DAMMIT! My poop schedule changed. :(

For 2 years, like clockwork: Once a day, in the morning, right before my shower.

I guess my body decided it likes mid-morning better. kcuF! I hate the work-poop.

i saw a couple in the park...snuggling under a tree

at 3 this afternoon as i walked the kids to the pool...at 4:30 on the way home, they were still there...dry humping. at 8:30, after the kids were down, i took a bike ride and noticed them still there. a little poke-in-the-park, i guess. but to recap...they were laying under a tree in a park for at least 5.5 hours...no blanket, or anything else, from what i could tell.

One time, in 7th grade I think, I got an erection while practicing the piano

Unfamiliar with erections as this was maybe one of the first 5, I couldn't stop looking at it. I would play some Fur Elise, then stop and look at teh boner. Finally, I extended it out from my shorts to get a better view of my new found firmness. I just kept staring at it, half excited, half WTF?

Unbeknownst to me, my mom had let my neighbor friend Kelli in the back door. "He's practicing piano in the living room... go on in". Kelli decided to sneak up on me, so she slowly peeked her head through the doorway from the dining room. To this day, although I remain good friends with her as she married one of my high school friends - I don't know what she saw. It wasn't for a lack of sleuthing on my part. I stood where she stood many times to see if her viewing angle past the piano brought my shorts-clearing erection into plain sight. Touch and go.

Almost Got Into A Car Accident Lastnight

Thanks to a ssakcaj pedestrian.

So I'm headed down Halsted towards the Clark/Halsted light and this pedestrian decides to cross against the light across Halsted (I have a green). I honk at him and he looks at me like I'm the idiot and keeps walking, so I have to go a little into the left turn lane to get around him. As I'm getting into the intersection, the light turns yellow and there are two cars in the left turn lane coming towards me. So now I'm in the intersection and the first car must have assumed I was turning left (I didn't have a signal on) and turns left in front of me, so I have to slow and go to the left of that car, then I start to head back to the right and the other car turns left in front of me. It was just a complete disaster all around and all thakns to one rude pedestrian.

almost got in a road rage fight...

will post details later.

effing punk ass mommas boy. you're not from NY, so take that hat off. you're from freaking mahomet.

the car you're driving has a "my daughter is an honor rol student" on it. maybe thats your moms bmw.

give me a reason you wanna be

So I am taking my afternoon deuce,

and am all out of sorts anyway (I am in a different one of our offices and thus removed from my home-field rettihs), when a guy makes himself at home in the stall right next to me (my issues with this lack of spacing shall be left for another day). Now, I am have a particularly fiber-rich day, and am feeling much lighter by the time this guy sits down. As I hear him choosing his stall, I give a courtesy flush--more for a warning than a courtesy. He doesn't hear it (and I now hope it is because he's deaf, for reasons that will soon become apparent).

So again, this guy settles into the stall next to me an unapologetically begins to thrash his toilet. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am both impressed by him and scared for him, simultaneously. After he gets done carpetbombing the bowl for the second time, I decide that he is not going to do that next to me without a fight. So I settle in for a retaliatory strike.

I get the proper colon angle, I let the pressure build, I feel an overwhelming bubble form, and then I momentarily rejoice in a feeling of pride that comes with knowing that I am gonna blow the door off the stall and get even with this guy.

So there I am, locked and loaded, waiting for my moment and the thunderous boom that will follow, and then . . . I let out the highest-pitched, squeel of a fart I have ever heard. It lasted for about 4-6 seconds followed by an internal deflation that I can only imagine was the rest of my bubble deciding it did not want to be part of this sissy show and ran to my small intestine to wait for a more manly display.

Needless to say, I wiped while wallowing in my shame and dissappointment--followed shortly thereafter by a quick handwash--before exiting the scene of the crime as quickly and descretely as possible. I do not deserve my testicles.

I had a cat that did this. Easy solution:

- purchase a burlap sack

- place said cat in burlap sack

- throw burlap sack in large body of water

The only good cat is a dead cat.

Also, to summarize this, since I'm going to bed, here's a story

from my childhood you guys would definitely not approve of, in light of the information in this thread.

When I was 5 years old, I was playing on the playground one time, and a larger, older boy started picking on me, verbally and physically. I started crying. His mom, in an act of fantastic parenting, was smirking and not doing anything.

My dad, who's a lifelong pacifist and a very calm person decided to not resolve this issue as an adult. Instead, he got into the other kid's face and said, "if you don't stop picking on my son right now, I'll rip your head off and put it back on backwards, and you'll be that way for the rest of your life".

Needless to say the kid stopped.

there's no excuse for anyone graduating from UIUC these days and not starting at 50k at least.

you gotta be some sorta loser to not be pulling at least 50k with your first job these days.

i will clarify that i don't recognize any degrees from LAS and ACES as actual valid college degrees, so that excludes you guys from the group, unless these degrees are used to go directly to a med or law school type thing.

god dont even get me started on teachers. if you pursue a teaching career, youve given up on life

I nearly quit my job this morning.

...then I remembered I couldn't afford it.

Teaching something I don't know for 5 days to three Indians who don't know my language is gonna be a fuckin' blast.

Dots. None of them were signedup for the course. They just showed up.

FROM INDIA!

I stood in my bosses office for ten minutes realizing that my only two options were teach this class (which I am not qualified to be teaching) or quit.

I know what I wanted to do.

I just met Tony Dungy

He is signing his new children's book here in Tampa. He saw my Illini shirt and asked if I'm from there and I said 'yes'. I lied to Tony Dungy!!!! Anyways, I also said that I'm a Bears fan and that if we had to lose to anyone, I'd prefer his Colts. No lie there. Nice guy. Soft spoken / demeanor. This is my greatest brush with fame, ever

July 10, 2007

Happy Chastiversary to me!!!!!

What, it's possible I'll do it again someday.

So, I had a "peeping tom" last night.

At about 11, me and Dude are sitting in my room, I'm copyediting and he's reading, when we hear this loud *THUD* outside my window/corner of the house. My first thought was that my roommate drove into the side of the house or something and his was that someone was trying to break into my garage.

So he runs outside with a hammer (since I didn't have a bat!) and sees a wayward cinder block leaning up against the house below one of my bedroom windows. He yells at me to get my phone ready to call the cops. He grabs a flashlight from his car and flashes it down that side of the house and has he does that someone (or something at this point) hits the neighbor's fence and supposedly hops over and runs off.

I grab the phone and try the non-emergency number a couple of times (I didn't think too much of it yet at this point) and my sister says screw this and dials 911. They send two cops out right away as we're looking over the side of the house. We also find what looks like a pry mark on one of my windows and another large rock below one of my other windows. So now we're thinking attempted burglary. The cops take some pics and look around. Female cop leaves.

Male cop then comes in and questions us and gets our contact info. He says they obviously don't have any suspects right now, but they'll let us know if they find anything and they'll patrol our block all night.

Cop walks out the door and BAM! Dude is standing by the side of the house with his pants undone. Another cop arrests him and hauls him off. First cop comes back in and tells us what's going on and says he's going to come back and try to lift some prints from my windows. Turns out the arrest this guy regularly on peeping tom charges, but this time they're going to get him hopefully for burglary and put him away for a while.

I didn't sleep most of the night.

I lived in Boulder the summer of 1997,

about 6 months after the murder. We lived about 3 blocks from the Ramsay house. After a long night of drinking, my friend and I decided to go over to the Ramsay house at about 5:30 am and take a entire roll of pictures of us doing random things in front of the Ramsay house. So I've got an entire roll of film of us mowing their lawn, watering their flowers, folding laundry, talking on the phone, shaving, etc.,

ive peed on three girls

while passed out

first one was a surprise.....woke up in a dorm room my freshman year CONVINCED that someone poured a beer on us while we were sleeping

when i realized i was only wet on the crotcheral region....and her ass was soaked i put 2 and 2 together

i just said NO WAY then ran out of the room

i gave her laundry money later on in the day

the other 2 stories are a lot more douchy


3rd time the girls father came by to pick her up to take her home

we overslept by a solid 2 hours

i had to hop out of the window

as i was hopping out she yells out OH MY GOD YOU PEED THE BED

i looked back and said....or you did!!! no time for this your dad is here!!!

sorry

then vamped

ive never had a "walk of shame" cause well im a guy.....but waling accross campus on the weekend in broad daylight with a perfect circle of wetness isnt cool

Cute girl I had met

up with a couple of times with groups of friends and I decided to go out and have some drinks ourselves. Things are going really well and we end up going back to her place. We are on her couch and watching a movie and stuff and we continue drinking. Her rommate comes home, interrupts us for a few minutes, and we basically just pass out. I was laying on the floor on a pillow and she on the couch. About an hour or two I'm awakened by rustling only to look up and see the girl pulling her pants down and peeing on her own couch. I went to her roommates bedroom door, knocked on it, told her that they had a cleanup ahead of them, and left.

When I was in first grade,

I was the only kid who didn't get a handwriting award cause I was late on my fine motor skill development. It made me work harder on my handwriting. I turned out ok.

I am concerned about my 6 y.o. son

The woman who lives with me was speaking to our 10 y.o. about a girl in his class. The 6 y.o. asked, "is that the one who always wears a choker?"



I asked, "how do you know about chokers?" He said that he just knows. This is the son who also does a very good job coordinating his clothes' colors.

I replied, "don't worry about chokers and stuff like that. If you need something to do, memorize Super Bowl trivia. Now, go get ready for soccer camp."

Interestingly, he may very well be the best athlete of the 3 older boys.

Remember that time you took a girl home one night?

Me either.

Chicago women are effin ridiculous

They all think they are so much more attractive and cooler than they actually are. It's preposterous, just because dudes flirt with you when you are out at a bar doesn't mean you are amazing. It seems like every girl in Chicago thinks she is so much more attractive than she actually is. Never seen anything like this.