i'm three sheets drunk

sort of.

easy enough target.

kind of.

eff off

That tears it.

Every interview from now on, I'm gonna roll in there dressed in old-ass jeans and gnawing on a mother####in' turkey leg. Then I'm gonna take my dick out and mushroom-stamp the interviewer. Then I'm gonna dump the contents of their desk onto the floor and bare-assed fart in their face.

Dilemma. Exchange of clothes between sexy time partners.

I had an overnight guest last Thursday (answer: sober 6, drunk 8). She's 24 and just lives in town (different townie than the one a few weeks ago). I don't really have a desire to see her again because things have started heating up with a girl I actually do like.

The problem is she left with my favorite pair of sweats and sweatshirt on. I have her number, but I'm not sure if it's worth having an awkward encounter with a one night stand to get some clothes back. What do you think?

So the landscaping guy rang the doorbell this morning.

When I answered the door he asked, "Is this your yellow neon?" "Yeah" "Did you know it was up on blocks with no wheels?" "WHUUUUT???" Yeah so much for living in a nice gated community.

I've had 41+ first humps.

I'd assume there was kissing involved during most of those.

so I was walking out of best buy this morning. A car was stopped at the stop sign and the driver

motioned for me to cross in front of him. As soon as I started to step out in front, he gunned it and made me jump back. He was laughing his ass off. Why does the world hate me?

there's a lot going on here

Charger for my laptop just went out...at least I hope its my charger.

Ordered a new one on Amazon before the battery went out. Now how am I supposed to masturbate in the next 24 hours. With my phone? I'm sorry; I'm above that.

attended a kindergarten information night for my daughter last night

i do not want her to be in the class of the teacher that doesn't know how to pronounced "genre" and ended every sentence with "and stuff".

Stood behind a goddess today at Carle Hospital

Had a doc appt.

She was a drug rep or something. She was thin but not skinny, or she was skinny but not thin -- whichever gets the point across. She had a grey business suit on with really tight pants. She had an ass so fantastic the Pharaohs would have built pyramids to honor it.

She was light blonde, and almost as tall as me. She was prolly 5'9" or 5'10". I nearly dropped to my knees so I could literally start gnawing on her ass. She was unbelievably gorgeous. Easily one of the top 5 I have seen in person. Prolly top 3.

She was one of those rare beauties that make you prefer to run straight into a wall head-on and die, rather than live knowing you will never have sexual relations with her.

If women only knew. They think they know, but they have no clue. They cannot possibly know. It is literally impossible. Imagine all the pyramids were built to honor one hot POA and you'd have the beginnings of an understanding.

There's my perverted thought for the day. As you were.

Dear State Farm, why are you brainwashing my son

My 3 year old has a new little indiosyncrasy that is at full blown proportions. It is rather amusing I must admit, but still quite odd at the same time.

Any time, and I mean anytime a State Farm commercial comes on he stares at the television like something out of Poltergeist. He can be in a completely different room playing and he will hear a state farm commerical get up, sprint into the room and watch the rest of it. Then stop and go back to whatever he was doing.

He does this for every state farm commercial, the "with a new girlfriend / with a new boyfriend", the Bob Barker, the "can I get a hot tub". Literally all of them. He doesn't do it for anything else out there that I know of.

when i bought my place, it came with a security system

that the previous owner had installed. i never bothered to ask how to operate it or get the codes. for 4 years it just sat there on the wall looking like it was guarding the place.

then, 2 nights ago, it decided to start beeping as if it were a smoke alarm with a dead battery. unfortunately, it's not battery-powered and i had no idea why it was beeping. i searched online for the owner's manual and found the solution of "entering the code" to stop the intermittent beep.

####.

i soon discovered that if you press the # key, it shuts off the system for about 10 minutes. so, 2 nights ago, i got in the practice of pushing the button every 10 minutes like i was on LOST. after a couple hours of this, i thought "#### it, i'll just try pushing every button possible! one of them must surely shut it off!"

wrong.

whatever i pushed activated the house alarm and i got a horrible screeching sound from a panel on my ceiling (which i had always thought was a wiring panel for surround sound speakers). i had to make it stop. i grabbed a screwdriver and a chair. i frantically scrambled up the chair and saw that the phillips head i brought was the wrong kind. #### YOU, FLATHEAD. so i began stabbing in the opening trying to silence the awful noise. all i succeeded in doing was changing the pitch of it. great, now i had a sick alarm.

i jumped back down and fumbled through my tools and found the right size and shape screwdriver and an exacto knife, unscrewed the panel and cut the wires. #### you, noise maker.

then i got home from work last night. everything seemed normal. until, *beep* *beep*

####!

i decided the security unit was going to get the same treatment, so i pried it off the wall and sliced the wires. unfortunately, it wouldn't sit back on the wall properly and i didn't want bare, cut wires hanging off the wall of my entryway, so i had to glue it back on.

hope the next owners like it.

So last night, i wasn't feeling good and was tired and irritated.

And mrs was feeling the same way, and we were sniping at each other, and then she made a crack (I'm not sure I even remember the specifics of what it was - I know it had to do with a drain in the basement or garage) and I got mad and threw the remote at the couch across the room.

I aimed at the cushions. But I missed and hit the wood part.

Kabloooie!

It's been a long time since i've really lost my temper like that.