Quick little story to brighten your Friday

So I was driving back from my house closing yesterday in Champaign to my hometown which is about an hour away.

I was cruising along through the country at a pretty good clip when I see a horse buggy up in front of me cruising along. I naturally slow down and see that there are no oncoming cars, so I pass the woman and her horse in the other lane at approximately 35 MPH.

I look in my rear view mirror after I pass and notice that the lady is violently flipping me off. For some reason, I slam on the breaks, put it in reverse, and back up into about 50 feet of her.

I get out and ask her why she flipped me off. She hops off of her buggy thingy, and starts cursing me out calling me a "stupid mothereffer" and that I flew around her and I'm supposed to slow down, and didn't I see the slow sign on her buggy?

I ask her calmly, how fast is flying around her? Is 35 MPH ok? Does she have a radar gun on that thing? How fast do the cars go by her the other way? Faster than 35 MPH?

This only infuriates her more, and she starts cussing even more. I let her go on and on, just laughing. Then something pops in my head. It's Himey and CUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT.

So I scream it in a hilarious voice at her, and she goes apeshit. I start laughing at her uncontrollably. I hop back in my truck and drive off laughing.

Cool story bro.

Is the wife putting on weight?

My old classmate (a softball coach) who started getting with the librarian about a year or so ago has out on probably 50 lbs. my friend is still smaller than the librarian, but man. She had gotten herself fit and into shape then blew up again.

An unfortunate incident in the men's room

I'm sure you men can identify. While approaching the urinal, I accidentally let fly while it was cocked to one side, peeing on the leg of the guy next to me. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice.

There was a partition, but the geometry was jusssst right. Maybe I need to draw a diagram showing angle measurements and stream velocity.

This isn't a good sign for some that believe these are the first signals of the point of no return

with regards to our warming atmosphere.

Huge extremes with more frequent heavy precip snow and rain.

Bad planting season so far for sure.

Major Update: They start couples counseling on Monday.

1. He isn't gay.

OK I don't *actually* know that, but I really don't think it's the case. I just think they don't actually think they like eachother.

2. She got home from work around 3, he came in around 4 from all day drinking and was completely HAMMERED. He works some weekends so he'll have random days off during the week. They got in a fight, he starting telling her she'd be nothing without him, she left and met me at the bar. (ps, thanks for buying me that drink deflef!)

3. Neither of them make the other a priority. And they have no communication whatsoever. Obvs.

4. I brought up the cheating thing....and that's when she started crying.

5. I was honest with her on my thoughts and opinions. I told her that I would be here for her but this shit has to stop. She needs to set boundaries and if he crosses those, there has to be repercussions or nothing is going to change.

6. As I learned on Intervention, if there is no change, there is no change.

Not this particular situation but lame stuff keeps happening

I mean it's normal for your husband to get a text from a random # saying, I miss you, when you are staying over again? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

Ugh.

He only likes BJs. And before him she was quite promiscuous. But her previous boyfriend died of cancer so she was going through quite a bit emotionally when she met current husband.

So, who started cheating first? Before or after they got married? Has she been faithful to him? I chose not to answer. There is so much more crazy about it. I'll save it though.

I can confirm 100% she is a woman. It's not an appropriate story to tell strangers

I think that is mostly it. It's all been true. No lies

ALSO.

He is pissed at her and being soooo defensive with her and doesn't understand why in the WORLD she would be upset about this. And when she is out with me or other friends, he texts her like every hour to check in.

ugh.

Let's say you go to bed one night before your spouse, you wake up at 5:30am and they aren't in bed

so you go to look in the living room and they aren't there either. You immediately panic and call their cell phone. They don't answer. You then continue to freak out and keep calling.  They call you at 7:30 to tell you they were just at their friends house all night.

How would that make you feel?

I realize I'm giving you all limited information here but I would be angry.

And no, he was safe and sound with me this morning.

So apparently I've been mis-hearing the lyrics to "Margaritaville" since 1977

I was at a trivia contest the other night and in the "Next Lyric" category they played "wasting away again in Margaritaville........"

I've probably heard this song >100 times since it came out in 1977 and I've ALWAYS thought the next line was "...searching for my lost Chigger saw." I don't know what a Chigger saw is, but that is how 11 year old me heard it and I've never corrected it in my head. There were times when I wondered to myself what a Chigger saw was and rationalized that it was some fancy brand name chainsaw that people used on tropical islands to cut down palm trees that blocked their view of the ocean.

When the team captain wrote "searching for my lost shaker of salt", I thought he was crazy. When the other team members backed him up, I just played it off like I was joking. Of course, they were right (I googled it later to prove it to myself) and I was wrong. Thinking about it, I guess their lyric does make a little more sense.

i just gassed the coughing bathroom asshat again

smell my ass you ####ing twat.

Adfession: I am kind of a purebred dog snob

even though I wish I wasn't, although I am somewhat anti-breeder, and insist on getting a dog from a rescue group. While at the same time, I think anyone who pays money for a cat, especially a specialty breed, is a crazy person.

Do you ever forget to dry certain body parts after showering?

I routinely forget to dry my elbows, even though I have a rain man-like drying pattern. And sometimes I forget to dry my ass...then I'm reminded when I put my drawers on.

Viv's Chili

INGREDIENTS:

- 4 can Tomato Sauce
- 1 Habanero Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Seranno Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Jalapeno Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Anaheim Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 2 Poblano Pepper, Coarsely Chopped
- 5 cloves Garlic, Minced
- 1 Onion, Chopped
- 2 lbs. 93% Lean Ground Serloin
- 1 lb. Ribeye Steak, 3/8" Cubed
- Chili Powder
- Cayenne
- Cumin
- Paprikia
- 3 can Whole Tomatoes
- 1/2 bar Bakers Bittersweet or Semi-Sweet Chocolate, Chopped
- 1 can Dark Kidney Beans
- 1 can White Kidney Beans
- 1 can Black Beans

METHOD:

1. Prepare Peppers Remove seeds and coarsely chop the peppers. Always wear gloves for this step.

2. Simmer Heat Base In medium sauce pan, add 3 cans of tomato sauce, and the chopped peppers. Simmer on very low heat for 45 minutes.

3. Cube Steak Cube the ribeye into 3/8" Cubes. It's easiest to do this when the steak is slightly frozen.

4. Chop onion and mince garlic

5. Start the gravy base In a very large, lightly oiled pot, brown the garlic and onion. Once fragrant and browned, add the ground sirloin and ribeye steak. As meat browns, add spices to taste.

6. Add more tomato Once the meat is browned, add 3 cans of whole tomatoes and 1 can of tomato sauce.

7. Add heat base to gravy base Once the heat base is finished simmering, put the entire mixture into a blender and blend until smooth. Once blended, add to the large pot with the gravy base.

8. Add chopped bakers bar of chocolate.

9. Add beans Wash and drain all of the beans. Add to the pot.

10. Simmer for at least 2 hours Stir occasionally. I do it once every half hour.

Agggghhhh... just got this email from someone at work.

"Are you dating someone and/or committed, if not, are you open to a blind date, I know of someone that is interested and am playing somewhat of a match maker. Just asking, tell me to butt out if you want to, I will understand but take this as a compliment also."

I know who the chick is and she is probably 220 lbs. I try to be nice to her at work... but seriously... Does she really think she has a chance?

Agggghhhh. 

I put a lock on my dial phone years ago

My kids in HS picked it and ran my phone bill over $100. Mrs told them we didn't have the money if they did it again. They had boy and girlfriends. I think my wife threatened them with physical violence. It worked, whatever.

fine...this is valid....and while im still on vacation and have a few toilet minutes let me tell you

a story

a few weeks ago i met one of my best friends boss...he is a warehouse manager...we met for beers and i cant remember if he had more teeth or hair...yet we had a couple laughs and in about 20 minutes and after him showing genuine interest in where i live i learned that one of my neighbors had a handicapped son and this guy helped install a ramp in their home....free of charge...they supplied the wood and he did the project...even took a vacation day as the job was bigger than expected...we decided on a venue change and had to swing by his place for a beer while he let out his dogs....i popped in with him and learned he is a foster home...something he learned from the stepdaughter he took cared for when she had to leave her dog when she joined the armed forces...i saw the one larger black lab never left his hip....he was blind and the one dog he chose to adopt and he is that dogs world

these are just a couple stories i learned about this dude in a couple of hours on a weekday

these are the people he feels he is superior to

when the initial comment was made by him i waited for a retract.....ive never piled on but i have questioned him on many occaision...i know he likes or maybe needs to speak in hyperbole or just likes to make outlandish statements....but he stuck to this one

asked a handful of times he stuck to it....even later dropping some kind of clarification about just having a degree from the u of i automatically puts people like 25% better than the population....prolly not and exact quote but close enough

aside from the fact that living in champaign i can say with 100% certainty that there are so so many folks with a dgree from here are just horrible people....the automatic judgement and belief of being superior to so many fantastic people sight unseen is disgusting to me

now when i log off this board i carry on with my life.....but this stuck with me

wtf

during the time of asking follow up questions through the years....i know nothing of substance of the man

sure i know that he is a chameleon....move to sf be all the things sf....move to seattle becomes all the things seattle....watch the olypimcs...become all the things curling....catch a soccer match and become all the things sounders....catch kyfall and now daniel craig is his style idol...etc

i cant recall anecdotes or childhood stories or really anything shared of substance through the years...

he is yelp....he is internet comments....i see spikeball...i play spikeball....i see finally 100 people wearing a skinnier tie...i wear a skinnier tie

i cant wrap my brain around it....but its an odd combo of self loathing and self absorbtion....but overall just empty

but i dont hate the guy i dont really like the guy i dont feel sadness i dont feel pity....i dont "feel" anything....and thats what my issue is

so congrats.  comments like "after being a bachelor for 48 hours im bored to tears" and you views on marriage and cohabing being basically roommates finally make sense to me

so i wont ask follow up questions....ill even stop with a jabs but you wanted an answer and you now have it

Would you screw a goat

if it guaranteed a national title (hoops or football)? 2 of my Purdue buddies said they would (for Purdue that is)

It was cold as #### and I was depressed and gassy. I ripped one off and she finally woke up and got her sorry ass out of bed. She offered to make breakfast, but I told her I'd rather have a Pabst and a Marlboro red. She started crying and got that shitty sniffly thing going that always bugged the shit of me, so I told her I was sorry and pity ####ed her. She fell asleep again until I turned on some KISS really loud and woke her up. She stormed out and I never saw her again. I still think of that b###h every time I hear Detroit Rock City...####ing shinobi..

have you ever made a silly putty stache?

everything was going great until I saw the enormous wizard sleeve.

lets just say nien nunb is her copilot

Looks like someone started butterflying a pork chop but the phone rang and it was Claire (and you know how you can never get Claire off the phone in less than 15 minutes)...the time just flew and the pork chop was all forgotten.

its like someone put a black cat in a hot pocket i had a brief moment where i wanted to head to sesame street and see if snuffy was OK

They come in all shapes and sizes. Some look like an open faced roast beef sandwich and some look like a shaved baby.

if you take her for a ride in the car and put the windows down...

her canoe has a big fat dude in a trench coat at the helm

cause when its time to hit the throws of passion


and you are either down or not....its unfortunate and most guys will suit up but it must be tough goin

and shes all


nope....sometimes you just bring a girl home and its all....predator face
just happens
you just deal

going down on her would be like taking a photograph in the 1800s

OK, now even I have a renob