so i've got this hellish long layover now

and i'm in an airpot lounge, squirreled away at a corner desk. hardly anyone in here. been blastin' away in these fancy office chairs, thinking no one can hear me.

a few minutes ago, from out of the blue, i heard someone zip up a purse on the other side of the wall from me. didn't know there was anything there. just as i get up to ske-diddle from the scene, this business broad comes from around the corner and gives me a look that stopped the clocks.

I just injured myself in an embarrassing way.

Taking shirts from the washer to the dryer, one was twisted around itself. Instead of undoing it by hand, I figured it would be quicker and simpler to just hold it at chest height and shake it loose.

The bottom end of the wet shirt came free on the second whip-like shake and whipped me right in the stones. That's right, I basically wet-towel snapped myself. In the balls.

hurt like a MFer, luckily no scar. there was a lot of blood though. i most certainly did not enjoy it.

Adfession: I mostly don't understand fears

and tend to think that most of them are irrational, and hence am a little insensitive to people who are afraid of a lot of things. I just think they can be overcome. Mrs. mother is afraid of everything, including dogs, heights, can't swim, etc. It just gets a little ridiculous after a while. Mrs. has claustrophobia, which is the one I most don't understand. I fully admit to being prick-ish about this subject

hoardering is my worst fear in life, those shows about hoarding absolutely terrify me. The sort of fear that I am referring to is the type that affects your life and your ability to live it, such as, I can never go on a boat because I can swim and afraid to go in the water.

Do you have meat grinder and sausage stuffer attachments for your KitchenAid?

i have five fresh trout fillets to cook tonight
suck-ass rules:
1. can't cook inside on pan ( mrs nixed that idea).
2. gotta cook outside on gas grill.

I'd whip up a batch of Trout Dogs. nothing says summer like troutwurst

so, i hung out with two prostitutes tonight

went out with a girl i met at a club last weekend... and things took a pretty wild turn. i had no experience with that lifestyle, so it was kind of crazy seeing how they operate. it was really fun though... definitely a unique night. she was a hooker. the other girl works for her now. her friend was working i drove her a guys house and me and my girl waited outside while she did her thing.

they weren't like stunning... but they were both very close but i have a little bit lower standards than most here probably. i had my camera with me but never quite got the occassion to pull it out. mostly though it was just real cool getting to know them and seeing the way they went about things... i learned so much about that lifestyle just through observing

Bird just crapped on my new shirt as I was taking groceries out of the car

Hopefully that's the worst thing Friday the 13th has in store for me

so i don't share *too* many kid stories but this one got me all cracked up

9yr old: when we were at camp, one of the days we got to choose which station we were at. And I chose the spa station. and I was the only boy there.

me (somewhat concerned): well what did you do at the spa station?

9yr old: got to hang out with the girls at the beach!

me: *high five*

9 yr old: oh, and we put oatmeal and honey on our faces and it made our skin smooth

me: oh.

I went to a bbq yesterday at the boss's house with 7 kids under 5

Holy carp, what an effective form of birth control.

Let me tell you the story of a good friend of mine (y'alls'll enjoy this)

So I have this good friend Matt. When he was in high school, he dated this girl named Kelly for four years. And we were all pretty sure that Matt would end up marrying Kelly. (Kelly was a twin, this is important information for later on) But Kelly didn't like giving blowjobs. She liked to have her yssup eaten, but refused to return the favor. And as a Catholic, she was opposed to pre-marital sex. In four years, she never once touched Matt's kcoc. But he ate her close to every day during their four year relationship. Something happened that caused them to break up. Kelly then met a guy. Matt went looking for Kelly one night (nothing deranged, he was just in jumpingdan's "I want her back" shoes). Matt calls Kelly's twin, and her twin (who wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed) mentions that ON THE FIRST DATE, Kelly gave this new guy a blowjob. Matt was livid. How did he respond? Well, after he was talked out of killing the new guy, he started to bone anything that moved. He did a cougar in his parents bed. He did the same cougar in her hot tub. He was in ROTC in college, and after college was stationed in Manhattan, Kansas, where he almost knocked up the widow of an Iraq veteran. He had multiple three ways and four ways while in college. He's now in Texas and sent pictures of him boning two large breasted chicks in the bathroom of a bar. He also got a blowjob from the bridesmaid I was with during a mutual friend's wedding. He, in short, turned into a sex fiend. And then, he met a girl who he really likes and who likes to bone and give bjs and then bone some more. What's the point of this story? I don't think there is one. I just like telling it.

I just got called "super handsome" by a non-family member.

I'm just as shocked as you are. Oh crap. She gave me her number and told her to call her after midnight. "You will be glad you did." Either shit just got REAL, or this is a scambot phisher. Currently on the call. She's talking a lot. This is good. She talked about her pussy a lot. She just adopted him from the shelter. Help: What's the best way to get blood out of a blanket?.

Things dudes would rather do than me (not exhaustive):

* play golf
* bone up on guitar skills
* sleep
* get a divorce
* stay with a wife he hates
* get drunk
* stay sober

True stories.

I am comically bad at this.

made a surprise for my husband. (extreme cocktease/attn whore alert)

He is at work but it is cat vacation on asssmembly line so he has to sit in Safety slide show meetings all 8+ hours of the day all week. He is so very bored.

So i made a sexy text message video for him to watch tomorrow. (Ill send at a break so no one else sees it) it should perk him up for the rest of afternoon.

No,i wont post the video or any pics.

If you just have to make a visual: guilded chair in front of mirror, see through white lace lingerie. I explained what i like and want in detail i think he will be a smiley man all afternoon.

Anybody else having trouble keeping their urine the proper color?

This morning about 10:00 I did 20 minutes on the bike followed by a 20 minute run. Urinated at the transition and it was fine. Had water on the bike, and Gatorade and water since finishing. I feel good, but i'm back to a real yellow - not dark, but darker than it should be.

:wall

i'm not sure this is the appropriate forum

but i had 3-way curry over rice at a dive british pub ( CA not ENG) last night and it absolutely eviscerated me.

first of all, put my entire head into a sweat. awesome.

then as i'm walking down the street, about six blocks from the car, i feel the gears click into place. like heavy machinery waking from the night shift. i say to my buddy " don't talk to me, i've got a Code Brown STAT. "

i pick up the pace and about a block away it's the bataan death march. one step at a time, look at my watch, pretend i'm not really walking anywhere, just checking my iphone ( and not crapping myself) . i see the car now ; it might as well be in a different state.

but right in front of me is the public library. not quite a casino, but close. so as i limp toward my goal, i'm actually thinking " if i were an architect, where would I put the bathroom?" at this point, i feel like i've got a midget welder in my drawers. with a bad ####ing attitude.

i get to the front door and start looking around for the head. nothing. no dice. don't want to be *that guy* who just walks in and asks " excuse me, where is your restroom?" which could be the worst decision of my life. because i trundled all over the place and never found it -- until i walked through the farkin' courtyard, past the coffee stand and found it squirreled away in the back. by now, i'm pretty sure i've Pollacked my boxers.

i find a stall and patent a new aerobic exercise in dropping drawers,hitting the seat and emptying my insides.

evisceration complete.

So I know this guy who does cocaine recreationally

I'm uptight about this. Am I just old and goody-two-shoes-y?

My impending nuptials= Ed Martin

9 days before...FML

she's keeping the car. I'm hoping she picks up the payments

soccer = NASCAR

people who don't like it think it's boring and weird, and people who do like it insist that the other people just don't appreciate it on a high enough level. Both sides of both sports are pretty annoying.

oh right - I forgot the giant chip on the shoulder.

"Hurricane and Captain Serious" needs to be a buddy-cop movie.

He was a by-the-book detective whose icy glare was the envy of the boys at the 14th precinct. She was a book-tossing rookie with a penchant for streaking. Together, they took on a drug-running conspiracy that went straight to the top. At first they couldn't stand each other, but eventually they became the best of friends, and the greatest team on the force.

He taught her the value of preparation, and she taught him that sometimes, you just gotta WOOK BUH.

So, a really bright guy who claims to be an Illuminati...

is trying to recruit me. He's talking about metaphysics and other such things. He's a guy I met through an online game on the PS3. Super nice guy. But now I am thinking it's best to avoid this dude. Illuminati? GTFO.

You were right......

I was wrong