Hi! I decided I no longer want anyone to use my real name here

do it and you will get banned. (this is no alterego. you all know who i am)

TIA

Four score and minus seventy years ago

our athletic director brought forth on this campus a new team, conceived in fecklessness, and dedicated to the proposition that DJ Richardson must move.

Now we are engaged in a great battle, testing whether that team, or any team, so conceived and so dedicated, can beat Penn State. We are met on our shitty, outdated stadium with no air conditioning of that battle. We have come to dedicate a portion of that stadium, as a final resting place for those who here gave 23 seconds of random running around and pants-shitting so that that Sam Maniscalco might chuck a 27 footer as the shot clock expires. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this stadium. The brave players, active and alum, who struggled, I mean SERIOUSLY STRUGGLED, here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The east coast-dominated media will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so half-assedly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these 3 stars we take increased devotion to that cause for which they drunkenly drove around campus without permit or license —that we here highly resolve that these athletes shall not have scored 38 points against Iowa in vain —that this team, under Groce, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that basketball with joy, aggression, and dunking, shall not perish from this conference.

Cleaning my office, I found my notes from the TV Show Draft...

I guess I didn't note all of the picks, looks like I just made a note when someone drafted something on my list,but this is what I had.

Let me know if you remember any of the picks I don't have
The categories seemed to have been:
- Standard Comedy
- Comedy - Other (Unconventional ?!)
- Drama - Cop/Law/Detective
- Drama - Other
- Sci-Fi
- Cartoon
- Game Show
- Variety

shua:
Seinfeld
Arrested Development
Homicide
Soprano's
Battlestar Galactica
South Park
Jeopardy
Ed Sullivan Show

Tarheel:
All In the Family
???
Law and Order
Dragnet
Star Trek
The Flintstones
???
The Tonight Show

paignful:
MASH
The Office
The Shield
House
X-Files
The Simpsons
Beat the Geeks
SNL

tit:
Cheers
Larry Sanders Show
The Wire
West Wing
Lost
Futurama
The Price is Right
Mr Show

How many of the following have you hired to work for you

Only condition is that you had hiring authority and they worked either for you or a report.

A. Blacks
B. Jews
C. Muslims
D. Catholics
E. Atheist
F. Obese
G. Retard
H. Skinhead
I. Purdue Grads
J. Illinois Grads

Just curious to see if I'm actually the leading Affirmative Action hirer here.

Are you one of those people that tunes into SD channels when the HD version is also available?

I actually do not like high def TV. I never watch high def, not even with sports. The old fashion looking sporting events make me nostalgic, therefore happy.

Sometimes I'll watch QVC in high def because they show the recipes on the side of the screen.

Another time in HS I was going about my business in a deserted bathroom, when a guy I knew walked in

He comes over, "Who's sitting here by themselves in teh stall" and jumps up and grabs the framing cross bar up high to pull himself over for a look.

I'm standing up and trying to pull down my shirt to cover things up. Luckily for me the lock on the stall gives way when he's trying to climb up using his feet. It slams in on my, knocks me back down on my butt onto the toilet seat, he falls off, door bounces back shut. That gave me time to get my pants on, and he was very apologetic when I came out.

i thought i was caught at work once

i had a summer job basically shredding dead files in an office building

just me and the radio and the shredder...the shitty kind too where i had to take out every.staple.

but it was pretty quiet down there and no one ever used the bathroom

they had one young employee....beth...totall hammer and she had that one outfit in the rotation that stopped clocks

so one afternoon i snuck off and finished one off in the basement bathroom

seriously about 15 minutes later the janitor/utility man came in my shredding station and just said

so...didya you oil the blade?

all the blood shot straight from my face to my feet and back again as i just shot out a "NO!...what?!....no...nothing?!"

he then explained that oiling the blade in the shredder would make my job much easier but given my stance he mustve thought it wasnt worth helpin me out and just gave me the shrug off and left

So in high school we had a group of band nerds that'd hang out

One of the underclassman always looked up to me and this other guy. At the end of the hoops year we were playing against rival Boylan. And the thought always was our cheerleaders were better and their's were dogs. So this guy Mike we convinced to get dog bones that we'd slide at teh cheerleaders when they came out. Now here's where things really get off the rails. We didn't get there early so we sat in the nose bleeds. And then Mike shows us what he brought, he got like a huge 2 foot rawhide. So anyhow as the game was winding down he hasn't pulled this prank yet. I look at him and say "if you don't do it now, you'll have that bone and look at it every day for the rest of your life and think 'I was such a loser'". Well next thing i know Mike whips out this bone and launches it. It bounces off the floor and hits someone in the stands square in the chest. We take off, they pull out the wrong suspect. The following week Mike confessed.

random anti-chicken soup story

When I was in grade school, a lot of the cool kids (boys and girls) had friendship bracelets handmade by the cool girls. Nobody ever made one for me. I had a sad. Then one summer my mom signed me up for a class at the local community college where we learned Latin roots to increase our vocabulary (this was probably my idea). There was a girl there named Aleca from another school and I was instantly smitten. She was so cool - like alternative and funky (for the time and age). AND SHE LIKED ME. AND SHE MADE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET. I never took it off that entire summer. Slept with it, bathed with it. Entire civilizations of microorganisms developed, ascended, and collapsed on the underside. When I showed up for school the next year GLOWING with pride, one of the cool girls (Cara C.) asked me where I got it, and I told my story, and she said "yeah right, your mom probably bought it" in front of all the other cool girls, and they all laughed. I never wore it again.

:(

a coworker just came up to me and said

"every once in a while I think of that funny thing you said at our conference and it makes me laugh"

no idea what she's talking about. totally a socially awkward penguin moment.

and yes.

#TeamVulture

ua_dk

hey, the truth hurts around here.....

The "real" good people are forced off because of the crap. Trust me, i know alot of people are thanking me right now for saying this. You can take shots at me all you want because that all this board can really do. So many people get blackballed on here because they didn't "fit" in.

maybe one day when people actually wake up, they will see that this isn't what it's all cracked up to be.

see, this is such a nazi board....

everyone falls in line with hating me. everyone on here is so far up each others ass it's not funny. Thank got we have some actual illini board that has common sense. BTW, i'm not the only one that thinks this board sucks. You should hear some of the thoughts of other people. Some people dont even recongnize this place as a real board because everyone has to be some renegade on here. it's like a country club with losers. A bunch of uptight snobs that doesn't even know what reality is. They wouldn't know even if it bit them on the ass. A bunch of no class jackasses on here that uses 5th grade terms to communicate.

I can't entirely explain it. I just do.

People bringing their kids to work and parading them around is top 10 least favorites things on the planet for me. I know this makes me a dick.. I think they are dirty, annoying, and a huge bother that I don't care to be associated with. Everything about them sucks.

I love this response the best. *pukes in mouth a little*

I'm generally sad for you. Because looking in your kids eyes for the first time, or watching them learn to walk, or learn to read, or any of a number of things is truly awe inspiring. Not a day goes by that I don't think, man if I didn't have my kids Mrs. D and I could take a trip to Hawaii. But then I come home, Josh runs up to me saying "I yuv yu dadeee" and all of the world's problems go away, even if it is for just an instant.

With all due respect, haven't you endured a tremendous amount of stress and trauma due to your child's health issues? I'm not saying you'd take anything back, but at least have a little perspective on how difficult it must be to go through that.

I view kids as a burden that people take on that prevents them from fullfilling their potential as humans. Of course, others would argue the whole point of human existence is to procreate. My dislike for kids actualy escalates as more and more of my friends become absolutely useless to me because they become parents.

Kissing a girl. chicks, have you?

Yes. Just once. Kissing with a tiny bit extra. Had I not been drunk and high on top of that it would have not happened. She came onto me and I gave in. Interesting experience but not as good as kissing a guy (IMO). I like the control and dominance a guy just has naturally.

Howevs, it was pretty hot. Woman are beautiful and i can appreciate, But it's just not my cup of tea. I love sinep.

Embarassing. I have this weird habit of playing with scotch tape all day at work

Maybe because I'm on the phone so much it gives me something to do, but I roll it up and play with a single piece of tape for up to an hour.

Sometimes, when I have to type, I will stick it on my desk, a pad of paper or sometimes even on my person.

My boss just had a 5 minute conversation with me and then asked why I had a piece of scotch tape in the middle of my forehead.

Oof. I need a vaca.

ua_dk

Morning after pill etiquette

Do you have to hang out with a chick both nights of the Hormone roller coaster?

Is one night good enough to limit the bad karma?

Hung out 3 times. Slept together all 3 of them.

Just sharted at Walmart

not good

actually, not a shart but a variation on a theme: trundled quickly into Walmart's RRs up front, occupied. Figured u could make it to the rear (and always superior) thrones next to Layaway. Lots of starts/stops while Charlie chaplaining it. At jeans, bit down hard on the sphincter but the runaway train was too much. Painted a stripe.

In other news , maroon wife beaters on sale

Trivial happiness

when you pee in the morning, and it splits into two streams, and then you remember that you had xes the night before.

when you do it and then fall asleep, whatever didn't come all the way out dries up in your pee hole area, and then when you pee it take awhile for your peestream to force the hole alls the way open, so your stream is crazy for a a few seconds.

Got slapped by an old man today

Over my tie knot (four in hand). Apparently I need to learn the windsor. Getting dressed is hard.

Question for the cat owners

When you clean the litter box, does the cat run in the room and stare at you? I feel like she's saying "Yeah, that's right you asshole.....clean my poop!"

i've had a ####ing bat roost erected for 2 years, and not one single bat has chosen to reside

screw you, you Stevie Wonder, feathered, winged, bipedal, endothermic egg-laying, vertebrates. I've got plenty of mosquitoes, but you are hosing yourself by not living here. Good luck getting dinner. Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays, ####ers.

So an ex of mine had a baby today. The couple decided if girl she names it, boy he does

The boy's name is Archer....after Sterling Archer.

DANGER ZONE!

stupid move of the day

Texting Isher about Curtis orchard and whether or not they have cider donuts. Isher sends a funny reply so I decide to forward it to the wife.

I accidentally chose her work number. No one is there, so Sprint does a text to voice thing where it reads the text onto a VM. So the first person in on Monday will play this message.

"#### YES THERE ARE CIDER DONUTS"

flying cat
ua_dk

I've been thinking for a while about pulling all my old childhood stories into one place

I figure they might make for an interesting addition to my future grandkid's 5th grade geneaology project. Anyway, it's mostly for my own entertainment, but, if you are interested, here is a link:

http://growingupphilo.blogspot.com

A lot of my wife's family worked at a Cargill plant in havana, ill

They brought home some good stuff for the holidays. My brother in law said they have very sharp knives. Mrs sister's husband is a supervisor there. Hates mexican rap music in the parking lot.

Sitting next to Alaska Air CEO

No idea how to chat him up.

Flight crew is fawning over him, combined with Google search. Overheard part of a conversation, asked the flight attendant.

Not in first class, and just thought he would be an interesting person. CEO flew coach, I think it sends a bad message if he doesn't.

So we have a new neighbor. he moved here from Italy during the winter. last night he mowed his lawn

just completed an epic breakup

this girl was the love of my life... but it got to a point tonight where i came to a cross roads, and i know i took the right path. the lines i was dropping... like a movie script. really weird feeling now.

this girl legitimately had mental issues. which in a way i was attracted towards. but it did kind of diminish the exhilaration of my break up speech... because she was trying to cut herself and obviously i couldnt let that happen.

the cutting started on sunday, taking the biggest knife she could find and locking herself in the bathroom. i broke in and she sliced her leg on the inside of the shin about 5 times. did it again monday, and tried to last night. it was just bizarre.

i am concerned for her, but i think mostly it was an attempt to make me feel guilty and apologize for calling her out on her dishonesty. and for anyone out there, i was doing everything i could to de-stress this girl.

its funny because my night with riff raff chick was precipitated by love of life getting with some other guy. yes... i ended up paying for it. $400 at planned parenthood. she was allegedly going to pay me back... but she was never big on living up to her word.

Getting tired of the "I'd sleep with them!" excuse for these awful lists

*Of course* I'd sleep with them. Shorn from morality, marriage, the fears of pregnancy and disease, and blessed with better looks, I'd sleep with 85% of the women at most bars on Friday or Saturday night. If Maxim were going to run a "The IB Would Sleep With List" the thing would look like the f'ing Thomas Register, and there'd be some awfully gamey selections towards the end of that book. I know they can't put out a list consisting of "that MILF who sat in front of you at the theater" and "the one chick they showed three or four times during the Alabama/Auburn game last year." But come on, some of these women are 7s. Are there really only 26 or so 10s in America? We can do better! We must do better.

it doesnt need to be rehashed...

but the bottom line is im taller, im stronger, im smarter... its just not a good matchup for any dog.

you know what #### it...

you and that ####ing taint nugget of a human can have this place.

ban me and the IP please.

admission...

I think the personal attacks are getting out of control here.

It really needs to stop and is making the board unreadable

Because it might get buried below

Unwarranted and unsolicitated recommendation for us to get family therapy made me realize that I'm spinning my wheels here and not getting quite the ROI as I used to think I was getting back in the day. Overall, it's been a waste of my time since 2000. I don't even want to know the number of hours spent here because if I knew, I'll probably cry.

Might look to return someday.

or later tonight.

http://thisisnotawesome.blogspot.com/2007/08/seriously-im-quitting.html

Wow....

The ish is full of pussies.... Really do you warp your kids in a damn bubble? Do you let them play outside? I saw that some would let them play pick up foot ball or kill the man, but organized football was out. Really? I can tell you from personal experience I had more injuries playing football in the back yard. I feel so out of place on this board....

Eff you, Kirk Cameron

This particular banana did not have an easy pull tab. Instead, when I tried to open it, some of the banana goo squirted out the banana seams and onto my pants. Atheist's nightmare, indeed.

gross warning

our friend's daschund always eats tampons out of the trash. imagine pooping those out. occasionally they don't come out on their own, and have to be pulled by the string. i told you it was gross.

so I taped the following note to my neighbors door quite early this morning:

April 7, 2012
About 1 am.

Dear Neighbors,

Since you didn't answer the door that you were obviously whispering to each other behind I guess I’ll have to resort to a stupid passive-aggressive letter to try and get my point across.

In short, I’ve been woken up a couple dozen times in the last few months by you guys. I have no idea what you’re fighting about, although I’m pretty sure I’ve been awoken to the phrase “acting like a child” at least a couple times. The good news for you is that evidently it takes being woken up several times in a single night, and what sounded like you hammering on my damn wall, for me to feel compelled to knock on your door.

Still, maybe you guys could try and pump the breaks on the fights a bit, eh? If you could reduce them by, about 50%... or at least cut out the tossing of things across your apartment and slamming into the wall, that would be awesome.

I realize you two probably enjoy fighting way too much stop altogether, but maybe consider, in the future, one or all of the following:

- Scheduling your multi-times-per-week arguments for daylight hours. If it’s 2PM in the afternoon you can blast Metallica, shout at each other at the top of your lungs, and bang on pots and pans for all I care. Maybe you can actually do this just in an attempt to piss off your totally unreasonable douchebag of a next door neighbor who doesn’t like his common bedroom wall being pounded on at midnight… maybe as a result you’ll bond and fight each other less? fine by me.
- Going outside to fight, the weather is actually quite nice now, and in a few weeks there will be a nice fountain next to the Tree of Five Seasons you can shout at each other next to.
- Learning Sign Language.
- Channeling your anger into one of the many visual arts.

I’m sure you can think of more. At any rate, I would really appreciate it if there could be some solution that allows you to do whatever the hell you want, and allows me a few more nights when I’m not jolted awake by your domestic issues.

(The guy you don’t know and now probably don’t like in Apartment 2008)

Interesting conversation while doing the urinals in BWs

Stepped in front of a guy accidently, while in the bathroom at BWs. He said go ahead when he saw my chief t-shirt. Noticed he had an Illini hat on. He said his brother played OL for the illini and a lot of the players liked Zook. Asked him about the Beckman hire. Said a lot of the players are confused about the situation. Apologized about stepping in front of him. Nice kid.

am I the only one

who likes the feeling of having to go poop?

Extremely sore from curling yesterday

FML I'm old.

vast majority of time, i'm glad i'm a man. but the whole "feeling" that women have after

an O leaves me a little envious.

thoughts?

I was in the bathroom earlier, standing at a urinal and I thought to myself

If I were gay I would spend a lot of time in here peeking over the edges, looking at dicks.

I was just thinking how much I like looking at boobs and I don't have free access to viewing a ton of them, so I figured if dicks were my thing I would take advantage of the situation.

My nephew just got his GED

The girl he married encouraged him to get it. They have a couple kids, but he is enrolling at JC college so he can go to a technical school. Only seemed like yesterday he was fighting kids in HS, because his dad was from the Dominican Repubublic. Never like the crackers in HS. Thumbs up for Diego!

Ok...,my son apparently had his first erec...um, well, you know...he's confused

What do I tell him?
Seriously

The first time I saw a mans penis was at a ponderosa.

Some random dude just threw it at her. At the table

Hindsight

A move beyond moves

At the time I had no clue. Just heard an argument

Lady was screaming. HARD at the guy. About this and that. Once he got loud I turned to see what up. You know just in case he was getting out of hand

But oh no.

He WAs IN hand! Waving it

At

Ponderfvckingrosa

When I was a kid, there weren’t a lot of other kids that lived around me to play with

I lived on the wrong side of the tracks for that. It wasn’t really the “bad” side of the tracks; just more like the “old people with no kids” side. There was a total of 8 kids on my side of tracks, and 6 of them were in my family.
 

There were, though, a couple of kids that I was friends with who lived out on the highway. One summer, one of these buddies had a cousin stay with him for a few weeks. It was nice to have someone new to hang with and to call a friend. He was from a place that I had never heard of called Decatur. He was kind of quiet, but he liked to play baseball, and that was nice. He told us about cable television and a channel called Home Box Office where you could watch movies all the time. It all seemed a little far-fetched to me. I didn’t know it until later, but this kid’s family had all recently been killed in a house fire - his mom and dad, and his brothers and sisters. He was the only one who survived.

After his Philo vacation was over, he went back to live with relatives in Decatur. He gave me his phone number so we could keep in touch. A few times, I called him to see how he was doing.
 

My mom wasn’t happy about me having a friend in Decatur that I wanted to call on the phone. According to her, it was expensive to call there. Whenever she let me call him, she would set an egg timer out, with strict instructions not to be on the phone when the timer was up. That’s okay, though, we usually ran out of things to say before we ran out of sand.

 

Recently, I tried to do a google search of fatal Decatur house fires and his last name, but nothing came up. It would have been interesting to read about it after all these years. It could be that, even though his new home was in Decatur, that isn’t where the fire happened. I’m not sure. To this day, I can't see an egg timer without thinking of my month-long best friend Tim. 

met my old board mod at the grocery store

was buying bagels and some cheese

snuck up behind him, tapped him on his back
he jumped and yelled "holy jeez!"

told him I missed the Deuce from time to time
and all the characters and mods

he said he hadn't banned a soul in years
and for that, he thanked the gods

*piano interlude*

I told him we should go and get a drink
he said he had to get back home

I said I'd post about this on the ish
and he said "whatever, drone"

we talked about the internet
we talked about the now

tried to find important stuff to say
but neither one knew how

we talked about the internet
we talked about the memes

we both remarked how all this stupid crap
ain't as urgent as it seems

by now we both were walkin out the door
he took a left, I took a right

and as I turned to make my way back home
the Deuce faded from sight

Tough day at my son's house

He had hemorrhoids cut out yesterday at a specialist. His wife went to the hospital with diarrhea and vomiting today. He told me he hopes he doesn't get her diarrhea.

Dude

I was president of my frat, I've seen a naked women or two, and my wife already knows I don't meet her standards on that end.

Elway doesn't believe Tebow is the answer.

From the guy that bolted to Denver rather than being drafted by the Colts. The libs in Denver won't have Tebow as the QB. Consumer reports says so.

Elway will run Tebow out of town. Elway refused to be drafted by the Colts in a draft. Old horseface is doing the same thing. Tebow is winning. They cannot stand it in Denver because he is a Christian. Elway lies.

Elway acts like he is above it. He refused to go to the Colts. Read the history. "I want to play for a winner" Horseface.

Elwya is an arrogant horseface loser that had to go to a winner. Where did he come from in college. Stanford. His daddy made him change his mind from going to the Colts. Golpher face!

Consumer Reports is based in Colorado. My customer had the new issue on his table. Read it during lunch. Biggest Apple based rag, piece of garbage, one sided, gov supported, lib supported. Out of breath. Have a good night friends. Don't believe what you read.

Harry Carays

A Spanish girl served my food to me. She told my wife her food would be ready "sometime". Mrs Colt got in her face. The girl barked back. I ordered more beer for me. My wife got her food and wouldn't eat it. I ordered more beer for me. My wife cried as we went back to the hotel. I had more beer in the hotel bar. We did touchy feely in the elevator. a nice night.

Just got a call to interview at Target

what kind of company schedules its interviews to take place at Target?

Did one of you call me?

Came up as an Oregon number...

My parents took me to a restaurant exactly ONE time as a kid

That was when I was 10 and we all went to Hardee's for Christmas Eve dinner. I kid you not, we never ate out at a restaurant any other time.

Best way to eat popcorn

Girly way of eating one kernel at a time. The few kernels at a time. The grab a fistful and crunch it down.

sadly, my parenting style is a lot like bruce weber's coaching

lots of shouting the same things over and over to my kids to no effect. i belabor every effing thing to the point where i make pretty much nothing fun. they seem to always tune me out. i can't let anything go -- i keep reminding them what they did wrong and will shoehorn the issue hours later in a completely different context.

i also bow to outside comments and will suddenly obsess on something based on something that was said. for example, we'll go weeks without practicing letters and after a comment from the KG teacher that no.1 son is a little behind in that respect, i'll freak out when i get home, drag him out of bed, sit him down and go r. lee ermey. to him, it probably seems like some kind of al queda attack. one minute, he's drifting off to sleep and the next, he finds himself trying to prop his head up at a table while i'm shouting to him about the 1 line that makes all the difference between E and F. then, nothing for three weeks after that.

also, i have a total inability to work the ref (mrs), frequently leaving me with ridiculous expressions on my face.

and i will throw the kids under the bus when mrs calls me on something we were supposed to do.

peole can just go ####off on here because people dont want actually talk.

i just asked a question. The game was on the line and a hit or something more could have meant a lot in this game. it was worth the risk if it worked out. i'm done with the ####tards on this ####ing board. Also. heatmizer cansuck my dick the women beater. I've heard things about the the piece of shit.

really to all the single people out there...

i just want to stress that you have to be careful. its so easy to lose sight of the consequences, but a one night encounter just cost me hundreds of dollars, hours of my life taking 4 tests at 3 facilities... and multiple life times worth of stress... and im very fortunate that everything was negative.

i think it was nookie who had a thread a few weeks back about 'is it worth it'... i didnt want to post on it at the time because my situation was still undetermined, but the answer is absolutely not. honestly, i feel like i crawled out my own grave today.... im leaving it alone for a longgg time.

in this situation... she kinda took it there before i had a chance. i mean, im not saying she raped me, but it wasnt really consensual.

it was like this: we met at a party... a week or two later she calls or texts me... wanting to get dinner real quick. i was cool with that.

now, this paints me in a bad light, but im going to tell it because someone out there might be in a similar situation one day and benefit from my advice. so we were at her place hanging out after. she was on the bed watching some tv show. i was like, thinking out loud and said if im going to be in the bed id be more comfortable taking my jeans off. cause i really just dont feel good having clothes on in bed. i meant that in sincerity, not game. now, she is like, actually, id prefer you naked. now, i was fine with that, but i really wasnt expecting it to go further... i wasnt going to make a move. she was touching me and stuff while watching the show, which was fine... but then she got up, and i thought she was getting off the bed, but she got on top.

and really, there was probably a second or two second window where i could have acted... but at the time i was afraid to hurt her feelings by suggesting she wasnt clean.

There was a girl in my gradeschool who really smelled, so they called her Skunk

I really felt bad for her and tried to be nice to her. ...but she REALLY smelled.

After I was redirected to the bathroom, I went across the hall

...and started knocking on our neighbours door.

Fully Nekkid.

When asked WTF I was doing, I responded "I am trying to close the curtains!"

He's a Buckeye so whatever. ..

I guess I tried to poop in my fridge at 2am this morning

I was REALLY drunk.
In the vegetable crisper to be more precise.

Topic blowing my mind today (as I enjoy my porksteak)

Written language.

What was it like coming up with that?! "I think we'll call this 'f'." ok I get that much, but how do you describe what 'f' sounds like? YOu can't write it "eff" or "ph" because you're just coming up with the language!

Go Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuueeesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They will be better than the hawks.. Bank on it. Blues have more depth after looking at the rosters.

ok, you tell me how they are better? you look at that roster for both teams and tell me how theyr are better overall than the Blues? Beyond the first 2 lines, the Hawks dont have much. The Blues go 3-deep with their lines and i think the Blues d is better also.

Even the first 2 lines aren't that ridiculously different between the 2 teams. The Blues have a lot of talent too.

It's a shame that your top 4 are not that great either. I will take Shattenkirk and Petroangelo over your top 2 any day of the week. Keith and Seabrook are not as good as Petro and Shattenkirk. I actually think the Blues top 4 are better

I just checked out the career stats of all 4 and Shatty and Petro have a better skillset to start their careers then Keith and seabrook. Both Blues players have more points in their first full season in the NHL than Seabrook and Keith. If you want to go by a start of a career, the Blues players are better right now. Not taking anything away from the other players, but i think i would rather have these 2 if i had to choose. Not saying i would lose out with the other 2, but to start a franchise, i would have to go with the Blues young guns.

it's all about depth.. i dont care about the other stuff. Blues have more depth. The Hawks didn't win it lastyear because of the lack of depth. Didn't they just barely get in lastyear? Seriously, thats not too impressive.

I started to panic once when I couldn't find my iPhone.

I was holding it.
Using it as a flashlight.
To look for my iPhone.

Looks like we will be getting free eggs.

Mrs water aerobic instructor raises chickens. She told my wife she has too many eggs to get rid of and will bring her in a couple dozen each Friday. I get so tired of breakfast cereal. We are talking fried eggs and corned beef hash next week. No wimpy breakfast.

Ran into the local jr high bicycle gang

Went on my 10 mile ride tonight. To hit the bicycle trail, I always go through the local housing(They drive nicer cars thn I do). Coming back a group of young kids on bicycles headed straight for me. They hollared "Chicken!" I rang my bell and went straight through them. They scattered. Effin little white trash. They cursed and hollared. It was glorious.

That guy did things to my ham flower that I didn't even know were possible

Linkin question

So this douchebag that use to work here just Linkin me as a college. Full disclosure, he has a drinking problem and I haven't seen him in maybe 4 years.

He use to be a friend of guys that I use to hang out with, so our paths would cross outside of work.

Here are a few of the things that he's done in the past:
* he picked a fight with me on New Years Eve at a bar....he was drunk and thought I was making a pass at his date, when I was really hitting up the other single lady at our table...his date wanted to be as far away from him as possible because he was loaded.
* got into a fight with my fiance and her friend at the skiing lodge. When my fiance's friend punched him, he complained to the bartender that a girl punched him....the bartender just laughed and walked away. Again, loaded.
* we were on a beach weekend, wishing my friend farewell (he was relocating to CA), and the night before going out deep water fishing, he came in at ~3am, with a air horn, waking everyone up.
* on our skiing trip, I made a huge amount of chili for the trip, he put it on the stove, and left the burners going, burning/ruining the chili...never said sorry
* he had a broken ankle one year, and had a motorized scooter....drove that down the staircase at the cabin, ruining it (who cares) and damaging the cabin...not sure who paid for the damages (I didn't).

It goes on and on....my fiance would avoid us when we went skiing because of him.

I want to tell him to bugger off, can you do that on Linkin?

kids say the darndest things

Last night whilst pooping my 3 year old son informed me that his balls were and I quote: " my penis' beard".

so my kid wore a cubs t-shirt to summer camp today

it's the blue shirt with the big red C in a white circle logo. the camp is located at a place that has a pool, where old dudes swim in the morning. three of them and one old lady all commented on what a great shirt he had on. one of the wrinklier of the old guys leaned down and told him that it was a wonderful choice and that would build character (my kid has no idea what this means; in any event, he did what he also does when strangers talk to him -- smile nervously and protect his crotch with his hands).

anyway, i thought it odd that so many would comment on it. i was steering the young dudes toward the dodgers but maybe it's time to rethink that decision.

*there is one untruth in the above post.

That stupid thing is STILL missing, and I really could've used it last night. :(

I mean WTF? FAKE WIENERS DO NOT JUST WALK OFF, PEOPLE!

i was 1 min from sleep when i saw this.

serious poll. arthur kirkland vs. k-9 unit german shepherd
lets end the debate

got up and took a mac cam pic so that the debate can at least be an educated one.

question: when i rub my dog Lola's belly and invariably stroke a elppin to and fro

am i in any way pleasuring her like i have so many women in the past (before mrs.)?

i only raise the question because the other night, i swear i saw Lo smile.

Well, my fake wiener is MIA

Wonder where my children put it?

Re: To all my friends without children

Trying to explain myself a little bit here. Sorry so many of of misinterpreted what I was saying and I'm troubled (honestly) that you found it patronizing. IF you poke around at some of the other posts, and my bio, you'll see I'm a standup comic and a comedy writer.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 2:24 am
careful there friend, keep it up and you just might EARN AN ENEMY!

Quant July 14, 2011 at 9:29 am
Will this turn into a giant orgy?

CHEF-D July 14, 2011 at 9:39 am
I KNOW NONE OF YOU GET SEX

Phil July 14, 2011 at 9:48 am
14th and Minna. Bring a baggie.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 10:16 am
Jason, long time reader, first time commenter. So sorry that your comments were misinterpreted by the people. They obviously should not be allowed to breed…slowly, or even all.
Keep up the good work. Girls, PM me. /s/ bbonb

kristin July 14, 2011 at 11:14 am
There will always be someone (or several someones) who will find something to get on a soap-box about no matter what. I think I can safely say that most of us knew exactly what you meant and thought it was a great article. You sound like a great parent.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 11:15 am
after a perusal of your blog here….ive noticed there are no posts about delightful rotund boots…not even delving into their societal persecution vs the ability for it to break a man down to their vunerable core with just the sight of it…
this along will make at least the digs happy and if you make the digs happy god kisses the bellies of 10 random babies
you dont hate babies do you?

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 11:25 am
kristin sounds hott*

taz July 14, 2011 at 11:38 am
pics of kristin plz

Melanie July 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm
As someone without children I love all of your blog, and totally understood where you were coming from. People need to lighten up. I am very understanding of my friends with little ones. And I get that mid conversation sometimes they are going to have to run or hang up the phone. Thanks for a great blog and your honesty.

paignfull July 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm
what size jeans do you wear melanie?
*wink*

Isher July 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Wait, that was supposed to be a humor column? That’s even worse since it was pretty painfully unfunny.

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
The Internet. Encouraging people to intentionally misunderstand each other since 1990.

BigBolognaOnBrad July 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Melanie,
In case you were wondering, I have latex-free gloves back at my pad.

Mr Papa Del July 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
How long does a dude have to wait for a nice, well-cooked frank? Just an FYI, Im finna throw a big fit soon if I dont get one.

Art July 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Nothing about humans fightin’ bears or chimps? This blog bores me.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm
@Art – I’ve fought every sort of dog on the planet, and I bet I could take a bear or a chimp, if push came to shove. It’s a matter of will to live.

C0LT July 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Me and Mrs. C0lt have kids. Back when we were first married our friends wanted to go to the drive in and have some malteds. We said no. Malteds taste good.

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Hi Jason
Don’t worry about these idiots. After a quick google search, it looks like they are just a bunch of ####s. Harmless little gnats.
Keep up the good work.
Terry

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm
if i had a friend like you i would fight you at a gas station in funkhouser.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm
mr dad meet me at the gas station in oquawka and i will fight you.

Jeff Frank July 14, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hi Jason. I enjoyed the column. I am one of the single guys who feels sorry for my friends when they get married and have kids and can rarely do anything and when they want to need to get permission to do it.
Just ignore the invaders. That is a board where most of the the negative malcontents migrated. Many of them were kicked off of other boards for their poor behavior. Condescension surrounds them like the cloud that surround Pigpen.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 7:52 pm
jeff frank you insulted me for the last time. i will fight you at a gas station in chittyville.

arthurkirkland July 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm
@Jeff – “…when they want to need to get permission…?” Who taught you English? Go back to your three television set-up for your DVR-delayed game-watching.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:01 pm
How about kids on planes? Slap them, then the parents.

haighter July 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Jeff Frank puts the hot dogs on first…

terpjay July 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Guys, I think Jason is just trying to be humorous. I don’t think he really puts on the hotdogs first!

taz July 14, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I can poop rainbows.

chadinla July 14, 2011 at 8:35 pm
There’s nothing (cm) about this blog.
Hey, Jason….we should compare routines sometime!

NOVA July 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Reminder: you are allowed fo have a civil discussion of Jason’s record as a parent but any speculation about his future, or posting of unsubtantiated rumors about his kids are against the FAQ.
You are being watched.

BirdyEdwards July 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm
3 Things:
1. You should try
5.

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Jesus, don’t you people have a ####ing life? Oh, wait. You don’t. That’s obvious after taking a quick look at your “message board”.
A quick review of discussion topics?
1. “Who is Hotter?” – a bunch of sex-deprived grown men rate two attractive women and cast their vote for which one they would will be jerking off to later tonight.
2. “I got a $50 gift card at Pepboys” – enough said. Go #### yourself with that new tire iron you pick up, okay?
3. Random “I watch this TV show and that TV show” shit.
4. “I lost my dildo” – maybe this poster should meet up with some of the posters from 1.
5. “My girlfriend dumped me because I have a small dick. What should I do?” #### you.
And the list goes on.

darrin July 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm
mr dad you should know who you mess with before you talk. i will fight you at the gas station in banklick.
espn talking like larussa not coming back.

CHEF D July 14, 2011 at 9:18 pm
OPIEZ SHOULD THINK OF THEIR FAMILIES BEFORE YUO FOOLISHLY STEP.
CHEF D,
COOKIN UP TROUBLE FO WHITEY

Philo July 14, 2011 at 9:40 pm
This blog reminds me of one time when I was in the third grade. The nuns told my mom that I shouldn’t make fun of people who were dumber than me. I cried. The end.

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Have a next door neighbor who has a blog. Kid puts videos up on youtube. The kid isn’t funny. He should try to be a waiter at wild wings. Had big beers on the way home. Cicadas going nuts outside. Lifes good.

roughyorange July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
this season is going to suck

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Mr. Dad, if you find my lost fake wiener, will you let me know? Thanks!

jumpingdan July 14, 2011 at 9:47 pm
please post pictures of the hotdogs!

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:48 pm
This blog reminds me of my boobs: it’s awesome, it has a white background, and I’m going to show most of it to everyone I know.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Crap, I thought for sure Jackie wouldn’t find me here….

colt July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
egypt!

Mr. Dad July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Jackie
Sounds like your snatch, too. It’s open to everyone.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Everyone except YOU LOSERS.
And my butt is, of course, being saved for somebody special.

Mia July 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Don’t tell Jackie I’m hiding out here. She’s gonna burn out my motor. Again.

wikipediabrown July 14, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Looks like our precious Michelle Bachman doesn’t like brown people

PMan July 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm
As a brown American, I am offended.

Donutz July 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm
As we had said all along Jason Good isn’t While other have said he was mediocre at best we have always maintained that he was terrible. Comedy is fluid so we reserve the right to say something later and claim that we have known it all along.

Jackie July 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm
BURN ON MY SNATCH!

chilango July 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I noticed your post about shoes. Don’t you realize man isn’t physiologically designed to wear shoes?

Dee July 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Anyone have some ranch?

SF July 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Anyone know where to find some good Ceviche?

mhock July 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm
If anyone grills hot dogs before I get my ribeye, I will sue the crap out of them. Don’t believe me? Just freakin try me. I swear I’ll sue. Just ask brumby. He knows me. I’ll sue.

VIV July 14, 2011 at 10:34 pm
If I have time later I will make a nice reduction sauce for the hot dogs using a mixture of spices I keep in a tuperware container.

deux July 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Who is hotter?: kristin or Melanie

gig July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
I hate the spin doctors, who listened to that crap anyway?

Taylor Ittu July 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Dude, I feel your pain. Like deja vu seriously.

pdx July 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm
@ Jackie – please post pics of anything that’s awesome and has a white background.

Holly July 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Seriously no more comments. My blog doesn’t have enough space for any more.

Isher July 14, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Nice Laydown

Detlef July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
FIRE MR. DAD! *pounds on desk* DEMAND EXCELLENCE!

Yoyo July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Nice laydown

Brumby July 14, 2011 at 10:56 pm
If you merge your site with the News-Gazette then all these creeps will go away.
Plus, I’m pretty sure they’d give you a column.

NAX July 14, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Does anyone here know anything about Orland Park?
thanks. just wondering.

Group Guy July 14, 2011 at 11:02 pm
You have a great business model here.
I should know, I got my MBA from Kellog.
I’m working on a JD from General Mills.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Has anyone seen my wolftie?

allesandranrojo July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I hast token a loads off.

DanSaint July 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm
CHOKEONACOCK!!

Isher July 14, 2011 at 11:12 pm
Telling

gig July 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm
no reduction sauce for my wiener!!!

Simmering July 14, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Free show on Saturday night at Canopy Club.
Hope to see you all there, should be a great time!

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
I have both Ass and Sin in my name
Whats my name ?

Assassin July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Marcus aint a friend

Jason Good July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Fff

Bruceweberforprez July 14, 2011 at 11:28 pm
We had a calf a couple days ago. Anyone seen it?

BBMDL July 14, 2011 at 11:31 pm
I BET NONE OF YOU LIFT WEIGHTS!

thank you Orange roughy....

You just totally embarrassed me on another board, but thats ok. I guess if that makes you feel any better then sobeit. if you thought i did the same thing, then i guess you got me back. Now, you have made it impossible for myself to have any credibility, but thats ok because it makes you feel better. Why dont you go ahead and embarrass me on the scout board while you are at it? Might as well try to destroy me in every way possible. You win because you have the power of your own blog. I guess some people have to read it and listen.

you dont want to know what "being owned" is trust me you better make that last word you ever say to me you got me???

Him saying that i was "being owned" was the wrong thing to say to me right now. It's one thing to say i got you back for what you said, but to take it a step forward and saying you are "owning" me, thats throwing the first punch and all you did is piss me off even more.

going through a few orphan garage boxes..

and, while it's hard to remember when ( it was before mrs), i actually purchased in-line roller skates when i was living in seattle. i don't think i ever used them. now i need to dispose of them, murder-weapon style.

mrs' laughing escalated quickly to a near wheezing.

me (squirming a bit): " er, WHOSE are those? "
mrs: don't even try.
me: "wha...? what makes you think those are mine?"
mrs: "because i can fit my head in them?"
pwned.

4 women who made a big impression on me as a little kid

Baseball Playing Gayne: In the early seventies, there were no organized sports in Philo for young girls. And a girl had never asked to be allowed to play Little League baseball. I’m guessing that her parents talked it out with the folks in charge beforehand, because when we gathered for our first practice one year, Gayne showed up and acted as if she had every right in the world to be there. We laughed about it a little bit, but I don’t remember anyone giving her any grief. It had never occurred to us that a girl would ever want to play on a real team. We were only 8 or 9 years old, so it wasn’t like there was a huge talent difference between Gayne and us boys. The next year, a couple more girls played. Years later, they added softball. Gayne broke the gender barrier in Philo sports.

Craig’s mom: One day during recess, we were playing buck-buck on the school playground. We weren’t supposed to be playing because the nuns said it was too dangerous. Craig lived about a block away, and during lunch that day, his mom walked down to drop off his lunch. It was 30+ years ago, but I still remember her walking up wearing an orange tank top with no bra underneath. Every boy just stood there and stared while she and Craig talked along the side of the road. You would have thought we were all staring at a naked woman.

Mizz Whats-her-name: When I was in 3rd grade, I was pulled out of my regular classroom to work on the pronunciation of my N’s and S’s with the speech teacher. For part of the year, the teacher’s name was Ms. Something. The unusual thing about this is that NO ONE had ever been called “Mizz” before. It was always Mrs. or Miss. I remember her taking a few minutes to give us a mini lesson in women’s lib and to explain what being called “Mizz Such-and-such” meant. It was like she had invented a new word or something. I couldn’t wait to go home and tell mom about it.

Next door neighbor Tammy: One day when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was playing in the lot next door with some neighbor kids, including Tammy, who was probably 5 years older than me. The lot included a garden full of sweet corn. I had to go pee, so I walked over to the corn. Tammy told me that I had to try to run around the entire corn “field” *while* I was peeing. I don’t remember her daring me to do it – she just told me matter-of-factly that I had to. I did it, and I remember getting pee all over me, including in my mouth. I started crying and Tammy told me that if I told anyone what happened, that she would kill me. I kept my mouth shut, which is what I should have done while I was peeing. I was scared of not only Tammy, but of her whole family. More than once, her dad told me the story of how he got shot in the mouth during "the war". The bullet knocked out all his 4 front teeth and lodged in the back of this throat. Tammy's older brother Mike went to Vietnam. When he came back, he had a tattoo and an earing. He was the first guy I had ever seen with an earing. It freaked me out.

Too sexy for my office

My poor boss had to deliver the uncomfortable message that someone had complained that my appearance is "distracting."

It's a fitting dress with some exposed cleavage. I've worn it before. And I've worn tops with more objectionable cleavage. *shrug

So we're at the Schmucks this afternoon

and I'm in the checkout. I've let the girls go over to the candy and gum machines to spend a couple of quarters so I can have a moment's peace.

Suddenly, J-Train runs over to me, sobbing, and thrusts something in my face and yells "I DIDN'T WANT THIS!!!!"

I'm all, "What?" and take the ball from her and look. It appears to be just a plastic black and gold striped ball, about the size of a big meatball. I ask, "What is it?"

She yells, "It's a stupid ball! I put my quarters in the wrong machine, and I want more money so I can get something else!"

I said, "I'm sure you're disappointed, but you're not getting more money. You'll just have to be more careful next time with your quarters."

I turn the ball over and see a Mizzou logo.

Then I add, "Eww, Mizzou! I gotta admit, kid, you did get super ripped off here."

How the eff is Ambien even legal?

Took some to sleep last night, and apparently scared the crap out of the wife. Called her down to the basement to tell her that the light was crawling the walls and I was scared because I didnt know if it was going to take me to sleep or to hell. Then, I proceeded to [front] grope her while staring at the DVR light. How is a drug that does that approved by the FDA?

I just p^ssed all over myself at work...

in the can, standing at a urinal talking to the dude next to me about how nice the weather is..."blah blah blah, gonna play golf this weekend, yeah, should be nice, beautiful day, you know it, hahahaha, blah blah"...goes on for 20-30 seconds. I look down and the stream of piss is hitting my shirt tail that is sticking out a bit (I mean a lot, you know, I'm huge) and then forming a perfect stream to my crotch...my pants are very effective at catching all the piss as it looks like none hit the floor.

Walk back to my office was not awesome; grabbed a 'Penske' file to cover the damage. Supposed to go to happy hour in an hour or so. Good times.

let me say this about the night life in portland

it's 5x that of seattle, which sucks ass, so that's not saying much.

a few great areas with lots of potential. except i've never seen a bigger collection of hipster####ingdirtylosers in my life.

and one more thing: if you're a gay bar, how about a little rainbow or a pink dot or SOMETHING in your sign or entrance door for a clue?

i might as well have set the guy's hair on fire.

walking along, minding my business in helsinki. then got the call.

"oh, #### me."

so i spot this big hotel. can't find the lobby loo. go to the front desk and pull out my map and ask for directions to someplacenotatoliet. i smile and thank her. " oh, where is the restroom?"

" it's around the corner. through our restaurant."

that's an x factor that doesn't bode well, historically, i'm thinking.

find it and it's half the size of my dorm room in taft. and there's a separate door for the sorry-piece of plastic uni-bucket they call a toliet. i open the door and have to curtsey with it to get behind it just to close it. just in time -- and in concert with a few coughs -- bowels evacuated. i've been walking for two hours, it's hot, there's no A/C and now i'm sweating like a pig. perfect.

i see the door lock twist. some poor bastard is trying to get in. "bad day for you, mother####er" i'm thinking. but i bee-line out and as i dance with door to get out, the guy is nearly rushing the door to get in. i'm staring at the floor the whole time, but the sick part of me does look up to steal a glance into his euro-eyes to see dreams of an age completely dashed. as he's closing the door, i hear sort of a walrus moan.

in the business, we call that a two-fer.

Gave my neighbor kid an old wood baseball bat.

They were out pitching and catching balls. He grew up without bucks. I let them play ball in the back yard. The kids were rubbing the wood bat like it was treasure. "Where did you get that mister?" Priceless.

you wanted a cow story

So late last week I had a cow getting close to calve. I was pretty excited about it as it is one of my favorite cows as far as quality goes, and I had trouble getting her to breed last year. (she was bred, dropped the pregrancy) Thursday night around 11, I walked out in the pasture to go check on her. Everything looked good and I figured she would probably calve overnight. I got up at around 5 the next morning, and walked out to the pasture. She had a very nice little heifer calf dried off and at her side. The calf was healthy and had already nursed. I finished feeding, and went off to work.

After work I got home I needed to go out and weigh and tag the calf. I went out to the pasture and started looking for the calf. I could not find the calf anywhere. I found the cow but no calf. I walked up over a little hill and on the other side of it found this.



What I found was half of a calf carcass. The carcass was seperated right in front of the pelvic bone. Just the rear legs and a tail were there. As you can guess I am all WTF. There was no blood, no guts, nothing other than the bottom half of this calf. My mind was pretty much racing at a million miles an hour. It would take something either extremely strong, or several animals to break a calf at the spine. My mind first turned to the thought of a mountain lion. They aren't supposed to be in Illinois but there are countless rumors of people seeing them in our county (even my neighbor). Then I thought possibly a pack of dogs or coyotes but it would be crazy unusual for either especially with a herd of cows to deal with.

I literally ran back to my house trying to figure out what to do since I have many other calves running around in the pasture. I decided to go back out in the pasture to see if I could find anything else. I came back, this time with a gun and searched all over, but found absolutely nothing. I also learned I am a puss. Even carrying a gun the thought of large cat had me crazy scared walking through a piece of woods on our pasture. It started getting dark so I went back up the house not finding a thing other than the carcass.

Saturday morning I decided I needed to go look again. I looked in some new spots that I hadn't covered the night before and still nothing. I decided to go look towards where the cows were laying in the far corner of the pasture. As I am walking along I stumble across a calf that I don't have tagged. I didn't have anything else close to calving, so again I am all WTF?? The calf is healthy and strong. It gets up and runs over to the cow that calved Thursday night/Friday morning and immediately starts nursing. It was pretty obvious that it was her calf. At this point I am pretty much baffled.

I started taking inventory of all cows/calves and everyone is account for which made me wonder what calf did I find Friday night.

The conclusion I have drawn is that I found a dead calf from someone elses herd. (the closest herd that I know is about 2 miles away) My guess is that they had a dead calf and either shallow buried it or put it somewhere to rot. Coyotes then carried it to my place where the back half of the carcass found its way coincidentally in to my pasture. I stumbled across it when looking for the newborn calf who was probably hiding in the tall grass somewhere. The carcass wasn't what i would call fresh, but it wasn't days old either and I just dismissed it since it was about 97 on Friday. This is my best explanation and would explain the lack of blood and guts and rest of the body.

It was quite the range of emotions between Friday nand Saturday morning. From happy to WTF to scared to baffled to happy once again. I have a call in to the neighboring farm to see if they think it could have came from their place.

Here is a happy cow/calf (not the cow/calf in question) picture to cleanse the palate

pic of the new MILFmoblie

one of my colleagues ran to my boss the other day and told him I attacked him and made him feel like

he was working in a hostile environment.

He came to me looking to vent against one of our preferred vendors (he's often complaining about vendors not doing good work for him - unless it's the vendor he tried to bring in) and I tried to offer him advice and suggestions to help resolve an issue they've had for the past 4 weeks.

he hadn't thought to do any of the things I suggested, and outright rejected them as plausible next steps or possibilities, got defensive and angry, and when I told him he was acting like an "know-it-all who knew more than everyone else and so no other scanario could possibly be right" he stormed off, came back to tell me it would do no good to go to the vendor's shop to see what they were seeing, and stormed off again still muttering something from his office loud enough for me to hear he was talking but not loud enough for me to hear what he was saying.

I blew it off as a disagreement. I hadn't gotten mad at all and in fact the conversation was no different than any disagreement I've had with any other people here, though he did get a little loud when he got defensive, and obviously he got mad when he stormed off.

Instead of coming back to me to chat about it after a cooldown period...he went and tattled to our supervisor the first chance he had (he marched over there a minute after we had talked, but our boss wasn't in his office, and so he paced outside his office in the hall).

My boss shot me an email that night saying we needed to talk about it, and I was confused. my response was "Really? What's there to discuss?" And he knew right away that since I didn't know what the hell this was about that Jared had blown this out of proportion, and once he heard my side of the story, said that the advice I gave to Jared ended up being the same advice he gave to him after Jared was done tattling. thanked me for trying and said he'd tell Jared that next time, don't go looking for advice if you're not prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. Said there was no need to apologize for calling him a "know-it-all".

Our former boss used to tell us she was tired of him tattling on us for disagreeing with him. This is a 35 year old man.

This dude offices right next to me, and though I wasn't at all upset about him getting defensive and mad, I now want to kill him for being a little thin-skinned b###h.

FYI: Dear Mr. Internet is Serious Business...

Thanks for meching me and emailing my potential boss. Thanks a bunch.

P.S. Go #### yourself with ####ing aids infected dick.

P.P.S.: I hope you die in a tirefire.

i am sufficiently boozed to ask: is there a proper way to ask out a worker at panera?

this girl is some sort of day manager but usually is working behind the counters or in back. but she kills me. so cute and friendly to people.

(and she's well over 16 creepers)

How come the threads I click don't turn green anymore?

Haven't since I switched phones?

I mean orange.

Sometimes I get green and orange mixed up and call one or the other by the wrong name.

First, let me say I'm an animal lover.

I'm not big on pets -- not from an animal rights perspective -- because they are smelly, dirty and they eff up their things. And I'm done for cleaning up other people's poo (with one exception, which hopefully won't be an issue soon).

So when I go to the zoo (pre-kids), the discussion always was on a 1-10 scale, the likelihood of killing an animal with a baseball bat. you are wearing jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt. It sparks good discussion. I think a leopard clocks in around where your high school batting average was + .1, multiplied by 10.

im not saying i would relish the challenge

but just that at the end of the day in a kill or be killed scenario it would not be a good match up for the dog. yes he might bite my arm, but i could easily club the shit out of him with my other arm. more likely it would KO it. dogs have really small heads. im not sure they could survive a solid punch.

yeah, but even at 100lbs its still 80+ lbs less than me. and like 4 feet shorter. and very limited...

it might get in a good bite or two, but even if it jumped up on me, i could jump use the leverage to slam it to the ground. game over. it doesnt make sense to me that this is remotely controversial.

if it's biting your throat, it would be easy to grapple the dog and break its neck at that point, and thats assuming i didnt preempt a bit with a forearm or punch. obviously ive never engaged in this kind of combat, but i dont really see any scenario where a dog could kill me.

im pretty realistic. probably maxing out at the dog. some of the smaller predatory cats, maybe. id like think a smaller bear, like a black bear.... in the right circumstances could be feasible... but idk enough about their capabilities to say for certain.

Premature closure update:

Just got a call from the painter guy wanting to set up a time to assemble furniture. So, that's gonna get done. Yay.

Whilst discussing price:

Me: How much do you want for this?
HPG: I dunno, what do you think?
Me: I seriously have no clue. I don't know how long it will take, what's involved, whatever.
HPG: Uh, maybe like $30?
Me: That seems kinda chintzy. How about $40?
HPG: Interesting. I was hoping you'd go down instead of going up.

OK, now even I have to admit he probably wants to do me.

Yup, they're all done now

In theory he's coming back tonight to assemble some furniture for me.

Yeah, we'll see.

People, please never question my instincts in these things. You will never believe how tragicomic my "love life" is because you cannot experience it yourself, and it truly must be experienced to be believed.

DO NEVER TEST

i timed my youngest girl as she ran to the mailbox last night

and i noticed her legs were all over the fvcking place. And she's the "athlete" of the two.
Not sure if i should be concerned.

not too bight, socially inept, creeps people out.

well, i just got back from Effingham and.....

As you can see, someone is all talk. I was there for about 4 hours at a gas station nearest the interstate. I would have stayed longer to wait, but my buddy at some point in time has to get get back to his wife and kids.

i was challenged by someone and they didn't back it up. I gave him plenty of time to show up from the time the arguement started. he actually has an advantage because of the fact that he has seen me, but i haven't seen him and he still choked. You either show up or shut up.

At this point in time it is over with because what he says means nothing now because he doesn't back anything up. I dont care what people on here think of me and what you think of what i did today. If someones going to challenge my manhood, i'm going to respond. i'm not a phoney like some people.

As for some people wanting to know physical stature, When i first had that pic taken 10 years ago i was about 165 pounds,now, i'm up to 224 and i have been in extensive training for several years now. I do box and also do MMA fighting and training. I do spar alot and i do have a lot of challengers because of what i practice. Always a smartass out there that wants to see how tough you are.

I am confident in my ability and not afraid of him or anyone else. I know some wont believe it, but i dont think i have to prove anything to anyone on here anymore. Someone had their chance and they choked (as i see that they posted long after the arguement).

So in closing, this whole thing is over as far as i am concerned. I stood my ground and it looks like i had no challengers after all.

from now on i will just laugh at any idol threat from people on here.