PSA: fire is hot...so is metal that's been sitting on fire

doh

i jovr akk you giud.

wisu d voifd gave bere acuof moter recemntelty

when I was a kid, we used to visit my cousins who lived in southern Missouri.

They had deer ticks, and since dad was a physician he was always concerned about Lyme disease (or some other crazy tick disease from 20 years ago). Anyway, my uncle ran a church camp down there. So we would go visit; they had woods and a lake and ball fields and all kinds of fun stuff.

Every night, tho , we had to have the tick inspection. After we took a shower, dad would inspect me and my brother. We always had at least one tick on us that he would have to extract. Usually with a pair of tweezers.

One night I was under tick inspection, and pop found a tick. In a private area. On my sac. Bear in mind, I was probably about 9 years old. So he tells me to lay down; I lay down and he gets his tweezers. It's about this time I realize that what he thinks is a tick is what I know to be a mole.

I tell him "it's just a mole". He didn't believe me. So he tugs on it "why won't this tick come out" while I'm yelling "it's just a mole! It's just a mole!"

he finally stopped tugging.

im.a hard core conservative

Proud as hell to of grown up in a county that votes about 95% republican

or course you would think that, thank god .homoism is a choice you failed to make correctly
Of course based on the pictures I've seen its no surprrise you are a lesbian no normal man would get within 100ft of loving you

i have moved out and despite a 20% paycut im still probably making more tuan you
Thankfully I'm confident enough in myself. that I don't have to resort to homosexuality as my only hope of love

ive said what i needed to say

True story:

When we were little kids (like 3-5), my dad used to tell us he was John Oates. (He kinda looked like him back in those day.s) Every morning, he'd leave for work, and he'd say something along the lines of "Welp, see you later, gotta go hang out and make music with my buddy Hall."

Our yard is the Killing Field for bunnies

2009: a hawk swooped down and took out the daddy bunny, leaving in its wake of its carnage, two little bunnies and a momma bunny who had to explain to the little ones why daddy wasn't coming home that night.

2010: 4 little bunnies arrived a week or two ago. As late as yesterday afternoon, they were growing and seemed to enjoy the lettuce, carrots and celery our boys brought them each morning.

Then, something happened; something mysterious and horrible. I found two of them dead, a third was still breathing but immobile, and hungry bugs were surrounding it.

Of course, I couldn't leave it there to suffer a slow death, but I didn't know the most humane way to end its suffering.

Should I put it in the garage and turn the car on?

Should I put a little piece of plastic wrap over its head?

I still have an unused bottle of Vicodin left from a recent injury.

Perhaps end it with a small pocket knife whilst whispering, "shhh, shhhh, shhh" like in Private Ryan?

You will be happy to know that I finally did what I had to do.

RIP little fellas.

Catie D. turning me down to the senior prom?

Are you kidding me? I was totally out of your league, yet I found you weirdly attractive like Siobhan Magnus. Just because you were still a V and I wasn't doesn't make me some sex crazed maniac you goody two shoes b###h.

good tune for baby boy slideshow/movie...?

i'm throwing a quick 3 minute slideshow. just a bunch of baby shots of the boy. his name is Rocky ( swear to god...) and he's really fucking ugly.

one of my weirdest moments in working in radio .....

when i first started i was doing all kinds of "lackey" jobs one included going out as a roving mic for the morning show i had to trick or treat in a pumpkin costume to random places in town live on the air a frat house...the mayors houses...etc ring up ol jerry and he answers....white button down yet his was not....zero buttons...smoking a marlboro light we talked on the air in his kitchen him mostly disrobed me in a round pumpkin outift i wish i had a cam phone he gave me a box of triscuits

I'm currently rocking an awesome red welt on my forehead

I was reaching down into a desk drawer for a catalog when a violent sneeze attacked me. My head was thrown forward and down...right onto the corner of the glass sheet that covers my desk.

Well, my shirt's on backwards.

Promising start to the day.

There ought to be a law

I warned my neighbor about having his family park their cars across from my driveway. I told him I was older and didn't pay attention sometimes. I backed out and hit his b-in-laws truck in the side door. Chewed everyone's *ss out. Called the insurance company and it will be paid for. The truck was damaged before. The kid was alright. Grew up near Carbondale and we talked about hiking the Shawnee Forest.

witnessed a wicked crash the other day

some broad tried passing a semi on the right on a 2 lane street right when he was making a wide right turn
it was like the sticker on the back of the truck come to life

timing was just wild
blew her clean out of her shoes
laid her down and she was donked...screaming about revenge and shit

truck driver was frazzled and knocked over a hydrant
he went to light a smoke......i grabbed him.....dude your leaking diesel bro

Dear attractive coworker from LA office here in DC to train with us this week....

for the love of pete, please stop eating the banana in the training class. 99% of hetero men watch a woman like you (yes...she is) slowly eat a banana and picture our weenises instead. okay?

my 3 inches of snipped jew-dong almost lifted the conference room table off the floor.

drool.

i will try to subtly get a cell phone pic if i can.

she also is wearing a conservative skirt with a high slit in it...which IMHO is 10x hotter than a short mini skirt. it's the mystery of the unknown. jfc this class better be over soon or imma soil myself.

It just so happens I have a weakness for dudes with girlynames...

He's a couple years younger than I am. Got fired from his last job as a pizza delivery guy.

He's pretty good on Xbox, though, so he's got that going for him.

And he has a lot of experience as a security guard. So you'd always feel safe. In a Blart kind of way.

One winter he won a couple grand in the lotto. Kept us in weed and beer for the whole freaking winter! We played so much damn D&D that winter I'd dream about it.

Great guy. I'm sure you'd love him.

Possibly depressing reassurance

You're WAY too old for a sex trafficker to care about abducting you

When I was in the 7th grade, I was on my school’s track team

The school obviously had a tiny budget for track and field equipment. My dad made the hurdles out of used 2 x 4s. The high jump and pole vault standards were made of metal poles cast into concrete-filled truck tires. The coolest thing though was the landing mat for the high jump and pole vault. It was made of what appeared to be an old sewn together fishing net filled with brick sized pieces of foam; like the kind that you use when washing your car.

The mat was sort of a makeshift gathering place for hanging out after track practice. We would sit out there, smoke cigarettes and swap stories about school. Okay, we never smoked cigarettes, but one time somebody did bring some pop rocks and wax lips, both of which were strictly prohibited on school property. I was always uncomfortable hanging out with the cool kids, but because it was a carryover from track practice, I was tolerated.

One day, 6 or so of us were sitting out there on the mat, including Lindsey, a girl I had a huge crush on. Right in the middle of a serious conversation about how Mork tried to kidnap Fonzie last night on TV, all the guys jumped off the mat in unison, leaving just me and Lindsey. Before I could react, they folded the mat over on top of us, rolling us up inside. I was fear-stricken. I don’t remember ever being claustrophobic before or since, but at that moment, I was convinced that I was about to die. I was probably pressed up against the cutest girl that I had ever seen, but all I could do was scream like a little girl that I was suffocating.

Despite my pleading, the guys sat on top of mat for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t even acknowledge Lindsey. I just kept screaming. Eventually, they unfolded it and let us out. I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, including Lindsey. I just ran across the playground as fast as I could, got on my bike and pedaled home. I never, in my whole life, said a single word to Lindsey ever again.

Tried to pick up a prostitute in Peoria

I was drunk and lonely living in an apartment near Bradley. Drove downtown and pulled up next to a lady on the street. Before I finished the conversation, an undercover cop pulled up next to me, with his red light on the dash. Told me to go home or get tickets for driving drunk and solicitation. That really went well. Never tried paying for it again.

today's installment of My Weekly Coffee Sulls was a real crowd-pleaser

sitting in the airport lounge, scanning my email on my phone . relaxed, legs outstretched, crossed at ankles, sitting in lounge chair, dipping periodically into a nice bowl of lounge trail mix and sipping a piping hot fancy coffee drink on the table next to me.

eyes locked on my phone screen , I casually left hand it to dip into the mix and dip my digits into the searing fancy coffee. was mute about it, but my fingers screamed HOLY #### I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT and as I yanked them out i sprinklered coffee on the broad next to me .

I'm ####ing awesome .

I am not a homophobe, but...

it bothers when I'm watching House Hunters and there is a gay couple featured, walking around chatting about intimate details of their lives. I swear, one of the guys is wearing capris.

Woke up thinking about Chandler Whitmer's arm ~~~~~>>>

You should hear what I recorded into my phone while taking notes. "Chandler Whitmer I love you" *giggles* "It's March 30th, and I have goosebumps"

my daughter has taken to calling herself "lady gaga".

she prefaces every sentence with "gaga ooh-la-la". she calls her brother "baby gaga". she wears a feather boa and dances around the family room. this is 100% on my wife and her choice of radio station.

I am now officially the most boring person in the world

Tonight at the grocery store, the checkout girl asked me why I wasn't buying grape juice. My life is such a dull, repetitive routine that a clerk who rings up my purchases maybe once every two weeks knows what I'm supposed to be buying.

Then the pimply teenage boy at the drive-up window at Culver's complimented me on my organization and preparedness in placing and paying for my order. fmbl

When I was a kid, I loved matzoh.

I'd eat that stuff year round as a snack. I must have had it once at a jewish friends house, probably during passover, and really liked it, so my mom bought it for me.

The more I remember, the weirder my dietary habits as a kid seem to me.

It just shows the lack of care people have for personal responsibility.

So many people just don't care about the difference between right and wrong anymore. I haven't been dealt an easy hand but the mistakes I have made in life are just that...ones I have made. No one else made those decisions for me. So people who can't accept responsibility for their own actions anger me. People who blame everything on someone else.

I am talking about simple personal responsibility. Too many people just don't have it. How many young adults mooch off of mom and dad until they absolutley can't anymore? How many people lose a job and blame it on anything but maybe their own poor actions (I'm not referring to downsizing or something I mean someone with poor attendence or lots of write ups)?

i was sitting at a LA hotel bar next to michael buble this afternoon

chunky mother####er, that boy.

kind of douched up, too. wore a down vest, squarish cap on backwards and listening to tunes wearing his Bose headset -- at the bar.

the few times i encounter celebs, i don't dare to talk to them. but i was *this close* to buying him a drink if he called Jackie ( "Hey, she's a HUGE fan. She'd be delirious if you called her ).
but i just couldn't muster the energy.

and it's probably a good thing, because i checked his web site and he's got a concert in Minneapolis tonight....

i heard rex reed pan shutter island on local radio last night

he was on with another old fag. they were terrific. i stayed in the car, mesmerized.

"where are the stars these days? WHERE ARE YOU, BARBARA STANWYCK?"

Tessa's asleep right now, and there's just a hint of tongue sticking out of her mouth.

I'd get a pic, but every time I try she wakes up.

was washing my hands as a panicked dude ran in

As I exited, the sound I heard can only be described as the sound beef stew would make if it were fired out of a spud gun into a swimming pool.

my greatest Olympic moment

was at the red rock bar in slc 2002 when I stopped all action and had the 1980 hockey team chanting USA! USA! while I drank 5 pints in a waterfall

eruzione held the anchor glass

barely spilled a drop signed jackets with a sharpie the rest of the evening

lam

Whose responsible this?!

Anal Sex:

I and my husband got married just two weeks ago and we've been trying to do anal sex recently. However, it's just too painful for me, not to mention that he's organ is big and quite thick. We use lubricant everytime we try it but he could not even insert the head of his D _ _ _ _ and I suffer too much pain.

I heard about beads, do they work to loosen up?

Please help!

P.S. I'm a very petite woman

I like the word retard.

Not because I want to call people with learning disabilities it, but because I think it's a great insult to someone that's doing something really dumb. It just emphasis's the level of the idiocy. It is so much better than idiot.

I wouldn't be offended if you called me a retard. I'd be insulted, but not offended.

I see live penises

I finally understand what it's like to be a man and think about sex every second of the day! After going without for 17 or so months - I've lost count, all I can think about is Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick (think Tarantino in Reservoir Dogs). I cannot look at a man without thinking about his penis (big, small, thick, thin....)I've become like the lion in the movie 'Madagascar' who looks out at all the animals and sees a bunch of steaks, except in my case I see men and think of penises! So here it is, I NEED to get laid. The problem is, I am not breaking a 17 month spell for bad sex, except I have no source of good sex. If I do the (fairly) random thing, can I lose my inhibitions enough to enjoy it with a stranger? On the other hand, I really don't have the time to get to know someone well before I implode.... Devil or the deep blue sea??? Any advice??

Real men don't wear pink unis

They looked like a bunch of ####ing pussies out there. The fact that others may agree or disagree is irrelevant to me, but that's cool if you like pussy looking uniforms. Ever stop to think why no men's teams wear pink? I don't care how many times they wore them, it was disgusting and I'm embarrassed for them. I wouldn't wear a pink uniform and i think less of any man that would. I think it's an abomination.

Wear a dress to work on Monday, then we'll talk.

The man is the leader of the household

If a woman wants to have a huge career, don't have kids and leave the husband home.

so there are these two attractive girls who work here

yesterday, they were at lunch together in a fairly large atrium in our building and they both waved me over from afar (i should say, i know them). i chatted with them a bit and went about my business. i noticed a number of galoots oafing about, clearly envious of my situation.

there was a time. there was a time when that kind of status would've thrilled me. i don't think that's unusual (and the great maha kali knows, i rarely did anything other than squander such opportunties) and, even if it is, such an encounter would make my day. not just the attention from the ladies but a perception that i had elevated myself in the pecking order of man cubs.

anyway the point here is that i got none of that now. no charge whatsoever. mostly annoyed by the small talk (and their obviously transparent motive for telling me how good looking i am). didn't care that other dudes were giving me silent props or that i may have converted some skeptics.

i just want to get out there. i don't care anymore. i don't even care that in my post-coital moments, i feel more like a teddy bear in my wife's arms than vince vaughn's bear-who-eats-the-rabbit. it's pretty much over me.

one of the things I hate most about being at home is my dad watches way too much Cable News

I hate cable news. every station, every program, every person. I hate it.

If an ugmo hits on you, are you flattered or insulted?

Or both? Or something else? I don't really mean ugly, just someone less attractive than you. I mean, enough of an attractiveness differential that you kinda wonder, "Really? You thought this might work out?" About 90% of the dudes taking aim at me, I'm thinking, "You really think you might see me naked?" How is it a compliment if some ugmo thinks I'm in his league?

I'm a blonde with enormous cans who dresses kinda trashy--I look easy.

Almost every night, my 3 year old son takes off his pants when he goes to bed,

does a leg exercise he's been doing since he was about 6 months (he calls it "Pilates," as in "I'm doing my Pilates") and gets an erection.

At some point, he complained that his stiff penis hurt and Mrs. told him to put a cold rag on it. Since then, almost every night, my pantless son gets up from his bed about 5 minutes after laying down, goes to the bathroon, and walks back explaining that he just needed to "get a cold rag for [his] penis."

Is this normal?

all about me!

live in blm and have been in IL waaay longer than i thought i would be. by my name you know that i am female. the afro indicates that i am black. unfortunately there is nothing in the name to tell that i am vertically challenged and have big nipples. no worries though! i work at a job that i hate, and admired the people that quit today (someday that will be me!) let's see.. i like men and women but i am catholic (read- repressed!) but with the help of good friends i will be getting out of it. have not had sex in 15 months and at this stage would sleep with almost anything. did i omit anything??

scatalogical observation

does any other dude feel great when you push out a big, massive, circumferentially superior log?

well, i do. and in those rare moments when i achieve one of those, it makes me worried that i'd like being a receiver.

Dear Vacuous Whore Who Won't Shut Up:

There are plenty of pretty, young Christian girls who actually live out the values that you claim to espouse. They live the ordinary lives that the vast majority of teenagers do, full of school and activities and family. They don’t enter beauty pageants, whether it’s because they’re not dumb enough to take absurdity as reality or because they’re too busy doing worthwhile things like serving others through church and community organizations. They respect themselves enough to think their sexual health is worth protecting, so they don’t sex (or sext) their boyfriends.

By the way, none of them would claim to be perfect, either.

But you, you’re being singled out because of the “beliefs” you claim to share with these girls? No, you’re being singled out because you’re an entitled, hypocritical Hot Girl who won’t shut the #### up already. No one wants to hear a Hot Girl talk, especially a Hot Girl who works so hard to present herself as a Hot Girl. If you’re hot and you’re a girl and you want to talk, you’d better have something interesting to say. Otherwise, shut up and get naked. That’s what Hot Girls are for.

Trouble is, you don’t have anything interesting to say. You only want to talk about yourself. About how unfair it is that you didn’t win the Ultimate Hot Girl Challenge, all because you courageously expressed a political opinion held by the majority of U.S. voters. About how the mean ol’ media* won’t let your pontificating go unchallenged when your own actions undermine the authenticity of your expressed values. About how you’re being “punished for exercising your right to free speech,” apparently because you expect the unique privilege of saying whatever dumbass things you want without suffering the indignity of being called a dumbass.

The fact that you have nothing interesting to say has little to do with your being a Hot Girl. True, as a Hot Girl, you have the deficit of being assumed to be stupid, yet it’s entirely possible to be physically beautiful but intelligent and respected (think Audrey Hepburn—and think about what set her apart from you). And it has little to do with your beliefs. Plenty of people who share your political and religious views are able to function normally in day-to-day life without throwing a hissy fit every time someone disagrees with them.

It has everything to do with your apparent obsession with controlling what people think of you, and your blindness to your own words and actions in creating their perceptions. You are young, beautiful, wealthy, and famous, and you really don’t understand why people can’t take you seriously as a martyr?

No, you don’t, so now you’ve rendered your extended tantrum in hardback form. And because the publishing industry is rotten with people who are even more self-serving and oportunistic than you, naturally you were able to find someone who was only too happy to profit from your obtuseness.

So, congrats on that. No, really: plaudits. You’ll be gettin’ paid, and it’s the American Way.

And although I do not object to your enriching yourself in this way (well, I do object for abstract reasons that I can’t blame you for), I do object to your conscripting Jesus into your one-beauty-queen crusade. So as long as you plan to show a watching world that Jesus died for our right to get boob jobs and say dumb shit without people being mean to us about it, people like me will be here to urge you to reconsider your…well, your everything.

I know, I know. I probably should remove the log from my eye before trying to get the speck out of yours. But I’m not perfect either.

* Also colloquially known as the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Wait—what was that about mockery being reserved for conservative women…?

My cat just got his salad tossed by one of his cat friends.

Weird. Didn't really put up a fight either. Blech. Fortunately, they are not blood-related.

I'm pretty drunk and I'm eating toast with honey.

I kind of gave up on it. I've got honey in my chest hair, on my hands, my keyboard. #### it.

Oh, and I'm nekkid. *3fg*

If there was someone I hated, truly hated and wanted them dead, I would kill them.

As long as it was a well thought out plan, the odds of me getting away with it are pretty decent. The only consequence is jail, nothing in the afterlife. So if I'm confident enough that I can get away with murder, I would do it. I wouldn't do it, if I knew that as soon as I died I was going to be judged for it.

There are more people that think this way, than you think.

Most murders aren't well thought out, and there are some murders that are unsolved. If I were to plan out a murder, making sure to leave no DNA, witnesses, evidence, it makes proving a murder very difficult. I'm not saying I would get away with it, but there is a good enough chance to risk it if you hate a person enough and won't be judged after death.

when i played in a band in college called Mr. Potato Head

we sometimes played Thursday nights at a club called Cat's Cradle as Mrs. Potato Head.

the lead singer looked great in chick clothes.

me, not so much. the shoes were unforgiving.

I briefly (very briefly) considered taking a job at a gay porn company today

Fluffer/ IP attorney

I really hate doing PAPs.

If you guys only knew what I had to sudject my eyes and nose to everyday. Times like these I don't get paid enough. Sometimes I need two nurses in the room to assist on holding things back so I can see. I really try to get the women to go to their OB/Gyn docs, but some insist on having me do it with their physicals.

Any beer that needs a lime to make it drinkable is pi$$ poor beer.

They should stick to what they do well. Burritos, landscaping, roof repair.

Worst opening line of a phone conversation of all time?

"So me and (ex boyfriend's name) had a really long talk last night, and we worked out a lot of our problems" This was followed by 15 minutes of "I'm sorrys" and "I know I kind of led you on, but I love (boyfriend) and I have to see where it ends up"

I should have yelled at her, cursed at her, told her off... but of course I have no guts, so I just took it. Guess that visit in a couple weeks isn't happening. Cool.

Looks like I'm back to being the guy that's good at talking to other guy's women. It was a fun couple days, while it lasted.

#### her, #### me, #### him. God I ####ing suck.

Although I am a flaming liberal, I am thinking of supporting content limits on the webs

As a father of four boys who all know how to use the internet, I am beginning to worry that they will eventually "stumble" onto unsuitable sites. As such, tonight when the lovely and talented Mrs. goes to her Book Club, I am going to take a couple hours out of my extremely tight schedule to systematically block every pron site I can find. I don't really have the time to spare, but I will do it for my kids.

HERE'S WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP: I am informed and believe that there may be some pron sites out there. Please let me know which ones I should block. Please help me help my kids (and solidify my nomination for Father of the Year). TIA

P.S. They will probably only stumble across sites that are FREE, void of pop-ups and viruses, and have quality material updated daily, so feel free to limit your suggestions based on these criteria. Please also double-check for spelling accuracy, as I'd really hate to block a broken link

When my wife worked on a different floor of the hospital,

she had to start catheters all the time. I once asked her how many penises she handled in an average week. She said maybe 7-10. So she totally knows what she's missing out on. And it kept me up the night after I asked that question.

I did something I'm not particularly proud of last night, but it sure felt good.

Loose puck in front of their goalie. I poke at it several times to try and score a goal. Whistle blows and I stop. Goalie felt I stopped too late and went after me with gloves and stick up at my face. I defended myself by pulling him down and with our gloves and helmets off I wailed on the goalie's face with my fist about a half dozen times.

In the whole scrum I don't remember much other than my hits but think there were quite a bit of the goalie's teammates coming to his failed rescue and as a result I got a 3" long x 1/2" wide Gorby-like bruise on my forehead. Never felt anyone hitting me nor exactly know how I got that bruise but it sure was fun.

The not-so-proud part was that the wife and kids were at the game and they were visibly shaken by the incident thinking I was at the bottom of the pile (I wasn't) and getting mauled. Plus, it didn't help when #14 (not the goalie) was tossed shortly after I left the ice and wanted to get to my locker room and kill me.

Kids are still talking about it this morning. I tried to tell them last night that what I did was a bad thing although I was defending myself but I think I need to do something else to get them over it. Maybe Sea World / Aquatica next Sunday since I'll be suspended that game.

6 punches, though. Felt good. Don't eff with me.

I really hate rebates

They give me $5 rebate on a 5 gallon bucket of driveway sealer. Give me the money up front! I bought 6 buckets. All these Menards rebates are sent to Elk Mound, Wisconsin. What kind of Northwoods Elk hunting hillbillies live there?

Health care debate via Star Wars-themed haiku

Rebel costs explode
No Empire volume discounts
Rest in peace, Porkins

antilles quite pleased
yavin victory award
rogue squadron group plan

Cloud City Health plan:
Lobot death panel prescribes
carbonite freezing

The widow Greedo
fights for insurance payout
Han shot first, dammit

TK421
Waiting in line at Doctor
Any more Questions?

Empire Run Healthcare
How bad could they screw it up?
Third Death Star's a Charm

Memo to Jedis:
The Force can't waive a copay.
Stop being so cheap.

Peaceful Alderaan
Free health care for everyone
Obliterated

Owen & Beru
care not about health care plans
"death panels," indeed

Luke seemed to do fine
with single payer healthcare
sweet new robot hand

To hide dependents
from insurers, Sand People
travel single file

Life's too short to give sports that much weight

I was slightly miffed yesterday when the game started and it was apparent we weren't going to show up. But, it's a game and it's not worth making my mood bad. There are too many other important things... just decided that other things are too important to me right now, I'm getting married in 21 days and life is good. But if you want to take it that way and pile on, feel free.

I'm not lording over anyone. Sounds like you might be taking it a little too seriously. You do realize the whole idea of sports is entertainment, right? And my comment about getting married was more to point out that we all have important things going on. I mean seriously, I want them to do well, and I cheer for them and want success, but why let something ruin a great weekend or day for you. If you seriously get depressed about a college football game and let it ruin a nice long weekend for you, then in my opinion, unpopular as it might be, your taking a GAME TOO SERIOUSLY. You can disagree, you can b###h and moan at me all you want, but that's how I feel, and people on this board give opinions and feelings every day all day.

I totally lose perspective at times. I just tend to react pretty strongly when people get SO upset about sports. Not the venue to process through that, I agree, but that's my reaction.

*rides into sunset on high horse*

Case of beer, maybe.

Bunch of shots. 8 ball of blow. 3.5 pounds of pulled pork. 6 ears of corn, 6 racks of baby back ribs, 2 racks of St. Louis style ribs, 2 platters of fries, 4 bags of donuts. Probably a 1/4 oz. of weed. 27 jr bacon cheeseburgers. Some speeders. Bunch of whippets. 50 wings in 45 minutes. This was around 5 p.m. 'til about 1 a.m. Then I took some ecstasy and drank some shots of Hot Damn. I don't know what all else I did. There are parts that are fuzzy. I was told I had sex. True story.

I had three big beers

The owner of a small paint shop had his dad pass away yesterday. The lady who runs a local liquor store told me her daughter has been diagnosed with terminal lung disease. Ted Kennedy died. I didn't like the man, but I don't wish death on people. I stopped by the liquor store on the way home with Mrs. The owner said her daughter had some long name lung disease. She used to pull a bottle from underneath the counter and pour me a shot. We have worked out of this paint shop for many years. I just called the kid and told him I was sorry to hear about his dad. As far as Ted Kennedy, I just don't hold a grudge.

We'll just chalk it up to cultural differences

and the fact that, culturally, you suck. I don't take message boards, this one in particular, the least bit seriously. That said, I've wished you were in b###hslappin' distance on more than one occasion.

When I was little, I used to like to walk through/into clothes racks at the store.

Sometimes I'd hide, sometimes I'd just run around. One time, I accidentally knocked over a huge rack of jeans. That was the end of my clothes-rack spelunking. Once caused my hysteria-prone mother a near breakdown by hiding particularly well. Reason #57 why I won't have kids - payback is a b###h.

It occurs to me I've only been in love twice in the last 10 years

I'm 31 and have been unmarried that whole time. I guess it's at the same time great and not so great that it occurs so infrequently. Aw hell, now I'm going to have to watch The Notebook tonight.

I've been kicking around an idea for a week or so.

I think I'm gonna start an anti-TINA

it's no secret, i miss my lactating boobs.

well, the size of my lactating boobs :D
seriously. i bet there's tons of women who want bigger tatas.

You are one goddam dumbass MFer.

Do you realize that? You have to be one of the dumbest people I have ever come across in my near 34 years. Sorry for the vitriol, but if you weren't such an @sshole I wouldn't use it. Dumb is probably the wrong word. Ignorant. You are one ignorant ass MFer.

Dear Fat Lady in front of me at the soda/pop/coke fountain,

Do you really need to hold up multiple people to wait for those 3 bubbles at the top of your Coke to dissipate before topping it off? Do you really need to do this 5 times? Does it matter that you already have 32.9 ounces crammed into your 32 ounce cup? Does it matter that your cup ended up so full that you had to delay people further by sipping some before leaving the fountain to avoid spilling? Does it concern you that your fat, clumsy ass proceeded to spill some on the floor anyway? Does it matter your cube is no more than 40 ft from this fountain and that if you do happen to run out it would take you less than 2 minutes to get a refill (assuming there is not another fat b###h like you already at the fountain upon your return)? Does it matter that you could actually use that 80 ft of exercise? Does it matter that the Coke is free?

But I tell you what, I'll forgive all of this if you simply switch your fat ass to diet pop on future visits.

Sincerely,

Caffiene-starved

Whose blog is TINA?

I've never heard of it until about 15 minutes ago, when I googled it and found out I was the subject of the latest post.

I realize I have had some problem, and putting them on a message board asking for advice, is asking to get my ass lectured. That's fine. The reason I put my problems out there, is because I don't know any of you and you don't know any of me, so this is a place for unbiased advice. I didn't care if the advice was that I'm a moron, and a screw up, at least it was said to me, for my own good, in the forum that I presented it.

But I don't read this blog, Like I said, I had never heard of it until about 15 minutes ago. I'm never mentioned by name, but it's obvious the post was about me. I don't know whose blog this is, but if you would take that post down, I'd appreciate it. Because no one here knows the whole story, the extent of what has happened to me, and writing about it in a blog without knowing those things is unfair.

I'll say it again, I have no idea who I'm calling out right now, so sorry if I come across as an asshole, but I present my problems to this board because I need advice, and using my issues as a soapbox on your blog is unfair.

EDIT: I won't change anything from the original post, but I didn't get the purpose of this blog or whatever the hell it is when I wrote this. Still doesn't sit well, but that's fine disregard this and I'll get over it, I'm a big boy.

What you need more so than a lawyer is a swift kick in the ass.....

or ten. Get your sh*t together, stop f-ing around with your life. Are you already forgetting your first wake up call? You already got kicked out one school, if you continue down this path it will happen again at parkland. If that happens what are you going to do? No employer outside of manual labor or fast food is going to hire you.

If you get your act together now, get good grades at parkland, get into UofI or some other solid school then four years from now some employer is going to look at your transcripts and realize you overcame a few back decisions and overlook them. You make a pattern of bad decisions and you'll never stand a chance at getting hired.

Listen kid, I'm not trying to be a prick here, but I see you making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. My first 2 semesters at UofI I just skated by and partied so much my third semester that I had to withdraw from all of my classes. Luckily I never had to leave the Uni, but it took me the next 5 semesters to pull my gpa out of the gutter just to get to a 3.2. Because of that I missed out on some great jobs that I really wanted and made me settle for sub par jobs. It took going to grad school and getting straight A's to get the type of job I wanted at a competitive place to work.

It may seem to you now that you'll have plenty of time now to buckle down and turn your life around, but trust me, the decisions you are making now are going to take a lot longer to overcome than you may think. Sit down TODAY, and think about what you really want to do in the future and make the changes necessary to get there. Otherwise you are going to let your bad decisions dictate your future.

there is way way way too much flavored vodka sitting in my apt right now

and way way way too much alcohol that needs be consumed over the next 3 weeks...

2 fifths of tequila
1 fifth of whiskey
1 fifth of vodka
1 fifth of schnapps
1 case of bud light

I woke up in a kitchen.

That's right. A kitchen. Not mine. Needless to say, I'm home, and going back to sleep.

ZOMG, I just remembered: two years ago tonight was the last time I got boned.

My life blows

Drinking bc some guy you love plies you and then he leaves w/o even smooching you

Also = sucky

WTF kind of loser walks out on me when I'm all naked and such? Idiot.

You heard me. He took my clothes off and left.

We do this.

I'm kinda drunk and shouldn't be saying this shit.

But he's the one who got me drunk, so I kinda don't care.

I know. I look pretty good naked. At least for my genre. I'm guessing most broads my age don't look that good naked anymore. I, on the other hand, still got it.

anyone goin to the coo brew game on fri?

heading up with the wife and some folks
fil has never been to wrigley
this should lock me in as the greatest dude to ever slide his schlong spine deep in his first born

I think I'm going with the Viking ship option. it'll make a lot of people happy

see ya.

#### I'm hungover...

called a suburban cab after dinner last night at about midnight.

5-15 minutes they said. All the other dudes had gone to the Pink Monkey.

After a half hour I said screw it and took a cab to Sax Hotel (used to be House of Blues Hotel). On the way I said "Hey, do you know the way to the Pink Monkey?" He didn't... just as well... on to the hotel.

In bed at about 1. Suburban cab driver called at 1:15. Didn't answer.

It wouldn't have been so bad wearing the same clothes today if I hadn't dropped a piece of sushi down the front of my shirt.

drunk ~~~>>>~~~

and that's all i'm going to say tonight

so who has done their sister-in-law?

ok I did do my sister-in-law (my wife's sister)

Probably 25 years ago. she was coming out of a divorce and spent Christmas with us.

My wife suggested that she had a need and she (the s-i-l) agreed.

Isn't life interesting

My niece just called

Her dipsh*t husband has a girlfriend and kicked her out of the house. She has a small child. My sis in law is setting her up an apartment in a subsidized place she is manager of. Her dad promised her the money of 100 dollars for the deposit. We have had bad experiences with her.

He is in jail. That or out on bail. Whiskey drinker. I hope she gets her own place.

I've never understood this whole thing where chicks apparently don't blow dudes after they get hitched.

I'm in no position to understand it, I guess, because I waited til I was married, so it's not like there's a way of comparing sex before and after marriage for me. But still, WTF?

Meh, I've had to beg for c*** all my adult life, doubt it will stop any time soon

Also, chicks who don't enjoy cock in their mouth need to get a clue.

Yikes. Could be a hard job to work this summer.

Apparently the pool at our gym is the unofficial hangout place for the Southeastern Michigan Jailbat Association. Eeeek. It's been open a week and already I feel guilty.

Yesterday the Mrs. asked our 5 year old to write a note in the get-well card to my Grandmother

(who is recovering in the hospital). This is what she wrote:

"Grandma GG, I am so so so so sorry that you are almost gonna die."

Disturbing family secret I learned this weekend

After my maternal grandma died (before I was born).....my grandpa eventually remarried. I always wondered why they had the wedding in Tennessee. Turns out it was because he was MARRYING HIS FIRST COUSIN. WTF GRANDPA?

So, trading sexual favors for auto repair

What am I gonna have to do for a $1K repair?

I'm definitely out of practice. Shudder to think how sensitive my gag reflex is.

I hope that taking it up the pooper could be something very special between me and the love of my life, but I can't afford a car payment. It's no offense to any qualified auto mechanic who probably doesn't happen to also be the love of my life.

Eh, as I recall, I'm pretty kinky, so I'll be all right

I've always wondered

How much child porn is going to get you busted. For example let' say a guy looks at porn for 2-3 hours a day..legitimate porn, nothing illegal. And let's say he does this for 2-3 years straight. That is alot of porn on your system. Let's say during a clicking frenzy a pop-up happens (which for those of you that look up porn knows it's going to happen alot) and its of the kid variety. You immediately click it off and continue with your business. Is this going to get you busted?

so a friend of a friend's brother is in commercial real estate in CA

and he's been working on an investor for several months to see a large parcel of land that is best viewed by air.

so he charters a small prop plane. on board: two pilots, two real estate guys and the investor. as they are boarding, the guy feels the shot over the bow. but he can't turn back. figures he can back-burner it and unload when they get back. after all, it's a short flight.

as soon as the wheels leave the ground, this guy knows it's over. and it's a bumpy, noisy flight. feels the runaway train coming down the tracks. and at 2000 feet, he opens the bomb bay doors and craps himself.

shock and awe. keep in mind, this ain't Air Force One. it's a teensy plane ( with apparently no toilet. nor Folger's can ). the smell is mind-bending. horrific. nausau is now the big b###h on the plane. extraordinary times = extraordinary measures, so the guy takes off his pants, balls them up and they try to throw it out the window. but it blows back in and all over the place.

the smell, the commotion and the added turbulence has everyone sick. the pilot throws up, the investor throws up and so does everyone else. and they have to emergency land the thing.

instead of the guy landing a $10 million deal, he has to pay $10 K to get the plane professionally cleaned.

Dating Dilemma

I had all but given up on dating as of a few months ago, but recently decided to toss my name back in the hat recently.

I met a girl on Match about three weeks ago, who lives in Northwest Indiana (bout a 35 minute drive from where I'm currently residing). We spoke on the phone a few times and really hit it off. She's only 21 but it became fairly obvious pretty early on that's she was quite "sexually experimental" and a bit on the wild side, but I had no idea of what I was going to find out after a few dates.

The first date we just went out for coffee, where I found out that she's bisexual (LAM?) and also going through the proceedings of a divorce (Anti-LAM). Usually news like this would immediately end my pursuit of said girl, but I carried on, because I quite enjoy her company.

So on our next date, she dropped some additional information on her life. Apparently, her job at a daycare center isn't her only source of income. She has worked for the past six months doing a few amateur-ish porn shoots and a video involving her and another girl. I tried my best to make it seem like I wasn't shocked by this revelation so she continued on...she has been recently contacted by the boss of the guy she's shooting with who wants her to do a video with two guys (big black men down low) and our willing to pay her something like $7,500 for the scene. She hasn't yet decided if she's going to go for it, and asked my opinion...

Now...if you saw this girl, you would NEVER ever think she would be into this. She supposedly attends church every sunday with her Mother, who has no idea shes into anything like this.

My question is...do I continue seeing this girl just for the adventure of it, or do I cut ties and move on?

Also, if she's already told me this much, how much worse is it going to get?

I just hate pompus jack asses that own over rated rip off restaurants

In February (and I wasn't paying thank god) I went with 3 other people to Nobu at the Shore Club on South Beach.

We had to sit *ON* the dance floor, so we couldn't even talk to each other without shouting.

The bill before tip was something like $1,200.

We made the cab go through a burger king drive through on the way back to our hotel just a couple hours later.

I have no use for places like that. I could give a flying #### what my foor looks like. I'm here to eat.

Have you ever saved anyone's life?

Pushed a guy out of the way of a moving car and then proceeded to get hit by said car.

I did the Heimlich maneuver on my mother-in-law....on Mother's Day, no less.

I pulled up to a stoplight and a drunk was passed out with his car rolling towards the intersection
I hopped out and put the car in park and woke him up, then drove his car over to the side of the road and told him to call someone.

I refrained from a killing an old cubicle mate who ate too loud.

I pulled a garage open to someone who trying to kill themselves through carbon monoxide.

I'm FB friends with a girl I used to hook up with in the summer of '91.

She posted pics of a daughter who I think turns 18 this summer. Wait. W.T.F? Also, she's married to one of my oldest and best friends.
*lets sleeping dog lie*

other facts that may or may not be known

once locked myself in a locker thanks to you cant do that on television...blamed a bully out of embarassment...still feel bad about it
i have been arrested 4 times
i went through a stripper phase in dating
i posed nude for money in college
i have experience with trained falcons
i bought condoms to a family reunion and used them
i have been hit by a car in garcias parking lot
i tore my acl/mcl/miniscus in a drunke trampoline accident and still partied till dawn on easter sunday
i once ate 4 monster burgers in one evening and spilled my extra large beverage in the hardees lobby 5 times...each time asking for a free refill...then work up on the toilet with explosive bowels
i shaved my basektball number in my head in 8th grade
i have totalled 4 cars
i almost died twice in mexico...once with "jay-z" in a pot deal gone bad and then losing 30 lbs in 3 days due to some unknown stomach issue...i dropped into random non english speaking clinics to shots of demerol to keep my party goin

I collect, assmemble and/or paint 25mm plastic and metal figures

from a number of genres (military, science fiction, fantasy). Many are used in tabletop wargames.

Here's one I painted probably 10 years ago.



Here's a more recent one.

Funny thing my firstborn does lately:

Any time she gets naked, she feels compelled to turn her back and point her butt to me and say "LOOK AT MY BUTT!"

the worst is the kid that won't stop yelling

but is old enough to be told to STFU and understand what it means. that gets you dirty looks from me.

i get the message across to let the parents know that i was pissed off

i shouldn't have to be disturbed by your f*cking kid. having a kid doesn't give you the right to bother people and no i don't have to deal with it.

billinguality is pretty overrated, IMO

no offense, but very few higher earning jobs require one to speak Spanish.

human services jobs are worthwhile and rewarding, but I'd want better for my kids.

let's attribute it to cultural differences. For Russians, earning ability is much more important factor in viewing one's career as "successful" than intangible factors like job satisfaction and helping others.

Just found myself.

I'm in the upper right quadrant, wearing what is likely a Bears sweatshirt, judging by the color. Roughly second row from the top, seven from the right.

we went to an all you can eat sushi place a couple weeks ago.

i dont eat sushi, i just had chicken teryaki.

So my MIL is a former LMT

Wife wanted her to give me a massage so she could learn a couple techniques.

Needless to say I was a little resistant to the idea of my MIL giving me a massage. But after a couple of days I relented.

It was...different. I had a hard time relaxing at first, but I eventually did.

But then the wife started trying the stuff her mom was showing her while her mom was working on a different part of me. So I was getting a massage from my wife and her mother at the same time.

I really don't know how to describe that other than conflicting. Or something.

Never mind.

Very few guys care about the last 10% between a ''rockin bod'' and the level of perfection of Adriana Lima

I've dated a couple of girls who had essentially that body type. Believe me, I didn't care a bit that they didn't have quite the muscle tone that she does.

I went to a strip club about a month ago

(and as much as I like boobs et al, I really don't like strip clubs and find them tremendously awkward, but my friend insisted we go). After being there for about 10 minutes, Steve Mongo McMichael walks in and sits down at the table next to us. We talked for a second and all the girls crowded around him as he is a regular (Blackjack's in Elgin). He then says to us, "wanna see how an 85 Bear gets down?", and then walked up to the stage and made it rain with a handfull of singles. It was entertaining.

killed two mice last night

i got the call today. "come home. there are two dead mice in the traps you set." said a nervous mrs.
"i'm stuck up north for a few hours, waiting for the geniuses to fix my computer. i'll be home after dinner."
" can't you come earlier? i've got stuff to put in the pantry and i don't want to open the door."
"they're dead, y'know. completely kaput."
silence. so i get home and undo the traps, dropping the little critters in a WalMart bag, trucking out to garage. " hey, mice do a sort of reverse meconium. both of them had a little crap pellet sidled up next to their carcasses. and one had this *really surprised* look across his chops."
i had grabbed one by the tail and dangled it before my eyes.
"THAT'S GROSS.!" so i took an ammonia wipe and cleaned the crime scenes, dried it off and re-set the traps.
this was, in fact, the perfect set-up. tomorrow, after another kill, i will find a rubber mouse, stick it in a trap, and do the switcheroo at the appropriate time, lowering it into my mouth.
i can't ####ing wait.