That stupid thing is STILL missing, and I really could've used it last night. :(

I mean WTF? FAKE WIENERS DO NOT JUST WALK OFF, PEOPLE!

i was 1 min from sleep when i saw this.

serious poll. arthur kirkland vs. k-9 unit german shepherd
lets end the debate

got up and took a mac cam pic so that the debate can at least be an educated one.

question: when i rub my dog Lola's belly and invariably stroke a elppin to and fro

am i in any way pleasuring her like i have so many women in the past (before mrs.)?

i only raise the question because the other night, i swear i saw Lo smile.

Well, my fake wiener is MIA

Wonder where my children put it?

Re: To all my friends without children

Trying to explain myself a little bit here. Sorry so many of of misinterpreted what I was saying and I'm troubled (honestly) that you found it patronizing. IF you poke around at some of the other posts, and my bio, you'll see I'm a standup comic and a comedy writer.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 2:24 am
careful there friend, keep it up and you just might EARN AN ENEMY!

Quant July 14, 2011 at 9:29 am
Will this turn into a giant orgy?

CHEF-D July 14, 2011 at 9:39 am
I KNOW NONE OF YOU GET SEX

Phil July 14, 2011 at 9:48 am
14th and Minna. Bring a baggie.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 10:16 am
Jason, long time reader, first time commenter. So sorry that your comments were misinterpreted by the people. They obviously should not be allowed to breed…slowly, or even all.
Keep up the good work. Girls, PM me. /s/ bbonb

kristin July 14, 2011 at 11:14 am
There will always be someone (or several someones) who will find something to get on a soap-box about no matter what. I think I can safely say that most of us knew exactly what you meant and thought it was a great article. You sound like a great parent.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 11:15 am
after a perusal of your blog here….ive noticed there are no posts about delightful rotund boots…not even delving into their societal persecution vs the ability for it to break a man down to their vunerable core with just the sight of it…
this along will make at least the digs happy and if you make the digs happy god kisses the bellies of 10 random babies
you dont hate babies do you?

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 11:25 am
kristin sounds hott*

taz July 14, 2011 at 11:38 am
pics of kristin plz

Melanie July 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm
As someone without children I love all of your blog, and totally understood where you were coming from. People need to lighten up. I am very understanding of my friends with little ones. And I get that mid conversation sometimes they are going to have to run or hang up the phone. Thanks for a great blog and your honesty.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm
what size jeans do you wear melanie?
*wink*

Isher July 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Wait, that was supposed to be a humor column? That’s even worse since it was pretty painfully unfunny.

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
The Internet. Encouraging people to intentionally misunderstand each other since 1990.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Melanie,
In case you were wondering, I have latex-free gloves back at my pad.

Mr Papa Del July 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
How long does a dude have to wait for a nice, well-cooked frank? Just an FYI, Im finna throw a big fit soon if I dont get one.

Art July 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Nothing about humans fightin’ bears or chimps? This blog bores me.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm
@Art – I’ve fought every sort of dog on the planet, and I bet I could take a bear or a chimp, if push came to shove. It’s a matter of will to live.

C0LT July 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Me and Mrs. C0lt have kids. Back when we were first married our friends wanted to go to the drive in and have some malteds. We said no. Malteds taste good.

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Hi Jason
Don’t worry about these idiots. After a quick google search, it looks like they are just a bunch of ####s. Harmless little gnats.
Keep up the good work.
Terry

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm
if i had a friend like you i would fight you at a gas station in funkhouser.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm
mr dad meet me at the gas station in oquawka and i will fight you.

Jeff Frank July 14, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hi Jason. I enjoyed the column. I am one of the single guys who feels sorry for my friends when they get married and have kids and can rarely do anything and when they want to need to get permission to do it.
Just ignore the invaders. That is a board where most of the the negative malcontents migrated. Many of them were kicked off of other boards for their poor behavior. Condescension surrounds them like the cloud that surround Pigpen.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:52 pm
jeff frank you insulted me for the last time. i will fight you at a gas station in chittyville.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm
@Jeff – “…when they want to need to get permission…?” Who taught you English? Go back to your three television set-up for your DVR-delayed game-watching.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:01 pm
How about kids on planes? Slap them, then the parents.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Jeff Frank puts the hot dogs on first…

terpjay July 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Guys, I think Jason is just trying to be humorous. I don’t think he really puts on the hotdogs first!

taz July 14, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I can poop rainbows.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 8:35 pm
There’s nothing (cm) about this blog.
Hey, Jason….we should compare routines sometime!

NOVA July 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Reminder: you are allowed fo have a civil discussion of Jason’s record as a parent but any speculation about his future, or posting of unsubtantiated rumors about his kids are against the FAQ.
You are being watched.

BirdyEdwards July 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm
3 Things:
1. You should try
5.

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Jesus, don’t you people have a ####ing life? Oh, wait. You don’t. That’s obvious after taking a quick look at your “message board”.
A quick review of discussion topics?
1. “Who is Hotter?” – a bunch of sex-deprived grown men rate two attractive women and cast their vote for which one they would will be jerking off to later tonight.
2. “I got a $50 gift card at Pepboys” – enough said. Go #### yourself with that new tire iron you pick up, okay?
3. Random “I watch this TV show and that TV show” shit.
4. “I lost my dildo” – maybe this poster should meet up with some of the posters from 1.
5. “My girlfriend dumped me because I have a small dick. What should I do?” #### you.
And the list goes on.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm
mr dad you should know who you mess with before you talk. i will fight you at the gas station in banklick.
espn talking like larussa not coming back.

CHEF D July 14, 2011 at 9:18 pm
OPIEZ SHOULD THINK OF THEIR FAMILIES BEFORE YUO FOOLISHLY STEP.
CHEF D,
COOKIN UP TROUBLE FO WHITEY

Philo July 14, 2011 at 9:40 pm
This blog reminds me of one time when I was in the third grade. The nuns told my mom that I shouldn’t make fun of people who were dumber than me. I cried. The end.

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Have a next door neighbor who has a blog. Kid puts videos up on youtube. The kid isn’t funny. He should try to be a waiter at wild wings. Had big beers on the way home. Cicadas going nuts outside. Lifes good.

roughyorange July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
this season is going to suck

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Mr. Dad, if you find my lost fake wiener, will you let me know? Thanks!

jumpingdan July 14, 2011 at 9:47 pm
please post pictures of the hotdogs!

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:48 pm
This blog reminds me of my boobs: it’s awesome, it has a white background, and I’m going to show most of it to everyone I know.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Crap, I thought for sure Jackie wouldn’t find me here….

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
egypt!

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Jackie
Sounds like your snatch, too. It’s open to everyone.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Everyone except YOU LOSERS.
And my butt is, of course, being saved for somebody special.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Don’t tell Jackie I’m hiding out here. She’s gonna burn out my motor. Again.

wikipediabrown July 14, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Looks like our precious Michelle Bachman doesn’t like brown people

PMan July 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm
As a brown American, I am offended.

Donutz July 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm
As we had said all along Jason Good isn’t While other have said he was mediocre at best we have always maintained that he was terrible. Comedy is fluid so we reserve the right to say something later and claim that we have known it all along.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm
BURN ON MY SNATCH!

chilango July 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I noticed your post about shoes. Don’t you realize man isn’t physiologically designed to wear shoes?

Dee July 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Anyone have some ranch?

SF July 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Anyone know where to find some good Ceviche?

mhock July 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm
If anyone grills hot dogs before I get my ribeye, I will sue the crap out of them. Don’t believe me? Just freakin try me. I swear I’ll sue. Just ask brumby. He knows me. I’ll sue.

VIV July 14, 2011 at 10:34 pm
If I have time later I will make a nice reduction sauce for the hot dogs using a mixture of spices I keep in a tuperware container.

deux July 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Who is hotter?: kristin or Melanie

gig July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
I hate the spin doctors, who listened to that crap anyway?

Taylor Ittu July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Dude, I feel your pain. Like deja vu seriously.

pdx July 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm
@ Jackie – please post pics of anything that’s awesome and has a white background.

Holly July 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Seriously no more comments. My blog doesn’t have enough space for any more.

Isher July 14, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Nice Laydown

Detlef July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
FIRE MR. DAD! *pounds on desk* DEMAND EXCELLENCE!

Yoyo July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Nice laydown

Brumby July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
If you merge your site with the News-Gazette then all these creeps will go away.
Plus, I’m pretty sure they’d give you a column.

NAX July 14, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Does anyone here know anything about Orland Park?
thanks. just wondering.

Group Guy July 14, 2011 at 11:02 pm
You have a great business model here.
I should know, I got my MBA from Kellog.
I’m working on a JD from General Mills.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Has anyone seen my wolftie?

allesandranrojo July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I hast token a loads off.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm
CHOKEONACOCK!!

Isher July 14, 2011 at 11:12 pm
Telling

gig July 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm
no reduction sauce for my wiener!!!

Simmering July 14, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Free show on Saturday night at Canopy Club.
Hope to see you all there, should be a great time!

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
I have both Ass and Sin in my name
Whats my name ?

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Marcus aint a friend

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Fff

Bruceweberforprez July 14, 2011 at 11:28 pm
We had a calf a couple days ago. Anyone seen it?

BBMDL July 14, 2011 at 11:31 pm
I BET NONE OF YOU LIFT WEIGHTS!

thank you Orange roughy....

You just totally embarrassed me on another board, but thats ok. I guess if that makes you feel any better then sobeit. if you thought i did the same thing, then i guess you got me back. Now, you have made it impossible for myself to have any credibility, but thats ok because it makes you feel better. Why dont you go ahead and embarrass me on the scout board while you are at it? Might as well try to destroy me in every way possible. You win because you have the power of your own blog. I guess some people have to read it and listen.

you dont want to know what "being owned" is trust me you better make that last word you ever say to me you got me???

Him saying that i was "being owned" was the wrong thing to say to me right now. It's one thing to say i got you back for what you said, but to take it a step forward and saying you are "owning" me, thats throwing the first punch and all you did is piss me off even more.

going through a few orphan garage boxes..

and, while it's hard to remember when ( it was before mrs), i actually purchased in-line roller skates when i was living in seattle. i don't think i ever used them. now i need to dispose of them, murder-weapon style.

mrs' laughing escalated quickly to a near wheezing.

me (squirming a bit): " er, WHOSE are those? "
mrs: don't even try.
me: "wha...? what makes you think those are mine?"
mrs: "because i can fit my head in them?"
pwned.

4 women who made a big impression on me as a little kid

Baseball Playing Gayne: In the early seventies, there were no organized sports in Philo for young girls. And a girl had never asked to be allowed to play Little League baseball. I’m guessing that her parents talked it out with the folks in charge beforehand, because when we gathered for our first practice one year, Gayne showed up and acted as if she had every right in the world to be there. We laughed about it a little bit, but I don’t remember anyone giving her any grief. It had never occurred to us that a girl would ever want to play on a real team. We were only 8 or 9 years old, so it wasn’t like there was a huge talent difference between Gayne and us boys. The next year, a couple more girls played. Years later, they added softball. Gayne broke the gender barrier in Philo sports.

Craig’s mom: One day during recess, we were playing buck-buck on the school playground. We weren’t supposed to be playing because the nuns said it was too dangerous. Craig lived about a block away, and during lunch that day, his mom walked down to drop off his lunch. It was 30+ years ago, but I still remember her walking up wearing an orange tank top with no bra underneath. Every boy just stood there and stared while she and Craig talked along the side of the road. You would have thought we were all staring at a naked woman.

Mizz Whats-her-name: When I was in 3rd grade, I was pulled out of my regular classroom to work on the pronunciation of my N’s and S’s with the speech teacher. For part of the year, the teacher’s name was Ms. Something. The unusual thing about this is that NO ONE had ever been called “Mizz” before. It was always Mrs. or Miss. I remember her taking a few minutes to give us a mini lesson in women’s lib and to explain what being called “Mizz Such-and-such” meant. It was like she had invented a new word or something. I couldn’t wait to go home and tell mom about it.

Next door neighbor Tammy: One day when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was playing in the lot next door with some neighbor kids, including Tammy, who was probably 5 years older than me. The lot included a garden full of sweet corn. I had to go pee, so I walked over to the corn. Tammy told me that I had to try to run around the entire corn “field” *while* I was peeing. I don’t remember her daring me to do it – she just told me matter-of-factly that I had to. I did it, and I remember getting pee all over me, including in my mouth. I started crying and Tammy told me that if I told anyone what happened, that she would kill me. I kept my mouth shut, which is what I should have done while I was peeing. I was scared of not only Tammy, but of her whole family. More than once, her dad told me the story of how he got shot in the mouth during "the war". The bullet knocked out all his 4 front teeth and lodged in the back of this throat. Tammy's older brother Mike went to Vietnam. When he came back, he had a tattoo and an earing. He was the first guy I had ever seen with an earing. It freaked me out.

Too sexy for my office

My poor boss had to deliver the uncomfortable message that someone had complained that my appearance is "distracting."

It's a fitting dress with some exposed cleavage. I've worn it before. And I've worn tops with more objectionable cleavage. *shrug

So we're at the Schmucks this afternoon

and I'm in the checkout. I've let the girls go over to the candy and gum machines to spend a couple of quarters so I can have a moment's peace.

Suddenly, J-Train runs over to me, sobbing, and thrusts something in my face and yells "I DIDN'T WANT THIS!!!!"

I'm all, "What?" and take the ball from her and look. It appears to be just a plastic black and gold striped ball, about the size of a big meatball. I ask, "What is it?"

She yells, "It's a stupid ball! I put my quarters in the wrong machine, and I want more money so I can get something else!"

I said, "I'm sure you're disappointed, but you're not getting more money. You'll just have to be more careful next time with your quarters."

I turn the ball over and see a Mizzou logo.

Then I add, "Eww, Mizzou! I gotta admit, kid, you did get super ripped off here."