my wife just texted me very excited that she just saw the Wienermobile.

Wish she'd get that excited with mine.

So the chef at the choppy table tonight assumed I was married to my MIL and LA was our daughter.

And apparently all the kids were my grandkids. The MIL is about 10 years older than I am, and LA is about 10 years younger.

I can't wait until the preacher/officiant makes the same mistake with Tiki.

my mustard seed story

when i was a bachelor, moons ago, and working at the U of Washington, i "hosted" visiting students from Japan all the time. My favorite was a kid named Hiro ( his name was longer, but fuck me if i could say it ) . American hosts were to sort of grease the skids for the nOObs, take them shopping, show them historic sights, help them set up bank accounts, etc...

of course, i took my duties to mean getting them throw-up drunk and parading them around tit bars, paying for the nastiest ones to dry hump them in the corner. and that was just the first night.

but enough about me.

one day around noon, i'm driving Hiro back from Portland to Seattle and we stop off at a family diner joint halfway called The Mustard Seed. Hiro says he needs to use the unisex bathroom, so I at least grab a coffee to pay for the gesture. He's out a few minutes later and the waitress/owner goes in right after him. Five seconds later, she comes out yelling, accusing Hiro of fouling up the joint. Shit's everywhere. I guess he corked it, the water overflowed and he scrambled out of there like nothing happened.

We break for the car and I say " Hiro, what gives? "

"Oh, I sorry, I made mess in there. "

Of course I'm conflicted, you moron, I'm a celibate middle-aged single broad with the libido of a teenage boy. Do the math.

Senators vote on policies...policies are made up of ideas..

Explain why someone isnt "smart enough" to vote on whether an idea is good for the country, or bad?

Are you f'n serious?

Should government be reserved for only those that go to Ivy League schools?

Newsflash for ya - Politicians arent curing cancer in Washington. They arent developing nuclear weapons. They arent performing brain surgery.

They are simply voting on how to spend taxpayer money. Thats it. How smart do you have to be (and how exactly are you measuring this) to make votes?

Do you know how many liberals that voted for the health care crap didnt even read the bill????? AND you want to say Sarah Palin and Christine O'donnell arent 'smart enough' to be politicians?

GMAFB.

As God as my witness it just occurred to me for the first time in my life that the Trans-Siberian Orchestra may not actually be from Siberia

LAM. I just figured out how to make in a noose in about 10 seconds.

The wife wanted several to hang some small skeletons about the house and I looked it up online and found out how. Never knew before. It's really pretty simple.

Wonder who I can hang here?

FFS. A little help, please?

My team has to come up with a cheer for our tailgate-kickoff sales contest. *puts pistol in mouth*

We sell employee benefits, our mascot is a cheetah and our colors are black and gold. Any ideas?



Here's what we're doing:

COLONOSCOPY! (shake asses)
MAMMOGRAM! (shake tits)
EVEN A PROSTATE EXAM! (i bend over and the girls snap their rubber gloves)
FOR BENEFITS SALES,
SCOTT'S OUR MAN!

IF BENEFITS ARE WHAT YOU DESIRE,
SCOTT WILL SET THE BOOK ON FIRE!

Eff.EmEll. *sigh*