Easter egg hunt in the office today.

Inside the eggs are raffle numbers for later today.

MAJOR UPDATE!! I was told I can only have 3. I had 10 eggs. Do I give the other raffle numbers to people or do I hoard them so those numbers can't win.

So the customer lies to me and it's *my* fault?!?

I ask what the material he made the bag out of and his answer is 100% nylon. Then I asked "It has no coating, just nylon" and he said yes.

The ink instantly peeled off and I informed him it was not nylon. So I did the research by going to the web site he provided me and it reads "It is coated with Urethane Coating and DWR. ".

I specifically asked him what the material was. I specifically asked "nothing but nylon?". I asked him if he was certain.

He directed me to the web site where he had purchased it. It states "Nylon - Coated" in the description line.

Not only isn't it "100% nylon", but it is coated with two different chemicals in the description of the product that he purchased.

No I didn't call him a liar, I said to him that he didn't tell me the truth (which is about the same). It was either a liar or an idiot. I'd prefer thinking of it as lying.

I've gone home before because of the bad cramps

and heavy flow. Meh, it's probably because I'm bleeding from my vagina

I am on my period!!!

first my icecream sammiches.. now...

she steals my depeche mode concert tshirts. wtf. it was the only one i had left. grrrrrrrrrr.

My insides are all twisted and tied!

They turned me loose on the phones, but a) I don't know a lot yet, and b) we deal with a bunch of a-holes.

And on top of that, Ms. is leaving this afternoon to go to Texas until Monday. Not only will I miss her, but now I have to deal with two not-really-liking-each-other dogs all by my lonesome.

And on top of THAT, we've got some huge-ass project here tomorrow, about which we keep getting "motivational" emails that only serve to anxiefy me. Silver lining with that is the project means we'll be off the phones.

Should I change my name to dramaqueen

after numerous calls...

the ice cream sammich theif was none other than ms. she took them home to her roomies.

did she think i wouldn't notice.. when only ONE was left?!?!?! I love those things to DEATH. They feed my power animal.

Apologies for drunk post last night, I'm over everything else

But I'm so sick of taking care of drunk people it's not even funny.

Worst. Night. Ever.

So it started out allright. I was 50-50 on going out tonight but got some stuff done so I decided to go out for a few hours (meaning from 11-2). Pretty typical early night in New Orleans (yes, that's early, our bars don't close at early times). So anyway, me and my 2 buddies are drinking 2 dollar imports/microbrews when who calls up but my hook up buddy (score! right?). Not so fast. She brings this clan of her sorority sisters with a bunch of sketch frat guys, including her abusive ex-boyfriend. Long story short, ex-boyfriend gets physical, I step in, ex-boyfriend steps off and calls hook up buddy non-stop from there on out.

That's okay, I can deal with that as long as sketch boy isn't around. So it's 50-50 again on going to another bar or just drinking on our own. Turns out one of hook-up buddies best friends has now gotten into a fight with one of my best friends (they're dating). She's hysterical, so hook-up buddy goes back to pick her up. I'm stuck in the middle. Eventually hook-up buddy's friend and my buddy patch things up, we get to another bar (1.5 hours later than we're supposed to be there). We get there, everyone wants to leave. Buy a quick drink, leave, go to another bar.

We get outside and some drunk ass girl is collapsed on the ground. No one is paying attention to her. I, being the good summaritan that I am, picks her up and tries to wake her up. She wakes up, some other guy comes to the rescue (that knows her), we decide to walk her home. Her place is a mile from this bar and we're carrying her over our shoulders.

So we get about 1/2 way there, she says she's fine, wants to go back to the bar we're at. Her friend carrying her says no, but also wants to go back to the bar. They decide that they should just go back. I'VE WASTED 45 MINUTES CARRYING THIS GIRL HOME. So outraged, I run back to the bar only to find hook-up buddy talking to another guy. It's now 4:30, I'm so fed up with people at this point I storm off and go home. People suck!!!!

Advice I just read--your air travel tip of the day

The odds of someone bringing a bomb on your plane are small, but the odds of TWO people bringing bombs are infinitesimal. So you should always bring a bomb.

Dear all "matured" females-

If you do not want guys looking at your tiggle bitties, then do not wear low shirts. Any failure to comply with this will be seen as an opportunity, nay, an invitation for guys to look down your shirt. Any looks received while wearing said low shirt are therefore completely deserved and should actually be taken as somewhat of a compliment, seeing as though you brought it on yourself. That is all.

Hugs and Kisses,


PS- We also reserve the right to take peeks at your boobs even when you're not wearing low shirts, as long as we don't get caught. And even if we do get caught, do your worst to me.

Hey, I'm lazy and very standoffish what can I say.

Everyone's blog stinks but mine

How awkward.

One of my good friend's little sisters just added me as a friend, she's a Junior in high school. An excerpt:

Quote:

Haha! I enjoy tanning, shopping, and boys. I love staying up until 3 in the morning talking about sex, giving sex advice, and sleeping in one bed with my dance girls! Yeah! haha! I also enjoy going to Steak and Shake with my gangsta and scaring the people there...haha!

So its official...

she's leaving for Shanghai for 9 months.

This will be a good test.

apparently hosted a rather large booger at today's lunch

shoulda done the standard mirror check beforehand...

I've figured out why the busses never run on time in Chicago.

It takes about 6 or 7 minutes to load a wheelchair onto a crowded bus. On my way home from lunch, we picked up a lady in a wheelchair, and the driver had to get about 8 people to move, raise the seats, re-configure the fare machine, kneel the bus, lower the stairs, get the wheelchair person locked into place, then raise the stairs, unkneel the bus, re-configure the fare machine again, and wait for everyone to get resituated.

All it takes is two or three of those to throw the whole route off schedule by about a half hour.

I propose some sort of forklift device where the wheel chair gets scooped up and just sort of hangs there until their stop. Much more efficient.

bad luck part2

i told you about that situation with that one girl a few weeks ago. i got over that ok. another girl at work was asking me if i was single and i told her i was. She told me she could hook me up with one of her "nice" friends. I said ok. we talked about this and she was going to do this real soon. i guess she was going to bring one of her friends to work to meet me.

well, i was sick over the weekend and i came back to work on Monday to only find out that she was fired the day before. i do not have her number nor does she have mine. I went to work Monday and a guy told me that last Friday she brought in one of her friends to meet me. This guy told me she was a hott Blonde. trust me, i wanted to kick my own ass for getting sick and not being there. maybe things could have worked out, but NOOOOO i had to be sick.

the vacant BK on Green Street is no longer

i beat some guys arse infront of that place, his gf freaked. shouldn't have talked sh*t to me while I'm pissing in the bushes. trying to be cool and you think i wouldn't hear you. i heard you buddy and it was funny seeing your cell phone fly across the street and your gf's face when i smacked that smirk off your face.

maybe now, he won't talk crap to random strangers... that were very drunk. burb biatch.

i got applause... haven't you ever wanted to punch that collar popping express wearing burb boy? all huggin on his token asian gf.

what a solid punch will do to one's self esteem. GUARANTEE he thinks twice before pokin fun at people he doesn't know in public.

i did him a favor. if he were to do that in chi, much worse.

it wasn't a sucker punch...I asked him to apologize first. He got in my face and said "you don't want this man". He went from HeMan to "I'm calling the cops" in a heartbeat after one punch.

I don't pick fights with strangers, but I have a very low tolerance for mofos who think they can do whatever and get away with it. I love bringin those people back down to earth.

So my dog accidentally fired out another butt nugget this morning

Just casually walking down the sidewalk on the way to the park when suddenly *POP* out comes this little turd knuckle. No squatting, it just came out in mid-stride, totally unprovoked. He just looked over his shoulder with an "eh, what can you do?" expression and kept walking. He crapped the rest out a couple of minutes later.

The errant crapper:

MAJOR UPDATE

I got an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie from Potbelly and it was everything I had dreamt it to be.

Fortunately, I was on my way to the gym so I don't feel the least bit guilty about it either.

I am SOOOO craving a chocolate chip cookie!

wtf is wrong with me? I never crave cookies!

Maybe I'll stop somewhere on the way home. It's so strange too. It's not something general like "I want something sweet" or "I want chocolate". It's very specific - I want a big, soft chocolate chip cookie.

I think it's just that I've been eating less carbs than usual lately. I tend to crave sweets if my body is low on carbs (as it will when I get closer to the half marathon).

here's something interesting.

today's socks are not quite mid calf and the rate of slippage is identical for both legs.

on a sidenote

neighbor lady asked me and another guy to help move her son's mattress and box frame out to a truck she rented to transport his stuff to him.

as we lifted the mattress up (while she was watching), we exposed approx 4 nudie mags and 3 pron videos. then after we lifted the box spring, we discovered more videos, two lotion containers and a box of kleenex.

woman hasn't asked me to move anythign since

do they make white permanent markers?

i'm trying to figure out how to start marking my socks "L" and "R".

riddle me this: the dress sock on my right leg stays up, but

the one on the left leg always falls down.

what the heck?

why is this happening?

(yes, i know it's not really a riddle)

Earned my white belt yesterday

I am glad that I went to Kung Fu.

Get bent!

I probably did it like five months ago or something.

UPDATE: Just called her..

said I was being a little puzzy and that was just thinking about myself. Told her not to worry about me and that appreciate any and all time she takes to email/call me. Said a lot more... but it was very unlike me.

I could tell in her voice that she was happy.

"thank you baby.. means a lot"

thanks guys.

ok, i'm really pissed at my gf...

I'm in bed ... broken...

she lives cross town. She still hasn't come to see me. Granted she doesnt' have a car. Its been two days. The reason I'm hurt is cause I went over to comfort her about some family problems. I stayed over on her tiny bed. I slept really twisted and it effed up my back. Now I'm layed out.

I hurt myself to comfort her. Now she is too busy (she is doing a ton of PhD shite) to come over. I don't need hours of her time.. just some dinner and a kiss.

Am I over reacting?

BTW... this is her latest email (its sweet, but actions speak louder than words in my book):

Hey,

I'm sorry. I miss you and I can't help but feel guilty =( I miss you a lot. I want you to know that. Always thinking about you.....

~MS

Going to fast for 2 weeks

only water. Not to lose weight...but after all the negativity in my life...need something to just "flush" it out.

dear hctib that invited me to the movies,

do NOT EVER make me look like a dumbssa EVER again. EVER!

do NOT EVER invite me to be the third wheel EVER again.

do NOT EVER ignore me like you did tonight.

finally, do NOT EVER call me for a ride EVER again. I will not be answering your phone calls/text messages/IMs.

i sure hope that guy has that bubbly personality, because even i have him beat on looks, and i am not all that 'hot' myself, so i really do not know what he has.

ps: 300 was good, as long as i kept my eyes on the screen and not the shennigans that was going on right next to me.

pss: i was not one of the guys with 'smuggled' beer that ended up dropping t and spilling it.

man, i got lucky today going to the doctors.....

I had the doctors assistant check me out today for my appointment. This chick is so hot and she was wearing a skin-tight outfit.

If that wasn't enough, she had a trainee in there also who was about 23 years old and extremely hot as well.

damn, did i hit the lottery or what today? I really enjoyed the doctor poking me and seeing if i was in pain. for about 20 minutes today i felt great.

Now, i am back to reality.

She bought a $50 bra just so she could have a professional fitting.

she doesn't eat meat
She ran five miles yesterday
She has trouble waking up in the morning
she's short
she likes volleyball
She's always cold
She's usually late to things
she cried when jerry died
She had a crush on a pitcher for the white sox
She has cool drinking gloves
She packs light and rarely takes more than a backpack
She once got in a fight with a tiny bearded Wisco fan and then proceeded to dance with him
she most likely smells

At Steinmart today, they had orange courderoy pants

If they had my size I would have bough them ($20). They had a pair that was one size bigger (in the waist) than i wear, I might buy them if they go to another 50% off

alright...

look...I might be a 23 year old female. Big woop. I might say "lol" a lot. Gonna cry about it? I have a personality and I like to show it on here so you give me shit for that? I am majoring in math not english so my grammar and english is crap. I have tough skin...I just don't think it's warranted for you people to dish crap to me when it is less than deserved. I take what you say personally why? because I don't know if you're sarcastic or not! How to rectify? Hmmm, maybe what I do...put an "lol" or a wink in there to signify sarcasm. That way...you don't have to be like a stupid child and make yourself feel better by bringing someone else down. That's just stupid if you can call yourself an adult while spending an entire thread to make fun of someone. That right there is ignorance and imaturity. So instead of "lurking" like a freak I just jump in and try and be myself and I get persecuted. Isn't that nice?

so last night it's just me and the boys at home; mrs was out

with her buddies.

after supper, the boys and i determined to have a game of Yahtzee!. now - i don't really care for Yahtzee!, but both of our boys like to play. it is a new game, we have only played it once. (our oldest and i have played it on his gameboy, but that's it). i, of course, won the previous game of yahtzee!.

so we cleared the table and away we go. things started out fairly fast for our oldest, though it became clear halfway through the contest that unless our middle one went on a Yahtzee! role, this was going to be a two horse race b/w me and our oldest.

our oldest failed to roll a Yahtzee! on his final role, and so entered the dreaded zero. his final tally - 266.

before my final turn, we tallied the other score sheets. the youngest barely broke 200.

with one final role - and having only the three of a kind slot open, my score was 242. i needed 24 to tie; and 25 to win.

both of our boys were now out of their chairs, standing around the table. holding brady in my lap with my left hand, i shook the cup and rolled.

the role: 6 4 3 3 1

i kept the 6.

role 2: 6 6 6 5 and another number that i grabbed when i saw i had 23.

now we're all yelling and gesticulating wildly. i pronounce "i need a 1 to tie, and anything else and i win!" of course i'm being my usual humble self.

our boys are now covering their eyes; they cannot stand the tension. (by this point the middle child was clearly rooting against me.)

i take the cup, shake, and roll a....

1

all three of us let loose with a holler and poor brady's eyes about flew out of his head.

i was all

and the other boys were

then i made them take a shower and go to bed.

so mrs just called. you see, yesterday, i took her a gift.

a box of thin mint girl scout cookies - just for her. her very own box of cookies she would not have to share with the boys. obvi, i am not going to eat any, they are thin mints - no thanks. i also got a box of the carmel ones for the boys.

the cookies were purchased from one fo the partner's daughters; he brought them here in a bag last week while i was in chicago. on the box, he wrote, rather sloppily, "$6.00".

so mrs calls me, and says - in a tone similar to a junkie that has had a bit of smack, but hasn't quite had enough to have a full fix - "i wish you hadn't brought those girl scout cookies home. they are such a weakness!"

me: "did you eat them all already?"

mrs: "i want to know where the other boxes are. where are the other boxes!"

me: "what other boxes?"

mrs: "the other boxes! on the bag it says $18.00! there's now way two boxes cost $18.00! where are the others" (at this point, she was almost panting.)

me: "oh no. it says $6.00. there are no other boxes."


mrs: "oh". she was crushed.


note: i did purchase two additional boxes of shortbread cookies from a different partner's daughter and i have kept those in my desk for me. i think this is the first time i have successfully sort of lied to her. (it won't last)

Great, the new guy just gave me a hug...he doesn't

realize how close he was to getting decked.

he was laughing and put his arm around me for a second. He's very odd.

my favorite place to take an emergency road pmud

1. Casino / Large Hotel (full service)
you drop the car out front, no need to park, flip the keys to the valet and you’re usually less than 100 steps from a clean crapper.
you merge easily with the crowd, target is easy to find and you usually have multiple options. No bottlenecks, ever. This make Vegas the hands-down winner in "Best City to be Stuck in for an Emergency Dump?" I'll call Oscar.

2. Small Hotel
Can park in reservation area, and the johns just behind the front desk. But usually have to pass the bored front desk person who
wonders why you’re waddling. Clean options, but with the smaller hotels, it’s sometimes a single-load john with the locked door option. Never a favorite.
Best option here is Marriott Courtyard which only have three main layouts and johns are easy to find in each plan. Always teh multiple-stall option and not used much because 99% of people there go to their rooms to carp.

3. Staples, Office Depot/Max
Usually large, lots of options, clean. Easy parking options. Sometimes hard to locate and require asking-a-clerk time-wasting option.

4. Large Border’s/Barnes & Noble
Reliable, but you have to make sure you’re in a gigantic store. Bookstores tweak everyone’s Emergency Dump Valve , so the competition is sometimes fierce. The built-in coffee shops don’t help matters, folks

5. Large grocery store.
has to be a huge one, lest you wrassle the employee john in the back.

6. Newer public library
Hours are not always friendly. Newer ones are good options.

Horrible options

1. Any fast food place.
I said dump, not piss. The updated McD’s are sometimes an option because the new ones often have two stalls (and that’s not just when you do the knock and Hijack the ladies room to do the deed—and , Hell, who hasn’t done THAT a few times? )

2. The Waffle House

3. Any gas station.

"In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

wow. i really should not have played truth or dare tonight.

i am dumb.

eh, it was drunken truth or dare. things got interesting.

licking of the toilet seat.
licking of the clogged shower drain.
licking under the leaking kitchen sink.
shot of pepper.
shot of ketchup.
make out with door handle.
streak outside.

to me, thats an interesting tuesday night.

5:30 am... in a cab from South Beach back to our

hotel, one of my colleagues tries to roll his window down.

Locked.

He starts shouting to the cab driver to either unlock the window or to stop.

Either the guy doesn't speak english or he just ignores him, because he doesn't even turn around. Or slow down.

BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW....

My buddy pukes up a few gallons of wine, champaign, vodka and whatever was left of the lamb chops he ate earlier in the evening.

That got the cabbies attention though. He was a bit pissed off.

We gave him $200 for his trouble.

let me give you some real LAMS

LAM = I own a Yacht
LAM = I partied with "insert celeb here"
LAM = I did 3 chicks last night
LAM = I have a 100" Plasma

NOT LAM = I bought a PC
NOT LAM = I ran 5 miles
NOT LAM = I have a wolf tie
NOT LAM = I bought a dell jukebox

My breakfast...

so effing tasty!

So, let's go over what is ailing me:

Strep Throat. Taking penicillin for that over the next week.
Strained Neck. Taking some muscle relaxer for that.
Left knee hurts. New ailment as of this morning.
Stuffy right nose for the 5th straight day.
Hands feel dry, strained and overall raw.
Mouth still feels mucus-y and cotton-y at the same time, if possible.

I really hate kids who roll around on those roller shoes at the

grocery store. Next time one almost runs me over, I'm going to trip him and send him flying into the lobster tank. I'm a man of action I tell ya'!

this could only happen to me....

i mentioned a week or so ago about a girl at work that really liked me, well, it's over already. here is the story

This girl and i were getting along extremely well and things were progressing pretty fast. we would talk to each other on the phone alot and send text messages. She was sending some pretty strong signals in these messages to make me think that we were going to get together. She always wanted me to wait for when she got to work and go in with her. she would always sit next to me during our breaks. basically, she wanted to be everywhere i was at. matter of fact, we ended up on the same work line together because of this. well, On Friday something happened. she was acting differently. When we got off of work she sent me a message saying that she was sorry about different things and that she had some things on her mind.

The very next day at work she seemed to be even more distant towards me. She didn't even sit next to me during break (obviously i knew something was up) i asked if something was wrong and she said things were fine. That night she ended up leaving early at lunch and she did not say anything about it. When i got home i sent her a message to ask what happened and she never responded.

Finally she got back to me late in the afternoon and everything seemed to be fine when we talked. Yesterday, i sent her a message to see if she was going to work because she missed the day before because her wrist was hurting her, and she said she would get back to me because she was at the hospital getting her wrist looked at. This was early in the morning and she never got back to me and finally i left a voicemail for her around 4. about a half hour later i get a call from a friend of hers and a person we work with . He told me just out of the blue that she told him that she did not want me to talk to her again, i asked why and he said that she did not say why. I told him that i couldn't accept something like that without some sort of an explaination.

I told him to call her back and see what the deal was. well, as it turns out she and her"old man" are getting back together after being apart for 6 months. this is the same guy that she told me that she would never take back

once again, another disappointment in my life with women

...

TINA is being attacked.

It looks like my Websense internet filter is trying to block her, but is not quite succeeding. You can actually see the Websense logo creeping up from behind the TINA site in this picture. Or maybe Websense found that one strip of TINA particularly offensive, but that the rest was okay.

1.) Flipped my car 2 1/2 going roughly 80 on a country road

2.) As a kid, Nearly got swept in a away after our canoe capsized on a camping trip

3. New Years this year two parter.

Drank too much some one accidently woke me. Laying on my started puking felt paralyzed . Friends clean up a little take me to the shower. Then proceed to fall in the shower.

End result of shower fall.

I got a renob during my first jr. high slow dance.

and the girl told all her friends after the dance was over.

giving a speech in HS speech class, I went to

wipe my nose with the back of my hand and a booger with trailer (like a comet or sperm) stuck between my hand and my nostril.

Meh--he has a real-live boneable version at home

Well, except for the beauty queen part.

Blonde, hot(t), short, boobies... kcuf yeah. Eat it haters. :D

mother effer

the skating rink is closed tonight. any other ideas on short notice for fun things to do before dinner?

wow. this was a nice way to start the day:

Myspace Messae:

hey i am not trying to be an a**hole or anything. but can u quit talking to autumn cuz it seems lately that our relationship is going to hell because she keeps talking to you and were both very protective.

I'm going NOWHERE

not only is the majority of my car covered by a drift...but a snowplow just went by and completley blocked me from even getting in from the passenger side.

What should I write in my V-day card?

I'm not much of a card writer and my GF says I should write something in the card.

Rose are red
Horses say "neigh"
I'm looking forward
To a tf/bj

WTF?!?!?! The internet software at work is blocking blogspot...

or atleast my ability to log into a blog

"Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason: The Websense category "Sex" is filtered."

Looks like the end of TINA for me

what's sad is that I can see/read the blog... just not post to it

When I was a kid, my favorite jacket was

a bluejean jacket that was covered with iron-on patches of Freakies characters.



Just about every square inch of that jacket was covered with them. In addition to the iron-ons, I also had multiples of every magnet. The real prize, though, were the Freakies figurines. Those things were the best.

A plumber just fell through the attic ceiling!

This is not a joke. The plumber was here working on the addition and was working on the vent attic apparently and all of a sudden there was a loud crash.

Un gnikcuf believable.

Ford Escape

A 22 old girl turned in front of my daughter Thursday night. The girl was driving a Ford Escape. My daughter was driving a Ford Escape. After a few hrs at the hospital, they released her with a few bumps and bruises. I just saw the pictures of the her vehicle, after she downloaded them to me. It must be a solid vehicle, after seeing the pictures. A few feet farther back on the drivers side, she would have been in trouble.

Just got an order for a couple of books ...

... from someone who enclosed a note saying, "This depends on my approval of the books. If I think the books are just a bunch of BS and don't have a winning system, you'll be getting them back and I'll expect a full refund. If I like the books, maybe I'll order some others."

We'll be returning his check, and saying we don't sell on an approval basis.

My boss just gave me a very strange look

after he saw the cutout Robert Goulet mask taped to my wall.

DOING YOUR OWN TAXES, TYPICAL BETA

"BUT MY 1040 EZ IS SO EASY TO FILL OUT"

IF YUOR SCHEDULE D DOES NOT CONTAIN OVER 100 ENTRIES, YUO = LOSER

SMOOTHLIKEBUTTA
169% ALPHA MALE
FLYING SPUR (GOOGLE IT, BETA)
WARDROBE BY ZEGNA (ITALIAN TAILORED)
FRANCK MUELLER WATCH (YUO CAN NOT AFFORD)
7.5" UNCUT

SO VERY OWN ED!

I pulled a groin last night, and now, I feel like I have to puke.

Is that normal?

i heart camera phones

in college i was running back from the convienent store

and upon trying to leap a 3 step block, i sharted something fierce. running down my leg i hobbled back to my apartment complex and proceeded to use my socks and tshirt to clean up and dumped 100 percent of my clothes in the dumpster. id rather show up naked, than poopy

Why was I running? i was returning from the store with a much needed product

yes, i spent an serious amount of time with the tshirt, polo, and socks. upon my arrival, i told her i couldnt wait and just got naked in the hall. somehow she bought it. i told her i was insecure about my condom application and had to do it in the bathroom to check for addtional smears or dingles

worst part, was squatting in the parking lot of an apartment complex furiously wiping and looking around in the a 360 degree fasion as to not be noticed by an unruly mob coming home from the bars or something

i felt like a homeless crackhead

ok, here is a combo confession

with some humiliation

so i meet a girl and end up going back to her room, nothing happened except more excessive drinking and some making out....we fall asleep, or pass out

when i wake up, we are in classic spoon position, but are soaked from the waist down

i pop up and yell at her roomate..."what did you pour on us while we were sleeping!!!!"

then notice that i am drenched in the crotch region, and her in the butt region

yep, i peed on her

so i run out of there with my head hung low....leaving 4 dollars for laundry

i got arrested the following week, for stupid drunkin behavoir, including walking a "tightrope" and recreating the scene from the program where they lay on the yellow lines in the middle of the road....i run from the cops but end up in jail

anywho....to help pay for my fines, i have to get a job in the cafeteria, hair net, ove gloes, the whole shebang....replacing chow trays with some seriously gnarly coworker

one day i look up and see the roomate, she yells out to her friend accrss the dining hall, "isn't this the dude who pissed himself!?!?!"

and continued to berate me about not being able to control myself

i felt like hiding in my apron

instead, just said....yes

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.

In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out...But the worst thing I ever done -- I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa -- and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Dear manager,

Why don't you let me do the work I need to get done instead of insisting on me scheduling a million meetings that interfere with what I have to do and then getting your panties in a bunch because I haven't completed everything I need to get done!!! epiwssA!

Binge and Purge the soul:

I’m very depressed right now. Can’t sleep and just need to get these things out of my head and off my chest

.I’ve decided to give up the whole “weight loss kick”. I’ll continue just to eat less and if I lose it…fine. If I don’t…big deal. I don’t have the willpower to stick to working out (it just doesn’t happen quick enough for me. The only way I will truly lose weight that will satisfy is liposuction and I can’t really afford that at the moment...that or I could always pray to break my jaw and therefore have to go on a liquid diet). I am sick and tired of water and Coke Zero is starting to reach sucktitude (the aftertaste gets worse and worse). Instead it’s Lemonade and Tea for me (with sugar and not sugar substitute because the taste isn’t the same). I only did this weight loss kick because I thought it would help my self-esteem…well it hasn’t. As far as going to my 10 year H.S. reunion…screw it. I just don’t care anymore. I just figure life is too short to bust my ass for something that I know I’ll never achieve. And if I die of a massive coronary, so what…at least I died happy doing what I want.

Another reason is I thought it would help me with women. Hell…let’s be honest. Those that have seen me will attest to this…I couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse if I had $500. I mean…my mug could scare small children. So I guess it’s be celibate for the rest of my life because I don’t think I could be gay.

Another bit of truth here…the ‘Vette isn’t mine. Ron did buy it…but he’s fixing it up to sell. We actually came up with the idea of it being mine because we thought it would make people jealous and willing to offer up more $$$. Yeah…I’m pathetic.

So go ahead and ridicule me, everyone. I deserve it. But don’t worry…I won’t change much on the board. I won’t be mopey (except for this post…just need to purge).

Vday is costing me a grip

Vince Gill tickets (tues night)
Dinner
Ice skating
Flowers
Card
Espresso gift cert
Garcias heart shaped pizza for lunch
New red shirt
Wine for home
Firewood

this is NOT happening next year.

Crap...I'm out of beer

and don't feel like driving in the snow to get any more.

i just ate

a large cup of korean ramen, two peanut butter and honey sammiches and two diet code reds.

i can't move.

i'm going running tomorrow and weights.

i feel like a frog.

Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)

Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)
Good practice for when I show up someday ;O)

So I start to go in the last stall...

but there's a giant loaf floating on top of a big wad of toilet paper.

So I go in the next door stall. While I'm in there, some dufus from the building comes in, sees the gargantuan loaf and flushes.

Of course it overflows and floods the floor with turdwater.

ssabmud...

pwnt-------->>>

just got back from the carwarsh

front bay door was open, a crack

came around front of the van

smack! then slid completely under the vehicle.....as i TRIED to get back up, it was like curly tryin to navagate some cream pie spillage, all slippy and floppy.....as opposed to nimbly bimbly



i dont need the skin on my right hand anyway

there was a SHEET of ice in front of the car, the front bay door was up like 2 inches

i had the wand and was NOT focusing on the ground

seriously took me like 2 minutes to get footing

i was soaked and bleeding




i doused myself with it a few times trying to get up, then tossed it to the corner cause this was gonna take all four limbs to get up

like a deer on a frozen lake

HOOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!

Time to crack a beer.
Now it's time to find tables to match.

So the Fed Ex guy came barrelling down the road.

Went to the end of the development. Stopped. Looked around. Turned around. Came flying back by again. Left.

Mother effer!

Luckily, they claimed they'd call when they were within 20 minutes
They may have some trouble finding the back of my building, but otherwise, I expect to have the new couch by 4!

I had a similar deal when I had a TV delivered. They didn't show up for another hour and a half. My TV delivery dudes obviously weren't that smart.

Now I feel badly because it's taking so long. I do have $60 worth of twenties though... should I give them that?

stop being so perfect.

i mentioned the other day, that I really liked the music from the Sims video game.

today I find in my Jeep, a burned CD.

All the Sims music with a note.

Stop it

Got my transcripts in the mail from college

needed to fill out an application and one part of it was my hours (instead I just included the transcripts with the application instead of filling out the sheet.) Here's what my grades looked like:

Final GPA: 3.04

I had 3 D's (DBase Development, Finite Math, Statistics)

10 C's (Computer Problem Solving, Visual Basic Programming, Composition 2, Intermediate Algebra, Business Systems Designs, Writing For Professionals, Management Info Systems, Managerial Accounting, MacroEconomics, MicroEconomics)

14 B's

17 A's

I had 2 perfect semester (Fall of 98-99 and 99-00 Spring, but only had one real class that semester. The other "class" was an internship)

Reached the President's List 4 times

i am completely, totally and utterly...

down for the count.

i can't concentrate at all. i can only think of her.

I have it bad.

question? would you move somewhere with someone you've only been dating a year?

I'll post a few more tomorrow. Especially the interior and sides. Digital camera started beeping at me when I was taking them. Battery is low so I have to recharge it (last time I let my sister borrow my camera. She didn't even charge it for me and I gave her the charger when she borrowed it last week!)

I've been hiding a deep, dark secret that I need to share

I got a 1981 Corvette Stingray!!!!

That is all.

Feel free to go about your daily chores.

Have a cold sore....want to off myself

Try having multiple open sores in your nose.

Just paid $8,902 on an $89.02 cell phone bill

I even clicked it through the confirmation page

Catholics are Stupid!

Just kidding (sort of).

I have been knocked out 3 times in my life:

1. When I was 13 years old, I was at my buddy’s swimming pool. He was trying to show me how to do backwards dives into the pool. The first time I tried it, I didn’t spring far enough away from the edge and slammed my head into the sloped portion of the concrete bottom. My friend pulled me out. When I came to, he was laughing, and his older sister was crying and screaming at him for laughing at me.

2. About a month after I got my first real job in the big city of Memphis, I was out in the work parking lot helping a co-worker load some stuff into his car. I noticed a sword, some football pads and a football helmet in his car. When I asked him about it, he told me that he did medieval war re-enactments on the weekends. I got a chuckle out of it, so he offered to let me try it out. I put on the football helmet and he hit me as hard as he could with the stupid sword. I dropped like a sack of potatoes. When I came to, I told him that I didn’t want to play with him anymore.

3. About ten years later, I was out on a construction site watching a crew drill test borings for a project of mine. I actually had my hard hat on, but only because my client was also visiting the site and I wanted to look professional. While I was standing there, a 140-pound hammer came loose from the rig and fell about 10 feet, hitting me on the head. I then fell backwards into a 4-foot deep footing that, luckily, didn’t have any rebar sticking up. If it had, I might have been impaled. I don’t know which knocked me out: the hammer or the fall into the footing, but either way, it was lights out. The driller didn’t laugh though. He had messed up big time, and he thought he was going to get fired.

Why do I think dudes who do yoga are fruity?

It's really not fair, but I can't help it.

Now chowing down on:

I bought my cat an $8 cat toy

He is now currently playing with a $.50 golf ball.

I'll be peeing on his head later for this.

India

just got back from there, never did so much shopping there before:
1 pair bata shoes
1 pair bata slippers
1 pair bata sandals
1 authentic nike india odi cricket jersey
1 authentic nike bcci hat
6 cricket tennis balls
2 kurtas
2 dress shirts

Skyline Chili tastes like cloves and burnt hair

Is there some sort of idiots guide to getting in shape?

I mean, I really need the step-by-step diet and exercise plan laid out for me. I'm way to lazy to read the science behind everything and formulate my own plan.

I no longer want to be chunktastic.

I'm probably one of the easiest going guys you've ever met.

Crap, I even get along with my ex's b/f who was involved with her before we split up! Not to mention L.A.'s douchebag ex, POS excuse for a father.

But there is a guy who works in this firm whom I would love nothing more than to beat repeatedly with a baseball bat. This fat, lazy, arrogant prick sends me into a dark tailspin of murderous plotting every time I hear him heave a pathetic sigh of self-pity.

He easily outdistances Effin's annoying co-worker on my hate scale. In fact, he may be the only human being on the planet that I actually despise.

Weird.

anyone else feeling a lil heavy...

thanksgiving and xmas food catching up to me. i need to run more.
i have 5-7 pounds you can have...wanting to lose weight over Christmas break was probably not a realistic goal
gf calls it my seal layer of fat...she's so cute

Dear two co-workers,

Why are you still here?!?! You obviously showed up on time. It's now almost 5:30. Go home!!!

See I showed up and hour and a half late, but I want to leave now because I have nekkid Louisville cheerleader pics I need to get home and look at. If I leave before you, then it looks like really bad form on my part.

So go home!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I am in the bathroom stall about 10 minutes

ago just about to finish up and all of the sudden the power goes out. So I am left sitting on the pot in total darkness. I wait a minute or so hoping that it comes back on, but it doesn't. I then have to finish up feeling like Stevie Wonder hoping that I got it all off. How do blind people know when they're done wiping?

so usually i get the buzz cut, the

anthony edwards cut if you will.

i'm toying with the idea of leaving a bit on top to sort of comb. not a combover, mind you - but something that isn't quite as short as this:

i'm so effing sick...

of Caucasians claiming to be descendants of native Americans...

"I am not full blooded but am a descendent of the Seminole tribe they never had an objection to Florida State but I think the appropriate way would be to ask Coach Sampson what he prefers and use that."

Can you prove this? If so, who gives a EFF!!! Appearance and surnames are all that matter. If you don't have a dark tint to your skin, lived on a rez or have a name like "Calf Boss Ribs" (actual Marine I knew with that last name), then STFU. Seriously.

I bet I could trace my roots back to Japan and Mesoamerican South America, but am I effing expert on their cultural issues? NO!!

STFU!!!

Are you SO thirsty for some culture, that you are willing to grasp at straws and dna strands to give yourself some form of individuality?

FOR EFF SAKE, YOU'RE NOT NATIVE!!!