gross warning

our friend's daschund always eats tampons out of the trash. imagine pooping those out. occasionally they don't come out on their own, and have to be pulled by the string. i told you it was gross.

so I taped the following note to my neighbors door quite early this morning:

April 7, 2012
About 1 am.

Dear Neighbors,

Since you didn't answer the door that you were obviously whispering to each other behind I guess I’ll have to resort to a stupid passive-aggressive letter to try and get my point across.

In short, I’ve been woken up a couple dozen times in the last few months by you guys. I have no idea what you’re fighting about, although I’m pretty sure I’ve been awoken to the phrase “acting like a child” at least a couple times. The good news for you is that evidently it takes being woken up several times in a single night, and what sounded like you hammering on my damn wall, for me to feel compelled to knock on your door.

Still, maybe you guys could try and pump the breaks on the fights a bit, eh? If you could reduce them by, about 50%... or at least cut out the tossing of things across your apartment and slamming into the wall, that would be awesome.

I realize you two probably enjoy fighting way too much stop altogether, but maybe consider, in the future, one or all of the following:

- Scheduling your multi-times-per-week arguments for daylight hours. If it’s 2PM in the afternoon you can blast Metallica, shout at each other at the top of your lungs, and bang on pots and pans for all I care. Maybe you can actually do this just in an attempt to piss off your totally unreasonable douchebag of a next door neighbor who doesn’t like his common bedroom wall being pounded on at midnight… maybe as a result you’ll bond and fight each other less? fine by me.
- Going outside to fight, the weather is actually quite nice now, and in a few weeks there will be a nice fountain next to the Tree of Five Seasons you can shout at each other next to.
- Learning Sign Language.
- Channeling your anger into one of the many visual arts.

I’m sure you can think of more. At any rate, I would really appreciate it if there could be some solution that allows you to do whatever the hell you want, and allows me a few more nights when I’m not jolted awake by your domestic issues.

(The guy you don’t know and now probably don’t like in Apartment 2008)

Interesting conversation while doing the urinals in BWs

Stepped in front of a guy accidently, while in the bathroom at BWs. He said go ahead when he saw my chief t-shirt. Noticed he had an Illini hat on. He said his brother played OL for the illini and a lot of the players liked Zook. Asked him about the Beckman hire. Said a lot of the players are confused about the situation. Apologized about stepping in front of him. Nice kid.

am I the only one

who likes the feeling of having to go poop?

Extremely sore from curling yesterday

FML I'm old.

vast majority of time, i'm glad i'm a man. but the whole "feeling" that women have after

an O leaves me a little envious.

thoughts?

I was in the bathroom earlier, standing at a urinal and I thought to myself

If I were gay I would spend a lot of time in here peeking over the edges, looking at dicks.

I was just thinking how much I like looking at boobs and I don't have free access to viewing a ton of them, so I figured if dicks were my thing I would take advantage of the situation.

My nephew just got his GED

The girl he married encouraged him to get it. They have a couple kids, but he is enrolling at JC college so he can go to a technical school. Only seemed like yesterday he was fighting kids in HS, because his dad was from the Dominican Repubublic. Never like the crackers in HS. Thumbs up for Diego!

Ok...,my son apparently had his first erec...um, well, you know...he's confused

What do I tell him?
Seriously

The first time I saw a mans penis was at a ponderosa.

Some random dude just threw it at her. At the table

Hindsight

A move beyond moves

At the time I had no clue. Just heard an argument

Lady was screaming. HARD at the guy. About this and that. Once he got loud I turned to see what up. You know just in case he was getting out of hand

But oh no.

He WAs IN hand! Waving it

At

Ponderfvckingrosa

When I was a kid, there weren’t a lot of other kids that lived around me to play with

I lived on the wrong side of the tracks for that. It wasn’t really the “bad” side of the tracks; just more like the “old people with no kids” side. There was a total of 8 kids on my side of tracks, and 6 of them were in my family.
 

There were, though, a couple of kids that I was friends with who lived out on the highway. One summer, one of these buddies had a cousin stay with him for a few weeks. It was nice to have someone new to hang with and to call a friend. He was from a place that I had never heard of called Decatur. He was kind of quiet, but he liked to play baseball, and that was nice. He told us about cable television and a channel called Home Box Office where you could watch movies all the time. It all seemed a little far-fetched to me. I didn’t know it until later, but this kid’s family had all recently been killed in a house fire - his mom and dad, and his brothers and sisters. He was the only one who survived.

After his Philo vacation was over, he went back to live with relatives in Decatur. He gave me his phone number so we could keep in touch. A few times, I called him to see how he was doing.
 

My mom wasn’t happy about me having a friend in Decatur that I wanted to call on the phone. According to her, it was expensive to call there. Whenever she let me call him, she would set an egg timer out, with strict instructions not to be on the phone when the timer was up. That’s okay, though, we usually ran out of things to say before we ran out of sand.

 

Recently, I tried to do a google search of fatal Decatur house fires and his last name, but nothing came up. It would have been interesting to read about it after all these years. It could be that, even though his new home was in Decatur, that isn’t where the fire happened. I’m not sure. To this day, I can't see an egg timer without thinking of my month-long best friend Tim. 

met my old board mod at the grocery store

was buying bagels and some cheese

snuck up behind him, tapped him on his back
he jumped and yelled "holy jeez!"

told him I missed the Deuce from time to time
and all the characters and mods

he said he hadn't banned a soul in years
and for that, he thanked the gods

*piano interlude*

I told him we should go and get a drink
he said he had to get back home

I said I'd post about this on the ish
and he said "whatever, drone"

we talked about the internet
we talked about the now

tried to find important stuff to say
but neither one knew how

we talked about the internet
we talked about the memes

we both remarked how all this stupid crap
ain't as urgent as it seems

by now we both were walkin out the door
he took a left, I took a right

and as I turned to make my way back home
the Deuce faded from sight

Tough day at my son's house

He had hemorrhoids cut out yesterday at a specialist. His wife went to the hospital with diarrhea and vomiting today. He told me he hopes he doesn't get her diarrhea.

Dude

I was president of my frat, I've seen a naked women or two, and my wife already knows I don't meet her standards on that end.

Elway doesn't believe Tebow is the answer.

From the guy that bolted to Denver rather than being drafted by the Colts. The libs in Denver won't have Tebow as the QB. Consumer reports says so.

Elway will run Tebow out of town. Elway refused to be drafted by the Colts in a draft. Old horseface is doing the same thing. Tebow is winning. They cannot stand it in Denver because he is a Christian. Elway lies.

Elway acts like he is above it. He refused to go to the Colts. Read the history. "I want to play for a winner" Horseface.

Elwya is an arrogant horseface loser that had to go to a winner. Where did he come from in college. Stanford. His daddy made him change his mind from going to the Colts. Golpher face!

Consumer Reports is based in Colorado. My customer had the new issue on his table. Read it during lunch. Biggest Apple based rag, piece of garbage, one sided, gov supported, lib supported. Out of breath. Have a good night friends. Don't believe what you read.

Harry Carays

A Spanish girl served my food to me. She told my wife her food would be ready "sometime". Mrs Colt got in her face. The girl barked back. I ordered more beer for me. My wife got her food and wouldn't eat it. I ordered more beer for me. My wife cried as we went back to the hotel. I had more beer in the hotel bar. We did touchy feely in the elevator. a nice night.

Just got a call to interview at Target

what kind of company schedules its interviews to take place at Target?

Did one of you call me?

Came up as an Oregon number...

My parents took me to a restaurant exactly ONE time as a kid

That was when I was 10 and we all went to Hardee's for Christmas Eve dinner. I kid you not, we never ate out at a restaurant any other time.

Best way to eat popcorn

Girly way of eating one kernel at a time. The few kernels at a time. The grab a fistful and crunch it down.