at the police station. Always hire a lawyer before making a decision. The local judge owned rental property next to me. I talked to him about it. I think that helped!

i should finish hooking up tonight.

there could be serious worlds colliding.

About 6 months ago, our son was still breast feeding.

My wife and I were putting our kids to bed. We were explaining to my daughter that Dad had put her to bed and Mom would put our son to bed because "Mom has the boobs" and the baby needs to eat.

My daughter started joking that she wanted to "drink from Daddy's nipples," knowing full well that she couldn't do that. So we go upstairs to put the kids to bed. While my daughter is brushing her teeth in the bathroom, I'm standing next to her using the toliet. She looks over at me and says: "Hey dad, how 'bout I drink from your penis?"

I get my hair cut at Sport Clips.

Yeah, it's burby and all that, but my "haircut" is basically just a clip-job. The only reason I don't just do it myself is cause I don't want to clean up.

So anyway, I'm there last night and I see the Triple Play, which includes a cut and a "relaxing shampoo." I was tired of having to basically take a shower when I got home to get rid of all the hair detritus, so I decided to go for it; it was only another $3.

After the haircut is done, my "stylist" takes me back into the "Showers" and sits me down at a sink-chair. She then wets my hair and puts the shampoo in, then spends like 10 minutes massaging my head.

At this point I felt rather skeevy; I mean, this sort of thing is only a short escalator ride from "sensual massage." On the other hand, I didn't just want to be all like "Please stop touching my head; you're making me uncomfortable and just a little bonerrific." So I just sat there, feeling awkward and having pity on this poor gal who was rubbing some strange dude's head for tips.

The worst part is, there's even a level above the Triple Play that includes "relaxing neck & shoulder massage." When I told Ms. about it, she said they probably have yet another level (hidden from the casual customers) that includes a "full release."

Oh yeah, I got the hot towel, too. I was thankful cause it meant I had an excuse for my face to be red when she took it off. I'm sure it's harmless, but for somebody who's not used to it, it can feel kinda weird.

A bird pooped on my head on my way back from lunch

Awesome. I thought it was rain or spillage from a window washer
Not so much when I reached up to my head to touch it.

A bird pooped on my shoulder roughly 100 ft from the incident today roughly 2 years ago.

All right, so, God looks around and sees that pretty much everyone sucks,

all except this Noah dude. God figures, "Peh, I'm starting this thing over from scratch. You, Noah--you're the new Adam for the soggy postapocalyptic world. So, build this enormous boat thing to live in for a while. Oh, and while you're at it, can you get some animal-kingdom progenitors to hop aboard with you? Just two of each living thing, that's all. What? Dude, you're going to be surrounded by water, there will be places to put all the poop and pee. Nah, really, don't worry about the smells--I'll take care of all that. No, seriously!"

So Noah conscripts his family and gets to work on building a huge boat. I guess they didn't have much call for boats back then, or at least big ones, because his neighbors were all like, "You're nuts."

Pretty soon it starts raining, and Noah and his family and his wild kingdom board the ark. Or maybe they went in before the rain started, I've always been fuzzy on that detail.

It keeps raining and raining, to the point where all the land is covered. IOW, everything's dead except what's floating in the boat. Meanwhile, they're all getting REALLY sick of each other.

Eventually, it seems that the rain has stopped, so Noah sends a dove out a few times, and on one trip it comes back with an olive branch, which is assumed to signal that the water has gone down enough that at least one olive tree is visible. How it survived a catastrophic flood, I'm not sure. But we're talking about a whole bunch of animals and people living in a boat for a month, so I'm not gonna lose the forest for the trees here.

Then they get out and there's a rainbow.

The end!

i was once so drunk that i...

whizzed out of a car while it was heading south on 57.

puked on myself while driving

peed in the dishwasher and slept on the kitchen counter

threw up on myself and decided to sleep in the bathtub.

mattress slid all 27 flights in the watts

Tried to walk from Florence to Rome

chugged 15 cups of bambas hot sase

rode laps around a squad car on my bike telling him to look at the sky before hitting a sewer grate

branded myslef and 3 girls with red hot bottle caps

jumped a moving train freight train a rode it a block or two.

Stole a neighbor's door mat and used it to pretend I was Aladdin While singing "A Whole New World."

:(*

I seriously got a little choked up watching this:



amazing what kids and their computers can do.

...

Observations from a 6th grade back-to-school open house

1. Holy hell do parents flock to these things. It must be guilt, because most parents have to realize by now that there isn't much information disseminated that didn't already arrive in the form of a handbook. The looks on everyone's face was more "why are we here again?" than "fascinating - they'll be learning the scientific method!"

2. To the LAM lady in the back with her daughter on her lap: STFU. Seriously. The only reason you asked the book report question was so that you could announce "LAM - my daughter reads 400 page books". And please realize that having your 6th grade daughter sit on your lap whilst you hug her during a beginning-of-school open house did more social damage to her than if you had arrived naked. It might have been OK back in 2nd grade, but your daughter's white face should have told you that you are subjecting her to a year of "lap-sitter" jokes.

3. On behalf of all parents, my apologies to you, Miss 22 year-old first-year English teacher. You had to deal with LAM lady AND the woman taking notes and asking about the percentage breakdown between fiction and non-fiction book reports. The fact that she tried to bust you out on the total number of non-fiction in-class book reports required by the end of May ("But earlier you said...") just was an attempt to show everyone that she had taken notes at the beginning. Your "it's in the manual that you have in your hands" response was $$. Good work.

4. To the parent who busted out her daughter by asking the library question - bravo. You knew it last year when your daughter used the "I can't find the non-fiction books, and there isn't a librarian there when I'm there" excuse that it was full of holes. Choosing to use the open house to bust out your daughter was well done - lesson learned. When the teacher responded "we have not one but two full time librarians", you're daughter's face got whiter than the lap-sitter's.

5. To the "Shhhhh!!!" lady - seriously, give it a rest. We know it's a quick shot of adrenaline to get to sit in one of those tiny chairs again and get your shhhh on, but everyone resents you now even more than they did back in 1983. ShhhTFU.

*confession*

i liked this song a lot going into 7th grade when i was going to a new school. They had a dance to welcome the new students in the fall so i had to learn how to dance.

I then watched Club MTV repeatedly and copied the moves from there in order how to learn. I then went to said dance and when this song came on i was dancing like it was nobody's business. Years later i found out that everyone who i ended up becoming friends with made fun of me but they didn't know I was the one dancing like that. I never confessed to them it was me until i was 26 years old.

Some folks say that I'm egotistical

Hell, I don't even know what that means! I guess it has something to do with the way That I fill out my skin-tight blue jeans

the dog we are pet-sitting for killed a baby bunny this afternoon;

she tried to bring it inside. i had to pry it out of her mouth. it wasn't all the way dead yet, so i left it on the porch because i couldn't bring myself to throw it away while it was alive. so its sitting out on my deck dead now. i have to go throw it away. this is almost as bad as the day that i had to get our cat that got hit by a car out of the road and bury her.

i know. it was basically dead (taking about one breath every thirty seconds or so, not moving). but still, it was horrible and weak.

That dog is prolly covered in nasty fleas.

so my daughter has changed her myspace name to-

Yes we can be friends with benefits...

time to have a long talk with her.

I would bet that alot of people who really want to die, cannot kill

themselves because of fear.
I imagine that killing yourself takes a fair amount of courage. Some people have the courage to die when all hope is lost and others have the courage to live.

Uninteresting Recycled Phone Number Story

Moved apartments back in March. Our new home phone number was selected, after several options where presented. On occasion, we get calls from predominately Asian names on the Caller ID. The callers can't speak a lick of English and do not want to hang up after we say wrong number. Last night a person who spoke perfect English, asked for Restaurant X. I said they had the wrong number, they rattled off my home phone number and I said that was correct. They commented that the website must have the wrong number then. So today, I Googled the home phone number to find out that it is tatooed on several restaurant websites for Restaurant X. It appears to have moved locations, as most website's give a Lower East Side location as well, and the reviews on the restaurant located on the Upper West Side are dated in the late 90's. Like the subject says, not that interesting, just annoying.

hey mods...

how come woodaby gets to clown mech and my posts doing same get deleted?

I worked all the normal areas when I was in HS. Then,

when I was in college, I made biscuits (worked 4:30 to 9 or so). I was the Central Illinois Hardee's Biscuit Making Champ of 1985.

That's about the same time that my wife was promoted to supervisor and she has been my boss ever since.

OMG, what a storm. I tried to leave Arlington Heights in time

to beat it, but 53 was all jammed up because of construction and I got caught right in the middle of it. I later heard on the radio that two semis jacknifed on 53 just after I passed. I'd probably be sitting there still if I'd waited. The nice thing was that drivers on the Kennedy were pullng off to the side of the road, and because I'm not a giant yssup, I was able to drive right by.

City streets are a different story. Trees and light poles are down everywhere, lots of traffic signals out.

Oh, and to the douchebag driving the PT Cruiser that doesn't understand the concept of "traffic light out = 4-way stop," you deserved to get honked at. So I'm glad that paying paying attention to me while talking on your phone and flipping me off at the same time caused you to rear end the car in front of you. You stupid a$$clown.

My buddy asked me to watch his duck while he is out of town.

I agreed without thinking... but just realized that I have no idea how to take care of a duck.

***Now drinking***

Dear Ipod:

WHY did you have to play We've Got Tonight in the middle of my 4th mile tonight? You know I have to sing along to that at the top of my lungs, and that was going to make me out of breath for miles and five and six.

If you were a dude

Would you feel comfortable drinking a strawberry smoothie?

In a clear cup?

With a big thick pink straw?

so I was out with the dog and a guy rode by on his bike. The dog

started barking and the guy yells, Hey, shut your yttihs faced dogs mouth. I yelled some very un-Christian like things to him.

I quit my job today

yeah...got tired of it.... but won't worry...I found another job. I'll be working for Chippendales!!! They said I had the biggest hose they've ever seen!!!

Girls are confusing and contradictory

Quotes from exs this weekend Ex-g/f #1: "It's important that you know that I don't have feelings for you anymore." No more than 10 minutes later... "There's a part of me that still loves you just as much and in the same way as the day you left."

Ex-g/f #2 (the one I just recently went to see in NYC, and had supposedly moved on from me): "I know I said that we could be friends, but I don't think I can do it. Deep down, I know there's still feelings for you that have been kept quiet for awhile because you haven't been around. If you start coming around more, I think those feelings are going to come out in full force and I can't do that to myself."

OMFG!!!!

so... i met this girl at the gas station on sunday... WITH HER PARENTS!! Gave them directions to the dorms.

YOU DID NOT JUST FACEBOOK ME AND FRIEND REQUEST!!!!

I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU1111111111111111111111

she stalked me

i hate when people be froggin...

seriously. play your position.

so on my way to my hotel, i felt a little knock

at the back door.

and i thought "it can wait. " brimming with unfound confidence, i actually worked a brief stop at the local drug store to pick up a case of bottled water.

getting out of the car, the itinerary suddenly changed and i charlie chaplined it to the back of the store where the dreaded unisex solo bathroom came into view.

locked. i stood there for a minute, then two and then what seemed like a month and a half. and the pharmacist says "it's always locked. here's the key" and pointed to the key which was, i kid you not, chained to a large plastic fish bowl.

by now i'm touching cotton and can't open the effin' door. " Gotta loosen up a little on the key. it's kind of tricky" he says. beautiful. Finally, i get in, create havoc and then hear someone trying to get in.

why a friggin DRUG STORE bathroom wouldn't have a can of Glade on deck, i don't know. so in an obvious futile gesture, i just soaped my hands and started waving my hands in the air like freaking' Arthur Fiedler. just hoping the soap molecules would attach themselves to the poo molecules.

meanwhile, the door knob keeps jigglin. Finally, i brave the elements and walk out, fish bowl in hand, and just about collide into a stunning 20something blond who rushes past me ( obvio, no eye contact ) into the violated area.

i bee-lined right out of the store and drove 10 miles to pick up my water.

poor lass. i'm convinced she'll never have sex with a man again ( sorry, taz ) .

what a week i had....

on sunday i blew out my computer modem and i had no internet access untill today.

Monday, i hurt my back

Tuesday, i got fired

a couple of fuzzy days in between.

today, I got word that i still had my job ( it's nice to be in good with my superivisor and the owner of the company). I will admit that it looked good either way that i would get my job back as they were going to work some sort of deal with me in a meeting that i was supposed to have today. as it turned out, i never had the meeting even though i was there for it. The plant manager fired me on Tuesday and i was told today by my supervisor that he talked to the owner and she overruled the plant manager and i never lost my job to begin with.

When I was 5, I asked the St. Clair Square mall Santa for

a Baby-That-A-Way. It crawled. CRAWLED!

The big guy's response: "Little boys don't play with dolls."

Well, guess what was under the tree on Christmas morning, fat man!?!?

i don't understand why these women don't keep their clothes on.

Jessica Biel plans to shed her threads in the upcoming movie "Powder Blue" … she'll play a "stripper trying to earn money to raise her terminally ill son," and audiences will get an eyeful. Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt".

Stupid Deuce infecting my thoughts whilst shopping

While looking at a skirt: "Too short. Stupid pck!"

While looking at white pants: "Too white-pants-y. Stupid Bikeboy!"

While looking at a little black dress: "This is a perfect little black dress. AAAHHH, stupid pck!!!"

Tried my hand at the Wednesday AYCE wing special at Hooters last night

I got 25 down and woke up at 4 AM to make an emergency visit to the bathroom.
I made a second emergency visit to the bathroom at 7 AM too.

I have no desire to go back there any time soon. My tummy still isn't right.

Got a package from London today

I got a dog!

Well...survived day 1

got a parking place. Department head at the division I am in (Long Term Health Care) has a son in law or brother in law (forgot what she said) who owns a water purification business and has a lot in the back of his business that is hardly used. It has spaces for like 10 cars...so she called and asked if I could use one of the spots...he said of course.

Costs me $0

For those who know the area...it is right behind Fritz's Little Fryer.

I was using my purse

to block my obscene cleavage from view, as I recall.

I spent all day getting pwned by my pants zipper.

I realized at about 9am that my zipper slipped the track. After 3 unsuccesful repair tries, I decided to just retie the tie to cover the potentially slipped naughy bits.

To make matters worse, I was wearing the kind of boxers with no button on the fly today.

Seriously, I'm quitting

to those that I have (virtually) befriended, good luck with the rest of your life. Twerpjay knows how I can be reached if you need a wx forecast. Or, see you in fantasy (insert sport here).

the rights to 'thetimmer' name will be auctioned on ebay by the end of the day

I'm outta here, permanently.

This place is too effed up and clique-y (sp?) for me to continue thinking it's worth wasting my time.

Brumby, feel free to permanently ban my name.

Got a temp job with Dept of Public Health

525 W. Jefferson Springfield

start tomorrow.

8:30-5

1 hr lunch

$10.07/hr.

Only question...any idea of parking spaces in that area? They said that parking isn't provided.

The best part about working at home might be spending the day...

effing with Dog.

As soon as he starts snoring I'll sit upright in my chair quickly and growl as if I heard a strange noise.

He pops up with his ears all sideways or inside out and his eyes halfway rolled up in his head.

Then I say, "What the fuck was that?! Who's here?"

He takes off for the window growling and chuffing. Looks left. Looks right. Looks at me. I start laughing and he rests his chin on the windowsill and lets out a big sigh.

Trots back to his nap spot, looks at me disdainfully and heaves a disgusted sigh.

Snores. Repeat!

I tried to duck under a table and got stuck.

Eating at Monicals, I was in the middle of a bench seat with 3 people on either side of me and no one directly across. To avoid asking everyone to move so I could get out I tried sliding under the table. I then realized I've gotten much older and can't bend the way I used to. They had to move the table and help me up. Everyone in the place was chuckling at my misfortune. Now my back and hips hurt. I'm sure it was comical to see the doc on the floor, unable to move. All my pride has now left.

Yesterday, I bought my first vehicle to ever have a CD player.

A 6 CD changer no less. I wonder if I can somehow buy an adaptor to play my cassette tapes. :eh

So I just got a call with somebody whispering

"I'm gonna kill you"

I was just like what?

they wispered again "I'm gonna kill you"

My response "Oh no you are not"

yeah. I guess putting the number on the national Do Not Call list does nto work for people who threaten to kill you.

Awesome, an ex-girlfriend just sent me pictures of her wedding day

Nevermind the fact that I haven't spoken to her in about two years and I've never even met her husband.

What makes it even worse is that she looks incredible.



Pretty average photos...although I could do without the celebratory look and actions of the groom...

whatever i write on here...

at least i'm not an asshole who cares more about the bears than my kids.

at least i'm not an asshole who gives out my kids' contact info. to strangers on the internet.

at least i'm not an asshole who rips into a chick for doing something i gave her permission to do.

so i've got all that going for me.

Stupid pet tricks

One of the dogs (the one with the butt-nugget issues) likes to bark at me from time to time - it's a "pay attention to me/give me something" bark. When I've had enough, I tell him "GET IN THE SHOWER!", and he runs down into the basement, goes into the bathroom and steps into the shower. He then turns around, sticks his head out and wags his tail waiting for me to say "good boy!"

I'm not sure how or why that started, but it amuses me.

Top 5 jobs I could never do

5. Drive-through order-taker
4. Crab fisherman
3. Garbage collector
2. Coal miner
1. Actuary

when you hit 30 the mind starts to go

i have many nicknames for former dates

soft shell
becky michigan
prancy argyle

and so on......

tonight's deleted thread has been brought to you by...

yeah...so light, you deleted the thread, cowboy.

step 1: destroy the evidence.
step 2: declare victory.
step 3: go on 'america's got talent' and win america's heart doing lame covers.

ys, i've been following your career.

so let's lay this out....some mod unnecessarily locks two active bonds threads because there is a third (all of which are discussing different aspects of the historic event).

the mods are called out in a separate thread.

a mod jumps in and makes a general ass of himself (further establishing the initial postulate).

realizing this, either he or some other mod coming to the aid of the damsel-in-distress deletes -- not locks -- deletes the thread.

the erstwhile ass-mod comes back and actually brags about his performance in the now-deleted thread, no longer up for review and objective evaluation.

yeah, the mods definitely don't suck.

for a bunch of professed liberatarians, i haven't seen petty meddlers like you since i stopped covering the student government for the DI.

i shudder to think what we'd be treated to...on subjects you do give a shit about (did you forget that you told us that you didn't give a shit about this? remember, you are too cool to care).

and as if you don't make this place boring enough with your over-moderation, you had to subject us all to this piece of detritus from your subconscious?

thanks for that.

About 5 years ago, I was wasted and told a bartender to mix me a shot

asked for Rumplemintz, Jager, and grenadene. It tasted like crap. I guess that since I liked them all seperately... why not try them together. I was an idiot. I have never tried to be creative with my shots again.

Rumpleminz + Jager is the classic Dead Nazi..I used to make the house jew take them with me at all house functions. We actually had about 4-5 jews... but only one that had a sense of humor about it.

I don't know why I decided to add grenadene.

LOOK!

College Memories

One time I had run up about a $900 phone bill and, when I couldn't pay it, the phone company shut off our service. This understandably made my roommates angry, so off I went to try to set up a payment plan.

I remember going to the Super K on Prospect & Bradley because they had a place where I could set such a plan up. Once I did so and made a down payment, they told me I had to call customer service to get the service turned back on. Since I had no phone at home, I used the pay phone in the vestibule. I stood there for about four hours waiting on hold before I finally got everything squared away. Luckily I had long since stopped going to class, so I wasn't really missing anything.

GF at the time had convinced me to have a second line installed, which she and I proceeded to use to make calls to our intranets friends in FL and LA, respectively.

My parents NEVER had xes.

They found me under a gooseberry bush.

Really good fruit for jam. Look a little something like this:

so i get home last night after being on the road for three weeks

and the house guests that mrs a was entertaining for the last week -- with the out-of-control kids -- drank most of my good booze.

the bottles of monarch and aristocrat are still brimming.

the old raj is spent.

Why does a Minotaur need a sword?

That's a centaur

I just a call from the ex's b/f.

They fought. He wanted advice. And to know if she said anything to me.

I was trying not to laugh as he was dancing around... asking me what she said, etc.

Eff 'em both. She's a basket-case with more issues than National Geographic and he's dumber than a box of rocks. They deserve each other.

Springfield peeps: help!

I've tried googling this but can't find it.

I was still half asleep when I was called about an interview tomorrow. The address is 1999 Wabash Ave Suite 209 in Springfield.

Interview is tomorrow at 11 AM. If I could remember what the place is, I might remember what job I applied for since I have sent so many out lately

they woke me up in the middle of a sleep

I was still very drowsy. Had a very rough night last night and I'll leave it at that.

BTW I found out who it is according to the phone number on my phone....Horizontech

but at the time...I didn't know it was a job calling

it could have been family...someone could have an emergency...

The property we have been working on has a few ponds.

The guy taking care of the property put some chemicals in a pond to rid it of pond scum. It took care the of algae, but all the bass are floating to the top dead! This guy thought he was in line to get some of the property. The fish stinks and he does too. A big piece of property is not being taken care of.

The geese fly in everyday. I wonder what is going to eat the dead fish. Some potassium phosphate whatever was put in the pond. He mixed diesel fuel with weed killer and sprayed it on the grass growing in the driveway. He said it would stick better. The property is protected by the Dept of Conservation.

I generally don't find small babies cute...

...and I really want nothing to do with them until they're about 2 and start to develop a personality.

My mom says my grandfather was the same way. I was the only baby he ever held. He refused to hold others. I am the same way. Nieces, nephews, friends kids..get back to me in a couple years when they're fun.

i would hate working with you

you have a great way of being a total asshole for no reason just because someone tries to disagree with your point.

nothing to see here.

obviously people just do not understand my situation. It's easy to comment on something that has nothing to do with you, but if you were in the situation yourself, it might be a different story.

I'll take care of this. i think i should have kept my mouth shut about this on here.

just forget about it... my mistake
it wont happpen again. have a nice day.

you're right, i handled it wrong..... now, let it die please!

i was a little reluctant. I wasn't totally sure if i should do this and now thinking about it, i should never open up like that again. my mistake jackie, i'll make sure i wont do it again. i am feeling uncomfortable about this, i should never open up like this again. i dont know what i was thinking.

no, i just didn't know what to do..... I should have kept this to myself.

I thought it might be a good idea but.... not. I try to open up to people and i get more that i bargain for. I knew i should listened to my dad when he told me gives things to yourself and deal with it in your own way.

i am... i said lets forget about it... you guys are the ones piling on here.

i just felt uncomfortable as time went on about it... i usually dont open up like this thats why i want this to end now, but people wont let it go. Just delete or lock the thread and everything will go away. It's one of those things you regret bringing up. im kinda of a private person and i did something that i normally dont want to do.

I just regret saying something in the first place. I acted without thinking.

ok, i have a problem here...

This girl at work really likes and she has made it very clear many on occasions. She is a very good looking and everything. The thing is, she is married and has 3 kids. She is gettting more aggresive with her actions towards me. I know she is married and i would not dare to try something with her because of it. I have been trying to avoid her a little bit, but she gets very upset if i do something like this. What can i really do here? i dont really want to tell her the truth about the situation because i dont know how she is going to act if i tell her.

She is a nice person and i dont have a problem talking to her, but everytime i do, she gets more aggressive with her actions by putting her arms around me and saying things to me that she shouldn't.

she cant keep her hands off of me. i think it's pretty obvious. Should i just ignore her and really get her pissed or what? She seems a little fragile, so i dont want to do something that.

holy delayed hangover, batman

family left town yesterday for the weekend, leaving me to my own devices. rather than waiting until the weekend proper, decide to go out for dinner and drinks with the buddies last night. consumed a 16 oz. strip at gene and georgetti's among other things. four or five jamesons rocks, couple glasses of red, several beers later , it's 2:30 (i can barely make it past 10). throw flash taco steak burrito on top of said steak. bed at 3, up at 7 to work, was surprisingly functional. it kicked in at 5 pm. i can barely move. i want to puke. i'm wasting a perfectly good bachelor night lying around the house listening to merle haggard. ouch.

we found the dead body in the overturned car

We couldn't see the body from the side of the road. Dad really didn't think there was one in there but he thought we should look and asked me to climb down and see. When was able to look around the car, I could see a hand sticking out. He asked me to check for a pulse. I refused and took our truck down the road to the next house to call for an ambulance. He checked for a pulse while I was gone. there was none.

why does pooper = butt,

but rettihs = toilet?

stupid Valet Trash guy

Our condo complex has Valet Trash...you know lazy persons dream for trash handling! But the IDIOT who comes around to get it tore the bag that our trash was in.......from the bathroom.....so when I walk out the front door to come to work this morning I see personal bathroom artifacts strewn about and the trash all in the Valet Trash bin....grrrrrrrrrrrr

So...

TINA is, in fact, awesome.

*takes bow*

i feel bad for tellers sometimes...

i just handed a guy a check, that is probably 4 times what he makes in a month to deposit. he looked about 6 years older than me.

its gotta hurt your self esteem to see kids much younger than you, making so much more.

i hate to say this but...

i've seriously almost purposly hit people.

guy just walked right out in front of me,.. then stopped in the middle of the street to yell at his friend...

i was seriously thinking about bumping him.

I had to SLAM on the breaks

I was so pissed

maybe that would make him wake the eff up to his surroundings

i heart my gf...

who else would make you a 80's tape? a TAPE! she made it all oldschool with self drawn case art.

OMFG i could eat you right now!!!!

My neighbor asked me for pee

I had a neighbor, who asked me to pee in a cup for him because he had a drug test the next day. He was a pot smoker and truck driver. I didn't do it. He was a blast and had great cookouts.

Fritz needs a bath. He stinks. He loves the water, but somehow, when

it's associated with a tub and taking a bath, he's not too fond of it. He behaves during the bath, but I have to lift him into the tub. That's not easy due to his size.

*incredibly pissed off right now*

On the pissed of scale of 1 - 10.... This is a 9.5.
It involved the house and someone I trusted screwed me over.
No more details will be shared. I feel a major dump coming on.

just had to pull a feather out of this duck breast! lol!

i hope the shot isn't still buried in it

sometimes this place is like one big secret...

there are friends and supposed family and made up stories and tons of inside jokes. sometimes its annoying, sometimes i dont care. i live in chicago and have never been invited to a chicago deucers get-together. i almost always mention on here when i am heading to the paign and no one ever invites me to get together.

I wish I would have known about the lunch, I would have went
Why was it so secretive?

Yeah, that sucks

Whether I get a cherry in my cherry Diet Coke

seems to depend on whether it's a dude or chick taking the order. If it's a dude, chances are he remembers it. If it's a chick, I can be pretty sure I'm gettin' skunked.

do flourescent lights burn cool?

I just got a pen caught in my office lighting fixture and I'm debating whether to call office services or not...
the plan was that I would flip it backhand from an upright seated position between the fixture and the ceiling (like a pole vault) and then lean back in my chair and catch it on the other side in one smooth, hyperawesome motion.

my dog cornered some sort of snake just now

I think it was a bull snake. It looked a lot like this

my neighbor has cleaned out an over grown fence row and prolly forced it out of it home by his activity. It was crossing my yard to another fence row when my dog found it. She was as scared of it as it has of her. I after letting her prance around barking at it for a few minutes, I picked it up with my rake and took to it to the woods

paign water = $ i never buy bottled crap

unless it a road trip but its mostly gator ade then cause if i have to spend money on beverages im getting something other than water

*sidenote*

i read the word beverages as "beaver rags" the first time i had to read aloud in grade school

true story

while waiting

to come out of gymnastics, i heard a man yelling at his young daughter (4-ish). he wanted her to stop and she kept going. he yelled again, saying "oh hell no, your ass is mine now" and the girl stopped.

said she couldn't hear him, and he replied "you could hear me. and now you're gonna feel me."

i grabbed my phone, dialed 9-1...and waited, watching the man, expecting him to hit her. he did not.

heroes i respect....

bob hope abraham lincoln bono and probably god would be the 4th one

i think all of those pople helped the world in many ways

its beyond words

my brain is fried right now.

its been a hellish morning at work. i am sick and should never have came in. not that those are the reasons i used the wrong word, because we all know that i do it regularly. the point is, i just dont give a shit. you know what i meant.

*turns off phone, runs and hides*

The girl I have been seeing for 2 WEEKS just told me she loved me... YIKES!
I also found out tonight she's on antidepressants
I just checked my facebook, and she sent me a message saying all kinds of ... "stuff" about "a connection" and "the future"

I mean I know I'm just that charming and all that they can't resist but wow...

Is this poison Ivy

I'm thinking no but want to be sure.

I am pretty certain I am going to wear a cape during my meeting.

I then have a series of presentations I will be doing this afternoon -- I may go full FIB man for those meetings.

I told my wife, she didn't seem to care too much.

I just got one of those messages this morning.

It was very disturbing actually, from an older lady, it was hard to make out the doctors name (not that I would've posted it anyway), but here it is.......


"Hey Dr. ________, Henry is bleeding pretty bad out of his rectum again. I need to take him somewhere soon, where should I go?"



Should I have called back?

Who knew a bird needed to be groomed?

Looking for pet stores.
Not sure how Fritz would get along with an Emu.

HOLY CRAP YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO PLAY THIS FOR LAUGHS

This is officially one of the douchiest things I have ever seen here. And that's a WHOLE lotta douche. Stop being an ass.

Wizzo from the Bozo show

Lives in Hinsdale, but gets his Lexus serviced in Westmont.

I rented him a car once, but didn't know it was him. I said that it was probably a good thing I didn't know, otherwise I would have taked his credit card and went "Doodie, Doodie, Doodie" while I was swiping it.

Also rented cars in Westmont to Mark Burhle and Bo Jackson

you know what i wish?

i wish that people here weren't such assholes on purpose that they would assume i would be one too. because it helps to create a lot of the miscommunication that seems to plague me. and for the record, i have always admitted that i am poor at communicating my thoughts and feelings into the written word. it just irritates me that people assume automatically that i am being a pompous ass when really that isn't my point. and then when i realize that people are thinking like that and i try to clarify, a lot of people then assume i must be 'two-stepping'. i will admit when i am wrong and i always have here. i immediately replied to all people assuming that i was trying to insult hp by characterizing it as 'childish' with "that's not an insult". when rock quoted the dictionary reference that childish is indeed meant to be used as an insulting characterization, then i immediately reclassified it as 'childlike' (somehow that seems improper to me, but rock is the editor). so, what i am trying to say is this. yes, i am a pompous ass who believes that her beliefs are right. as i have said to you before, of course i do, otherwise why would i believe them? but, i usually am not trying to insult anyone here and when i do, i will freely admit it. so, please, stop taking everything i say from that perspective and maybe it would help my miscommunication issues somewhat (as i continue to work on them from my end). and, finally, it is really irritating to me when people jump on others here for opinions about frivolous things (things that are not really important, like your opinion of a movie or a game or a book). you have your opinion, i have mine, there is no right answer, imo.

man the one thing i hate about now through the first

frost is that i get the worst boogers.

I will attack that bitch every opportunity

And I believe she owes me a huge apology for being such an asshole.
I hope she rots in hell

For the record, IBDA is one of the biggest

assholes I've ever been associated with in any way.

Some of the stuff she left on my daughters voicemail is just ridiculous.

I feel sorry for her

I admit a major mistake for providing her my daughters cell phone numbers. Seriously she needs to get a life

you're wrong. The fact that we had a boy after 2

girls was what made it the best day of my life.

And you two need to drop this whiny "girls are people too" carp

For the record, best days of my life:
1. Son was born
2. Bears won the Super Bowl
3. Got married
4. 1st daughter born
5. 2nd daughter born

Cubs World Series Win or Illini NC in hoops are just begging to make the list

I can put you in touch with my daughters and you can advise them how hurt/disgusted/empty that they SHOULD feel about that.

I think that their response would be something like "Wow, you're really whiny about that girls are people too stuff. Grow up"

Alsio this just in...

I would like top get a TF/BJ from that braod from american idol rwind. she has a nice rack of lamb. Despite she's prbably a bitch.

dear bropad....

I like your ""game you fit all of my needs alas you don't find appparently ol e' me al tat attractive. THat beubg saud I probably sould've screw the board I was talking two for hors it seems on end.

So I'm walking back from getting my lunch

and this kobold goes *throws dart* and I'm all "whatever" *casts cone of cold* and the kobold is like *runs away* and I'm all "pwn3d"

And you question my posting because....?

Is this a classroom, where the diction must be completely formal, intellectual, and respectful...or this the internet where there are millions upon millions of websites that do anything even remotely thought-provoking?

No? Didn't think so. So...go away and get off your miniscule high-horse.

.........poop ..........

*Scanner update*

i finally got the (*#&$(*&%$ piece of shiite to work

and it appears there's a new image in my My Pictures folder....

hang in there, kids!

poo poll

do i scan and post in the poop thread the snapshot of the biggest (human) turd I've ever seen, captured in the early 80s on second floor Taft?

i now have a scanner that i can hook up and actually know how to use it. the picture is in a sealed envelope in my desk drawer. i'm just a tad lazy. but i think Jackie and IBDA might really enjoy it....

I Love Kids.....all colors, sizes, etc.....

.....and I love parents who take care of them no matter how many they have. Having worked with the progeny of broken families for many years it is always refreshing to see people who enjoy and value their children.

hello!

btw, remember that conversation wherein my wife indicated that i would prefer her to dress "hoochie"?

well, as she was driving me in this morning (thank GOODNESS! i pick up our van today) she suggested that for halloween i be a cop and she could be a hooker.

I SHOOT ALL YOU MOTHEREFFERS IN THE HEAD!!!!!!

You just got to push me, don't you? You just can't leave things alone. Maybe it isn't me that needs to grow up!

So eff you, and everyone else who loves to laugh at me. I hope you all die!

I still wish that bullet would have found it's mark and struck you behind the temple you worthless piece of sh*t

Quidditch may be the world's most popular wizard sport...

... but the U.S. has better home-grown games.

so I went to a Kareoke bar Saturday night with some friends

I figured I'd be kind of annoyed. best time I have had out in a long time. laughed my butt off at a bunch of friends singing, some good some bad. I even got up and sang some Kung Fu Fighting.....after several Crown and Cokes.

Did you know karakoe means "empty orchestra"

How possible is it to break a toe from stubbing it on a

cement step while wearing sandals?
How would one know if said toe was broken?
It'd be a lot of money thrown away if I really can't run and bike. Plus, I'm not convinced it's broken.

Even if Kelly Clarkson got really fat and ugly...

I'd still want to do her, and I'm not exactly sure why.

she seems like a really sweet girl, and that scores lots of points in my book. Now, maybe the whole "small town, sweet girl" thing is an act, but I doubt it.

BTW, I just assume she's from a small town. I never paid enough attention to know for sure.

My indian (dot) friend was almost named latihs (backwards)

Luckily, mom won out over dad in the naming of the child.

I went on a Match date once with a girl who was "petite and trim."

She was 4' 10" and petite from the waist up. From the waist down she was ginormous.

Kind of like a pear-shaped midget.

She grabbed my arm at the end of our date with her pudgy little midget hands and asked me, "Do you want something serious? Or do you just want to play around."

"Uh, I'm just looking to make friends."

*ninja smoke*

Last Match date.

Confession: I really don't deserve to drive.

Last night was my 5th ticket in the past 27 months.

The cop told me that if I show up to court... he will ask the prosecutor to dismiss it.

It looks like this one will remain off my record too.

I am a danger on the roads.

Solution: Bubbles

I've never once seen a child not stop and be amazed when bubbles are blown. Even the most un-rulely child will be mazeraized (sp) by them.

And you don't need to worry about the 3oz thing, there are small containers that they give away at weddings that hold just enough liquid to do the trick.

I once say a lady do that in the waiting area when there was a mother with 5 really poorly behaving children. The whole area was thankful for her quick thinking. And ever since then, I've kept some in my desk draw at work and with my carry-on toilettries (again, sp).

Works everytime.

All of you are heartless....

Trust me as someone who has flown with his toddler. I am adverse to drugging my child for the sake of drugging my child. If the child was simply sitting there and saying goodbye plane, and from the article that is all that was going on. He was not screaming, he was not kicking the seats, he was simply saying goodbye plane....

You are all selfish bastards. I can turn it around on you and say that she has every right to be on the plane and should not be required to drug her child to please you. Get over it and accept it as a necessary evil of PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!

what if i were to tell you

jessica biel was coming over to give you a handy?

how about that, melt-downers!

now eating 5 Guys

Life is good

Are midgets unfairly portrayed on tv/movies.

Yes, the list haunts me... Webster, Tatoo, Arnold Jackson, Mini-me and this is the top of the list. We see these mini-people as comedians. Haha. They are supposed to make us laugh. So what's with that?

When are we going to get the Great Midget Hero. I don't count Yoda, he isn't even really a human. That's as close as it gets. Even the adult movie industry has made a mockery of these people.

What is most disturbing is that nobody even wants to talk about it. Have we sunk so low?

Well I won't be quiet about it anymore. I for one believe that the midgets and bearded ladies of the world have been surpressed for too long. Ok, I feel better now.

Adfession

If I was in charge of the world, every stadium would have troughs (rather than urinals) in the men's bathroom. I don't understand the objection. It's far, far faster. And isn't that the no. 1 priority?

Admission: I have no memory when it comes to cars.

I have been driving my van for 4-5 years, and my wife has had her car for about the same time. But, I have no idea what year either one of them is. In fact, I don't even know what kind of car my wife drives.

If I had to guess, both are somewhere between 1998 and 2001 because I know we bought them used. I guess it's just not something that I care enough about to log into my memory bank.

Current Female Fashion Trends I Don't Get

1. Maternity tops/dresses for non-pregnate women. WTF? Is having a potbelly now considered sexy for chicks not in a fambly way? Let me donate a clue: Yes, that shirt/dress does make you look fat.

2. Leggings. It's effing July, in Atlanta. If you're cold, go to the effing doctor. Something's wrong with you.

3. High-waisted jeans. Yeah, jeans that flatten and broaden your ssa are sexy. Really sexy. So sexy that people outside of West Virginia call them mom jeans.

Another one: Those big ass sunglasses that resemble the ones your parents got for you at Disneyworld. I get it, honey, you're a butterface and the glasses do a good job of hiding your hideous grill.

Had one of these last night

I love cherries.

I buy the 2 lb. bags of bing cherries and bring about 10 of them into work every day as an afternoon snack. YUM.

Kinda messy though.

I have a simple dream.

Go to Costco, get giant comical sized bottles of various boozes (these things are huge for those that do not know). On a special occasion, new years, my birthday, whatever, hire a midget bartender to dispense booze from said oversized bottles.

Watching him/her struggle with the giant bottles while I'm getting drunk has to be the funniest thing ever. I hope to make it happen one day. I will make it happen.

so i'm getting a siamese kitten...

any suggestions for a new cat owner?

i went to the pound last week.. to get a cat.. saw a Siamese and fell in love with it. it was already adopted though

going to raise a kitten. friend is getting one from chicago and bringing it down. i love their coats and eyes.

I got a wink on Match...

...from a 'MillerGal". M'thinks we have something in common.

Shame she couldn't be more cute.

How non-cute is she? Non-cute enough.

i'm addicted to Warcraft...

just did a huge raid. MASSIVE exp points gained. I am a lvl 42 now...

this south korean clan picked me up on the plains, getting attacked by 3 horde.. they protected me and then let me roll with them..

they also gave me food for my pet

So a very good looking girl blatantly threw herself at me last night

And I had to turn her down. She was simply too drunk. We were at the bar around 11 and this girl comes up and tries to talk to me and my friend but is completely incoherent. We're pretty buzzed, maybe on the low side of drunk, but it's pretty evident this girl is completely plastered. So I guess she decided that since we couldn't understand her that she should try and sit on both me and my friend's laps, puts her arm around us, starts kissing us on the neck, grinding up on our laps, etc. while we try and push her off and redirect her to her concerned friend. Ended up watching her as her friend called another friend to pick them both up. Very attractive girl, very much too drunk, and our morality prevailed.

To give you an indication of how drunk this girl was. Even if I had asked her what her phone number is, she had a 0% chance of getting anything out of her mouth I actually understood. She was talking to us while throwing herself at us and not only could she not complete a sentence, but she couldn't even utter a word of recognizable english. The way she asked us to buy her more drinks was by pointing at our drinks and then pointing at herself. We said no and then when the bartender came over to get her order he immediately cut her off.

She was wobbly and needed to hold onto things to stay up straight. If I had been a little more drunk, and therefore less perceptive to her drunkeness, it would have been another story, but at our drunk level, it was obvious this girl needed to go home- by herself- and have a nice little date with her toilet for awhile.

The opinions stated are just mine. You don't like them...FORM YOUR OWN!!!!

Let's face it...I suck at this. I'll never work in baseball because I'll never get the opportunity.

If I can't find a menial labor job...what in the hell makes me think I'll ever work in a professional sport?

This is just a stupid pipe dream...and it isn't even appreciated by the likes you people...so why even f*n continue this crap?

it's always about you guys, huh. my my we think very highly of ourselves, don't we? Have you taken into consideration that I wasn't thrilled with my damn article so I decided to cancel it out? uh...ever think of that?!

That's the problem with a lot of people here...which makes me think that maybe...just maybe...if you want to read my articles...you have to read the blog...no more sneak previews

no..you're being a dick

okay..you're an ass then...that better?

well I don't have a hell of a lot going for me. so 'ol "Gloom and Doom" is back....Deal with it!

I have no idea what my BAC level is right now but

it's 4:20 a.m., I'm finishing off a Bud Light, watching a Sox game on Comcast, listening to Who's Next and I just handed my car keys to my cat.

Oh my...I think that I'll get about 8 minutes of sleep before I hear the sweet sound of clanging of pots and pans. Oh shit, I hear birds. Good night.

OMFG YUM111111111

one of the guys brought in a watermelon....

sooo good soooo cooooooool...

i'm officially all sticky

there a seeds on my desk

bullspit

I just can't get over the crap kids get away with these days compared to my youth.
If one of my uncles called me a smartass, in a serious tone, I'm sure it would have been because I had been disrespectful, and my Dad would have made it very clear to me that that won't fly.
Even for a girl. My 13 y.o. daughter is a real smartass, at least to me.
Fortunately she hasn't taken her attitude towards any of her aunts or uncles, but the first time she does, will be the last.
If one of my nieces or nephews copped an attitude with me I wouldn't hesitate to tell them they were a smartass. If my brother called me out on it (whether his wife put him up to it or not), I'd tell him his kid is a brat and to go pound sand.

Peter Frampton was in my local coffee shop this morning

Personally, I couldn't pick Peter Frampton out of a lineup, but the barista told me it was Peter Frampton.
I thought he was dead.

dear drunk bartender I know...

next time don't be so damn condeseding to me next time I apologize for over tipping you. Yes I think you are "attractive". However, expect to to get no tip because A.) I follow the law of averages and B. I will not tip you merely you were so dismissive about me tipping over my level you were because borderline asshat level for a girl tp me and I can put up alot for for an asshat broad if she's "cute". Especially since I've came into that that establishment 100xs of times.

I'm gonna slip your bartender and cuter and much morer nicer friend an extra 10 spot because you were such dick

Eff you beotch!

My god, are Jay's Hot Stuff chips hot.

I could heat a hot pepper to cool off my mouth! I cannot believe they are that hot.
I've never had off-the-shelf product with this much bite. I've never tasted as hot of chip ever!

SERIOUS QUESTION

Actually, it's a silly question, but I'm serious in my desire to know the answer. It kept me up for awhile last night.

RE: those voice box thingies that people who've had tracheotomies use to talk - what would happen if someone without a tracheotomy were to use one while talking? Would it be like a megaphone, making the speaker's voice really loud, or would it sound the same?

I have no idea how they work but suspect that they amplify some sort of vibration in the throat that occurs with or without the use of voice, and therefore it would sound the same, except with the speaker's voice being audible as well.

TIA!

what gift would you get your boss for his bday?

I was thinking a nice bottle of J Walker

I have a weird neighbor girl who comes over

and swings on our swingset for hours(literally) at a time. She used to use another neighbor's swing, but it wasn't as sturdy and it eventually broke from her use of it(she's not a small girl).

Here is an exchange between me and my wife yesterday

Mrs. "What's that noise?"

Me "It's freakin Mary out on the swingset!"

Mrs. "It's dark"

Me "No shit!"

Got mugged tonight...

luckily the guy only got 20 bucks. Note to the city of chicago please get the washington st. station fixed soon.

Got a guy arrested tonight.

So going back to work after dinner break and right by my house this guy has his package just wipped right out!!!

Just so happens firemen are returning to station right next to me down the block. I flag them down and tell them the situation. Turns out he makes a vulgar display when he walks past them.

a 911 call later and a trip back home to the fiance to give her the heads up, I stop by the fire station to thank them when the guys returned from going after him!

They gave the cops his location and 20 min later they call me to sign papers for a report.

what a wierd night, to end a hectic week!!

p.s. they had multiple reports of this guy doing that sort of thing in the area before, good to finally get him.

i think i owe you a big wet kiss

HEY EVERYONE, I'M GAY TONIGHT!!!!

hold me.

uh oh 2euce. it's raining here again, hope i can find an umbrella.

or i'll be soaked.

and i still don't have a towel.

I like to call her Chef Boyardeessomenicecansorwhat HAHAHA

I could eat 30 buffalo wings right now.

I'm dead serious.

I have 2 lunch buddies... but one is leaving in August.

She looked very nice and wore high heels. It is tough to turn down a hot chick.
Because otherwise you would be eating lunch by yourself on the river and posting a recap with pictures of birds.

Thanks, but I don't need a hug

I just need people to get the hell off their superiority pedestal and look down on all of us who like things they find lame and stupid.

But of course, what do I know...I'm just some redneck rasslin fan who has no teef and lives in a trailer park and beats my ol lady. That's what you think, isn't it? That's all us fans are to you, isn't it? Because, my god, you are so freaking special and superior to all us low lives.

A tribute....

Eventhough it looks gruesome. I am chosing to remember him as the guy who left everything in the ring and got standing ovations even when he lost. He is in my all-time top 5 favorite perfomers.

That being aid, I hope we learn all the details of what happened because I would hate to have his legacy tarnished by assuming he just snapped and killed his wife and son. I am not condoning killing someone, but I would like to know why.

Chris and Woman, taken to soon
They were such great rasslers
And now we'll never know what they could have done
One thing we do know, with the WWE they would have won.

Wrestling forever, sleeper holds in the sky
I just hope the Wrestling fans fans remember to try
Cherish every moment, because one day you'll die

There's obviously substantial overlap between

Cardinal fans, wrestling fans, and NASCAR fans.

It's called a trailer park.

With boobs like that....

...I'm okay with the height. She's supposedly 5' 11"

24, busty, blonde hair, blue eyes...
...and she emailed me out of the blue?
...there HAS to be something horribly wrong! This is TOO perfect.

almost got arrested at court house..

appearantly, you can't bring a cell phone into the building.. AT ALL.. WTF!?!??! so the guard told me, trying be all tough.. and I SIGHEDDDD...

thats IT!!

"sir, we don't need the attitude"

"um... i'm just upset"

"don't argue with me"

"what?"

"sir, i'm going to have to ask you to leave"

"WHAT?!?!!"

"thats it, you're done" (gets on radio)

"what the eff ever [throw hands in air and leave]... I'm GONE.. PEACE!!!"


Dude was seriously overweight.. and I was about to ask him to run after me. I've met many good cops, but I can't stand the mofos who think they are secret service....

no wonder people hate cops.

Drove home with a BAC of .078 last night.

I love my personal breathalyzer!


No DUI's !!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna try something

if I post my resume here, could people alert me of what I would be qualified for? Since I am looking outside of my immediate area...that way I can send something that I know I have a legit shot at outside of the Central Illinois area instead of just wasting my time?

Thanks.

TINA PO Box 126 Small Town, IL 62666 ▪ (217) 671-xxxx ▪ TINA5879@???.com

OBJECTIVE
Looking for a career position to futher build upon my abilities I have gathered from my education and work experience.

EDUCATION
Robert Morris College Springfield, IL
Bachelor of Business Administration Degree April 2000
Associate in Applied Science Degree -Computer Networking December 1998

COMPUTER SKILLS
Platforms: Windows 95/98/XP
Applications: MS Word, MS Excel, MS PowerPoint, MS Outlook
Web Authoring Tool: HTML, MS FrontPage

WORK EXPERIENCE
Self-Employed Middletown, IL
(June 2006-Present)
Worked on several Information Technology Projects for Local Companies related to Database Management Part Time transportation and house sitting duties for residents of Middletown

ASHLEY FURNITURE Springfield, IL
Customer Service Rep (March 2007-June 2007)
Answered phone calls and forwarded to proper personnel. Took phone orders. Filed sales in proper locations. Printed orders and forwarded to manager. Took payment. Answered questions from customers. Processed financing applications and forwarded to proper locations for approval or denial.

STATE FARM INSURANCE Bloomington, IL
Consultant, Spherion Personnel Team - IT Maintenance (Nov 2004-May 2006)
Maintenance, Storage and Operation of Database Files used by Disaster Recovery Team Created and Published Reports based on Usage of the Database Files by the Disaster Recovery Team Reported to proper personnel when problems arose in the Maintenance of the Database Files machines or servers.

Self-Employed Middletown, IL
(June 2002-November 2004)
Worked on several Information Technology Projects for Local Companies related to Database Management Part Time transportation and house sitting duties for residents of Middletown

Robert Morris College Springfield, IL
Computer Assistant (January 1999-April 2000)
Created databases for supplies, license plates, and all items in storage.
Maintained departmental records and information on computer system.
Wrote memos to members of the faculty and staff.
Library Assistant (September 1997-December 1998 )
Assisted the faculty and students with library resources.
Checked out materials for students, faculty, and staff via network database. S
orted and coded incoming materials accordingly.
Opened and closed library as requested.
Issued student identification cards to new students.

i'm glad we've got some supplies. we're in the same boat

mainly.

i hate the pull out method, but that's been our fallback. the pill is out, the doc won't even hear of it (that's ok iwth me).

condoms stink. we use them sometimes, but only the lambskin ones (latex makes both of use sore and itchy). those things aren't cheap, ($7.00 for 3 of them!) and they are still a condom.

so we start au naturel, and 90% of the time i just wait until after she goes, then we have to stop while i put one of those on. not that exciting.

rhythm works ok, but...

Going to do the Secret Shopper thing

decided that since I have some money ($1300) in my bank account...I can afford to go ahead and give this a shot while I look for work (and still be able to do it when I do work as supplimental income)

Anyone ever done this before and give me some good advice?

mini-pck does a little public service:

Authorities thought that mini-pck's exceptional referee skills could be used to moderate a domestic violence situation.


Things turned ugly and mini-pck had to take the guy down.


Then, sadly, mini-pck had to take the couple's baby into protective custody. It was obviously a squalor situation. Sad night.

Dude kissed my wife then wouldn't shake my hand.

I am at a bar association meeting in Lake Geneva Wis. This big shot fat guy lawyer kisses my wife on the cheek and ignores me. I know the guy, but he doesn't acknowledge me. I am an attorney just like him. I'm not a ISBA big shot like my wife or him but I could care less. I hate those parties.

I think it goes back to the day when I saw him at the strip joint. When he saw me, he ran out of there like he was too important and his repuatation mattered too much to be seen. He saw me in the front row, but he thinks he got his fat ass out of there before I saw him. Jokes on him. Sort of.

Now my wife's at the fancy party and I'm about to take the kids out for ice cream. I won't be responding to any comments. Time to go to the beach. I think I got the better end of the deal. Better to hang out with your kids than 100 self-important lawyers.

do you have anything better to do with your time?

why do you insist on letting this conversation go on? i am so bored of it that i really dont care anymore. do people actually have jobs? way too much time on their hands because want to argue and argue forever. I am trying end this thing, but people have way too much time on their hands. I am not going to argue fro hours because i dont have the time to do it. i think it could be a bad trade in the future and noone is going to convince me otherwise right now. Really people, find something better to do than argue on the internet. i am trying to end this in a nice and easy way, but people are like rabid dogs that wont let go. MOVE ON ALREADY!

find a hobby.

There have been 5 different knockings on our front door

in the past half hour. I didn't answer the first four (I think I heard people shuffling around) and the people that came over on the fifth were here for about 2 minutes before leaving. No clue if they were the same two that have been back and forth of if there have been different people.

If this keeps up as I'm going to sleep, I'm not going to be happy.

so i head for my surprise trip over memorial day weekend

a cruise to the bahamas!

we arrive EARLY like 1pm for a 5pm docking and hit the top deck off of the bat, doube grey gooses and so forth

well half of my party passes out at 11pm leaving me unattended and not very interested in the comedian so i wander to the piano bar red hot and tipsy, i start doin jager bombs with a guy named chico and requesting off the wall shit from the piano guy which he wont play

so i meander off to the casino and start droppin nickels on the chicago faves, 23, 34, 17, 8....i hit twice and start throwin 5 dolla chips at everyone in the casino....at this point it gets hazy....i toss out roughly 500 bucks by my calculations and reports from my new buddy chico, he got a bill for his babysitting troubles

at this point he takes off and what happens next can only be remembered from the next morning and my pictures

i wake up in the morning surrounded by a few hundred bucks and hear.....do you know what happened last night?

i say.....um.....i gambled

apparently i was escorted/carried back to my room and thrown on the bed with my seapass cause i went up to the top deck and was screaming at the rain under hard wind conditions...i overstepped the baricades....when approached by cruise staff i told them its ok im the captain!! and they can go away

when they grab me i said FINE and went and laid down on one of the flat chair and tell them ill sleep here till the bar opens

WOW

so i figured that was it till we get ready to take our voyage off of the boat the next day

they scan m seapass and all the monitors go red and they said i have a "message"

i tell them its OK...ill get it when i get back

no....i must go talk to the captain

APPARENTLY....i wandered into the bowels of the ship somehow and got into some control rooms and got to the captains wheel

when they discovered it i bolted and headed to the top deck to get away from them

he started with......"youre not in trouble but......

they almost cut me off for the rest of the cruise

i ended up having to only get like 1 out of every 10 rounds from there on out cause everytime they scanned me, they were checking on my intake

that was night 1

My entire body hurts today.

Kung Fu was pretty rough last night.

We took the mats out and practiced falling again.

An evil black belt named Victor showed up and taught us a bunch of dirty tricks to pull out when we are in street fights.

One time a homeless person asked me for money so they could buy lunch.

I went into a taco bell and ordered 2 soft tacos. They gave me taco supremes with sour cream. I showed them the mistake and they made me new ones but did not collect the sour creamy ones.

I then tried to give the sour creamy tacos to the homeless person outside. She refused to take them. I gave her an evil look and said, "You just asked me for something to eat and now you are turning it down. You are crazy."

She then took the sour creamy tacos and thanked me.

I hope she got sick!

Just negotiated a discount on bull semen

Bought a large quantity
The supply reserves were getting low.

Sometimes things happen to me that let me know how it feels to be pck

I went to check into my hotel last week and the girl working the counter said that there was no reservation under my name. I told her that my office took care of it, so maybe she should check under the company name. She still couldn't find it so she asked if I had a confirmation number.

Luckily, I had printed out my email confirmation so I dug it out of my luggage and handed it to her all disgusted-like. She looked at it and said "This reservation is for the Hampton Inn down the street. This is the Ramada Inn."

I said "Have a nice night" and slinked away into the darkness.

My MIL got me a card with a pic of a mountain and then filled

the entire inside with a story about how she once saw this mountain and what a great time she had. WTF??? Put a check in a card and be done with it Bonnie!

man, i think i took my formerly iron constitution for granted.

i have been messed up since saturday night.

can't sleep, can't seem to have complete bowel movement, i feel all bloated-y, have indigestion like pain...

this is not good.

i forgot to mention i hurt my ribs again. daggone kids are getting too big to wrestle in the pool at the same time. (and i'm not getting any younger).

*updates Facebook status*

words of wisdom: No matter how harmless you think it might be..

...never, EVER under any circumstances take an ex-gf to a mutual friends wedding.

Total and complete wohstihs.

Did a kegstand on Saturday night

Yeah, it was at the party with all the talent. I lasted the second longest upside down. I am proud to say that your kegstand champeen is none other than Mrs.

*pours one out for my childhood cat*

Whitesox the one-eyed cat was killed by an overprotective mom deer in northern Wisconsin today, after 18 years of being awesome.

So how do you know if you're on a date, or just hanging out?

Also, there will be no update tomorrow, as I have no time.

mini-pck looking for a little fun:

i just don't see the disadvantages to charging a fee to drive in downtown Chicago

obviously there have to be some, but of course the press i have seen on this issue is one-sided.

i am all for trying to make us a society less dependent upon oil. i have heard about city planning in england and elsewhere where they just aren't putting in roads that you can drive on (only walkways). now this tax, a way to try and force people to drive less. i am all for it.

first off, i never drive downtown. i always use public transportation (even though it is time consuming and such for those of us who live outside of the general areas around the el's). it is just less stressful and cheaper to buy a $5 day pass then to find public parking for $15-30. and you know what? the el's are generally empty out in the far reaches of the city and the burbs. almost no one makes the same choice as me and i understand that to some extent (cta does usually double my travel time and sometimes increases walking distance). but to some extent, it blows my mind that people don't take advantage of public transportation more, especially with skyrocketing gas prices.

let me add this for all the selohssa who want to jump down my throat about my above statement:

my statement was meant as an invitation to tell me the other side (that is why i put that first sentence in there, admitting that i had only heard one side of the argument)

of course, people here just want to put me down just because of the username instead of having a legitamite conversation about it.

i am going to work. have a good morning all

For the next 30 days, I will be making myself do daily blog entries.

Shut up, I will too!

Now taking suggestions for writing material, TIA

I just found a giant piece of sea weed in my crack.

Comment by the crazy co-worker this AM...

"I shot a squirrel this morning."

She bought a pellet gun to shoot the squirrels that come up on her porch. Evidently she brought it into work Monday after she bought it over lunch.

She's also wearing bowling shoes and Pete Maravich floppy socks with clamdigger pants.

i know nothing about computers...

but i will let you know there are plenty of decent, basic laptops under 1k these days. i will leave which ones are good up to the experts.

How long has Tina had fake posts?

*Phil Leotardo*Either this thing means something, or it doesn't.

What Would you like to see?

OK, since I am planning (the key word here is planning, because I don't know what my nights will look like in the coming months, but they have been real work related since April) to do a complete redesign.

I have a few ideas of things that I think will work out well, but I would like to get some input, too.

On the plans now are a complete renovation of the Daily News Links, because that code has been sitting there for the last 6 years now, and never updated since it was first written. It works, but there are some things that can be done to make it even better now.

Other than that, I don't know what else people would like to see. I have guesses, and I think my guesses are pretty good when it comes to stuff like this, but I will see.

So, now is your chance, what do you want to see? If you could change something, what would you change?

Any answer is valid, though some may be less valid than others.

For those that needed closure on my roommate.

They had dinner plans for tomorrow night, she invited her friend to come along. He now has the message.

KUNG FU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was embarrassed to go on Thursday because my uniform was too stinky. It has been washed and is ready for kicking some ass.

classmates' ears are safe. They know how to protect their ears. We spend a lot of time learning how to block.

Sleepless in Seattle comment

Why wouldn't Tom Hanks just call ahead to the airport and have them hold the boy until he got there? he was quite the backpack toting rapscallion, what a scamp!

it was towards you and all the instagaters here.

this thread was about Ankiel, but you guys are like a pack rats wanted to go down this rentaria road again. you just cant leave things alone. alot of spineless twits on this board insist on starting trouble with me. This is what you do. you can't stand alone against a cardinal fan, so you guys ban together and try to attack others because that is the only way you can do things. you kept pushing and pushing and i was trying to ignore it. you can't handle opposing opinions on here and it's obvious. you want the mean and vicious Darrin back towards the Cub fans,you got it. you else noone else to blame but yourself. The Cub fanbase is so arrogant and pompus and they think they know everything. they could learn a lesson from a real fanbase like the cardinals. when things dont their way, they throw things on the field. wow, that something to be proud of. the fanbase is much like the team, a bunch of losers that will never win. oh, when exactly is the last time you a won world series again? the better question is how many more decades will it be before you win it again. LOSERS,the cubs and the fans are LOSERS. BTW, when did the cardinals win the world series again? oh yeah, last year.

most of you will be dead and buried when you guys finally win won.

you want war, you got it Beotches! sorry, but those gutless mother effers did it.

those sorry sack of sh*ts wont hear the end of it now. the thing is, i can be 10X more vicious than i have been in the past. the shackles are off and i am free.

i hope i am creeping you out. you have so many internet socalled tough guys that wants to talk trash. step out in the real world and say something like. you would have a foot so far up your a$$ that you can taste it.

Hmmm, does this chick want me?

Group ex instructor at our gym, and worker at the other north side location.

"So you're going to have to show me around the Southport area because I just moved over this way like 3 weeks ago and since all my friends are gay they will only go out on Halsted Street. It sucks because if I ever want to do anything I have to go out over there. Lately I have just been being a loser and stayin in by myself because I'm sick of the boystown scene. Not to mention that I would hate for you to miss me too much since my time at *gym name* will be limited these next couples weeks "

I'm too broke to buy toilet paper

so I just went and stole some from our public restroom.
Now I won't have to use paper towels in the morning.

PSA: The final dance scene from Little Miss Sunshine

might be one of the funniest scenes ever.

That is all.

Well...the inevitable happened

I got my 2 weeks notice today. Last night I was told that they were cutting back and that this was my notice. That's all I know. That's all i was told.

but this did happen to me before when I worked for the state. They alerted us that the contract was running out in 2 weeks and they didn't think they would be able to keep it.

Claim of slow work period. Cutting back. Going with 3 CSR's in alternating shifts.

Was told if by August or September if I am still looking, to put in an application again.

Roommate update.

He just returned home, angry as all hell. The girl not only brought along her friend, but she also brought her uncle...they had a picnic.

My poor roommate.

All day's he's going on and on about how hot and cool this girl is and how much he's looking forward to their date tonight. When he called to make plans, she said that she'll be bringing along her roommate....she non-dated him.

My poor roommate.

All day's he's going on and on about how hot and cool this girl is and how much he's looking forward to their date tonight. When he called to make plans, she said that she'll be bringing along her roommate....she non-dated him.

so i'm thinking after the gf leaves for china...

i'm shaving my head

its hawt out. yeah and who cares i'm not trying to holler at anyone

I decided against taking drugs last night.

And I've been pacing the hallways in pain for the last hour.

Why does Champaign Police call us for donations?!?

We don't even live in Champaign.

Yeah, when I told them I don't live in the city of Champaign... They said "But you have a Champaign mailing address and don't you shop within Champaign?"

I went ahead with a skirt

But it's short and not flow-y, so hopefully there won't be any problems.
No, really, it's not the kind of skirt that blows in the wind. Even 50-mph wind.
No, it's short, but not billow-y. It ain't goin' nowheres.
Seriously, I'm not that old and I don't have bad legs.

is this your first time on the deuce?

a lot of people, VIV in particular, like to talk in circles, inside jokes, and ultimately avoid responding in any meaningful way

Favorite TINA category

I'm gonna go with...

This Is How I Feel. Deal With It.

I just cropdusted a couple women in the Best Buy parking lot.

They were downwind and I didn't know they were there when I let one rip.

I knew it was pretty nasty right away, and 5 or 10 seconds later they were both choking...

When I was a kid, I had a pet mouse

In fact, between my sister and brothers and I, we literally had hundreds of mice. Instead of a cages, we used old bookshelves with wire mesh across the front, and holes drilled in the shelves with ladders so that the mice could move from shelf to shelf. If was almost like a mouse village, with certain groups of mice ruling certain shelves. It looke kind of like this:

Because there were so many mice, they didn't all get a ton of attention, and, for that reason, some of them were really mean. Mean to us, and really mean to each other. I did have one favorite one though that was a mix of black and white. He was easy to pick out so I played with him a lot and he got to be very tame. I even taught him how to walk a tightrope. Kind of like this guy:

Sometimes when people would visit us, mom would say "get your mouse and show how he can walk the tightrope." Needless to say, I was very proud. One day, we were out practicing in the yard, and my mouse was taking a break walking around in the grass. I didn't keep an eye on him, and when I turned to look for him, I knelt right on top of him. When I picked him up, he was convulsing. And he actually died right in my hand.

I was so sad, but my sister and brothers thought it was funny. I hated them for weeks after that. To this day, they still tease me about killing my tightrope-walking mouse.