My daily confession: Ever since my neck surgery I'm supposed to walk at least once a day.

So I was doing the around the neighborhood walk tonight when the sudden urge to float an air biscuit hit me. Now normally, I evaluate these carefully when in public, however given that I have been on vicodin non-stop for over a month, (p.s. not looking forward to withdrawal) I figured risk was minimal. Hell taking a crap these days is somewhat of an event to be celebrated.

So I'm at about the halfway point, no shortcuts, and decide to break this muhfudda off when to my horror, I discover it is not just a fart. No, it is the dreaded shart and I am over 1/2 mile from home. And to make things worse, it was a Category 2 shart. For those of you not familiar with the categories of sharting it is too much to get into at this point, but suffice it to say that you would grab your car keys and go home. Containment was breached; not Chernobyl level but more like Fukushima if that helps.

My friends, walking 1/2 mile through your neighborhood with a Category 2 containment breach, hoping against hope that none of the neighbors are in the yard and want to stop and say hello is a hellish experience, even for those of us who are used to crapping themselves (and some may say savor the experience in retrospect). Now, I'm sure you all will be happy to know that I made it home without incident, informed the spousal unit of the mishap and was given a grocery bag to dispose of the now contaminated garments. It is times like this that I am happy I installed a bidet, I must note.

Just thought you might like to know. Also, during this walk I was pondering why I hadn't drawn my 401k out and bet it on Cincy -7.5; some of the more degenerate of you may wish to take this as a sign.

Quick little story to brighten your Friday

So I was driving back from my house closing yesterday in Champaign to my hometown which is about an hour away.

I was cruising along through the country at a pretty good clip when I see a horse buggy up in front of me cruising along. I naturally slow down and see that there are no oncoming cars, so I pass the woman and her horse in the other lane at approximately 35 MPH.

I look in my rear view mirror after I pass and notice that the lady is violently flipping me off. For some reason, I slam on the breaks, put it in reverse, and back up into about 50 feet of her.

I get out and ask her why she flipped me off. She hops off of her buggy thingy, and starts cursing me out calling me a "stupid mothereffer" and that I flew around her and I'm supposed to slow down, and didn't I see the slow sign on her buggy?

I ask her calmly, how fast is flying around her? Is 35 MPH ok? Does she have a radar gun on that thing? How fast do the cars go by her the other way? Faster than 35 MPH?

This only infuriates her more, and she starts cussing even more. I let her go on and on, just laughing. Then something pops in my head. It's Himey and CUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT.

So I scream it in a hilarious voice at her, and she goes apeshit. I start laughing at her uncontrollably. I hop back in my truck and drive off laughing.

Cool story bro.

An unfortunate incident in the men's room

I'm sure you men can identify. While approaching the urinal, I accidentally let fly while it was cocked to one side, peeing on the leg of the guy next to me. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice.

There was a partition, but the geometry was jusssst right. Maybe I need to draw a diagram showing angle measurements and stream velocity.

This isn't a good sign for some that believe these are the first signals of the point of no return

with regards to our warming atmosphere.

Huge extremes with more frequent heavy precip snow and rain.

Bad planting season so far for sure.

How many of the following have you hired to work for you

Only condition is that you had hiring authority and they worked either for you or a report.

A. Blacks
B. Jews
C. Muslims
D. Catholics
E. Atheist
F. Obese
G. Retard
H. Skinhead
I. Purdue Grads
J. Illinois Grads

Just curious to see if I'm actually the leading Affirmative Action hirer here.

Another time in HS I was going about my business in a deserted bathroom, when a guy I knew walked in

He comes over, "Who's sitting here by themselves in teh stall" and jumps up and grabs the framing cross bar up high to pull himself over for a look.

I'm standing up and trying to pull down my shirt to cover things up. Luckily for me the lock on the stall gives way when he's trying to climb up using his feet. It slams in on my, knocks me back down on my butt onto the toilet seat, he falls off, door bounces back shut. That gave me time to get my pants on, and he was very apologetic when I came out.

a coworker just came up to me and said

"every once in a while I think of that funny thing you said at our conference and it makes me laugh"

no idea what she's talking about. totally a socially awkward penguin moment.

and yes.

hey, the truth hurts around here.....

The "real" good people are forced off because of the crap. Trust me, i know alot of people are thanking me right now for saying this. You can take shots at me all you want because that all this board can really do. So many people get blackballed on here because they didn't "fit" in.

maybe one day when people actually wake up, they will see that this isn't what it's all cracked up to be.

Got slapped by an old man today

Over my tie knot (four in hand). Apparently I need to learn the windsor. Getting dressed is hard.

So we have a new neighbor. he moved here from Italy during the winter. last night he mowed his lawn

gross warning

our friend's daschund always eats tampons out of the trash. imagine pooping those out. occasionally they don't come out on their own, and have to be pulled by the string. i told you it was gross.