Getting tired of the "I'd sleep with them!" excuse for these awful lists

*Of course* I'd sleep with them. Shorn from morality, marriage, the fears of pregnancy and disease, and blessed with better looks, I'd sleep with 85% of the women at most bars on Friday or Saturday night. If Maxim were going to run a "The IB Would Sleep With List" the thing would look like the f'ing Thomas Register, and there'd be some awfully gamey selections towards the end of that book. I know they can't put out a list consisting of "that MILF who sat in front of you at the theater" and "the one chick they showed three or four times during the Alabama/Auburn game last year." But come on, some of these women are 7s. Are there really only 26 or so 10s in America? We can do better! We must do better.

well, i just got back from Effingham and.....

As you can see, someone is all talk. I was there for about 4 hours at a gas station nearest the interstate. I would have stayed longer to wait, but my buddy at some point in time has to get get back to his wife and kids.

i was challenged by someone and they didn't back it up. I gave him plenty of time to show up from the time the arguement started. he actually has an advantage because of the fact that he has seen me, but i haven't seen him and he still choked. You either show up or shut up.

At this point in time it is over with because what he says means nothing now because he doesn't back anything up. I dont care what people on here think of me and what you think of what i did today. If someones going to challenge my manhood, i'm going to respond. i'm not a phoney like some people.

As for some people wanting to know physical stature, When i first had that pic taken 10 years ago i was about 165 pounds,now, i'm up to 224 and i have been in extensive training for several years now. I do box and also do MMA fighting and training. I do spar alot and i do have a lot of challengers because of what i practice. Always a smartass out there that wants to see how tough you are.

I am confident in my ability and not afraid of him or anyone else. I know some wont believe it, but i dont think i have to prove anything to anyone on here anymore. Someone had their chance and they choked (as i see that they posted long after the arguement).

So in closing, this whole thing is over as far as i am concerned. I stood my ground and it looks like i had no challengers after all.

from now on i will just laugh at any idol threat from people on here.

Dear State Farm, why are you brainwashing my son

My 3 year old has a new little indiosyncrasy that is at full blown proportions. It is rather amusing I must admit, but still quite odd at the same time.

Any time, and I mean anytime a State Farm commercial comes on he stares at the television like something out of Poltergeist. He can be in a completely different room playing and he will hear a state farm commerical get up, sprint into the room and watch the rest of it. Then stop and go back to whatever he was doing.

He does this for every state farm commercial, the "with a new girlfriend / with a new boyfriend", the Bob Barker, the "can I get a hot tub". Literally all of them. He doesn't do it for anything else out there that I know of.

So last night, i wasn't feeling good and was tired and irritated.

And mrs was feeling the same way, and we were sniping at each other, and then she made a crack (I'm not sure I even remember the specifics of what it was - I know it had to do with a drain in the basement or garage) and I got mad and threw the remote at the couch across the room.

I aimed at the cushions. But I missed and hit the wood part.

Kabloooie!

It's been a long time since i've really lost my temper like that.

so i've got this hellish long layover now

and i'm in an airpot lounge, squirreled away at a corner desk. hardly anyone in here. been blastin' away in these fancy office chairs, thinking no one can hear me.

a few minutes ago, from out of the blue, i heard someone zip up a purse on the other side of the wall from me. didn't know there was anything there. just as i get up to ske-diddle from the scene, this business broad comes from around the corner and gives me a look that stopped the clocks.

I went to a bbq yesterday at the boss's house with 7 kids under 5

Holy carp, what an effective form of birth control.

TMI, but since being snipped there's a definite decrease in volume.

I'd make a terrible porn star for a money shot. Don't think they'd like a money drip.

was washing my hands as a panicked dude ran in

As I exited, the sound I heard can only be described as the sound beef stew would make if it were fired out of a spud gun into a swimming pool.

one of the things I hate most about being at home is my dad watches way too much Cable News

I hate cable news. every station, every program, every person. I hate it.

Dear Vacuous Whore Who Won't Shut Up:

There are plenty of pretty, young Christian girls who actually live out the values that you claim to espouse. They live the ordinary lives that the vast majority of teenagers do, full of school and activities and family. They don’t enter beauty pageants, whether it’s because they’re not dumb enough to take absurdity as reality or because they’re too busy doing worthwhile things like serving others through church and community organizations. They respect themselves enough to think their sexual health is worth protecting, so they don’t sex (or sext) their boyfriends.

By the way, none of them would claim to be perfect, either.

But you, you’re being singled out because of the “beliefs” you claim to share with these girls? No, you’re being singled out because you’re an entitled, hypocritical Hot Girl who won’t shut the #### up already. No one wants to hear a Hot Girl talk, especially a Hot Girl who works so hard to present herself as a Hot Girl. If you’re hot and you’re a girl and you want to talk, you’d better have something interesting to say. Otherwise, shut up and get naked. That’s what Hot Girls are for.

Trouble is, you don’t have anything interesting to say. You only want to talk about yourself. About how unfair it is that you didn’t win the Ultimate Hot Girl Challenge, all because you courageously expressed a political opinion held by the majority of U.S. voters. About how the mean ol’ media* won’t let your pontificating go unchallenged when your own actions undermine the authenticity of your expressed values. About how you’re being “punished for exercising your right to free speech,” apparently because you expect the unique privilege of saying whatever dumbass things you want without suffering the indignity of being called a dumbass.

The fact that you have nothing interesting to say has little to do with your being a Hot Girl. True, as a Hot Girl, you have the deficit of being assumed to be stupid, yet it’s entirely possible to be physically beautiful but intelligent and respected (think Audrey Hepburn—and think about what set her apart from you). And it has little to do with your beliefs. Plenty of people who share your political and religious views are able to function normally in day-to-day life without throwing a hissy fit every time someone disagrees with them.

It has everything to do with your apparent obsession with controlling what people think of you, and your blindness to your own words and actions in creating their perceptions. You are young, beautiful, wealthy, and famous, and you really don’t understand why people can’t take you seriously as a martyr?

No, you don’t, so now you’ve rendered your extended tantrum in hardback form. And because the publishing industry is rotten with people who are even more self-serving and oportunistic than you, naturally you were able to find someone who was only too happy to profit from your obtuseness.

So, congrats on that. No, really: plaudits. You’ll be gettin’ paid, and it’s the American Way.

And although I do not object to your enriching yourself in this way (well, I do object for abstract reasons that I can’t blame you for), I do object to your conscripting Jesus into your one-beauty-queen crusade. So as long as you plan to show a watching world that Jesus died for our right to get boob jobs and say dumb shit without people being mean to us about it, people like me will be here to urge you to reconsider your…well, your everything.

I know, I know. I probably should remove the log from my eye before trying to get the speck out of yours. But I’m not perfect either.

* Also colloquially known as the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Wait—what was that about mockery being reserved for conservative women…?

I really hate rebates

They give me $5 rebate on a 5 gallon bucket of driveway sealer. Give me the money up front! I bought 6 buckets. All these Menards rebates are sent to Elk Mound, Wisconsin. What kind of Northwoods Elk hunting hillbillies live there?

Dear Fat Lady in front of me at the soda/pop/coke fountain,

Do you really need to hold up multiple people to wait for those 3 bubbles at the top of your Coke to dissipate before topping it off? Do you really need to do this 5 times? Does it matter that you already have 32.9 ounces crammed into your 32 ounce cup? Does it matter that your cup ended up so full that you had to delay people further by sipping some before leaving the fountain to avoid spilling? Does it concern you that your fat, clumsy ass proceeded to spill some on the floor anyway? Does it matter your cube is no more than 40 ft from this fountain and that if you do happen to run out it would take you less than 2 minutes to get a refill (assuming there is not another fat b###h like you already at the fountain upon your return)? Does it matter that you could actually use that 80 ft of exercise? Does it matter that the Coke is free?

But I tell you what, I'll forgive all of this if you simply switch your fat ass to diet pop on future visits.

Sincerely,

Caffiene-starved

True story...

So, I get a call from my brother yesterday afternoon saying that the police had come round. About an hour before that, when he'd been working on his motorbike down the side of the house, three kids had been cussing at him ("fcuk you, you fcuking gaylord", etc) and threw sticks at him. He finally got ssiped off and tried to call the teachers over, but they pointedly looked at him and ignored him. Then a suit, who we later find out is the headteacher comes over and says that the kids are 'hyped up' after the killings in Germany, and that they think he is 'looking' at them in the playground, and that they think his tools are cameras. Quote. She refuses to listen to my brother, and even has the cheek to say that maybe he "shouldn't be outside" (in our own garden!!1!) when the kids are outside, so he gives up and goes on with his work. 30 minutes later, the police rock up and say that they have been called by the school, so they have to come. My brother explains that he's working in his back garden, and all he wanted was for these little shyts to quit with the abuse. The policeman says that he can see it's a misunderstanding, but that mybe my brother should "go inside and have a cup of tea when the kids are in the playground", before taking his name and my mother's name (she was at work, but it's her house). By this time, my mother's had the story relayed and is SOOO angry. I mean, livid, and she calls the school, wanting to speak to the head. She leaves a message with the secretary, saying it's about an incident that has just happened, and the secretary says, "oh, you mean the man who was looking at the children in the playground?" To which she grits her teeth, explains who she is and says she wants the head to call her back like yesterday. 5 hours later, no call, so after she gets home my mother stomps round to the school with my brother, to which she's met by the head (a complete jobsworth) who, basically, says that my brother should not be in the garden where the kins can see him (excuse me?? plus, the wall is only shoulder height on our side) and that "of course!" the teachers in the playground ignored him... they didn't want to put themselves "at risk", and that she felt herself "very brave" for going over to talk to him. With about 7 feet between them, a wall and a fence, she was super brave. Long story short, she was "perfectly justified" in calling the police, and that it was not the kids' fault - they were 'scared' (one of the three perpetrators lives 3 doors away, knows exactly who my brother is - everyone knows who lives at that house - and who I know for a fact keyed my car. A little bstrd, basically). To put the icing on the cake, she said she had to 'call an assembly' to 'calm the kids down' and, on the way home, my mother and brother were stopped by a little girl who lives nearby (from another school) who said, "ooh, did you hear about the man who was watching children in teh playground? The police came and everything". Now, not only does the school have these rumours going round, but all the parents will hear about it, too. Instead of disciplining the kids, they have been allowed to get away with hurling abuse and large sticks. HRH could have been hit, dammit. On top, we are made to look like criminals. Human Rights laws say that a person "has the right to enjoy their property and their possessions". This is already being breached, because we're being told that we can't go in our back garden during the day, in case the kids see us. I am so angry it's unreal, and would love for someone to tell me what my next step could/should be.

yesterday my 4 year old completely missed the toiled and peed all over the tile floor...

and instead of telling someone, he covered it up with a plastic doggie poo bag he got from the bathroom closet.

The problem with mixed nuts.

first let me say i love nuts. cashews, pistachioes, peanuts, almonds, walnuts. love em all.

so i'm totally down with the concept of mixed nuts. great idea, really it is.

yet, everytime i eat mixed nuts i end up sorely disappointed. it's like all those great individual nuts lose their identity and taste. they become a new taste, known as "mixed nuts" and that taste sucks.

regardless of who gets in

power will go to their heads and we all might as well bend over because they are gonna ream us so bad.

I'm through with politics. Mainly because of what the hell it does to everyone. It divides people.

So make sure you are wearing clean underwear when they strip you down and start screwing us all

DAMMIT! My poop schedule changed. :(

For 2 years, like clockwork: Once a day, in the morning, right before my shower.

I guess my body decided it likes mid-morning better. kcuF! I hate the work-poop.

Almost Got Into A Car Accident Lastnight

Thanks to a ssakcaj pedestrian.

So I'm headed down Halsted towards the Clark/Halsted light and this pedestrian decides to cross against the light across Halsted (I have a green). I honk at him and he looks at me like I'm the idiot and keeps walking, so I have to go a little into the left turn lane to get around him. As I'm getting into the intersection, the light turns yellow and there are two cars in the left turn lane coming towards me. So now I'm in the intersection and the first car must have assumed I was turning left (I didn't have a signal on) and turns left in front of me, so I have to slow and go to the left of that car, then I start to head back to the right and the other car turns left in front of me. It was just a complete disaster all around and all thakns to one rude pedestrian.

I nearly quit my job this morning.

...then I remembered I couldn't afford it.

Teaching something I don't know for 5 days to three Indians who don't know my language is gonna be a fuckin' blast.

Dots. None of them were signedup for the course. They just showed up.

FROM INDIA!

I stood in my bosses office for ten minutes realizing that my only two options were teach this class (which I am not qualified to be teaching) or quit.

I know what I wanted to do.

Chicago women are effin ridiculous

They all think they are so much more attractive and cooler than they actually are. It's preposterous, just because dudes flirt with you when you are out at a bar doesn't mean you are amazing. It seems like every girl in Chicago thinks she is so much more attractive than she actually is. Never seen anything like this.